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9 Ways to Release Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Find Love Again

By

Two Hearts

“The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.” ~Deepak Chopra

The end of my marriage was a life-shattering event that rocked my world and made me question my existence.

My break-up led to a full existential, spiritual, and personal crisis.

After putting the pieces back together, I feel like I’m ready to love again.

It took me a long time to feel open to another relationship because I was stuck in the past, replaying the story of my former relationship over and over again in my mind.

I also held a set of disempowering and limiting beliefs that prevented from moving on.

Some of the sabotaging thoughts that I had to confront included:

I’m broken.

I thought a severe heartbreak led to a permanently broken heart. The wounds were so deep and heart-break so heavy that my ability to love someone else was broken forever.

No one will ever love me again.

After my last break-up, I thought I was done. I felt rejected by one person but it felt like that one person represented all women and I wouldn’t find someone else. Ever.

I have nothing to offer.

I believed my heart muscle was used up and my capacity to love was depleted. I felt like there was nothing I could give to anyone else because I had given everything I had.

There must be something wrong with me.

I believed the harsh comments my ex made about my character, shortcomings, and behavior made me an unworthy person. There must have been something wrong with me because she knew me so well. I’m no innocent bystander here; I said my share of hurtful words and am sorry for them.

I’ll find the same kind of person again.

I believed a future relationship would bring more of the same struggle and pain. I’d continue to attract someone like my ex or find myself attracted to someone like that again. Once again, we’d have the same kind of fights and challenges.

There’s no one out there for me.

After my last relationship, I came up with a mental checklist of values and traits I wanted in a future partner. I believed the exact person I was looking for likely didn’t exist, and that meant there was no one out there for me.

I’m a failure.

I had failed in picking the right partner before and failed in the relationship. And I had failed in a few other things as well. In fact, my beliefs caused me to believe that I was a failure in all parts of my life. And as a failure, I wouldn’t be able to meet anyone new. Who wants to be with a failure?

Love is too painful.

After my painful, soul-crushing break-up, I would have preferred to walk through a lion and tiger-filled African safari than get into another relationship. I wanted to play it safe and not take a risk on love again.

It’s dangerous to be vulnerable.

In my last relationship I’d put myself out there, revealed almost everything about myself, and placed my heart in another person’s hand. I’d been as vulnerable and open as I could be with my previous partner. But now, after heartbreak, I didn’t want to be open or vulnerable again. I wanted to build large walls to protect my heart so I wouldn’t have to bare my soul again.

As you can see, I dealt with a full can of worms of negative thoughts and disempowering beliefs.

If you have similar beliefs because of a break-up, you know that it’s virtually impossible to meet new people and start over again in your love life.

Here are nine ways to set aside your limiting beliefs and open your heart to a new relationship.

1. Recognize your limiting beliefs and know that they stem from your past experiences.

You only believe these things now because of what happened in the past. Beliefs are based on your subjective experience; they can be changed or seen through a different lens.

2. Remind yourself that the past doesn’t equal the future.

What happened once can be seen as a teaching experience so you’ll know what to avoid in the future. You are wiser now; your past doesn’t have to repeat itself. You can grow from failure and disappointment.

3. Challenge every limiting belief you have about relationships.

When you think a disempowering thought, like “all relationships lead to pain” or “I’ll never find love again,” challenge it. Come up with reasons why those thoughts are not facts.

If you look around you at friends and family, you’ll find strong relationships that work. Relationships that are filled with commitment, love, kindness, and mutual respect.

You’ve also likely experienced positive and love-filled relationships in your life. Remind yourself of what’s possible in a loving and wholesome relationship.

4. Spend less time focusing on your heartbreak and the negative beliefs you’ve developed because of your past.

Focus more on yourself. Take care of your health by eating better and exercising more. Be more compassionate toward yourself by taking more time off and getting more sleep. Commit to becoming the best version of yourself by working on your confidence, overcoming your fears, and following your dreams.

Do work that brings you joy, surround yourself with supportive people, and create a zone of positivity around you.

5. Strive to live more in the present moment by letting go of thoughts about the past.

When thoughts and feelings about the relationship come up, don’t cling to them. Acknowledge that your mind is pulling you back to the past and wants to drag you through a cycle of pain and sadness.

Simply acknowledging what your mind is doing will help you be more conscious of its tricky ways. Watch those thoughts pass by like clouds passing in the sky.

It will help to focus on the task at hand. If you find your mind drifting back to the relationship, just come back to what you were doing before your past popped up.

6. Look for love all around you.

What you focus on tends to show up in your life.

If you look at pain and struggle in the world, you will see more of that. If you search for heartache and loss, you will find that.

If you keep focused on doing work you love, spending time with people you love, and engaging in activities you love, you will be in a much better place to invite romance into your life.

7. Become more loving and kind to yourself.

Become the kind of person you desire to have a relationship with. Work on the qualities that prevent you from being the kind of person you’re capable of.

In order to become more loving, I had to let go of the ego, anger, and resentment that clouded my life.

I had to take stock of my life and reflect upon the way I showed up in my relationship. I also had to take responsibility for my shortcomings .

I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.

8. Cultivate more positive views of love.

Try affirmations, meditations, journaling, and other practices to help you shift your beliefs about love. Interpret events that happen to you through a new framework of love—not the old framework of heartbreak.

When someone calls you or wants to take you out for dinner, think in terms of the possibilities of a new relationship, not all the things that can go wrong.

Instead of thinking “here we go again” with new circumstances in your life, remind yourself that you have the opportunity to show up more wisely and with a more open heart.

9. Find the courage to be open to love again.

Take small steps to trusting someone, sharing with someone, and opening your heart to someone new. If you’re overwhelmed by the gravity of a new relationship, take it slow and build trust in that person over time.

I’ve come to learn that relationships can be our greatest spiritual assignments. Even if the worst happens, you’ll be growing and learning as a person.

A broken heart can lead to an open heart. And an open heart is fertile ground for a stronger and deeper love.

It’s not too late to set aside your resistance to love and your limiting views of relationships to find the person who’s just right for you.

Do you have lingering negative beliefs about love? Please share them in the comments below and let me know what you’re doing to work through them.

Hands holding hearts image via Shutterstock

About Vishnu

Vishnu is a writer and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose.  He blogs at www.vishnusvirtues.com For Vishnu's latest book, 10 Sacred Laws of Healing a Broken Heart, visit his Amazon page here.

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  • Jeff

    I thought I was reading about my life when you talked about all those sabotaging thoughts– I think I’ve thought or said every single one of those things when my ex-wife left our marriage. #3 on your list is a great place for me to start. Challenging all those broken beliefs and the idea I’ll never find love again. I think one other thing is to allow yourself to fully grieve the loss. I see so many people who jump right into a new relationship long before they have finished grieving the old one. Then they wonder what went wrong. Great article!

  • Giovanni Andrew Roverso

    I have a history of bad relationships with damaged people. I seem to be attracted to people that have had some sort of serious issue in the past. Not something that has helped me get past ED. Of course it’s a learning experience but hopelessness is common in-between. I see a lot of my friends easily kindle relationships and I don’t have much of a chance because I haven’t figured it out yet. I just scare people away? And the more I feel like that deeper connection with a someone is missing, the more I experience difficulties in every other area of my life. Its not good to depend on others for happiness I know, but life is short. I need a taste of this connection now to feel more alive. Waiting for one day over the rainbow just isn’t cutting it anymore. But still then I realize that if I brought love to every situation in my life, even the things that I’d rather not do, and get them done then perhaps I’d start attracting the kind of person I so desperately crave. But then again it just seems like too much effort. And I just don’t see any end to the purgatory.

  • bigdo

    I feel like this article ignores a lot of like, glaring facts about dating and finding love in the modern world that just cannot go without mention.

    Things are changing wildly and rapidly for people in this regard, especially for younger people my age. Women aren’t really trying to be in relationships in the same ways that say their mothers or grandmothers were… This is a good thing, but it’s still a thing if you’re someone looking for a traditional, monogamous relationship. Also, men nowadays are just, pretty much the worst.. many are completely withdrawing from dating and relationships all together. The auspices and reasoning behind why can be flimsy at times, but again, it’s still happening…

    There are deep, deep frays between the sexes these days and we’re seeing it manifest in a lot of ways. The fact that we all are mired in economic peril doesn’t help much either. People of color bear the brunt of this horror the most IMO and it definitely has effects on the ways people interact with one another and are able to maintain long term relationships… If you can get past all the landmines listed in the article, you still have to deal with the way society is now structured.

  • kiki

    I’ve just had my heart broken… My life feels like its over… I don’t know what to do. We’ve both hurt each other but instead of fixing that hurt and pushing through he’s decided to walk away.
    My chest hurts so bad, I’ve not eaten or washed I can’t stop the tears and have to regulate my breathing…. Meanwhile he goes on as though he doesn’t care.

    Oh god I can’t do this

  • Hi Jeff – glad the article resonated with you and thanks for reading. Some of these beliefs are lifelong and become more apparent when we go through heartbreak and divorce. And you make a great point of having to fully go through the grieving process before being able to move on. If we’re resisting grieving, we can’t move on. And we are going to find new outlets, maybe even the new relationship to grieve in. Anyway, appreciate your comment, your thoughts and your feedback.

  • hi Giovanni – I’m sorry to hear what you’ve gone through and what you’ve experienced. I think you mentioned the solution in your comment – bringing love to every situation in your life, including your relationships. I talk about it briefly in 7 above – becoming the most loving and kind people ourselves and attracting those partners into our lives. If not a relationship first, start by building those connections in your friendships with others first. Bond and build stronger connections with your friends and allow that to come into your relationships too?

    Thanks for reading and your comment.

  • Good points and thanks for adding them. I couldn’t get it all in my word count so glad you filled in. Not only do we have to deal with our own beliefs and issues, but we’ve got to take society’s changing dynamics into account as well. Even if we want to find love, you point out – it takes more than our desires – it’s working through the societal landmines. I’m not sure how I personally can change society lol (maybe you can share some thoughts) but I can try to do my part and live with more connection, love, a positive mindset and show up more courageously. Appreciate your comment and feedback!

  • hey Kiki – I know the feeling – especially if it’s just happened. Sending you lots of positivity, courage, love and encouragement. Feel free to reach out to me by email if you would like or check out a couple of my other articles here on Tiny Buddha on how to deal with the pain of heartbreak. Now is the time for friends, support, and doing the things for yourself that can help with healing and moving on.

  • Chelsie

    My issue with love and vulnerability stems from an abusive environment growing up. I have a hard time loving anyone because I constantly have my guard up. The few times I have let it down to the right people, like my husband I have had some positive results. Unfortunately, I have had so many negative results when I let my guard down that I have almost given up on trying. I have a true fear of trusting anyone, even my husband who is practically a saint and has never done anything to hurt me like my family has. I don’t know where to begin. His relationship is the most important one I have, but I am afraid I am ruining it slowly by not letting him in. I am also angry and resentful very often. I have been going to counseling do help deal with the pain from past and current circumstances with my family. I just end up feeling so angry with them and resenting them for “pulling the wool over my eyes,” with their lies, betrayals and abusive words. This anger carries over into our relationship. I am often irritable, snappy, or nit picky with him. I know when I am doing it and I know it must hurt him, but even though I want to stop I never do. There have been times when I have gotten better with it but I always slide backwards again. I am afraid I am going to wake up one day and he will be gone, and I will have never seen it coming because I was in so much of my own personal pain that I won’t even notice his.

  • Talya Price

    All those limiting beliefs are exactly what I have been going through. I have been single for over 3 years. And I feel that there is no hope for me. I will always be alone and I will always be used by men. And I do not know why. Why do men use me? Why cant I find someone? I feel that the environment that I am in is one of the main factors. I do not find any of the men in my current residence attractive. I cannot seem to connect with anyone and this city bores me to tears. Yes I know, it all starts with me. But when I see people with active social and dating, and sex lives; I keep asking myself: What the hell is wrong with me?

  • Hi Vishnu
    Great post and I am sure this is a topic that is near and dear to many people. Very few of us have escaped having our heart broken or having a relationship end. As a coach that focuses on helping people work consciously with their energy to more deliberately create their reality, I am a huge advocate of examining the negative beliefs we have around any aspect of life.

    This is absolutely crucial for getting our more desired outcomes, and it is particularly important to examine in this area of life where there is so much emotional charge.

    When we can realize how we may have manifested the people and relationships we did, we can empower ourselves to make the shifts that will get us what we want.

    Great post!

  • Phuong Ngo

    She decided to walk away. I tried every way to contact but instead of fixing it made thing worst. Since she already had feeling to other guy. So, remember never doing it again. Give yourself some respect. If you not, who will ?

    I am just too naive and reliaze it too late. My chest still hurt suddenly without giving any signal.

    At least, i trying to focus on my daily work and other thing. Also i feel i am more mature and smarter than the old me in relationship. The next will be better, at least i have some little faith in that.

  • caroline

    Thank you, Vishnu!

  • Boryana

    Bigdo, great point! I feel that men and women these days are really only looking out for themselves and there is always this selfish attitude from both genders. There is no way to cultivate a relationship or commitment that way. It is just easier to walk away! Nobody wants to do the work anymore.

  • Boryana

    Hi Talya, I know what you mean. It is just not that easy anymore to date past the college days. People are just not in a hurry to get in relationships and I think that is especially true for guys. I don’t really have the answer but I have been told that stuff like this takes time which I know is not very helpful or comforting to know.

  • Amanda

    iMy boyfriend just came out the blue to say he wants a ‘break’ from our relationship, we have been together for 2 1/2 years. He assures me that he is not ending our relationship but needs some space. I recently found out that he also registered himself on a dating site. I am devastated. When we met it was love at first sight for me and i have never loved anyone as much as this man. He said he will contact me when he’s ready but wants to be left alone for the time being. i am feeling so lost….

  • Thanks for reading, Caroline.

  • hi Talya – thank you for your honesty and sharing your story.

    Our thoughts are what ultimately lead to our beliefs. Could disempowering thoughts be holding you back from finding love? What we tell ourselves is often what we find in our lives. Instead of “why do men use me” what is a more empowering question you can ask yourself? Instead of feeling like dating is “hopeless” what other way can you view it? So, I think the first thing is to change some of the questions you’re asking yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you – maybe the answer to “why aren’t I meeting the right men?” is that you’re in the wrong location. Could it be time for a temporary move to another city that you’ve always wanted to live in and would enjoy meeting the people there? The men you meet is out of your control but the questions you ask yourself, the beliefs you have about men and dating and where you live is all in your control. Hope some of these thoughts or tips encourage some ideas and action.

    Thank you again for your comment.

  • Sunshine

    I want someone special in my life but every time I meet someone I get pulled into “making it work” and end up being desperate and needy.

  • Hi there – what are the behaviors that come up that show desperation and neediness? Can you see what it is you’re doing in each relationship – do you do the same thing and find similar people in your life? Which kind of people you’ve dated make you feel this way? I think taking a step back to answer some of these questions – who you’re dating, why they bring this out in you and how to show up differently in a relationship can help you get some clarity on the situation. Once you have insights on yourself and see the patterns, you can make the necessary changes. Awareness is the beginning of a new you.

    Also, consider your beliefs in relationships – see #3 above.

  • Hi Amanda – I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing. It’s difficult when others betray us and hurt us like this. The beginning stages of a breakup can be difficult. I’ve written some other articles on Tiny Buddha on how to overcome a breakup. Some thoughts right now is to take care of yourself, get the support you need around you and start the healing process. At some point, to move on, you’ll have to forgive him for doing this to you so you can let go of the resentment and anger you are likely feeling. This guy is someone who you’re going to be grateful down the road. One, he’s going to teach you a lot about yourself – a lot of insight and self-awareness. Two, he’s going to be a great lesson on what to avoid in future relationships. Three, he’s getting out of your life so you can find someone who is much more compatible and suitable for you. Let’s be thankful he only stayed for a bit. Best wishes to you. Don’t let this one experience overly influence your future relationships and thoughts about relationships.

  • You’re taking a very positive story and attitude about this. you are more mature, you are smarter in relationships and the next one is going to be better. You will go through a bit of a grieving process – it’s always difficult when someone leaves our lives. But I think the future is bright for you with your positive take and attitude. I think the last person missed out and the next person is going to be lucky to find themselves in a relationship with you. Sometimes, we have to let go of what doesn’t fit to allow in what is a natural fit. Best wishes to you @disqus_LvjIlZihBC:disqus

  • THanks Kelli for your kind words. Yes, our beliefs around relationships are important to make changes, to move on and to find someone new in our lives. I’m glad you’re doing the important work of shifting energy, eradicating negative beliefs and helping people make major the necessary shifts in their lives.

  • Hi Chelsie – I think you have a lot of awareness and insight on what happened in your life and what’s happening with you. Being able to be mindful of your anger is not an easy task or readily available to everyone so you’re definitely making a lot of progress.

    The issue here is not so much your husband as much as your past. I was living in my past for a good portion of my life. And ultimately it came down to forgiveness. Here’s my 2 cents – people in our past hurt us. Why are we going to allow them to keep hurting us? When we don’t forgive, we fill ourselves with resentment, hatred, anger and the people who hurt us, keep winning 🙂

    Forget that, I finally said – I’m going to forgive completely, wholly and radically so I can find peace of mind for myself. That’s what I did and it’s been a life changer. And another thing, you may believe that you need to get to a place of forgiveness til you’re ready to forgive. Unfortunately, it’s the reverse. Want to or not, you forgive first. Once you forgive, you’ll reap the benefits of forgiveness. Don’t wait until you’re ready – do it anyways. Don’t let your past ruin what you currently have in your life. Your husband’s not going to be gone – you’re on the path to becoming your highest, most evolved self. If he’s been while you’ve been with you’ve been trying to come to terms with your difficult past, he’s going to love the new you who will be letting all of this past go and showing up in the world in an entirely different way. Blessings to you.

  • sais

    Hi Vishnu, this is so true I’ve just had my heart broken by my partner of 6 years. It hurts so much and I just don’t feel like I’m going to survive it. All our mutual friends have taken his side as well and it’s killing me I don’t know what to do or how to cope. What’s the point?

  • Hi Sais, sorry to hear what you’re going through. You’re going to survive it. Some ways to cope include getting some support, finding any friend or family that will be there for you, talking to counselors or mentor if available. Also, taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally – it’s now time for self-care and compassion for yourself. Some of the thoughts I left for Amanda in the comment above also applies. The point, in my opinion, is to get through this breakup, find yourself in the process, heal, learn the lessons that this relationship presented to you, realize you can embrace changes and move on, learn more about yourself, and go out into the world to find someone who is more compatible and right for you. I found my breakup to be a transformation emotionally, mentally and spiritually. The transformation will come later, for now, just find the resources to help you take it one day at a time.

  • Lily

    l had a devastating breakup in November of last year. I would like to say thank you for this article and all the other articles you have written regarding being heartbroken and breakups. I have started a journey of self love which has lead me to travel around the country and learn more about myself. I am hoping that I can follow the advice above to open my heart to new love. Thank You!

  • Thanks for sharing, Lily and commenting. Also, appreciate your feedback on the writing. Sorry to hear about your difficult breakup but glad you’re taking care of yourself and learning more about yourself during this process The more we know about ourselves, I believe the better person we will attract into our life – someone who is more of what we’re looking for and is an ideal fit.

  • Sunshine

    Vishnu, how do you think you can forgive someone who damaged your life beyond repair even if you may want to forgive for your own sake….the betrayal, the lies how can it all be forgiven when you know that the culprit is enjoying her life while you suffer for no fault of yours

  • hi there – it doesn’t have to be forgotten but you can still forgive. It’s your choice ultimately. If we don’t forgive, we tend to hold onto resentment, anger and grudges like hot coals that burn our own hands. When we do forgive, we put the coals down and walk in life more freely and without the pain of the burning coals. If we don’t forgive, we continue to be hurt many many times and daily. When do forgive, we let the hurt of the past go. I thought that someone had damaged my life beyond repair – today, I realize it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I am grateful beyond words for the relationship.

  • Apeksha Bagchi

    I can’t love anyone, I don’t feel anymore, or to be more precise all I feel is anger, frustration, and useless. There is this guy, he is great, really good, the kind of person you can be with but I feel and think of a relationship as a burden. I feel as if it will be a hinder in my freedom. I sometimes think of just letting it happen, you know just try out being in a relationship with him but what if I can’t.. What if I hurt him, he is really sensitive.. I can’t hurt him in my quest to find love again..

  • Why do you feel anger and frustration? Or that a relationship is a burden?

    Do you have some beliefs, bad experiences with relationships that are preventing you from loving someone again?

    We all get hurt in relationships and if you want to talk to him about that before getting into a relationship that’s one way to go.

    IF your intuition otherwise is telling you this is not the right relationship for you, then maybe it isn’t. Trying to see if your inner voice/intuition is speaking to you from a place of fear or wisdom might help.

  • This is truly a beautiful post, Vishnu. Every single point is perfect and can open us to shed our limiting beliefs to find love again. In every person, there is a this tug and pull between our egos and hearts. Our egos love to control and doesn’t let us to let go and love someone without conditions. To love ourselves and others unconditionally.

    This line is so true! “I realized that I had to reign in my anger, check my controlling behavior, and wash my ego with more love and compassion.”

    I completely agree about approaching a new relationship or even the potential/possibility of one with a playful, lighthearted positive attitude. More often than not, I see people already thinking of all sorts of outcomes before anything actually happening and not allowing themselves to enjoy the process. Go with an open mind and allow it to become what it will become.

    Thanks for such a wonderful post again!!

  • Thanks Priyanka for reading – yes, keeping an open mind and open belief system will allow new possibilities to unfold. Recognizing our limiting thoughts is the first step to seeing what’s holding us back. The past doesn’t have to equal the future. Glad you like the post and thank you for your comment.

  • Casey

    Thank you for this. A few weeks ago my wife said she wanted a divorce. No second chances, no ultimatums, no opportunity to work it out and try to change after only a year of marriage.

    I feel broken and that I cant imagine ever wanting to put myself out there again and get hurt, especially can’t even imagine the idea of marrying again, that my trust and belief has been broken and I have a hard time seeing how I’ll recover. The whole “maybe I was meant to be alone” thing, that I failed, that I could’ve done something to avoid this, etc. I’m still going through the not understanding and why phase too, why wouldn’t she give me a chance, what do we have to lose by trying. Complicating things is we haven’t finalized yet, no paperwork, still joint accounts, and all of our close friends are mutual.

    Vishnu, any recommendations on dealing with these thoughts in the moment? I appreciated this article very much but I know I’m not ready to open up to love yet, not for a good while. I based my whole life on her, my interests and everything, spent all my time thinking of her, wanting to do things or share things with her to make her smile. So I now need to find myself but don’t know how. Any advice for coping and doing that would be appreciated! I’m at a loss.

  • Hi Casey – yes, through personal experience, I definitely have some thoughts.

    The “big picture” or “what’s in the future for me” thoughts are not the most helpful or empowering right now. IT’s hard to imagine a future when we are going through so much turmoil and pain. For the initial days after a separation and divorce, the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself, have someone you can share your feelings with, write things down and try to take it easier mentally and physically. Stepping away from her and the situation, and focusing on yourself (which you might not have done for a long time) is the first way to cope with a divorce. They “why me”, “what next” or “Why did I deserve this” or “what did I do wrong” questions start popping into our minds quite a bit during these times. I found those questions to be very disempowering and leading to a lot of pain. Instead of focusing on those questions, try to focus more on self care and getting through each day. Know that you will get through this (I did), know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel and there’s hope (I found both) and try to keep in mind this could all be good for you ( I had no idea how but can now say it was. I learned so much about myself in the healing process, I started a blog, changed careers, pursued my dreams and became a better person all through the process of heartbreak) My life’s greatest setback ended up being my life’s greatest setup for my best life. It’s too early to think about future relationships and what next – I’d suggest self care, being gentle with yourself and being mindful of your thoughts and the questions you ask yourself. Better questions to ask during this time could be, “what am I learning from this”, “who will I be able to help down the road because of this,” “what am I grateful for now even when everything is a challenge,” etc I hope this helps.

  • I had a fairly devastating break-up a few years ago that I’ve let affect me ever since. It led to me being in a string of relationships that I really just wasn’t ready for and were equally as toxic as the one that i felt had destroyed me. Somehow it makes me feel better to know that someone else has had the same negative thoughts that have persistantly gone through my head ever since. I recently took a much needed break from dating and relationships and really took time to focus on myself and what i needed to do in order to make myself happy, and it led to me finding someone who so far has been everything i’ve really ever needed in a partner, and i couldn’t be happier.

  • Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience Hannah. So happy to hear about finding someone that’s right for you and how focusing on yourself for a bit was the solution. They key to all happy relationships, as you’ve pointed out, is to start with our own happiness first. Thanks again for commenting.

  • Maria

    Thank Vishnu for such a great article, really helping me a lot so I read all day to never forget these positive words, I have never been lucky in love, or I have not known how to choose well, when I finally found the person that made me believe that real love exists, an extraordinary, excellent person with love his family, broke my heart in a way that just wanted to die, unfortunately his work consisted travel extensively for several months something that at first I was not sure but he convinced me that we were going to make this work, it worked only for a year and a half, since I was not sure of myself, did not trust women because they do not respect a person has a girlfriend, in short, he confused, one day loved me another did not know, until it bother me so much that I insulted, I asked forgiveness, he forgave me, but nothing was the same, I begged for a second chance, because really he’s the guy that every woman wanted to have in your life, good, faithful, loving, humble, kind to his parents, but I had hope, since he is dating anew girlfriend already more than two months ago, my heart cries so much despite the broke up with me for almost a year but we were still talking, I had hidden it, I cried so much, I get up every day asking God and the universe to erase the memories

    this sadness is killing me, I overcome this, I know I will but it takes time and more when you really love someone with all your soul, and knowing in your heart that you found the person you want to spend your life, I know i made a mistake in not trust him, to be jealous of reflecting insecurity, i could not believe that a person love me and treat me well, I am learning from this relationship, I want to be strong, but also want a men who love by I am, good loving, faithful, full of life, with lots of love to give, I’m not perfect but I love my imperfections , must learn to be sure of myself, because I’m worth. unfortunately I have to see it in August because we have the same work and work coincided and I hope my heart does not stop, and I can act maturely since the last time we were not on good terms, I ask every day overcome this pain and be strong, and that someone is waiting for me love me with all my faults, I think positive although it is not easy to keep negative side but if possible, thank you for your article which it actually helps me long. Thanks and blessings to you

  • Sandra Williamson

    Hi Vishnu. I can relate to some of the
    limiting beliefs that you share here about past relationship experience. As you
    describe if we go down the path of letting the head run with all the negative
    chatter it’s a miracle anyone who has had a broken heart gets out of bed again.
    What I discovered was that I always have choice as to what thoughts I am going
    to align to. Do I choose the negative banter or do I choose the self-caring,
    nurturing, and even self-love path? I choose this path. It takes some consistent
    attention but soon enough I started to feel much more at ease in my body. Part
    of it was to be honest and take responsibility of where I gave my power away in
    relationship, as you say put others first and me down the line of priority. To
    truly honour and care for ourselves we require to be first and foremost in all
    areas. There are no prizes for martyrs’, and this is not about feeling selfish. It’s about absolutely
    claiming who we are truly on the inside. Not a glammed up 10 pounds lighter
    feel good version. It’s a genuine ‘I really really like myself ‘ and I’m going
    to live that lovely feeling I have towards myself in everything I do. The
    everything I did was to truly take care and nourish myself with the foods that
    really support my body, not what I craved. Early to bed early to rise works a
    treat. This I found offers feeling much more refreshed in the morning, it’s a
    great time to gentley approach extra work that needs attention. Being gentle
    all round with myself was a huge part. All this came together with me feeling
    great in myself, comfortable in my body and confident that I am enough for who
    I am. I didn’t need another ‘anybody’ to make me anything. I discovered no one
    else can nourish the absolute tender loving part of us that is deep inside. What I’m continuing to discover is the more I
    nourish this with-in the more the need drops away….and we all know what comes
    next… the opportunity to actually connect with someone from who we truly. The
    Ultimate choice, to share life with another because you both choose to, not
    because it’s needed, wanted or expected.

  • yulia

    Hi Vishnu, thank you for writing this articles. It sounds cliche, but many people are broken heart out there and really need to read such thing to encourage them trough live. And I’m was one of them. Been spending time with such toxic relationship with someone that never respect my feelings, and now he left me (which I’ve been praying for). Sadly, I still feel hurt when he leave. But I know, this shall pass too. Once again, thank you.

  • Such fantastic encouragement for all the brokenhearted out there, Vishnu. Well done!

  • Alison Carter

    A wise friends once said to me – people do not fear love, they fear loosing love. And when I reflected on this it had certainly been true of myself.
    When I broke up with my first boyfriend I was truly devastated and it took many years, actually decades to be in a place where I could truly let love in again. In the meantime I was cautious, guarded, waiting for the inevitable rejection to happen all over again.
    What got me to let love in again? All of my friends and work colleagues commented on how great I was, but I didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t feel great or powerful.
    So again my wise friend suggested I started by living as though I loved myself. Treating myself tenderly, caring for myself in every loving way I could and then to really start appreciating myself. Gradually over time my self care grew and grew so that it became automatic and with this I could feel the love I had for myself and I came to know how truly awesome i am, I could feel that and appreciate it and say it to myself and eventually share it with others.
    So when I had grown this awesome self love I didn’t actually ‘need’ a relationship to fill me up or complete me. I was complete in myself and that was when my future husband appeared.
    Coincidence? I don’t think so!

  • Thank you Martha for your kind words.

  • HI Maria – thank you for such an honest and moving story of your breakup – I can feel your pain and sadness in your message. It will take some time to heal and move on but I know you can. This can be an experience you learned from, an experience that taught you a lot and an experience to become a more evolved person. You now know that real love is possible, there are people who are caring and kind and that you are valuable. The discoveries you made might have a lot more to do with you, than with him. You’ve discovered some things you can work on and you’ve discovered your worth. I think as we date and meet people, we get closer and closer to the right person for us. If this was the last partner in your life, you are likely very close to your life partner.

    No need to beat yourself about over what happened or what you did. You didn’t do anything wrong and any mistakes you feel you made are what all of us do. We learn from our mistakes. To move on, set the intention to forgive yourself. Also, before you move on and meet someone new, take time for forgiveness, healing, learning and growth. The more growth you have in your life, the quicker you will find someone who is compatible with you.

    You don’t have to erase the memories – you can be grateful for them, look with love at them and thank those memories for making your life so rich. Then you can gently wave goodbye to them and thank them for serving you.

    Thank you again for reading and sharing your experience.

  • Yulia – I know you feel hurt but I have a feeling, you’re also relieved and thankful.

    We have to create space for the right guy or girl in our life by letting go of the people who are wrong for us. Try to recall all the things about him that were bad for you and try to notice them in the next guy you meet. See if you can find those differences, qualities that are bad for you, early, so you can avoid another similar relationship. Allow your ex to be your teacher 🙂

    Thank you for reading and your kind words.

  • Hi Sandra – I loved this comment. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, perspective and experience. I learned a lot from your thoughts here on what it means to take care of yourself, love yourself and accept yourself.

    This was my favorite line: I discovered no one else can nourish the absolute tender loving part of us that is deep inside.

    You remind me that the best place to love again and meet someone new is from a place of truth, authenticity and wholeness. Thank you.

  • Awesome story Allison. Thank you – great reminder, advice and example. Accept your awesomeness and allow your partner to show up to meet you. You sure do have one wise friend 🙂 Thanks for commenting and adding to this discussion.

  • yulia

    Vishnu, thank you for reply. Yes, you were right, aside of hurt I felt relieved and thankful too. That’s what I’ve been thinking too, I need to create space for the right person by letting go the bad one and for sure I’d learn from my experience on the past. Thank you for your support.

  • Lyndy Summerhaze

    What a beautiful, honest expression Apeksha, of what you are feeling!

    Your sentence, ‘I don’t feel anymore, or to be precise all I feel is anger, frustration, and useless’ is such a powerful observation. The fact is that those emotions do absolutely stop us from feeling (as you have testified to), and then if we don’t feel, we can’t love. You’ve said it all!
    When I have experienced something similar I found that once I was willing to fully feel those emotional reactions to life (no matter how bad they felt to me) I was able to access the hurt I was carrying underneath those reactions and feel that hurt. In this process the ‘hurt baggage’ drops away, which in turn means we don’t need that anger in our lives. A lovely space gets made to feel again – glorious feeling. You have such a gorgeous, delicate and powerful love within you, ready to share with this great guy! Go for it beautiful Apeksha!

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  • Joanne Swinton

    It seems the world over that we are looking to love and to be loved back. What I found was that I had spent my whole life thinking love was something outside of me, that it was something that I would have when someone else who loved me back. During my last relationship breakup I was so invested in the relationship that I had actually lost sight of myself, yes the old ‘I had given my power away’ to the relationship. But so started the path of return to loving me. It started with a conscious decision to make all my choices ones that were loving. This included my whole life – from what I ate right through to learning the all important part – how to say no to anything that wasn’t loving, and this included behaviours that I came across in relationships. I learned as I went, and everyday was about building this loving foundation, firstly in my body, and outwardly into all aspect of my working and social life. The result has been so much more honesty and openness in all my relationships, and this honesty lays a great foundation. I don’t want to hide who I am from anyone and particularly not a partner, so now when people are with me – they get all of me (well most of the time, it is still a work in progress!). This has been an enormous boost to my confidence and I feel the amazing potential for all relationships now, be it a friendship, or something more serious. Thank you very much for opening this conversation Vishnu.

  • Joanne Swinton

    Apeksha, it’s great that you are able to share how you are feeling. I have found for myself that underneath my anger was actually a deep sadness, and this is the hurt that I needed to get through in order to heal. Have you tried sitting tenderly with yourself and feeling what is true for you? I believe that we are all loving at heart, and no one is useless. I also believe that we all have a sensitive side, but sometimes we have layers of protection up that prevent us from accessing this true sensitivity that we feel. Men are tender by nature, and if we allow that, let our defences down, we might just let that side of them emerge to bring out all the loveliness that woman are, naturally so. It sounds like your guy might already be there. After being very hurt in a past relationship, I have taken the steps to letting a man be close to me – and I decided not to be guarded, but to let him see all of me, including my vulnerable side. Know that you are innately gorgeous Apeksha, I wish you all the best.

  • Joanne Swinton

    This is beautiful feedback Vishnu. Finding support while you go through this hard part is the key here Sals. Don’t ever feel that you are alone and there is no point. We are all worth it, every single last one of us, and finding your inner loving self will help you through this.

  • sais

    Thank you so much Joanne for those kind words. I do believe things will get better, thanks so much x

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  • selvi

    Thank you Vishnu for such an insightful article. I can honestly say that i am also guilty of having this sabotaging thoughts, as a matter of fact not just one or two but a lot!. I guess this was maybe due to not having any romantic relationship so far in my life & also the fear of being unloved/cheated/played made me to think such way.

    I’ve actually had quite a few crushes on potential boyfriend material guys throughout my life however, none of it worked. But then, there was once where a guy who just popped out of nowhere & we developed such good bond where i though he might be the one. But alas, he too turned out to be such a heartbreak where finally i got to know he’s a player who just goes around making very good relationships just to past times. Well, how was i to know right? So, basically this incident which happened 1 year ago,broke my heart & spirit. Eventhough i have long passed the healing stage, this & the “not-attainable crushes” made me fear the worst when someone tries to be close to me.

    I’ll immediately think that they’re up to something & just clamp up.Your points such as there’s no one out there for me/it’s dangerous to be vulnerable/love’s too difficult is all that i have thought & are still thinking about until now.

    But, i can’t deny the fact that i too always long to find someone but until now im pretty much unlucky in this so called “love” department i guess. LoL’x.. 😉

    Now, basically what im doing is just trying to be more loving to myself, take care of me, think about something else whenever the thought of past feelings/love comes up, & just to try to enjoy my life!

    I could say that the moment i stop thinking of finding love & start to enjoy all the perks of my life, im more peaceful now. Maybe it seems i gave up on love but i feel this is the only way out that i can see. So, thanks for this lovely article again which further encourages me to keep on doing what im doing now… 🙂

  • Glad to hear Selvi that you’re on the path to loving yourself and finding peace within. We could view our experiences as “lucky” or “unlucky” or simply view all of our experiences as learning and growth. If you’ve learned and grown as a person, you’re more ready today that you were before for a relationship. Continue to enjoy your life, challenge any remaining limiting beliefs and try to see a new partner as someone who will help you enjoy life more. Thanks for sharing your experience here in the comments.

  • Nelson

    I have ways seen myself as worthless. I have beleive there is always something wrong with me, that I was not a good man even though I’ve been told otherwise by the women that had share my life with.
    I’ve come to beleive that I am not attractive because I do not feel women paying attention to me or that my financial status is not enough to call the opposite sex’s attention.
    Worst, that I am not intellectually desirable!
    What am I doing to overcome all these emotions that are dragging me down!? Well, I am reading you and others to learn what to do what to do with my life!

  • Hi Nelson – thank you for your honesty in sharing. I think this is something shared by many of us at different points in our lives. Usually these stories or thoughts develop from our youth (family and authority figures bombard us with negative talk) and continues to play a bigger and bigger part of our lives as we become adults.

    Here’s my thoughts – don’t worry about being desirable to others. Be desirable to yourself 🙂 Be the kind of person you want to be – go inward out, not outside it. Don’t base your desirability or worth on how much you’re desired by others, if that makes sense. Work on yourself as you are doing – health, diet, affirmations, spirituality, changing mindsets are some of the tools to help you become the best version of yourself. Once the inner transformation begins, the external ones will naturally fall into place.

  • Michel

    Hi Vishnu,
    Thank you for this wonderful post. I have had it bookmarked in my phone for a little while now, and I decided to take another look at it. I have had my heart broken numerous times as a 34 year old woman. I am finding it very difficult to put myself out there to find love. In the meantime, though, I am focusing on myself. It is a foreign concept to me to live my life this way, but I’m giving it a try. Honestly, dating someone isn’t a real interest of mine at the moment. I feel I have a lot of work to do, particularly with jealousy issues. I am by nature a kind person, and I been taken advantage of a lot over the years. I have trusted too quickly and too easily, and it has caused problems in my relationships. I also settle very easily and in the end realize that I can do much better than what I settle for. I’m no longer very trusting of others, and I have built up some pretty thick walls. I know that people can tell, but right now I feel like I need the protection. I’ve spent so many years being open and trusting and it was almost always a too much too soon type of scenario. I’m finding it difficult to understand how to put myself out there and protect myself at the same time.

  • messylee

    Thank you for this post. I have loved and lost someone who I thought was ‘the one’ and its taken me over 7 years and counting to heal. One of the main reasons for the long recovery was because we both stayed in touch, got back again…broke up…stayed in touch again. I knew the effect he had on me, when he’d surface again but I was ok with gambling away a year to hear from him briefly. I was hooked. Finally I decided to go cold turkey and it has helped me. I still have my dark moments. I still curse him in my head when I have to get on apps like Tinder….I wish we had just dropped our egos and made things work the second time around. Theres regret, nostalgia and forgiveness for him but resentment towards myself. Always wondering that maybe if i did this…or that…maybe things would be different.

    I recenlty met someone nice..and the guy is genuinely very sweet. And how does that make me respond – I feel like running away because 1. I always have felt i am a mess after that one heartbreak…2. I find it so hard to express myself again…3. I want to take things slow…but i feel scared to hurt a well meaning guy just because I have issues with loving someone…4. I feel like I’m going to end up alone coz no ain’t nobody got time for dealing with this kind of guard. 5. I have seen a very dysfunctional marriage growing up…and that was one of the reasons i felt so connected with my ex..who had a similar family setup. I feel like no body else gets the pain that comes from growing up in a broken household.

    So yes, SO MANY limiting beliefs and sometimes it just feels like so much effort! I’d rather sit in my room and read…or hang with friends. The minute things go beyond friends, I recoil. I can totally be a dude with my boys, but with a boy who’s actually interested….i become so awkward.

    All this after one heartbreak and i feel mental. people have gone through so much more and here i am, holding onto hurt like a masochistic addict.

    Question is – ok I have identified my limiting beliefs. now do i fake it till i make it? I have a tendency to run when things get deeper or intimate…in fact i have become the person that made me this person. Also when i was younger i could love with abandon. now its almost like playing a game of chess..move by move…and i HATE that.

  • Guthries Machine

    “Men are tender by nature”?

    Really?

    Have you actually met, known or dated any? Not meaning to be rude and I apologize if this message seems to be rude, but my anger should be palpable… males are by nature definitely the opposite of tender. The words tender and men… I can’t even imagine how you were able to put them in the same sentence.

    Whatever planet you’re living on, I sure wish I had won a ticket there before being born, because on this one where I was born, men are evil.

    Simply EVIL.

    Tender… ha, that’s a good one…

  • RealityCheck

    It was just too very bad for us good men that are still single today that if only we had been born at a much earlier time since many of us could have been all settled down by now with our own Good wife and family that many of us still Don’t have today since the times back then were totally different than today.

  • Ashish “AJ” Gandhi

    Hi Vishnu,

    I’m really glad I came across your blog today. I am 39 and I was with my ex for 2 years before she broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We were both divorced and we both had young daughters of similar age so in my mind this was the perfect setting – on paper. For 2 years I gave my heart to her and her daughter and her family. I loved and supported like I never have before – not because it was expected of me – but because I truly wanted to. At the end of the day, money issues was the cause of her breaking up – her not feeling comfortable with my financial state (dealing with debt) moving ahead in life with her daughter.

    I have since cleared up my finances and am on the right track so that I never get in money trouble again, and I tried to show this to her but she wants nothing to do with me.

    I am really struggling with how someone can love you so much for 2 years (even a week prior to the breakup she kept on saying how much she loves me and misses me, and this continued even 3 weeks into the breakup – but I am pretty confident that those feelings are gone now) and poof, just like that be over you and leave you in their dust and all of the love and support I gave and showed over 2 years doesnt count for anything…

    She has had her own health issues and her daughter has been dealing with mental health related issues and I never once bailed on them – if anything I wanted to do more and be there for them and love them and support them. I always believe that if there is love, trust, respect and honesty in a relationship, then together you can overcome all of life’s downs and enjoy all of life’s ups. It is clear that she doesn’t feel the same way.

    And as you touched on in your article, one of my biggest fears is that I am 39 and will never find someone to love me for me, and want to stand by my side through the good and bad. To me she was the one, and she made me feel for 2 years that I was the one for her…and now my world is shattered 🙁