Dear Mermaid:

I was unsatisfied with my above responses to you so I went back and read some of your posts since last year. At one point you lived in France on your own and it didn’t make things better for you. Learning from history is important: moving and living on your own does not mean Problems-Solved!

I read about your dissociation, floating above your body, not being connected/ associated with your emotions, overly thinking, thinking none stop in order to make sense of things and decide on the right-thing-to-do. I read about your chronic fatigue and ongoing feeling of distress, that being squeezed feeling that drains your energy.

I have to correct myself, now with further information- and I apologize for doing so when you are already confused. But please follow me:

your therapist may be doing the right thing so far. From what I have been reading from 2014, the trauma did not originate from the changing of religious beliefs fifteen or so years ago. But way before that- and the distress of way before that probably was the glue that held your religious beliefs in place for 15 years. The trauma obviously predates becoming religious.

i am so sorry for your distress. I believe I am very familiar with this kind of distress you are describing, from very personal experience. I believe I do know how difficult it is. I too was chronically fatigued and feeling that squeezed, distressed sensation very often. I too analyzed and re-analyzed with no progress made.

There is hope though, because I believe I WAS there, where you are, in your mind, and I believe I am in a much better place now and not by accident. But by effort and a plan and a path of healing that is available to you as well.

Without you being associated, aware of your emotions you have NO WAY of knowing anything, really. You can’t solve life’s problems with intellect alone. This is why all that thinking did you (or me) no good.

There is no doubt in my mind- and I mean, no doubt- that the solution for you, the way for you, is to get re-associated with your emotions. You need your emotions to have easy access to your awareness. You need to be okay with experiencing them and listening to the crucial messages behind the emotions.

Whatever needs to be done to promote re-association with your emotions is THE RIGHT THING to do and the right way to go. Maybe put more into therapy! Maybe, if elements of abuse and neglect are ongoing with your parents, move out. I don’t know. What I do know is that re-association, reclaiming your emotional self is non negotiable.

There are things from the past you are refusing to see because you imagine seeing those things will cause you more pain than you can handle. Someone has to guide you through seeing what you need to see and hold your hand so that you believe you can endure it and live afterward. It is necessary. Who will be guiding you and holding your hand through it?

anita