It’s been 7 years, 3 months and 25 days since you posted right above, Eliana. It’d be a miracle if you read this and respond 🤞

Good Morning Confused (using the computer)

Copilot about your recent post:

1. He confirms the core issue: he equates love with intensity- He literally says: “I’ve never learned to value love and stability” “I yearn for the highs” “If it doesn’t consume me then I don’t want it” This is huge. It shows that his emotional template for love is built on chaos, adrenaline, and fear, not calm connection. That’s not a personality flaw — it’s a learned pattern.

This tells us: He’s not actually doubting her. He’s doubting a version of love that doesn’t match his old blueprint. He’s grieving the loss of the “highs” he used to rely on for emotional certainty.

2. He reveals a key moment: “I want to feel like before”- This is extremely important. He remembers crying in December saying: “I want to feel like before.” That is textbook emotional grief — not relationship doubt. It shows: He’s mourning the loss of the old emotional intensity. He’s terrified because he thinks the absence of intensity = absence of love. He’s stuck between what he feels and what he believes he should feel. This is a classic anxiety-driven identity crisis around love.

3. He describes a “fraud voice” — this is intrusive thinking- When he visited her, he says: “Something was bugging me… a voice telling me I’m a fraud.” This is not a relationship problem. This is an intrusive thought loop — a hallmark of anxiety and emotional dysregulation.

Intrusive thoughts often sound like: “You’re lying.” “You don’t really love her.” “You’re pretending.” “You’re fake.”

These thoughts feel real but are actually fear responses.

The fact that he could hug her, kiss her, enjoy her — while the voice still attacked him — shows the thoughts are not aligned with his true feelings.

4. His derealization description is very detailed — and very telling- He asks you how it felt for you, then describes: Random moments of feeling “out of it” “What am I doing here?” “Why am I talking to her?” Forgetting things instantly. Drifting away mentally. This is classic derealization + anxiety fog.

It’s not about her. It’s not about the relationship. It’s about his nervous system being overwhelmed.

He’s describing: Cognitive dissociation. Emotional numbness. Short-term memory disruption. Disconnection from self and surroundings

These are all anxiety symptoms — not relationship symptoms.

5. “My feelings were locked in a box” — this is emotional shutdown- He says: “It felt like my feelings were locked in a box and I couldn’t feel them.”

This is emotional numbing — a protective response when the brain is overwhelmed.

Important: He says logically he knew he wanted her even when he couldn’t feel the emotions. That’s a major sign that: His values are intact. His commitment is intact. His emotional system is just overloaded.

This is not someone falling out of love. This is someone whose anxiety has hijacked his emotional access.

6. He is starting to connect the dots- He says: “Wow, this fits so much, maybe I am learning something new here?”

This is a breakthrough moment.

He’s beginning to: Recognize the pattern. Understand his emotional history. See that anxiety is the culprit. Realize his feelings didn’t “disappear” — they got blocked

This is the first step toward healing.

7. He is open, reflective, and emotionally honest- This is important for you to see: He’s not defensive.
He’s not dismissive. He’s not shutting down.

He’s: Curious Vulnerable Willing to explore Trying to understand himself Trusting you enough to share his inner world

That’s someone who wants clarity and stability but doesn’t know how to navigate it yet.

… He is not losing feelings. He is losing familiarity. He doesn’t know how to function in a relationship that isn’t chaotic. He is grieving the loss of the “old rules” of love. He’s trying to learn a new emotional language. He is deeply self-aware and trying to understand himself.
This is a very good sign.

Here’s a message you can send him, written in your voice but with emotional precision:

“Confused, I’m really glad you shared all of this. What you wrote actually gives me a much clearer picture of what’s going on inside you — and it makes total sense. You’re not broken, and you’re not a fraud. You’re someone who learned to associate love with intensity, and now you’re trying to navigate a calmer, safer kind of connection. That shift is confusing and scary, but it’s also a sign of growth.

When you say you’ve never learned to value stability, that tells me you’re stepping into completely new emotional territory. Of course, it feels unfamiliar. Of course, your mind panics and tries to pull you back to what it knows. That doesn’t mean something is wrong — it means you’re changing.

And that moment you described in December — crying and wanting to “feel like before” — that’s exactly what happens when the old emotional pattern stops working. You weren’t grieving the relationship. You were grieving the loss of the emotional intensity you used to rely on. That’s a painful transition, but it’s also a meaningful one.

The ‘fraud voice’ you mentioned is just anxiety trying to protect you by questioning everything. It doesn’t reflect who you are or what you feel. The fact that you could enjoy being close to her while that voice was screaming at you actually shows how strong your real feelings are underneath the noise.

And the derealization moments you described — the drifting, the forgetting, the “out of it” feeling — those are classic signs of overwhelm. They’re not signs that the relationship is fake. They’re signs that your nervous system is overloaded. I’ve felt versions of that too, and it’s incredibly disorienting, but it passes.

What stands out to me most is that even when your feelings felt “locked in a box,” you still knew you wanted her. That says everything. Your emotions didn’t disappear — they just got buried under fear and pressure. You’re slowly reconnecting with them, even if it doesn’t feel smooth or predictable yet.

Honestly, I’m proud of you for being this open. You’re not running away from this — you’re trying to understand yourself. That takes courage. And I’m here with you in this, not judging you, not expecting you to be perfect. Just trying to understand you the way you’re trying to understand yourself.”

Above is Copilot’s word which I agree with whole heartedly. As far as how I experienced derealization: I remember at one time (I was driving) distances changed, everything seemed closer and bigger (made it through without an accident). Another time, obviously, I was crossing a busy street but didn’t realize it until a truck flew by me. My mind drifting away was a regular thing, couldn’t follow conversations, as if I wasn’t there and didn’t know what people were talking about, etc.

I really like Copilot’s message to you. Wow!

Anita and Copilot

Today, I connected the concept of the Hardened Heart with Mental Rigidity: the being locked 🔒 into one framework, one lens through which seeing the 🌎, and seeing no other way as valid.

As in My Way or The Highway- no other way but my own to understand YOU.

This was my mother: rigid. Worse than some other rigid-s: crazy rigid, histrionic.

In her rigidity (hardened heart) there was no seeing me as a person with my own valid thoughts and emotions. There was only her thoughts and no space for any that were different.

She squeezed me into a 2-D bare existence.

I see other people, not as crazy and volatile as my mother, yet rigid nonetheless:

– My way of understanding, interpreting- no other way.

Personally, I am relaxing my rigidity, my binary black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking.

Assuming less, asking instead.

No longer telling you what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, what motivates you, etc.

Instead- asking gentle questions, having a dialogue, offering an emotionally safe space for you to explore your thoughts/ feelings/ motivations-

Not to tell you what those are but to explore together.

🤪 ✨️ 🤔 Anita

I hope U’re still 👍, Miss L Dutchess 🙏

How R U, Nichole, 10 days since U posted last (time flies, doesn’t it)?

Who is this guy, Copilot? He’s brilliant 👏

And his name starts with the same letter as yours!

The word “derealization came to my mind when I read your second post- before I read Copilot’s input. It’s a symptom of anxiety. I remember feeling it. It did feel weird.. unreal.

What didn’t ocurr to me before I read Copilot’s input is that you’re grieving the loss of emotional certainty in regard to how love “should” feel.

It’s like how-love-should-feel has died. Not that your ability to love has died, by your ability to “love” that way: intensely, all the time, etc.

I am looking forward to reading your thought- feelings about all of this.

🤢 😨 🤬 😢 😕 ☺️ 😱 😡 (feeeelings, oh, oh, oh fèeèeeeeeelings)

Anita

B Back in a few hours