- This topic has 29 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.
November 22, 2015 at 6:44 pm #88145AnonymousGuest
No, I do not NOT wish to continue writing. I am fine communicating further. I thought I was not helpful to you and didn’t see a way for me to be helpful. But since you are interested in more, i am definitely willing to continue!
I am lost, really. This is not often the case with me reading posts here. I really am lost. Let’s see, what can I ask you so to maybe get an understanding myself… oh, of course: can you tell me a bit about your childhood, specifically about your relationship with your mother, your father? Past and present if they are around…? But mostly how it was, your relationship, your intimate experience with either parent or both?
I wonder if you are willing to go back there. Our relationships throughout adulthood are greatly influenced by the relationships in our FORMATIVE years. That may help me get an understanding… maybe you already do?
anitaNovember 22, 2015 at 6:57 pm #88150
Thank you! Both of my parents are deceased, actually. My father was manic-depressive, so I had a volatile family life. He was not very nice to my mother, very verbally abusive (and I married a verbally abusive man, no surprise). My mother was a sweet woman, but I had a lot of anger and resentfulness that he put up with my father treating her the way he did. I guess I thought she was weak. I was not a very nice kid, kind of a brat. My father, when I was younger, wasn’t sick, and I wanted to always be with him, until he got sick, and then I hated him and wished my mother would leave him. She never did.
But beyond that, you were looking for some insights into my relationship. What would you want to know?November 22, 2015 at 7:14 pm #88152AnonymousGuest
To gain insight into your very last relationship I do need the relationship with your parents when you were a child. It is very relevant, do not kid yourself. Just because your childhood happened and is done with decades ago, it can very much be alive and well, still working in the present. We carry that child part of us throughout our lives. I want to process what you wrote here:
Your father was very verbally abusive to your mother who was a sweet woman. She did not express her anger toward her husband. She put up with his abuse. You thought she was weak. You as a kid made it a point to not be like your mother, to not be weak, so you were kind of a brat, you write.
When you were with your ex boyfriend (the last one), you abused him (nitpicking, negative criticism…) and you broke up with him again and again. You were disappointed with him for putting up with your abuse. You wrote these things on this thread, you can re read your posts. You thought your bf was weak for accepting your abuse and you lost your loving feelings for him.
Your ex bf was like your mother, accepting abuse and you were like your father, dishing out some abuse (I know, not as bad as your father did…) You lost your respect for your bf because he was like your mother, accepting abuse. Maybe you tested him to see if he takes it or stands against it.
As a child, living with your sweet, submissive mother and your … later abusive father, you LEARNED to be like them, a bit like your mother and some like your father. Be at times submissive and at other times aggressive.
You also mentioned the sexual things. I don’t want details as I am uncomfortable most often with too much details on sexual practices of others, but I wonder IF it is about you being aggressive sexually that you prefer.
I wonder how much you identified with the STRONG parent, your father and how much you detested your mother for being weak. I wonder how much these patterns have played in your relationships with men and with the last one.
What do you think, any bells?
anitaNovember 22, 2015 at 7:23 pm #88153
I never thought about all this. I lost my loving feelings for my boyfriend, though, before the abuse started, before I got incredibly frustrated. It took a long time, many months, of wondering if I could spend my life with this man. We had a loving kind relationship up until then, actually. As far as sexually, no, lol, I am not aggressive sexually. I am actually more sensual than sexual, which was the problem, because he’s more sexual than sensual. Difficult match.
As far as other relationships with other men, I never was in a relationship like this one, so I’m not sure there’s a pattern. Most of the men I’ve been with have been strong-willed, and I was the one who was the needy one. This one was completely different.November 22, 2015 at 7:43 pm #88154AnonymousGuest
Still interesting and I am still lost… thought I had it for a moment.
Do you see any connection between having the parents you had, the childhood you had and the relationships with men?
Anything rang true in my last post, anything at all? Can you re-read it, maybe think about what I wrote and about your relationships with the first, most important people in your young life, your father and your mother, and how those affected the rest of your life?
With my life experience, I can not believe there is no connection.
I am soon going to bed, early I know, and I am in WA so that is three hours earlier than your time. Anyway, I will soon retire. So if I don’t answer tonight, I assure you I will answer you tomorrow morning, my time.
anitaNovember 23, 2015 at 7:25 am #88162AnonymousGuest
This is what you wrote in this thread:
“So I am struggling with my breakup. I dated this man…A great guy, a good guy, wanted nothing more than to spend his life with me. I thought I did…I broke up with him four times… It didn’t matter what he did, I just couldn’t get back that feeling. So I ended it….now I feel lost and scared… I’m a complete wreck and anxiety-ridden. I wonder what is wrong with me???
… I don’t feel like I was angry… I was still in love, but it slowly dissipated. I don’t know why.
…I have fear that I possibly lost the best thing I ever had….I have fear of being stuck in a dull, loveless relationship, because that’s what it became.
…I lost a lot of respect for him because he allowed me to abuse him and didn’t stand up for himself…
I think I fell out of love with him, and was just unhappy and afraid to end it, so I think it manifested itself in me being nit-picky about trivial stuff.
…I wonder if I (didn’t) pulled away from him, when it was wonderful in the beginning, which helped create the dull, loveless relationship.
…what are you thinking about me, that I’m a horrible person? …second-guessing myself yet again.
… he…has a lot of empathy. He’s a beautiful and wonderful person… It (sex) wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t earth shattering either. … I’ve never had anyone love me like that my entire life, and can’t imagine that I ever will again, so I am mourning a huge loss.
But at the same time, it got to the point that I didn’t want to see him, and even when I did, I was not happy to be around him. He would have gone on like this forever, and I just couldn’t anymore.
… I keep asking myself, why wasn’t it enough for me? Why couldn’t I love him the way he loves me? Like what’s wrong with me?
…What hurts the most is that he has shut down. When I talked to him yesterday, I felt like I was talking to an alien. Never has he not wanted to talk to me. Never has he been cold as ice to me… And it’s all my fault.
… I think the issues I had were real issues that I just couldn’t get past, for whatever reason…So yes, I have to figure out what’s going on with me, whatever that might be. I’ve been in many relationships.. It’s not like I run away from relationships. I don’t… I am not afraid of love.
…What did you mean by I have no insight of any significance into this relationship?
…My father was manic-depressive, so I had a volatile family life. He was not very nice to my mother, very verbally abusive (and I married a verbally abusive man, no surprise). My mother was a sweet woman, but I had a lot of anger and resentfulness that (s)he put up with my father treating her the way he did. I guess I thought she was weak. I was not a very nice kid, kind of a brat. My father, when I was younger, wasn’t sick, and I wanted to always be with him, until he got sick, and then I hated him and wished my mother would leave him. She never did.
…I never thought about all this
…I never was in a relationship like this one, so I’m not sure there’s a pattern. Most of the men I’ve been with have been strong-willed, and I was the one who was the needy one. This one was completely different.”
My input this morning: It is YOUR JOB, your responsibility to yourself and to the people who care about you, who are in loving relationships with you, to get INSIGHT into your own mind, into your motivations: what makes you tic the way you do, the way you did in relationships past and in the one last. It is not my job. It is time for you to take on that job that is yours to take.
Here are two quotes for you:
“Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.”
“Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
anitaNovember 24, 2015 at 2:08 am #88212XiangXiangParticipant
i broke up 12 times in 9 months when i was 24. it was first time. intuition pushed me to. i was right.June 30, 2016 at 8:33 am #108598
So cannot believe I am back here — after breaking up in November, and me believing that my priorities were wrong, and boyfriend agreeing to try once more, here we are again, broken up. We have struggled with the same issues that I’ve always had with him, and after breaking up five times now in three years, WHY am I wondering if I made a mistake?? I had a wonderful man, loyal and totally devoted to me, patient. And now I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone again. I feel awful, guilty, and sad. I know I can’t go back. I don’t even know if he would even talk to me at this point, and I wouldn’t blame him. And here I sit, sad and questioning myself.June 30, 2016 at 9:01 am #108600AnonymousGuest
Welcome back to your thread. I re-read all your previous posts as well as the latest one. These are my thoughts at this point:
When you were a child your father was abusive to your mother. Your empathy was with your mother: when she hurt from your father’s abuse- you were hurt. She didn’t assert herself so you got angry for her. You got angry at your father for abusing your mother-yourself (there was no separation for you mentally, between your mother and yourself, not as a young child).
The intensity of your anger was proportional to her lack of anger, to how passive she was. Later on in life, you had relationships with strong-willed men, you wrote. This last man was not strong-willed like the other men in your life- he was softer, more needy of you, more loving.
That was what triggered your anger, as I understand it. It was like you were talking to your father and saying to him: “Now you are nice? Now? After all that you did? Too late now!”
At the beginning of your thread, you insisted that you are not angry but “frustrated”- I disagree.
You may very well be angry right this moment as you read this. Are you?
anitaJune 30, 2016 at 9:04 am #108601
Hi Anita. No, I am not angry at all. I’m very sad and confused, in fact. I’m wondering if I lost the best thing I ever had in my life.June 30, 2016 at 9:09 am #108604AnonymousGuest
I am sorry you are distressed again, like you were in November, wondering the same thing, if you lost the best thing you ever had in your life. Do you think there is a value in examining my suggestion in my previous post to you today?
anitaJune 30, 2016 at 9:13 am #108605
I’m not sure I was angry with him, as much as I was frustrated. And what do I do now?? I can examine the thought process regarding my parents, but it doesn’t seem like the analogy is what is happening with me. Any other thoughts? Should I call him? Should I try to sit with my decision, the fifth time, and realize this is never going to work? Is it me? Are we just not compatible? I’m feeling so anxious over this whole thing and doubting myself.June 30, 2016 at 10:07 am #108609AnonymousGuest
I see that indeed, you are very anxious and distressed. Can’t think clearly when that distressed. So please calm down, a hot bath will be a good start, a fast walk releases stress, anything but thinking about the problem at hand. Distress causes cognitive-fog, making clarity impossible.
So when you are calm, please come back to the thread for clear thinking.
You can also use this thread to vent, distressed and all, just keep writing, keep expressing.
anitaJune 30, 2016 at 10:11 am #108610
LOL, part of going through is anxiety and questioning. I don’t think a hot bath or a walk is going to resolve my feelings. They have been going on for days now, it’s not just right now.June 30, 2016 at 10:22 am #108612AnonymousGuest
Hope you feel better soon. Let me know if I can be of any help to you and how might I be able to help you.