“The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.” ~Robert Fulghum
For as long as I can remember, I have been an ardent keeper of a life to-do list. Always a set of invisible criteria in my head, and sometimes written-out in actual lists, my to-do list of life improvements has been sort of a North Star, guiding my direction and efforts.
This love of improvements in process stems from a longstanding and deep desire to be transformed in some magical way. Not because my life has ever been bad in an objective sense, but nevertheless, I always believed my life—and I—needed to be changed and improved.
In elementary school, for example, I can remember thinking ahead to a trip I was going to take in the summer with my friend’s family to Cape Cod.
I planned all the ways I’d use the following months to become the pretty wasp-y girl who I thought belonged on Cape Cod (grow out my hair, get a new cover for Bermuda bag…)
Or, when I went off to college in New York City, I looked forward to the very sophisticated, adventurous urbanite I would be (stop eating dinner between now and then to be skinny, buy this pair of boots and that jacket, develop an air of nonchalant cool…)
This was a pattern I replayed many times over: set my sights on a media-perfected image of a lifestyle or type of person, and then list all the ways that I needed to change to become more like that image.
All of these different factors would find their ways into resolution or to-do form. (Will lose weight, will be more extroverted and charming, will learn to be a better flirt, and so on.)
When the experiences I planned for came to pass, they each had their own reality, which was good, interesting, and full in its own way.
The problem was that, of course, they rarely looked like the Hollywood version I had in mind, and they did not transform me into the different person that I sought. Not surprising. Who was it who said, “Wherever you go, there you are”?
This same quest for transformation also led me to explore many forms of psychology, spirituality, and mind-body therapies.
I think I was looking to bolster my external change efforts with internal “improvements,” and tried out all sorts of books, philosophies, programs, and regimes, ranging from Buddhism to psychotherapy, from juice detoxes to gluten-free, from extreme determination and goal setting to radical acceptance of what is…
Ironically, the real transformation I sought through all this work was a feeling of ease and balance— around who I was and what I achieved in the world.
I was working very hard in the hopes of achieving a “natural” harmony and ok-ness, so that I wouldn’t have to work so hard!
And finally, somewhere along the way, it began to dawn on me that the missing piece I was trying to get, via all these steps and changes and work, was already under my control: my valuing of myself and my own experience.
The simple truth, as Robert Fulghum says, is that “the grass is greenest where it is watered.” All this time I had been frantically flinging water over fences onto grass in the distance.
This realization fundamentally changed how I approach “self-improvement” and any changes that I want to make in my life.
I am still very open to wisdom, wellness philosophies, and inspiration of many kinds, and I’m grateful for the education and perspective this whole journey has brought me. However, I am now wholly focused on practicing it, being it, and enjoying it right now.
Instead of setting resolutions and working toward them, my goals are for how I want to be each day and each moment, how I want to feel about myself, how I want to value my environment and the people and opportunities in my life now.
Although I get this shift 100% mentally, the truth is that it is not always easy to practice—it goes against a lifetime of mental habits! To help me make this shift any time, I have created a set of tools and practices based around active questions. Here are some of the principles and questions:
Start with being and feeling now, and work from there to the external manifestation.
When we want something in our life to change, what we really want is to feel differently. So, I start by making room for and cultivating that feeling-state. I ask myself: How do I want to be feeling now? What would I have to believe in order to feel that way?
I test how that belief feels. Could I find evidence in my experience to support that new belief?
At the very least, even if I don’t fully convert to the new belief, its possibility has been planted in my mind, and some seeds of doubt have been planted around the old belief that was making me feel bad.
Make the proactive choice to accept what is now.
Usually whatever I am unhappy with now is not as bad as I think it is. Some questions that help me see this are:
What am I projecting about this situation that is making me feel so crappy? Can I be 100% certain that this perspective is true? What could be another possible way to see this situation? What gifts might this situation have for me?
Again, I may not convert completely to the new perspective, but at least I am aware this it is a matter of interpretation and choice. If I cling to the interpretation that is making me feel bad, I am aware that that is my choice.
Lastly, accept and envision what could be.
Concurrently with the above point, accepting what is now does not mean that I need to give up how I desire things to be. Over time I have absolutely experienced that lovingly nurturing a vision very much turns it into a reality.
Some questions that help maintain this vision are: What would I love to manifest in my life now? How will I feel and behave when that is a reality?
This space of envisioning my desires is an absolutely delicious place to hang out.
Armed with these guidelines and questions, I am super excited to live this mindset more and more. The beauty of this method is that I don’t have to remember how to break through; I just have to remember to ask myself the questions, and the shift occurs naturally. Thank goodness!
What do you think? Do you have special questions you ask yourself to shift your mindset?
Photo by Tiffany Dawn Nicholson
About Kate Howe
Combining a love of psychology and spirituality with beauty and design, Kate Howe creates projects in a variety of media to uplift and promote well-being. Her latest project is the Mood-Tuner app for busting bad moods: cheaper than a therapist and better for you than a pint of ice cream!