The debate is about minimum wage earners and I had it second block and i think my ap english friend and his team did much better, they had more charts and graphs and also they engaged the audience much more. our team did well with the information, but i don’t like being in front of people much even though my voice and posture are normal, i was stressed at the ap world history dbq (document based question on how the enlightenment disrupted the western world and some of the documents from rene descartes were hard to analyze because they talked about the reality of the world around you and the abstract vs. the concrete and it was confusing) practice that my teacher brought upon us and since i was stressed on the dbq that i had to did first block, i don’t think my mind was really on the ap english debate. i think it was just the nervousness of going about my ap english friend who is great at science and also the dbq that really made my mind seemed sidetracked during the debate and it was as if i wasn’t very passionate about my side. a lot of my team members had been stressed over the tests they took in other classes and also the fact that we were debating against our friends on a side we didn’t agree with (i got the side where you can live on minimum wage). also physics seems to getting harder and the teacher seems to be explaining things even faster and my mind is whirling trying to keep up with everything. we are learning about objects being pulled at an angle on a flat surface, objects on an incline and objects being pulled at an angle on the incline. there are times when the force of gravity is equal to the cosine of the angle in the y component of the weight and there are times when you use the force pulling you downwards instead of using the force of gravity, you have to use the applied force sine of the angle to find the normal force that acts on the object. There are just so many steps for those different problems that i get confused which one is which and when to do one or the other and it doesn’t help that the teacher doesn’t explain everything thoroughly. i hope i make it through this semester with an 80 or higher in physics honors. my ap english friend who is great at science has started to use his scientific knowledge against me and we debate quite a lot about biology, chemistry and physics. my other ap english friend who is great at literature is quite helpful and encouraging and tells me that i can do well. there is a new competitive team called the “Imitation” A team. they have the best grades and are really smart in math and science and when other people like me fall behind because my mind can’t work as fast as theirs, they just give them some advice that doesn’t really do much (but it’s still nicer than the A team that puts people down if they aren’t smart). The “Imitation” A team has a great sense of humor and can be fun to be around, but they can be annoying when they compete against you and also when they don’t help you much when you fall behind. However, I like them better than the A team since some of the people are nice and they don’t put down people even though they can still put a strain on you because you see them striving so far and also having lots of confidence and you think “i wish i could be like them. but i think i never will have the strong intellect and confidence they have. i feel like i’m just an above average person, but their geniuses.” that’s how the “Imitation” A team makes me feel about myself at times, it makes me think i am very inadequate and that i won’t be able to get where they are. this is my first year of discovering that i like math and science and i am working my way, but all this pressure and constant cliques people form for competition are quite straining. i wish i could be like my lunch buddy since he is very laidback and he doesn’t care about the cliques and competition, he is just happy with himself. he is a a great person who explains things quite well and is very encouraging. The A team hasn’t really been bothering me much because now they are busy watching out for the “Imitation” A team because they don’t want them to be smarter and this constant competition is annoying. today, after lunch my head was spinning from newton’s laws of temperature that my lunch buddy was explaining (i understood the pre-calc part with the logarithms and how to solve for k, but the physics part didn’t make much sense). anyway, my special friend saw us discussing schoolwork together and he seemed jealous of the fact that my lunch buddy was smarter than he was, it made him feel inadequate. so he sought me out after lunch and asked if i still cared about him because lately it seems like i hang out with the ‘smart’ people. i told him that i was trying to do well in school and that i felt inadequate at times since most of the people i hang out seem to have things i wish i had and that i still cared about him, that i loved him for the fact that he is always there no matter how dramatic i get over school, no matter how distant i sometimes can be from him (busy with school), no matter how many times i think i regret the person i’ve become, he is always there to tell me that no matter what i’ll always make it through and also that it doesn’t matter what others are doing or how others are, that i don’t need to keep changing myself to be better because i’m already perfect and good enough the way i am now. today, when i met him going to my ap english class, he wished me luck on the track meeting after school. anyway, the track meeting was fun, there were a lot of team mates i knew and i met new people as well, our track team has grown since i’ve been gone for 1.5 years, but i’m back on the team and i am glad to see my friends and make new ones. so after the track meeting, i took a bus home and my special friend was there (he lives nearby) and he asked how the track meeting went and i told him it was fine. then he asked me how my day was and i told him “it was okay.” he is really good at reading me and he knew that today wasn’t really a good day and he asked me if i was okay, he told me he was here to listen. i said “you really don’t want to know how today went and how i may end up failing physics honors and how i feel like such a failure.” today’s day with the “Imitation” A team, debates, dbq and physics honors was just annoying. he said it was okay, that he was here for me and that i could tell him anything. so i told him pretty much what i wrote a few sentences above and he listened and i felt better after telling him. i love the way that even when i fake a smile, he knows that i’m not fine and is always there to help and listen. his empathy is great and many of my other friends can’t read me as well as he can, it also helps that he’s known me since seventh grade. anyway, he listened and gave me a hug and he told me that it was okay, that he would help me in school and that i had more drive and determination than anyone else he knew and that he wouldn’t let me fail, he would support and encourage me to go far. he also said that life’s a journey and that it’s meant to be enjoyed and it doesn’t matter if you slip, fall or fail in your pursuits, the important thing is to keep going after the dreams you care about and experience the adventure of life. live life and continue to keep chasing instead of waiting and sitting around watching life pass you by and not achieving your dreams. he said if you let failure define who you are, if you let it knock you down in life, if you let fear get in the way, you will never truly experience the beauty of life. life isn’t easy and there are many obstacles, but keeping your eye on the dreams and taking steps toward it will be much better than living a life with regrets, a life unlived that you didn’t even try. i don’t know how long he held me for, but it didn’t matter, just having him hold me was enough to make me feel better and make me feel stronger about myself. anyway, he decided to race me since he knew i did track and it was fun, we were both laughing after running 1 mile and we both purposefully tied. anyway, my hair had fallen loose while we had been running, but it didn’t matter, it was the sheer freedom of running of pushing yourself forward that made me smile and also being with him was great. anyway, we stopped at a tree with the sun shining lightly on us and he told me “i’m glad to see you’re more like your old self, happy and carefree.” even though it snowed a little today, by the afternoon the sun was out and it mostly melted and the weather was moderately warm. my hair was a bit messy blowing in the breeze and my sweatshirt was disheveled from running, but i was happier than i had been moments ago. anyway, my special friend whipped out his cellphone and said “let’s capture this special moment that we shared. i want to remember being with you.” it was so sweet what he said, but i was afraid that my hair and sweatshirt were messy, so i told him to wait before he took the picture. anyway, while i was trying to fix my hair, the wind blew again so i just left my hair down blowing freely, when he showed me the picture i winced at the way my hair was flying around and it seemed messy, but he said that i looked beautiful and the loose hair in the wind made me seem like a free spirit which made me laugh. anyway, i mentioned that i had conflicting emotions about my special friend, when i first met him, i tried to deny that i loved him because i didn’t think i was good enough and i was afraid of being betrayed. i had been bullied and also criticized on my religion in wicca, criticized in my physical appearance especially in the winter with my red cracked hands and also in the summer with my acne. before sixth grade, i had always been carefree and enjoying life, but after being bullied in sixth grade (it wasn’t too bad, still had friends) into seventh grade (friends mostly moved away or avoided me because of wicca), so i made this promise to myself that i would never fall in love, that i would be self-sufficient and do well in school.however, it was hard to be a loner at times, it was hard having no one to go to when you needed some help from stress, but i tried it. i had a crush on a guy in sixth grade and he ended up betraying me and ridiculing me for not being good at volleyball (which i still hate). in seventh grade being told that i was worthless and no one would like me by another guy since i believes in wicca (he called me a freak), had acne (he told me it looked like they were frog warts) and also the cold hands during the winter he said “what are you, a snowman?” he was quite abusive verbally, but i tried to be friends with him since i felt lonely. in the second semester of seventh grade, i met my special friend and he would always tease me, but not unkindly, he was the first person who took notice that i was a real person and didn’t avoid me or criticize me too harshly. he could be quite entertaining at times and he would teach me to play soccer. we were just acquaintances then, but he made me become a good soccer player and also he picked me for his team when everyone else rejected me. i made friends in his friendship circle and i didn’t feel so lonely anymore. anyway, i got pretty good at soccer that we started to become friends and he would defend me when other people laughed at me. there were times when i was bullied and he would encourage me to keep going and defend me, there was one time when he was sick of all the bullying that i faced and he said “why don’t you learn to defend yourself?” i wasn’t sure how to and my self-esteem was low, but my special friend would role play the bully and slowly i learned to stand up for myself. toward the end of the semester, my grades were pretty good (i wasn’t as stressed in school) and i had enjoyed playing soccer and i found that i was in love with him. i tried to deny it, i didn’t want to be betrayed again and like the song “High Above Me” i thought he had everything and i didn’t really have much to offer. so i started helping him with school work, making him laugh at times, but i was quite shy around him. he would often catch me sneaking glances at him during class and he would wonder why i was staring at him. i think he started to know i liked him when every time he came by, i would jump and smile at him and also when his friends argued against him, i would always defend him and always make sure i won. he was quite surprised to know that i liked him because a lot of girls didn’t like him for his competitive nature in sports and his acting skills. also he thought it was just a crush of mine and he teased me for it, he didn’t think i could really love a guy like him. but he was nice about it, he told me that he liked me as well because i was smart, but he wasn’t sure if he could ever love me like in a relationship because he doesn’t really know what real love is, most of the girls make fun of him and his parents sometimes complain that he needs to do better in math and science. i was okay with that and i didn’t really care, i just wanted to be close friends with him and have fun. there were times when we fought with each other and we would curse at each other, but we forgave each other. i think we were both afraid to let each other know that we liked each other, me because i had been betrayed so many times, him because he had never felt anything like this before and he wasn’t sure if it would last (the last girl he liked was cruel to him and often had things done her way so he had no control or say, after that he hasn’t really had relationships with any girl but he still has some friends, but he is afraid to let himself go and fall in love again). i mentioned that we also share a physical connection because there are times when he talks about intimacy and mentions the intimacy that he never really enjoyed with the other girl because she was quite controlling and they weren’t on equal terms. another girl he liked only cared about sex and he didn’t think a relationship was just about that, but i think she influenced him a lot before he left her because in most of his relationships, he’s always been more on the spiritual side than the physical side, but after being with her and her controlling nature, he thinks about the physical side of relationships as well. when he was in that relationship with her, he would always come to me and say “i think she is changing me into a person, i don’t want to become.” it took him a while to leave her because she was quite controlling and also often played with his emotions, it wasn’t real love. i think we are both afraid of losing control, being used and betrayed that we hold back at times. yet, in eighth grade when he would role play the bully again, one girl thought he was actually bullying me so i made a friend and that built my self-esteem up. she still remains one of my closest friends today and along her came others and i didn’t feel so alone. there were times when i felt sad and she or my special friend would tell me it was okay, that they would stand by me. it was really in eighth grade when i realized that i was truly in love with my special friend both spiritually and physically. he made me feel like a stronger better person, he made my heart beat faster and also my mind seem clearer, he made me feel spiritually alive and healed. i was really shy around him though, it took my gal friend in eighth grade to push me forward by telling me to believe in myself to get me to have the courage to go talk to him at times, also he was shy around me at times. yet, we always ended finding each other no matter how big the crowd or our different schedules, we seemed to know each others’ aura. i’m still quite shy around him and he still isn’t god at strong emotions because he’s never known what true love really feels like so at times it feels like we are distant from each other. but we always see each other and end up meeting. there are times when i’ll go to the library to study and he would be there on the computers. i don’t think it is a coincidence that our paths always cross a lot, sometimes intentionally others unintentionally. i think there is a spiritual connection between us because on the days when i feel sad, he always shows up, sometimes unexpectedly to ask if everything is okay. sometimes he gets jealous if i am studying with another guy such as when i’m with my lunch buddy or my two ap english friends. there are times when we both are busy and we don’t see each other for a week, but somehow next week our paths will cross and we will be glad to see each other. some of the people who know both of us well and laugh at us because they think we are in a physical relationship and it won’t last, that it isn’t love, but infatuation. i think there was a time in ninth grade when we both were infatuated with each other, we were jealous of each other and seemed to not be able to let each other go, he was quite possessive of me. he didn’t want to be betrayed or lose someone he cared about like the other two relationships that didn’t work out. however, i think over time we have learned to trust each other more and be more relaxed around each other and it has become a strong spiritual love for both of us. when people see us together, they laugh and say it’s not going to last, there just a typical boyfriend/girlfriend couple and it’s just physical intimacy. i bet it will be over when they have sex. we’re both really annoyed when people say this about us because we’ve been through so much together that it seems like we are more spiritual partners and we help each other develop and grow rather than a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. i think we met each other for a reason and if we have to let each other go we will without any bitter feelings and unlike the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship which requires you spend lots of time together and have intimacy, we have more of a spiritual connection and we let each other have freedoms (knowing that we can just encourage each other and give each other support), we tend to share a platonic love and we don’t have to spend a lot of time together. we can each lead our own lives and as long as we’re both happy, we don’t really care about anything else. also the spiritual love that we share helps us really appreciate the beauty of life and if we do end up together as soul mates that is great, but if we don’t we will both keep the memories and continue to spread the love we shared to others and help them heal. many people at my school and also my parents think a relationship has to be physical to be a relationship and that it is mostly just infatuation that doesn’t last or the person is just playing with you. but a relationship doesn’t have to be purely physical, it can be spiritual as well. sometimes when my special friend and i laugh together and hug each other, lots of people think we are in a physical relationship. they are quite criticizing and say “how long will you two last?” ,”what do they see in each other?”, “you shouldn’t be with him/her because you two are in different social circles.” (we get this a lot since he is an actor/athlete and i am a scientist, but we both enjoy science and working out ) or they laugh and say “how long until you two will just end it after you two have sex?” (this question annoys both of us and sometimes makes both of us curse and feel uncomfortable). i think we do share a physical love for each other as well, but after so many betrayed relationships especially the one he had with a girl who was quite controlling, we both seem guarded and afraid of losing control. in the song “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls it states “you’re the closest to heaven and i don’t want the world to see me cause i don’t think that they’s understand.” i think when we are together, i see so many possibilities and feel truly alive both spiritually and physically and sometimes other students don’t understand our partnership. Also in rachel platten’s “Stand by You” it states “And the heart sometimes it’s unclear why it’s beating. And love, if your wings are broken, please take my so yours can open too. show me all the scars you have. Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through. Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you. Even if you can’t rise, I’ll cry with you on hands and knees, cause I’m going to stand by you. I knew you’re hurting so am I and love you’re not not alone.” This song is about always standing by someone know matter how hard life gets for them or you and helping them chase after their dreams even if they feel they are broken down and still accepting them for all the faults they have, telling them that you’ll be there for them and believe in them even if they don’t believe in themselves, going through the pain they feel, just to be with them. i feel like every lyric in this song reminds me of what i would do for my friends, what i would do for my special friend and what he has done for me. I feel like my special friend and i help each other and if we feel sad or sometimes when we feel like failures in life, we’ll both take each others’ pain and help each other work through it and toward our dreams. I still think that my special friend and i are still trying to figure out our emotions for each other and sometimes we still deny it because we’ve both never felt a love like this before and we are afraid of what other people say of us that we are in different circles, that we aren’t good enough for each other and also of being betrayed. We both have conflicting emotions about each other and tend to hold back at times, yet we still make each other laugh and cheer each other up. sometimes i wish we could both tell each other what we really felt about each other and assure each other that we truly love each other.