The Enormous Cost of Being the One Who Holds Everything Together

“For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.” ~Virginia Woolf

There’s a kind of work in our society that doesn’t come with a title or pay, and for a long time, I didn’t even notice I was doing it. I just lived inside it. It shaped my days, my stress, my identity.

These days, I see it more clearly. I can name it now. I don’t only live inside it, but I still return to it—especially as a parent, especially when things stretch thin. The difference is now, I pause. I reflect. I ask myself if I have to hold it all. Sometimes I still do. But not by default. Not blindly. Well, usually anyway.

I’m writing to make the invisible visible. To name what I rarely heard said out loud, not just to others, but to myself. When I’m holding the center while everything pulls at the edges, absorbing what others don’t even realize needs carrying, I see myself. I’m not overreacting. I’m not asking for too much. I’m doing the work that holds lives together.

I am often the one who remembers the dentist appointment, Mufti Day, the allergy meds, the forecast, the birthday, the swimming bag. Or the one who keeps the emotional boat steady—calming the toddler (or the adult acting like one), soothing tension between co-parents, biting my tongue so dinner doesn’t derail, all while managing the storm inside my own heart, or gut, or head.

This work has many names to me: mental load, emotional labor, logistical labor and, especially, narrative labor (the effort of constantly explaining myself, justifying choices, making life make sense for everyone else). It’s the work that says, “I’ll just do it; it’s quicker.” Or, “It’s fine, I’ll figure it out” Or, “No one else will remember, so I’ll make a list.”

But here’s what’s changed: I recognize it now. I’m no longer trying to prove I can handle everything. I’ve learned that sometimes, the quiet question inside—“Why is it always me?”—is actually wisdom, not weakness. It’s a sign to pause. To reset. To shift the pattern.

While I see this most obviously in motherhood, I know it exists everywhere. In caring for aging parents. In supporting partners with chronic illness or disability. In blended families and complex co-parenting. In friendships and workplaces, where someone quietly holds the emotional glue.

I’ve watched how, without this work, so many people and systems quietly fall apart. And I’ve also learned the cost of doing it all, all the time. That cost lives in the body.

These days, my body can often feel like that old board game Operation—except the buzzer is jammed on and the batteries are dying. A constant low-level fog on my brain, with a weariness that sinks deep into my bones. It’s not always visible, but it’s there in my clenched jaw, racing thoughts at 3 a.m., or that strange, sudden overwhelm that never quite becomes tears.

I used to downplay my own needs because there was no room for them. I kept things light even while crumbling, especially when my kids were young. I was the strong one everyone leaned on, even when I longed for someone else to take the weight.

Now, I try to notice that impulse. To catch it in the moment. To remind myself I am not a machine. That asking for help doesn’t make me weak; it makes me wise.

If this sounds like you too, you are not alone.

This is for those of us managing households and trauma responses. For those parenting kids who live in two homes, two worlds. For those doing the extra work to help a child thrive in a system that wasn’t built for them. For those stuck in meetings, trying to help others see what should already be obvious. For those holding finances, feelings, and fallout.

And then there’s judgment. The kind that seeps through tone, silence, side comments. The kind you can feel in the air. Suddenly, you’re not being witnessed; you’re being evaluated.

It often lands hardest on those making unconventional caregiving choices. The stay-at-home parent “not contributing.” The adult child who cuts back work to care for parents. The partner quietly managing chronic illness. The blended-family parent navigating chaos.

I once read, “Judgment assumes superiority. It lacks curiosity. It flattens your life into a one-dimensional story and acts like it knows the ending.” That’s exactly what it feels like.

I’ve carried that weight many times—judgment from those who don’t live my reality. For a long time, my nervous system told me it wasn’t safe not to care what others thought. Even when I knew the wisdom of that old saying “Don’t take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice.”

It’s always ironic; the ones who carry the least are often quickest to critique how you carry the most.

And so here’s my truth: I won’t apologize for being there for my kids while they still need me. I won’t apologize for showing up for the people I love.

There’s another saying, “Don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” But most don’t want the shoes; they just want the right to judge from the sidelines. Or, as Brené Brown puts it, “If you’re not in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.”

Because here’s what’s often missed: most people don’t realize how much they rely on invisible labor… until it stops.

They don’t have to think about whether the PE gear is clean. Who will follow up with the lawyer or the school. How tension gets diffused or meltdowns averted. Why the fridge is never empty or the calendar runs smoothly.

But when I’ve stepped away? Things fall through the cracks. Conversations go sideways. The house might be quiet, but not peaceful.

This isn’t about guilt. It’s about value. This work enables others to succeed, to rest, to function—precisely because someone else is holding the complexity.

Invisible labor holds everything together, until it can’t. I know this. The migraines, the kidney stones, the menstrual issues—they brought me to my knees. My body was trying to protect itself. Fair call. This work isn’t bottomless. It’s not free. And it’s not a given.

So many of us do this work quietly, without even naming it in ourselves. Because when something is always expected, it starts to feel like it doesn’t count.

But it does count. It is work. It deserves to be seen, not just when it collapses, but while it’s still holding the thread.

We are not invisible. We are not unreasonable. We are not weak for needing rest or recognition.

We are doing work that keeps lives afloat. That work matters. We matter. But boundaries matter too. No one is coming to save us. And we can’t keep rescuing others from their own responsibilities.

Yes, there will be excuses. But unless there’s a clear diagnosis, the sixteen-year-old who won’t get out of bed for school? That’s theirs to navigate, not mine to carry. Let there be real-world consequences. How else will they grow? How else will they take responsibility? How else will they learn to stand on their own two feet?

So today, I pause. I see what I’m carrying. I value what someone else is. I ask where the load can be shared. I wonder what would change if we truly recognised the weight behind what seems effortless.

Because the most important work isn’t always the loudest, but it’s often the most essential.

And maybe the first step isn’t changing everything. It’s noticing it. Naming it. Starting there.