Dear Melanie:

I just went over your last post. And this one. I have no doubt that a doctor will diagnose you with some version of anxiety and maybe depression. If you went to different doctors they will come up with different diagnoses around anxiety and depression. They go by lists of symptoms from a book. And they will give you pills, drugs, mood altering drugs on a try-and-see-how-you-feel basis. Currently you are medicating yourself with marijuana. The difference is that with doctors, they will prescribe certain amounts and the pills are regulated, so each pill is a certain amount of drug.

In other words, it is not so important what diagnosis you get, the result is that you will be given drugs. And often those drugs, like your marijuana, will help sometimes, maybe, but will not cure you.

You are looking for mantras, silent meditations on the go. Here is a silent meditation I am coming up with right now:

Breathe in deeply, hold the air in, slowly let it out. Repeat. And say to yourself: “I am okay. Everything is okay right now. RIght now, I am okay. My feelings feel scary sometimes, but they are not dangerous. I survived all my feelings so far and will continue to survive my feelings. I am a scared little girl. I need me to help me. I can help me. Little girl: I love you. I am going to take care of you right now, today. One day at a time. I hear your cry for help and I am here to help you. Talk to me anytime, tell me how you feel and I will hold you and rock you and calm you, again and again. I love you, little girl.”

Give yourself a hug, arms around you. Breathe in, hold, breathe out slowly. Repeat.

anita