Hey Dear Confused:

You want to have pleasurable feelings again: “romantic things… dream things… excited”-

If you weren’t stuck in over- thinking, maybe you wouldn’t be stuck in under- feeling.

I understand that she is a wonderful person: intelligent, caring and much more.

I hope that somehow things work out for you, first internally (peace within yourself), and then externally (peace in relationships with her, with others).

🌙🦉🌿 Anita

Oh, Confused, if you gave me a million dollars right now, I will care, promise! 😁

It’s not that I will do just about anything for that million dollars! No, I won’t!

So, Gemini has also pointed to your inner child. It’s the three of us, 2 robots and one human.

You shared before that you were told that when you talked about your childhood (which included severe emotional abuse, really), you sounded like you were reading an article from a newspaper.

That’s an earlier shutdown than the shutdown you experienced with this woman (whom you’ve known.. for how long, LD?)

😁🌿😢🌿🐔🌿🌙🦉 Anita

You are full of heart, Lella!

Your words, your sentiment, are reaching me deeply. Thank you 🙏

At first, earlier this morning, wen I saw that you posted, and befote reading your post, I felt some sort of fread, bracing myself for some criticism & anger-

Not because you expressed criticism and anger at me, but because this is what my mind- body learned to expect growing up (or as I prefer to say because it’s more accurate, growing in, inward):

Any and all expressions of affection- or what looked/ sounded like affection- were always followed, sooner or later, by criticism, accusations, shaming & guilt- tripping.

Next, I allowed myself only to read a bit of your post, a bit of the beginning and a bit of the end, and saw that it was definitely very positive.

Yet, I couldn’t read all of it, still scared.

The fear has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with who my mother has been.

Next, I replied to another member because I was not afraid there.

Next, I was afraid that you will get upset that I did not reply to you first. And somewhere along the way, I was afraid that I will not match your warmth, disappoint you, and therefore, bring about criticism.

Finally, I bought myself some time in my first, short reply right above.

The healing part in all this is that I am NOTICING all this in real- time. Writing this to you is part of my healing.

It does indeed take courage, but it also takes a compassionate, wonderful person on the other side of the phone screen.

Getting closer to home, as you defined it, Lella😊

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

Good morning, Confused:

Now that I am at the computer, I asked Copilot to analyze your most recent post Analysis of Confused’s Post of 12 hours ago.

Copilot: “* Confused is trying to understand his own fear- He’s asking whether his fear of abandonment is about her specifically, or a general fear of being left, or a mix of both.

This is a classic anxious‑attachment confusion: the fear predates the partner, but once attached, the fear attaches to the person.

* He is spiraling into suspicion and catastrophic thinking- The moment he notices her profile is public, he creates a story: “She’s going to Metallica tomorrow…” “Why make her profile public today?” “Is it so random men can see her stories?” “Is she not who I thought she was?”

This is hypervigilance + insecurity + fear of loss, not evidence-based reasoning. He is scanning for danger, interpreting neutral behavior as threat, and trying to regain control by ‘figuring it out.'”

Did you notice, Confused, that Copilot said, “the fear predates the partner” and I said in my reply to you last night, right above, “the fear predates her”. Do you agree with that?

Next, I asked Copilot a question and he answered: “What are the actual likely reasons she made her account public? – Here are the most common, non-threatening explanations:

* She wants to share concert stories publicly because many people do that at big events.

* She wants friends who aren’t following her yet to see her posts.

* She temporarily changed a setting without thinking deeply about it.

* She’s excited about the concert and wants to share it more widely.

* She doesn’t attach meaning to public/private the way he does.

None of these imply flirting, deception, or disinterest.

His concern about her public account is not about her behavior but about his fear of losing her, and his tendency to interpret neutral actions as threats.

Next, I asked Copilot another question: “Will it better for him if she does leave him (it’s a LDR, he’s not practically tied to her, they only spent 3 days irl together)?

Answer: “In practical terms, yes, it might ultimately be healthier for him. They have only spent three days together in person, the relationship is long‑distance, and his emotional system is already overwhelmed and destabilized. His fear is not rooted in the reality of the relationship but in older wounds that this relationship is activating.

Losing her would hurt him, but it would also remove the trigger that keeps him in a constant state of hypervigilance. It would give him space to work on the deeper fear of abandonment that will follow him into any relationship until it is addressed. In that sense, the end of this relationship could be a relief rather than a catastrophe—though he cannot see that right now because he is fused with the fear.”

Next, I asked Copilot to improve on the inner child writing exercise I suggested to you last night.

Copilot: “Confused, there is a simple way to reach the root of this fear, and it doesn’t require analyzing her behavior or trying to predict what she feels. It starts inside you.

I’d like you to try something: imagine the younger version of you — the boy who first learned what fear and insecurity felt like — and let him speak.

Not the adult who tries to reason things out, not the part of you that analyzes her profile settings, but the child who felt small, scared, or unsure.

Close your eyes for a moment and picture him. Then ask him, gently: ‘What’s troubling you right now? What are you afraid of?’ Let him answer in the simple, uncensored language a child uses — not polished, not logical, just honest.

Whatever he says, type it out exactly as it comes. Don’t correct it, don’t explain it, don’t make it sound adult. Just let him speak. Your only job is to listen and write down his words. That’s how we get to the real fear underneath all of this.”

Copilot and Anita