Thanks jng15. I guess you are right.
These days i am the whole time stressing and worrying about ‘what am i going to say when i am at work, when i see this or that person’, and that makes that i can not be relaxed or real at all. On moments that i do get to relax even a little bit, it’s all ok and i can be funny or whatever (i don’t need to be funny the whole time anyway).
I need to learn to be in the moment, to be with what i am doing, and then i will be able easily, to know what to say or how to lighten up the situation, in the moment itself, without preparing it.
It’s difficult because it’s such an automatism, as soon as i’m awake in the morning, my mind is already going to ‘what should i say this morning…’, during breakfast and in the shower and on my bike to work, i’m already making imaginary conversations with whoever i think i might meet during that day (which doesn’t make sense because situations in real life are always different than how we imagine it), and that goes on the whole day. It’s so exhausting. I’ll have to train myself to focus on what is here now and meditate more again – that seems to be the main remedy for most things that come up lately, so you’d wonder why i don’t do it properly..
And i guess i need to give myself permission to be ‘normal’ , that it is ok to have boring days, where i don’t even know what to say. I am still so much trying to fit into the ‘social norms’ – or what i think the social norms are, that i have to come across intelligent and funny and witty and spontanuous the whole time or i am not good enough for the others… I don’t think that is realistic and that is not what i am.

Thank you for your contribution 🙂