5 Ways to Validate Yourself: Be Part of Your Support System

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay

We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives.

A while back I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people.

Some of my most effective mood-boosters included:

  • Reading emails from readers who’d benefitted from my writing
  • Calling loved ones and reminding myself of how much they valued me
  • Sharing my experiences and recognizing, through the resultant conversations, that I wasn’t alone with my feelings and struggles

These are all perfectly valid approaches to feeling better, but they all hinge on praise and external support.

Getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves.

With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.

If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing so you can depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful: 

1. Make a “you” section in your daily gratitude journal.

Of course, this assumes you already keep a gratitude journal to recognize and celebrate all the good things in your day. If you don’t, you can still take a few minutes every day to give yourself some credit.

Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made, and even the things that required no action at all—for example, the time you gave yourself to simply be.

When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.

2. Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.

Odds are, you aren’t always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when you come to them with a painful story. You’re looking for them to confirm you didn’t do anything wrong—or if you did, that you’re not a bad person for it.

Essentially, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. Give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. Then by all means, make it if you want to.

The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to be there for yourself.

The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.

3. Recognize when you’re judging your feelings.

If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down or insecure, or generally having emotional reactions to emotions, you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless.

Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself.

Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem—not your self-judgment about having to deal with it.

4. See yourself as the parent to the child version of you.

I know this one might sound odd—bear with me! Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically.

When you’re looking for that warm, fuzzy feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self.

Picture that little kid who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you a genuine sense of compassion for yourself.

Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others; it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.

5. Get in the habit of asking yourself, “What do I need right now?”

Oftentimes, when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves.

If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?

You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energized, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself.

This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously.

One more thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself: accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful—an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me.

I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort; it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it.

It’s one of life’s great ironies, that it feels so natural to feel bad about feeling bad. All this does is keep us stuck. When we stop blaming ourselves for having room to grow, we’re free to focus our energy on doing it.

Do you have any techniques for validating yourself?

Photo by Jo Munday

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha and Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. Her latest bookTiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, which includes 15 coloring pages, is now available for purchase. For daily wisdom, follow Tiny Buddha on Twitter, Facebook & Instagram..

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  • So true Lori. Too many get caught up in helping others that we forget to take care of ourselves. Asking for help is a big one and also turning down the critical internal voice of negative self judgement.

  • Mike

    Hey Lori,

    Every time I get an email from tinybuddha and see your byline I read. You really have a gift for sharing and helping others with your writing. I just wanted you to know that I suppose. Keep on keepin on and doin what you do. You are making a difference in ppls lives and I think that is cool.

  • Great stuff Lori – we all need a little self-validation sometimes. I like a little self talk a a la “I have self-worth without seeking validation from others”. Been using that when I get down, and helps me out!

  • Beautiful, Lori…thank you 🙂 I hadn’t thought to add a “me” section to my gratitude journal..I will add that in today. One technique I have to validate my self (and the whole idea of validating myself is quite new to me so I am learning) is to celebrate my steps as I take them. To slow down enough to recognize and appreciate the step as I take it, and celebrate that movement.

  • th0ughtbubbles

    I’ve been silently reading this blog for years. This article is particularly relevant and helpful for me right now. As someone going through a stark change and some pain currently, I can attest to the fact that reaching out to friends and family is extremely helpful. I also have learned to forgive myself, listen to my needs, and be my own best friend. Thanks Lori, for your continuously amazing work.

  • Lori, these are all so great and spot on. It’s very much like the self-compassion practices I’ve been studying – especially about treating yourself like you would your best friend.

    But the one that stood out for me here was your first suggestion to set aside time to give myself credit for what I’ve done well that day. Too often I find myself totaling up all the things I did wrong or that I didn’t get done. I am going to be more aware now of recognizing the positive things I’ve accomplished or just allowed to be each day.

    Great post, Lori! Will be sharing for sure!

  • lv2terp

    Lori, these tips are wonderful and extremely beneficial, thank you for this post!!!!!!!! 🙂 I appreciate you and your website so very much!

  • Joice

    Today, a person I admire so much who is retiring gave a speech. He quoted one of his own poems in which he says (more or less) that “as time passes, the need of being recognized by other people gives place to the need of being recognized by himself in the things that he does”. When we approve of ourselves, the outside recognition comes naturally. Thanks for another lovely post, Lori. 🙂

  • Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing this today! I have been on my way to this point of self-gratitude, appreciation, self-care and self-love, and this post clarifies and enhances, gives more structure and direction what I am already doing; yay confirmation 😀 TY! <3

  • Jeanine Nicole

    I love this post, Lori. I can relate to all the methods of external validation you cited,and am going to aim to incorporate the internal cheerleaders you suggested! Thanks for this amazing insight and for sharing your wisdom 🙂

  • “I have a right to feel how I feel.”

    I’ve always had a problem with that. Even now, I am working to feel free of the need to work. To simply “be”. There’s always this feeling within that deprives me of the joy of having gotten here and not needing to be elsewhere. I suppose it comes from a life of struggle and never having “enough”, no matter what the objective was.

    Besides, I really DO want to be elsewhere.

    I’ve turned my hours upside down and indulged in nonactivity that would have at one time driven me off the deep end. I am trying to adopt Lao Tzu’s “Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.” Try that with a deadline mentality and you’ve got a built-in conflict ready to wage war with the sensibilities.

    I don’t have a support system, other than my dialogue with other bloggers and long-time distant “social” friends. I don’t divulge. I’m still gun-shy from my last close encounters. I am open, vulnerable and ready for interaction yet…yet…I feel this is my big chance to plumb the final depths of myself and extract from the shadows the last culprits of sabotage. To do it on my own, to be entirely authentic with myself.

    “Get in the habit of ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now?'”

    Yes. Yes. I have been doing just that. This is the precise thought I render unto myself each day. I have the practical answer, as well: “Nothing at all”. I want, really want, to feel at ease, accomplished. But the wants start piling in, unwanted, the moment I open the door to that first want. It is one thing to have defined a higher purpose; it is another to rest assured that the foundation will support the building to come. I “need” to know I am rock-solid before I take off on another flight of “wants”. The needs of a tree are for roots so deep they push the branches ever farther toward the sky.

    Thank you, Lori, for another spark.

  • Thanks so much Mike. I appreciate the kind words! I’m glad to know you enjoy the emails. =)

  • Thanks David! That sounds like an empowering affirmation–simple but powerful!

  • You’re most welcome. That’s a great idea, about recognizing and celebrating your steps as you take them. I will add that to my self-validation list as well. =)

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad this was helpful to you. Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s nice to connect with you. =)

  • I thought about that as I was writing it Bobbi–that self-compassion and self-validation are two sides of the same coin. I’ve done the same thing, about totaling all the things I think I’ve done wrong. I can definitely notice a big difference when I consciously total up the things I feel proud of instead!

  • You’re most welcome–and thank you so much!

  • You’re most welcome. Sounds like it was an empowering speech! Thank you for sharing his quote. =)

  • You’re most welcome Aurora! I’m glad this came at a good time for you. =)

  • You’re most welcome! Incidentally, your posts have really inspired me. I love knowing that mine was helpful to you as well!

  • You’re most welcome Mark. I can relate to what you wrote. I sometimes wonder when it will stop feeling so instinctive to strive; and then I wonder if that’s really what I’d want. What would life be without the feeling of growing, expanding, and reaching toward something in the future? But I guess the question is: What does it look and feel like to do that while being fully present in the now?

  • #4 isn’t weird at all. I talk to my inner child especially when I’m feeling bad. I give her hugs and tell her I love her and it’s ok. I also write myself letters as if I was writing to a friend. The friend being myself. I put uplifting messages and advice.

  • That’s wonderful! I love the idea of writing yourself letters. =)

  • None of us really knows what it looks like. I wish I did, but that would take the edge away. I lapsed into complacency for a decade, feeling I had arrived. Misfortune struck and one incident after another resulted in my having lost everything. I feel it’s crucial to maintain that edge, to expect change and, if it doesn’t happen, to make it happen. May as well face the inevitable on my terms.

    Getting off one’s laurels and drawing first blood from something new may not be a comfortable view of a warm and fuzzy future. That future will come, though, and maintaining an edge is the only way to cut through it cleanly without having dead weight to drag through the oncoming currents of change. I feel adopting this attitude creates a sense of ease in the long run. One goes from apprehension to a sort of subtle expectation of an oncoming shift.

    Again, it’s Anais Nin’s “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

  • I have been teetering around these ideas over this past year, actually. I love what I do here, but I’ve been looking to push myself for something new. I think it’s a natural instinct to live as if we’re becoming–even while we’re learning to just be. It’s a tricky line to walk, but I think both are crucial to feeling truly alive.

  • This is great 🙂 especially because it’s succinct 😉 I don’t have a gratitude journal; maybe it’s time to start one.

  • Thank you for this post, Lori. It really resonates with me where I am in my life right now. My entire life it has been hard to avoid “feeling bad about feeling bad.” I am learning ways to keep my spirits up on my own, but need to recognize it’s okay and I am a good person no matter what I’m feeling. Thanks for being a place I enjoy learning from day after day 🙂

  • I’m glad you found it helpful Pennie!

  • You’re most welcome Kristin! That’s been a lifelong challenge for me as well. “I am a good person and I don’t deserve to feel bad” is such a simple affirmation, but I find it so empowering and helpful.

  • Simona

    I just love you Lori. Especially for this post. <3

  • Thank you so much Simona! =)

  • Emily

    I stumbled upon this post after my husband had been asking me why I needed outside validation so much. I’ve always known that I had a self-esteem issue from when I was younger (critical mother, teasing at school, etc.). I never really thought that as an adult the reason for my self esteem being low is that I don’t validate things for myself until what my husband said really resonated. I fell in love with him because of this wonderful confidence that he has no matter what he does or who his is with and I’d always wanted to be more like him. So, tonight, after thinking about his comment and reading your post, I’ve realized that I can’t base my self-esteem on how others judge me and my actions. I need to grow up and do this for myself and I’ll use these tools as a starting point to get me there! Thank you so much!

  • You’re most welcome Emily! I was attracted to my boyfriend largely for that same reason. He doesn’t let other people’s opinions sway his confidence or belief in himself. For me, it’s taken time and effort, and I’m still a work in progress. I’m glad to know these suggestions will help you as you move forward!

  • Katherine

    Thank you for such a wonderful post.

  • You’re most welcome!

  • Drummergirl

    Hello; glad that I stumbled upon your website today. At over 50, I am finally on a quest to begin to value myself. I am so critical of myself, self talk is toxic and I had a flash of that a few days ago. Thinking I’m all powerful and all knowing about myself and ‘who’ I am…but I am not. I continuously measure myself against others and my life situation against theirs, I judge myself as I imagine that they are judging me. I think that this has come about by a child I have who is severly addicted; so much of his addiction and suffering I take on guilt for because I’m his mom and never wished him to suffer as he chooses to (classic co-dependent, another issue that I must deal with). I raise his daughter, now 5, and my wish for her is to be a strong, smart, bold woman who values herself and takes care of herself. I need to live that life, she is mirroring me already so I need to be that person who values myself and treats myself well.

  • Hi Drummergirl~

    Welcome to Tiny Buddha. I think it’s great that you’re trying to make these positive changes for yourself and also for your granddaughter. She–and your son–are fortunate to have someone in their life who cares as you do. =)

    I know how instinctive self-criticism can be. Have you ever listened to guided meditations? You can find a ton on YouTube with positive affirmations that will help you change your inner voice to be kinder. These have helped me a great deal.

    Sending good thoughts your way,

  • chickadeevic

    I absolutely love this site! I found it because I was doing some work for one of my psych class and your thoughts so closely match my own that it felt natural to read. (Though I usually phrase it a little differently. I say “They call it ‘self-esteem’ for a reason. You have to be willing to do at least half the work. Opportunity knocks, but you still have to get your ass off the couch and be willing to answer the door.” Love it, I’ll come back to this site over and over!

  • Dena

    Hi there. I enjoyed reading the original post and subsequent commentaries. As I am approaching 40, the notion of realizing my own value is new and a struggle; decades of self-criticism and societal brain washing can truly be detrimental to the female psyche, no matter how accomplished and/or beautiful she may be. From the post, the idea that is lingering with me is …showing myself compassion. I always do this with others but never with myself. Realizing such, I will make an effort to direct a warm compassion…inward. I deserve that as much as anyone else.

  • I’m glad you enjoyed this Dena! Like you, I also find it easier to offer compassion to the people I love.

    This may sound a little odd, but I sometimes add the word “sister” to my self talk, because that’s what I call my sister–and I am always loving, kind, and understanding with her, especially when she’s hurting. Seeing myself as her helps me a great deal when I’m tempted to get down on myself because I love her unconditionally and would never be mean to her.

    Like you, I now know I deserve warm compassion too!

  • Naman

    Thanks for this post Lori. Your site is really a refreshment and an avalanche of much needed positivity 🙂

  • You’re most welcome. I appreciate the positive feedback! =)

  • Ben


    I firstly must say that reading your articles especially have been so so close to how i feel about my self. i have buried my feelings for most of my life. avoided reality, avoided letting people close to me and it has built up and i am only just starting to reveal myself to myself and to my friends after breaking up with my girlfriend of 5 years. we didnt talk about the future and whilst we still love each other, we just made each other sad.

    this site has just provided me with the positivity to be able to stay afloat. even if its just whilst i read the articles, sometimes in other parts of my life, i remember fractions of what has been said in them and im able to slightly adjust my way of thinking.

    i have been having counselling as well and trying to figure out my complex nature which includes perfectionism, always putting myself down, a lack of self worth, lack of belief in myself and a basic misunderstanding of how to feel emotions without hijacking them with anxiety and fear.

    thankyou for this site. it is one of my shining lights.

  • I’m glad my articles have been helpful to you, Ben! It sounds like you and I have a lot in common, as I’ve struggled with all those same things. It means the world to me to know that Tiny Buddha has been a shining light for you, so thank you for taking the time to write and share a little of yourself. =)

  • suwarna

    Hi Lori, this is wonderful post, i was just going through the google and found this post useful, because some thing i was finding , and i got here. I think self concioudness and being a good friend of self is more important, because everything start with self, if we don’t value our feeling, no one will value your feeling. If the inner world is happy , outer is always happy. so to support self is the first step to follow our own walk to look ahead and stand firmly.

    Thanks a lot dear..:)

  • You’re most welcome. I absolutely agree–it all starts with valuing ourselves. Glad this was helpful to you!


    I really need to work on this and learning that if I do something for others not expecting even a little back…. As someone once said to me don’t give away my power….. I can’t help it though I wear my heart on my sleeve…. :/


    Fed up of people letting me down and using me…. I don’t do things for people hoping or expecting I will receive something back…. I just ask for compassion and sensitivity towards how I feel 🙁

  • Vinay Babu


  • Anthony
  • Nadine

    I kept telling myself that my feelings weren’t logical. That I shouldn’t feel bad for something someone did by accident. But the harder I tried to push my feelings down, the worse I felt. I tried to think about why I felt so bad in the first place and I realized it’s because so much of my self esteem relies on others. I’m constantly seeking approval and validation and love from others when I should be looking for that from myself. So if anyone ever criticizes me, my self esteem drops when it shouldn’t. I’m going to try to follow some of these great suggestions. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one and that I can empower myself.

  • Caitlin

    I stumbled upon your article after doing some internal reflection and googling 🙂 It was beautifully written and gave me wonderful solutions to start validating myself instead of using others! Thank you!

  • Thanks so much, and you’re most welcome!

  • Faith

    It literally brought me to tears to read this. I had a traumatic childhood and it has scarred me in alot of ways. I am eight months pregnant and engaged to a man who when we first got together, was extremely empowering with his sweet and encouraging words. It has almost been two years we’ve been together and his continuous flow of encouragement and empowering compliments have long since dwindled to almost nothing. And even when I try to lift my own spirits and make myself feel pretty, wearing a nice dress and attempting to redeem that feeling of normalcy, I found myself still desperately waiting for him to notice and assure me that I can still be beautiful and sexy to him and depressing myself when he said nothing of the sort. I realized shortly after that I have to somehow be able to validate myself as beautiful without relying on words from him that I no longer receive, and find a way to embody that without hesitation and second guessing. He expresses his need for me to initiate intimacy, but my growing belly and normal insecurities keep me from finding the confidence I need. I know I need to love myself in some way to be able to find this confidence but it’s hard.

  • karthik

    Hi Lori,
    I read this post and also other posts written by you. They have helped me a lot in developing compassion towards me and others. Your posts definitely have a great role in my personal growth. Thank you so much

  • You’re most welcome. I’m glad they’ve helped. =)

  • tipis

    thanks Lori. This was very inspiring.

  • You’re most welcome!

  • Anonymous

    I love this, I’m going to try this daily. Thank you

  • You’re most welcome. =)

  • Ali Clark

    Thank you so much.
    I was widowed suddenly 2 years ago at the age of 37 and in the midst of my teacher training. I barely took any time off and threw myself back into training and work.
    Fast forward to this January and both mine and my teenage dons mental health have suffered due to my focus on work and seeking validation from others.
    I am currently not working and taking time to try and look after both of us more, not an easy thing as I am diagnosed with PTSD and my son has severe anxiety and depression.
    I have realised that I am struggling with my new life because I am no longer getting validation from others due to work. It’s going to be an interesting and challenging journey to change my mindset but I am determined to do it.
    Thank you again do much. X x x

  • Thank you for the post, Lori. For many years my life was characterized by a deep feeling and belief centred around shame. There was always this inner pressure that I needed to do and say the “right” thing in order to be accepted by God and others. It often felt like a very dark place.
    However, life has a wonderful way of being a gentle interventionist if we have ears to listen and eyes to see. Over the last several years I have learned a great deal, often through the presence of my three kids – they are a beautiful gift. Thank you again for sharing your story.

  • You’re most welcome, Ali. I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your husband, and at such a young age. Your son is fortunate to have a mother who is self-aware and doing this kind of inner work. I’m sure your example will help him heal and find peace, as well.

  • Hi Carl,

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad to hear you’ve turned a corner, and that you have three beautiful children to love, teach, and learn from. =)


  • Bella listens

    Lori, this is brilliant advice. I love its simplicity but very appropriate and doable nature. Gives the reader the feeling like it can definitely be done.
    Wishing you the very best on your journey.

  • stevienix

    I loved this thanks so much! I am a people pleaser by nature and this just resonated with the path I am on to take care of me.! I picture it this way, there is none other I would have on my side, than me. I know what kind of friend I am and I am that to myself. I picture me talking to the hurt little girl inside me and whispering, Don’t worry sweetie I got your back. And talk about empowering, especially if you have come to the point of really knowing your own worth and who you are as a person .& My kids see me— and in that I see myself.

  • Katie Bunn

    I had a very abusive relationship end in a very public way last year on my birthday! I have always been self-assured and confident, but something about this one event has caused me to crumble. In the past year, I have let myself go, self-medicating, eating unhealthy, lack of motivation to do anything, always crying and feeling lonely suffering in silence, drinking, drugs, you name it. I allowed this to affect my health, my job and my other relationships. I started to become paranoid with all my relationships and constantly seek validation from friends and family. This sounds very trivial just typing it all out, but it has just been downhill from there. I started losing the respect of many who looked up to me. Weak and broken, the only thing I had to look forward to was when this life would finally end. At the age of 30, single and at the lowest of lows, something needed to change.

    Thank you for sharing this brilliant article. I have been working on loving myself and accepting that there are things outside my realm of control that I should learn to never stress about. That what other people think about me doesn’t define who I am and just because there is ONE bad person that did bad things to me, not every person I encounter will be the same. I am optimistic that things will get better. I am empowered by my past and not remorseful. The most important thing is that I recognized that I have a journey, and it’s not to waste away, waiting to die. It’s to touch other people’s lives and offer support, love and strength to the many people who go through struggles everyday. I can’t offer strength if I am not strong myself. I can’t provide wisdom if my thoughts are saturated with negativity and I can’t offer love if I am unable to love myself.

    Sorry for the essay, but I really believe that if EVERY single person in this world loved themselves a lot more, it would be a very happy place to live and it would resonate to the way others treat you. My previous relationship taught me what it looks like for someone who doesn’t love or respect themselves, devalue and degrade someone else to make themselves feel better about themselves. My downhill landslide taught me what it looked like to lose focus and my uphill battle taught me how resilient us humans really can be.

    To sum it up:

    It’s never about how or why you fall/fail, it’s how you get back up and dust yourself off that matters and it doesn’t matter how long it takes you to finish the race, as long as you get to that finish line.

  • Tracie Holladay

    “If I make a fool of myself, who cares? I’m not frightened by anyone’s perception of me.” – Angelina Jolie
    Now there is a self-validated woman. She’s not afraid to go out there and get in front of cameras and make a complete fool of herself and have it be seen by millions. She just does her thing and moves on. I love that.

  • Very sweet. Wonderfully stated and just right. So rare to read something this compassionate and wise

  • I’m glad this was helpful to you! =)

  • Hi Faith,

    Sorry for this is an incredibly delayed response. (I somehow missed this comment before.) Congrats on your pregnancy – and at this point, the new addition to your family!

    I don’t have any children, but as someone who’s struggled with body image issues (and also had a traumatic childhood), I can understand how going through such physical changes could undermine your confidence. And I’m sure the hormonal changes don’t help.

    I hope you’re enjoying motherhood and feeling better about yourself.

    Sending good thoughts your way…


  • Hi Bella,

    Sorry for my incredibly delayed response (I somehow missed this before), and thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed this – and I wish you the best on your journey as well!


  • Heston

    That’s a cool idea to talk to your younger version self. Especially helpful to people who didn’t receive what they needed as children

  • Ivan Schneider

    Self-validation leads to arrogance and an over-inflated ego.

  • Catherine

    Hun, I think part of this beautifully written article is that, that compassion and sensitivity really needs to come from ourselves to ourselves. So, that inner voice we have, fill it with compassion towards yourself almost as that parent-child example. Give yourself the compassion and sensitivity you need. If a situation happens and you start to feel sadness, that is when your inner kind voice will tell you first that you are going to be okay, and secondly, validation. “That situation made you feel upset, what was about it that made you feel that way?” “I am here to listen and comfort you” And honestly, that is the beginnings of how we become best friends with ourselves, because when we literally allow that inner kind voice to coach and help us through sad times, that is how we begin to become best friends with ourselves, and appreciate and love ourselves for who we are. The beautiful person we are.
    Best wishes and hugs to you my dear friend <3 Blessings to you <3 <3

  • Catherine

    Actually it doesn’t bud. It leads to self-acceptance, self-love, and self-appreciation. Three aspects that if we don’t have in ourselves, we will have a hard time giving it to others, which will actually end up in us being harsh, critical and not always fair with others because we are not being fully fair and kind with ourselves which is so important. Blessings to you bud <3 Hope this makes sense. And feel free to comment further if it is still confusing for ya. <3

  • Ivan Schneider

    Only fags love themselves.

  • Ivan Schneider

    Yes, it does, and only faggots love themselves.

  • Ivan Schneider

    Self-love is for dirty faggots.

  • Ivan Schneider

    Yes, it does, and only faggots love themselves.

  • Mikias

    Hi Lori. I just wanted to thank you for this amazing post. I looked at #4 on your list and tried it. I feel like for the first time i am able to love myself. I felt that instantly after i started. You see, from when i was seven up until i was 11 years old (Now i’m 20), was in incredibly difficult time for me. i was wronged so many times by authority figures, mean people and parents in my life. I was emotionally and physically abused. I had to witness my brother and sister experiencing the same. I cried a lot and cursed my life wanted to end my life. There was also a lack of affection and interest in my well being from my mother. The abuse wasn’t as bad as others i’ve read about, and my parents were many times nice(the only thing they were unfortunately) but it was more than enough in affecting me for a very long time. What i did after i read #4 on your post is i imagined my younger self and the me now together in the situations i was wronged in. I wiped the tears from his face when he was crying and told him he had done nothing wrong. i gave him a hug and i held his hand just like a parent would. When he witnessed unhealthy expressions of anger i explained to him “that which you’re seeing is not a healthy and good way to do things.” When he had made a mistake i showed him forgiveness and calmly explained why he shouldn’t do it. I showed him the love his parents didn’t show. And then i would leave when he felt a lot better. Simply put i became the parent i never had and provided those things i needed to myself. I visualized all these things clearly And now i feel better than ever, i actually feel like i can forgive those people and move on with my life. I Normally crave and miss affection a lot because i never really got it, but now i feel like that painful need is mostly gone. Doing the things i did helped immensely to heal myself. Thanks a lot Lori, you changed my life 🙂

  • You’re most welcome, Mikias. My heart broke when I read about the abuse you endured. I’m so happy to know this helped you heal and find peace!

  • Manal Khan

    I play three important roles in the life of my inner child:

    1) An elder sister – who has sworn that she will not get ever get married so that the unconditional love, attention and affection she needs doesn’t get compromised + divided with someone else.

    2) A therapist who is always ready with a pen and a paper to prepare some concept-mapping / flow chart to be able to depict the emotions / feelings she is experiencing.

    3) A loving and compassionate mother who will always stick by and be there to calm her anxiety when she is experiencing an immense panic attacks.

    A useful tip that I found in terms of seeking validation from myself is to cultivate the qualities and essence of personalities which I feel drawn towards / an affinity towards within myself – so I experience that same warm, fuzzy feeling when I give myself compliments and validation – as I would if I told that person about my problems or my reactions to certain experiences / behaviors.

  • Mersaul4

    I find the closing paragraph brilliant, as it describes the vicious circle, why we
    are stuck… paradoxically, to have a chance to stop feeling bad, we have to
    accept feeling bad.

  • Noah brandini

    I think the most important part is to learn to stop looking for exterior validation because you can’t base your self-esteem on how others judge you. You need to feel confident about who you are as a person.

  • TinyVox

    I’m going to do an experiment. I’m going to start doing my personal journalling in the “you” format instead of the “I” format. I’ll give you an example by revising this very text in such a way, and I’ll be able to tell immediately that this is a clever little thought experiment.

    You’re going to do an experiment. You’re going to start doing your personal journalling in the “you” format instead of the “I” format. You’ll give yourself an example by rewriting this very text in such a way, and you’ll be able to tell immediately that this is a clever little thought experiment.