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How to help a friend who has lost hope?

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • December 25, 2015 at 7:52 pm #90593
    HealingWords
    Participant

    I have a friend who is a singer, and now she hasn’t really gotten her singing career establish at 24. She has lost all self esteem and has refused to take any gigs because she doesn’t want to sing in front of anyone.

    She has no way for people to buy her songs, she doesn’t record them, and she is self sabotaging herself and her career so she ends up working at a restaurant and wallowing in self-pity saying she wishes she could be a song writer or singer or whatever

    Everyone wants to help her and she doesn’t accept it. And she never helps herself

    Is it a lot cause for me to help her? how can I help her

    I keep telling her she needs to be advertising herself and taking advantage of social media, and she never bothers, never tries. As a Christmas present I made a lyric video of the two songs I have.

    is that over stating my boundaries? I wanted to show her it today but I don’t know if she would feel bad if she didn’t have views? I would delete it if she told me to.

    What else can I do?

    December 25, 2015 at 8:06 pm #90594
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure: You care about your friend; you are trying to help her. It is sad to see someone you care about give up, wallow in self pity… the more you care, the more heart breaking it is. Maybe she needs to give up, to be in that low place she is in. Maybe from that low place, she will find a new way. Let her be there. Let her stay there for as long as she needs to be there. Just tell her you care about her well being, that you want her to find peace. Tell her you are available for her, to talk, to help somehow.

    I wouldn’t initiate help, only offer for her to come to you with anything specific that SHE comes up with.

    anita

    December 25, 2015 at 8:20 pm #90595
    Anonymous
    Guest

    More: you wrote: “Everyone wants to help her and she doesn’t accept it. And she never helps herself”

    Well, trying to help her is not working out. And she does not initiate trying to help herself. What if you ask for her help, for you. Find an area that you need help and ask her to help you, and tell her how she can help you, be specific. What she needs is to feel confidence in herself, that is that she is able to make things happen. She gave up on making things happen in her life.

    If you ask for specific help from her, her input, insight on something you are struggling with, and then (hopefully) she gives you good input, you listen and do you sincere best to take it in and make a change in your life based on her input, then it is a win-win, you took in her advice and made something positive happen in your life AND you showed her how she can make a positive practical change in your life.

    That may give her the confidence that she has it in her to affect a positive practical change in (your) life. From there it is not too big of a jump for her to …hopefully wonder if she can make such a change in her own life.

    anita

    December 25, 2015 at 8:33 pm #90596
    HealingWords
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your advice! It is really hard to watch someone you care about end up in a dark place. I don’t want her to give up with music because she has talent and he puts heart into it and she doesn’t even see it! I just want her to find her way and maybe being in that low place will help her find it, and maybe it isnt even with music! At the same time, I am a person who is very goal orientated and having someone want to do something not be so driven to accomplish it makes me frustrated, so I have to back off in that sense.

    I like the idea of asking her for help, and telling her how she is helpful and being positive with her. Her self confidence needs to be improved but it shouldn’t be shoved in her face. I will give that a try!

    Laure

    December 26, 2015 at 7:17 am #90598
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Laure,

    I would love the video! I mean if she’s going to wish to be a singer, well meaning friends come with it! The video will be on the internet forever! And “forever” is an awesome first step!

    So I’m an artist. It’s easy to label yourself an artist, and be an artist when you’re very young. There are zero to no expectations from others, you can dream big, and your family supports you (literally!) Then after school, stuff becomes REAL/”Real”. Now you FEEL the expectations, are faced with very harsh criticism if you even dare go out “There” and show your work to “Real” people (strangers). Then you feel silly when you say, “Oh I’m an artist.” And meanwhile you’re bussing very real tables. And have a few smudged sketches to show for it. And aren’t up to the speed of computer/graphic enhancement anymore. And the art that hasn’t sold is hanging in cheap frames in your apartment. (*cough*!) So yeah, I know all about it!!

    If the video is well received by her, make another for her! Reframe it. Say these are for her kids one day in ten years if she ever has kids.

    Best,

    Inky

    December 26, 2015 at 7:23 am #90599
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh, I have an idea!

    Become friends with the restaurant manager where she works. One day when she comes into work, have him play her own songs as background music!!! She will see that the customers are cool with it. Then next year you and the manager can burn the songs on a CD (don’t know how that works) and customers can buy them or win them as a gift (for Favorite/Most Loyal Customer). Then her fan club is where she works!!

    December 27, 2015 at 9:19 am #90666
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Inky: I very much like your two posts above. The first one explains so well to me what you are talking about. I think it can be very helpful for artists to read, the transformation from the protective, encouraging family support of the young artist (when such is the case!) to the cold strangers world, what an excellent post. I wonder what kind of an artist you are, Inky? And what is the status of your own definition of yourself as an artist?

    anita

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