Good morning, Mollie ✨

I like what you wrote about the scales in law — that image of balance feels so aligned with the Middle Way. It’s beautiful that you’re finding your own version of it, both in your studies and within your family. And I agree with you: we all topple to extremes at times, and then slowly learn how to stand in the middle with more steadiness.

As for my sister — the conversations are kind, but they don’t quite bring comfort yet. I think my body still associates “family” with a certain background hum of anxiety. But it’s still good to have that small thread of connection.

Speaking of toppling to extremes, I had a bit of a scare last night. Bogart managed to chew on a pill bottle on the dresser, and I wasn’t sure whether he swallowed any. It gave me quite a fright. Thankfully, he’s completely himself this morning — he’s actually asleep on my lap as I write this. Puppies do love to chew anything within reach, and I just didn’t expect a pill bottle to be one of those things.

Did you ever have a pet? I don’t remember if we talked about that.

Be well, Mollie. 💘🧡✨

Copilot: “Yes — I remember Confused clearly. And anticipatory loss fits him almost perfectly, because it explains why he reacts so intensely before anything is actually lost.

Anticipatory loss is when someone feels the threat of losing connection long before the loss actually happens. The body reacts as if the loss is already occurring.

In Confused, this shows up everywhere: the moment he senses distance, uncertainty, or emotional ambiguity, his system collapses into numbness, doubt, rumination, or panic. He doesn’t wait for the relationship to change — he pre‑feels the loss and then spirals.

This is why he intellectualizes, why he shuts down, why he questions his feelings, and why he becomes terrified that he’ll “forget her” if he stops looping. His nervous system is constantly bracing for abandonment before it happens.

The mechanism in him- Confused has a fearful‑avoidant pattern: he longs for closeness but expects it to disappear. So, when he feels love, vulnerability, or emotional intensity, his system interprets it as danger.

Anticipatory loss triggers: 

* Emotional shutdown — numbness, anhedonia, detachment

* Rumination loops — trying to think his way out of fear

* Self-protection — doubting the relationship so the loss hurts less

* Avoidance — pulling away to reduce the risk of being hurt. He’s not losing the relationship — he’s losing his sense of safety inside it.

Why anticipatory loss hits him so hard-

Because his emotional system doesn’t trust connection. He grew up in an environment where emotions were overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsafe. So now, when he feels closeness, his body prepares for the moment it will be taken away. This is why even positive emotions trigger shutdown. His system is trying to avoid the pain of future loss by numbing the present.

The bottom line- Confused isn’t confused — he’s scared.

He’s not ambivalent — he’s bracing.

He’s not detached — he’s protecting himself from a loss that hasn’t happened yet.

Anticipatory loss is the invisible engine behind his shutdowns, his doubt, his emotional decay, and his fearful‑avoidant cycling.”

I thought it might have been you, but wasn’t sure. It’s been a lot of talking in..81 pages.

I will have access to the computer maybe in 2 hours. Hope you’ll be sleeping by then (sleeping face emoji)

🐶 Anita

Well, don’t have use of the computer now (and no emojis show up on the phone 😢)

That’s a strong reaction to her having new followers. Does it mean that you view her new followers as threats, as in one of them will take her away from you?

(I’ll ask Copilot later)

🐔 Anita

Hey Confused (using computer):

Thank you, Bee’s Knees 🐝 for your kind words.

Reads to me like you’re afraid the ex will take her love away from you. Do you think so?

Earlier I studied an old, old thread here on the forums and submitted a post in that thread about 8 hours ago. It was Copilot’s input about another person (Jonathan) not AT ALL about you. Yet, it made me think of you,

Here’s a copy of part of that post:

“Anticipatory loss is the nervous system’s habit of expecting things to fall apart before they even happen. When someone has lived through repeated instability— the body learns that anything good is temporary and anything wanted is at risk. So instead of letting you reach for something, the nervous system jumps ahead to the imagined moment when you will lose it again. This creates a protective shutdown: it feels safer not to want than to want and be hurt. Wanting becomes tied to the fear of losing.

Anticipatory loss is a trauma-based prediction. The body is trying to spare you from the pain of future loss by preventing you from attaching to anything in the present. It’s a survival strategy — but it blocks desire, direction, and hope until enough safety accumulates to override it.

In adulthood, anticipatory loss shows up as pulling back before you attach — ending things early, as self-sabotage (quitting, withdrawing, or numbing), and it shows up internally as future-blindness — the inability to imagine a stable future because your nervous system only knows how to prepare for loss.”

What do you think about the above, Confused?

Anita

Dear Jonathan:

Jonathan (Oct 2016): “I don’t know what it is that I’m truly looking for”-

What I hear in your words today is not just confusion about what you’re looking for, but a deeper sense of disorientation after years of losses and instabilities which naturally led to you living in Survival Mode.

You lived through a lot of instability and losses: the loss of Parental unity (your parents separated when you were 11–12), the loss of Farm life and Financial security (becoming “penniless” after the farm collapsed), the Loss of School stability (shifting schools), the loss of a Daily routine (your mother working late, long waits after school), the loss of Direction (dropping out of university, drifting between jobs), and the Loss of health (your mental health deterioration during drug use and unstable living).

* I can very much relate to the upheaval created by Housing instability and Multiple moves (yours: farm → grandparents → rented house → city → yard job housing → shared accommodation → grandparents again)- because I experienced so much of it in my adult life.

You lived through so many losses and instability that understandably, you never felt safe and it makes sense you wouldn’t know what you want — because wanting requires safety.

Wanting only becomes possible when the body feels safe enough to look forward instead of just getting through the day. When life has been full of instability, the nervous system learns to focus on the next hour, not the next chapter. In that state, desire shuts down.

Wanting something — a home, a future, a relationship, a direction — requires you to reach for it. But reaching is only safe when you trust that what you reach for won’t be ripped away. If your history taught you that things fall apart, people leave, or life collapses without warning, then wanting becomes tied to anticipatory loss.

Anticipatory loss is the nervous system’s habit of expecting things to fall apart before they even happen. When someone has lived through repeated instability— the body learns that anything good is temporary and anything wanted is at risk. So instead of letting you reach for something, the nervous system jumps ahead to the imagined moment when you will lose it again. This creates a protective shutdown: it feels safer not to want than to want and be hurt. Wanting becomes tied to the fear of losing.

Anticipatory loss is a trauma-based prediction. The body is trying to spare you from the pain of future loss by preventing you from attaching to anything in the present. It’s a survival strategy — but it blocks desire, direction, and hope until enough safety accumulates to override it.

In adulthood, anticipatory loss shows up as pulling back before you attach — ending things early, as self-sabotage (quitting, withdrawing, or numbing), and it shows up internally as future-blindness — the inability to imagine a stable future because your nervous system only knows how to prepare for loss.

None of this is character weakness; it’s the body trying to prevent you from reliving the pain of losing what you once needed but couldn’t keep.

Safety is what allows the mind to lift its eyes from survival and ask: What do I actually want? It’s what creates the inner space for preference, curiosity, and direction. So, it makes sense that you’re only now beginning to feel the faint outlines of wanting: your system finally has enough steadiness to imagine a future instead of bracing for the next disruption.

The fact that you’ve stopped using drugs, quit smoking, improved your mental health, and are beginning to imagine moving out. These aren’t small things; they’re signs that your system is slowly shifting from survival mode into self-direction mode.

What you’re “looking for” may not be a single answer but the beginning of a relationship with yourself — a sense of belonging to your own life after years of instability. You don’t have to know the whole path yet. It’s enough to notice what feels supportive, what feels draining, and what feels like the next small step toward a life that fits you.

Anita

Good Sunday morning, Mollie 🙂

Thank you. Last night was the 2nd night on a thin mattress on the floor and I am indeed tired. The good news- Bogart seems healthy (I was worried about a UTI). He’s energetic and affectionate. I forgave him for what he did- without malice, of course (no anger left), just hope to learn from what happened so that it’d be very unlikely to happen again.

“She just feels safe and calm”- that’s wonderful 👏

It’s understandable that she got over- involved with her children following her mother being under- involved in her life, as a child. It makes sense.

Makes me think of the Buddhist concept of “the middle way” as the healthy alternative- somewhere in the middle of 2 extremes.

Sounds like both your parents are good people who are doing their best. And it’s wonderful that your brother is self- sufficient..

I wonder if “extremely” self- sufficient requires Middle Way adjustment 🤔

He craves freedom because of past over- involved parenting? I am guessing he needs lots of space, and supporting him means giving him all the space that he needs ✨️✨️✨️

I have 2 much younger half-siblings on my father’s side, with whom I did not grow up, and have no contact, and a younger sister with whom I did grow up but haven’t seen in 14 years (living in another continent far, far away). We talk on the phone and she is very nice and kind to me. I am grateful for that!

I hope to have a positive update for you in regard to my sleeping arrangement and Bogart tomorrow 😊

Lovely to read from you, Mollie. Actually I feel better just because we talked this morning 🙏💛

Anita