Sisi, good Friday afternoon 🙂

Reading your post today reminded me of something you shared years ago, back in 2019, when you were struggling with jobs. You called yourself back then “stupid,” “immature,” and “full of excuses” for leaving a job that caused you a lot of distress. And you told me that those messages came from you and from your mother — that she disliked it when you quit, and that you felt you had to “toughen up,” “stick it out,” not be “a quitter,” even when something was too much for you.

I’m mentioning this because I see a similarity in what you’re going through now. You’ve been in a confusing, emotionally unstable situation with someone you care about, trying to stick it out, trying not to disappoint, trying to be strong even when you were scared and unsure. And when everything became overwhelming, you turned all the blame inward, just like you did back then.

To me, it looks like you’ve carried a lot of pressure for a long time — the pressure to endure discomfort, not be “a quitter,” not let anyone down. And when you finally break under that pressure, you blame yourself completely.

I wonder if the same pattern might be showing up again: the internalized criticism, the fear of disappointing someone, the pressure to endure, and then the self‑blame when you’re overwhelmed.

How does this feel to you, Sisi?

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

I’m the oldest regular member in the forums (signed in on May 2015). I deleted my account and didn’t post for 6 months sometime along the way, so..

I’ve been posting here every day for a net of 10 years and 8 months, and visiting the forums every day for the whole 11 years and 3 months.

You mentioned serious mental health challenges. I was the recipient of quite a few mental health diagnoses, maybe half a dozen, maybe more. A few no longer apply, and healing is ongoing.

I hope that you stay active here in the forums and experience more and more healing, one day at a time.. one tiny buddha day at a time 🙂

🌿✨️🌿 Anita

You are welcome, ScottyDye. I’m glad to read that your days are getting better 🙂.

Tiny buddha loves you back, if I may say so 💛

Anita

Good morning (here, U.S.), night (India), Sponge:

You are very welcome and thank you for wishing us well on our journeys 🙂

I hope to read more from you, if not on this thread (you said you’re not sure if you’ll post here more), than on another thread, just to talk, if you need to.

Thank you for responding to a few of my maybe-s. The idea behind those was seeking clarity. The more clarity I have about what’s behind my feelings, the calmer I feel.

“I’m so torn about the whole situation”- I wish you peace of mind rather than being torn.

I agree that accepting what happened is best, simply because none of us can go back in time and undo what already happened.

I’ll close with the Serenity Prayer that’s used in non- religious contexts as well as religious:

“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Reading your words, Peter, feels grounding for me — thank you.

This idea of anchoring in Being, in that dropped‑luggage presence, really speaks to me. I want to let it settle a bit and write again later tonight 🙂

Dear Devesh:

You are welcome 🙂 You said you feel empty inside. Sometimes that emptiness comes from carrying responsibilities that started too early.

In general, many boys in India grow up with a very heavy message: that they must put their own life aside so they can take care of their parents, support the family, and be the “good son.” This message often starts very early, long before a boy understands what freedom or choice even mean.

When a child hears this message again and again, he learns to silence his own needs, dreams, and desires. He learns to erase parts of himself so he can fit the role that is expected of him.

This isn’t because parents are bad. Most parents truly believe they are teaching responsibility, loyalty, and family strength. They often struggle themselves, and they want security for the future. Their intention is love and protection.

But the effect on the child can still be very heavy because when a boy grows up feeling too responsible, too early, he often becomes an adult who feels empty inside — because he never had space to discover who he is.

And when loyalty is tied to being a “good son,” it becomes very hard to speak about this because it feels like betraying the family. So many men stay silent, even when the distress inside them grows.

More about this reality: when a boy is taught that his own wants or desires don’t matter, and that choosing for oneself feels like disloyalty, he stops desiring and stops choosing for himself. Life becomes something that happens to him, not something he chooses or directs.

When a child must obey, sacrifice, or silence himself — the outer life keeps moving, but the inner life stops growing. Over time, the outer life becomes full of activity, responsibilities, achievements, income, relationships, while the inner life stays small, or undeveloped: you are doing things, but you don’t feel connected to them; you are moving forward, but nothing inside moves with you. It feels like being present for others but absent (empty) in yourself.

Inner life needs freedom to grow.

The above is general. Does any of it resonate with you personally, Devesh?

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

“The shame, self- loathing and frustration are there indeed”-

Wait, wait, wait.. I didn’t know Confused loathed Confused 😢. How did I miss that.. really, self loathe? Please tell me more about it. And about the shame too.

😔🌿🤔🌿 Anita