Learning to Trust: Let Go of Your Fear and Let Your Guard Down


“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” ~Ernest Hemingway

In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths. We often believe that we risk too much by being vulnerable, but, in fact, the opposite is true. When we build a wall around us to protect ourselves from our big, bad fears, we miss out on so much.

When we live with the mindset that something may be taken from us (physically or emotionally), or that we need to be in control of everything that happens, we endure fear on a daily basis.

It’s exhausting to live this way. It makes us cynical, suspicious, and unable to follow our hearts because we are afraid of what might happen.

So what exactly are we protecting ourselves from when our walls are up?

  • Fear of rejection
  • Fear of being ridiculed
  • Fear of failure
  • Fear of being wrong
  • Fear of committing ourselves and having to follow through
  • Fear of being taken advantage of

These fears are so normal that, unless we become self-aware, they can permeate our everyday interactions. It’s not just about trusting people either, but also life situations and opportunities that come our way. When the barriers are up, our lives become needlessly limited.

We don’t bother talking to that person because we’re certain they won’t be interested in a date. We don’t show how much we care about a person because we’re afraid they won’t love us back. We don’t go for that job or that course because we’re scared we won’t get an interview.

Nobody likes to feel exposed, but if you are someone who has suffered at the hands of betrayal, trust issues become even further magnified.

Learning to be vulnerable after deep pain can feel impossible. But it doesn’t have to be. If you consciously choose to stay open and trusting, you will find that your world changes for the better in ways you may never have imagined.

Of course, it is always right to use our instincts as our guide. You should never set yourself up to be shot down emotionally by someone who doesn’t deserve your trust. But equally, you should not let negative past experiences allow you to believe that it’s not safe to trust again.

My ex-husband left me three years ago after having an affair. It cut deeply, but I healed and moved on.

I’m now in love with a man who was also cheated on, by his ex-wife. When we got together, the bond we found at the beginning was never one of bitterness and mutual wallowing, and that was a big attraction for us both.

It could have been so easy for our common ground to be past pain, but we had so much more. What we have now is an amazing relationship filled with love and trust; but that only comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable, despite what has happened in your past.

We could never have found each other or shared such depth of love if we’d had protective walls built up.

Because I am so happy now, my joy makes me very aware of all that I could have been missing, had I let any of the big, bad fears stop me from finding love again.

I’ve also had to restore trust in my ex-husband because he is the father of my children. When someone has betrayed you, it can be easy to see their every act, decision, or motive as suspicious in some way. But to do so is to build up that wall again, which blocks the possibility of positive as well as negative outcomes.

I’ve had to trust that he wants the same as me when it comes to our children, and dare to be vulnerable and speak up when things are not right for them. As a result, they have handled the divorce and the changes to their lives relatively smoothly.

In order to get to a place where you are comfortable being vulnerable and trusting a person or situation, you must first be honest with yourself.

It is not weak to admit to ourselves that we fear rejection. Better to admit that than to tell yourself, “She’s not my type,” “I don’t have the time/money to do that course,” or “Men can’t be trusted.”

Once we look the big, bad Fears in the eye and see they are simply trying to protect us from being hurt, we can simply say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I’d like to see what’s beyond that wall.”

Photo by Damian Gadal

About Marissa Walter

Marissa Walter is a writer, mother, and the creator of Break Up And Shine, a website inspiring those suffering at the end of a relationship, to see it as an opportunity to create their best life. She is planning to publish her first book in 2013.  You can follow the blog at  or contact her on twitter @breakupandshine.

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  • Z

    I’m so happy to see tinybudddha address infidelity and the after effects. The amount of pain and trauma it causes can make one lose their faith in love. It is something that shakes your belief system to the core and takes years to recover. Thank you Marissa for sharing your experience.

  • lv2terp

    I love your post!!! It spoke to me on a deep level, thank you for sharing your wisdom, and experience! 🙂

  • Kate

    it’s so important to learn to be vulnerable. It’s a sign of strength rather than weakness. Thanks for the post.

  • Srikanth

    Thank you Marissa for such a wonderful insight on love and life. Quintessentially it reminds me the nature of life is paradox. The following statement is very opt and bolsters me to accept and willing to be vulnerable. “In love and in life, our vulnerability is one of our greatest strengths”.

    Where there is a light there also a shadow. The level of one’s awareness and willingness allows him/her to see both and make a right choice to accept and let things go.

  • Devs82

    Amazing post! Great depth and truth in it

  • C

    Wonderful post! Sharing a related quote by Dr. Brene Brown: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy — the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

  • Guest T

    I have tears in my eyes. You have no idea how much it resonates with me in this
    particular moment. All the fears you listed is what I have been grappling
    with limiting my life to the four walls of my room. Opportunities are out there
    just on the horizon- just have to reach out, which means breaking down the self
    constructed walls and willing to expose myself to the fears of rejection and

    Thank you for reminding how debilitating these fears are that I wrap around myself
    like a protective shield. It’s time to open up and trust a little bit; trust life.

  • This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m inspired to open up and be vulnerable!

  • Marissa Walter

    You’re welcome! Yes, it’s so easy without self awareness and a good foundation of healing and perspective to become hardened after betrayal. We are not meant to suffer that way x

  • Marissa Walter

    thank you and you’re welcome x

  • Marissa Walter

    thank you Liz, that’s so wonderful to hear x

  • Marissa Walter

    You are so welcome, it means a lot to me to share what I have learned on my healing journey.

  • Marissa Walter

    Thank you, I love that quote. And yes, shutting ourselves down after betrayal is so much more painful than the pain we imagine we will receive by opening up!

  • Marissa Walter

    Thank you x

  • Marissa Walter

    Thank you, that’s exactly as I see it xx

  • Marissa Walter

    You’re welcome Kate x

  • A

    Thank you so much for sharing this – well, really everything on Tiny Buddha, really! I read your articles every week.

    Thich Nhat Hanh often writes about how we should learn to die, and how if we don’t know how to die, we can’t live. Though I believe he meant our physical bodies and consciousness, I think this applies our psychological barricades too. Let your defense towers crumble and let your life grow in their stead. Take those stones and build a cozy home with an open door!

    I recently had a moment of the deepest clarity I’ve ever experienced, where I let go of everything I thought I already had struggled through and conquered: all fears, all stories, all defenses and saw the preciousness of life and love. It was an everyday moment – no more special than another, but it was one of the most profound and beautiful I have ever experienced. I saw that if I could relax into moments in my own peace, I could be finally begin to really see others, accept them and give to them openly. I saw how beautiful, perfect and fragile life is – and how battles for permanence and old ego defenses blinded me and kept me from joy, and they did not even protect me from the deepest pains.

    I know I will fall off the letting go wagon time and again, but I can now attest that it is possible.

    The seeds of awakening are in us, as are those of suffering. Don’t look outside for answers – look in. And don’t give up, no matter how scared you are. Each fear you face brings you more courage – and true vulnerability (not helplessness) is courage.

  • cookiemonster

    I’m still breaking down the wall that I have built up around myself over many years. I was brought up in orphanages and had to mis-trust people as an act of survival and also, being let down time and time again by many people didn’t help.

    I have a wonderful partner who I love to bits and he has made me tear down the wall, brick by brick, and the sense of relief you get when this happens is immense. However, I’m still very wary especially in the workplace. Still working on the social situations bit too so a way to go.

  • H

    I read this article every week or so to remind myself that it’s ok to be vulnerable. It has helped me so much with my happiness and current relationship with my boyfriend. I’m not sure where I’d be without reading this! Thank you so much!

  • AJ

    Gosh, I feel so much better after reading this article. I know that in order for my relationship to prosper, I must be willing to let my guard down. However, it is so difficult when you have been disappointed in love before. This article makes me feel much more willing to open up my heart. My girlfriend is amazing and I refuse to lose her because of I’m afraid.

  • Arthur Gonzalez

    Hi!! I would like to know wear do I start. I’m in a relationship now and it’s hard for me to trust. And I Realy love her with all my heart. And I want to put my guards down 100%. How do I do this it’s keeping me from being happy. Thank you Arthur gonzalez..

  • afgh

    Thank you for this piece. I really believe that I can take the wisdom here and apply it everyday and grow. You have no idea the hope of healing that this gives me. I have deep wounds from childhood that have been weight-bearing supports to my walls, and I’m tired of it. So much effort and so much I miss out on because of those walls. Maybe today begins the removal.

  • Nick

    Well viewing life as a paradox is the viewpoint of a very introverted person, you believe everything should be ideal and so do I. More extroverted people simply view life as very complex but still making sense.

  • Amber

    I love love love this post! You have a way of explaining things very simply, yet very effectively!

  • Ladyesquire

    Thank you so much for this post, I have been thinking about this all weekend and your post just said everything that I have been thinking. I fear rejection, I fear betrayal, I fear being hurt and all of theses fears are because of my past relationships. From this day forward I will not allow my past to dictate my future and to keep me from my happiness. I just starting dating a really nice person and I want to give him a fair chance I do not want him to have to deal with the consequences of someone else actions.
    I am happy for you and I am happy that you allowed yourself to open up again and find your JOY.
    THank you so much for this!!

  • Shukri

    I need help with learning to trust others & not think so negatively that someone will betray me. I have had betrayal happen to me which caused me to live a life of fear in trusting others. My issues are fear of being ridiculed & taken advantaged of which people have taken advantaged of me. But it’s interfering with my life & hard to love people or be in a relationship since I want that I’m trying to fix this. This post spoke loud & clear to me tonight.

  • buhle

    Thank you so much for this post its such an eye opener. I’m currently struggling to trust my partner and the main reason is that he used to be one of those guys that believed in multiple women and he was infact in a relationship when we started dating and although we resolved those issues I constantly wonder if he has changed. Are men like that capable of changing? I recently went through his tablet and found that he flirts with women on social networks and in his emails I found a conversation between him and an ex girlfriend who recently contacted him. Nothing suggested they had done anything but he did say to her that his love life sucks an that really hurt me. When I confronted him he just played everything of as innocent. I really love this man but can’t help but wonder if I can ever really trust him.

  • Shaun

    I really enjoyed this. I WAS a cheating husband but have chosen to mend my ways . I now have a girlfriend that I have been dating for a few months and have chosen to be faithful to her. I still have problems though , in that I know what people are capable of , but I`m trying to Love her with all my heart , and trust her forever.

  • Tara Tierney

    Thank you for this! I’ve been trying to figure out how to knock down my protective walls and face my fears again! This inspires me 🙂


    Can anybody help me I have been with a wonderful woman for the past two and a half years she has never given me a reason not to trust her but still I am wary due to previous experiences I don’t know what to do but I do know it is destroying us


    Please email my name cause I am not good at keeping up with these forums

  • Kamron

    Thank you so much!

    You really pulled me out of a weak and negative mindset. Amazing tips! I only had to skim the text and I immediately apologised to my girlfriend for my trust issues.

    Thank you

  • j.the goat

    I just came across this&am glad because i recently had a duscusion with my gf about this very topic&this has illuminated alot of my feeling of life&relationship with her. Im a hopefully romantic&want her ti know i do love her&want to be with her&i am letting my gayrd down&believing&putting all of my trust in her!

  • jay

    Good morning,
    So I ended my relationship 2 nights ago with my boyfriend. i have some questions and maybe someone can answer or understand me. Even if I did wrong you can tell me as well. So I have been with my BF for about a year and 4 months and I moved with him like 4 mmonths ago. We started off really well dating and enjoying our time together. He did come from a 14 year relationship and I started dating him maybe a year after. So we talked when we first started and talked about ourselves and he said that it is hard to open up and show feelings. So to myself I am needy and I like my men to open up and show some emotions. Throughout our relationship I would surprise him with small gifts or treats and his face was never excited and at times I would get a thank you here and there. So myself I love this man and I am trying my best to open him up and trying and trying. Until now I decided to break it down to him, because I been asking him to be him and not let fear over take you. He just says that he was fine. He was happy, comfortable and he thought everything was okay when he knew I wanted a bit more from his part. The last two nights I cried to him and he did not show no tears nor faught for me to get back with him. Last night I said I want to talk you and I want you to be responsive and clear of why you can trust nor open up to someone that loves and cares for you. His response, I don’t give 100% to my relationship because I get hurt like I am now. I told him why can’t you be happy? Is it your past? Is it because you are an only child and you like to your close yourself? I am confused and hurt that I am leaving him but I need to be happy and not trying to hard to make someone love me (I know you can’t make someone). So if anyone can reply and tell me if it was good what I did or should I have stayed and tried. It is a bit difficult because I love him but I am trying to be honest. I am not saying I don’t have my faults because I do.

  • Ed Woosley

    Did you ever get help with this… I need help here too!


    I read this with tears streaming down my face.
    Been through shifty relationships and am now with someone who loves me but I am working on trust issues
    this was helpful

  • guest

    My husband and I had a wonderful strong loving relationship till he started projecting his fears of infidelity on me and becoming suspicious for no reason. He was mean, and hurtful and accusing. I hadn’t done anything wrong. But because women in his past betrayed him he began treating me as though I was the same. It made me detach from him more and more. I begged him not to treat me that way. I am very self-aware painfully so, and I warned him, that his treating me this way eventually would detach me from him. He was betraying me by doing this to me. As it went on for a couple years eventually I became detached enough that I finally threw up my hands and said FINE! apparently you want me to be like “them”. So I became like “them” (his ex’s). I gave him a reason to treat me like I did not deserve his love and trust.- So my suggestion for you is that no matter STRONG those suspicious feelings get do not treat her as if she is guilty and especially don’t tell her that you believe she is doing it without walking in on it happening. Tell her your fears and your insecurities. Tell her how you feel, tell her when you feel that way, not later when u are angry with her. My husband handled his fears and insecurities in a very unhealthy way, and took them out on me and our marriage almost ended because of it. Because I almost left him for it and because he almost left me for what I did as a result of what he did. I can get passed his need for sex with multiple partners, and the hypocrisy that I must remain faithful (wasn’t a problem for me never had any desire for men other than my husband till he started treating me like I did). What did it for me was his lack of faith in me. His lack of trust. I had never given him any reason to mistrust me or treat me that way, but he was doing it anyway, and no matter how much I begged him to stop he wouldn’t. His lack in faith and inability to care how much it hurt me drove me to seek comfort elsewhere. I am not blaming him for what I did. It was my choice. My point is that as far as I was concerned I didn’t have the choice of being intimate with anyone else until his actions basically brainwashed me into believing it was something I had to do. I felt I had to justify him treating me that way. The only way (that I could see) to do that was to justify his fears. To cheat on him the way the others had. And at that point after the way he had been treating me, if he left me for it it would have hurt but he made me feel like he did not love me so I guess I figured it wouldn’t matter. I also think part of his reason for treating me that way was because he is a sex addict and is not “faithful” (with my permission, but still) so his inability to be monogamous was projected on to me. He felt guilty because here I am an awesome, easy going woman who loves him and understands that he is not a monogamous person and is willing to embrace him anyway, and not get upset about his casual encounters with other females. And there he is a jealous hypocrite. Anyway. It is a longer story than I am sure you want to hear, but the gist of it is that you make sure you don’t treat your partner any different because of your own fears and insecurities because you could lose a really great thing. P.S. My husband and I are working through the troubles this has caused in our marriage and we are doing really well! Crazily enough my infidelity seemed to help our marriage, made it a little more rough at first. But like I said earlier about his guilt causing his behavior towards me, he no longer has to feel guilty for not being monogamous. I leveled the field a little bit for him and it seems to have helped a lot. I would not recommend doing this, most marriages end after things like this, but to each their own 🙂 Good luck to you. I don’t know if this helps you in your situation, but I gave it a try.

  • lhk1996

    I have been hurt so much in the past its like that’s all I tend to look for in my current relationship. We haven’t even been together but a few months but I also just got out of a year long unhealthy relationship. At first in my previous relationship I was so blinded by what I thought was love that in reality it never was I was just blinded by alcohol and attention and he was blinded by the obsession that he needed someone although he cheated on me and to retaliate I cheated back. We did this for an entire year screaming, yelling, cussing each other out and finally one day I just up and left and now Im scared that’s going to happen to me in my new relationship in this relationship things are different were both mature and older now but we both have ugly pasts he’s been hurt and i’ve been hurt. Not only did my ex before him hurt me but I fell for my childhood friend we met when I was 12 and he was a year younger but we grew up together and at 16 we started dating and after a few months he cheated on me and from there my trust was broken. Plus I never grew up in a happy relationship home. Honestly ive never saw a “happy relationship”. What do I do ? I’m scared i’m pushing my boyfriend away we both have trust issues. What can we do ?

  • melissa

    Me& my fiance have been together for a little over two years, he’s left me multiple times when I was pregnant, I always forgave him& took him back cause I love him, he wanted me to move closer to his hometown from mine, away from everyone I kno my family, friends, then when I did we were living in an apartment& he was always leaving with his friends, always gone, before I moved in when we got back together he was already living there but would never text me back or return my calls, nothing, he always said he was sleeping from working, but I knew he was lieing, for a fact, there was one time after I moved in he was gone with his friends once again& I for sure thought I was going into labor I puked all over the bathroom& was having severe contractions was days away from my due date, I kept trying to call& his friends kept hanging up. I had to call his parents. His friends were horrible, they had no respect for me or him or our apartment, our things, anyways his sister had to come to the apartment a couple times while we were split up cause he would show up drunk with his friends being horrible. Him& our neighbors were friends until one morning his car window was busted& we kno they did it cause he told them he had family plans on easter& couldn’t take them anywhere, they started messaging me telling me about all these girls he was trying to get with while we were together while he was living there which is why he never replied to me, about this other girl name Melissa, this girl Carrie, after we split up here at this house he went to St. Joe to stay with a friend but after a week or so or month he begged for me back like normal, he said he would never talk to those guys again or hangout with them, I talked to the Melissa girl& she told me he pretty much stalked her wouldn’t leave her alone& scared her, I told him I talked to her& also told him he needs to admit everything to me so he did, he said he was sorry& was just trying to cover his mistakes, he also admitted to the Carrie girl& said that he did envite her over& she slept in his bed but they did nothing, she wasdrunk& his friends were there, now he’s changing that story but he was messaging girls every time we split up on Facebook asking them if they want to party, all kinds of crap, anyways I have no idea how to trust him no idea, I really need help& advice I’m scared to, he lied to me, his friend he was staying with in st.Joe told me right before we got back together he was using his friends phone messaging girls& sending& recieing pics, he told me that was true but only sent& received a pic from one girl, &I knew who she was. Idk what to do, how do I trust him ever again, we practically go everywhere together now if he goes out with anyone unless Its the store or his job, I don’t wanna live like this forever tho.

  • Cynthia

    I needed this so badly. I am with someone so wonderful, but my past and the fears and trust issues I have are pushing him away. I really don’t know what to do.

  • Eren

    Same with me 🙁 Vulnerability is the way to go, though. That, and self acceptance.

  • Cynthia

    Thank you, you are so very right Eren.

  • Rachel

    This is a great post. I find it very hard to trust any one in life. I find that it takes me about four or five months after meeting someone to finally decide it is ok to let them into my heart and into my emotions. I like how this post talks about allowing yourself to be vulnerable despite what has happened in the past. I believe this is true because why should a new person you meet be blocked off behind a brick wall that you built because of someone in the past? I also like how this post addressed how much I might be missing by not being vulnerable currently.

  • wanderlust

    I have had a couple of experiences with girls letting my guard down. Later i realized that i was just filling up a void space temporarily. Because of this instance i have lost trust and pulled my wall up. In the event of this i believe like you said i might be loosing upon something real coming my way. Sometimes I start to think of behaving the same way just to be in a casual relationship more like friends with benefits. Please advise … the dilemma is too much to handle.

  • selfish

    My husband has never given me a reason not to trust him. He has always been good to me. Hes the best thing that has ever happened to me and I’m ruining everything. Hes starting to resent me and I’m pushing him away. What do I do??

  • Susan1965

    I’m sending this blog in because I just ruune a three year relationship because because my issues of trust and abandonment. He made me realize that I need to take a good hard look at myself because of all the negative things that have happened to me by trusting people , I accused him seeing someone when he never gave me a reason, if I don’t change things and thought I cannot be successful in life and have the love I want in need in myself and for others….help me to realize the mistakes and give me the tools to learn to be open and let people in and listen to them. It’s very heart breaking to me that I lost my best friend because he feels I have not listened or trusted

  • amelia

    my husband lives in a different country , were not separated but i am trying to get him where i am
    before we got married he was such a nice guy told me great things ide never forget but he lied to me abt his age his last girlfriend say to me he had not have a gf in 5 years as he is always working no time for that but he saw me suddenly and fell for me I asked him that question after a few months he told me he didnt have a gf for r months I was surprised as I knew he said 5 years that y u must speak the truth because lying takes u no where he worked for us I finally accepted to this and told my parents I really like this guy they were happy for me as he is my first he doesnt believe me anyways I was leaving the country a few days after he cried hugged me made promises to me I promised him and I swear I kept my promises because he was the first guy to ever enter my life ….I really fell in love with him somrhing I never felt before ..I landed in newyork with my parents no money but had family they gave us money and i bought a pgone eagerly wanted a phone me a 19 year old wanting to keep contact I wasnt tooclingy attacked or protective I gave him space to hang with friends brother etc I hate liars my sister saw him holding hands with a girl she and her husband saw him kissing a older woman in the streets and then have the guts to tell me he didnt do dat everyone lies tears and stupid pics for so long I been a good girl and for wat to get hurt …he made me cry many days he tell me bad things curse me and all of the most hurtful things there can be yet I never gave up because I love him I dont accept cheating there were a big issue abt thid parents involved etc I went back home and married him I bagan his papers he still speaks to me like a dog barking at me rude and I still dont budge but trust isnt there anymore and love has faded away because of his ignorant and unmannerly ness he broke my trust and the wall I built up I just dont know why its not coming down I tried to find love again in him its hard because love is not game its a matter of the heart it hurts to be cheated kn and lied to and its hard to find that love u once had but dont give up

  • hannah

    Thank you for this article. I need to read it regularly to affirm its point in speaks volumes and makes perfect sense. I have been in relationship after relationship, and I either fall out of love/lust or put a wall up and push the special ones away. I am currently going through a rough time with my current partner, who is a special one and whom I don’t want to lose. Unfortunately I have shown some insecurities and have let them effect our relationship. I’ve done the whole..’should we break up because I probably want more than you’ line, which deeply hurt. I have felt rejected and exposed when I feel like I give more. Yet it’s very clear that this very special person is simply beautiful, true, honest, faithful and I know I’m treasured. Why do I so this to’s a self fulfilling prophesy and I need to break the cycle before I lose another special thing. Please lend me your words of wisdom. Thanks : )

  • Darren Mckeown

    Hi, how do you rebuild the trust after being cheated on if you want to continue with the relationship because everything else is perfect? Everyone is different I guess but I’d like to read how some of you have done this & draw some inspiration from it so I can move past the trust issues & feel relaxed & comfortable when we are not together.

  • rokey

    hi please help me

    i am job lase to 8month i am marred my to
    children and my joint family please all friends help me please contact

  • Meg

    Love your response

  • tom

    Hi Folks I’ve just stumbled up this site in desperation to talk about what’s happening. I met the most incredible lady some months ago and it happened at a time in my life where I had all but given up on finding something which had the potential of becoming something meaningful and real. But shortly after we met and we realised that we had something special together, my anxieties began to creep in.. In other words, as soon as I knew I was genuinely loved by this lady, I began to create reasons why I would lose that love. I think they call it “unhelpful thoughts” and that’s exactly what they are, as well as being destructive. So five months down the line, we’re still together, but only just and I’ve all but completely lost myself too!
    It’s very hard to speak about this without talking about the past but there is an absolute definitive point in my life where this side of me began to kick in and no matter how hard I try or how many books I read or people I talk to, I am realising that I am absent of the mechanism which prevents me having these thoughts and then reacting to them.. they win every time and all I want is to gain control over it, learn to keep these thoughts under the radar and not allow these thoughts to become real, because they do become real, to me, and then they become a problem for myself and my partner and then my fears become realised even further by the pain they cause her and her reaction to me.
    This woman needs me and this woman has seen me being all the things she wants, but now I fear that she is finding it impossible to see me in the way she once did! I know no one can answer the question of whether or not I’m going to lose this love but what I want to know is .. “is there a way that I can prevent my actions and unhelpful thoughts from being the cause of losing that love” .. I’m scared that the damage is irreversible, I’m scared that this time she won’t bounce back, no matter how much she wants to.. those feelings can’t be forced and at the moment it doesn’t feel like I’m giving her anything to come back too?
    Your help and advice and idea will all be extremely welcome.. Thanks to all who read this and I wish each and everyone of you all the happiness in the world!… Tom

  • Anonymous

    Please help:
    I have been with my girlfriend for 12 years come December. I love her very much and deep-down, I know she loves me. It is a concern that we are not married and it’s causing issues between us/family. Apparently the reason we are not married – I’d marry her, she’s the one that doesn’t want to, is because I have trust issues from things she’s done in the past, that appear to be over as of this year and I can’t help keep bringing it up.

    When she was in law school, she was part of a group and in this group was a guy. I didn’t have issues until he sent a message to my missus at 1:30am. It wasnt anything serious – so he could of waited till 9am the next day when they were in class! I told her I wasn’t happy, and that she should tell him not to contact her at that time again. Months had gone by and I found another message from him at 1:20am! Couldn’t believe it! I erupted! I told her to block him from social media and erase his number, to which she did. I was in her room alone and her phone lit up, it said, “WhatsApp message from [ ]” I couldn’t believe my eyes! When I read it, it was a convo that they already had, but she had erased her messages. The message was innocent but she wasn’t allowed to talk to him as mentioned. Funny thing was when I opened her WhatsApp, the name changed to Stacey – later found out she saved it as her female friends name. I asked her why Stacey would call her WhatsApp name “[ ] phone”. She played dumb and said she had no idea why Stacey would do that. As questions kept coming in to my head, later that night she admitted it was him & didnt tell me cos Id get angry – despite telling me she promised / swore to me she’d never do it again. Then another one, sort of carbon copy of the last, went down her phone and saw a message from a number – contact wasn’t saved. I knew it was a guy and the messages were innocent. This time I took the number and called, pretended that I had a missed call from this number and asked whom he was. He told me his name was J – well my g/f has a uncle in Catford, so I asked him if it was he and he said no, I’m J from Chelsea! My heart started pounding with fear that she’s cheated. When she came up to her room, her face dropped as she knows I checked her phone and she left the message there. I asked who it was from and she said her boss, Patrick from work. I called her a lying bi*ch and said I had called the number and it was J from Chelsea! We argued and the funny thing she said to me was, “Please dont search for J on Google Images”?! I thought to myself how weird, who says that?! Did the opposite and guess what I found out….. J is [ ]! The guy whom I spoke about previously! I had seen [ ] pictures before but not J until that day – there the same guy!! and lastly in 2015, I went down my g/f work mobile and she had an email from J which to her defense she had not read, but let’s face it wouldnt have told me anyway! He said to her, “Hey, I’ve just arrived at the station, where are you?” My heart sank. Sounds like an arrangement doesnt it? You dont say that to someone whom you’ve not made arrangements with?! When she came up, I said so your speaking to [ ] / J again, your planning on meeting him behind my back. She said no and swore to me that theyve not been speaking. She took her mobile and sent him an email telling him not to contact her again. I saw this in the sent folder. I asked her about the previous times of contact and said to her that as you promised me that you’d never speak to him, and have lied you must either like, love, care, attacted to him etc. She says she didnt, but why would you swear on the Bible,/promise me that you’d stop years ago for someone whom you have no feelings for?
    It still plays around in my head and I have questions to ask and it turns really heated. I have trust issues but I dont think you can blame me and we row regularly about him because I bring it up and I cant help it. Please give advice. Thank you

  • Amber

    I’m the same way everytime something good comes along i feel as if its too good to be true and i push them away, i always thought that there was something wring with me but i realized my past isnt my fault and it isnt his fault so i need to get over it

  • Lin

    How do you know if you can fully trust someone again? I have been talking to this guy for the past few years, but it has been VERY off and on. There is something about him that attracts me to him and always brings him back into my life, and he has recently been talking to me again. He even said that he has feelings for me again. He has hurt me in the past, is it safe to trust him again?? I know that I shouldn’t be so scared to trust him again, it’s weird because I have this weird feeling in my stomach, but I don’t want to risk losing the chance to be with him. I need some opinions, what should I do?

  • Eman

    What if girl rejects boy who is emotional?