Dear Tee:

“It was very interesting to read about your Uncle Morris and how he, in spite of also having grown up as an orphan and having been severely beaten, managed to become an emotionally healthy and kind person… It seems that indeed, something was different about him, and he chose to rise above his trauma instead of perpetuating it and transferring it to the next generation.

“It reminds me of Viktor Frankl, who too was a Holocaust survivor, but instead of becoming sadistic like your uncle’s abuser, he used his experience in concentrations camps to write his best-selling book ‘Man’s search for meaning’. I haven’t read the book yet, but I think it talks about finding meaning as a way of transcending pain and suffering. And I relate to that, even though my suffering is incomparable to his.

“The way I see it: Viktor Frank transcended his trauma and didn’t let it destroy him. Other people, such as your mother, her older sister, and that sadistic Kibbutz resident, got drowned in it, I suppose, and found horrible ways to cope – by becoming abusers themselves.

“I suppose your uncle wanted to alleviate his pain and suffering: that’s why he started reading self-help books and got interested in psychology. Whereas your mother (and my mother) decided that life is suffering – period, and that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. It’s like they got stuck in their trauma and in the victim mentality – and as a result, they made not only their own lives miserable, but also the lives of those around them.”-

Thank you, Tee, for helping me transcend trauma, pain and suffering.

“My suffering is incomparable to his.”- I thought about this point before. Actually, I thought about it as a response to what the mother used to say (again and again.. and again) that, paraphrased, that my suffering is incomparable to hers. Actually, she didn’t acknowledge any suffering on my part. But my point, I countered her words (that I had a very good childhood, that I was so lucky, compared to her childhood) with: when a child is suffering, the child doesn’t have another person’s experience, only the child’s own experience. In other words, another person’s suffering does not alleviates the child’s suffering by comparison.

So, although the circumstances were dramatically different, you may have suffered just as much as Viktor Frankl, is what I think.

I read the book in high school (part of the curriculum) and once as an adult. I just asked Copilot for information on what we’re talking about here. here’s what it says:

“Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, observed firsthand how people responded differently to extreme suffering in Nazi concentration camps. His insights form the foundation of logotherapy, a meaning-centered approach to psychological healing. Here’s how he explains the divergence in human behavior under duress:

“Why Some Transcend Suffering-

“* Meaning as motivation: Frankl believed that the primary human drive is not pleasure or power, but meaning. Those who found meaning—even in suffering—were able to endure unimaginable conditions. (my comment: this is what you do, what you expressed repeatedly!)

“* Spiritual freedom: He emphasized that even in the most brutal circumstances, people retained the freedom to choose their attitude. This inner freedom allowed some to rise above their suffering. (my comment: you didn’t read the book, Tee, but this is what you do, what you practice!)

“* Responsibility to others: Many prisoners who survived did so by focusing on loved ones, unfinished work, or a sense of duty. This outward focus often led them to help others despite their own pain. (.. My comment: this is what you’ve done for years in these forums, helping or trying to help others despite your own pain. And you ARE helping me!)

“Why Others Gave Up or Became Abusive-

“* Loss of meaning: Frankl noted that when people lost sight of purpose, they became vulnerable to despair, apathy, or aggression.

“* Dehumanization: The camps stripped individuals of identity and dignity. Some responded by internalizing this brutality and becoming cruel themselves.

“* Moral choice: Frankl insisted that suffering does not automatically ennoble a person. It presents a challenge—some rise to it, others succumb. He wrote, ‘Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision… to become worthy of one’s suffering or to ignore it’.

“Key Quote- ‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’ — Viktor Frankl”-

You didn’t read the book, Tee, but you embody its messages, you are passing them on, amazing!

Back to your words, Tee: “Viktor Frank transcended his trauma and didn’t let it destroy him. Other people, such as your mother, her older sister, and that sadistic Kibbutz resident, got drowned in it, I suppose, and found horrible ways to cope – by becoming abusers themselves.”-

Yes, drowned in despair but not quite.. my mother rose above her despair in a way, rose above it so to use it as a weapon, hence the shaming, the guilt-tripping, the violence.

“I suppose your uncle wanted to alleviate his pain and suffering: that’s why he started reading self-help books and got interested in psychology. Whereas your mother (and my mother) decided that life is suffering – period, and that there is nothing they can do to help themselves. It’s like they got stuck in their trauma and in the victim mentality – and as a result, they made not only their own lives miserable, but also the lives of those around them.”-

Yes. Uncle Morris had a positive purpose: to heal, to promote healing in others. My mother and her older sister had a different purpose: to use their suffering as a weapon.

Your mother closed her heart.. So, no heart, no love for Tee..? Even without violence like clear and present verbal abuse, name calling, hitting, etc., a mother’s cold heart is.. What are the words.. What does a mother’s cold, cold heart do to a little girl who desperately and understandably, naturally needs a mother’s warmth?

“Wow, that is disappointing that your therapist didn’t support you when you decided to end contact with your mother. He knew that your mother was very abusive and would make you depressed every time you visited her or talked to her on the phone.”-

THANK YOU!!!

“Like, why would you expose yourself to more of her abuse – just to follow some social norms, or to appear ‘grown up’ and ‘mature’?”- I would have asked him this if I could go back in time.

“Yeah, I can see why you didn’t feel like continuing therapy with him. I can imagine this was a blind spot of his, where he didn’t really see things clearly..”- yes, blind spot. Interestingly perhaps, he was an American whose parents were Moroccan, the same country of origin as my mother’s.

“My goodness! Using vulgar, explicit language in front of the child, and commenting other people’s sexual lives in front of you – that’s totally inappropriate and abusive. It was exposing you to inappropriate sexual content – violating the innocence of a child’s mind.”-

Again, a first, no one has ever said that to me.. When I told my sister about some of this, she dismissed it as.. just the way she is, something like that, as in.. no big deal type thing.

“Yes, I can imagine. By that time you were already conditioned to accept everything, or else face her rage, or her suicide threats… 🙁”- Yes, had to shrink myself to bare minimum (no agency, to hold my breath.. no.. nothing but bare physical existence, so to.. get along/ to physically survive until such time in the future when I can breathe.

“Good for you! You did manage you negotiate something for yourself. You did show some agency, you did stand up for yourself, even if just a little. But I can imagine how excruciatingly painful and embarrassing that whole experience was, and how horribly you felt about it.”-

Thank you, Tee. And yes, it was excruciating.. but it feels less excruciating now because I told you and you listened and fully validated me. Because of you, I am not alone with this. It’s not just me and her in that repeated scenes of emotional horror. You are there warmly smiling at me, being on my side, helping me. I am not alone there anymore.

“I can understand why – he was a man, so that might have been one reason. It’s hard to share such intimate things with a person of the opposite sex..”- actually, sharing this with a woman would have been more difficult because mother was a woman. I thought of her as a “man”, really: violent, aggressive..

“Right.. receiving anything from her was toxic, felt like a violation. Perhaps what would help is to always imagine adult Anita (AA) next to LGA, whenever you think of your inner child? Maybe adult Anita should become LGA’s chaperone and a trusted person, so that no one can get to LGA, unless approved by AA? I wonder if that’s something that would make you feel safer?”-

Yes!!!

“Good to hear that! Have you noticed any difference?”- yes, except that walking yesterday on uneven gravel outside and having only sandals and socks on (was warm outside), I twisted my left knee a bit, and some of the pain I told you about returned.. like a flare up. Feels like a micro tear in soft knee tissue.

“And good job being so conscientious about physical exercise over the years! I’m sure it will help you stay fit and healthy for a long time! (flexed muscle emoji 🙂”- ha-ha, funny Tee!!!

I have no words to how much I appreciate you, Tee. You are my hero and inspiration 🏆 💪 🧗

🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 Anita

Dear Tee:

I am transitioning from having this other person (mother) move from being the focus of my life, the one on center stage=> to the sideway, while I (inner child & adult) take center stage.

Decades of dissociation, self estrangement, alienation, not knowing myself.. shifting to =>

Here I am, the forgotten one!

The forgotten Anita.

All that mattered before was: she, she, she.. she she she… this other person.

This other person, a combination of full blown borderline, histrionic, paranoid, obsessive-compulsive.. (Covert) narcissistic.. all of these 24/7 personality disorders- and me (the forgotten one) growing up (inward/ dying) with all of that.

And now, today, while on my uphill walk outdoors, irl.. things shifted from dissociation/ denial/ auto pilot (as if I wasn’t there all along, absent.. not there), to=> it really did happen.. It did happen to me. It REALLY happened.

This multi-faceted trauma, day after day, night after night, year after year, it really happened: I was really there. And here I am.

All along, I was in the shadows, all I could see was her on center stage. Her pain. Her everything.

On the walk today, I saw ME on center stage. She wasn’t there, on center stage.

I don’t want to think about her anymore, Tee. Here is me, The Forgotten One.

Here I am, the person I never got to be.

This is real here, Tee.

This is real.

It’s .. the focus of SIX decades been the wrong focus.

Seems like everything a mother can do wrong to a daughter, she did.. every single thing except for.. literally breaking my bones, or .. well, she did penetrate my body.. there, with her fingers. Just to check, she said.

It was truly a nightmare, Tee. Truly a nightmare.

It’s like.. well, she left nothing innocent within me, nothing untouched by vulgarity.

Me on center stage. Me, good.. not vulgar. Me, good, clean. Me, no more her, that contamination.

May I live clean, pure, untouched by vulgarity.

(This all may be too much..? Yet true.. truth of my life, nothing I chose).

I hope this is not too much for you, Tee. If it is, and if you don’t respond further to me, I will understand.

Anita