Dear Tee:

Sincerely, Tee- living in a tent would be a significant improvement over living/ growing up with my mother. I suffered so much day in and day out, night after night. The distress was heavy and ongoing. Life is so much, much, much better simply for no longer being stuck with her..!!!

“It’s just occurred to me that parents who meet their children’s physical/material needs seem on the outside like good parents, because there are no visible signs of abuse or neglect, the child is well-kempt, and everything seems fine.

“And I’m thinking that it is for those kind of parents that people often say (including their adult children later in life): ‘well, they did the best they could.’ Because they had a job and put food on the table, which means they weren’t addicts, alcoholics, they haven’t abandoned their children, there was no domestic violence (at least not the kind where police would need to intervene).. so all in all, they led a seemingly orderly life (seen from the outside), and were hard-working parents.

“But no one knows what’s happening behind closed doors, and what kind of emotional (and physical and even sexual) abuse a child is exposed to. It all happens covertly, without people knowing about it. Those parents aren’t good parents, but they’re considered good parents by societal standards, because they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child. But no one is asking what effect they have on the child’s psyche..”-

Yes, Tee, “they don’t visibly abuse or neglect the child.”- she said: “You think I’m stupid? I will not break your bones”

“And I think we (society as a whole) need to become aware that providing for the child’s physical needs but destroying their psyche isn’t really good parenting..”-

Again, sincerely.. it was absolutely T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E living with her. It was a never-ending nightmare. If I was magically offered to go back in time and be a child again- in her custody- I would immediately choose death over reliving it. No second thinking. No question about it. And no exaggeration.. it really, REALLY was a nightmare.

I am so happy right now simply for not being THERE. And again, a tent would be a great improvement.

So, the food, the toys.. the money she spent on me and for which she heavily, heavily guilt-tripped me.. like you said, the gifts were totally NOT a good deal (“the ‘gift’ is laced with poison, so to speak. We might end up feeling undeserving of the gift, because of this constant shaming and self-pitying on their part. The result is severely diminished mental health (C-PTSD), while at the same time having all the material things we can wish for. Not a good deal”).

“The problem is that every narcissistic mother is a good mother in her own mind – she believes she is a perfect mother and can do no wrong… her subjective evaluation of herself as a good mother doesn’t really mean anything”- Exactly, 100%

“And that’s what makes narcissistic parents so harmful: they believe they’re great parents, they’re telling you they are the best parent in the world and that they care about you so much, all the while they’re abusing you.”- again, it’s like you were there.. Actually you were there.. with your own narcissistic mother, your own nightmare 😢

“And then when you (their child) dare to say anything, or if you don’t behave the way they want you to behave – you’re called evil, ungrateful, selfish, hurting them etc. You’re made into a villain for simply having normal child’s needs. Or simply for the air you breathe, as it was in Anita’s case.”- You WERE there.

“So this “great mother”, the “best mother” is a lie with which they’re elevating themselves, denying their abuse, gaslighting their children and guilt-tripping them for “hurting” their mother. It’s a ploy to destroy the child, basically.”- This is Tee Telling it like it is, Tee the Truth Champion, my Hero!!!

“In narcissistic abuse, the ‘good’ is intertwined with the bad, they cannot be separated. Even when we’re receiving the good, we’re also receiving the bad. That’s why it’s hard to appreciate the good: because it was contaminated with the bad. It was poisoned, if you will.”- YES! In my experience everything was bad, the “good” not really good because it was contaminated with guilt-tripping and shaming.

A cake tastes good but shame and guilt taste so very bad.

.. There’s been something I’ve been struggling with for a while, Tee. It’s the red heart emojis. Red was her very favorite color, and if I remember right, she drew red hearts, or maybe I drew those for her so to please her.. because I knew she loved red. I returned those to you because of a people-pleasing tendency.. But I don’t want to do that anymore. No complaints about your red heart emojis.. It’s just that I didn’t tell you before what red means to me.

You ARE the best, Tee. Thank you for you being you! I’ll close with a white heart emoji.

🤍 Anita

Hi Alessa:

Thank you for your good wishes. I think I misunderstood you input of 2 days ago, and I apologize for that. I mean, I think you were coming from how difficult your life is as a parent. I don’t think you were trying to defend or empathize with my mother.. It’s just that your life as a mother is not easy. I’ll write more later.

Anita

Hi Alessa 🙂

Thank you for your empathy and for trying to be helpful. I appreciate you being assertive (asking me to reply to your messages separately).

I definitely don’t want to argue or escalate tensions. I want to do the opposite- to de-escalate tensions.

I am glad that you had good times as a child riding a bike, eating pizza and ice cream cones 🚴🍕🍦.

I have a pleasant memory myself riding a bike when I was 16.

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa/ Tee:

I’ll put it this way, Alessa: you naturally, so it seems, express empathy for both victim and perpetrator. Not just in regard to me (victim) and my mother (perpetrator), but also in the past, regarding the summer conflict where I was perpetrator and Tee and you were victims.

I remember the relief when you were “on my side” at times, back then.

But thing is, in contexts of victim and perpetrator, one needs to take sides, the side of the victim, so to empower the victim through empathy- not to excuse the perpetrator through empathy.

You wrote: “Being a single parent of two children is very difficult… That is life. Some people get overwhelmed and frustrated, blaming their kids… It is very hard for people without children to even image what it is like for parents. She would have had very little time to herself, constantly working, cooking or cleaning. There would have been illnesses in the home for half of the year with two children. Likely, up through the night whilst you were young. In her mind, she was a good mother. She checked boxes for herself what she would have wanted as a child. Didn’t orphan you (in her mind the biggest crime). Fed you, making sure you didn’t have the same ED as her. Didn’t lose your hair. Made sure you weren’t dark like her. Took care of you when you were sick. Made sure you had items you needed. Provided for the family…”-

This is full-on empathy for my mother.. what the hell, Alessa..? She’s not even here, reading your words. Why are you going out of your way to empathize with the perpetrator (my mother).. and then expressing empathy for me to.. even it out, as in, empathy for victim balanced with empathy for perpetrator..?

Sometimes you need to take sides and not try to.. pacify both victim and perpetrator.

You wrote: “But that does not excuse the copious amounts of abuse. Verbal, physical and sexual. At the time, physical and verbal abuse were considered normal by society.”- all this empathy for her and she’s not even reading your words. I am the one reading your words.

Why empathy for her..? Why express it to me..?

“The sexual abuse…is rampant worldwide to this day (1 in 6 children in my country) and it is particularly traumatizing. ❤️”- what the hell is this red heart emoji doing here when you empathize with the abuser..???

“I learned relatively recently about different kinds of abuse in childhood and the likelihood of developing PTSD. Sexual abuse is 90%. Physical abuse 30-40%. You experienced both. You were basically guaranteed to develop PTSD. ❤️”-

Then DO NOT EMPATHIZE with my sexual abuser! TAKE A SIDE!!!

Well.. Whatever the result of me stating all this.. whatever. I stand up for the truth courageously, no matter the consequences. I am a champion for the Truth.. like Tee. I don’t care for approval or disapproval when it comes to what is True.

Even if I am blocked from this site- BE IT.

Tee.. I’m afraid to lose you. I don’t want to (tears in my eyes and red wine in my system).

Tee, today was the last night of a 4 years old ownership of this old winery I’ve been working for, day in and day out. In practice- I’ve been an owner of these 41 acres.. sold for a significant loss, new ownership to take place tomorrow.

A big change in my life. I walked these 41 acres hundreds, if not thousands of times, pruning apple/ pear trees. cutting invasive blackberries every single afternoon.. then drinking red wine with customers.. and game over till the next day, and again, the same the next day, all year.

This is it, real-life thing.. Don’t even know what’s next.. Living in a tent.. don’t know.

I am hoping for the best.

If I ever get my passport renewed, I’ll stop- on my way to Israel- and see you, irl.. Just to SEE you, HEAR you IRL, Tee.

Tee- I admire you for taking sides; Alessa- Please do.

Tee.. I never shared this before, whom I’ve been volunteering for.. I’ve been volunteering for thousands, many of thousands of dollars on my part, and I have lost. A huge loss. So much more I could tell you..

Tiny buddha has been a way for me to maintain sanity through many thousands of dollars lost in what turned out to be a bad investment… Didn’t share this before.. Last night of ownership, a Loss. A loss.

Anita