9 Tips for Anyone Who Dates Emotionally Unavailable People

Emotionally Unavailable

“When someone tells you who they are, believe them.” ~Maya Angelou

After having been a rebound girl the summer of 2013, I swore I would never get involved with another emotionally unavailable man who had baggage and was a poor communicator.

I thought I was a pro at all of the tell tale signs. Until I met X in 2015.

He came on very strong in the beginning, telling me he deleted his dating app after our first date, that he turned down other dates because he didn’t want to waste time with other girls, and showed me in more ways than one that I was his priority.

Things were too good to be true.

Things were at the height of our relationship, and I use this word loosely because it really wasn’t a relationship.

After a heavy night of drinking he confessed that he was scared to get into another relationship because he associates them with pain and feeling trapped. He admitted that he puts up walls, shuts down, and he just couldn’t bear to go through another break-up again.

We hadn’t even made it official and he was talking about breaking up. He told me he didn’t want to lose me, nor did he want his baggage to ruin what we had. He would give this a try.

This lasted for all of about twenty-four hours when he ended it. Poof. Gone.

Sucker punch to the gut.

How can someone do a 180 overnight? It dawned on me that he probably had one foot out the door the entire time. Why did I, yet again, get ahead of myself and trust someone that I barely knew?

When I saw him on a dating site six weeks after the split (after him telling me earlier that he didn’t want to see other people; he just wasn’t ready for a relationship), I panicked.

I confronted him about it and he took no accountability for ending things the way he did. He has convinced himself that he is being honest with me. He became hostile and angry that I contacted him.

I came to realize he will find another awesome girl and do the same thing to her to fill his void of being alone

Lather. Rinse. Repeat

I sent myself in to a six-week black hole, and I will never get those six weeks back. I always thought of myself as someone who had high self-esteem, but I began questioning why I was upset over someone who shut me out so intensely and quickly.

Why was I upset about someone whose opinion of me, quite frankly, doesn’t matter? The people whose opinions matter are the ones who have actually stood by me through thick and thin.

Here’s what I learned through my pain:

1. Don’t put someone on a pedestal.

They are not perfect and you will always be disappointed if you continue to do so.

2. Take time to get to know someone before jumping to conclusions about your future.

It’s through tough times when you get to know someone the most, not when things are good.

3. Trust your gut instincts.

Even if he or she seems to be doing everything “right,” sometimes you need to trust your gut and use your head.

4. You will be okay.

I have gone through this before, and I will go through heartache again. Each time I pick up the pieces of my broken heart I learn a little bit more about who I am, what I deserve, and what I am capable of giving someone. I can rest my head each night knowing I stayed true to myself, and you can too.

5. You can’t fix anyone.

I have learned this many times, the hard way. Trying to fix someone else chips away at your soul. Worry about yourself and let them figure themselves out when they are ready.

6. Just because a romantic relationship failed, that doesn’t mean you are a failure.

I look at the many healthy relationships I have in my life with friends, family, and coworkers, who choose to be in my life and are always there for me. I don’t want to be in anyone’s life that doesn’t want me in it.

7. Don’t apologize for having feelings.

I truly believe being able to express emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness. Anyone who is incapable of accepting or reciprocating feelings is missing out on one of the most rewarding gifts in life.

8. Don’t ignore red flags.

Looking back, I saw the flags and never raised questions because my heart was in too deep. I would have saved myself a lot of time if I had the confidence to speak up.

9. Be upfront early on about what you want.

If the other person is intimidated or scared and runs away, better early on then months or years down the road. Don’t assume they feel the same way as you do.

I have so much to offer, and you do too. But some people just aren’t open to receiving it. So long as we’re willing to acknowledge that and move on, we’ll find the love we’re looking for.

Couple fighting image via Shutterstock

About Brianna Blake

Brianna lives in NYC and prides herself on trying to live a healthy lifestyle inside and out. She has a corporate job by day and stays busy travelling the world, crafting, and staying active.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!
  • neethu nath

    a very good article.. im also going through same situation..

  • Suzan

    I loved this article. Since entering my twenties I’ve only seemed to attract the emotionally unavailable men but this latest one happens to be a co-worker. Not sure how to let this one go…

  • I have to share valuable! internet freelancing opportunity… 3-5 h of work /day… Payment each week… Bonuses…Payment of 6-9 thousand bucks /month… Merely few hours of your free time, a computer, basic understanding of internet and trusted internet connection needed…Have a visit to my disqus~~page for more info

  • Alisa

    Fantastic read, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  • Anne

    Dating or being on any other terms other than friendship with a co-worker is just a recipe for distaste if things go sour. Hugs to you! You are stronger than you know. It doesn’t help to see the person who you are trying so hard to forget.

  • Anne

    This is one of the most amazing articles i’ve read on dating emotionally unavailable people. I love all of your advice/knowledge. Thank you. I’m lonely sometimes, but it’s better than being lonely in a relationship. I’m taking my time and getting to know others before jumping to conclusions, or getting ahead of my feelings too fast.

  • Kelly Smith

    Perfect. So me, and so needed to read this. You’re so right, I read these shouting YES YES YES after each point 🙂

  • I need to show &excellent online freelancing opportunity… 3 to 5 h of work /a day… Weekly paycheck… Extra bonus for job well done…Earnings of $6k-$9k /for month… Just few h of spare time, a pc, elementary knowledge of internet and dependable internet-connection needed…Click on my disqus~~~~page to learn more

  • Danielle Pucillo

    I had to suffer through this a few months ago. I have a tendency to be attracted to brooding, emotionally unavailabled

  • Danielle Pucillo

    I had to deal with this a few months ago. I was (sort of ) dating someone who initially seemed serious and wanted to try having a real relationship, but eventually it all turned into a mess of mixed signals. He admitted that he had been hurt before and had trust issues, but that didn’t stop him from mistreating me in turn.

    It’s important to remember that damaged men or women who claim to be victims can just as easily make you the victim and abuse you for the sake of their self esteem. They WILL hurt you in order to protect themselves. Be with someone who doesn’t make it so that you have to try so hard. Relationships shouldn’t be stressful or challenging. This is something I’m glad I’ve learned fairly early on.

  • Bri B

    Thank you for that compliment. I’m glad you could find some solace in it. I whole heartedly agree, better to be single than with someone who makes you feel lonely!

  • Bri B

    Thank you!!

  • Bri B

    Thanks! I think I could have listed 50 tips but will settle for 9 =)

  • Bri B

    I completely agree, and I am glad you are strong enough to realize this. Hurt people hurt people. It’s not right but sometimes it’s their coping mechanism. It’s never an excuse to hurt someone just because you have been hurt. Thanks for sharing!

  • Bri B

    tip 4- you will be ok =)

  • Maria Choco Suarez

    Wow this came to me right on time. Thank you so much.

  • Sue

    Great article, and very positive, and helps me see how to deal with these situations, thankyou 🙂

  • Alison

    please can we have the other 41 next week? 🙂 this is just perfect for me at the moment x

  • LaTrice Dowe

    This is a really good article that provides excellent tips on how to handle emotionally unavailable people. I feel it’s important to be supportive of each other, through the good times and the bad times. If one person can’t be emotionally available, there’s no need to continue the relationship.

    Thank you Brianna, for sharing your experience.

  • Here is a%method how it is possible to make 65 bucks each hour… After searching for a job that suits me for six months , I started making cash over this internet site and now I possibly could not be more satisfied. After 3 months doing this my income is around five thousand dollarsper month -Check internet website i use on MY-DISQUS-PROFILE-PAGE

  • There is a method @ how it is possible to get sixty-five dollars an hour… After searching for a job that suits me for 6 months , I started earning over this web-site and now I could not be more happy . 3 months have passed since being on my new job and my income is around five thousand dollars/month -Check web-site i use on MY-DISQUS-PROFILE-PAGE

  • MariA

    Just perfect and so spot on. My only issue now is to internalize it all and act on it. Meaning, intellectually it all makes sense and is so right but my head and heart don’t always see eye to eye … right now I’m dwelling on how much he hurt And misled me and how unfair it feels that he has moved on to a new woman and a happy relationship and I’m still alone, sad and feeling rejected. I should feel happy he’s her problem now not mine but I can’t seem to get there. Any advice?

  • Here is a (method how it is possible to make 65 bucks each hour… After searching for a job that suits me for six months , I started making cash over this internet site and now I possibly could not be more satisfied. After 3 months doing this my income is around five thousand dollarsper month -Check internet website i use on MY-DISQUS-PROFILE-PAGE

  • There is a method how you can make sixty-five dollars every hour… After being without work for 6 months , I started freelancing over this site and now I could not be more happy . After 3 months doing this my income is around five thousand bucksmonth -Check link on MY-PROFILE-PAGE for more info

  • Trevor

    I appreciated your article. I thought I’d met “the one” this spring. It was one of the best relationships I’ve ever had. I knew going in that she’d come out of a serious relationship last fall and may not have been “ready” but we hit it off so perfectly on every level. In the end similar to your story in ended almost overnight. I was devastated and the hardest part was having no answers and not being able to understand. “Your my perfect match, I love you but I’m not just not ready for a relationship”. Hardly a firm it’s over statement. I thought it meant she needed time, but after a month a contacting her a couple more times I also got a hostile reply. It hurt, but it left no room for ambiguity.

    I’ll never get the closure I’d have wanted, and have felt like there was something wrong with me, so I really really appreciate your story and the advice you’ve given. There were warning flags all the way through, I just sometimes have hard time seeing what I want to see – ‘We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.’

  • Shanker

    Hi Brianna,

    Thanks for your nice article. I believe that we repeat failures probably because we are desperate. Desperate for love/acceptance that we just go after the mirage with hope against hope.
    Thanks for sharing. You said it well that ‘We can’t fix anyone’. If we ever believe that in any relationship, it is time we fix ourselves first! Enduring the pain of being lonely/potential deprivation, is an essential habit throughout our life.

  • Chris

    I just got dumped by my coworker ( boss ) ! We were perfect together but she was emotionally unavailable and afraid of her job. I will tell you that it’s 2 weeks into the breakup and I am a complete mess ! It’s very hard when you see them everyday and watch them laughing and enjoying themselves. Buckle up ! It’s gonna be a long ride and not a fun one . If you need to talk

  • Check out a great +way how you can earn a lot of extra $ by finishing basic jobs online from home for few hrs /daily VISIT MY-DISQUS-PROFILE to find out more

  • Chris Morgan

    I actually stumbled across this site by accident and have read many wonderful and helpful things.
    This though as made me feel so much happier. I recently came out of a “relationship” which has hurt me and put my positives back by miles. I’m natrually a happy person which makes it harder.

    I should have discussed and read the signs “most relationships don’t last more than 6 weeks” being the main one, but I was happy it worked and I thought I’ll make her see. 4 weeks in I got the heave ho partly beacuse I made a couple of silly choices on taking phones calls from the ex girlfriend (who I did warn new person was a close friend of 16 years) but found out recently that it all became a bit too much for her as it became s relationship too quickly without the dating. Wish she had spoken and said something, but she didn’t.. She had one foot out the door all along. It hurt and still hurts. I feel used and made a fool of.. Guess what a week or so later, new bloke she is seeing.. I’ll be curious too see how long it lasts!!

  • Chris

    I actually stumbled across this site by accident and have read many wonderful and helpful things.
    This though as made me feel so much happier. I recently came out of a “relationship” which has hurt me and put my positives back by miles. I’m natrually a happy person which makes it harder.

    I should have discussed and read the signs “most relationships don’t last more than 6 weeks” being the main one, but I was happy it worked and I thought I’ll make her see. 4 weeks in I got the heave ho partly beacuse I made a couple of silly choices on taking phones calls from the ex girlfriend (who I did warn new person was a close friend of 16 years) but found out recently that it all became a bit too much for her as it became s relationship too quickly without the dating. Wish she had spoken and said something, but she didn’t.. She had one foot out the door all along. It hurt and still hurts. I feel used and made a fool of.. Guess what a week or so later, new bloke she is seeing.. I’ll be curious too see how long it lasts!!

    I have learnt new things today so for that I’m grateful!

  • YEN

    A smile can hide sadness

  • Chris

    Yeah, I can tell she’s miserable but doesn’t make an attempt to fix it, so there is nothing I can do for her.

  • Lori Matteson Thompson

    I know friends and clients who are in this exact relationship. I love your honesty. Thank you for this blog. You have some very good tips. I am a certified professional coach and help empower people in these situations. I love that you came out of the relationship better and learned from the experience. Way to go!! Awesome!

  • Marianne Lekcharoen

    Thank you for this one, Brianna! It lifts my spirit especially now when I am starting all over again. Of course, without the mistakes! More power!

  • Lucy Rowett

    This is like my life story! I am slowly breaking the addiction of dating unavailable men, but it is so hard. I will remember to trust my gut instinct more, and make sure I am clear from the beginning. We can only learn!

  • Gigi

    This recently happened to me. Chased me, bombed me with texts day and night, was kind and loving. After a few months he said I love you, and then backed off. I gave him space and didn’t text him (we were LD), and made sure to be kind when I heard from him every few days. But he stopped asking about my life and claimed to be busy. I had strong clues he was with other women, so when I confronted him he flew into a rage and has been ignoring me.

    I don’t understand how he went from being so loving, calling me his and asking me how I was doing and talking about our future to a text every 5 days saying “I miss you”.

    I was nothing but kind to him. I don’t get it.

  • Shachi

    Articles on Tiny Buddha always serve the best for healing in all the circumstances in my life.All thanks to the excellent writers like you.Lately I am having a tough time moving on after my break up.But after reading your article it just makes me realize of what I haven’t lost and what all I have gain.But now that i have acknowledged that even if I had so much love to give to the person i was loving to be with , he was just not open to receive it ! and this makes me realize that he missed out on something amazing that was on his way.Never mind! I better know now what I want from life and I am sure I will find it one day.Thanks for writing such a wonderful article.Great job motivating souls.

  • Bri B

    Hi Maria, sorry for the late reply. I have struggled with that too. The head knows better but the heartache and physical pain the body endures is too much to bare. When I feel in that place of anger of all the ways I was wronged I try to tell myself that he was not my entire happiness. Perhaps you don’t need to act on anything. Internalize it and just let the thoughts comes and go. I find that resisting those thoughts can consume a lot of energy. Accept that you feel that way but you won’t feel like this forever =) Any of the misleading he did is something he has to live with.

  • Bri B

    I’m so sorry Trevor, my situation was very similar and thank you. Sometimes we see the flags and we aren’t sure if it’s really a flag or if that flag translates into some other aspects of their personality. I have a hard time knowing what to do with the flag. I can recognize them and see patterns but I’m learning how to speak up more. I’m sorry you didn’t get your answers. I didn’t get my answer either but the only thing that matters is that he didn’t want to be with me. In the end does it really make a difference? It sounds like you have a big heart and so much to offer someone. The right girl will love you. No Buts………..Keep strong =)

  • Bri B

    That is a great point. Looking for love and acceptance from within is the most important kind of love there is. I try to remind myself of this often instead of looking to others for confirmation.

  • Bri B

    Thank you Chris, I’m glad you could find some solace in my story. In my instance, I assumed he felt the same way I did and it seems like you did too. But I know now that I can and should be assertive in communicating. If there’s one thing I have done in many relationships, and failed miserably, is that trying to show them how good of a fit we are or how happy I am does not change anything.
    I’m sorry you are hurting but like the first quote in my story says “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”. If she didn’t believe relationships last more than 6 weeks, then you were doomed from the start and not given a fair shot. It sounds like she had preconceived ideas about r/s that had nothing to do with you.
    I know you feel used and embarrassed but you were all in and I commend that. Chin up my friend- Bri

  • Bri B

    Thank you Lori! I guess pain is universal =)

  • Bri B

    More power to you! It’s kind of nice to have a clean canvas right? So many possibilities!

  • Bri B

    Hi Lucy, I’m still working on this too and trying to be honest with myself about what the common denominator was in all of those relationships. It’s not pretty, but necessary.

  • Bri B

    Hi Gigi I’m sorry this guy just ghosted on you. You state that even when he backed off you were sure to be kind when you heard from him. Why is that? Maybe deep down if you confronted him as the strong woman that you are, he would leave? My situation was similar too. He was pretty obsessed with me and was also steering the whole relationship. He had all of the control and I let him. But I have the control back now and I know you will get yours back too =)
    I was nothing but kind to my ex too but maybe kind to a fault. Don’t stop being who you are because 1 person can’t appreciate it.

  • Gigi

    He came back a week later and called me a pet name and was fine. He hasn’t texted me in 2 weeks so I’ve backed off. Has he forgotten me? Will he be back? I’m so confused. I do love him and I know he has emotional issues.

  • Bri B

    Thank you so much visionary, I am so glad to hear that this resonated with you. Know that you are not alone in the pain that you are feeling. Recognizing that someone doesn’t have an open heart is a really hard pill to swallow and we sometimes look at ourselves and question what is wrong with us. Absolutely nothing! As many times as I will give my love and men do not want it, I will keep giving it and give it because it is who I am. You have such a great attitude and I know you will be healing a lot quicker than you think =)

  • Bri B

    It always boggles my mind how people can turn hot and cold and sweep things under the rug. You have your set of standards and him disappearing for days does not seem like something that is acceptable to you. If you tolerate his behavior it will only enable him to repeat this type of pattern.
    If he is willing to talk about the emotional issues that would be a great start, but from what you wrote it doesn’t seem like he is willing to talk about it. Remember that you have more power than you think.

  • Gigi

    I’m currently almost a week in to no contact. There’s a photo on his Instagram of him smiling-makes me think he’s happy and has forgotten me.

    He has opened up about his emotional problems in the past, but when I’ve asked why he disappears it’s always because he’s busy. He is as he’s traveling for work, but a text takes two seconds.

  • Bri B

    It’s hard when you have seen the good and know what he is capable of (i.e: being available).

    I always say that if something is important enough you will find a way. Otherwise you will find an excuse.

  • Michelle U.

    That is so very true feeling lonely when you’re in a relationship one of the most painful feeling I’ve ever had to work through in my life.

  • Julie

    I agree with you. I feel like I have confidence and good self esteem but after putting so much trust in him, I question everything about myself. He was so sweet when he was in but when he’s done, his excuses are supposed to be enough for me to just understand he’s done with me. For me, it’s heartache. For him, just another day. Ugh! I’m trying to shake it off but I believed he meant what he said.. He had me fooled.

  • Bri B

    Hi Julie, I’m sorry you have had the displeasure of crossing paths with someone like this. I think certain men have the ability to compartmentalize their feelings and they can try to convince themselves using their rational voice. What’s important is how you look at yourself, not how he looked at you. Don’t let him question who you KNOW you ARE. I know it’s easier said than done but you will be ok!!!!

  • Jennifer Patterson

    Hi. I am currently dating a very unemotionally available man. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years. We share everything (home, car, money, everything) and are practically married. I have a son from a previous relationship and they both share a wonderful relationship.
    About every couple of weeks we get into an argument, like a really really big one. Reason is he never responds to me. I talk and he doesn’t say anything. Sometimes he will literally just sit on the couch sulking for 2 days during this argument-I am not kidding. He doesn’t ever respond to my emotions, doesn’t tell me what he needs etc etc. Often after its been 12 hours of sulking and no communication, I am always the one to go to him and say something. From there he still won’t talk to me, he won’t even look at me, sometimes hell shake his head. This relationship is so emotionally draining. I am at my wits end. I have NO IDEA what to do. I cannot leave him as he is the main provider. My son is stable here, and I just finished redecorating his room for crap sake. I don’t know what to do. I have encouraged my bf for about 3 years to try and get some help. I always tell him that we need to figure this out. Usually after a severely drawn out and brutal 2 days of draining non communication hell come to me and say “Im sorry”. OMFG I can’t even tell you how tired i am of “I’m sorry”. Its like why in the hell can’t we have normal communication? Why can’t we have a report when were talking about feelings? I wish I could leave. I would leave him right now if I could. I am in desperate need of an emotionally available man. I so wish this crap was done. Im so tired, sad and scared. I hate it. Someone please help me.

  • Josh K

    Spot on in so many ways. As a man I think it was harder to spot this in a woman but it played out so similarly to yours. We dated for 7 months and nearly broke up twice, so she was definitely looking for the door. People like this see any sort of turbulence as a reason to hit eject. She told me early the following things “I have trouble opening up to people when sober, I am independent to a fault, I put up walls, I have troubles with vulnerability.” She had trust issues and a history of being treated poorly. So yes, when people tell you who they are, believe them. When she ended it (via email) she cited lack of connection/comfort level but said “I put this on me because I feel Im emotionally stunted.” It was almost harder because she was self aware enough to recognize it, but not enough to change it. She wouldnt let me in to her life past a certain point, so OF COURSE there wouldnt be a connection. And her longest relationship ever was 6 months so how would she know what the desired comfort level would even feel like? I got past this eventually but it can still crop up and sting once in awhile. All told, make sure someones views on relationships are based on self awareness and being thoughtful, not feeling like a victim, default setting or feeling like thats just who they are.

  • Lipstickandribbons

    This just happened to me I feel as if my chest is going to cave in on me. 3 days ago he was talking about our bright future and how he was looking forward to our getaway and today he broke it off, told me to cancel our reservations he is not ready for a commitment. I know its better that I know this now but I want to know what changed and why.

    Mostly I am mad at me-he was never going to be forever man, he smokes pot, lives like a 45 year old teenager, and the sex was awful but for some reason he gave me butterflies. We could talk about anything and everything..the worst thing is that he is going to receive a card I sent with his glasses he left in my car, that I wrote before he gutted me. I just feel so stupid

  • HappyK

    Lipstick- don’t feel stupid! Your 45 yo teenager sounds like the 40yo man I was just dating! We talked about a future, communicated amazingly, he was super charming. Though the sex was awful as well! I ignored red flags waving in the wind. I say good riddens you are worthy as am I of a man who is into you, treats you like the goddess like you are and where the sex is super hot! Onward and upward!

  • Lipstickandribbons

    Thank you so much. Back at ya babe….On-wards and upwards for us for sure.

  • Tolerant

    “trying to show them how good of a fit we are or how happy I am does not change anything.”. SPOT on, This is me as well. I tried so hard to make her see how good we are and the potential we have. It does NOT work.
    I’m in the process of trying to heal right now. It has been very hard but articles like this make me feel like i am not alone. Thank you.

  • sol

    With all honesty, your article helped me save my sanity. I thought I have lost my mind. This was validating as it is exactly what happened to me. Thank you so much for writing this so I can see it and understand what is was.

  • sol

    He insisted on leaving me by hurting me even though we discussed this many times. He chose to abandon. And when it was good he was relating to the experience not the person on the other side – me. I did feel very lonely and insecure about myself when he was in my life. God bless him for leaving me. Thank you once again.

  • Tamara Jones


  • Bri B

    Hi Sol I’m glad this resonated with you. I think when people (even strangers) can share similar experiences and pain it is therapeutic. I’m glad you are in better spirits!!

  • Bri B

    It’s like I always say, anything that starts off fast ends just as fast! I’m glad you could relate!!!!

  • Bri B

    Sorry for the late reply! I hope you are in better spirits by this time!!! Well you said it best in the last paragraph. You knew the destiny and saw the signs and knew in your gut it wasn’t right. don’t feel for stupid for having feelings or caring about someone and don’t let someone else hold you back from that 🙂 sounds like this guy was a hot mess and all over the place

  • Angela

    Even though he (K) was everything I prayed for in a man and we mutually were head over heels for one another (talked about getting married, having kids together, being a power couple financially, etc), we were both emotionally unavailable (we were both married to other people…smh) he had been in a lonely marriage for quite a few years, where I was in a lonely marriage from day one as I stupidly chose to marry a man who was incarcerated…. when He (K) and I first began communicating I had already dramatically distanced myself from my incarcerated spouse (J) only providing him bare minimum financial support, as I was so fed up of being used and unappreciated and having these over the top expectations of what a wife is supposed to be..when my then spouse (J) couldn’t even be half of what a husband is supposed to be to their wife while incarcerated and I still chose to be his wife (I admit I was ashamed of my decision and during my marriage I didn’t not share the true story of my situs with strangers and colleagues in fear of being judged). Back to (K) and I, Unfortunately I was by far more emotionally unavailable than he was when he and I first got together. A few weeks after we begin communicating on more than a colleague level (we were co-workers) he quickly separated from his wife….and that’s when we began being intimate with one another…to make matters more merky we got pregnant with my first child 2 months after being together…while I already had many internal issues with myself such as my self esteem, body issues (been overweight my entire life), insecurities of not being wanted or validated by people especially a man, which of course rooted from how I was treated as a child, my already negative character flaws that were provoked by these internal issues…came out more intensely when I got pregnant….prior to getting pregnant I was soo sure done with my spouse….but i immediately felt the sense of being a horrible wife, woman, person, etc, even though my actions prior to meeting (K) proved that I once was dumb in love dedicated to my spouse…I just couldn’t believe I allowed myself to get to the point of not being a good wife… not necessarily to my spouse but just in general. I understand our perception is our reality…so I go on to say this…when I told (K) I was pregnant his reaction didn’t make feel all that great which of course not only I, but he is still legally married…so he panicked not to the point of wanting to leave me because (K) truly cared for me and my well being, but he was ok with me terminating the pregnancy as that of course was considered…but he told me ultimately it was up to me..but our relationship went to shits after we got pregnant we’re both in a panick…things weren’t supposed to be happen like this..we were supposed to do things in perfect order starting with divorcing both of or spouses, continue dating, THEN marriage and babies.. (K has 2 kids already from his now ex wife). A great deal of my pregnancy was a secret when it came to his family and of course his wife (he didn’t tell her until the day the divorce was final, 7months after they separated)…i of course didn’t officially meet his kids until around that time as well…and I was so fixated on his family and friends looking at me as the home wrecker….I was sooo concerned on how his people and even our co workers viewed me (I got a promotion a month after we got together so we no longer were in the same office)…I used my insecticides as the fuel to mistreat him and reject the love that he tried so hard to give me. He acknowledged that him keeping things on the hush doesn’t make him feel good at all but he felt it was the best thing until he was divorced. He told his sibilings early on…but his parents found out after he was divorced… some may not believe in the zodiac, but it’s bad enough that I’m a Capricorn…very much an introvert and (k) who is a true Gemini….which also applies to why he and I had a lot of issues…back to introvert…I’m already a shy person but now I have a real reason to be shy and distant because I’m pregnant their brothers/son’s child…so even though his wonderful family accepted me and wanted to get to know me I shut them out because I was so worried that they would just run back and tell his ex wife everything that was wrong with me externally and internally as that continued to learn who I was…back to be being emotionally unavailable to (K) I shut him out completely by the time our son was born…it’s like I hated him for not validating me the way I felt I was supposed to be validated…I never opened up to him when it came to admitting my mistakes in past relationships…I was very open with my childhood issues but it’s like when it came to discussing my marriage it was too secret…during my pregnancy I was so unhappy (thank god my kid is the happiest kid alive no emotional issues this far) as I was contemplating in my head which man to choose…I eventually chose my ex spouse and unfortunately the reasons were Moreno of how he made me feel ego wise..the ability to control, since he came from nothing..the fact that his sweet nothin gs that he would say to me (while incarcerated) was nothing that (K) had said to me, basically going back to my ex was easiest for me…instead of taking on the challenge of a good man who actually stimulated the need to grow and move past issues in my life….so while my mind was convincing my heart that (J) is where I need to be…I rejected (K) continuously over and over (verbally and physically)…and we were still living together but the intimacy was very far and few…and he’s a damn good looking man…way better than my ex spouse but that was proof that I was unemotionally unavailable to him…you know looking back..I believe even if I was single when I met (K) if I still had the internal issues working myself… (K) and I’s relationship still would of been a lot of work…as he is so confident and social and friendly and I still would if been the Debbie downer…despite all of it though even til this day….he still loves me and I still love him but soon after he moved out with me and got his own…he immediately got into another relationship…well he says it’s only dating…as he appears to be emotionall unavailable as he goes back and forth with me and sells me dreams that we have a chance to reconcile but I guess the hurt he endured from me is just too much for him to forgive…yet he feeds me crumbs from time to time which at this point I see where I screwed up and I am willing to do whatever I can to fix my wrongs so I’ve held out on giving another man my time or body…. but when I saw that he and this woman do everything together he has brought her around our son (and has been for the last year apparently) which it hurt when my son identified her on a picture on social media..but I guess this my karma for all the wrongs I didn’t not only to my ex spouse but my (K)…he claims he can’t commit to her because he now has own internal issues stemming from our relationship and probably his previous marriage…yet he gives her all of his attention and time…she has no kids so they’re just living it up….
    (K) is an AWESOME father to all 3 of his boys, due to my career where I travel often he and I pretty much have equal time with of our son give or take, depending on my travel schedule. So I don’t have any issues with him as a co parent, but it’s hard when I see him because it just makes me want him and he says seeing me and talking to me is hard to because of our connection with one another…which is why I feel like if we can just get good within ourselves separately he and I would be so damn great together…but I have to expect that our time is done….

    I want companionship so bad but dammit I’m sooooo emotionally unavailable… just like I suck it up and restrict calories on a diet I gotta suck it up and restrict myself from having verbal or physical interaction with a man…

    this all began in 2012, and we stipped co habitating in 2015 and here we are the end of 2016 and I’m still a wreck..

    Am I really a horrible person?? Do I even deserve love from a man???

  • Tace

    I am currently in a situation like this now, this guy has a beautiful soul he really does, he did straight up tell me that he is emotionally unavailable but he said he would still like to talk to me. I found out from one of hes friends that he had told them about me, I couldnt believe it because of the great wall of China behaviour plus he said he is emtionally unavailable so I was very suprised to hear that. He had even kissed me twice in front of hes friends (mind you he had a little bit to drink but wasnt off hes face at all) so that confused me even more, when we first started talking he would send cute little emojis and now nothing like it :/ its like he gets scared of showing hes soft side and as soon as he realizes he has let ” to much” of it out boom the walls up again and I dont get talked too :/

  • Patricia Lynne Slade

    I see where my issues lie in reading your post. Thank you for the honesty. Its sad when others make you pay for past situations….healthy relationships “feel” great and emotionally unavaliable people can’t function in “healthy” until they are “healthy”. I get it.

  • Patricia Lynne Slade

    AWESOME article……wish I had come across it a few months back but I’m glad I’ve found it now. 🙂

  • Not pro Israel

    My emotionally unavailable meteorite passing through my life is in the very Park where I met her and she gave me her number and then later confessed her emotional unavailability, her feelings of betrayal by life, how she wish she was Dad and we’ll just get cancer, how she wished that her dog died instead of her cat, how she stayed in a relationship with her ex for 4 years before he gave her an ultimatum and she confessed that she never wanted to be married or have kids. And now oh, she is giving her number out to the next victim. This woman is so messed up in the head but when I stop by just to show her an act of kindness and was on my way out she asked me if I would take her to dinner and stupidly said well okay I even told her I really didn’t want to but she seemed to want to be to dinner with me so I let her pick the restaurant, Indian food which was disgusting but I tried to eat everything that we had and so when we left her home I open the door to my car for her to get her in and I close the door for her and then I drove us to the restaurant I open the door of the restaurant I stood while she sat down then I sat down she told me exactly what she wanted like five times and the waiter came over and asked me if we were ready to order and I said yes and you know I told her what she wanted and then what I wanted. And even ask her is there any special way that you want this you should tell him Mino and when the guy left she attacked me. She went off on me telling me that if I keep opening doors for her and doing things like that like ordering her food for her she was going to wind up stupid. I’ve never heard such a thing from a grown woman. This people are sick and they don’t want to admit it and they’re walking around like wrecking balls destroying people’s feelings on a daily basis with no emotional accountability whatsoever. I lost my ability to empathize with her and her victimhood. I have survived so many things in my life and have had to fight for my life, that when I listen to poor little girl who’s nothing but a little brat whine about how life has betrayed her and how things are just so so sad, how she’s so independent yet she so depressed because the guy who was going to buy a boat for her didn’t come through. I wonder if he got a glimpse of who she really was? Cuz I know when I did I wanted to take back every second that I gave her.

  • Tolerant

    Thank you for this.

  • Da’vid Gurion

    The saddest thing of all you are spot on, but it does not make a person feel better about the situation. Intellectually we see this, emotionally we get stuck. There are just some situations we cannot change and people. We get stuck sometimes with unhealthy family members, we have an unhealthy X who pits the children against you, then there are the dysfunctional relationships we are all drawn to. That knight in shinning armor syndrome and all lead to the same end. We enjoy 15 minutes of bliss and then have hell to pay later. They never own anything they have done, the world is broken and they are ok, they see you are the issue and they are ok. Never seems to change. The characters change but the process is always the same, just different people. The only conclusion I have drawn is this. Remain alone. Take time for you. As much as the need for companionship sometimes drives us to make the same mistakes again and again, resist them. I know this is not easy. I am a perfectionist. I roll over and over in my head what I could have done differently to prevent this and the conclusion is the same. When you date someone emotionally bankrupt, unable to own their part and they shift the blame, how is that healthy. We cannot allow our need for companionship to rule out the inner need for a healthy relationship. Yes, being alone sucks. Not having someone you can trust and love sucks. The truth is, when the pain is great enough that is when change happens. That makes no sense, but it is true. When the pain is great enough, when you get tired of the merry go round and believing people are intrinsically good is when “your” life can change. I do not want to admit I struggle in this area. I do not want to admit I get weak and fall victim to the same trap over and over. Thinking, this time it will be different. This time I will do it better, but I am also realizing maybe it was never me. All I can say is the heart and the mind are in total war. We remember the great times we shared and struggle with what we did so wrong to have the relationship end. Sometimes it was never you. Sometimes it is the person and when we should be running when we meet this person our need for companionship outweighs our common sense. I hope if you are struggling today as well that you find peace in this. 1. Don’t toss in the towel. 2. Continue doing what is right when everyone else is doing wrong. 3. Continue seeking those things that make “you” healthy and happy. 4. Get rest, eat, meditate, pray, etc. whatever it takes. The saying :This too will pass, it does. 5. Never give up. Just because it looks like people can get away with hurting others and with no regard to what they do to them emotionally, financially and spiritually does not mean eventually everything they have done will come back. Time is in no hurry, God is in no hurry. Why should we be in a hurry. 6. Focus on you. When you take the focus off the person and what they did to hurt you and this is tough, you no longer give them control over your life. They are miserable and the adage “Misery loves company.” is so true. Don’t allow their dysfunction to become yours. 7. Stay firm on your convictions. I really believe eventually a healthy person with the same loving and endearing qualities will come into our lives. Time, be in no hurry, focus on you and learn from the past. Be self-aware of those triggers and don’t fall victim to them again. As much as I want to say people like this change, they don’t, something really horrible and tragic has to happen and even that does not change them. As much as we loved them, the reality is, they never loved us.

  • steams

    Is it really heartache or a projection? Are we not just triggering old trauma and feelings of abandonment from childhood?

  • Juanita Juniper

    Take your son and go live with your parents or a friend!! You have one life, don’t throw it away! xx

  • Lizelle Mampe

    I can totally agree with this… I dated someone 5 years younger than me. At the time I always felt age would gate us n make things awkward but it didn’t. Loving her was all that went through my head day in day out. I would call her at every chance I got. It fell on twist tones cos she’d always tell me her phone was broke and she’s tryna get it fixed.. I then bought her a new phone thinking this would improve our situation but it didn’t. But that was ok coz I was deeply smitten by her and I thought she was too. The more time we did not spend together the more I started realizing that she wasn’t that much into me and our relationship. Just recently(3 days ago) I was really tryna get her to open up and tryna initiate a conversation about our future. She low-key freaked and started throwing things like our age difference and her family values into this convo. I was okay but then 2 years back I dated someone 9 years older than I am and when I initiated a topic about spending more time and her seeing my life, family and friends she did a twist and fate… she went off on how she needs her life straightened before she does any of these things.. I can never judge upon why this happens this way but… matters of commitment or compromise or sacrifice always reveals people in a relationship… and I think the issue of baby talk always scare people. I have brought the topic up once or twice and she would back pedal everytime. I couldn’t understand why family values, age difference and her acedemics were being thrown at me as if I’m not supportive of her on the parts of her life.. whenever I’d spend time with her or request to spend a whole day with her she’d always tell me she’s gotta ask her mother yet whenever she’s invited to a party she’d call me to take her n pick her up… whenever she goes to work I take her n pick her up after n I’d always ask if she could come by so we could have some alone time and she’d tell me she needs to check with her mother. Even if I asked her to spend time with me whilst in the car.. after some time she’d look ask what time it is and say she has to go home.. the reason why I wanted her to have a phone is so we could speak a lot the other reason was that she had lost that buggy phone so I got her a gift but even when I got her a phone she was never in any mood to talk. Even when i took a romantic approach she would quickly shut it down.. I never assume stuff but it was so clear that she was emotionally unavailable but whenever we went back to that discussion I felt like a nosey boyfriend prying coz one time I assumed it was her past n she snapped n said I know ntn I’m just making Foley accusations and that maybe I feel like the love she was giving me wasn’t enlightened fo me…. earlier this week we had a discussion about our future.. mostly her… she was very one sided and gave cold responses… I called it quits but in doing that my heart didn’t wanna let go of her n is as we speak still stupidly and enchantingly in love it’s her. But I know staying with her would bring me more pain and suffering than happiness. I had too many expectations n I felt that was abit to query upon myself. I can’t think of any reason why I should ever give myself up to love again but in my heart I know I can.