“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti
Life is sometimes ridiculously hard. It sucks. It rips out your heart and your entrails, spins them around the room, and stuffs them back in unceremoniously through the hole from which they were ripped.
And it expects you to smile and carry on. People expect you to carry on. Because that is what we think people do.
I felt like this a few years ago when my marriage ended. Luckily, I had good people around me. They didn’t expect that from me.
I, on the other hand, expected me to get right back on that horse. I had to keep going, to be stronger. To not let it affect me that much. So I berated myself. I got angry with myself. I hated myself (because that was exactly what I needed, right?)
The thing is, when you are in the thick of it, you don’t know what you need. You know there is pain and you want it to stop. Please, please, just stop!
And then there is the anger. This is the hurt you don’t understand yet. Hurt without compassion, hurt without direction.
It explodes. It finds a way, a way out, somehow. Eventually.
My expectations were so high. Or should I say, it was my hopes that were high. It had to stop.
I couldn’t function until it stopped. I couldn’t forget until it stopped. And I wanted to forget so much.
I wanted to forget how I felt now. I wanted to forget how I felt before—because then I wouldn’t miss it so much. I wanted to forget the good things she did because remembering caused pain.
Conversely, I wanted to forget the bad things she did because those memories caused pain, too.
In addition, I wanted to forget every small little detail of the stupid things I’d said and done that I wished I hadn’t, the things I went over and over and over in my head. Those sharp, jagged memories I just couldn’t switch off, each one like a fishhook being carefully placed beneath my skin, then mercilessly torn from its grip.
I scurried desperately for refuge inside my head. I stayed in there. Outside were people.
People would want to talk to me, to make eye contact. I was incapable of either. I was scared.
I was frightened and ashamed and I didn’t want to see caring in someone else’s eyes. I didn’t want to hear kind words. I didn’t know how I would respond.
I didn’t know if I would break down in tears, descending to that place I hated where I was a pathetic, whining fool who brought it all on himself. Or alternatively, to the place where I got so angry at how I was treated that I didn’t want anyone to see the look in my eyes. To see the raw anger and furious energy that burned inside of me.
I didn’t want to be seen. Being seen asked questions. Questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
It was like a living volcano raging inside me. I went to counseling because I needed an outlet. I needed to get it out.
The hope inside of me that we would get back together restricted me from talking to people close to me. “What if we got back together?” What if in my pain and my hurt I said things about her, how would people see her when she came back? That would make it difficult for her.
In retrospect, I think I knew it was over, deep down, but I was still fighting what was. This false hope also gave me a reason not to open up or face things.
I look back with gratitude that I somehow found the wisdom in the bottom of that cold, dark place to take that step, to actually do something.
All of my life I had bottled up feelings. I had been strong. I had controlled my emotions.
I wasn’t a walking unfeeling marble statue. I did let loose some emotions. But I never really fully let go.
I never allowed myself to feel it all completely. I never surrendered. I was always fighting reality.
When I finally relinquished my hold on trying to control everything, it all changed. I allowed it to fall, to break free. I held nothing back.
It was here, in this moment, I finally grasped that accepting where we are is the most important step in any change process.
It was the only way through any journey of pain, to allow yourself to feel it without judgment. From the maelstrom of confusion, darkness, hail, wind, and rain in my mind, the storm started to pass.
It was like waking up lying on a beach after a shipwreck. Battered and bruised, feeling empty inside, lost, lonely, not knowing where you are, where you are going or how. But in the center, deep inside, there is a calm. Something that whispers, “The worst is over.”
Suddenly, I was able to sleep again. I woke each day without that feeling of readying myself for battle. My food tasted better.
I still had the hurt, but it was dulled. I still had the memories, but the sharpness around the edges began to blur a little. I had still to figure out what my life was going to be like without her in it, but I had survived.
All of this I allowed when I surrendered.
When I stopped fighting reality my mind calmed, and I understood that what has happened outside of me “is what it is.” I cannot change that, only how I respond. Accept.
My prolonged and persistent pain was coming from my refusal to accept this. When I stopped fighting what was, when I stopped trying to fight against the waves rather than letting them carry me to shore, I finally found peace. Surrender.
The reality wasn’t different. I still had to deal with my new situation, with my new life. But the storm in my mind had quieted. It was easier to see.
What I learned here wasn’t just about a break-up. It wasn’t just about dealing with pain. For me, this was a massive life lesson.
There are still many times when storm clouds amass in my mind. I remember not to fight the reality, whatever is going on in my life. I remind myself, “This too shall pass.”
Everything is transient. Everything ends. Good and bad.
So I wait during the bad times. I watch, I observe, I learn. I focus on what I can control and I don’t resist and fight what I can’t.
And I remember to cherish the good moments because they too shall pass. Life is so much richer when we surrender to it rather than fighting it. It all starts with accepting what is.
About Keith Clarke
Keith works with fellow members of Generation X helping them get the most out of their relationships and careers. He is a Certified Business & Life Coach and lives in Ireland. He is the proud father of two teenagers and he sings and plays guitar in his band in his spare time. You can learn more about Keith at www.lifecoachx.com.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
What a great article! I struggled with this a very long time. As older we get as easier it seems to become, because we had all our fair share of drama in our lives. Reading about it, is very reassuring.
Thanks, Nadin. Wisdom and the skill to apply it definitely does come with age. Thankfully 🙂 Thanks for commenting
Thank you for sharing the journey you have been on Keith – what great insights. One of my favourite quotes is Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.” Learning to accept, to feel, to deal with the ‘what ifs’, are lessons we become better at as we mature I believe. There’s no such thing as ‘failure’, each time things don’t go as we expected, so long as we can reflect and learn the lessons, we can then deal with future disappointments in a more objective way.
I know since having this post accepted on Tiny Buddha you’ve written an AMAZING e-book too which I’ve found really useful and would recommend anyone to check it out on your website!
I wish you many more moments – many of them magical 😉
Hey Sandra 🙂 I do like that Shakespeare quote too. Maturity definitely brings wisdom in spades: should we choose to accept it 🙂 Thank you, Sandra
Excellent post Keith on how to let go and surrender instead of resist and fighting. Having walked a very similar path, your post resonates with me quite a bit. So interesting how my life’s absolute worst moment ( a breakup and divorce) has become the high point. I too learned to embrace my emotions after the breakup, accept what is and surrender to what is to come. THe storm may be going on outside of us but we don’t have to bring it within. Actually, if we can find peace within, the storm on the outside transforms to soothing rain 🙂 Thanks for sharing your journey and wisdom!
Thanks, Vishnu. Absolutely. We bring the storm in when we fight what’s outside. I wouldn’t go as far as to say it was a high point, maybe the most defining 🙂 But life is definitely better now as a result of what I have learned 🙂
Well said, Keith. As a man we’re not “allowed” to share. As a southern American man you suck it up and move on. It’s almost been a year since she and I parted ways and there hasn’t been a day I’ve not lived with her ghost. However the ghost isn’t as present as much. This too shall pass, indeed.
Hi Bill.
Sorry to hear about your own parting of ways. That male unemotional convention has a lot answer for. It’s good to see it slowly changing but there is a long way to go. And yes, this too shall pass. Those ghosts definitely fade, but they never disappear. And I don’t think they are meant to, because they carry our learning. Good luck with your journey, Bill
Awesome post Keith. It takes guts to speak to openly about stuff like that! Although apparently yours are on the floor somewhere 😉
Ha Ha. It’s Ok, I have them all picked up now 😉 Thanks, Tim
Absolutely one of the most accurate descriptions I’ve read on what it feels like to go through this.
Thanks, Sheri. I hope it is more of a distant memory rather than a recent one
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Wow, thank you for sharing your story! What an inspiring one it is. My marriage is ending…that was difficult to even write because I haven’t been able to accept it…although I’ve experienced much personal growth in the last year, I have been resisting, always holding out hope that my marriage can change, despite the deep-down truth of what is. Your post helped me to realize that my hope for change is actually resistance of the truth…the truth of what is…I know now that I must accept my reality to be able to move forward and let go. Thank you!!!
Hi Amy 🙂
Really sorry to hear that about your marriage. I know it is a horrible time. I think the hope is good up to a point because we all want our relationships to work ultimately. There is a point though where, as you say, it becomes resistance of truth. And that will be different for every individual. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Needed to hear this right now. Someone from my past has been thrust back into my life through mutual published works and now I am living back in the ‘what if things had worked out’ phase of remorse. I haven’t dated anyone in eight years because of still loving him.
Hi Eva,
Thanks for commenting. That sounds like a difficult situation. It sounds like underneath your internal debate you know what to do, but yes, that still isn’t an easy place to be. That ‘what if’ dilemma can be a big energy drain. It’s important now more than ever to listen to your intuition and to recognise what your true needs are, and whether or not your current thinking about it is really working for you, or not.
I wish your approach in this article wouldn’t have been so “relationship” oriented. There’s lots of situations this applies to. I’m an amputee from a motorcycle accident a few years ago. I’m still coming to grips with it and ‘my new life’. I found the constant references to the ‘him/her’ aspect to distract from what your msg was. Remember, all life’s misery’s aren’t necessarily because of women… just ALMOST all of them. 😉
Your comment made me smile. No, all life’s miseries aren’t because of women 🙂 In fact, what I have learned is that how I conduct myself is the biggest cause of my own misery 😉 And I agree absolutely that the message I am promoting does not only apply to relationships. This however was the story where I realised the lesson, so it just happened to be based on that 🙂 Wishing you all the best
LOVE your metaphors! You really nailed what it’s like to be in that kind of pain. Halfway through the article I paused and thought, “Wait. This is a GUY writing this?” Thank you for not only your insight, but for opening up like that and demonstrating to men and women the value in analyzing, naming, and sharing how you feel. For me, that was the first step in accepting what Is.
Thanks, Lisa!
And yes, I am a guy 😉 It is so important to, as you succinctly put, be “analyzing, naming, and sharing how you feel”. Male or female. Too many males AND females see it as weakness. I found strength in it. To be able to sit with a feeling, name it and acknowledge it for what it is without labels truly is liberating. It stops you clinging to the story surrounding it. And giving yourself permission to feel helps it to pass quicker than fighting it. Thanks for your comment, Lisa
Every inch of ur description, is exactly what I am going through… Mixed emotions, the loneliness and most importantly accepting its over and knowing the person you love is never gonna be part of your Life anymore, feels like the end of the world but yes, guess the key is to give it time…
Hi Charanya,
I’m so sorry you have to experience this. That “knowing the person you love is never gonna be part of your Life anymore” is the killer, isn’t it? That is the acceptance bit right there that is needed, because we don’t want to let go. Yes, time heals, but it is important to acknowledge yourself and your feelings in every present moment, to give yourself permission to feel, and to say, yes, it is OK that I am feeling this right now. Take care, Charanya
It’s been 14 years since myself and my husband parted. But it’s only these last month I haven’t stopped crying thinking of him. We had a crazy time but I was very young and he had been married before but it was a arranged marriage. When he met me now one has put me up on a peddle stool before and he was like this price charming. But once we got married he changed he became abusive and I became depressed and that wasn’t allowed in our culture. Even though he did what he did I blame myself. I wish if I would of been more mature. Maybe if I had been a better wife I would have my family now. I had a break down,so I lost my son to him only 6 months of us separating he got another woman pregnant it was awfull. But I’m finding myself dreaming about him wishing if only we had met now as I’m totally a different person. But I should move on shouldn’t I.
The most troubling part is u feel like a total failure, even if have given ur best… but Keith a part of me knows he loves me a lot still n we separated only because of unfavourable consequences but a part of me wonders if he still loves me as much as he says why can’t he stand up for us ?? I kno nobody could answer this for me but always rings in my head…
Hi Charanya,
These questions ringing in our heads are one of the hardest things to let go of. We are curious creatures and a part of us always wants to be able to close a loop. Unfortunately, as I have found, these answers are not always forthcoming. Part of accepting is being able to let these questions fade without answers, instead looking at how the experience can help us grow.
“Accepting where we are.” Isn’t that just the crux of life. And one of the hardest things to do. My monkey mind sure wants to spin things! But at least now I’m onto it sooner. With acceptance comes the ability to let go, and then to move on.
Beautiful post, Keith. Thank You!
Hi Susan.
It is one of the hardest things to do. And we do it with different things every day. And aren’t our ‘monkey minds’ brilliant at the spin? We need to keep a very close eye on them 😉 And you have hit the nail on the head – you are “onto it sooner”. It isn’t about eradicating our hurt or our feelings, because that is how we learn and grow. It is about building our resilience and our ability to bounce back sooner, so the impact on our lives isn’t debilitating for too long. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Thank you for this post Keith, I’m reading this at work and I had to step away from it several times as I continued to get lumps in my throat and my eyes welling up, I have yet to let go, release or breakdown. We as men in society are strong, strong for our children, families, friends and ourselves but forget that we are only human despite what has been forced into us. My wife recently left, it was only month ago and I thought we were fine but she believed otherwise and now I find myself buried in work and children forcing myself to swallow pain, anger and uncertainty. I don’t believe I can do this much longer, the sleepless nights and lack of appetite are starting to wear me down but reading your post and posts from others is helping me realize that I can let go and show weakness, after all I’m just human.
I’m not going to lie but I started to get choked up reading your comment Erik. I can feel your pain in your words. You must be hurting so bad right now if it only happened a month ago. It will be hard, extremely hard, but it is important to face the pain. Yes, you are human, and so are many of the people around you. People have bigger hearts and are more caring than we sometimes think. There is no shame in being a human being with feelings. None. We think others will judge, but more often than not we are the ones making the biggest judgments. We have to accept it first. Wishing you the strength to get through this, Erik. And you will.
Hi Erik, your pain is very deep and still fresh, I can totally relate to the eyes swelling with tears, when u read this coz it happened to me too. I kno what I am gonna say is common n easier said than done but it’s the only way out- give it ‘Time’, it slowly gives u a perspective to life, n maybe may just heal you one day. One day, the fresh wound wud turn into a scar and u will just know it. Stay strong…
Charanya
Really sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope you find strength and don’t feel alone. Try to get out and thank you for sharing. We are all here for each other and that’s nice. Take care. Del
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good read… Happy this man found his peace; even if but momentary or just transitioning into the next bit of toughness in life… Peace is a good thing to have, esp. after a breakup/divorce…
Sometimes you just have to….be.
“Sometimes you just have to….be.” So true. And life is a series of tough moments. That is what I realised. How we choose to perceive these moments is where our power and our freedom lie. And the peace comes from knowing, yes, I can do this. Even if it is excruciating now, I can get where I need to be.
Much like others that have commented, I really get what you’re saying and it’s resonated with me. The times when I’ve felt internal conflict were definitely when I was either hiding from reality, or fighting to change it. It was only when I took a step back and just accepted what was happening, was I able to move on.
Really emotive writing. Loved reading this.
Thanks, Raz!
I do believe that any internal conflict happens when we are resisting something within our reality. Once we fully accept where we are we can then start to make changes.
Thank you so very much. I needed to read this today.
Glad you got something from it 🙂
Absolutely love the honesty and openness of this article. Being super hard on our failings is something many people are very good at, and surrendering to life while expressing gratitude and comfort with going beyond comfort zones at times can make all the difference.
Thank You. Agreed on every point 🙂 And something I didn’t mention in this article was how much the gratitude I felt for my children helped me. Thanks for commenting
So candid and open! Beautifully written, Keith. Thank you for sharing your story. I can very much relate to the feelings of having a problem with surrendering to ‘what is’…yet once you do it, it’s so powerful, just like you said it so well “life is so much richer”, and it’s a bit easier to take on other storms that come my way.
Hey Kasia 🙂
It is a really powerful thing. It isn’t easy, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but once it does it change so much. Thanks, Kasia
I know you’ve already gotten a ton of comments on this, but I appreciate your words more than you could ever know. Last month, my fiance vanished. We had the most loving relationship and it was blissful, but one day he said he didn’t want it anymore. I’ve spent a month completely catatonic, just counting the minutes and unable to sleep or eat. Every moment has been a dark chasm that I had to claw and scratch out of. You’ve inspired me to try to let go and accept, and I just wanted to thank you. I haven’t yet been able to even tell anyone about this, but I will now. Seriously, thank you.
Hi Laura.
Thank you for commenting. That can’t have been easy for you with what you are going through. I’m truly sorry to hear about your pain. Telling others is the first step. Be prepared for how kind and supportive people will be because that will bring up an avalanche of feelings, but it is paramount that you don’t fight this. Don’t hold back, feel everything no matter how bad it hurts, and know that in the end, it will all be OK.
That’s awesome Laura. Just remember that often things that happen to us that seem like catastrophes at the time turn out in time to have been blessings in disguise. He probably doesn’t deserve you!
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Laura, I wish you all the love and peace in the world. You deserve it. One day at a time.
Thank you for sharing. You sometimes think your the only one, I’m happy to know your not in that dark place. I to have been through a tough life and and like you said letting go is the only way to go forward. I have bad days. I myself still find it hard to be in public places as I don’t trust people. If you have been used and abused by your own family I tend to think now if my own mother do that what can a stranger do. I hope I do find the strength one day . I know I can do better than this and I’m ashamed of my weakness. I don’t really have no friends as they are all happily married. I just pray that bubble that I feel will burst. And what hurts me more is knowing that there are people who are worse of than me that’s when it hits home and I feel a failure. But I totally wish you a brighter future. I don’t like to know someone is hurting. I wish for myself if I could find someone to be with,someone I can laugh,cry, eat with ect. Take care my friend your story gave me hope. Thank you. Delyth
I’m glad my story could give you hope, Delyth. I think that with everything you have been through there is no shame in weakness. It sounds like a very tough life. It really is a one day at a time thing. And we can grow a little and get a little stronger every day. Wishing you the courage and strength you need
Hi Delyth, a lot of what you said feels true for me too. I have also lost my trust in ppl, it is hard not to when people do such terrible things to u. For me, if a ‘friend’ did that to me, what would a stranger do and also how do I know if a friend is really out to get me again. Its hard ..there r some amazingly lovely people but also some that do such terrible things. I do feel though I am lucky to have had the opportunity to really know what it feels like and b able to empathise n hopefully help others with my experience. I always thought people were too cautious and that these terrible things were so rare, but now I realise as I speak to people about it that a lot of people had awful stories too. I hope one day to be able to trust people again but with the wisdom to protect myself more too. And i feel like I’m in a bubble too, but im able to let more of the world in as time goes on. For me i can see time has been healing but it feels so unbelievably slow. You will find nice people you can trust again I’m sure, you sound like a lovely person to me 🙂
I’m not sure how you did it, but you accurately described the pain and disappointment I’ve been experiencing lately. My relationship of 2 years recently came completely unraveled and we broke up. I’m working on accepting, but the haze of the pain is blocking me from understanding and acceptance. I hold on to the memories which result in more pain and anger. I know it will just take time and a lot of determination on my part but reading this made me feel a little less alone in my pain so THANK YOU to the ends of the earth for sharing your journey. It gives me and others hope for better days to come.
Hi Lysette,
I am sorry to hear about your pain, Lysette, as I know what it feels like. However, I’m glad that you don’t feel so alone and that it gives you hope. Know and trust that you will get there, and you will be stronger for it. Just take one day at a time 🙂
Great article! Though it’s only been a month since my boyfriend left me, I need to let go and just accept what was, what is and look forward to what will be. The pain is still there and at times I just want to lay on my bed and cry like mad. But I just can’t. I don’t know where I get the energy to go on. Maybe soon I will know why. Thanks again!
Hi Marianne,
Thanks for commenting and you’re most welcome 🙂
A month is such a short time. I think just being willing to accept and let go will allow the emotions to come out naturally in their own time. It’s important to also let go of the need to feel certain emotions, or how you think they should manifest. It is helpful to allow everything to be what it is, including the fact that you don’t cry. When it is time to come out, and if it needs to, it will. It could be a film, a comment by a friend, or a sudden memory that triggers the release. Or, maybe it could just be a few small tears over a long period of time. Accepting how you are responding to this awful period is an important part of accepting ‘what is’.
Could you be more specific about what you actually do to “let go?”. That seems to be the most difficult thing to understand. How does one let go?
Hi Cheryl,
It means we no longer label anything. We become an observer. We watch the feelings come up and experience them. But we do not say they are good or bad. They just are. We do not fight with the thoughts in our head. We do not label them or judge them. We watch them and let them pass. Acceptance means no longer grasping for right or wrong or for meaning. It just is. And we watch and wait. We tell ourselves, where I am now is OK. It is OK to feel these things. It is OK to think these thoughts. I don’t have to DO anything with any of them. I will just be and trust that this will pass. And they will.
I understand the idea but I don’t know how to do it. I have a son with social skills problems, he’s having weekly sessions with a psychologist, I read every article and book I can, I know I’m doing everything I can to help him, but when he misbehaves, or I get notes from school I get so sad, so hopeless, that I think I can not take this anymore. I don’t know how to accept this and how to dismiss other people’s opinions, which are very critical. I really want to do it, because I know it will be good for me and my family… Thank you for posting this article.
Hi Veronica.
That feeling of not being able to take any more is tough. But know that you are more resilient than you think you are. We all are 🙂
Please have a look at my response to Cheryl below as I think it is as equally relevant to your question.
Take care
Thank you very much. 🙂
Mom passes away, no job, and the one person I thought would be there walks out on me. These are the challenges and it hurts. Living life day by day….
Sorry to hear about your troubles. It really is a day by day approach. I didn’t cover it in the article, but a few months after what I described in my post, my Dad also died and then when I was just coming to terms with that I was laid off from a job, too. I now these things are never the same and can’t be compared, but I can say that I know what it feels like to have the rug pulled from under you again and again and again. Yes, it hurts like hell, and wonder if it will ever end. But it does. And along the way you get stronger. Hang in there, allow what is to be what it is, be kind to yourself, and never give up hope. It IS worth it, eventually.
thank you
Keith, thank you for this wonderful and honest article. Reading it helped me a lot. Of course it doesn’t change my situation but it changes my outlook and gives me faith to just let go and accept what is. We always learn that we have to fight. It is so good to be reminded that acceptance sometimes is the better solution. I hope your life is all good by now! Best Caroline
Thank you, Caroline.
I am glad it helped. I know in times like these we need all and any help we can get 🙂
And you are so right. We do learn that we have to fight, but probably the biggest lesson I have learned (like any good general) is knowing what battles to choose and when to fight. I hope everything works out well for you.
And life is good now. Thank you for your kind words, Caroline.
Thank you for sharing this. It really hits home. This too shall pass. Sometimes we forget that and we revel in the emptiness brought to us by our own incapability to accept things as they are.
Thanks for commenting. Yes, sometimes that reveling is the only way we know how when it first hits. The key thing is to recognise it as soon as is possible and move towards acceptance with self-compassion.
I recently had to “break-up” with my dream school after silently suffering with anxiety and really beating myself up about it. I know it isn’t the same, but this article has definetly changed my perspective on the situation. I think I’m at the stage where I kind of feel calm, but I still don’t feel relieved and don’t really know when that will happen. I guess I’ll just have to wait patiently, but thank you for reminding me that the worst is over!
Hi Natalie,
Any change that happens and takes something from us is hard to take. I’m sorry to hear about your anxiety but it’s so important that we find self compassion when these things happen. The last thing we need is to start beating up on ourselves, but often the thing we do first 🙂 I’m glad the worst is over. Ride the calm now and the relief will come. Good luck, Natalie 🙂
I feel like a leaf in the wind..just being tossed around with no clear destination in mind. Its been 6 months since the break-up and I am still not over it. I thought I was, but sadly, I was mistaken. we broke up in May and I didn’t get any real concrete answers/closure when things ended. It was messy and I broke every break up rule known to man…He went on to date another woman..2 weeks after we broke up and this is a man that claimed to love me and we were together 7 years. I was devastated and now I still think about everything that has happened. Part of me wants him back and part of me is glad that I know the truth. The cold and hurtful fact that he never really loved me because if he did..HE NEVER WOULD HAVE TREATED ME LIKE I WAS NOTHING..DISPOSABLE…EASILY REPLACEABLE. I can’t believe that I was so stupid, dumb and blinded by love. WEAK. We attempted to be friends 2 months after breaking up, that did not last long. It lasted for 2 months and then something small happened that angered him and he blocked me(FACEBOOK). I tried to understand what made him so mad that he blocked me. I disagreed with a comment a girl made about a selfie he posted. I can’t begin to name all the petty drama that has happened between us. I just want the pain and love I have for him to go away. I want it to go away..I want to feel like myself again. This man has broken my heart into a million little pieces…I am broken and damaged; a shell of the woman I was before I met him…I feel like everything was and is my fault (even though it really wasn’t..he only points out what I did wrong..never mentions anything about what he has done to contribute in the demise of our “so called relationship”) and I am left feeling unloved and unwanted.I no longer want to get my ex back..there is no way we could ever be together again. The trust is gone and we will never be friends because I will never be secure in any type of association/friendship with him.I have wasted 7 years with this man and I can’t get that time back…though he has apologized for hurting me….it didn’t make me feel any better because it wasn’t sincere..I know I need to let go and forget about him, but it’s easier said than done. Why won’t my heart let go of the love I have for him? I am so angry with myself for not being able to do so. I am angry that I still cry about it and so disappointed that I allowed a man to hurt me the way he has. I have forgiven him, but I have not forgiven myself for falling in love (and being) with a man who did not truly love me and I was just too blind to see it.
Hi Sherrie,
That sounds absolutely awful for you, and I do feel for you. I will say that 6 months is still a short time after a relationship of 7 years. It took me longer than 6 months so you are doing OK 🙂 You are expecting a lot from yourself with wanting to let go of the love you have for him, when it’s quite clear how strong that love was. It isn’t easy to do. One of the things I noticed was where my thoughts were going. They would consistently be asking questions, trying to get me to understand, trying to just make sense of it all. All of this searching, the striving for it to go, the getting angry with myself, all of that I realised was contributing to my pain. I realised that the thoughts going through my head weren’t “me”. They were just thoughts. I didn’t have to chase them. I didn’t have to answer them. I didn’t even have to try and make them go away. So I stopped interacting with them. I watched them. I didn’t fight them but I didn’t do anything with them either. And they passed. At first they lingered around like unwanted guests, but each day, when I didn’t engage with them, they didn’t last as long. Maybe see how that works for you. But it is still early days and if you’ve already made it 6 months, you are closer to it ending than you were it starting. Day by day, try to be more self-compassionate and kind to yourself. You deserve it. You’ve been through a horrendous time 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story and insight. I have been going through something similar to alot of others, a happy relationship with my now ex fiance. Just out of the blue, he decided he didnt want it anymore, didnt want the marriage and didnt want us. Though he did explain to me that same night that he has been suffering from depression and wanted to try and work things out and I was willing to support him no matter what, but in saying this, this would incident trigger my own anxiety issues as harsh words were said by him. This did go well for 2 months or I think they did but he suddenly didnt want it anymore again. Its been 2 months since then but I am still in a world of hurt and pain, everytime i think i am progressing and moving forward I feel as if something is knocking me back a few steps again. I have been thinking more recently that I was willing to go through thick and thin and support him through his depression yet he wasn’t willing to do the same for me and my anxiety issues. Which I can only come up with one answer for that which is one I have been not wanting to admit, no more love. I think at the back of my mind, I still think there is hope, hope that if we both sort out our own issues, his depression, my anxiety that we can come back together and work through things and actually know how to deal with situations instead of letting them go out of control. The more I think this, the more it is holding me back. The thing is, I dont even feel anger towards him, in fact I care more about his mental health and well-being than anything else.
It is a struggle to admit all this and let myself feel the reality and pain of all this. But I need to do what you did and just let it be, accept it for what it is, know that I have done my best during the relationship and that I have something to learn from it.
These things, unfortunately Michelle, are neither straight-forward or easy. It sounds as though there are additional complications for you, also. It really is hard to move on, whether that is away from the relationship, or to a new stage in the relationship. Sometimes after things are said, it is not possible to go back to the way it was. This needs to be accepted to either move away from or to remain in the relationship with a new dynamic, new ground rules (so to speak), and new expectations. Whichever way you look at it, it is change. And we can only embrace change after we have accepted where we are in this moment. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace in whatever route you take.
Thank you for this …I am leaving my husband today after being together 15 years now and that dark cold place is where I am at. My husband has had an ongoing affair for the past 6 years and constantly I find the evidence but hope that he will change kept me stuck I now see that he does not care for my well being as a person ..much less his wife. I left my home country to live with him and found out almost immediately that he was still having a relationship with his mistress. I think I stayed because reality was just too painful and staying meant he was with me even part time. But truth be told I think being hurt over and over again is worse then going through that mammoth pain I have feared for so long of completely leaving him and cutting him out of my life for good. At least once I am over it ..He cant hurt me again. Again thank you for sharing ..
Hi Koukla,
I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said the “reality was just too painful”. When we are in that place and trying to fight it through denial. Yes, the being hurt by the same thing over and over again is like a death by a thousand cuts, but the fear of the big hit ‘seems’ harder to take until we do. I admire your bravery, not just because you are taking action, but because you are finally facing the reality. It isn’t easy and I wish you true happiness, Koukla. Take care
so I thought I’d share my story. I’m not sure how to cope with things really, it has been two months since my boyfriend broke up with me. He says we grew apart and also that he has been tempted by other women but he swears he never cheated on me. We were together for 7 years and this is my first proper heart break, and now he acts like nothing ever happened. He has also hidden a 14,000 debt of lots of credit cards and loans from me I never knew about it and he also drinking for the wrong reasons apparently and has a debt addiction. But now, I discover pics of him on facebook out partying for four weeks in a row which is fine, whatever he wants to do, but it hurts to know he acting like he just doesn’t care. And the money wouldn’t even have been that much of a problem if he had just told me about it but he said I couldn’t have handled it. Luckily we didn’t share anything money related and we weren’t married or had kids. I guess things could have been a lot worse but I don’t know why this has happened. I am not perfect I accept my faults but I honestly thought he liked me for who I was and the way he broke up with me, one minute we were broken up then we were on a break and then he says in three months time he may have realised he made a mistake and then he says the relationship dead to him. He is a completely different person even his mum thinks this he said he needed to do something drastic to stop him self destructing but now that just makes me feel that his addictions are my fault and it seems he self destructing even more and has started smoking again. He wasn’t always this way and we did have some really good times together but he has told so many lies and doesn’t seem to realise the things he has done how much they can hurt
Hi Beth,
This is a tough situation for you. Sometimes people will do things that we can never fully understand. Our natural tendency is to try and understand, to make sense of things, and it compounds the hurt when these gaps are there. It sounds like maybe he is on his own journey and unfortunately you have got caught up in this. I wish you all the best with your situation.
Such wise words! The power of acceptance is immensely important when working with difficult emotions such as anxiety, depression, loss, guilt, etc. But this acceptance should not be simply resigning yourself to things as that simply creates a dullness of mind. Acceptance, rather, should be an opening to things internally and externally, embracing emotions with tremendous interest, curiosity and kindness.
I often teach that “Mindfulness is not Acceptance, but Awakening” – a subtle distinction, but it will make all the difference.
Thanks, Peter. And yes, acceptance is NOT resignation.
I wish to add something; I have chronic pain that at times is so painful, it makes sleeping impossible. At times living with this, is almost unbearable, hard to sleep, hard to meditate, hard to walk, hard to eat, and hard at times to be awake too. Yet mindfulness and reminding myself when it is bad, ‘to stop struggling’, is so important.
Coming here tonight was important. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for you sharing this piece, thank you.
Thank you, Mary. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, but I’m really glad it helped you. Take care 🙂
thank you Keith, we sometimes don’t know how something touches others that we write here on the internet, it’s amazing how what we do touches others. Thank you love.
It is amazing. And you are most welcome, Mary 🙂