You Have to Know What Kind of Love You Deserve to Attract It


“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi

My ex used to stomp out of the house every time we had an argument.

Literally, he would leave. And usually before he left he’d smash something. One time it was a lamp; another time it was a cast iron skillet and the tile floor it landed on.

He would stay away for about an hour, driving his sports car really fast to let off steam.

I know this because when he returned, he’d tell me that his sports car helped him deal with the frustrations I caused him.

I frustrated him.

I didn’t mean to frustrate him. I certainly didn’t mean to make him angry.

All I wanted to do was talk. I was having a problem and I was under the impression that people in a relationship were supposed to solve problems by discussing them.

But somehow, our discussions would turn into arguments.

And maybe a third of the way through the argument, I would have no idea what the initial discussion was about. The conversation would have turned so many corners that I’d need a map to get out. And the argument would usually end by me not understanding his feelings.

It was very confusing to me.

I found it hard to maintain a civil conversation when I wasn’t even sure what we were talking about.

So after a few years of this, I learned to stop having any discussion about anything that may have upset him or me.

The marriage lasted 24 years, and for about 14 of those years I kept my feelings between my friends, my family, and me. I kept my feelings away from my spouse, the one I was supposed to be telling all my hopes, thoughts, and dreams to.

I agreed with almost everything he wanted. I moved where he wanted, I cooked the way he wanted me to, we bought things he wanted. I was living his life, not mine.

Let me be clear, we lived an outwardly enviable life. By most standards, we had everything that money could buy, plus some.

I wasn’t complaining. We raised two beautiful boys, lived in a resort town, had a beautiful home, entertained, and had many friends. We were involved in the community and were both successful business people.

From the outside, our marriage was beautiful. Friends commented on how our marriage seemed so together. It seemed as though we had the world at our feet.

I was always surprised by these comments—not because I felt like we didn’t have it all together, but because there was something missing. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Let’s fast forward.

After my daughter was born, things started going south. The boys grew up and went to college. I was looking forward to getting our relationship back on track, but he had other ideas.

He was scared for the future, scared to death—what would we talk about? Wow, all I wanted to do was talk. What to talk about was the least of my worries. It was then that I realized I was in a marriage with a man who was afraid to communicate, to show his vulnerability. It was a lonely place to be.

So he found someone else he could communicate with and left the marriage. He recognized that I could not give him what he wanted.

I wish I had been that aware.

Five years have passed since then and I am dating. I have met a man who I really like. I am falling in love. He is kind, honest, has amazing integrity, and we have a lot in common.

But in this new relationship I’ve put up many walls. Here’s one wall I recently knocked down:

My doctor called me regarding a minor medical test I had done. There seemed to be a problem, and he wanted to run some further tests.

So I went to his office. He told me that he was going to biopsy some cells and send them off, and if they were cancerous I shouldn’t be alarmed.

“Don’t worry, we’ll take care of this,” he said.

Okay. I don’t know about you, but I think the words “cancer” and “don’t worry” should not be allowed in the same sentence.

I wasn’t worried; I was beyond worried. I was convinced this was a death sentence!

After the biopsy, I called my friend. I lamented and cried. I was sure my life was over. And the worst part was that I was absolutely convinced that my new boyfriend would dump me.

He had lovingly nursed his wife through cancer only to lose the battle. I was sure he would want nothing to do with a girl with health problems, and that he would run for the hills. After all, that’s what I was used to.

So I didn’t call him—at least not then.

I went home and fretted. I got caught up in my thoughts. My thoughts told me that I was no good. That, although I have been healthy all my life, this one diagnosis was being thrown at me to ruin the potentially wonderful relationship I had landed in.

I had worked so hard to find a man that could communicate in an open honest way, and now this?

After dinner, I calmed myself down and got up the nerve to call my boyfriend. I told him the results. There was a moment of silence and he asked me, “Why didn’t you call me earlier?”

I had no idea how to respond.

“Um, because I was afraid you would leave. I will give you an out if you don’t want to deal with this situation.”

There was a longer pause on the other end.

“Why would I want to leave?”

I stammered, “Because you shouldn’t have to deal with a situation like this after what you’ve been through.”

“Melissa, a relationship is about two people who care for each other. It’s not about leaving when something goes wrong. It’s about being there for the good and the bad. We’ll just have to work through this,” he lovingly replied.

Really? There are actually people like this? Wow, this wasn’t what I was used to.

I was sure he had a bunch of Hallmark cards in his lap, and the pauses were so he could sort through them to make sure he said the right thing.

I was honestly dumbfounded.

I lived in a marriage where one minute I was told I was loved, and the next minute he would leave. I had learned in my marriage that when the going got tough, you split. I had no idea that someone would want to hang around and want to help me through an ordeal I was facing, I was so used to going it alone. I had no idea what a real relationship was.

A habit had been formed in my life that when things got a little bit difficult, which it inevitably does, that if you just get rid of the difficult situation, life will go on smoothly. Just sweep the problem out the door.

My new relationship was teaching me love is strong, love is kind, and love sticks around.

I had spent so much time trying to convince myself that I had everything in my relationship that I wanted, I couldn’t see that I hadn’t attracted what I deserved. In not being true to myself, and honoring my own desires, wants, and needs, I found myself in a dysfunctional relationship. I had attracted exactly what I was trying to avoid.

It took a medical slap in the face for me to understand that until I learned to respect myself, no one was going to do that job for me.

It wasn’t until I started to be open and honest with what I really wanted, and doing the hard work of speaking my truth, that I then attracted someone into my life that had the qualities I deserved and desired.

So if there’s one message I’d like to share, it’s: Own what you believe and don’t be shy about speaking it. That’s the first step toward the love you deserve.

Photo by tamakisono

About Melissa Terrels

Melissa Terrels is a yoga instructor living in Southern NJ. She spends her time taking care of her daughter and learning about life. Her passions are introducing people to the benefits of yoga, art, friendship and nature.

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  • Kai Soremekun

    I love that Rumi quote. I’ve always thought the hard part of
    relationship is taking responsibility for your part in it. It’s so easy
    to blame the other person especially if they’re an a**hole. 🙂

    The light has just recently been shined on a barrier of my own that I must deal with so this was perfect timing.

    Thank you for being brave enough to share your story.

  • Ah… very true. The whole world is but a giant mirror, helping us to become our ideal selves!

  • Jennifer Holik-Urban

    As I read this it was like reading my own life. Seriously. I had tears in my eyes when I was done reading. I’ve done a good job of breaking down that wall the last year plus but haven’t had the ‘test’ of a real relationship yet. A few dates here and there. But I have a very good friend who has helped me regain a sense that all men aren’t bad. There are some who stick around, listen, love you and help you through things. And I stand up now for what I want. So I wait and see what enters my life. Thanks for your post. It was absolutely needed at this point in my life.

  • rose1984

    So what do you do when you are still in marriage like that and you want to stay with him? After 11 years can you start speaking up for yourself and expect it to work?

  • Jean

    Thank you, Melissa. I recognized my marriage in the first several paragraphs. Hearing you describe it makes it seem so obvious how lopsided and not okay it is to operate that way. I’ve been coming to awareness about it for some time now, so it’s not the first time I’ve “seen” my situation. There was a time that I was actively trying to be invisible in my marriage–so that I would barely be showing up at all, and maybe wouldn’t do anything to “make” him angry with me. But it never worked, I always showed up just a little, or made some mistake, or he found something anyway. For about four years now I have been on a slow journey of rescuing myself, and awakening. Something I decided to do within the marriage. I found yoga, meditation, mindfulness, reiki, loving friends. I am finding and learning to live my truth. Except it appears that my truth does not fit inside my marriage. My husband has tried to grow–and has grown, in fact–but at this point it looks very much as though my marriage cannot bear the weight of my full presence. Something else: I had witheld something significant about my past from him, and he experienced this as devastating pain and betrayal; he has not been able to forgive me. I cannot survive being held in unforgiveness. If our relationship were otherwise healthy, this aspect would be something I’d be willing to tackle, nurse, fight through. Actually, I’ve spent the last year doing that, and it just isn’t happening. And our relationship is not otherwise healthy, and he seems unable to recognize the full impact of his verbal abuse, especially since he believes himself to be the victim of my deceit. In my own growth in self-love, I am coming to know the kind of love that I deserve, and it is rocking my marriage boat big time. I am praying to be willing and to become ready to lovingly act on that, but it is quite terrifying.
    Melissa, keep doing those heart openers! <3 And thank you for bravely sharing this part of your story. I wonder how mine will turn out. Marked by awakening, compassion, love, and light, I hope.
    A Sister.

  • Diana

    The description of your marriage sounded like the (short) relationship I had before I married my husband. It was brimming with emotional manipulation and abuse. I was very sad that you lived in that emotional cave for so many years, but also recognized how wonderful that you had people to lean on instead.
    I hope that anyone who reads this piece and recognizes their relationship in your description, considers long and hard just how much damage is being caused to them. These types of feelings in a marriage can be intentional or not, therapy can help or not, you may stay together or not…but if you have shut your emotions away for fear of your SOs reactions, something *must* change.

  • Maria

    “I kept my feelings away from my spouse, the one I was supposed to be telling all my hopes, thoughts, and dreams to.”

    That’s the only line that didn’t resonate with me. I don’t think it’s a good idea to expect one person to meet all our needs. It does take that proverbial village to support us. But yes, a life companion/spouse/partner should be a person we feel comfortable talking with about anything.

  • Jessica

    Awesome piece! I experienced this same marriage that you wrote about… I am also in a new relationship with the most amazing man and currently working on breaking down the walls I learned to build over the years, learning how to communicate, learning how to Love.
    Thanks for this! <3

  • Hi Rose1984, I don’t think you are truly living unless you speak your truth. How he hears your truth is up to him. Good luck and stay strong.

  • wow! so timely for me!

    “I was so used to going it alone. I had no idea what a real relationship was.”

    Just this morning I had a very sad ah-ha moment. I realized in a profound way how long I’ve been going it emotionally alone. That pain is deep and wide. I can follow it back to my earliest memories and I see it clear as day in the relationships of today.

    Thank you for this. I’m not sure how to attract real love to my life, but that is my concious intention now.

  • Thank you Maria, and you’re right , no one can fulfill all our needs. I didn’t expect him to meet all my needs, but I wanted a person I could be vulnerable with in a non-judgmental way. Thank you for pointing that out.

  • Thank you for your open hearted reply Jennifer. There are good men out there and sometimes I think they are as confused as we are! Don’t wait and see what enters your life, go get it!

  • Jean

    I agree…Rose1984, I think you can start living your truth and see what happens. It seems to me that the relationship will either go through a shift and make room for you, or it will collapse. And I think you need to be willing to accept either outcome as a possibility… Like Melissa said, how–or if–he hears you is not something you can control. Love to you.

  • Renee

    This really resonated with me. At the start of my last relationship we will full of hope, communicated very well, exactly the kind of thing that I thought I wanted. We seemed to be on the same page, wanting the same things. We were truly learning how to support each other. But as the relationship evolved, he withdrew. It was so strange. I felt lonely. I started to do more and more things by myself (socializing, writing, exercising) – and felt alone even when we were doing things together. There was still a huge gap in the relationship, which finally culminated in us splitting up. It seemed to me he wanted to get as far away from me as possible. I had that feeling almost constantly and it made me feel awful. No matter what I did for myself, I never got away from that sense that he wanted distance from me.

    Even though we’ve been split up for a bit, I still have a hard time accepting this.

    I am having a hard time believing that love sticks around, or understanding how, but it must be true. So maybe it will happen sometime.

  • Thank you:)

  • I’m sorry Renee you are going through this right now. You can only break down your walls. Thank you for posting.

  • Thanks Julie. There is a lot of good advice on this site. I had to be happy with myself and love myself before I could attract the same. Good luck.

  • Thanks Kai. Taking responsibility took me years, blame is easy! Once you are aware of the barriers, they are easier to knock down. And being brave is scary! Thanks again.

  • Dee Dee

    Hope you lead a long, healthy and happy life with the man you love 🙂

  • zgirl

    Jean, you are not alone. I love how you said your marriage cannot bear the weight of your full presence. That is such perfect phrasing. My husband has tried and grown, but still it is not enough. And I had discovered that I was beginning to feel bad about wanting my emotional needs met. I don’t want to feel bad about who I am and what I need. I am ready to get out of limbo and find the love I deserve even if that means me alone, just loving myself. I am worth it.

  • Julie

    What a beautiful post. It resonates perfectly with me at the moment. I have had a series of hopeless relationships for the past 8 years as I didn’t think any man would cope with my 13 year old son who is disabled. I now realise that was my belief only and why i have attracted these wrong relationships. I do deserve someone who will accept my son and support me throughout my life. Thank you. I have renewed hope. Julie

  • What a beautiful story and lovely message. You are completely right, no one will ever give you the love you want unless you can love yourself first. I’m happy that you found someone willing to experience life’s ups and downs with you:)

  • That’s great Diana! So true for me. I didn’t recognize it while I lived it and I can guarantee that my Ex does not see it this way. Thanks for posting.

  • Thank you Julie. Doesn’t it feel good to let those restrictive beliefs go?

  • Thank you Jean. You have eloquently stated that you are realizing that by not living your truth you cannot have an authentic life. We all deserve to give and receive open and honest love. Relationships can’t work without that. It is terrifying to face our own truths, that’s why I don’t think many do it. But I’m sure you will find that once you do, you will be in a happier place. And I will keep practicing heart openers, they really work!

  • Icecreambubbletea

    Beautiful post. I can relate to you. One of my ex and I had almost similar situation. Our discussions only ends up with arguments and the exact same thing he did was tO get into the car and sped off leaving me behind. I too loved him so much. I did the things he wanted. I stopped sharing how I feel and my worries to anyone too…and he left me for another girl too…

    I’m glad that you have found a man who is willing to love and accept who you are. Don’t give up on the fight against cancer. May all the healing power be with you.

  • Icecreambubbletea

    Your post helped me too.. Thank you. With Metta

  • Jean


  • Jean

    <3 Thank you. What you express feels so familiar to me too. Love and light to you zgirl.

  • yes, and this type of relationship doesn’t have to be romantic. i have similar experience’s with members of my family and former friends. real love allows for imperfection and is compassionate. it doesn’t blow-up and run away because it doesn’t want to deal. if you can’t safely express yourself to your spouse, then who can you really?

  • Karen

    Thanks Melissa for your honesty.

    When we understand and accept that we create everything in our lives, it is then we can start to see changes and allow are true self to be free. I wish you happiness along your journey.


  • Alexa

    Wow, thanks for writing this. I hope my comment and some of the other dozens of positive comments here tell you the good you’ve done for others by posting this story from your personal life.
    I wanted to share that and to remark that I have had a very similar experience but with my family – parents and siblings. We never resolved any problems we had with each other or in our individual lives, and anytime someone would attempt to discuss something, the opposite person would immediately get angry and leave, slam the door, go to their room, or actually leave the house. My parents solved problems in their marriage this way too – my mom has been quite suppressive of herself, unfortunately, for this reason – too afraid to anger my dad, an uncommunicative man who is completely detached from his own emotions. It has taken me years to heal from these harmful ways of relating to other people and of solving problems in one’s relationships and in general in one’s life. I have struggled to maintain friendships, let alone any romantic relationships. I finally am getting to a point in my life though where I am saying, enough is enough. I want to SPEAK! I want to TALK about these things, like mature adults, and not continue having everyone in my relationships – from professional to personal – act like childish teenagers, stomping away everytime a problem comes up and blaming it on everyone and everything else around them.

    All people deserve better than that. I’m just sad that this is the way I learned to “solve” my problems, this is was I grew up being taught. What a horrible thing, to grow up into an adult and realize…actually, all I was taught was that I don’t deserve real genuine love, affection, conversation, and that my problems won’t be solved but will be blamed on me, and that I am not worth stopping and listening to as a real person with real problems…everything is supposed to be glazed over. How hurtful and shameful that behavior and attitude towards a person is! I am a human being for goodness sake! And I deserve to be treated like one! I am sick and tired of being treated like an OBJECT by everything and everyone around me.

  • Neslyn

    WOW! You’ve been through all of this, from your husband to your health situation. I am thinking that guy serves as your reward because of that strong personality of yours.


  • Hi Alexa and thanks for your post. You have the power to change what you learned. The fist step is awareness which you obviously have. Don’t get caught up in someone else’s drama. Keep your head on straight and stand in your own truth and speak from the heart. Remember, you can’t change them, only yourself.

  • Thank you Karen and so true:)

  • Thank you icecreambubbletea (cute name). Stay strong.

  • Kristine

    Your writing what is apparently many of our life stories… it has been just shy of seven years for me since he has moved out. I have been on a few first dates, but have never wanted to accept the second. I’m at the point of apathy concerning a relationship. I’m only 48, I don’t know how to move on. Where do you meet someone? I’ve always said when the time is right it will happen, but I guess he won’t come and knock at my door….

  • Kristine, I hear you and I felt the same way. Thank you for your honesty. Today there are lots of ways to meet people, there are places online, dance clubs for dancing, craft stores, volunteering opportunities… I joined outdoor groups that were super scary to go to by myself. But I did. And every person there had also been there by themselves and I met fun people. Just get out, go for walks, enjoy nature, make yourself smile. It really works. Spend time getting to know what you like, then you will attract what you want:)

  • Yvette B

    This is a sweet story of growth and love. Congrats, Melissa. It’s tough…in relationships to know all the right things to do; living for yourself while still managing to ‘be reliable for the person who’s chosen to share their life with you.’ Yet nothing is promised forever and do we, should we release the idea that someone will be there for us forever?

    All the best to you and then some,


  • Hi Yvette, I believe that if two people are on the same path and are open hearted and have good communication skills, then we do not have to release the idea that someone will be there forever. Both parties have to be active participants and if one is not, then maybe it isn’t meant to be. Thank you so much for your post.

  • Talia

    Melissa– Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. It is encouraging, and it gives me hope! I am trying to courageously open my heart…”we accept the love we think we deserve.”
    Also, did you receive the results of your biopsy? I pray that you are okay.

  • Thank you Talia and opening your heart is a work in progress! My biopsy was fine and I will be fine, thank you for asking.

  • jac

    Wow, thank you so much for this!! Firstly, it is so confirming to hear someone else speak about starting a discussion with a partner and before you know it they’re angry and I’m confused… I’d have no idea what we had been talking about, what we were now talking about, or how we got there. Most of the arguements with my ex were like this, and of course they ended with him rejecting my feelings, calling me a drama queen, and laughing at me when I finally lost my patience and would get angry. I certainly don’t miss that.
    Secondly, congratulations on finding a healthy relationship and a loving man. I’m in this boat as well. I only had one (tumultuous) year with my ex but I can see I learnt a lot of incorrect behaviours and thoughts about love, because of him, so I can only imagine your beliefs about relationships and love are even stronger than mine. But we can overcome these false beliefs!! I’m learning to find evidence to support my new theory that love is kind and patient, will listen and not scorn, and will not leave me when the going gets tough. It’s hard, but I’m pleasantly surprised every day by my new man his caring attiitude, and maybe that’s the gift I can take away from my expereince. Good luck with your journey 🙂

  • Thank you jac. I was quite surprised to see so many people in the same boat and very glad to see so many people recognizing the problem and choosing a different avenue. Good luck!

  • Sophia

    What a beautiful story reflects my life still waiting for a loving partner tho

  • Jcato

    Feel the same way…

  • Justjules

    This is exactly my situation at the moment. Coming up 13 years. We’ve just decided to separate….though we’ve been talking about it for some months I think it’s upon us now….and I’m absolutely devastated. All I want is to be loved by him, but instead he’s cold and holds me at a distance….I have to give 110% to keep it smoothly running, I feel very alone. We just communicate about the children and I feel as though my heart is breaking. He won’t go with me to counseling but both of us need to make the effort….i can’t do this all on my own….still I know I’m part of the cause. I want a spouse who will hold me close when I’m hurting, instead of pushing me away or leaving me to my pain alone…..but I love this man and it’s just the saddest situation. 🙁

  • Hi Justjules, Thank you for your comment. We all want to be loved but I found out the hard way that you cannot make someone love you. You have to love yourself first. Do you really want someone in your life who doesn’t complement your strengths? Don’t be so hard on yourself, you can do it. Go for what you want and deserve. Good luck!

  • Thank you Melissa, for sharing. Your story give me a positive vision 🙂

  • Tammy

    Hi and thank you Melissa for sharing everything that you did, I’m sure it was hard to do. I stopped dating after my daughter turned 2 years old and now that she’s 16, I started dating a wonderful man. I had a LOT of years to think about how I wanted to start a new relationship and so I decided to go into this relationship with an open heart and being totally honest with myself and him. The problem is he has walls up and I don’t and sometimes it seems so hard to break down his walls because he has severe trust issues because of women in his past and I love him with all of my heart and soul. I actually had a dream 10 years ago and then the day before I met him for the first time the same dream but I was able to see his face and it was him, the man I’m dating now. I think about him all the time and don’t know how to help him break his walls down, or even if it’s possible but I’m going to try and help him realize how much I love him, I don’t give up easily, never have.

  • mohamed

    Thank u … I have been in unhealthy relationship with a girl who I just keep doing everything thing for her , and forget my needs , the relationship ends because after everything I have done to her she keep hang out with boys who they consist as friends but I don’t think though …she hurt me I start hating relationships because I think that I will be hurt again and I had a wrong understanding of relationships …it have been 6 months now and I kept avoiding relationships even with female friends cause I think it may develop into love …
    About a month ago I met a girl who I think she is perfect , I kinda start to fall in love with her ..but when I noticed that I just start avoiding her , even she is a good person but I keep remembering my old relationship ..
    I think I will go and talk to her now …

  • Melissa Terrels

    Thanks Tammy,
    Sounds like a good start. Just remember, you can only change yourself, you can’t change others. Good luck with your new boyfriend!

  • Sheri Farnworth

    Thank you as well, I am certain I am with the right man now… I only wish he didn’t have to work so hard and out of town,, I ask for prayers that I am on the right path with this new and exciting relationship.. Please pray that we both can trust again we have both been hurt badly, Meaning we let other people take advantage of us and also the loss of my children , made me very recluse for awhile., I ask and deserve the love I have wanted my entire life.. as does he and everyone in this world,, Just we need to ask for help sometimes.. Thank you I ask this with love and gratitude.. Sangelwings.

  • Melissa Terrels

    Hi Sheri,
    Thanks for your comment. If the relationship feels good in your heart and you feel safe, stick with it. There will be bumps in the road but I have learned that how you feel is as, if not more, important then what you think.

    Sending blessings!

  • Melissa Terrels

    Hi Mohamed,
    I hope it worked out. It’s hard to put your heart out there. I keep pulling back too. But when it feels right, go for it. If it doesn’t work, it may be that it just doesn’t work. Don’t give up!

  • Smithology

    In some way I’ve found similar traits in this article with a failed relationship I tried to have. My bestfriend whom I knew for 4 years told me she liked me. I had deep feelings for her also but I hid them because I thought she didnt feel the same until that day so I told her I did also. She’s been through stuff in her life and we talked about some to see if I could help her but she doesnt like to feel vulnerable like your husband so she didn’t tell me deep issues tht were really critical or told them but didnt like going further so I stopped asking. She would tell me really cute stuff on thr phone but when we saw eqch other at school she would think about how much she’d like others to see about us. I ended up not feeling pleased so I told her with regret I dont want a relationship with her. We’re still bestfriends but she doesnt speak thoroughly her issues still and we’re both gettin closer, i’ve asked myself why i like her so much but I can’t find a direct answer other than she keeps me on track, she has direction and we both have similar interest just that she has less motivation to do them. I don’t want to move on, I see her everyday and she’s my bestfriend. I’d like her to feel secure and that she can trust me even more than She does now, I’d like to be able to tell her “I feel bad” and she’s tried to make it better, our relationship is really weird but we both like being with each other it’s just weird. The only thing i know to do to achieve what I want is to keep it cool and act like another friend but I feel awful when I’m with another girl but I also need that kind of attention. I’m a senior, I’m confused.

  • Lex

    I currently just ended a relationship with someone I thought I would end up with; a cold, bad communicator and a runner until he was ready to talk (or not talk it out).

    Thank you. For this. It’s always hard to see the light at the other end of the tunnel. It’s good to see it can come up when you least expect it.

  • Hannen-Amelia

    This was needed and beautiful thankyou x

  • It sounds like maybe you both need to get a little more experience under your belt. Stay friends, friends are great and if it’s meant to be something more, time may help with that. Thanks for your reply.

  • Hi Lex, It is really hard to see something that may not work when you are in the middle of it. Thanks for the comment.

  • Thanks Hannen-Amelia!

  • Zil

    Thank you for a heartfelt post. Seems like this is an old post, but i am reading it now! I am just a little confused by the ending however. You state things like, “until I learned to respect myself….” “..until I started to be open and honest….” etc. It seems to me that these things occured as a result of the new relationship, not that the relationship occured because of these things. Maybe I missed some part of the transformation? I am very interested in this.

  • Hi Zil,
    It was a little of both. This post is old and frankly, I have come a long way since then. I had been working on myself and thought I was set. Then I landed in this relationship, which I am still in, thinking I was really emotionally healthy. I was, but have become more so since I am in a relationship where we are both our own people. No one controls the other and we respect each others individuality. Thanks for the thoughts, Melissa.

  • Snowflake of the Month

    Warning: not all men respond to a potential medical crisis like this.

    In fact, get it through your heads that most will not.

    It was this, in fact, that convinced me I was done once and for all with men. There’s no way on this world’s surface a woman would respond to a possible cancer diagnosis in the heartless manner males instinctively do.

    I’m grateful for the epiphany, though, looking back on it. Thanks for nothing, a-holes. Now I know what gender of lover I was destined for. <3

  • Snowflake of the Month

    “that all men aren’t bad.”

    This makes me genuinely sad 🙁

    We are so brainwashed as a gender. Jesus but we are. Yes, maybe not all, but enough you should be a little more cautious. Just because all snakes are not poisonous, do you dump buckets of rattlers into your bed, I wonder?

    This woman, for one, WILL NEVER.

  • Snowflake of the Month,
    I used to think like you did. I was angry at how I had been treated. But I met a man who proved my thought process wrong.
    Thank you for your comment.