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7 Crucial Steps to Minimize Drama in Your Life

No Man is an Island

“When you are not honoring the present moment by allowing it to be, you are creating drama.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high.

One day, we’d be codependent and attached at the hip, sending incessant play-by-play emails throughout the workday like one too many notes in class.

The next day, we’d be dragging each other by the hair into a heap of combined emotional issues, complete with nasty suspicions, unfounded accusations, and a dramatic reconciliation that would inevitably be short-lived.

Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after it’s cut off. Things weren’t much different with the men I dated.

For a long time, I lamented all the damaging relationships I’d been in, as if I was some kind of victim who always got the short end of the stick.

Then one day I realized there was a reason I always found myself in dramatic relationships: I was attracted to drama like a moth to a flame.

Chaos was the status quo for the majority of my life, and when it wasn’t there, I panicked. I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.

The things I said and did contradicted because it was easier to blame the world and stay the same than it would be to really see myself and make a change.

You might not be a recovering drama queen like me, but you’ve probably encountered your share of relationship histrionics.

Maybe your close friend has as many catastrophes as there are days of the week. Maybe you’re the person everyone calls with their problems. Or maybe you unknowingly turn small issues into major crises and you’d like to stop feeling so overwhelmed.

Whatever the case, you probably have at least a little drama in your life that you’d like to minimize.

With this in mind, I recently asked on the Tiny Buddha Facebook page: How do you minimize drama in your life? I took a sampling of the 183 responses and formulated this guide to diffusing drama:

1. Recognize when you might be creating drama.

You get what you put out. If you act in a way that is positive and minimal drama, you attract the same kind of positive situations and people. ~April Myers

Drama usually comes from my reaction to other people’s actions. I stop to think: Does this really matter in the long run, or am I just trying to be right? ~Anita Grimm-Hohl

I minimize drama within myself. When I’m focused and calm, so is the world around me. ~Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt

Take if off the page:

If there’s drama in multiple areas of your life, be honest with yourself—you’re the constant. Are you creating it? We don’t do anything repeatedly unless there’s something in it for us, so, what’s the payoff?

Are you looking for attention or excitement? Did you grow up with drama and you just plain feel best when there’s some around you?

Now aim to find alternative solutions. If you’re looking for attention, can you get it more directly? If you’re bored, what new adventure can create in your life?

2. Change your perspective.

Be happy about little things, let the big stuff go because I can’t change any of it. ~Grace Foo

I zoom out in my mind to a point far enough away and above so that I can see things in my life for what they are. By doing this, I can see from a distance how small and unimportant the situation is in the big scope of the universe. ~Larry Stilts

Is this situation going to matter a year from now? If not, it’s not worth worrying about. ~Angela Orr

Take it off the page:

A lot of the drama takes place in our own heads, and it’s usually because we’re too deeply immersed in a difficult situation to recognize it isn’t as dire as it seems.

If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by a situation, step back and realize this feeling isn’t permanent—nothing is. Then focus on action steps—on the things you can control. What can you today to proactively create a solution?

3. Don’t feed into other people’s drama.

Build a reputation for not participating in drama. ~Addy Rodriguez

Just be. Anything you resist persists. Don’t add any negative or positive focus on it. ~Nikki Star

Speak less, listen more. You have time to hear and see the drama and sidestep it. ~Alexis Benjamin‎

Be an observer. Not everything needs a reaction. ~Angelina PhouGui Chan-Ong

Take it off the page:

If someone repeatedly comes to you with catastrophes, give yourself a window of time when you’ll listen, and then take care of your own needs by walking away. Also, resist the urge to jump into a pity party. Oftentimes people calm themselves down when other people don’t validate their complaints.

Lastly, focus on your breath. Your calming energy may even help them let go.

4. Reconsider unhealthy relationships.

Minimize dramatic people in your life. ~Jeff Palmer

Befriend only people with good energy that don’t promote or create drama. ~Carmen Portela

I realize that spending time by myself is always preferable to spending time with someone who wants drama. Nothing wrong with a dull day. ~Stephanie Goddard

Remove the source of drama from my life. It really is that simple. ~Claudia Jacobs

Take it off the page:

Take an inventory of which people in your life leave you feeling stressed and unhappy more often than not. If you don’t want to completely remove a toxic relationship, minimize the time you spend together.

If you don’t want to change how often you see each other, recognize drama triggers. When the conversation moves toward her horrible mother, steer it somewhere else.

5. Be clear and straight with other people.

Be as open and honest and communicative as possible. Listen without reacting. ~Faith McGregor

If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama! ~Kristie Sherman

Drama comes about because of either misunderstanding or overreaction. Be as honest and open in all cases as possible. Quell your own negative emotions, which will in turn diffuse the negative emotions of others. ~Vito Ruiz

Take it off the page:

A lot of drama comes from poor communication and confusion. Eliminate it by finding the courage to say exactly what you mean. It may be harder in the moment, but it can save a lot of heartache in the long run.

On the flip side, let people know that they can be honest with you. If someone thinks they need to walk on eggshells around you, they’ll likely hold things in—but they will come out eventually, if not in words, in resentful actions.

6. Be slow to label something as “drama.”

When it comes to people you know you love, always take an extra moment to reconsider, if the “problem” is actually a problem, if it’s worth making a big deal out of it. ~Christian Andersen Hauge

I realize that life is a roller-coaster and my problems are much like others’ at different times. ~Margaret I. Gibson

Love them a little more. It’s who they are. It might even be you. ~Ed Pulsifer

Don’t speculate, good or bad. Simply deal with what’s actually in front of you. ~Michael Stodola

Take it off the page:

Sometimes what we’re labeling as drama is just someone who really needs us. Instead of expelling mental energy judging the situation as good or bad, focus on being there and being a friend in the moment.

Then be a friend to yourself and let the drama go when you walk away.  A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.

7. Learn from drama.

I attempt to allow the inevitable episode, extract any potential meaning or lesson, and equally allow it to pass. ~Joel Olmstead

I try to see the learning experience in the drama. And I think of the sentence “Without rain you can’t enjoy the sunny days.” ~Anja Feijen

Accept it, learn from it, and go on with life. ~Vincent Neerings

Take it off the page:

Sometimes it seems like drama happens to us, and we’re powerless to remove ourselves from the cause. Another perspective is that every time we find ourselves immersed in something that seems overwhelming, we have an opportunity to learn how to deal with challenges better.

Life will always involve mini fires that we feel desperate to put out. If we can learn not to fan them, they may actually be able to light our way.

Some of the Facebook responses were slightly edited for spelling; some were part of longer responses with more detail.

Photo by Sebastian Fritzon

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Tiny Buddha Founder Lori Deschene is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an eCourse that helps you change your life. She's now seeking stories for her next book, 365 Tiny Love Challenges from Tiny Buddha. Click here to share your story and follow on Facebook for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • http://winewillfixit.blogspot.com Winewillfixit

    “Shortly after one toxic friendship eroded, I found a new one, like a mythological creature that regenerates its head immediately after its cut off.”

    Right on. It’s funny how we make the leap to end one unhealthy relationship and another one pops up. Great post. Definitely made me think!

  • jan

    I’m printing this out and passing it on to my college age daughter. Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/taught2think Declan O Flaherty

    I have to admit that i used to be a drama queen myself when i was younger. I would create arguments out of nothing just so i could shout at someone. My mum used to tell me all the time to stop but i wasn’t consciously aware of what i was doing at the time. Apparently i was the same in my relationships because i met my ex girlfriend again after 12 years and she told me i used to be so angry and argumentative. I thought i was just a passionate guy but as i got a little older and wiser i could see the error of my ways.

    These days I’m quite the opposite and have become a very spiritual person. I think it was a combination of growing up, admitting i was drama queen and taking responsibility for my actions. I see the good in every situation now, i work on myself daily and the girlfriend i mentioned above, who is once again a part of my life, says that I’m ever so meek these days.

    Loved this post Lori, i always enjoy reading your articles.

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  • http://www.lauramusgrave.co.uk/blog Laura

    Utterly brilliant, Lori… the words of wisdom from yourself and the TB contributors are all spot on. Thank you!

  • http://www.twitter.com/heartonsleevexx heartonsleeveweakatknees

    This is something I’ve been working on a lot over the last couple of years. I think I’m in a much better place than I was.

    Today I was on a train back from work & I overheard a young guy going full-bent drama queen over something. He was speaking very loudly (not sure if this was on purpose) and going into the minutia of the issue that he had at full volume, with a high dose of melodrama. It made me smile because it reminded me how easy it is to be that person – it’s much easier to slide into melodrama and drama-queen mode than it is to take a real look at yourself, and be your essential self — not the self you project to protect yourself.

  • toxicsisterswhoneedsthem?

    After dealing with a toxic sister for all my life I have finally cut her from my life…as awful as it sounds it actually felt really really good! She was a drama queen, so angry about everything and always blaming someone for something. She would have a problem with everyone, other siblings, our parents, workmates, housemates, even going to dinner was an issue as it would be the end of the world as the meal was never to her standard. SHe was a huge sulker, even going out with people who all had something in common, like a hobby or a profession and they would talk about it she would get sulky and angry as it didn’t involve her. I got to the point I didn’t care and shrugged it off. I couldn’t breathe without her issuing me an infringment notice for living! After a series of emails where she accused me of things I didn’t do (I even apologised to keep the peace) and making mountains out of molehills sort of things, she kept at me kept at me and kept at me…what was she trying to do? I showed two people who know what she is like and close to her and they said to cut her from my life as she is a toxic/jealous person. I am so glad they told me this, it confrimed what I had always thought. I did cut her from my life and I am happy with that decision, for my sanity and my heatlh…who needs someone in their life who wants to constantly hurt them and keeps at them trying to bring them down? After years of put-downs, walking on egg shells, being careful of what I say (even things not related to her in conversation she would take offence!) and being careful of what looks I gave…I am now free and couldn’t be happier. I refused to play into her drama of playing a victim. One day I hope she changes, I do want her to be happy but not at other people’s expense!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can imagine how hard it was to make that decision, but it sounds like you did the right thing for you. I’m glad you’re feeling a lot more peaceful now, and I hope that your choice inspires your sister to reconsider the way she engages with people. Thanks for reading and sharing your story!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Absolutely! I leap-frogged from one to the next with no real sense of the bigger picture. Self awareness is everything. Thanks for reading–I’m glad this made you think!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks Declan. I could relate to everything you wrote, especially the part about thinking you were just a passionate person. Time and perspective can make a world of difference!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think it really does take a conscious effort. When I see someone getting all worked up, clearly ready to snap, it reminds me of how miserable I feel when I make mountains out of molehills. It’s emotionally and physically exhausting! Almost like a grown up tantrum.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you! What a wonderful thing to read. =)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • toxicsisterswhoneedsthem?

    Thank you Lori! And a big Thank you for writing this article. I especially like this you wrote, “A lot of the drama we experience in life comes from our interpretations of the things we experience—particularly after the moments have passed.” It reminds meof this analogy by the Dalai Lama which I read in the Art of Happiness (at least I think it was that book!). It was about being cut off when driving, and the driver was angry, got all worked up and abusive. The person who did the cutting in is oblivious to what they have done let alone how angry the other driver is, This driver goes on their merry way. The driver who got cut off is hurting him/herself immensely physically and mentally as they are putting their whole body through stress as their reaction.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I actually read that book last year, and I remember that part. It’s so true! Sometimes I think we feel justified in our anger and then just stew in it, like we’re entitled to it–completely forgetting that it’s not something we actually want. I try to remember this when I start getting worked up over something beyond my control.

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  • Silasbrownrocks

    I had a similar situation with my older sister and decided to stop all communication. I feel so much better, too! Thank you for your post. It helps to know that there are other people who have had to make the same difficult choices for their own happiness.

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  • Kandijane

    know yourself , know what you need and you want and the differences of each, love is a many splendored things- it takes a many things to get you to a point, what is love to you, don’t be rushed in any situation, when it comes to relating to a potenial partner, get to kow them and you,with them.

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  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose AlannahRose

    In general, I wouldn’t say I was attracted to drama or that I created it, but this sentence definitely caught my attention:

    “I didn’t feel comfortable unless I was fighting someone, or at the very least, fighting myself.”

    I am 39, and only last year in therapy did I finally see that I had been fighting my whole life (sometimes for basically no reason at all!). I just finally reached the point where I was SO TIRED and didn’t have it in me any more. That’s when I started to realize that it was not my job, responsibility or even necessary to make someone accept who I am, or hear what I was saying or anything else. I always felt like there was chaos around me because I didn’t have it in me to just let go and stop fighting all the time. Everything was a battle, and nothing was easy and I couldn’t ever figure out why. I finally understood that if someone wasn’t willing to see who I am, or listen to what I have to say, then I could just move on. Even with family or romantic relationships. I can only try so hard before I just have to admit there’s nothing more I can do and then go my merry way! For all those years, I’d thought that my existence was dependent on people accepting me, and so few did that I developed this huge “me vs. the world” attitude. I couldn’t understand why other people went along quietly and even peacefully when I didn’t even seem to be allowed to exist!

    Needless to say, the lesson of letting go/giving in/stopping the “fight” was absolutely necessary for my sanity, and my growth as a person. It’s funny how simple it seems when I look back on it, but it was something I had to learn in my own way and I’m grateful I was finally able to stop the cycle!

    Great topic, and really helpful points/solutions as well. Another very relevant article for me! Thanks, Lori!

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  • http://www.facebook.com/vprehn Victoria Prehn

    I absolutely love your blog, and this post for me is a real standout.  As the Buddha says, when one begins to advance along the path, things will naturally fall way like leaves on a tree (and sadly old friendships will get caught in the mix).  Sometimes, it’s hard to explain to family (or your old friend) why this friendship is no longer being pursued, but I must believe that certain friendships were meant for a season, and a rare few, for a lifetime.  If a friendship is based on nothing other than gossip and drama, it’s time to drop it … It may hurt for a while, with a great sense of loss, but I have faith that the opening will be filled by more enlightened friends, the start to your true sangha.  A quick question for you …  I have your blog coming through via RSS feed on MyYahoo page, but for some reason, your RSS address is no longer being recognized … any suggestions?  I’m glad I had you bookmarked, as I needed a bit of wisdom today; otherwise, I might have missed this great content.  Namaste :)

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Victoria! I’ve definitely had my share of dramatic friendships, and I find that as I grow, I continue to attract and create healthier relationships.

    Thank you for letting me know about the RSS issue. I actually have someone working on a new feature for the site, and I think he accidentally did something that created a problem with the RSS page. I’m working to fix the issue ASAP!

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  • Crescentmoon

     I had two sisters, both older who were both filled with drama, but they drank and did drugs, I havent. I recently cut the other one out a few months ago about a year and half after other one due to it all. It hurt and I miss them both, but they were so toxic. A counselor said they seemed jealous of me. I never considered that. To me that feels conceited.

  • KKZ

    So, question on Point 4, asked because of some drama that’s unfolded in my relatively non-dramatic life over the past few days – what if the unhealthy relationship is between you and your mother? It’s not so bad that I want to cut her out of my life, that seems cruel. But she is one of the more consistent (not constant, but consistent) sources of drama in my life, and one of the few people who can suck me into such drama because she knows exactly how to push my buttons. 

    Any tips on this? We live an hour apart and don’t see each other often but have been in a habit of communicating regularly through email since I was in college. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi KKZ,

    I understand. I have some family members who push my buttons too! My question for you:

    How do you respond to the drama? A therapist once told me that we can’t change how people act; we can only change how we respond to them.

    I wrote a “tiny post” that you may helpful (and also, some of the comments may help):

    http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-the-relationships-we-wish-would-improve/

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • jenn

    I had a really big argument with my mother yesterday and everything that is in this article she said to me, with some other low blows..with her ii feel like the drama is always at a 10. I always want to get my point across and maybe I just have to get over that were not gonna meet half way. we don’t have a good relationship, it’s very awkward speaking to her on a day to day basis. maybe this article can be a start for me, maybe then she won’t be imbarassed and disappointed

  • guest0109

    This article is helpful for me because I have been dealing with drama in friendships lately and I have realized I am part of the problem but my friends have also not given me the benefit of the doubt if they “hear” something about me or what I may have said which is hurtful.  I recently had a friend delete me from her life basically based on gossip which told me maybe I don’t need someone like that in my life.  I have actually been happier because of it.  Now my other friend it is still awkward with us and our relationship will not be the same but hopefully it can at least be salvaged. Thanks again for the interesting reading!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m so glad this was helpful to you. I’ve had some friendships that entailed a lot of drama and simply didn’t work, and though it was painful to see them end, it ultimately ended up being the best thing for everyone involved. I hope you’re able to salvage your friendship with the other friend!

  • Womanbeautie

    I can identify with this soo well.

  • Brat

    My girlfriend friend is drama and me and my girlfriend fight becouse of her but my girlfirnd does not see that what do I do shes young im older then she is she acts like a kid and always trying to up one on me becouse shes know her longer

  • http://www.facebook.com/cheryl.little.140 Cheryl Little

    Everyone should read this. Its gives you a reality check. I hopefully can  practice some of this in my life

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad you found this post helpful Cheryl!

  • Lacey

    This is wonderful!! Thank you!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome!

  • I feel ya

    Thank you for posting this. I am currently in a similar situation. I have come to the realization that I can’t do anything to make my sister happy, because she is unhappy. She fundamentally believes that my existence is such a burden and pain to her because it takes attention away from my mom, and she manipulates and abuses my overwhelming desire to have her love, or even like me. That being said, I am terrified to cut her out because I would never want to do that to my mom who actually just had a heart attack and now has a condition. At the very least, I have, for the first time yesterday, articulated how I felt about a particular issue which made me feel better, though she took the viewpoint that how I felt was invalid and really didn’t matter to her. What do you do? I can’t cut her out of my life because I care about who will be affected by this more than my own mental health I guess, but I have made it clear that I will no longer accept or stand for this type of behavior….which may make her cut me out of her life, like she did to our father. I guess if that happens then I will have to accept it and know for certain that she just doesn’t want a relationship with me, which is sad…

  • Ace 2sugar

    That nothing try living with two parents not knowing who is worst your mother or father drama queen or king of drama

  • Ace 2sugar

    Im not saying my is worst than yours but almost 23 years of drAma as result my brothers they have no empathy they pushing me too be less empathic

  • http://twitter.com/CircleSquared4 Circle Squared

    One is best advised to leave the dramas of our lives as we find them, and do our best to find ways to work within them. http://circlesquaredblog.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/the-human-comedy/

  • http://www.facebook.com/Windel.Libra Windel Ramsaran

    Wow! thank you for this article! I had a best friend for 12 years, and he got this new girlfriend and ever since they started going out, she has been causing drama between me and my friendship with my friend!

    She’s always telling him I’m a bad person, I’m a liar, I’m a crook, I’m not an honest person… Every time we suppose to hang out she always makes herself present when it’s suppose to be just the 2 of us, every time I call him to talk on the phone she’s in the background causing problems, and at one point he even tried to help me find a job working for someone and his girlfriend went out of her way to get me fired by telling this lady all stupid lies about me!!!

    I had to take a break from all of this!!! This was stressing me out to the point of having panic attacks and my doctor said this stress was not good for my health… I took a break from our friendship for a few months and than I called him recently just to see how’s he doing and he’s complaining about his girlfriend how she does stupid things like ignore him when her friends are around, belittle him, accuses him of keeping secrets from her, and now she’s complaining to him about his other friends since I took myself out of the picture, saying stuff like “don’t do music with your friends, they just going to steal your music!”

    Every time i try to confront him about his girlfriend, he gets mad and never does anything about it. He calls me “childish” when I just want to know “WHAT DID I DO WRONG WHERE THIS GIRL HAS A PROBLEM WITH ME?!!!” Than he gets engaged to this girl and lies to me saying he’s been seeing other women at his job!!! I don’t understand why he had to lie to me about getting engaged??? I really don’t care what he does with his life, I mean for the past 12 years I’ve known him, all he does is cheats on every women he’s been with!! He’s even gotten 2 women pregnant, his ex girlfriend and his current girlfriend at the same time and they both had abortions in the same month! What you do with your life is your business, all I care about is the truth and I don’t like people causing problems for me for no reasons!

    So a few days ago he said he wanted to put an end to the situation, I told my side of the story, I was on the speaker phone so everyone can hear what I have to say. My only question was “what have I done to this girl to deserve having her trying to ruin my life???” She didn’t want to get on the phone to answer any of the questions I brought up. He said he will call me back to resolve the issue. I’ve waited for hours for him to call me back because I really want to hear what stupid excuses she has to say about me!!! When he called me back he left this stupid dumb message saying “lets just forget everything and let everything go and just move on.” WOW!!! SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH??? AND WHERE IS MY DAMN APOLOGY?!!!

    I was very hurt by that message because yes, I want to resolve everything but also, what did I do wrong? It seems like no one can tell me what I did wrong and he keeps sweeping everything under the rug… If I really did something wrong, than tell me!!! Why complain and not have a legitimate reason for the complaint???

    My friend of 12 years turned out to be an absolute PUNK! I have been there for him, done so much for him, and when his girlfriend started giving me problems for no reason, all he does is makes excuses for everything she does…. It hurts me to death but I cut him off for good now after seeing how he was never a REAL friend to begin with… If he had a problem with my girlfriend, I would have resolved the problem from the beginning. But unfortunately he turned out to be a fake friend who is only friends with you to take what you have to offer and don’t bother to give back. I thought at least we would have valued our friendship enough not to let anything hurt it but after 12 wasted years, I was wrong.

    I am happy to have let go of him because now I feel much better and every morning I wake up it’s like a breath of fresh air.

    After reading this article, I have decided to examine my life and to cut of anything and everything that is causing drama to the point of me suffering from panic attacks… Right now I see a lot of people in my life I have known for years and right now I am going to make the decision to cut off every one because I have been hurt and unhappy for many years and all I do is try to be good to every one even though they have hurt me a great deal… I feel it is not fair that people have really destroyed my happiness even though I wake up every morning trying to make every one happy… Thank you for this article, it has done a great deal of good for me:)

  • Tocarbutyrsrlf

    This is so true. Stepping back and looking.You can only control what you can control.When you hold resentment toward another you are bound to that person or condition by a emotional link that is stronger then steel desolving that link (forgiveness) resolve=no inner turmoil=break the link

  • Kimmeh

    Thank-you Lori!

    For awhile I hadn’t realized I was letting a certain friend feed on my drama, and it came to the point where a different friend pointed it out since I started associating it with positive coddling pretty much. I feel much better accepting their feedback. Never even saw it coming but there it was!

  • Friend_Drama_Pleasehelp???

    Im in the eighth grade and graduation in two months

    I just lost two friends named Ashley and Cornilla, they were talking about me behind my back and made me feel like shit. I lost them both, and it made me feel really depressed for a while. Now they started talking to my best friend Lilly. She told me 3 days ago that she was annoyed at me, but wont tell me what so now she is ignoring me and hasn’t been responding to me talking, emailing, chatting, or texts. I can’t find out why she is “annoyed” at me, but she keeps talking to Cornilla and Ashley. How can I get back Lilly? And talk to her? I really need help, its been creating soo much drama, let alone the fact that my dad is in jail, and my sister cuts herself. Please help me?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there~

    I’m so sorry to hear about what’s been going on with your friends–and your family. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot all at once. Regarding your friend Lily, maybe it would help to send her one long email explaining why this hurts you, how much you miss your friendship, and how you’d appreciate it if she’d let you know why she’s annoyed. She might not respond right away. If she’s decided to “side” with these other two girls who are talking about you, she might be blinded to just how hurtful her actions are right now. So once you send it, you may need to let her go for a bit until she decides she’s ready to respond. Do you have other friends you could spend time with in the meantime?

    I know you mentioned your dad’s in jail and your sister is in a difficult mental state. Is your mom around? Can you talk to her about what’s going on? Or are there any other friends or relatives you trust who you can confide in?

    I remember when I was in junior high I was bullied a lot–and it got so bad that I’d do anything to avoid going to school. I was lost and lonely, and I thought no one cared or understood. In retrospect, I wish I told someone how bad it was and what I was going through. I think if I did, someone would have helped me get through it. In fact, my aunt told me recently she had no idea how bad it was for me back then (after reading my book). Is there anyone who you could let in so they could help you?

    Lori

  • PP

    I think this is what I need to learn myself with some aspects of my life. There has always been drama around me, it used to be other people’s drama but now it I can’t seem to avoid my own problems! It is important to step back and evaluate how important it really is. Ask yourself “will this affect me in a years time?” really helps that. Although to be fair having a disability and people not understanding it is really hard to just ‘let go’.

  • Linda Rhodes

    I’ve found this post so so helpful. Thank you

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome. I’m glad it was helpful to you!

  • Ushma

    Hello!
    Tinybuddha is my favourite sites! All the articles are so great and they make me feel better every time I feel horrible about my life!

    So, I have a problem. Every person that I’ve ever befriended has put me down. I feel so betrayed…..All of my ‘Best friends’ turned out be bad people….I hate hanging out with GROUPS of people because I’m extremely scared they’ll pick on me because that’s what has always happened.
    When I’m sad, they’re all there to help…But I don’t have anybody in my life(Besides my family) that completely understands me.

    I developed anxiety last year and I really wish to be carefree again and I don’t wanna be scared anymore.

    What should I do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ushma,

    I’m glad you’ve enjoyed Tiny Buddha! I can relate to what you wrote about the fear of hanging out in groups of people. Having been bullied as a kid, I felt the same way for a long time. One thing that’s helped me is to challenge my belief that all people will act the same as others have in the past. When I let my guard down a little, I feel less pressured, and it’s easier to relax and enjoy myself. I also find that people respond to me differently when I’m less tense.

    As far as hanging out with people who put you down, well, that’s a whole different story! It sounds like you just haven’t met people who are compatible for friendships. Do you have any hobbies, or do you do anything regularly that allows you to meet like-minded people?

    Lori

  • rockinahardplace

    I want to cut my sister our. She is older then me by 7 years and acts like a young teen not getting her way, needless to say, I also have my mom. It would hurt her if I did this. How can I get the peace needed without hurting my mom.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m sure you’ve put a lot of thought into this, and this might seem like a silly question to ask–but have you talked to your sister about how deeply her actions bother you? I know that sometimes it’s best to end a relationship, but I also know how difficult it can be when it’s family. I’m just curious if you’ve made up your mind, or if you’re still open to healing that relationship…

    Lori

  • ushmaasher@gmail.com

    I am in college but I haven’t been able to join any groups due to my anxiety :/

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Perhaps it would help to start small–tell yourself you are going to go to one meeting for 15 minutes only. And then if you’re able to do that, next time increase the time you spend. Repeated exposure can help a great deal, because it allows you to slowly stretch your comfort zone.

  • CARLITA MAY

    The quote that most stuck out for me was ‘If I have an issue with someone I go straight to them to talk about it, and I don’t talk to anyone else about it if they aren’t involved. Gossip breeds drama! ~Kristie Sherman’ after reading this I suddenly came to the realisation that, this is why drama surrounds me. And as your article also states I have been thinking to myself ‘why is it always me’ I even found myself screaming that at myself today. I have suddenly realised I AM THE GOSSIP! When I am upset about a situation or ‘drama’ I will tell people/ friends that it doesn’t concern therefore unknowingly making things worse for myself. I am so ashamed of myself. I am the drama queen creating drama from my own mouth and how could it take 29 years to realise this? Well as hard as I imagine it will be breaking a habit of a lifetime I know I have to stop this now. Thank you for this article its opened my eyes to who I truly am.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I felt the same way when I first realized I was causing drama–but I think it says something about us that we’re willing to be self-aware, even when it’s hard. That’s something to be proud of. I’m glad this was helpful to you. =)

  • ryukage99

    For me now,I was in some real drama for the last 8 wks. I was going to party to meet guys (I’m gay ) and make friends and playmates. I have Asperger’s that it’s hard for communicate to people offline.So I had a aisunderstanding that boiled over to full drama.I go this party not for that plus I have a boyfriend that wanted get this drama with those guys resolved to I can bring him along to the party. I had fun at first but I think whole was simple me not being “too friendly” with them when I already told those guys that I have boyfriend.Some of those guys were asking me “when are you gonna bring him ?” Plus ,I don’t see him that often because I can’t drive because I’m legally blind in one eye.He works alot.I feel like I want to come back to the party eventually but I don’t know how to deal the drama?

  • Ushma

    Wow! Thank you! I’m gonna try it!
    Great site :D

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome!

  • bonsespellhome

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    FROM OLIVIA

  • Christi Morgan

    I stopped dealing with drama queens a long time ago, just by asking myself a few questions. 1- Does this affect ME directly? 2- Does this affect any one I love directly? 3- Does this affect my job or source of income? 4- Does this affect my home? If the answer to those questions is a resounding NO, then it’s drama, and I’ll walk away. Don’t get me wrong though, for my friends and what’s left of my family (because I’ve cut off a few branches of my family tree) I’ll always have a sympathetic ear (and tell them what they shouldn’t really be worrying about), but like I tell those that have (unwanted) opinions about MY life, If you’re not feeding me, financing me or fu@$&ng me, your opinion dosen’t count.

  • monalisa

    my name is Monalisa, i want to give almighty praise to MADAM GLADYS who
    help
    me to cure my HIV POSITIVE, please help me to give thanks to her she is a
    great woman who God send from heaven to save people’s life, this woman
    also
    save the life of my friend who have HIV/AID POSITIVE ALSO, please thank
    her for me, also if you have any type of problem you can also
    contact him to help you out on it, she is a wonderful woman, her email
    is: BABYSTEMPLEREALITY@GMAIL.COM contact him now for him to help
    you too.

  • Bernille

    Good morning everyone, my name is Miss Bernille from brazil, i have been suffering from Hiv/Aids for over 4years now, and suddenly, i have spent all my money all to make sure i get healthy all day, but happily, last month january 12th 2013, i came in contact with a traditional doctor also known as a chief priest on a newspaper who is called Dr KPELEDE who has help much people to cure their aids disease, firstly i taught it was a joke until i contacted him ” kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.com ” and he said that if i am ready for this work, i told him yes, and he collected my details and told me that after he has finished consulting his oracle he will run back to me on when to go for a medical check up, i was unhealthyling surprise. And truly last week monday Dr KPELEDE called me to quickly go for a medical checkup, which i did, only to find out that i was not with any HiV disease anymore, my friends and families who left me before run back to me. I now found out that God in Heaven is using this man to bless and heal us all, he is a great and powerful man, again i say to you sir, that God almightly will uplift you and your great work you did for i and other people. Pls i will sincerely advice all Hiv patient to contact this great powerful man called Dr KPELEDE for your solutions now at :

    kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.com he will help you on your Hiv problems email: kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.com

  • em

    My mom is that way I recently vented out in email to her. She’s a crazymaker, jekel/hyde personality. Kind of person that would lie about blue being red to your face and probably pass a lie detector. Felt better and permantly cut her off. Now I myself am trying to recover. Tried the one sided thing and small talk and without bringing her drama to feed on, it got worse by her creating drama about me. May be awhile. I have no idea how to cocommunicate otherwise. it feels foreign. Right now I’m trying to make sure I at least only say positive things in reference to the past. Drama free people see me and probably feel a primal urge to bolt but dramatic people love to hang around me. I think cause i still crave excitement, I still give off the vibe though I am aware now. I think deep down we just wanna feel loved. Problems and all. And know we aren’t alone. That’s what our normal family was for, but most of us never got normal families. Gotta let go of even the idea of a family for me I guess.

  • Guest

    Thank you for this post. You phrased what I went through perfectly: well into my twenties, all of my friendships with women looked a lot like junior high. I’ve had my share of drama in friendships in the past two years. Once I started to weed out toxic friendships here and there, I had breath of fresh air. I’ve come to a conclusion that there are people who live for drama. They crave attention and want drama in their lives. It was easy to just point my fingers at my toxic friends or even worse, engage in drama. I didn’t do anything for years. I stopped playing the victim and went through a purging stage where I chose to remove toxic friendships. The drama didn’t completely come to an end when I removed my toxic friends. My choice to remove them from my life was yet another drama for them – something for them to feed off of. I let them create drama amongst themselves. I’ve been told by close friends that either they must have a lot of free time on their hands or their lives are not exciting. I can’t understand how one of my toxic friends can have a full-time job yet cyber stalk me and mock every single status and comment I’ve made on social media. She even impersonated me online by posting something in my name. Clearly, my toxic friend needs to get a life. Or she has psychological problems of her own. I will leave it at that because she doesn’t even know what she’s doing is wrong. Having said that, I’ve stopped reacting altogether and life has been peaceful again. I’ve kept healthy friends around – friends who don’t live for drama, respect my boundaries and are busy working towards achieving their goals in life. There is a saying that birds of a feather flock together. People who live for drama get along with people who also live for drama. They love creating drama and feed off of each other’s drama. We all have a choice to walk away from drama especially when we are not seeking for one in our lives.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. It’s nice to know that someone else can relate!

    I’m sorry to hear about the things your former friend has done. It sounds like you’ve made some wise decisions about who you’ve kept in your life. I know from experience it can be hard to draw that line, but sometimes we need to do that for own well-being!

  • Gl

    I just ended it with a drama freak. I keep attracting men who make my life a living hell. Everything he said just feels bad, I’m all around a bad person to him, no matter what I did to try to prove him wrong. I want him to be the last one. I took 2 years off of dating to clear my head. This one came into my life to drive some things home about how i choose partners. I just don’t need a bunch of crap in my life. There is this cycle with him. He and I exchange angry words. He tells me to F off…then I do. 3 days later he’s back again. He told me to F off and move on a few weeks ago and I thought I’d never hear from him again. I was in pain and slept with someone. Well he once again screwed with my head by feigning he liked me…but doesnt want a relationship. I told him I slept with this person in hopes he would leave me alone…it had the opposite effect and he’s been calling me a whore all day. I am afraid if how he will tell all these people how bad he thinks I am. I have to hold my head high, rise above and never respond. I wish I had the strength earlier. It’s times like these that makes me realize where my life is lacking. And where I create drama. I’m taking measures to fill the holes that I tried to fill with this jerk. Drama free, dear God…no more of this.

  • Natalie

    i have a miracle testimony to share with everyone, is the only lord who could ever get my HIV cured with his healing prophet saibaba who prayed for me, I have tried almost everything but I couldn’t find any solution on my disease, despite all these happening to me, I always spend a lot to buy a HIV drugs from hospital and taking some several medications but no relieve, until one day I was just browsing on the internet when I come across a great post of! jessy! who truly said that she was having a relationship problem with her husband which will lead to divorce and after the prophet prayed the marriage was settled, sometime I really wonder why people called him prophet saibaba I never knew it was all because of the great and perfect work that he has been doing that is causing all this. so I quickly contacted him, and he ask me some few questions and he said a thing I will never forget that anyone who contacted him is! always getting his or her healing in just believing and have faith after doing all he ask you, so I was amazed all the time I heard that from him, so I did all things only to see that i should do, all the strength that has left me before rush back and I becomes very strong and healthy, this disease almost kills my life all because of me, so I went to hospital to give the final test to the disease and the doctor said I am HIV negative, I am very amazed and happy about the healing from the lord through prophet saibaba gave to me, you can email him now for your own healing too at templesaibaba@yahoo.com

    .

  • Anonymous

    No offense but I can’t help finding it hypocritical that you are using the guise of helping others improve their lives on this site while making a ton of money from creating and hosting this website. I would love to know how much money you are raking in each month from the banner revenues. Easy to live a drama-free life when you are exploiting other peoples’ problems to enrich yourself !

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I do make a living from running this site, as it’s my full-time job. I try to be conservative with advertising, though, only running ads for causes I believe in, and only a few in the sidebar (as opposed to placing ads in the middle of posts, using pop-up ads, etc.), because the reader experience is my top priority.

    I understand the skepticism about someone earning money from doing something that helps others, but unfortunately, we live in a world where we all need to earn a living in order to meet our needs. And I am no exception.

    Still, despite the fact that I run a personal growth website for a living, I don’t live a drama-free life. I still have struggles, like anyone else, and some days are better than others.

    I hope that you’ve found some value in the site, as that truly is my greatest intention in doing this.

    Sending good thoughts your way,
    Lori