I am the emotional scapegoat for my parents relationship. They take their problems out on me. I don’t need to explain it, I forgive them for it.

A lot has happened recently. My therapist lied to me when I was on the brink of suicide. He lied saying he did care about me. I know he doesn’t, I forgive him for lying.

Surely, there’s a simpler route to well-being and happiness. My dysfunctional behaviour comes from feeling unloved and therefore I don’t wish to confront my own issues as I don’t care.

I guess if I surrounded myself with caring, compassionate people I wouldn’t have this issue.

Where do these people live? Would they welcome me?

Best wishes

Ben

Hey

My therapist said I have a good awareness for feelings. I am very aware of what I am feeling in the moment and that I feel them more intensly than others.

In regards to a strong ego I in the past was a very strong minded individual who was  closed minded and incredibly judgemental, still am to a degree. If you know a man called Piers Morgan, imagine an 18 year old version of him times 10 essentially.

The work I’m referring to is my current job, it’s very difficult I feel for me to ask for help with work because it is embarrasing and makes me feel weak.

I also want to make aware that I had a session with my therapist last night and I had a very interesting experience where we spoke very little and I just felt. The feelings were of laughter at the realisation of my insanity, then the feeling of sadness of how that insanity makes me miserable. Then the feeling of fear of what appeared to be a fear of reality, coming out of my mind.

VJ – I have really taken on what you’ve advised. I will come back to your comment soon.

Best wishes

Ben

apologies for language

I want to say thank you for reaching out and responding to my post.

I feel like depression and anger are the two states I experience most.

A lot has happened since my last post. I have realised the truth of my parents relationship and fallen out my an old and close friend.

firstly the truth behind their relationship troubles and ultimately how I have been raised has been under an illusion of hiding certain feelings. My dad takes my mum for granted and i had to tell her the other day that he makes no effort and she is avoiding this herself. Telling her this in an effort to move forward as a family was the worst thing I’ve ever done and to see how sad she was in that moment. I wonder if this was not necessary.

Anyway, regardless of this, my anger towards my dad and the reason behind it has been uncovered but this doesn’t relieve me of this emotional state.

i have as you’ve said above been very still and focusing my awareness of my body and the feelings presently being experienced. There have been many and they are fundamentally confusing because my sense of identity is trapped in it.

i find the concept of letting go of anger or other emotions to be confusing. Who is letting go? I want to let go of all the pain but I’ve been feeling my pain body for months and yet to no avail.

i have been happy being unhappy as you say bizarrely. I have watched and read lots of personal development videos but I find the topic confuses with the topic of spirituality.

How can I know who or what to trust to be making me better?

I feel exhausted and overwhelmed at how many issues I have to come to terms with. Is life testing my patience?

although I’ve written a fairly lengthy response I don’t want complex analysis, I just want internal change. My exhaustion and fatigue is unbearable.

best wishes and again I appreciate your help massively.

ben

Hi VJ

thabks for responding to my post.

yea so active mind i mean both what you’ve said there really, a fogging to the point where I almost feel sick an overwhelming of thinking and confusion about everything from what I do next to the purpose of the universe, I’m sick of and from my thinking. Many thoughts and deep thoughts combined with fogging.

in terms of the spirituality I’ve been into I can say that eckhart role has been influential in terms of his wisdom on an intellectual level less so on an experiential level. This has been for the last 2/3 years I’d say since my depression started about 6 years ago.

no I mean manifests highly, I’ve been a professional sportsman, started up small businesses and other bits and pieces and when I’m happy I enjoy life very fully and feel very happy but this is so infrequent.

So in regards to the comment about English people’s dysfunction I mean the common traits could be seen as lack of emotional understanding and traditional approach to relationships and insecurities masked by class perhaps. I guess I’m trying to describe my character, dysfunctional traits combined with over analytical and active mind. I hope this gives some insight?

I’ve done the following:

TM meditation

Mindfulness Meditation (8 week programme)

CBT therapy

talking therapy (counsellor)

Reflective therapy (still doing currently, most effective thus far, I think it’s called this but basically it’s where the therapist or person isn’t really in the room all the therapy is reflective of me and my feelings that I’ve experienced in the past and then in the room).

sertraline medication (150mg a day for 3 months now)

other medications but for short periods of time I guess I didn’t really give it a chance.

a new Earth, power of now eckhart tolle.

i think there’s a common theme by way of my inability to have patience and try something out.

ive been told I have a high capacity for awareness or growth by my therapist who I’m currently seeing who is a highly qualified therapist (qualified being key word).

anything else please let me know and thanks for helping.

best wishes

ben