Dear Ravi:

If it wasn’t for how badly you feel and how sad it is what happens, “may your tongue rot” is almost funny. I am not minimizing how wrong the expressions of your anger at Jerry were. They were wrong. I am saying that your anger expressions are childish, you acted like a hurt, angry child. And it is obvious that your anger is fueled by all the times you didn’t stand up for yourself, didn’t fight the bully (shame your parents gave you such bad advice on that) and when peers told you that you were a wimp, a coward that cut you deep! So with Jerry of all people, you got triggered and was adamant to not be a coward.

You wrote not much could be worse than what you did to Jerry. One thing could be worse: if you expressed your anger like that to your future child. That would have been way worse. I sure hope this is corrected by then!!!

Again, assertiveness plus control. But assertiveness not only when you feel angry (then it may be too late and being aggressive is what you feel the need to be) but being assertive all the time, before you feel angry. This will heal you. Please pay attention to this. You may not be aware of all the daily opportunities you do have to be assertive before and without feeling angry. You need the practice!

so, what are you going to do about Jerry? How many days has it been, I forgot. Give it more time? Write to her what you learned about being assertive and over time it reducing your anger and eliminating your aggression when angry? Tell her about the bully and the other experiences so that she can have an understanding of what triggered you? I am brainstorming here.

anita