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Having Trouble Moving On

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  • February 17, 2016 at 6:35 am #96269
    Solie
    Participant

    Hello. I am new to this forum. I wanted to reach out to see if I can gain more clarity with the end goal of officially moving on. Like everyone else, I am composed of two entities, my brain and my heart. My brain is pretty savvy and knows what I need to do, knows what I should do, knows my worth as a human, etc. But my dang stubborn, slow-learning heart is another thing. When I fall, I fall HARD, but the good thing is I do not fall that often.

    I am a single-mom to two children under the age of 6 so my social life is pretty inactive. I don’t have any single friends and live in a city where I find it hard to make female friends. So I have done my share of on-line dating. I started seeing a guy August 2014 and I was smitten pretty much from the get-go. We just clicked and had good chemistry unlike any other. But of course, I attracted an emotional unavailable guy who was not over his ex, wasn’t ready to commit, etc. But I still hung onto hope that would change (my heart did, my brain knew better). Of course that didn’t work out, and I should have just moved on, right? Wrong. Yes, I went on a handful of dates in 2015, but for the life of me, could not get this guy out of my system.

    I reached out to him in May of last year, only to have a very cold response which sent a dagger to my heart. So, I decided to never reach out to him again. My pride would not allow me to. His rejection has affected me in a way I could never predict but it has also brought to light my daddy issues, which I thought I already came to terms with. I’ve tried moving on, but can’t. I am a big fan of Abraham Hicks and listen to YouTube segments just about every night. Some days I feel better, other days I just want to cry. I know I should probably see a therapist, but finding a good therapist that you click with is like finding a good mate to have a relationship with. It’s not easy and being a single mom to two, I have to watch the time I take off of work (most of my time off allowed goes to my kids’ appointments).

    I’ve been through heartbreak before and it took me a long time to get over it. I remember waking up and just like that, the situation no longer consumed my thoughts like he does. He pops in my mind from morning to night every single day and I am trying to re-program my brain to think of something else when he does, but it’s easier said than done. I guess I am just frustrated because I want to be over him and the heartbreak already and I’m not. I still hold onto hope that he will come back new and improved (my heart does at least). We live within a mile of each other and I keep thinking I will run into him someday, I’m bound to.

    I’m open to suggestions, books, etc.

    February 17, 2016 at 7:58 am #96274
    Samwise
    Participant

    I was once in a similar situation. So, I understand the part where you want it over with already. But it doesn’t work like that :/

    Time was what did it for me. You have in your head this idea that he is the one for you. Somewhere in there & heart, you want this to be true so bad. You know this isnt the case. You have trouble moving on because, in reality, you know you need to move on but that part of you doesn’t. Living in that inbeween is the worst. And if you want to move on…for your own happiness, you need to tell yourself: enough, I’m moving on. I made mistakes and fell in love with all my heart. There’s nothinn wrong with that. Sometimes other people aren’t ready for this kind of love. I’m owe to myself to find someone worthy to be my partner. Not everyone will do. So today, I move on because I love myself.

    Tell your self each day how awesome you really are. Btw, after moping around for like a year…and contacting the guy at weaker times…one day I woke up and he wasn’t there!! It was so awesome to finally feel free! It was not easy and many, many tears were shed, sad songs sang, lots of gym time and new experiences. And then, while my life was on the way up, I met My One 🙂 There have always been struggles, but there is a huge difference between those that really want to put in the effort and work them out vs those that don’t care. Move on and let new things flow into your life, you are much too valuable to cry over spilled milk.

    February 17, 2016 at 2:32 pm #96332
    Solie
    Participant

    Thank you @Samwise. My brain knows all this, but it’s like my heart wants to sulk in the misery. Unbeknownst to him, he has become a part of me it feels like. My feelings are still strong for him to this day. Yes, he may have liked me to an extent, but he didn’t like me enough to give me what I wanted. It’s hard moving on without closure. I never really heard from him how he feels about me. I speculate, but that’s it. And really who’s to say if I did know how he felt if it would even make things better for me? It may not. Oh well, it is indeed, spilled milk.

    I’m making things harder because I still have this fantasy in my head that he will be back and we will have a second chance…it doesn’t help that I haven’t found anybody during this whole time that I am even remotely interested in. I guess it’s just not my time…..

    February 17, 2016 at 5:53 pm #96350
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Solie:

    You presented your brain and your heart as two separate entities that don’t cooperate very well. I want to suggest an exercise for you to do here on this thread: share about this thread topic twice:

    First entry: write from your heart, and I mean only your heart, give it words. I imagine your heart is not going to use big vocabulary words, and will speak like a child, simple sentences, direct…let your heart talk. As your heart writes, do not let your brain interfere. Write anything that comes from your heart.

    Second entry: only your brain.

    Will you try it? will respond of course, if you do.

    anita

    February 18, 2016 at 2:42 pm #96423
    Solie
    Participant

    OK, I’ll try:

    -Heart-

    You awoke something in me that I forgot existed. I felt it the first time we met. It was instant. The way we clicked, not just physically but intellectually. I don’t remember a time where I had so much fun just sitting next to a person on the couch. I loved how you appreciated my corky sense of humor. We balanced each other in that respect. I loved how I was able to be myself with you and you seemed to appreciate me for me. I loved how we would chat all day about everything, sometimes meaningless things, sometimes not. I loved how you would tease me and made me laugh. I loved how, in the beginning, you would find ways to touch me and how you would pick me up when hugging me hello and goodbye. Like you were happy to see me, happy to have me. I felt like an infatuated teenager…perhaps I was.

    The potential you and I had made me feel hopeful and happy. I could really see us making a good team together. We enjoyed each other’s company and I can’t tell you the last time I felt that with a man. I wanted to love you, but you wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t figure out a way to break down your walls.

    I tried walking away a number of times….then I would go back to you. Then when I said I would walk away for good….you would come back for me. You coming back made me feel wanted even though you were not giving me 100%. But the last time…that was it. It hurt me and still does to this day. The disappointment is the same disappointment I felt when I was 5 and my dad was supposed to pick me up for a visit, but never did. Like I had all this expectation and aspirations, just to be shit on and let down. (this is not the first time that a man, other than my father, who let me down but because of my strong feelings for you, this felt worse than the others. This pain is about the same as when I found out one of my exes was cheating on me. Getting cheated on and unrequited love feels about the same in terms of pain). I feel like I showed up at your doorstep with my heart in my hand offering it to you, and you just shut the door without so much as an explanation why. Your rejection triggered the re-birth of my 5 year-old self waiting for my father to show up in my life. Has me questioning why must men continue to shit on me? Aren’t I worthy of love? Aren’t I worthy of an explanation? Aren’t I worthy of closure?

    February 18, 2016 at 2:43 pm #96424
    Solie
    Participant

    -Head-

    I knew right after our first date that I caught feelings for you (something I normally never do). I wish I would have stepped back. Your walls were too high for me. I hate how I would dissect every little thing you said and did. Like I was looking for an ounce of evidence that you were as into me as I was into you. I knew you weren’t, but I was hoping to find evidence that proved otherwise.

    You said and did things that were obvious that you were trying to push me away. But I let my stubborn heart convince me to stick around longer than I should have. I spent too much time trying to convince you that you were selling yourself short, that I, inadvertently sold myself short in the process in sticking around, hoping a guy would recognize my worth. I don’t need you or anyone else to validate me. I’m a great catch. Any guy would be lucky to have me. I didn’t need you, but I wanted you. The more you pushed me away, the more I wanted you. Sick how I allowed myself to fall for someone who was hot and cold with me. I know better.

    And all the times you brought up your ex….I knew exactly what that meant. I’m glad I did bring that to your attention. You needed to know that I knew way too much about her vs what you knew about my ex. The difference is I am over my ex. You were not. What pisses me off is you’re a smart guy. All the mistakes you made with me, you will be smart enough not to make them on the girl who you do decide to settle down with. It pisses me off because that girl is not me.

    All the signs were there that you weren’t ready. I knew of your financial situation and wasn’t fazed by it (I was in it for YOU and YOU only). Then, when you used that as an excuse not to give me the relationship that I wanted and deserved saying, “if that isn’t in order, nothing else will be”. I bought it like the fool I was. You were just buying more time with me. That reason alone had me convinced that once your life is “in order”, you will come back for a fresh start. As time marches on, that has become evident to me that will not be the case. I hate that I still want you. I hate that I still miss you and still miss the potential. I fell in love with potential instead of the real deal.

    I believe people come into your life for a reason. I learned a lot of lessons from you and I am grateful for them. I just wish my heart didn’t take it so hard……

    February 19, 2016 at 8:39 am #96481
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Solie:

    I read your Heart Post and your Head Post as well as the original post again. This is my understanding. I will be typing it as I think it and please let me know if I am correct and correct my understanding where it needs to be corrected:

    A good part of you is still that five year old girl waiting for her daddy to pick her up. Still waiting. The Heart is the part of you that is waiting for him, loving and hoping. The Head is the part of you that knows your father will never pick you up. So The Heart is waiting, hoping, loving and the Head “knows better” that is, that love is not going to happen.

    Now, going to my (anita’s) head: i am thinking love can happen for you, only the hurt of the five year old needs to be attended to and processed so it doesn’t have the strong hold on you that it does now. This kind of hurt, the five year old’s hurt is not to be ignored, it is very significant and very powerful. It is an intense hurt that keeps vibrating waves of pain in the present and as long as not attended to and processed, it is likely to keep vibrating pain … and it will make a love relationship possibility for you less likely.

    This kind of hurt distorts thinking. With this hurt, every appearance of rejection by your object of love (the person you are reaching out to) is alarming, even if it is not real rejection. Regarding your experience with the last boyfriend and the boyfriends before him, I am sure they all rejected you in real life eventually but it is probable that in the process with a few of them, you contributed to their rejection of you by making it very difficult for one or more of them to be with you. Again, I am not denying any valid story you have about men cheating on you or otherwise rejecting you- these happen all over the place, so it is not unusual. But, your five year old hurt being so… alive in your experience has to make you hyper vigilant to rejection.. it has to cause you to inaccurately project your scenarios at different times so you don’t see reality for what it is.

    Like you wrote a good therapy would be best and I agree with you that it is difficult to find a good therapist. It was for me and the one I eventually found, only five years ago, was not perfect but he was indeed… good enough!

    I would like to communicate with you more about this and hope you do to, that it may be helpful to you some. If so, please let me know what you think so far about my input…

    anita

    February 19, 2016 at 8:51 am #96482
    Solie
    Participant

    ^I agree with everything you posted @anita. My problem is how do I heal my 5 year old self? One of my therapists suggested to me that I find my father. She thought that finding him would end my problems with men. I know who my father is and know where and how to reach him. Well, I did. We had a decent talk and wanted to meet up. But trying to schedule something with him was impossible. I left the ball in his court and he has since ghosted on me….again. I can’t help but laugh at this point. My own father ghosted on me, yet this therapist thought it would solve all my problems. Ha!

    I think you’re right that I am hyper vigilant about rejection. I think I need to work on loving myself more before I get myself in another relationship. But this last guy just resonated in me. I want what we had (the good parts). I think the fact that I attracted someone who would reject me in the end is telling. It’s like the only reason I was so drawn to him was because he was going to fulfill what I feared most. Law of Attraction at its worst. So, I need to think and fell positive in order to attract someone positive in my life who will love me back the way I need them to.

    Thank you for your input and exercise.

    February 19, 2016 at 8:55 am #96483
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Solie:

    I am not sure if you want my input on your last post…? Let me know because I do have more thoughts regarding this last one.

    anita

    February 19, 2016 at 9:03 am #96485
    Solie
    Participant

    Of course! 🙂

    February 19, 2016 at 9:34 am #96489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Solie:

    Then here it is: how outrageous, that your past therapist suggested you look for your father! It never ceases to amaze me how incompetent many therapists are, something I am already well aware of. To suggest that you reach out to the same man who rejected you already, again and again, is an invitation to more rejection! A child naturally reaches out to a parent with only love in mind and heart so I know you reached out to your father repeatedly when you were a child. And then, I also know that if his rejection was your earliest experience of rejection, I know that you had no prior experience with rejection to taint that experience with your father and therefore I know that his rejection was real, just as you experienced it. To suggest that you get more of the same rejection is outrageous to me!

    You wrote: “I think you’re right that I am hyper vigilant about rejection. I think I need to work on loving myself more before I get myself in another relationship.” Unfortunately, in my experience, it is not possible to work on no longer feeling rejected outside a relationship, on your own. I think that the child part of you that was in reality rejected by her father is not going to believe (the Head part of) you that you are not worthy of rejection or that rejection may NOT happen next. She is not going to believe you. She knows her REAL EXPERIENCE of having been rejected. She believes what she experienced!

    She can learn to trust in the context of a Healing Relationship. The idea of healing in the context of GOOD therapy is that the relationship with the therapist is a Healing Relationship. Can’t heal a relationship injury except in the context of a relationship. So relationship, with a … GOOD (!) therapist or a good friend… here on tiny buddha (some) or the next boyfriend (wouldn’t it be great, couple therapy with the next boyfriend)…

    Hoping for more and more communication with you as you see fit.

    anita

    February 19, 2016 at 11:29 am #96506
    Solie
    Participant

    You know to be completely honest, I said “…love myself more before I get myself in another relationship” and the truth is I say that as a cop out to going out and finding another relationship. Right now, I feel like I don’t have the emotional energy for one or the optimism of finding a decent guy. On one hand, I don’t want to be alone forever, but on another I’m like, “whatever”. I’m scared that if I put myself out there (via on-line dating) and have more bad experiences, I will just give up entirely (on finding love). And I don’t want that to happen. Underneath all this hurt lives a hopeless romantic.

    I find it interesting your suggesting in a “Healing Relationship”. I would have never have thought about that as a means to get over my issues. After that bad therapist, I purposely seeked out a male therapist. I told him I’ve always had problems with men and I decided to go outside of my comfort zone of always going to female healers (both medical and mental). And I was so not impressed with him. He barely said anything or gave me any exercises, and that’s what I need. I need a therapist who will challenge me and give me structure (things to read or write about).

    February 19, 2016 at 11:51 am #96513
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Solie:

    My first good therapist was the first to give me homework: every session there was homework for the next session. sometimes after a session, he would email me the homework assignment. Whenever he didn’t have an appointment with another client after me, he would give me more and more time, being very generous with his time, for no extra charge. He also didn’t charge me for phone calls and email communications. He was the first therapist that gave me any thought in between sessions! He was big on psycho-education and gave me printed material to read and introduced me to so much! His specialty was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which he supplemented with lots of Mindfulness. I hope you find someone like him. I found him by googling “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy” in my area at the time.

    I understand you being exhausted at the moment and not wanting to date.

    anita

    February 20, 2016 at 10:52 pm #96615
    Samwise
    Participant

    You know to be completely honest, I said “…love myself more before I get myself in another relationship” and the truth is I say that as a cop out to going out and finding another relationship.

    Solie, this what you said, does it mean that you don’t really mean the “love myself more” part and you are using it as a cope out instead of going out and looking for another relationship?? They have this saying in Spanish that un clavo saca a otro clavo. One nail gets out another nail. However, while I believe this to be somewhat true. I don’t believe that it will give you what you are really looking for. You will attract what you are or what you are seeking. Love will happen when you are ready.

    Another thing, you talk about abandonment issues. Do you realize that by seeking out these kinds of men, you are abandoning your own self?

    Your rejection triggered the re-birth of my 5 year-old self waiting for my father to show up in my life. Has me questioning why must men continue to shit on me? Aren’t I worthy of love? Aren’t I worthy of an explanation? Aren’t I worthy of closure?

    You are worthy of love and that’s why you should continue to focus on loving yourself first and foremost, because you are worthy of your own love. Men continue to shit on you because you are picking the wrong kind of guys. A better question would be why am I picking the wrong kind of guys? I asked myself this very same question so many times. My answer came years later. I picked the wrong kind of guys because I didn’t love myself. Because I didn’t think I was worthy of love so when someone showed interested, they became my attachments. I kept attracting the same kinds of guys until I stopped myself and said enough.

    Worthy of an explanation? based on who’s standards? On theirs? The stories I hear from you say no, they don’t consider you worthy of an explanation BUT that doesn’t mean you aren’t. Don’t measure your worthiness off of some sad person’s standards. They are the ones who aren’t worthy of you. Closure? We all want closure to feel completed, to feel that we can finally move on. We are works in progress. We will probably be never quite completed. The closure you seek is to understand why they do what they do. They probably haven’t even come to terms on why they do what they do. Probably walk away because is easier than to call and explain. They live in worlds where the only important player is themselves and no one else. Let them live in fantasy worlds and don’t try to understand what can’t be understood. You sound like a good person trying to figure it out. Just keep putting in the work like you have been. My favorite quote that I tell myself when shit goes down, is “this too shall pass.” Nothing lasts forever. This rain will pass, and once it passes, the sun will shine. It always does 🙂

    (I don’t mean to be harsh or judgmental, I just sometimes get a little passionate when I see good people putting themselves in bad situations 🙁 )

    February 22, 2016 at 7:06 am #96744
    Solie
    Participant

    Thank you @Samwise and you are not coming across harsh or judgmental.

    I meant that as a cop out of going out and finding a relationship since that is what I will have to do in order to find love. I can be out (grocery store, bar, restaurant, some kind of event-you know the usual places one would meet another single) and I never find anyone that catches my eye….NEVER! It’s weird. And I live in a big-city. So, that tells me in order to find love, I will have to be proactive (and can’t just “live”) and will have to go back on-line. Something I do not like doing.

    And I totally agree about picking the wrong kind of guys but I find it odd how I am subconsciously drawn to the wrong ones. I have a healthy self-esteem (I’m not conceited but I don’t hate myself), I am successful in life in all areas but my love life. I am very self-aware and open to grow and learn new things. But when it comes to men, I can’t seem to attract or like the right ones. The post that this guy is about….I knew he was emotional unavailable from the beginning, yet I held on hoping he would come around. Well, lesson learned. I will never be doing that again, wasting both my precious time and feelings on someone like that.

    So my question is, if I am in a good place in my life (career-wise, own my own home, etc) and I do not hate myself (I know I’m not perfect), how do I “work on myself” or “Love myself more” than I already do?

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