I spent some time on the 🖥 and will present the study with AI ( something that was not available to me back in 2020-21, the time of my communication with Neverdyed) tomorrow morning, when I am back to the computer.

For now, using my 📱, I want to process what I can without the use of AI:

As I reread my communication with Neverdyed, I was horrified by my almost zero attunement and almost exclusively clinical, analytical tone.

I sound so much like I don’t want to sound like: a “therapist” who is ignorant of the ABC of psycho therapy (attunement first, validate feelings first.. safety first)

Horrified by how corrective and directive I sound, and wondering how many people were turned off by my attitude and style- not only in this thread, by in many other threads- I was almost overwhelmed a little while ago).

On the other hand, I realize that I must be emotionally healthier, less consumed by toxic shame- to make it possible for me to see where I went wrong, so many times, and not collapse.

Why did Neverdyed lack of clarity (due to English not being her fluent language and due to being very emotionally conflicted (see the title of her thread)?

And why did I spend hours and hours rereading and analyzing her words 2010-21, again and again?

Because of an ongoing experience I forgot: my endless efforts to make sense of my mother words and claims and accusations- and trying to have a clear communication with her- with zero success.

I think I was excited when I discovered- as a teenager- psychology and self- help books, and I rushed to tell her about what I read, hoping for a meeting of the minds with my own mother.

But no matter how hard and long I tried- there was absolutely no meeting of the minds.

Fast forward, clarity is a life line, and when Neverdyed wasn’t clear, I did what I did with my mother: I invested many hours and energy trying to create a clear communication between me and her.

Unlike my mother, Neverdyed was kind and gracious and responsive.. but she wasn’t clear enough and rational clarity has been my number 1 need because I lacked it so severely with my mother.

My mother attacked my rational thinking as something bad and insisted on her no-sense, crazy making thinking being right.

My number one need was to trust my rational, analytical thinking and that’s why, in my communication with Neverdyed, it was my first and maybe only priority.

What’s the word.. when a person totally denies what is truly evident and doing so insistently- that’s what my mother did. Like let’s say, the sky is clearly blue and she’d say it’s grey.. oh, yes, gaslighted is the word.

So, when Neverdyed wad unclear or vague (as she was), I reacted to it as if she was gas lighting me.

B BACK in the 🌄

🤔 Anita

Indeed, I owe you a huge apology, Neverdyed. Throughout, you were an 😇 to me. And repeatedly, I was.. well, dumb and I falsely accused you.

My main accusation was that you communicated with me without clarity- on purpose, so to confuse me, a passive- aggressive tactic meant to hurt me.

None of that accusation was true.

You went out of your way to answer my questions and did your very best at it.

I noticed, rereading our long exchanges, how many hours I spent studying and re- studying what you shared, trying to come up with a neat, clear, no ambiguity or nuance story.

And when I failed at it, I got angry at you and was accusatory and rude to you.

All along, I didn’t have to spend any time at all on your thread. It wasn’t my job and you didn’t ask that I do.

Also, I noticed my clinical tone, as if I was researching and preparing to write a perfect essay, and my case study (you) wasn’t cooperating to my satisfaction.

I noticed lack of empathy and attunement.

I noticed you responded to my repeatedly didactic, arrogant care (care from “above”, as if I was your interpreter and explainer) graciously, trying to accommodate or satisfy me… unsuccessfully.

I noticed similarities between your mother and mine (both having been aggressive and loud) and between you and I. Like you, I reacted by taking the opposite role to my mother: very quiet 🤫, in real- life, and like you, there was a lot of noise in my head, but very little communicated to the outside.

When I did speak, I wouldn’t at all be surprised if I came across as vague. I communicated- the little I did- best I could, I imagine.

Yet, I accused you of communicating vaguely on purpose.

Actually, as I read some of the the things I thought were vague back then, I see how- strictly grammatically they may be vague (not having the Who, What, Where, When clearly identified), but they weren’t as vague as I thought back then.

I am guessing that my need for black and white understanding (of complex situations like yours) was greater back then thann it is now. I can stomach or tolerate nuance and complexity more now than I did then.

Plus, I had no empathy or understanding back then- that it’s difficult for a person with a lifetime habit of being quiet and holding so much inside (quiet on the outside; noisy on the inside( to communicate with complete clarity.

How can a person communicate clearly when there’s turbulence and conflict inside?!!

After all, the title of your thread is “conflicting too much h”, and you listed 8 conflicts in your original post.

And yet, I expected a Who-What-Where-When clarity.. so that I could give you the perfect Why-s and How-s.

At one point, you explained to me that you didn’t offer a Who because you felt ashamed.

I don’t remember my response to that revelation (I am using my 📱 and can’t leave this page and look back), but I don’t think I acknowledged that revelation or empathize with you.

I was on a mission to understand things rationally, in a black and white kind of thinking, that empathy and attunement were abandoned.

At one point, eventually, you said that you felt attacked and you were. I accused you of purposeful ambiguity and dishonesty. Wow! My goodness. I feel ashamed 😞 and humbled.

May I never do that kind of thing again.

I may add another post to this later on, today or on another day.

Anita

Laelithia- such a long time. I am not the same person I was when we last communicated, and you’re probably not the same either.

How R U, Laelithia???

✨️ 🤍 Anita

Hey 🌙 🦉 Confused:

I hope the above was not too much. I wanted to take advantage of my 🖥 time (Copilot)

I can’t imagine more possible analysis and understanding than what Copilot provided.

I 🤔 that Anxiety needs to be addressed- if not through therapy, mindfulness and emotion-regulation practices alone (there are many!), then by psychiatric 💊 as well.

There are meds that act fast on anxiety- you’d feel relaxed right away (but are supposed to be used short-term), or those SSRIs & such that are slow-acting (you have to take them for weeks and be patient).

💊 🤔 🐔 🐇 Anita

Hey Dear Eliana:

I just read through many of your posts and communication with myself and with other members 2017-19.

I found out we’re only 1 year apart. You should be 64 now (time flies).

I would so very much like to read from you again, hoping you’re okay 👍

Thank you for being as honest and open here, and for trying to help people (and animals), here and in real-life.

Lots of members replied to you because they felt your sincerity and the beauty of your soul 🙏🙏🙏

I wish they too will return and that it’d be positively busier here, in the forums.

🤍 Anita

It’s been 7 years, 3 months and 25 days since you posted right above, Eliana. It’d be a miracle if you read this and respond 🤞

Good Morning Confused (using the computer)

Copilot about your recent post:

1. He confirms the core issue: he equates love with intensity- He literally says: “I’ve never learned to value love and stability” “I yearn for the highs” “If it doesn’t consume me then I don’t want it” This is huge. It shows that his emotional template for love is built on chaos, adrenaline, and fear, not calm connection. That’s not a personality flaw — it’s a learned pattern.

This tells us: He’s not actually doubting her. He’s doubting a version of love that doesn’t match his old blueprint. He’s grieving the loss of the “highs” he used to rely on for emotional certainty.

2. He reveals a key moment: “I want to feel like before”- This is extremely important. He remembers crying in December saying: “I want to feel like before.” That is textbook emotional grief — not relationship doubt. It shows: He’s mourning the loss of the old emotional intensity. He’s terrified because he thinks the absence of intensity = absence of love. He’s stuck between what he feels and what he believes he should feel. This is a classic anxiety-driven identity crisis around love.

3. He describes a “fraud voice” — this is intrusive thinking- When he visited her, he says: “Something was bugging me… a voice telling me I’m a fraud.” This is not a relationship problem. This is an intrusive thought loop — a hallmark of anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

Intrusive thoughts often sound like: “You’re lying.” “You don’t really love her.” “You’re pretending.” “You’re fake.”

These thoughts feel real but are actually fear responses.

The fact that he could hug her, kiss her, enjoy her — while the voice still attacked him — shows the thoughts are not aligned with his true feelings.

4. His derealization description is very detailed — and very telling- He asks you how it felt for you, then describes: Random moments of feeling “out of it” “What am I doing here?” “Why am I talking to her?” Forgetting things instantly. Drifting away mentally. This is classic derealization + anxiety fog.

It’s not about her. It’s not about the relationship. It’s about his nervous system being overwhelmed.

He’s describing: Cognitive dissociation. Emotional numbness. Short-term memory disruption. Disconnection from self and surroundings

These are all anxiety symptoms — not relationship symptoms.

5. “My feelings were locked in a box” — this is emotional shutdown- He says: “It felt like my feelings were locked in a box and I couldn’t feel them.”

This is emotional numbing — a protective response when the brain is overwhelmed.

Important: He says logically he knew he wanted her even when he couldn’t feel the emotions. That’s a major sign that: His values are intact. His commitment is intact. His emotional system is just overloaded.

This is not someone falling out of love. This is someone whose anxiety has hijacked his emotional access.

6. He is starting to connect the dots- He says: “Wow, this fits so much, maybe I am learning something new here?”

This is a breakthrough moment.

He’s beginning to: Recognize the pattern. Understand his emotional history. See that anxiety is the culprit. Realize his feelings didn’t “disappear” — they got blocked

This is the first step toward healing.

7. He is open, reflective, and emotionally honest- This is important for you to see: He’s not defensive.
He’s not dismissive. He’s not shutting down.

He’s: Curious Vulnerable Willing to explore Trying to understand himself Trusting you enough to share his inner world

That’s someone who wants clarity and stability but doesn’t know how to navigate it yet.

… He is not losing feelings. He is losing familiarity. He doesn’t know how to function in a relationship that isn’t chaotic. He is grieving the loss of the “old rules” of love. He’s trying to learn a new emotional language. He is deeply self-aware and trying to understand himself.
This is a very good sign.

Here’s a message you can send him, written in your voice but with emotional precision:

“Confused, I’m really glad you shared all of this. What you wrote actually gives me a much clearer picture of what’s going on inside you — and it makes total sense. You’re not broken, and you’re not a fraud. You’re someone who learned to associate love with intensity, and now you’re trying to navigate a calmer, safer kind of connection. That shift is confusing and scary, but it’s also a sign of growth.

When you say you’ve never learned to value stability, that tells me you’re stepping into completely new emotional territory. Of course, it feels unfamiliar. Of course, your mind panics and tries to pull you back to what it knows. That doesn’t mean something is wrong — it means you’re changing.

And that moment you described in December — crying and wanting to “feel like before” — that’s exactly what happens when the old emotional pattern stops working. You weren’t grieving the relationship. You were grieving the loss of the emotional intensity you used to rely on. That’s a painful transition, but it’s also a meaningful one.

The ‘fraud voice’ you mentioned is just anxiety trying to protect you by questioning everything. It doesn’t reflect who you are or what you feel. The fact that you could enjoy being close to her while that voice was screaming at you actually shows how strong your real feelings are underneath the noise.

And the derealization moments you described — the drifting, the forgetting, the “out of it” feeling — those are classic signs of overwhelm. They’re not signs that the relationship is fake. They’re signs that your nervous system is overloaded. I’ve felt versions of that too, and it’s incredibly disorienting, but it passes.

What stands out to me most is that even when your feelings felt “locked in a box,” you still knew you wanted her. That says everything. Your emotions didn’t disappear — they just got buried under fear and pressure. You’re slowly reconnecting with them, even if it doesn’t feel smooth or predictable yet.

Honestly, I’m proud of you for being this open. You’re not running away from this — you’re trying to understand yourself. That takes courage. And I’m here with you in this, not judging you, not expecting you to be perfect. Just trying to understand you the way you’re trying to understand yourself.”

Above is Copilot’s word which I agree with whole heartedly. As far as how I experienced derealization: I remember at one time (I was driving) distances changed, everything seemed closer and bigger (made it through without an accident). Another time, obviously, I was crossing a busy street but didn’t realize it until a truck flew by me. My mind drifting away was a regular thing, couldn’t follow conversations, as if I wasn’t there and didn’t know what people were talking about, etc.

I really like Copilot’s message to you. Wow!

Anita and Copilot

Today, I connected the concept of the Hardened Heart with Mental Rigidity: the being locked 🔒 into one framework, one lens through which seeing the 🌎, and seeing no other way as valid.

As in My Way or The Highway- no other way but my own to understand YOU.

This was my mother: rigid. Worse than some other rigid-s: crazy rigid, histrionic.

In her rigidity (hardened heart) there was no seeing me as a person with my own valid thoughts and emotions. There was only her thoughts and no space for any that were different.

She squeezed me into a 2-D bare existence.

I see other people, not as crazy and volatile as my mother, yet rigid nonetheless:

– My way of understanding, interpreting- no other way.

Personally, I am relaxing my rigidity, my binary black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking.

Assuming less, asking instead.

No longer telling you what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, what motivates you, etc.

Instead- asking gentle questions, having a dialogue, offering an emotionally safe space for you to explore your thoughts/ feelings/ motivations-

Not to tell you what those are but to explore together.

🤪 ✨️ 🤔 Anita