Thanks Anita, yes I know what you mean. That’s how I feel, anything I say or write will just be quickly scrunched up, thrown away, put into the back corners of his mind. He will never face up. The saddest thing is is I think if he actually sincerely apologised this could, to an extent, be mended. The cracks would still show but it would show some sort of respect to our memory. In my mind I think ‘why do you want to remember your first love so tragically? You only live life once, surely just try and make amends’ that’s what I would do. But it’s like none of that matters, for him, he can deal with what he’s done just as long as his current life is going okay which I imagine it is. The past doesn’t matter if the present is going great. Perhaps if it went really badly e.g he got cheated on, I would hear from him but that’s a hypothetical situation, I’m trying to convey his character.

I’m learning that life isn’t fair but I’m also still pretty young that I still sort of believe in magic. I don’t mean Harry Potter. More the whole ‘expect the unexpected!’ Where something somehow will just happen, that sort of thing used to happen for me. Unexpected events that left me feeling astound, wonderment. Even from him. When we first started getting to know each other over 3 years ago, he said goodbye, that it wouldn’t work. Over a month later I heard back, he changed his mind. But this is when I didn’t really know him so I didn’t really care. It was a pleasant surprise to see he’d contacted me again but I wasn’t overjoyed with relief or anything. Now, I keep thinking he will have a moment where he just realises to put this right. But he’s a different person now. It’s hard to accept. How can someone be so different. Or was nothing going great in his life back then that he turned to me?

To answer your question, I don’t know how you live life when it is being unfair in this way- not in this particular way. How does someone make peace with something that is so clearly wrong? Does it fade in time? If you know, please share. Forgive me if I sound bratty, I don’t mean too. For the first time I’m feeling very very young and naive.