Menu

The Path to Living Authentically

“Don’t think you’re on the right road just because it’s a well-beaten path.” ~Unknown

Growing up in Appalachia, women always had grace, class, and sweet iced tea in the refrigerator for unexpected visitors. They smiled when called ma’am or darling and kept an immaculate home.

Many Appalachian women also abided by two rules: It’s impolite to say no, and (my mother’s favorite adage), be as nice as you possibly can and everyone will realize you’re the better person.

For me, this translated as always say yes and play nice. I thought this equated to being compassionate and sensitive.

You’re stranded on the side of the road four hours away during an ice storm? I’ll get you. You want to be intimate on the first date? I don’t want you to dislike me, so okay. You think I’m hateful, unworthy, and a crybaby? You’re probably right.

Yet, I played nice for so long that laughter turned to appeasement, confidence turned to harassment and verbal abuse, kindness turned to obligation. 

As I allowed others to treat me unkindly and without respect, somewhere living soulfully became nonexistent. I always thought that I kept everyone at arm’s length with a smile on my face because I didn’t want to be hurt.

In reality, I was so angry at myself for those specific moments of being run over that I willingly began playing the victim.

It became easier to sabotage myself and continue down that road than to work hard and become a strong, outspoken, and vivacious woman again, which wouldn’t unfold until years later when I spent the night in the middle of nowhere.

In 2009, I left my Appalachian roots behind and hightailed it to the West Coast. But there was an unexpected pit stop in Marfa, Texas, population 2,000, where I changed courses forever.

Splitting the long drives cross-country, my fiancé slept as I descended onto this plateau of immeasurable prairie grass hemmed by stately mountains.

The sunset was hypnotic—a brilliant rust so unfamiliar as it slipped off the horizon. There was nowhere to hide.  I was breathless and exposed.

Sitting by the motel pool in the dead of winter, the urge to cry was unbearable, but I didn’t know what to tell my fiancé, so I fought it. I was enraged, and diverted my attention to blogging, drinking, eating, and sleeping, but in a one-horse town on a Monday night, the only people for miles are nuns.

I had to look at me.

I couldn’t remember the last time that I was truly happy and laughed genuinely. Once again, I was angry that I had deprived myself of that. Then a flood of memories came back when I was strong, truthful, confident, and beautiful.

Those traits were still there. I may have disappeared into my own twilight hour, but I finally heard myself, standing alone watching the Marfa mystery lights with a thermos of bourbon, amidst tumbleweeds and dust devils. Never in my life had the physical moment connected so intensely with the spiritual.

I left the next morning exhausted.

Once the cross-country journey ended in San Francisco, I didn’t know how to be nice to my fiancé for two months because my only thought was, “Who am I?” I was paralyzed. I spent every day huddled on the floor between the bed and the wall pouring over job ads, trying to find anything that would give me a role to fill. I had no idea how to be myself.

That moment of clarity in the desert ultimately led to rediscovery, which was uncomfortable. I wasn’t leaving the apartment because all I had was myself, and I didn’t know or trust that person. And one day, I rode a bus and ate alone for the first time in my life…terrified.

My year in San Francisco became the most humble year of my life. My clothes didn’t even fill one dresser. I went from corporate guru to stocking the fridge in a law office.

As cliché as it sounds, taking the unpaved back road on this journey and abandoning the familiar was liberating.

My clothes fit better. I was glowing. My fiancé and I scraped by, but we were living in a gorgeous Edwardian apartment, eating amazing yet simple meals.

Indulgence was a scoop of ice cream or a good beer. Date nights were no longer extravagant dinners in ties and dresses but walks to the park after work to find my fiancé on a blanket reading. Then, we would wander across the city for hours until we decided to call it a night.

Nothing was judged or expected that year, and everything was appreciated.

I knew that it would be hard for me not to fall into old habits once I moved back to Virginia. I am a yes man again, and the anger toward myself builds each day. I feel as though I scattered pieces of myself across the country, my heart in San Francisco, my freedom in Marfa, but that’s not true.

I know that I am capable of practicing kindness toward myself and others while being authentic. I wrote to a friend that I met in Marfa after reading Baron Baptiste’s Journey into Power:

“I’ve been reading this book for a yoga workshop, and there was a passage about releasing yourself from the lies of everyday life that define you, and that you may not like who you really are at first, but at least it’s true. I was so sad because I realized that’s what happened the first time I was in Marfa.

I finally saw myself for the first time in many years and was mad at who I had allowed myself to become.  At the same time, I was so happy and even scared to find ‘me.’  I think I’m longing for the day to come back or at least searching for way to bring a piece of Marfa here!”

How do I make it a point to live authentically? Being immersed in a yoga teacher training program has taught me a lot of techniques. Here a few rules I abide by for an authentic life:

1. Tell someone you appreciate them every day.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the drugstore cashier, my husband, or the dog; reciprocate kindness with kindness and acknowledgment.

2. Stop trying to win the Oscar.

Essentially, stop playing roles. The first question people ask in the D.C. area is, “What do you do?” My answer is, “Hi. I’m Julie,” which usually prompts, “Yeah, but what do you do?”

My next answer is, “Well, today I took the dog for a walk and had a nice nap.” I’ve stopped being the consultant, the dog owner, the victim, or the gardener and started just being Julie.

3. Get rid of the baggage.

Once a month, I go through every closet and donate items I haven’t worn or used in awhile. We tend to live excessively, and it’s liberating to not let material possessions define you.

4. Meditate.

Even if I only have five minutes, I pull into the parking garage at work, fold my legs in the driver’s seat, and close my eyes. Dropping the day’s to-do list allows me to focus on the now.

5. Stay connected with genuine friends.

Real friends will be honest with how you land. I’ve started having regular check-ins with friends that will speak honestly about the energy I emit.

By the way, my friend replied to that email:

“You will find a piece of Marfa if it is within you now.”

It is here, deep within my chest. It radiates soothing sunlight and power. It is beautiful and it shines.

Photo by katiaromanova

About Julia Manuel

Julia Manuel is a writer & strategic communications specialist in Northern Virginia. An assistant with a Baptiste-affiliated yoga studio, she hopes to empower students to achieve unity between mind & body while giving back to the community that has helped her live authentically. Visit her at Bangs, a Beard, and Ballyhoo.

See a typo, an inaccuracy, or something offensive? Please contact us so we can fix it!
Announcement: Tired of feeling stuck? Learn to let go of the past & create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • sos

    This moved me.. I can totally understand. Who am I???

  • Ashley

    Julia, this piece is beautiful. Your writing flows so eloquently and I truly hear your voice coming through. I agree with sos below, this absolutely moved me! Abandoning the familiar is ever so uncomfortable yet so liberating… I cannot thank you enough for sharing.

  • Lindarp3

    I had a similar experience, I think many women do.  What an inspiring article.  Thanks for sharing your experiences!

  • unionmaid

    i was in a long, dark place for quite awhile too. denied myself time and again & squeezed down my feelings till they could only pop out sideways — not a good thing. one day i’m watching the 25th anniversary of Les Miserables on public television. Jean Val Jean is belting out, “Who am I?” and I find myself in tears because it dawns on me that I could not answer that for myself. This was just one of the many sign posts I started to read in my journey back to my true self. I’m still on the road, loaded down with so many happy moments after years of not knowing what happy looked like or felt like. Thank you for writing about your journey — blessings on your travels ahead sister!

  • I love this post. I have been on this journey over the past few years as well. I’ve had to re-evaluate my beliefs about the world and my beliefs about myself. I have to stop judging the thoughts I have and really explore to see what they mean and where they’re coming from. I am at the end of a yoga teacher training which was a major catalyst for work I had already been doing so I have definitely learned so much more in such a short amount of time. 

    I really enjoy your blog and get so much out of it. Thank you!!

  • Julia

    Thank you for the encouragement!  I really appreciated your story.  It really is a journey, but at least having the awareness and mindfulness makes it so worthwhile. Thank you again!

  • Julia

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I still ask myself that question everyday, and the answer continues to become more authentic.

  • Julia

    Judging the thoughts … that is exact struggle.  I constantly remind myself that they are just thoughts, nothing more.  Thank you so much for saying that.  Thank you for your wisdom and time today!

  • Julia

    Thank you too.  I am so honored by the support and feedback today.

  • Julia

    Thank you so much Ashley! I couldn’t have said it better myself!  It’s that delicate mix of the unknown and freedom that can be absolutely intimidating yet so important to breakthrough. 

  • Discovering who I really am and accepting that person is probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do and am still doing. I appreciate this post so much!

  • Deborah

    “That moment of clarity in the desert ultimately led to rediscovery, which was
    uncomfortable. I wasn’t leaving the apartment because all I had was myself, and
    I didn’t know or trust that person.”

    This totally encapsulates my experience
    when I made the decision to move towards a more authentic life.  I felt/feel naked when relating to people
    because I didn’t have my manipulations to hide behind…it is a slow process just
    showing up as “Deb”. Thanks for the pointers, they’re a-w-e-s-o-m-e! 😀

  • Guest

    you should move back to SF. That city is awesome. Anyways, this story is really relatable for me. “The victim” and letting people control me, my mom especially is a battle I fight w everyday. I’m hoping to move back to SF w a few friends so I can grow responsibility and confidence. I’m not running away, I’m going to grow.

  • What a beautiful piece…Thank you for sharing a part of your story with us, Julia. Your writing is touching and, no surprise here, authentic! I love it. 🙂

    Peace!

  • Thulasi Menon

    Thanks Julia.. like many others here.. i relate to this and it has been very reassuring to not be alone in the path.. its a strugglee to stare back into your soul and not lose sight.. but i remind myself that i need to keep going! One of the steps i try to remin myself to do apart from meditate is gratitude… a note of gratitude for the lil things everyday irrespective of how negativ i feel towards peole or situations.. after the process.. it does wonders and it helps me regain a lot of peace and clear my focus.. keep writing! 🙂

  • Elaine R.

    Thank you for this… Especially the part about saying who you are and not what you are. Excellent

  • Elaine R.

    I read through some of the posts… About authenticity…just yesterday I was called very “abrasive” the old me would have raked myself over the coals read two self help books and had endless discussions with my sister. The new me just said this . ” So tell me would that be 80 grit, 120 or 200″.?

    Make it a great day. Elaine

  • Alexis Sclamberg

    Beautiful post -I believe your awareness is what’s most important. Once you’re mindful of the ways you define yourself, you have the power to not only find yourself but create yourself!

  • Alexis Sclamberg

    I should mention I write about these same issues! You can find me at http://www.alexissclamberg.com. I’d also love to connect – my Twitter is @AlexisSclamberg

    Thanks again for sharing this post!

  • This has to be one of the best pieces I’ve read on Tiny Buddha, and I’ve been reading the daily updates for a few months now.

    I think this spoke to me so much because I see a lot of myself in this story. Over the past few years, I’ve been on a massive journey of self-discovery. I still haven’t reached my destination. It’s a continual process of trying to define myself.

    I love how you’ve started “just being Julia”. I feel inspired and re-energised to carry on with my quest to live authentically and be who I really am.

  • ij

    how inspiring! love this. thank you for sharing 🙂

  • Ms. T

    I guess I am not alone in my struggle of breaking my mothers control over me. It has led to a warped sense of myself and my worth. It has clouded my judgement in many areas of my life, most importantly my relationships. I have recently made some changes in my life in an effort to break free. I am determined to grow. I refuse to shrink back like a child any longer. I have angered a lot of people, most especially my mother, but I have to stand and watch the chains break free and drop to the ground. Its scary and uncomfortable. I feel guilty, but I feel it is a fight for my life.