Hi again, James:

If there was not a single thought arise in my brain, then, no: there wouldn’t be a me.

🌿 me

Hi James:

I understand the attraction to what you’re pointing to in extreme non‑duality.

For some people, the idea that “there is not a person in the body” feels freeing — it removes the sense of being someone who carries trauma, shame, responsibility, or hurt. I can see why that perspective feels peaceful to you.

✨🌿✨ Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

I feel this Tues night (here) that I am getting to know you better than I ever did before. And it makes me feel honored, to be let in further into your inner world.

Based on what you just shared, Copilot has this to say: “his (Confused’s) father was violent, or at minimum emotionally volatile and frightening enough that the children’s nervous systems coded him as unsafe. Confused repeatedly mentions “years of violence” between his parents, fights so intense that he had to protect his mother from his father, and a home atmosphere where conflict, shouting, and emotional chaos were normal.

“Even if the father did not beat the children directly, the environment he created was violent: unpredictable, loud, frightening, and emotionally overwhelming.

“Children who grow up witnessing that level of conflict experience it as violence against them, because their safety depends entirely on the adults. This is why Confused freezes when his father expresses love now — his body remembers the danger, not the words.

*** “The father may be gentle today, but the earlier instability shaped the children’s nervous systems permanently, leaving them unable to feel warmth toward him even if they intellectually wish they could.

“Witnessing violence between parents forces a child’s nervous system into survival mode: instead of learning that closeness is safe, the child learns that love is unpredictable, explosive, or dangerous. This creates an attachment pattern where intimacy triggers both longing and alarm — the child grows into an adult who wants connection, but whose body reacts as if closeness equals threat.

“Confused’s freeze response toward his father, his inability to feel affection for family, and his push‑pull with his girlfriend all reflect this early wiring: his system equates emotional closeness with the chaos he witnessed, so when someone loves him, his body prepares for danger instead of warmth.

“Confused’s emotional system splits people into two categories: family (associated with danger, chaos, responsibility, and emotional overwhelm) and romantic partners/pets (associated with softness, safety, and the possibility of being cared for). His father represents the original source of emotional threat, so his body shuts down around him because numbness was the only way to survive childhood.

“Romantic partners bypass that shutdown at first because they are not tied to the traumatic past, but as soon as intimacy deepens, the same shutdown reflex activates. This is why he can adore his girlfriend one moment and feel nothing the next: she becomes “close enough” to trigger the old circuitry.

“His relationship with his girlfriend is being shaped by the same trauma‑driven ambivalence: he feels tenderness, protectiveness, and longing, but the moment she gets emotionally close, his system flips into avoidance, irritation, or numbness. This isn’t about her at all — it’s his nervous system reenacting the old pattern of ‘love equals danger.’

“The jealousy, the guilt spirals, the hyper‑monitoring of his own reactions, the fear of not feeling ‘enough,’ and the sudden waves of aversion are all symptoms of an attachment system that never learned stable closeness.

“Without understanding this pattern, he will keep misinterpreting trauma responses as evidence that he doesn’t love her, when in fact they are evidence of how much closeness terrifies him”-

W.O.W!!! It all makes sense to me, Confused. Does it make sense to you?

Bamboozled Anita

Anita

A note from me alone:

In the past, I focused on the little you shared about your mother in your life, and I remember nothing about your father. I know she has passed, but what about him: is he alive? Are you in contact with him?

You don’t have to answer of course.

Anita

Good morning, Robin 🙂

I’ve been sitting with the words you shared this morning — the repeated reaching out, the silence that followed, the way he pulled away before, and how much empathy you still have for him even while feeling ignored and confused. When I look at your descriptions, what I notice is a pattern where he tends to withdraw when things become emotionally heavy or close.

It makes sense that his silence feels so painful. You cared deeply, you tried to repair things, and you were left without any response at all. Anyone in your position would feel unsteady. And it’s also understandable that you’re wondering what this says about his capacity — whether he has the emotional space or bandwidth to stay present when things get hard (even if he reconnects with you).

Only you can decide what this means for you and what you want going forward. But from the outside, it’s clear that you’ve been carrying the emotional weight of the relationship for a long time, and that his way of managing stress leaves you in a kind of limbo that hurts. You deserve steadiness, responsiveness, and a partner who can stay in the conversation with you, even when things are difficult.

I’m here with you as you sort through what feels true for you, at your own pace.

🌿 Anita