Dear peter:

I will start with processing what you shared at the end of your second, recent post:

“Then this morning as I woke I had the intuition to step back and let these notions we’ve been exploring go for – their is a time to think and analyze and a time to treasure up and ponder in ones heart”-

– your intuition prompted you to step back and let go of the intellectual exploration and analysis we’ve been engaging in. This implies a shift from active thinking and problem-solving to a more passive and reflective state.

You acknowledge that there is a time to think and analyze, which involves actively engaging with ideas, breaking them down, and seeking to understand them logically and intellectually. Conversely, you recognize that there is also a time to “treasure up and ponder in one’s heart.” This suggests a period of reflection and contemplation, where the focus is on deeply feeling the ideas rather than dissecting them. It’s about allowing the insights to settle within and resonate on a more emotional and intuitive level.

I agree that there needs to be a balance between intellectual analysis and emotional reflection. While analyzing and thinking are important for understanding concepts, it’s equally crucial to take time to step back, reflect, and let these notions resonate within the heart. This approach allows for a more holistic and integrated understanding of the ideas, connecting both the mind and the heart.

“That said looking back at some old journal entries I noticed that I’ve struggled with my relationship with the notion of hope so I might explore that in my next posts.”-

– The act of looking back at old journal entries indicates a period of reflection and introspection. It shows that you are revisiting your past thoughts and experiences to gain insights and understand your current state of mind. You acknowledge that you have struggled with your relationship with the concept of hope, that you found it challenging to understand or maintain a positive relationship with it.

The struggle with hope implies emotional complexity, as hope is often intertwined with expectations, dreams, and uncertainties about the future. You expressed an intention to explore the notion of hope in your future posts. This indicates a proactive approach to understanding and addressing your struggles with hope. It shows a willingness to delve deeper into your feelings and thoughts on the subject.

The desire to explore hope further suggests a commitment to personal growth and self-improvement. By examining your relationship with hope, you aim to gain clarity and possibly find a more constructive way to engage with it.

“‘Love is the one thing we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’ — Dr. Brand, Interstellar”- I feel it right now, an Eternal Now kind of right now. I feel it. And indeed, as I feel it, I don’t feel a need for labels and measurements. There is no problem in the feeling of it, therefore, nothing to solve, nothing to think about.

My thoughts: generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. Our brains label for survival just like any other organism (trees label sunlight as desirable- without the thinking- and grow toward it, seeking it; a unicellular protozoan labels acidic water as dangerous, and actively moves away from it). Living solely in the Eternal requires a non-functioning brain on our parts, as humans.

It’s about living in both, letting go of attachment to one or the other. Not labeling either one as superior to the other.

I want to reply further later, Thurs morning. But before I leave your thread for the day, about hope: the image that comes to my mind is that of little kid, me as a girl, you as a boy: we wouldn’t have any trouble stating what we hope for back then, would we? I mean, before fear took too much place in our hearts and minds.

If you ask peter the young boy: “what do you hope for?” What will he say?

I am asking anita the young girl: “what do you hope for?” I answer: LIFE! I want to LIVE! I want to LIVE!” (interestingly, I didn’t say “I hope to live”. I said: I want to live).

Back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Bella:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge your struggles and reach out for support.

It’s most important that you acknowledge your feelings without judgment because all your feelings carry valid messages, messages that will help you if you allow them (your feelings aka emotions) to tell you what those messages are. It doesn’t mean that any action taken based on a feeling is okay to take. It means that healing and help come from befriending your feelings. They are here (within you) to tell you things you need to know.

This is what emotional intelligence is about: (1) accepting your feelings without any negative judgment, not saying to yourself something like: I am a bad person for feeling this or that, but saying to yourself: it’s okay for me to feel whatever it is that I am feeling. All my feelings carry messages that I need to hear, messages that will promote my mental health and make me a better person to myself and to others, (2) listening to the messages and making choices that honor your feelings, choices that help yourself and others.

I now want to look into your experiences and feelings:

“I have too much generational trauma that I am trying to break open on my own and address it within my own family”-
– this implies (and correct me if I am wrong or not fully correct in regard to all of my assumptions and understandings) that you feel overwhelmed by the weight of the generational trauma in your family, feeling isolated and alone in trying to resolve generational trauma on your own, without support, or any adequate support, from your family or from anyone else.

“I have moved out and constantly worrying about my mother”- this sentence reveals a range of emotions, including guilt for having moved out, anxiety about your mother’s emotional state, separation anxiety perhaps, ambivalence, overwhelm.

“I am that individual who constantly worries”- this sentence suggests that you have a deeply ingrained habit of worrying, which likely stems from your childhood experiences. Maybe your mother exhibited high levels of anxiety or worry, and you felt unsafe. This easily leads to a heightened sense of vigilance and worry.

For a child to feel safe, the child needs her mother (as the primary or sole caretaker) to be dependably calm, strong, in charge of herself, able to handle her own emotions with emotional intelligence and resilience.

Reads like you didn’t have such a mother, nor a reliable support system during your childhood. In the absence of external support, you may have learned to rely on yourself from a young age, taking on responsibilities prematurely, such as caring for siblings, managing household tasks, or being your mother’s “therapist”, so to fix her, so that she can become the calm, stable and strong mother you needed her to be.

* Parentification occurs when a child takes on the role of caregiver or emotional supporter for their parent, essentially reversing the traditional parent-child roles. This can happen due to various factors, such as a parent’s emotional instability, health issues, or other circumstances that require the child to step in.

Your constant worry about your mother suggests that you feel a strong sense of responsibility for her well-being, which is characteristic of parentification.

When a child is parentified, the child puts her own childhood on hold, taking on an adult role, prioritizing her mother’s needs… until such time that the mother is strong enough to allow the child to be a child again. But when the mother never rises to the occasion, the child gets to be physically an adult without ever being (emotionally) a child. T(his happens to be my experience growing up with my mother).

“I am that individual who has love/hate relationship with her mother”- the love/hate dynamic can stem from feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities you had to take on and feeling anger or resentment for not having the strong, supportive parent you needed.

Moving out and struggling with independence can reflect the difficulty of separating from a role you were forced into at a young age, that of… your mother’s mother, and feeling that by moving out and focusing on yourself, you are leaving behind/ neglecting a child. You may also feel guilt for being angry at your mother as well as for seeking your own independence.

These love/ hate feelings are valid as they reflect your unmet needs and the emotional burden you had to carry.

“I recently got into a bad fight with my partner where I heard some pretty hurtful things like ‘if you were a man, you’d be a wife-beater’ or ‘that I am an abusive person’ for constantly raising my voice at tasks not being done at home or not taking responsibility of making our new space home because they are busy tending to their own mother… I am that individual that I find faults in every single individual that I cross paths with and form judgements too quickly”-

– Growing up with parentification, you may have taken on significant responsibilities and roles that required you to be in control of your environment and outcomes. This need for control can manifest in your adult relationships, where you feel compelled to ensure tasks are done and responsibilities are met.

Your partner’s comments about you being controlling and abusive for raising your voice may stem from your heightened sense of responsibility and frustration when others don’t meet your expectations. This behavior can be a direct result of having had to manage responsibilities and even parent her own parent from a young age.

Raising her voice when tasks aren’t done might indicate difficulties in emotional regulation. Growing up in a stressful environment where you had to take on adult roles, you may not have had the chance to develop healthy ways to manage your emotions.

The intense emotions you express during conflicts, seems to me, are at least partly a release of pent-up anger and resentment from your childhood. These feelings could be directed at your partner as a misplaced outlet for the frustrations you felt towards your mother or the situation you were in, as a child:

During your childhood, having had to assume roles and responsibilities that were beyond your years created, I assume, a sense of being neglected emotionally and practically by your mother, being that you (and your mother) prioritized her needs over your own. Fast forward, your partner tends to their own mother and doesn’t contribute equally to their shared responsibilities at home, and you perceive this as a form of neglect. This echoes your childhood experience, where you felt your own needs were secondary to your mother’s.

In other words, your partner’s actions can trigger past feelings of being neglected and burdened. You might feel a sense of injustice, feeling that once again, you are left to shoulder responsibilities without adequate support.

Your quickness to find faults in others and judge them can also be a defense mechanism. It might be your way of asserting control and ensuring that things are done to prevent the chaos or neglect you experienced in your childhood.

Understanding this dynamic can help you recognize the source of your reactions and work towards healthier ways of managing your emotions and interactions.

Establishing clear boundaries with your mother and your partner is important. Self-compassion can help you manage your feelings of guilt and responsibility. Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga can help you manage stress and improve your emotional regulation. Continuing to journal so to process your emotions help with clarity. It can be a therapeutic way to explore your thoughts and feelings (here on your thread perhaps?)

Back to the concept of all feelings are valid, all having helpful messages for you, here are a few possible messages carried by your feelings:

Feeling lost and overwhelmed=> message: I need direction and clarity in my life!

Feeling anxiety and worry about your mother=> I needed and loved my mother so very much, from the beginning of my life, I am a loving person!

Guilt about moving out and gaining independence=> message: I have a strong sense of duty and loyalty, I am a loyal person!

Love/Hate for your mother=> message: I still have a strong attachment to her even though she didn’t meet my needs and burdened me so; I need to weaken this attachment and find ways to prioritize and meet my needs!

Frustration and anger at mother, partner and others=> message: I need to be prioritized, I matter!!!

Each of your feelings carries a valuable and positive messages. By understanding the underlying messages, you can navigate your emotions with greater self-awareness and purpose, turning challenges into opportunities for personal development.

anita

Dear Peter:

I am (!) Looking forward to read, process and and reply Thurs morning.

Anita

Dear Arden:

It’s a good feeling for me, a very good feeling every time you submit a post and I get to read from you. Thank you for sharing your thoughtful reflections and experiences once again. It’s clear that you’ve been navigating a very complex and challenging situation, and your insights are both profound and valuable.

It’s good to read that you’ve found clarity and understanding about the importance of personal space. Recognizing its value in your busy life is indeed one of the most crucial lessons, and prioritizing it can significantly improve your well-being.

Your feelings of resentment towards your friend are completely valid. It’s challenging when someone’s way of helping doesn’t fit your needs and preferences. Effective communication is key, and it’s understandable that it is difficult to bond with someone who doesn’t respect your ways. Reflecting on how you might have similar tendencies shows your deep self-awareness and willingness to grow.

Your ongoing journey to understand and manage ego is admirable. It’s a complex aspect of human nature and your recognition of its role in your professional dynamics with your friend and her brother is insightful.

It reads like you’ve been working incredibly hard to support and motivate your friend, despite the challenges. Your dedication and efforts are commendable. It’s understandable to feel stressed and resentful when your hard work isn’t reciprocated or appreciated.

Maintaining your self-respect and setting boundaries is essential. Your approach to not allowing interruptions and asserting yourself shows your growth and determination to be treated with the respect you deserve. Balancing this with an understanding of your own ego is a nuanced challenge, and you’re handling it with great thoughtfulness.

The overlapping of professional and personal boundaries can indeed create complicated dynamics. It’s important to recognize your limits and take care of your well-being amidst these challenges. Your efforts to communicate and find common ground show your commitment to resolving conflicts, even when it’s difficult.

It’s okay to feel tired and to need a break from the constant effort. Your well-being is important, and sometimes stepping back and reflecting can provide new perspectives. Reading more about ego and continuing to grow your understanding will undoubtedly help you navigate these challenges.

Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s not easy to articulate such complex emotions and experiences, and your openness is truly valuable. Wishing you strength, clarity, and peace as you continue to navigate these intricate dynamics.

anita

Dear Peter:

Peter, Nov 28, 2017: “I am not my thoughts, I am not my memories/past, I am not my emotions. I am the observer of thoughts, memories and emotions”.

Peter, Jan 21, 2025: “I’ve been re-examining the above… I’ve since realized that we can’t separate the thinker from the thought as the thinker is also the thought, the observer is also the observed, the experience is also the experiencer… By saying I was not my thoughts I was separating the thought from the thinker that in the short term reduced anxiety but only masked the conflict… I was repeating over and over that I was not my thoughts, while paradoxically noticing that that was also a thought…

“Today I might say that the Thought and Thinker, the Observer and Observed are happenings in the Temporal sphere of experience, the sphere of measurement and duality. Releasing the Thoughts, the Thinker is released, releasing the Observed the Observer is released and we return to the flow of the Eternal Now…

“Today When I feel anxious I remind myself that the Temporal sphere of experience is a playground of measurement, thoughts and the stories told, a map but not the territory which is Transcendent. That, if only for a moment in the Temporal realm, the Eternal can be experienced… Remove the space/time that is between the thought and the thinker, the observed and the observer, the experience and the experiences – this is the Eternal Present Now… Love”-

W.O.W Peter! Wow (that’s my first response).

Processing: initially, you believed in the separation of the thinker from the thought. This meant seeing thoughts and emotions as separate from yourself, which helped reduce anxiety by creating a mental space. Over time, you realized that this separation was only masking the underlying conflict that arises from trying to control or suppress thoughts.

By repeating the mantra “I am not my thoughts,” a person attempts to disown or separate from one’s thoughts, which leads to an ongoing internal struggle. It creates a form of resistance, as the mind is constantly working to keep thoughts at a distance.

The paradox: wanting to detach from one’s thoughts leads to generating more thoughts. This reveals the futility of trying to resist, control and separate from thoughts.

By recognizing that the thinker is also the thought and the observer is also the observed, you eliminate this conflict, as there is no longer a need to fight against or control one’s thoughts.

Integrating the thinker with the thought and the observer with the observed allows to fully experience the present moment. This state of presence, described as the “Eternal Now,” is characterized by love and unity, free from the conflict of separation.

The thinker is inherently intertwined with the thought, and the observer with the observed. This realization aligns with teachings that emphasize unity and non-duality.

You recognize that the Eternal can be experienced, even if momentarily, within the Temporal realm. This involves removing the artificial separation between the thinker and the thought, removing one’s resistance to one’s thoughts, and embracing the present moment with love.

The Temporal sphere is where measurements, thoughts, and stories occur. This sphere is a map, not the actual territory, which is Transcendent. It is possible, within the confines of the Temporal realm, to touch the Eternal by fully accepting and embracing the present moment instead of rejecting and resisting it.

“‘In our society, we have come to believe that discomfort always means something is wrong… Comfort means ‘right’ and distress means ‘wrong’. The influence of suck convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is we were never meant to be completely satisfied.’ – Gerald May”-

– Processing: Gerald May’s quote challenges societal norms and beliefs about discomfort and well-being. The quote begins by highlighting that society often equates discomfort with something being wrong. This conditioning leads people to believe that any feelings of distress, pain, or longing indicate that there is a problem with their lives. Conversely, society promotes the idea that a well-lived life should be filled with serenity, fulfillment, and comfort. This binary thinking positions comfort as inherently “right” and discomfort as “wrong.” May argues that these convictions stifle the human spirit. By viewing discomfort as undesirable and avoiding it, individuals miss out on important aspects of growth, resilience, and self-discovery.

He asserts that humans were never meant to be completely satisfied. This idea challenges the pursuit of perpetual happiness and comfort as ultimate goals. Instead, he implies that experiencing and accepting discomfort is an inherent part of life that contributes to personal growth and fulfillment.

Rather than seeing discomfort as a negative indicator, it can be viewed as a natural and valuable part of life. Feelings of distress, pain, and longing are not necessarily signs of a flawed life, but rather opportunities for growth and self-awareness.

By accepting both comfort and discomfort as integral parts of the human experience, individuals can develop greater resilience and emotional intelligence. This acceptance allows for a balanced and authentic approach to life.

This quote is a powerful reminder that discomfort is a natural and essential part of life. This shift in perspective can lead to a more authentic and holistic approach to well-being, where both comfort and discomfort are valued as integral parts of the human experience.

Peter, Jan 21, 2025: “Accepting sorrow of discomfort we open ourselves to Joy?”- the answer I am trying to grow into: yes, by accepting sorrow and discomfort, we open ourselves to joy. Accepting and embracing (no longer rejecting, resisting) the full spectrum of our emotions allows us to experience life authentically, in ways that fit the reality of life as it is, the Temporal and the Eternal.

It’s not about seeking discomfort but about recognizing it as a natural part of our lives. In accepting it, we build resilience and find a richer, more nuanced understanding of happiness.

Thanks for sharing your insights and for prompting such meaningful reflections. Again: WOW, Peter!

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and moving post. Your journey through healing and self-discovery is inspiring

I see the journal burning representing letting go of the past or a desire to start fresh, and your hesitation to post in Peter’s thread out of respect for its positive mood shows consideration for the community’s atmosphere.

“My mind felt no fear anymore… but my body still remembered… It took more years and more work to heal my body, as well… it is too easy and simple to say ‘You are what you think.’ We are much more complex than we think”-
– You worked on overcoming your social phobia using EFT, but even after your mind no longer felt fear, your body still remembered and reacted by shaking. This highlights the concept that the mind and body can operate on different timelines when it comes to healing. Our bodies can hold onto trauma or stress even when our minds have processed and dealt with it.

Traumatic memories aren’t just stored in the brain, but also in the body’s tissues, muscles, and organs. The body’s memory is called Somatic Memory. When a person experiences trauma, their body goes into a heightened state of arousal, triggering the fight-or-flight response. During this state, the brain releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and the body reacts with increased heart rate, muscle tension, and heightened alertness. These physical responses can become encoded in the body’s muscle memory.

Somatic memories can manifest in various ways, including chronic pain, muscle tension, shaking, sweating, racing heart and other physical discomfort when confronted with triggers related to the trauma. Somatic memories can be triggered by sensory experiences such as smells, sounds, or sights that remind the individual of the original traumatic event or events. These triggers can evoke physical reactions as if the trauma is happening again.

Understanding somatic memory emphasizes the importance of treating trauma holistically, recognizing that our bodies can hold onto experiences in ways that our minds may have already processed.

Songs like This Used to Be My Playground can be powerful triggers for memories and emotions. Your honesty about contemplating suicide and finding a tiny light of hope speaks to your resilience and strength.

Your disapproval of the post that despised someone who committed suicide emphasizes the importance of empathy and understanding. Words can deeply impact others, and your reminder to be kind is a call for compassion.

Your post is a touching blend of personal struggle and growth. It’s a reminder that life’s journey is complex, and healing takes time. Keep shining that tiny light of hope, Jana— you never know how it might guide others who are struggling.

anita

Sorry, own brand, own just once (typing from my phone)]

Dear Peter:

1) Processing the quote: it begins by drawing a distinction between shallow happiness and deep, sustaining joy. Shallow happiness is described as a fleeting state that exists only in the absence of sorrow. In contrast, deep joy is described as an enduring state that can coexist with and even arise from sorrow.

Happiness is depicted as fragile and unable to withstand pain. When sorrow arrives, happiness fades away because it cannot endure suffering. Happiness can easily be disrupted by negative experiences. Joy, on the other hand, is described as a deeper, resilient state that can withstand negative experiences.

This suggests that joy is not just an absence of sorrow but a transformation of it. Joy is born out of the experience of enduring and overcoming sorrow, a transcendence from suffering to endurance. This means that through suffering, it is possible to develops the strength and resilience to endure challenges.

Endurance then transforms into character. This implies that enduring suffering shapes one’s character, instilling qualities like strength, resilience, and wisdom.

Finally, character gives rise to hope. The development of character through enduring suffering leads to a sense of hope and optimism for the future. The hope that emerges from this process becomes the source of deep joy. Unlike shallow happiness, this joy is not easily shaken because it is rooted in the strength and character developed through enduring suffering. This joy does not disappoint because it is not dependent on external circumstances. It is a sustaining, inner strength that can endure even in the face of grief and sorrow.

2) Personal reflection (when I refer to pain, I mean emotional pain mostly)- images appear in my mind in regard to this quote: a person crumbling under pain, falling to the ground, contracted, smaller. An image of a tree under the distress of drought, falling leaves, cracking, breaking branches, the tree smallest, minimal, so to survive the drought/ the suffering.

This is what happened to me and what I participated- unbeknownst to me- in the making: I became less, minimal, small, smallest. The logic behind this instinctive response to pain: the less there is of me=> the less there is to feel pain.

Being less means less pain on the short run. But on the long run, being less = less endurance. With less endurance, pain intensifies and continues on and on and on.

Transcending pain would then mean to get up from the ground, to get up and stretch, take air in and expand/ undo the contraction. It is a different position to pain: upward, expanded, strong.

My mistake, I now realize (for the first time) is that I remained contracted, minimal in the face of pain for way, way longer than such strategy is effective. This strategy increased and maintained my pain because there was not enough of me to endure it.

I was a prisoner of the same-old, same-old pain of my childhood+ for longer than half a century, frozen in place, minimal, a life suffocated by the fear of (the same childhood) pain.

It’s as if I was waiting the whole time for the pain to go away so that I can stand up, stand straight and dare to breathe/ to expand. It never happened and I remained on the ground being stared down by the pain, so to speak, while what I needed was to stand up and look it in the eye.

Transcending the fear of pain long- term then is a shift from minimizing myself so to feel less pain => maximize myself (add determination, resilience, strength, courage, hope) so to better be able to endure pain and enjoy the consequence of such endurance: joy as a way of life.

This reminds me of the chest-opener positions of yoga- expanding the heart, the shoulders, the upper back, undoing the common hunching over (contracted) positions of sitting. There is a sensation of power when I do every morning. I now need to do more of it, more expansion, opening myself to the experience of life from the position of strength and even hope, dare to hope.

As I said before, your thread is amazing to me, amazingly valuable. Thank you.

anita