Hi icedmunkie,

Dating friends is the worst. Add that to living together! I only say this because you can “never go back”. Like you’ve seen, there is the Thing in the Room you can’t/shouldn’t talk about (but of course she knows it’s killing you!) and the magic and element of mystery is gone (especially when she cleaned the bathroom sink and did your laundry!)

I say between the new dog, the photography, the meetup group, the diet and the gym, you have a lot to keep you distracted, and, hopefully, happy.

As for going to bed all upset, maybe you could call a friend an hour or two before. That way the last thing on your mind will be a social conversation. May I also recommend Netflix comedy shows and an engrossing book series (Ice and Fire/Game of Thrones ~ R.R.R. Martin) before you turn in.

Next time, don’t live together. Get married. Then you won’t be “Just two people living together”. Who knows? Maybe, say, in a decade you can start over with your BFF??? But do it right this time!!

Sounds a lot like my situation actually.

I was in a relationship with a girl for 7 years, we were friends for 2 years beforehand. The following that you wrote fits pretty accurately: “I got a but bitter at her progression and increase in salary and kept more of mine to myself, the sex stopped and we started arguing and being bitter to each other, then it got better and then came back. We still had good times but both ended up being hurt. I still loved this woman with everything I had and she still loved me but something wasn’t quite right, I was too stubborn to look at getting help which in hindsight I should have done. So the inevitable happened, we decided to split up after all we agreed mutually we where just two people living together nothing else even though the love is there.”

We just grew apart. We met at 18 and 19, and ended the relationship at 27 and 28. A long time to be around someone. The one main difference is that we haven’t really talked and are not a part of each others lives.

The other main difference is that I got into a relationship almost immediately. My 7 year relationship was dead a long time before we actually walked away from it, and I had shut myself down emotionally for just as long. It ended when I met someone at my work who was interesting, interested, and attractive, and gave me the attention I knew I deserved. We had a lot of fun together and got along great, but there were a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore. Things similar to yourself. She is a bit younger then me, 24, and a lot more immature. She had never not lived at her parents, never paid any real attention to finances or cooking because she never really needed to. Her longest relationship was about 3-4 months, and she typically ended up back with this one particular guy. Obviously I should have paid more attention to these things but I was feeling the most positive emotions I’d felt in half a decade basically, and was hopeful that she would love me enough to mature herself. Ultimately she didn’t and after 9 months she started to interact again with her ex which led to numerous fights and her and I ultimately breaking up. Haven’t really interacted with her, and she claims that “this break up really fucked her up” because “it was the best one she has had” and that she “isn’t even talking to this guy anymore and needs to be single for a long time to sort her shit out.” Whether that is true or not I don’t know and is irrelevant.

Either way, I find myself in a similar boat, trying to add to my life. Making goals. Hanging with new and old friends. Working. All those things, but I still have really bad days. It’s been just over 2 months and I get into serious depressions too. Shit sucks. This last weekend was the worst weekend I’ve had since the breakup. Barely did anything. Barely got out of bed. Wanted to die.

The one thing I can suggest is to ride it out. You are a human being and fighting with the emotions that you have is not going to help or make them go away. When you feel sad, you feel sad. That is natural. It is also natural to want and feel the need to have human touch and connection after having it for so long.

I’d suggest a break from romance for awhile, and look inward for yourself and build up your confidence again. Know that you have lots of time to find someone else and that “broken attracts broken.” That’s the thing I keep trying to tell myself, that my last relationship failed because we were both looking for the other person to fix a part of ourselves. I wanted to gain self-confidence and she wanted to break her cycle with her ex. Neither worked. You have to do those things on your own. Try to sort out your own value system, what it is you want from YOURSELF and what makes you happy. Live those things. Be those things. The rest will come.

Dear icedmunkie:

My advice is for you to keep doing what is working, those things you listed. Just because the things you listed do not make you perfectly happy is no reason to stop or neglect them (at least the smoking cessation, exercise and better nutrition as well as maintaining some current friendships). And maybe instead of doing more and more, let yourself do nothing and BE with the feelings at those times instead of trying to escape them.

When overwhelmed with emotion it is often advised to distract (meditation, tasks, socialization) but when not overwhelmed or before getting overwhelmed (usually with un-necessary thinking that make you feel worse) stay with a feeling. Feel it in your body, focus on the sensation.

And there are messages feelings are trying to deliver to you. Once you feel comfortable enough with a feeling, calm enough you will know more than you know now and that knowledge will be the guide that you need.

anita