taking a risk and having ptsd

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This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 9 months ago by E.

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February 1, 2016 at 9:03 am #94569

E
Participant

Hi everyone,

As of right now, I have been diagnosed as having ptsd. I have been dating, and figuring out what my triggers are along the way. However, as much as I want to be able to spend my free time enjoying and getting to know other people, I still feel blocked (probably from my own fears) because of the trauma and the relationship that I enjoyed while I was in the process of being abused/assaulted by someone else. I only recently figured out some of these things, I am receiving counseling and EMDR therapy. But I feel like I am missing out. I want to be able to have fun, and I am generally able to go do things like bowling and hiking, parties and movies, but sometimes the nightmares and triggers cause panic attacks, and I end up a little in “la la land” until I can deal with the fear and the rest of it.

Because the trauma has all been recent (within the past few years) and because I am an honest person, I tell people up front about what I have been going through, so that they are aware when I might have some sort of reaction (one that I might not be able to control), and I’m still just learning what my triggers are and how I’m going to feel after them. But I’m finding that some people don’t really want to listen or be compassionate about it. I am struggling with this, as I am a person who likes to talk. It isn’t the only thing I talk about, I usually bring up some funny stories from my past, things that I’ve enjoyed and other good events that have happened to me.

What’s bothering me is other people’s reactions– that I’m not “over it” and therefore there is something “wrong” with me. That I’m not worth being in a relationship when I am “like this.” I’m probably going to unpack this with my counselor as well, but has anyone else encountered something like this? I feel like I’m a square peg trying to fit into other’s people’s round holes, and clearly failing at it. Should I even try to talk to people like this? Thanks, E.

February 1, 2016 at 9:30 am #94575

Anonymous
Guest

Dear E:

My thoughts as I read your post, may be relevant or not to your case:

I wouldn’t tell just anyone. Depending on the level of association.

Everyone dissociates some, goes to a “la la land” sometimes, so no need to warn people of that. They do it too.

I wouldn’t share the PTSD diagnosis with anyone the first time you meet them (unless it is a counselor, or here on this forum)

Fear is what operates in you, bringing about these symptoms. Fear is very common, in fact, everyone has to find a way to live with fear. You can connect with people in that they too are afraid.

What do you think so far, how relevant is any of my thoughts to your person and situation?

anita

February 1, 2016 at 9:40 am #94576

E
Participant

Thanks Anita, that is a great way of thinking about it. I have been looking to make those kinds of connections with people, I’ve described it as having my spidey-sense permanently turned on. I don’t make the ptsd a topic of conversation unless I feel like we are starting to spend more time together, so it’s not just anyone but people I would be romantically involved with (or potentially). People have described it to me like I’m holding a deck of cards– I don’t reveal my entire hand the first time I talk to someone, but reveal a card here, and then here, and then here.

February 1, 2016 at 10:08 am #94580

Anonymous
Guest

Dear E:

I like the card analogy. After all, you don’t know what issues, and often enough grave issues other people have. So you reveal one card of yours in a self accepting way. That way you encourage the other (including a potentially romantic partner or one that is already) to reveal to you her card. When she sees it is okay to … have cards, that it is okay with you, then she will be encouraged to reveal her own.

And I am yet to meet a person that does not hold a deck of their own cards…

Please post again, anytime, E!

anita

February 1, 2016 at 10:14 am #94582

Dina
Participant

Hey E —

I just had one comment I wanted to add here: anyone who thinks you are not worth being in a relationship because you have shared something personal with them, is not worth dating. The right people will care for you just the way you are, and will be willing to work with you through your struggles 🙂

I told my current boyfriend on day one about my anxiety disorder, my frequent panic attacks, and the (very had to talk about) fact that I take medication to calm the panic attacks. Not only did he tell me he still wanted to be with me, but he has supported me, told me we can work through it together, convinced me not to be ashamed, and has never once made me feel badly about it.

The personal example there is just to show you that there are people out there that will love you for you 🙂

February 1, 2016 at 10:23 am #94584

E
Participant

I keep hoping someone will feel that way about me. Thank you for sharing that 🙂

February 1, 2016 at 10:40 am #94587

Dina
Participant

You will. Everyone has something in their lives they are afraid to share and are still working on. One of my favorite quotes is “We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.” If it doesnt work with one person, they may just not be the right fit. Someone else will be 🙂

February 1, 2016 at 12:28 pm #94599
Inky
Participant
Hi E,

I went through (what was to me) a traumatic, soul wounding experience. And one of my dearest friends in the world said (two months after it happened) “You’re not over that yet?!”

It was shame lumped onto the shame I already felt. That’s what we’re dealing with here: that feeling of Shame.

“We have to be strong. Telling our stories makes us look weak. This shouldn’t have happened to us in the first place. And if it did, we must ‘get over it’ by never speaking about it. If we pretend it never happened, we can reclaim being ‘Strong’.”

You know what, I would love to be that type of person who I call The Beloved Mess. The girl with the wild hair who gets a hangnail or has a trauma that everyone coos over and says “It’s OK, I totally understand!!” And meanwhile someone else could be dying of cancer and “Oh she’s not over it yet?”

I would be honest with people but only if asked or **if they are Worthy**. I wouldn’t go on and on about it, but I would frame it in a simple, direct way. And realize that you are so much more that “That”.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
February 2, 2016 at 5:07 am #94685

E
Participant

I am so sorry to hear about that, Inky. I do know that feeling of shame and guilt. I know I am finding my own path to healing right now. Maybe I just expect the best of people, and when that doesn’t happen, I am disappointed and then ashamed of myself for expecting better. Which is yet another pot hole I struggle to stay out of.

I had thought that’s what I was doing, about not going “on and on about it, but frame it in a simple and direct way,” but apparently some people can’t handle it. So, that was another learning experience on top of everything else. If they are “worthy”– I am also struggling with this– how to decide who is worthy or not. That I get to choose who gets to be in my life. That I am the one that can at least control some of that, when I couldn’t control the assault or my own reactions to it.

I do hope that your own soul wounding experience heals.

February 2, 2016 at 10:12 am #94705

M
Participant

Hey, E.

It’s my first time here, I actually have never seen that Tiny Buddha has a forum, but I absolutely just HAD to answer you.

First of all, I want you to know you are not alone. In fact, I was thinking exactly the same thing yesterday and today. A while ago I went through two episodes of sexual violences, made by two different men in two different situations. I knew it was pretty serious, but I had no idea how much it would still affect me and my life after a year. I realized this because I saw myself in a situation that slightly reminded me of one of the episodes and I freaked out completey, my anxiety increased immediately and I just couldn’t handle this alone.

I must tell you that finding the courage to share this with people is incredible and I admire you so much for this! Honestly, I can’t tell if it’s right or wrong, if you should or shouldn’t do this. It is something so personal and so delicate, it’s not up to anyone to tell you this. I think that, if you feel comfortable with the person and if YOU want to tell this, than go ahead. It must be important for you, and only for you, because right now you must take such good care of yourself.

Just don’t feel that you’re not worthy or that you can’t be in a relationship because of this, that’s nonsense. You are on your way to recovery and it takes time, so don’t worry about that. The fact that you can share this is beautiful, and unfortunately some people won’t recognize it, but it’s not your problem. You must keep on doing what you feel is right for you, I guess.

I really hope you feel better, because that’s what you (and we all!) deserve. Sending you my best wishes, ok? And thank you so much for sharing your experience! 🙂

February 2, 2016 at 10:17 am #94707

Anonymous
Guest

Dear E:

As to “I am also struggling with this– how to decide who is worthy or not. That I get to choose who gets to be in my life.”

My answer in deciding who is worthy for me to risk myself for, to risk being rejected…. I would say those who pass Test 1 are worthy of Test 2. For example: I share something small with someone, something that is not very risky for me to share. This is Test 1. I share and wait and see what is the response. If the response is that I was heard, attended to, responded to respectfully and with some empathy then the person is worthy of Test 2, sharing a bit riskier piece of information. I do that, wait and see what the response will be and so forth.

anita

February 2, 2016 at 1:54 pm #94748
M
Participant
It sounds pretty good, actually! I’m also trying hard to figure this out, so it seems like a good idea for me to try. Would you mind sharing more about it? 🙂
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by M.
February 3, 2016 at 5:25 am #94799

E
Participant

Thank you Anita, I like this approach, it is the card analogy in practice 🙂

February 3, 2016 at 5:31 am #94800

E
Participant

M– I am SO SORRY to hear that. <3 I can’t believe how many people this affects. I “never thought it would be me,” but it was. And it’s far too many other people.

As for telling people, it’s more like, the more people I can tell about it, the less I have to worry about it being “my fault.” So seeking some sort of absolution. Which I can stop, because something in me knows that it isn’t my fault, but I do still blame myself for the fallout from it, from the assault to the broken relationship and feeling like a burden on my friends and family. Intellectually I know this to be NOT true, but some days it feels true. And it definitely felt true the other day.

I had a friend send me a “heart hug” about a month ago. I am sending one to you now.
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