Lost Love: What It Means to Move On

“‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” ~Alfred Lord Tennyson

I met a special someone. It was my first taste of love and I was sheepishly drunk with it. His were eyes I could look into forever, and he had a voice I could hear till the end of time. It was absolutely frightening.

We were colleagues. I unwittingly got involved in his life, and eventually found myself wanting to get even more involved.

After a period of ambiguous yes-no-maybes, he exited the picture for good. He never wanted to talk about it, or wanted anything to do with me again.

I was distraught, destroyed. Shot.

“Move on”

There was a cacophony of voices, concerned friends, self-help books, parental wisdom all cooing, screaming, demanding me to let it go, let him go.

They were all voices echoing the same rational advice. It’s only logical to disconnect, eject, and proceed. Move on.

I couldn’t.

Not a day went by without me cross-examining myself for faults, things I should or shouldn’t have done, things I could do to fix it.

Self-help books and long runs with blaring earphones only gave a brief respite. Reason left me as soon I put the books down. My mind wandered back to the hurts when I stopped running, breathless and ever-desperate.

“Move on!!”

Why linger? It was a horrid state to be in. I really wanted to snap out of that self-absorbed paralysis, but something kept me there.

After six months of marinating in the much celebrated soup of love, loss, and lament, I finally fumbled out of it.

There was no under-the-Bodhi-Tree momentous revelation, but rather a gradual learning and realization, almost anti-climatic, after all the drama.

No one is spared from metaphorical bullets, but no one has to stay hurt. I’ve experienced a generous slice of pain and tasted a ludicrous sentiment:


It’s ludicrous, in the sense that amidst the injustice and hurt, the idea of forgiving seems to border on divine martyrdom. But what I’ve experienced and discovered wasn’t a saintly sacrifice.

It was something I arrived at, a lucky tumble into the clearing. It was a long fumble in the dark. And what I’ve learned is:

Don’t run.

I literally ran miles to get my mind off him—physically moved away from him at work, tried to write him off as I thought he did to me.

But whenever there is a quiet moment, his face comes back with a vengeance. There is no “clear history” button; there is no shutting emotion out.

We cannot process feelings mechanically, surgically remove “bad parts” from our being. If that were even remotely possible, the world would be devoid of sappy love songs and affluent shrinks.

Yogis mediate their reflexive response to emotions. They don’t put a plug in emotion—they “sit with it.”

I didn’t meditate ceremoniously; I was probably face-deep in a hearty slice of cake. But at some point, I was finally able to quiet down and face the issue, crumbs and all.

The most ironic thing was that not only was I running away from the problem, I was also running in circles.

I was pointlessly replaying events in my head, ceaseless analyzing, obsessively scrutinizing my actions, and wallowing in sappy country music and dessert.

Not only does nothing get solved, nothing else gets done either. I was able to ask myself, and listen for the first time, the first most important question: What am I doing?

Life is not cruel when it does not wait. Life always goes on, whether we are in the mood to join it or not.

I had to ask myself: What is it that I want?

I wanted talk about it with him. I wanted him to tell me, face to face, what went wrong. I wanted closure. I wanted my pain to be acknowledged.

Because I couldn’t get the confrontational closure and couldn’t get him to acknowledge my hurting, I locked myself in limbo.

When a valued relationship ends, it’s natural to lament, but it’s easy to become morbidly self-indulgent, stewing in the predicament.

Like having blinkers on, I’ve excluded everything else, even the fact that other people hurt, forgetting that my pain is but one in many.

Everybody hurts. Even him.

It never occurred to me that he may be having a difficult time, as well. I demanded an answer. I demanded an explanation. He wasn’t ready to give one, and didn’t.

I was desperate, became obsessed, and he withdrew entirely. Of course, he could have handled it in so many alternative ways than silent disengagement. But blaming is not the point.

When I stopped feeling bad for myself, I was able to see the effects of my actions on his side and consider his perspective, empathizing with his difficulties.

Trace the blame if you will, but the meeting of two individuals and their eventual parting isn’t the fault of one.

So bent on confronting him, I deprived myself of closure in any other ways than the way I’d envisioned. He didn’t force me to be in pain. I did.

We are all one in pain—we act from pain and make mistakes from pain, and we all deserve forgiveness and kindness.

I realize that he only did what he thought was best at that moment. He didn’t make the best choice of action, but neither did I. I reacted in the only way I could then.

When I saw him at work again, for the first time in a long while I didn’t flinch inside. I didn’t feel angry at myself or him anymore.

I saw that he was still that charming individual that I first loved. Even though it was six months ago, and now that our parts in each other’s life are over, I genuinely wished him the best.

Without knowing it, I’d forgiven him and myself.

I guess I’d moved on.

It wrenches on the heart when things change, because whether it’s the love of a friend or lover, we offer ourselves with every coffee shared, every lingering gaze held.

We can’t take back what we offered. But maybe the point is learning not to want to, because those moments were beautiful.

Be brave. Be strong in loving and forgiving. Remember what you loved in that person who hurt you. Remember that everybody hurts. And know for a fact you are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from your experiences.

Photo by jinterwas

About Hong Rui

Hong Rui is an aspiring illustrator who believes every breath can carry garlicky remnants of lunch and scrummy wafts of compassion. This article was written in inspiration by a song "The Marching Line" by Vanessa Carlton.

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  • Guest T

    This article arrived just in time. I have been in a strange emotional relationship with someone for almost 6 years now. All the while it hurt and I went back for more, and kept blaming him for acting the way he did or not thinking about how it would affect me. After all the heartache and pain of so many years and promises made to myself to move on, this weekend when I spoke to him, he said something that he never did in all these years ‘ What you don’t realise is whenever I talk to you, see you, it f”ks with my head too.’ 

    After I put the phone the realisation hit me in my gut, I was selfishly thinking about how I am feeling and hurting and blaming him for everything all this time, but never did I pause to think it is hurting him too. He has his reasons for the decisions he made, and as you said that is his choice. As was it my choice to keep going back.

    I thought he was the one not letting me go, but all the while it was me who was holding onto him and not letting him go….

    I am not sure what’s next, perhaps this is the beginning of moving on.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Simpson

    I’m going through the same situation as you did and your article has helped. I feel I am almost at the end of the tunnel. There is some lingering resentment but its usually when I wallow in my thoughts and I’m trying my best to rationalize and talk myself down. Tired of these feelings intervening in my life.
    Thanks for the post 🙂

  • I know every situation is different, but the answer always seems to be the same. When we stop saying I want, self pity becomes the courage to put others before ourselves, and all is right with the Universe. I imagine the realization that it’s not necessary to be courageous in order to be selfless, to be liberating.

  • Jameilla

    Oh.. this made me cry, your post is a healing for me… thank you so much!

  • Great post!  I was at that place for a long time, just going over everything in my head and finally I just had to look at myself in the mirror and accept it.  I avoided him at every chance I could get, which was easy we were states apart, but recently we came face to face at his sister’s wedding where I was a bridesmaid (weird I know but she is one of my best friends).  In a glance from him I got that closure that I needed; we didn’t talk that much, but it was okay.  We are both in such different places, I’m married, he has a child, but we were okay with it all.  The hurt I think will always be there, my heart will always be a little scar, but I’m okay with it; our relationship molded me into who I am today.  It is true what you wrote that life does move on even if you want to stay in place.  He did send me a text after the wedding and said that his sister was so happy to see that spark back in my eyes and he was so nervous to see me, but glad that we got the chance to see each other again.  I never saw him as the one being hurt because he ended the relationship, but seeing him I knew that it pained him to end it and it was something that needed to be done.

  • Byron Fernandez

    This was absolutely beautiful Hong. Well done. 

  • This was beautifully written. It amazes me that other feel emotion as strongly as I do! For awhile, I thought something was wrong with me. ::laugh::

  • Aaron

    Thank you for writing this. I’m a man and trying to work through some restlessness, too. It is getting better, but there is a ways to go.

  • Lutz

    I just lost a good friend that way, she just withdrew without a word of explanation. All your tips are great for coming to terms with the loss. I am one of those people that tend to blame themselves for everything.

  • Guest – Bee

    Thank you. I really find many of the postings on the Tiny Buddha to be immensely helpful. I am currently running in circles myself. I’m in love with a man who honestly, doesn’t want to be in love with me. I’m complicated. I’m still of child-bearing age and not ready (or wanting) to give up on the idea of motherhood…. he’s already had his children and is not interested in repeating that stage of his life. Its strange how I keep focusing on my own needs and desires. There is no “right” way to move on (or to end things)…but living in this holding pattern is toxic. It is a choice….do I choose this toxic state or do I make a decisive action that will hurt at first…but in the long run be more healthy (for all parties)?! hmmmm

  • Jopat

    Probably the BEST article I have read and just at the most divine moment. Thank you. Truely.

  • Fiona

    A wonderful, thoughtful, logical post. I am a smart, realistic person, but love can make fools of us. And the pain hangs on. All the advise & wisdom is good, just easier said than done. But like you said, in time we all must move on. Thank you. <3

  • Vanessa

    I’ve been going through the exact same thing all summer. He broke with me and I was stuck a first real taste at love for me and I felt it had been ripped out from under me with no real explanation. Like the author I felt I needed closure and not having it left me paralyzed. Its finally now, that even though things still hurt, i’m longer denying myself the pain and I can accept it. Its like you have to completely push through your pain until you find that little bit of strength you thought you lost and from there you’ll find your own closure. Its different for everybody but coming to certain realizations will help. For me, it was always leading myself to a false sense of hope everytime he messaged me or I would see him. I found freedom when I stopped doing this. Its also wrong to deny yourself the heartache and the emotions associated with it. The more you deny, the more out of control you will feel. Because the pain always comes back and worse. You have to ride it and keep pushing. Maybe one day I’ll be able to speak to him about what really happened. But if I dont I’m still ok with it, which I didn’t think I would ever be. When you create closure for yourself you find yourself again. You’re a stronger and a better person because of it and the liberation feels amazing. Thank you for writing this! Its spot on!

  • A similar sentiment is what led me to write a recent post on my blog called Losing and Finding your Peeps. So many people in my life have affected me deeply and disappeared just as quickly. It’s always a loss, and I never get over it, they’re always inside, somewhere, even years and years later. And that’s ok. I do think that acceptance is key. Fighting the emotion makes it worse. Thanks for your post.

  • Anonymous

    I learned two really big ahas from my last breakup. Two lessons that have impacted a lot of areas of my life in a very positive way:

    1. Love is real even if it doesn’t last.

    2. When a relationship comes to an end, always be completely honest with yourself about what you’ve actually lost.

    After a break up, while you’re replaying all of the things that were so wonderful about your relationship (the things that worked), you must also be willing to take a good honest and loving look at the things in the relationship that didn’t work.

    What excuses had you been making for him/her when they weren’t showing up fully in the relationship? What behaviors had you been ignoring? What needs did you have that weren’t being met? Where were you settling? Are you conveniently forgetting the emotional roller coaster you were on for the last X months of the relationship? What worked and what didn’t?

    Admitting what didn’t work can never negate the things that did work. The parts of the relationship that were beautiful and loving will always remain beautiful and loving. Love is real even if it doesn’t last, and nothing can change that.

  • CiCi

    Wow. I’ve been in this exact situation. Thank you for sharing this.

  • Lemonsparkly

    ^^ Yes! What an outstanding comment – it is like you have described exactly what my mind has been silently coming to terms with and just needed to be shown…

  • This is so beautifully put! Like many of the other people who commented, I can absolutely relate to the pain of wanting to let go but also not wanting to let go. I also wondered for month and months (years, actually) why I couldn’t just stop loving this man and move on. I even wrote about it on Tiny Buddha! And, like you, I stumbled out of it somehow, but only after immense pain that I sometimes thought might kill me. Over the last two months, I’ve run into this man twice because we share a community of friends. And after all of that wrenching pain, I was able to hug him, genuinely wish him well, and hear his apology. I’m not totally over it yet, I still haven’t totally forgiven, but I’m on the road there. More importantly, I’m not obsessed by him or what he needs anymore. I’m much more careful of my heart now, but I’m still willing to open it, which I consider a triumph. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one who’s been in that place, nor the only one to move on from it. And I’m happy that you’ve been able to get to a better place, too! I know that kind of pain intimately. Thank you for your wonderful article!

  • Shafah

    I’m glad to be able to call the writer one of my few closest buddies. Beautifully written and the article is applicable to the experience of losing a good friend as well, something I had faced not too long ago.

  • Dawn

    My heart goes out to you…I have been where you were, and where you have come through.  What I learned, was more about myself, and the acceptance that I could not somebody else feel, do or say what I wanted.

    It takes practice to learn to let go of pain without allowing it to overrun your life. I applaud you and your experience.


  • Toup4

    Me too. I read it three times. Made me cry and added some healing too me.

    I was in the same ezact story–except we didnt work together. We were in different states.

  • lala12

    my god this post just shook me to my core. It may have been that last gentle push I needed to really bring into focus what had consumed me for the past 3 years…actually if I’m really honest-probably the last 17 years. The exact same thing happened to me in terms of how it ended…l just wanted to be heard, to talk about my pain, maybe even his pain. I wanted to be seen and acknowledged and instead he silently disappeared…and it happened more than once so each time the silent treatment ensued, my initial wound was re-opened and got deeper and deeper. The deeper the wound, the harder it was to heal.

    and yes…obsessing, analyzing, re-mapping, feeling guilty, remorse. Yes love can make the most sound reasonable person a crazed nut-case!  I needed to forgive him for any pain I felt he caused me, but moreover I needed to forgive myself, because truthfully I dragged him back into my life most of the time. Yes-I too, deprived myself of any other closure other than what I fantasized. [

    I will love again; stronger, braver…oh yes I will. 

  • Miho

    The author is one of the most emotionally generous people I have ever met,
    and I’m proud to be his friend.

  • Thank you all for your kind comments, I’m really glad this little story helped 🙂 It was certainly gut wrenching, but it shaped who I am now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.(honestly! :D) Life and loving is a learning in progress, a huge thank you to Tiny Buddha, Lori for making this place of sharing and learning possible.

  • Laurence

    I have only two words : Thank you !

  • Bunkie

    This article is very insightful.  My husband told me 4 months ago that he has fallen out of love with me and said he wanted to break up and get divorced.  I’m still going through the healing process and trying my best to move forward.  The healing process is with me right now.  When my husbands feelings get brought up in my group or I read something that has to do with what “he” is feeling, I become upset and an overwhelming feeling of anger comes upon me.  I think it is mostly because this decision was his choice and not mine.  I’ve been letting go of the anger through yoga and meditation.  One day I will forgive him, become more compassionate, stronger and wiser.  While I cannot think of falling in love again, this article gives me hope that some day that time will come again.

  • Philispig

    I’m proud to have the author as one of my closest friend I’d ever have. His story taught me a lesson on bravery… courage and mostly, on how to love without any reservations. He’s really the kindest man I’ve ever known.

  • I really liked this piece and I think the topic is something nearly everyone has experience with… moving on is one of the toughest things to try to do in life.  One part in particular that stood out to me is this:

    “And know for a fact you are stronger, wiser, and more compassionate from your experiences.”

    I think it’s important to note that compassion and wisdom don’t automatically come from tough experiences like losing a loved one.  Going through something that heart-wrenching can easily result in closed-mindedness and bitterness.  It’s up to us to make the conscious choice to “soften” and be more compassionate after we’ve survived something so awful.  Many people do not choose to take that path and instead harden themselves to supposedly protect themselves from future harm.  It takes a lot of strength for someone to survive a loss and not let it colour their lives in a negative way.  For me personally, choosing to stay “soft” and open after tough experiences has made all the difference in the world.  It takes constant work, though, even through less difficult times.

  • I forgot to mention that I loved that you were inspired by Vanessa Carlton’s song when you wrote this piece!  I have been obsessed with her new album ever since the day it came out!

  • Foragreatseal

    ” Remember that everybody hurts ” …….. is absolutely false !. I married what I believe is a no consceince, sociopath. They are charming and act emotions very well but they dont feel them. They don’t hurt but they hurt and use others with abandon. They are hollow and cold inside, I felt it when it showed it’s real self. Beware, Evil people do exist !

    ” the meeting of two individuals and their eventual parting isn’t the fault of one. ” That is rubbish too !

    I takes two people for there to be relationship. If one person leave, the relationship ends, not because the remaining person did anything. The person just left for entirely their own reasons.

  • Anonymous

    Yea! Loss hurts and that’s okay. We just have to make sure the level of hurt we create around it honestly reflects the level of loss. And that requires that we look at all parts of the relationship (or whatever the loss is.) What is was, yes, but as importantly, what it was not.

    Big hugs to you and here’s to letting go of hurt and moving into freedom to fully reclaiming life and love!

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  • Angie

    Thank you!

  • “Admitting what didn’t work can never negate the things that did work. The parts of the relationship that were beautiful and loving will always remain beautiful and loving. Love is real even if it doesn’t last, and nothing can change that.”

    this- this is the key!  i’ve had to talk myself out of a bad spot these past few weeks.  i recently fell in love with a person who loves me back, equally, in a way i never knew existed.  neither of us are in a position that makes being in a relationship easy right now.  i’m well aware that although we are in love, that doesn’t necessarily mean we’re going to be together forever and that everything will work out all disney.  instead of worrying about this, i’ve had to teach myself to appreciate what i have right now, which is infinitely more than i ever thought possible.  and if it doesn’t work, that doesn’t diminish the feelings i am experiencing right now, and if i so choose, they can continue to be as positive and profound and meaningfully real in the future (whatever may happen) as they are in this present moment.

    people change, and emotions change, but history does not, and we are, every day, history in the making.  and even if i do end up with my happy ending, the nature of our love will inevitably change, but i will still always have the feeling of ‘right now’, because it happened to me, and is now a part of who i am.  

    a tree may fall, but that does not mean it never existed.  the memory of climbing its branches, or sleeping in its shade, or eating of its fruit are just as real as they were when the tree was still standing.  the fact that we can partake in those gifts no more does not take away the gifts we were already given.

  • Anonymous

    Hey Emily,

    I’m so glad my words helped you gain such clarity about your current situation. It sounds like you have a happy and bright future ahead of you whatever life brings your way!

    Have an amazing weekend!

  • Thebunnygeek

    This couldn’t come at a better time.
    After a long friendship but a very brief but intense relationship, he had to break things off with me because of terrible family matters. I jumped to conclusions and assumed he was blatantly rejecting me.
    He hurt me, and like a wounded animal, I hurt him too.
    It’s been two months, and we are both trying to remain friends but every time I see him it tears open my heart a little more. Every comment, every joke and every look seems like an invitation to try again. I can’t tell if it’s my perception making it so, or if this is reality. It’s starting to take a toll on me, and I finally have realized that it would be better to distance myself.
    I’ve come to realize that he’s not incredible, or super-human, or really great looking. But for that short period he was mine and I was his. We shared moments that still haunt me now, and he’s the worst poltergeist in my life.
    Thank you for your article, it’s a comfort to know that out of the billions of people in the world, I’m not the only one grappling with these feelings.

  • joyee

    I love this. What I need.

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  • i had that someone too. took me 7 years to really move on, even though i’ve had other significant others afterwards…. sometimes, we just need to forgive ourselves…

  • Hayx0

    You seem to find words for a situatiion that has caused me to lose them. Thank you for that.

  • Guest K

    This is so unbelievably relevant to me right now.  It’s been months since our relationship took a turn for the worse but the pain is so deep that it feels like it will never end.  Every time I think I’m past it, that I’ve accepted what needed to happen and that moving on is the best option for everyone, I’m sucked back in by the memories and the sadness that it’s all over.  I’ve lost someone I thought was my best friend.  The worst part is feeling like I’m the only one missing what we had because after pouring my heart out and reaching out to talk several times after our last breaking point, I’m now being ignored.  My brain constantly screams things like: “It never meant that much to him” and “You are easy to forget, not even worth missing”.  Reading this article and the comments associated with it definitely help, though – thank you so much.

  • Shrimpcocktail65

    Im new here, actually stumbled upon this site 5 minutes ago, looking for anything i could find to ease this horrible pain in my heart and soul. Thank you so much! I just stopped crying. Ive got a long hard road ahead of me, but this site stopped my tears ive been shedding in my bed for the last 30 minutes. This wont be the last time i cry, But i now know where to turn for words of encouragment and hope. Again, Thank you….. Karen

  • Shrimpcocktail65

    How do i become a member here?

  • Parkinclare

    I feel for you. Thanks for sharing. I can wholeheartedly empathise with you. Stay string. You should feel proud of yourself.

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  • Bob

    It’s been 19 years and I still struggle with that breakup. If I had been young maybe it would be different but I was 41 at the time, I felt like I should have known better. I remember her words and they still sting.

  • @laurajgottlieb

    IMHO: Relationships *never* end. They just change form. The only way I’ve been able to accept the new form is to forgive myself *and* the other person unconditionally and completely — and set them free. By doing so, a new form is allowed to thrive, if only in my heart. This trans*form*ation, allows the heart to open up even more, allowing more love to flow to self and others (which is my reason for being here on this earth, in this body, at this place and time).

    The healing of a broken heart is complex. I’m glad you found a way to heal your own — and by sharing your story, you help heal the hearts of others and humanity. Thank you. <3

  • lemsip

    I’m 4 months post-BU after an 8-year RL. The first few months were the hardest of my life, thought I’d actually need to go to hospital. But I’m starting to come round now, the anxiety is lifting, I’m eating again and I’m trying to look after number 1.

    She strung me along “on a break” for 4 months before meeting someone else and dumping me for him. After 8 years. In that respect, I’m just not ready to forgive. She went about things all wrong, and broke my heart.

    I’m scared this experience will leave me bitter. I don’t want to be, but she crushed me.

  • Chrisroberts21

    Ouch…. Have you not learnt anything from this thread?

  • Megpos23

    I sincerely feel that this entry was constructed solely for me. What I’m going through at this exact moment. What I’m fighting, what I’m trying to embrace without suffocating. I wrote down many sentences from this post onto index cards. Since my experience is so new, so fresh and since closure is on the horizon but not yet in my posession, I need this reassurance. Recently I’ve realized that this burden of disappointment I feel towards him is also a disappointment towards myself, and I’m not taking care of myself the way I would a friend if they were in my same situation.

    Thank you for sharing your words, it means a lot to know I’m not alone and that one day I will be able to see not just the deep set pain but what I can learn from it. 

  • Andrea

    Dear all,
    Like everyone else, this is a very appropriate article for me- perhaps i should have read it alot earlier, but i suppose it’s never too late. All of you have such motivational things to say, but how is it that you really move on? what should i be doing to make the pain go away, to stop missing him, to stop idolizing him and to stop being envious of his new girlfriend?
    We’ve been friends for 3 years and dating for 1. we techincally broke up a year ago, but kept chatting until he started seeing someone else- which came as a shocking  reality check for me. i blocked him out of my life since then, but it saddens me that i’ve lost my friend along with all this emotional ride, and that he has replaced me (the closest person to him for years) with someone else.

  • Moushumi Kumar

    Please dont blame yourself,be fair to yourself,sometimes when people leave without explaining its because they don’t know how to deal with goodbyes or closure.Please forgive her for her shortcomings.Love & friendship should be unconditional.Please honour yourself also not to let this hurt you.Love and forgive.Sometimes when people hurt you or dissapoint you its not about you its about them.Love and honour yourself,as you are truly special,take care

  • Crow

    That is absolutely perfect, and exactly what I finally learned. I thought that if I truly loved someone I should be with them forever, right? But the way I’ve figured it, you don’t have to be with someone to love them in a profound way or for you to have gotten a positive experience or lesson out of the relationship. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that isn’t healthy or compatible and that doesn’t mean you cared any less for them. I can’t put it any more perfectly than you did.

  • Crow

    After posting my comment I thought of another way to put it – being in a relationship with those people was somewhat conditional. My love for them was not.

  • izza24

    I am in the situation that finding answers to “what went wrong”. I really want to keep a positive perspective because i need it the most at this point of time. But I find it hard, I need someone to talk to.

  • Katvitulano

    The hardest part is trying to find someone to talk to. I searched out “professional” help & could not find the right person. The heartache is immense. The comment written above helps me, even to this day. “Love is real even if it doesn’t last”. Read the comments on this thread. They are comforting as you see many others with similar pain. I have found that time is the only thing that can soothe the heart. Do not torment yourself searching for answers. Life is about change, otherwise it isn’t life. I wish you peace and love

  • Fabofive

    This was so wonderfully put. The article was great but you provided a common sense aha moment for me. Thank you!

  • shannonshort

    You are SO welcome! And thanks for giving me the gift of letting me know how my comments helped create a shift for you. That makes my day. 🙂 

  • Antparty

    Bunkie, that’s my story exactly! Our situation was a matter of timing. The relationship was pretty strong, but it was too soon after her divorce. Anyhow, my point is she ended it. And I had ZERO say in her decision. It’s been almost 6 months and I’m still angry about it. I’m seeing my therapist from 13 years ago who helped me through another difficult break up. What I want to do is to see her with compassion. But I think about her and get angry. But I’m a work in progress so I will get up and breathe every day. Good luck to you!

  • Christine

    I wish I was not in the relationship before. At least I’m not that hurts. 

  • lvm3012

    My husband left me just a month and a half ago for my best friend and I’m still in a lot of pain. Hearing about the things he does with her and knowing they are together tears away at me very day, we have two kids together sink have to see him all the time and that is so hard.
    I know it’s still very fresh but things made me realize that mate one day I will forgive and move on. I don’t want this to break me, I want to be able to find love again.

  • Lvm3012

    I read this and couldn’t help but cry. My husband left me and our two kids for my best friend a month and a half ago. The pain is unbearable, the thought of them together haunts me.
    Your piece is beautiful and it speaks to me in so many ways. I hope one day I can forgive and move on and this piece gives me hope that it is possible.

  • dostempranos

    I recently experienced a re-awakening of a love from long ago, However we’ve backed off the relationship because of the untenable position we are both in. Your thoughts have helped me immeasurably. Although the pain is often still overwhelming, I think I see a glimmer of light. I’ve not been so self absorbed since I was a teenager and I am ashamed of that. What we had for that speck of time was glorious and unexpected. It is now a better part of me than our previous relationship. Thank you.

  • Lemuel

    One unanimous conclusion I have come to is that there is no avoiding the anguish of how so many years of togetherness can be extinguished in that one moment of realization. Being left behind brings a feeling of loneliness that feels like nothing I’ve ever experienced. Hearing the blow dryer in the morning, the keys at the door, the quiet companionship of an ever-present female presence in my home. All of this gone in a split second when it took years to get there. I have worked it out in my mind, discussed it with close friends and family, come to terms with my loss and yet the weight grows heavier in my heart. There is nothing like it and it serves only as a reminder that I am still alive. I know that I should be thankful but it I don’t feel that way. Instead I fear my mind and heart will betray me those irrational unending thoughts that plague my days and dreams at night. I fear the time that I have read it took others to recover.

  • KC

    I stumbled upon this post when I felt ready to forgive both him and I. I started to cry when I read this post because I identified so strongly with everything that was said-all the pain, wanting closure, trying to regain all that I lost in myself…until this point I realized my “love’s” position in my life-which was to remind me of who I am, my strength, my significance, my existence-only I can validate my existence and significance. Sometimes we must lose ourselves in order to find ourselves again and I am truly blessed for having such an intense love to bring me closer to these realizations. I don’t need to let him know what he did when he walked away. It took months to regroup. I can love him for what he was and who he is now; and I can love myself enough to forgive myself and move on. Thank you

  • Danae

    Excellent advice and words of wisdom. Mine felt like a soul mate. Mine was as if mourning a dead friend. I knew what that was like as I had lost my mother at 17. I still feel sad, I still miss “us.” I am remarried and have children. I was only 19 when I met my love lost. Still nothing compares to what I felt/had with him–even after all of these years. It’s a feeling I ignore/fight every day. I wish it would all fade away or be replaced with an even more enriching relationship with my current husband. Things aren’t always so cut and dry are they?

  • Amy

    I was terribly depressed after the last breakup. I was wandering everywhere for peace but I finally found that’s inside me. Each of these posts help me a lot to stick with my life. Thank you so much. This means a lot to me. Every single line describes me Hong. Thank you.

  • Victoria

    So so true.

  • lisa

    That is absolutely perfect, and exactly what I finally learned. I thought that if I truly loved someone I should be with them forever..

    thanx for helping..

  • john

    I feel exactly the same way. I’ve moved on but I can never forget. I miss her so much

  • christie

    I made a terrible mistake of judgment and became emotionally involved with a coworker. Not only was he a coworker he was married we dated for almost a year. I became pregnant early in our relationship and had an abortion. recently I became pregnant again and had to have a D&C due to complications. While I thought we were both in love, spending all of our time on and off work together, he finally told me he can’t give me what I deserve and that its best that we quit talking. I know that two wrongs don’t make a right but my heart is crushed. I have to go back to work after my medical leave and I will see him again. I just am so hurt. I know neither she nor I deserve this but I’m having a hard time waking away.

  • Love makes life easier and quiet peaceful. Vashikaran mantra for love
    is dominant mantra to get lost back love. Love specialist Guru ji gives the mantra
    to get the lost love life back.

  • j

    My first love already had a long distance bf from highschool, we fell for eacother, like you spending everymoment but over winterbreak, she decided her feelings had changed. and that ultimatley, i had reaffrimed her love for her boyfriend. my situation is weak compared to yours, but i can appreciate the midnight cries and lost dreams.

  • Mixhelle

    I feel like I move on
    But somehow I just find myself in tears and thinking of him
    What was lost and even if am the one who ended it because that is where it’s coming to anyway. It hurts me tremendelously and it still hurts. And I keep saying to myself I have move on am trying to convince myself really.
    I hope someday I will it’s been 8 months that we broke up.

  • Each word here do means a lot, either in the comment or the entry itself. Thank you. :’)

  • RUTH

    I was once a happy, vibrant person. People used to say I had a ‘glow’. And then I became sad and hopeless and in pain. My husband was the cause of this all. He left me with kids and no help at all. He went in with other women for a year till someone told me about Within a month my husband was back begging for my forgiveness. For the past 6 months, we’re happy now, more than ever before

  • Rima

    what I learned from my last break up is that :
    – love is not real,
    – never love anyone as you love yourself (or more than),
    – you have to be mean to the person you are with,
    – there no such a thing called soulmate

  • Rima

    and i do not agree with the opening quote, for me experiencing and losing love was the worst thing that happened to me. I wish I did never get to know the person I fell in love with. I wish I had amnesia, to erase his name and all the things I lived with him (the good and the bad one).

  • Lisa Dumi

    My story is different but the results are the same. Almost six months of obssessive thinking that left me stuck and dibilitated. I’ve read a lot to help me deal with the pain; seeking an end to the pain. This is the only thing I’ve read, and I’ve read a lot, that nails it perfectly. What I feel and a way to adjust the angle to not be resentful, sad, and stuck. Permission to still love him. I’m not sure I should still love but maybe I just will for a lifetime, he’ll be in my heart, he just won’t be in my life. I need to accept that he did what he needed to do for himself and it was outside the realm of wanting to hurt me. His words hurt, and he did not give me closure, I want to erase those thoughts of wanting and wishing the end was different. I was told there is no good end to a relationship. I have a fantasy there could be, but maybe not.

  • karen

    wow your story made me realise sth HUGE today. thank you 🙂

  • kaa

    wow i love what you said. this line makes me accept things more the way it is now,

    “I’ve come to realize that he’s not incredible, or super-human, or really
    great looking. But for that short period he was mine and I was his. We
    shared moments that still haunt me now, and he’s the worst poltergeist
    in my life.

  • kaa

    good come back

  • kaa

    well said. emotionally generous is the word

  • Louise

    I’ve had my heart broken twice within the past 5 years. The first one i never got closure from and the second one i did…i think it is incredibly hard to move on as a person if you do not know where it went wrong. i spent months trying to find the reasons as i laid in bed at night asking myself what did i do or where it went wrong hindsight i never did get my reasons for it ending…i had to just ‘get over it’ as it were…took a while but in the end i got there. my 2nd heartbreak was recently …we were together for 2 years and i know exactly why it ended i know exactly why i was unhappy…i am into my 1st month of being single and i can honestly say at this point with my first heartbreak i was unable to even wake up in a morning this time i have hardly cried, there has been no contact at all on my part and i am meeting up with new friends, going to pub quizzes again, going on spa days, booking holidays with my best friend…i’m reading self help books and enjoying my alone time, it’s incredibly lonely and it does hurt when i see my ex speaking with the girls i had insecurities over but in the end…I was unhappy and I tried to work on the relationship, he chose to give up. That is something i need to remember…that i wasn’t the first one to give up…i take pride in the fact i was honest and communicated my issues, he was the one to just stop trying…maybe to him i wasn’t good enough or whatever but his life, his feelings and his behaviour or actions no longer concern me. It’s not about them anymore its about me…he is probably doing the same thing…I don’t want to know if he misses me or that he regrets his decision…everything i value in my life is not evolving around him anymore and i think it is crucial for single people to realise that being single is not a bad thing…it’s not the end of a chapter its actually a new book entirely written by them!! I’m no love expert but the fact i’ve had my heart broken twice…goes to show that you do actually love again…in time.

  • dellczar

    I feel your pain Lisa. I’ve been separated from my wife for 2 months now. It’s been a day to day battle, emotions, no contact, etc. Never knew I had such strong emotions, I’ve always been the tough/rough type of guy. Geez, life must go on somehow.

  • Catherine Berg

    I was settling and that is not me. You are right what worked and did not work. I am letting go of the love that did work and I am no longer putting up with the love that did not work. It hurts because I made the decision not to keep the good things and I will not go back to the bad things as they did not make me happy mentally as I was yearning to be loved as a woman and he wanted to be the cave man. He never hit me just hurt my heart and my heart is done……………………………………………………..

  • Alizey Ali

    hy please i need help .. will u please ? i want to get over my ex … it’s been almost 3 years i am stucked …

  • Candace

    How does this work if you were led to believe you were the only girl in his life to find out later he had a true girlfriend and many other side women as well? I would love to forgive him and move on and hope beyond hope I find someone but I’m hurting inside. I was led to believe that when I moved closer that he would have a relationship with me.

  • Guest

    Very expressive indeed!

  • premalsolanki

    I found my love but cant exper in front of her…..
    Bcoz when im in front of her … my body shewers n talk all nonses front of her … can u plzz help me out …

  • Aiyush

    It does really stink when there is no “closure”. Some people are just afraid of confrontation, hence they use the silent treatment. Hoping that time will heal all problems. I think when faced with such a situation, one has to completely let go. Don’t blame yourself or anyone else, just forgive and forget. If you try to analyze what went wrong or keep re-running events in your mind, you can never move on.

  • Jagatheesan Chandrasekharan

    While this country profess 1st,2nd,3rd,4th rate athmas (souls) and the
    Untouchables having no soul and could be ill treated, Buddha never
    believed in any soul. He said all are equal. Hence DR Ambedkar wanted
    all in this Jambudipa to return back to their original home Buddhism.
    Kanshiram wanted the smae and now Mayawati is following this tradition
    for Sarvajan Hitaye Sarvajan Sukhaye i.e., for Peace, welfare and
    happiness of all societies. To achieve this all the fraud EVMs have to
    be replaced with fool proof voting as followed by all the 80 democracies
    of the world. Till such time all Central and State Governments selected
    through these fraud EVMs must be scrapped. The Supreme Court had
    ordered to replace all these fraud EVMs while the ex CJI committed a
    grave error of judgement to replace them in phases as suggested by the
    ex CEC Sampath because of the Cost (Rs1600 crores) involved in replacing
    them with fool proof voting system. Again the Supreme Court must order
    for replacement of all fraud EVMs. Till such time the world will not
    recognise any fraud activity of the Murderers of deadmocrytic institutions (Modi)

  • frognebula

    I once loved a man. We are really good friends. He’s like a brother to me. Whenever I have troubles I ran to him. I never felt love before so I really do not know if it’s love I have felt back then. But today I am most certain. Too late he is in love with another girl. I never see him that happy before. He is smiling more than ever. I learned that to love a person also means letting him go. If that what makes him happy, then I would just gladly accept it. But do you know, it hurts.XD..I didn’t know that it hurts this much. It’s my first time to fall in love and this happens. I’m a complete mess, I do not know these stuff, never studied it. It’s way too hard than my exams plus it hurts so much.

  • Rebecca

    Hi! Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years. 1.5 years ago I moved out of our apartment to pursue a graduate degree in another city, and we promised ourselves we would work through it and stay together. We see each other every week. He is very closed emotionally, so we dont talk about how we are feeling much. I could tell the intimacy was fading, and when I tried to bring it up, he said he wanted to break up. He said he loved my personality and wanted to keep our friendship the way it was, but that he no longer was in love with me and can not see us moving back in together. He was crying and said I was still important to him and he wanted us to stay in each others lives as much as we already are, but give up on the relationship. The worst part is that he did not want to talk about it, and HE started the no contact for 30 days, and said after that we could touch base. Of course I freaked out and begged him to open his heart to the possibility we could work together to get the intimacy back, since we never fight and nothing else is wrong. I immediately caved the next day, and texted him. His response was the he wanted the month break (no longer the final break up, but he might have been being nice), and did not want to have to ignore me so asked me to please stick to it. He also said that he would keep thinking about it and be open. Then he said he would be thinking about me.

    Since then I have written countless letters that I have not sent to him, and am just planning on what to say to him when the 30 days is over. I am trying to focus on bettering myself as an individual, but is it silly for me to think this can be saved? He does not think it is the distance, but I think this is one of those things people need to fight through together. Am I wrong, is his no contact rule just a way out for him? Could there be hope and when does it become pathetic to keep wanting to try and rekindle that flame?

  • kirby

    Hello my Name is Kirby from USA I want to share a testimony on how this great man DR dada help me I was HIV positive it was confirm I have be in several hospital but no one can cure it one day I was browsing through the Internet I saw a testimony on how DR dada from Africa help a man call Ajay Sam so I contact him and i told him I have HIV he tell me not to worry that he will help me to cast it out that I should give him two days and he tell me what to do and I do it after two days he told me to go for test that I’m cure so I went to hospital to my greatest surprise I was HIV negative I’m the happiest girl in the world thank you DR dada he cure any type of disease his email is drdadaspiritualtemple@gmail.

  • Saebin Sabrina Yi

    I feel like I was in a similar situation, but it lasted for 4 years rather than 6 months (the relationship lasted for 7.5 years). The thing is he did the same thing as the person above: refused to talk about why it was over, even though there were a lot of things we could have talked about. He said he had been thinking it about it for a long time, but if he had been, there should have been things to say.

    The thing is, when we get involved in relationships, it’s not just about having this place where we act in raw, inexplicable ways. When people are together, they make plans together, they build lives together. When someone is deciding to leave, to honor that love, they observe a responsibility to explain why they can no longer go on, or why they will no longer go on.

    In my case, I think I was left because he wanted “someone better” in his opinion, and just didn’t want to admit to it. But if he had, it would have made things very clear. And yes, it would have made him look bad — but it would have set me free to know there was nothing else I could do.

    I should also note that in the following two years the few conversations that we had ended with him telling me “I love you,” which confused me about whether there was still hope. And he also had a tendency for blaming me for “making him look like a bad guy.”

    While it’s a nice idea to forgive people, we do also need to recognize when they do it wrong, and when it maximizes pain to others. Forgive him? Sure. Forget? Yes.

    But we ought to recognize when a person has failed to be honest, and to live up to his commitments and hold him accountable to that. He chose to be a “bad guy” and that was not my doing….that was his.

  • Ashley

    I recently have been broken up with, tomorrow will mark two weeks. I have never felt so horrible in my life – i fall asleep fine, but once I wake up then all the thoughts come rushing back in. I try to get out and hangout with my friends, but all I can think about is him. I try and try to read articles all day long so I can relate to them and hopefully can come across some miracle to just get over this yucky feeling.

    This feeling is so intense, I feel like I’m constantly panicking. I want to call him and ask why is he putting me through this?! The reason we broke up is because he ‘fell out of love’. It burns and it replays over and over in my head. I know I had a lot of faults in the relationship, I was way too jealous and I know he has told me before that I need to learn how to trust him. Which I should… I just had this fear of being hurt. I keep blaming myself over and over again for this relationship not working.

    I keep reading articles saying that you will have to get over the grief but to let it out. I’m sick of feeling so empty. I don’t understand how he could do this. We lived together, and I still have all my stuff at the apartment that I need to get.

    I ended up blocking his number and blocking him on all my social media because I can’t handle talking to him. I do want to call him and ask him why he did this, why he could just pick up and leave. The Friday after the breakup- I went back to the apartment. I begged for him back and cried to him, he didn’t care. He kept asking me why I came to the apartment that I need to leave because I am only hurting myself. I went through his phone… I saw a text from back in August of him asking a woman if she made it home okay. And gave her a “goodnight and be safe beautiful” text. This broke my heart into pieces. He always wanted me to trust him but I never saw this until after we broke up. I don’t know how to move on… I wish it was easy. I know it takes time… but what if I don’t get over him. What if he moves on and I’m still hurting?! What if no other guy wants me… no other guy will be him. I only wanted him…. I waited for him over seas, I tried spicing up the relationship. I cared for him so deeply.. when he was hurt – I was hurt.

    Please… does anyone know how I can get over this? How can the love be lost… what do I do?

  • LongLostInLove

    I am waiting for that day I will be able to move on. Its more than a year now and it still hurts the same…

  • scott will

    Nobody can ever give any advice that will ever work to anybody who isn’t with the person they want to be with

  • juvus

    I wish I had a confrontational breakup so many years ago, but instead I got “love stuck in stasis.” Two people who love each other one day wake up and are loving each other from far distances, and have no idea how it happened.

    I would have loved to break some dishes and slam some doors. There is something to be said about the value of a nasty breakup.

  • santiago

    And what should i do that since i lost her about 15 years back i can’t move on. can’t forget her. daily cry for her. Panic even if i try to forget her. i mean i feel ive lost her but i dont want to loose her memories… i think ill die crying for her.

  • John turner

    I was dumped by my gf of 4yrs over a fight. She drinks and didn’t come home. I yelled at her, and overnight I lost her , her 3 kids, and my home. I can’t wrap my mind around her jsut shutting off her emotions and throwing me away. I’m 35. Nevr married no kids and have a small business she’s 39 and bartends and has a 6 yr old boy, and 8 yr old from ex husband, and 13 yr old from a bf who left when she was pregnant. I’ve had a hard breakup b4 but inside this feels different and like it’s a mistake so I can’t let go. it’s like the More I try the less she likes me and treats me as if I’m jsut some dude she kinda knows. She has drank 5 of the past 7 nights, last night got home st 4 am. Saturday throwing up drunk. Y wud she be upset if this is ehst she has chosen. I’m seeing s counselor to try and better myself , she refuses any counseling and won’t admit her drinking is a major issue. I love her and her kids and I know love isn’t evruthing but it feels wrong to just let her walk away without showing her how much I will do to make this last forever. Any thoughts or advice? I’m exhausted and hurt.

  • Jeff

    I feel your pain, but one thing I’ve learned was that nothing can last forever. We must come to a state of acceptance of the reality all the while loving + forgiving oneself and others and curiously wait for the new springs life will inevitably bless us with 🙂

  • Darlene Winslet

    How do I accept the unresolved ending of a relationship? I’m having major difficulties with that and it’s causing great sadness.