Dear voicewriter:

It reads to me that you were an angry woman in the relationship with that man. You are angry. You were angry with him and that is why you broke up with him four times, to punish him. Then when he made changes, you continued with your anger tantrum, as if saying to him: “You made changes, huh? And you think it is enough for me? Oh, no, I am still angry with you!” You couldn’t get back the soft feeling you had for him because you were angry. Anger is a rough, hard feeling. Can’t experience the soft feelings when angry.

Underneath that anger, there was fear. Now that he is gone, so is your anger and what you are left with is the fear.

If you agree with what I wrote here, would you like to share about the nature of your fear then and now and your past anger?

anita

Dear voicewriter:

I read your despair and I am confused as to what is going on. Lots of respect you had for him diminished because he put up with the bad way you treated him. That statement confuses me. Was the bad way you treated him a test he had to pass, if he stands up against your disrespect of him he would have passed… Why were you treating him badly? Because your needs were unmet? What and how were those needs unmet, I don’t know. Needs unmet is a term people use and it can mean so many things. When not specific, “needs unmet” is to vague to mean anything to me, to explain anything, to indicate anything…

SO it became a dull, loveless relationship AND you fear it was the “best thing (you) ever had”- see the contradiction here?

Are you referring to the beginning of the relationship as “the best thing you ever had? Well, you already lost that because it ended being loveless, so you write.

If you would like to clarify, please do. I would like to understand.

And what is the difference between Frustrated and angry (You wrote you were the first but not the second)?

anita

Dear voicewriter:

The relationship is over. That is a good thing. You abused him during the relationship, and now that it is over, you no longer abuse him. That is a good thing. Your needs weren’t met during the relationship, you were frustrated and now the relationship is over. Again, that is a good thing. It is done with. No benefit in you feeling badly, like you are a horrible person. The best thing you can do is LEARN from it. Learning is very important to me. I am 54, close enough to your age and was lost during most of my life. Since I got on the healing… and learning path, seeing more and more into myself and into what is out there, the more and more interesting life is becoming. My life is more meaningful now as I approach 55 than it has been to me in the past.

I wish YOU the same. This is what i would do if I was you: learn from this relationship. Learn about you and about people.

You wrote that you abused him. Yes, this is not the doing of a good person. When you abused him, you were NOT a good person. As I wrote, good it is over because you no longer abuse him. Sometime later on, I hope you sincerely apologize to him for that. Really, no matter your reasons, you had no right to abuse him.

You abused him but you say you were not angry because to you, “angry is aggressive behavior.” Well, abuse is aggressive behavior!

The usefulness of feeling badly about yourself is only for the purpose of repairing your behavior. As I wrote, maybe later, when you get better understanding of what happened you will apologized to him. Not yet, because it will not be sincere. You need more clarity before you ask him to forgive you, if you choose to do so.

You asked if I thought you are a horrible person? No, I don’t, not unless you are having little children for dinner tonight (a joke!)

As you get more understanding, you will find out that inside you are always loving and looking to be loved, always had and always will. This is what is inside. So if you take this learning path, this IS what you will eventually find inside you. Inside you are the most beautiful, loving and lovable person. The same little girl, loving and lovable that you were more than fifty years ago. I hope this answers your question about being a horrible person- or not- in my mind.

I don’t know what needs were not met, if you had unrealistic expectations or if he was extremely clueless and had no empathy for you, I don’t know anything about him and very little about you.

What do you think so far about what I wrote?
anita

Dear voicewriter:

Crying on a Saturday night… I can almost hear you crying somewhere out there. I cried many Saturday nights, when I was young, that was when many of the girls who had boyfriends were out on the town and i was alone, Saturday night after Saturday night… endless lonely times. I wanted then what you want right now, we never grow out of wanting to love and be loved…

It is clear that no contact is the thing to respect, respect his wishes no matter how you feel. Respecting him is the opposite of abusing him, so don’t get this one wrong- first and foremost respect him now and always, do not contact him.

About learning, how about not getting into a relationship at all with a man who does not meet your financial expectations of him. Find out before getting involved, the financial situation of the man. This will prevent hurting the man for what he cannot help and it will be easier for you.

I don’t know why you turned to be a person you were not before, why with this guy.. it really was not fair to him, he can’t help not having money and he can’t help not having the sexual character that you need. He can’t help it.

So, find out about the money first. Then the sexual stuff, I suppose you have to be with a man that way to find out…

You are lonely tonight and you miss some of what you had with your ex boyfriend. That is understandable. Something is better than nothing.

But since for whatever reason you turned into an abusive person as a result of this particular relationship, then that is a clear indication that it should have been ended. You did the right thing ending it, and a better thing not to have started it to begin with, after finding out he is not financially secure.

Do you think in what I wrote here there is some of the learning stuff? there is more, of course.

anita

Dear voicewriter:

It is not all your fault, only about 50%. The other 50% is his fault. You and him are equally responsible for the nature of the relationship that it was and to how it ended. You are 100% responsible for your participation in the relationship and he is 100% for his AND it makes 50%-50% shared responsibility for what happened between you. You were and are both adults.

There are all kinds of abusive behaviors and I didn’t think much about what you meant, i didn’t think you beat him but took your word that you were abusive. So you were the poking type abusive, just giving him a hard time, negatively criticizing him, doing what you can to make him feel bad, yes, that is abusive. Not fatally abusive, but abusive.

I think you should be with your friends even though he will be there, next time instead of isolating.

I suppose his feelings are hurt. That is why he shut down.

You are in the music scene in Boston you say, makes me think of the Beattle’s song All you need is love-

I wonder if there it is what you need to learn, my first point, what it is that you need. When you ask what is wrong with you, it seems to me that there is something you need to figure out, something about what it is that you need and why was it not enough, what you had with him, something other than money and sexual practice, something ELSE.

When there is something meaningful that is screaming from inside of you and you don’t know what it is, you think there is something wrong with you. Once you “hear” what it is, you will go: oh, I get it, this makes sense, now I UNDERSTAND what went wrong.

This is why people feel good in therapy, when it works. they go in thinking there is something wrong with them but through therapy they get INSIGHT, understanding their motivations that were hidden before. Once understood it is no longer weird or odd, or abnormal or strange… it makes sense.

Something there, in now non awareness needs to become conscious, get to your awareness. Maybe not now, maybe you are too emotional. Give yourself time to relax. Maybe a hot bath, hot tea, an old movie… music or just sleep. It is 10:50 pm in Boston right now. Maybe you can relax and sleep on it. You can post more, here, tomorrow. I know my brain will be in a better state tomorrow… I am tired too. So good night. Take care of yourself, come back to this thread tomorrow, I hope!

anita

Dear voicewriter:

You wrote that you usually wait until men break up with you. I wonder if that is why you were “a shrew” – your word- with this last man, giving him a hard time, nit picking, waiting for him to break up with you. That may be a passive aggressive way to make things happen. I don’t know. I am guessing because you have no insight of any significance into this relationship, in my understanding. This is very interesting to me.

Probably a good idea to leave it in the past and not go back no matter what, not with him. Without insight, it will end badly… again.

Wishing you well. I wish I could have been helpful. If you do get some new insight, please do post again and I will respond!

Have a Happy Bostonian Thanksgiving!
anita