Hi Anita, your message did lift my spirits. Part of me really probably does want him to suffer.. or at least reflect. He used to love this film, he loved it because there was a part where everything was in turmoil and the actor would turn to the screen and go ‘and so it goes’. That’s how I think he want to live his life. The event happens, you pause to take it in/momentarily reflect (perhaps his version was writing in that diary I found all those months ago if you remember) and then you move past it and never look back. I think you are right about the drug induced high though, I would feel elation I think. But I can’t help wanting it to happen, not just for causing me pain but because he has actually reflected on the type of human he is and wishes to become better. I won’t entertain that thought for much longer.

Hi TriangleSun, yes I do not think contacting him is wise anymore. As Anita said, he is closed. But I’m not sure he will cheat again. The person he cheated on me with, lets call them Z, works with him. Z is his assistant so they are likely together every single working day 9-5 and I imagine they see each other on weekends. So I’m not sure how he would cheat! They only place to flirt is at work and Z is there watching. There is a second reason and I only found this out at Christmas. Just to give a quick back story, my ex’s email account was still logged into my computer when we broke up and that’s how I found out he cheated. I swapped laptops with my mum and asked her to close it and not tell me when she did it. But she was curious before she closed and found something. Him and Z worked together to mess up someone’s career path. A year ago another person “L” wanted to get a promotion, he was older than my ex and initially wanted a promotion my ex wanted. My ex got it because he was good friends with his boss. So then a year later L wanted to try and get the next promotion. By this point my ex had cheated. There was an email to his boss, this isn’t word for word ‘I’m so glad you got to the top, I see myself as your second in command, your Lieutenant… Many people in this company ‘name’, ‘name’, ‘name’ say that “L” is showing animosity toward them. He doesn’t respect me. Z is working amazingly well and completely agrees with me, that his attitude is rude and unprofessional. This promotion is coming up now and he thinks he must only impress you. Of course I don’t want him fired but I think you should tell him that the decision of him getting this promotion is between Me and You.

My mum only told me at Christmas when I was going to message him a long heartfelt message. She said don’t, this is how poisonous he has become. He is not going to care so just write something short to get your truth out but don’t waste your time and tears.

The last line still haunts me a little. In the end L never did get the promotion. Z did. I think my ex just wanted to force someone to respect him that never really did from the start (I had met L). Z gives him big ego boosts, they act like a team and I think he loves feeling high and mighty. I strangely imagine them getting married one day- my mind does that to protect me I think. It is trying to adjust me to the worse possible outcome so that if it does happen then doesn’t hurt me because I’ve sort of already accepted that would happen. Him reaching out to ask for forgiveness seems very far away, karma has a lot of work to do in the mean time