Good morning, Confused (using computer):

As I read the following input from Copilot about trauma in general, I thought how much this fits you specifically and I thought it may help you to read this:

“How trauma‑based threat perception appears in daily life
Hypervigilance — constantly scanning for danger, feeling “on edge,” or anticipating something bad happening. This reflects the body remaining on high alert even after the threat has passed .

Misreading neutral cues as danger — interpreting someone’s tone, silence, or facial expression as anger, rejection, or impending conflict. This is an involuntary reaction to perceived threat rather than actual threat .

Fight‑flight‑freeze‑fawn responses — snapping, withdrawing, shutting down, or people‑pleasing in situations that don’t objectively warrant it. These are automatic survival responses designed to protect you from harm .

Over‑explaining or over‑apologizing — behaviors that may look like personality traits but are actually trauma responses shaped by past experiences of needing to prevent conflict or danger .

Difficulty trusting or connecting — trauma can affect relationships by making closeness feel risky or overwhelming, even when the other person is safe and supportive .

Intrusive memories triggered by perceived threat — research shows that perceived threat can trigger intrusive memories similar to PTSD symptoms, even when the actual situation is not dangerous .

Everyday habits that mask trauma responses — hyper‑independence, people‑pleasing, or emotional numbing can appear as personality traits but often reflect the nervous system’s attempt to stay safe in the world .

Why this matters
These patterns are not signs of weakness or overreaction. They are the nervous system’s learned survival strategies. Trauma teaches the brain to prioritize safety over accuracy, so it reacts quickly to anything that resembles past danger. Understanding these patterns helps you recognize that the reactions are not “you being dramatic”—they are your body trying to protect you.”

I hope that you take your time reading and maybe re-reading the above and let me know what parts fit your experience with your girlfriend?

Anita

Hey Dear 🌙🦉 Confused:

It’s normal to have the urge to back off when sensing rejection, especially when you sense rejection from a person you felt so close to.

You and I have this in common: growing up in an environment where closeness was unsafe: couldn’t trust it to extend from one moment to the next, when at any moment, or day, or week it could be reversed, and reversed terribly.

So, as an adult, you expect the same of what you grew up with. Not consciously, but the body remembers even when your mind forgets.

😔 🐔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

“Nothing touches me anymore” because too much touched you, too much still touching you ( the fear she’ll leave you, the fear of losing that beautiful connection)?

😢🐔🤔 (no new emojis 😔) Anita

Dear Harry:

Above, on Nov 29, 2016, you wrote to me:

“Thank you, Anita. I did not post in the appreciation section, but what you do here really makes a difference. It’s like a type of therapy and connection.”

My response on the same day: “You are welcome, gracious Harry.”, and then dived into analysis and guidance.

On Dec 27, 2016, on your other thread (“Why do anything”), you wrote to me:

“Hi. Anita. Honestly, you are a wonderful person. I am happy I came here. It’s great connecting with you here. Who knows, maybe I might have the honor of bumping into you one day”

In my response there, on that same day, there was no acknowledgment at all of the warmth you expressed. My response dived straight into guidance:

“Dear Harry: How to spend your time wisely? One or more of the following: 1. Attend one-to-one competent psychotherapy. 2. Attend competent group psychotherapy… 7. Attend a public speaking or acting class. anita”

These past exchanges teach me today how uncomfortable and unsafe I have been with emotional closeness and how safer I felt with emotional distance, shifting quickly to analyzing, guiding, taking on the teacher- helper role. That’s a childhood survival adaptation that continued into most of my adulthood.

I want to explore this later.

Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

“Our special thing”- ohhh ❤️💛

You say that rumination is the only thing that ties you to her now-

So, you really, really want to be tied to her, and you’ll do whatever it takes to stay tied or connected to her (rumination, at this time)

Even though ruminating is uncomfortable and distressing, you’ll keep doing that if it’s the only way to stay tied to her.

My goodness, you do love her even when you can’t FEEL the love ❤️💛

“Do people feel like this and then feel love again?”- Maybe your relationship with your own emotions can change and then things will get better.

The more you try to force yourself to feel, the more your feelings will sort of rebel.

Give your feelings SPACE. They may be suffocated simply because you don’t give them the space they need.

🐔🦉🐕 Anita

Confused: “I want the connection back”

Maybe if you stop wanting it back, maybe it will come back.

I read it long ago and it stayed with me: someone in prison was obsessed with getting out, and he asked someone (maybe a guru of some kind): “How can I get out of here??? How can I be free???”

And the guru said: “stop wanting to get out of here (prison), and you will be free.”

When you keep wanting to feel what you felt pre- Nov, that keeps you stuck. But if you grieve pre- Nov and let it go, a new freedom might emerge.

What thinks Confused?

🌿 🎶 🌴 Anita

Glad you’re doing okay, Zenith 🙂. Oh yes, it was a disaster. But not the last: last night I found my prescribed sleep-aid pills on the floor, full of spit and the container chewed.

I was terrified for his health, not knowing if he swallowed any of the pills or how many. It was 9 or 10 pm. I was also so angry at him that I used a profanity directed at him: strange how unlike it is for me, actually, I never used that word and couldn’t even imagine using it, and yet, it felt so natural last night.

The good news is that he seems fine, no symptoms of anything wrong and I slept on a clean bed last night after 3 nights on the floor. It’s the little things I’m grateful for 🙂

Anita