Dear Eva 🙂

What you’re describing sounds indeed like total exhaustion — the kind that happens when too many things fall apart and you’re left questioning everything. You’ve been dealing with failed relationships, friends who disappeared when you were honest, a family that treats you like the black sheep, and now an inner voice that says maybe you’re the problem.

Anyone would feel overwhelmed in that mix.

When life hits from so many directions, the nervous system gets flooded and the future feels like a blank wall. What you’re feeling is what happens when you’ve been carrying too much without enough support. You’re in a transition, not a dead end.

You don’t have to solve your whole future at once — you just need one small, humane step at a time. And none of this means the problem is you. It means you’re tired, and you deserve gentleness, not judgment.

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

How are you, devesh tiwaro?

Thinking about you this Sat night, hoping You’re okay. Or better than okay. Glad you didn’t delete this thread. Hoping to read from you again 🙏

One more thing, Sisi: waiting for someone’s decision is one of the hardest places to be when you’re attached to that person. While you’re in this in‑between space, please be gentle with yourself. Nothing is decided yet, and your fear isn’t proof of guilt — it’s just fear. I’m here with you while you wait.

Sisi: “I do have this tendency to… not want to disappoint people… because I’ve been told I’m too sensitive, too this and that, and therefore it makes me lost in tough situations”-

Having been told that you’re too this and too that, delivered the message, did it not: that your perceptions and evaluations of situations is not reliable,

As in, you can’t rely on yourself to know what’s really going on?

And so, you give your power away to others (who may be.. too self- centered, too distracted, too mis- attuned to you)- to decide what’s right and wrong, what’s appropriate, what’s not, giving them the authority that belongs to you?

And you end up trying to please and appease them?

If this really is the way it’s been for you ( alongside the process of finding your own voice and asserting yourself),

Then I can very much relate. In fact, I can’t think of anyone I know in real- life, or in the forums here, who had given their authority and agency away more than I have.

If this resonate, I can share more and we can explore this further.

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Good Sat morning ( here), Sisi ✨️

I am going to reply at more length a bit later, but for now, I see a gap between Objective Reality and Subjective Reality:

However emotionally close you felt to him, even seeing having a family with him- the objective reality seems to be that there was never an exclusive boyfriend- girlfriend relationship.

Instead (and while he was under the influence of alcohol), he asked for (a temporary) sexual exclusivity.

So, when you kissed another guy, objectively:

* You didn’t betray a boyfriend.

* YYou didn’t betray an exclusive bf-gf relationship.

What you did, was.. what’re the words.. you put a pause on a sexual-exclusivity agreement that was temporary to begin with.

Subjectively, you reacted to this very minor “offense” as if you committed a crime.

Personally, now that I see a bigger picture ( following reading the latest posts), I see no offense at all.

“No, we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend”, you wrote a bit more than 3 hours ago- here it is: Objective Reality.

When you don’t have a boyfriend, kissing another guy is not an offense.

A non- boyfriend doesn’t have a moral or ethical right to ask for, or expect, sexual exclusivity, except for the purpose of protecting oneself from STDs, I am thinking.

What are you thinking, Sisi?

(More later).

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Hi Sisi:

Just thinking out loud, please bear with me 🙂:

“He asked me angrily, also drunkenly, to be exclusive”-

A request for exclusivity done under the influence of anger and alcohol (that particular combination) is not valid, says I.

“A few nights ago, after an emotional conversation, alcohol… we kissed for a while”-

You didn’t betray a valid exclusivity contract.. says I.

I’ll reply further later.

🤔 Anita

Sisi, good Friday afternoon 🙂

Reading your post today reminded me of something you shared years ago, back in 2019, when you were struggling with jobs. You called yourself back then “stupid,” “immature,” and “full of excuses” for leaving a job that caused you a lot of distress. And you told me that those messages came from you and from your mother — that she disliked it when you quit, and that you felt you had to “toughen up,” “stick it out,” not be “a quitter,” even when something was too much for you.

I’m mentioning this because I see a similarity in what you’re going through now. You’ve been in a confusing, emotionally unstable situation with someone you care about, trying to stick it out, trying not to disappoint, trying to be strong even when you were scared and unsure. And when everything became overwhelming, you turned all the blame inward, just like you did back then.

To me, it looks like you’ve carried a lot of pressure for a long time — the pressure to endure discomfort, not be “a quitter,” not let anyone down. And when you finally break under that pressure, you blame yourself completely.

I wonder if the same pattern might be showing up again: the internalized criticism, the fear of disappointing someone, the pressure to endure, and then the self‑blame when you’re overwhelmed.

How does this feel to you, Sisi?

🌿✨️🌿 Anita