Anita-
The girl I was dating was buy a book at the bookshop. I wasn’t into reading books….pretty standard for a lot of 17 year olds. So while she was looking I checked out the non-fiction sortof business/self-development kinda stuff. And Im like hey this stuff is cools so i bought a book. It wasn’t that i was coming from a frame of ‘I need to be better’, but rather ‘I can get ahead’ this stuff is really helpful and I just wanted to learn amore and more, it was a real interest. But these books send a message that you can always be doing more better etc one of the quotes was “In bed think about impossible things” – I’m like thats awesome. And over time, for simple situations I would go ‘how can i make the best use of my time and how can I get something out of X’. And I’m guessing that this mindset translated over to social things ‘ How can i have the best impact in this simple non-significant encounter. Hmm how can I make them feel better? whats going to be the smoothest interaction. And I really thought with practise anything was possible so I could become really good at these different things, which will help me in the future for business etc.

^ Im sure this is not the whole picture though. Im sure I got self-conscious at times for many things. I have always cared a lot about what people think of me such has not going out until I’m dressed the way i want to. But in lower high school and end of primary I got a lot of attention from girls and people in general.

It quite contextual. I can be super awkward for periods. Then other periods in summer I get a lot more comfortable and confident. And when I do army reserve training where there is a culture of ‘not trying’ literally if you tried to please someone it feels awkward. its just not about that. And in this environment I’m probably one of the most natural confident guys at army training. Then at other times I go to pay for petrol and feel like I have to be nice and acknowledge them with a smile or some eye contact before i leave even if I’m NOT in the mood. other times – that kind of shit never enter my mind. If I am with my close friends, just having them around gives me a lot of confident no matter what the environment and I feel a lot more confident than most people.

Its just so transient and changing. And because this happens, i over analyse it in my mind a lot (although I try not to and try to be present etc instead. Then sometimes i think but I have to think about it to solve it, then I got well its probably that I’m thinking is why its happening so then sometimes I start a ‘mindful’ dialogue that is a dialogue non-the less.

The only strategy I can think of is to try meditate more and work towards cutting the over thinking><