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February 16, 2026 at 5:40 pm #455273
anitaParticipantOn a more personal note, Calm Moon: as I read through our communication today, I was amazed by how much we have in common, although decades apart.
Seems like we both, growing up, had mothers who were really still needy children who needed a mother themselves.
We grew up with wounded children who happened to birth us.
We never got to be children because we were born to children in adult form.
It is only within the last few years that I FINALLY feel like a child. It is so strange when I feel this way and then look in the mirror..
A lifetime has passed feeling old when I was 5, 15, 25.. and then a few decades later, feeling like a child for the first time that I can remember.
The damage a mother who is still a child does to her daughter is.. heartbreaking.
A child, a daughter is not equipped to mother her mother, to parent her, not yet being mothered herself.
I didn’t give birth to my mother, yet she.. expected me to.. no, I expected myself to stabilize her, to calm her, to make her okay because no one else did.
Parentification, Role Reversal- we talked about it, well I did in my very first response to you, or second?
I think that you’re in your 30s. And last I read from you regarding your mother-child was that she was living away from you, with a sibling of yours? You felt back then a combination of relief and guilt.
I hope that you’re still living away from her at a distance.
Isn’t it amazing? How much we love our mothers/daughters, how we’d do anything for her.. while she pouts and complains perhaps that we’re not doing enough, or not doing it perfectly?
While all along roles have been Reversed and we were Robbed of our childhood.
I know I speak of “we” and “our” and I am sure our experiences are not 100% identical, but they are pretty similar (and there’s nothing “pretty” about it 😉)
It’s exciting that you’re thinking of having a partner and your own family. An equal partner (not one for you to parent), but something new, like in team work.. raising children perhaps, children who get this precious chance to be children?
🤍 Anita
February 16, 2026 at 3:09 pm #455272anitaParticipantDear Calm Moon:
I am fine, thank you 🙏 Good reading back from you 🙂
This morning, I went through your posts ever since the first on Oct 16, 2024, exactly one year and 4 months ago.
One thing that stands out so clearly is how much inner work you’ve done and how much you’ve grown 🙂. You moved through loss, burnout, family pressure, difficult work environments, and old emotional patterns — and you’ve done it with so much self-awareness and strength.
It’s really beautiful to see you now in a job you enjoy, surrounded by colleagues you like, and finally feeling ready to build a life that includes love, rest, and reciprocity.
What you’re describing about being underpaid again seems to be part of a long pattern you’re slowly untangling: you grew up carrying responsibilities far beyond your age, solving problems for others, and being the emotional anchor in your family. That kind of childhood teaches a person to work hard, stay quiet about what you feel and need, and take care of everyone else first. It also teaches you to tolerate too much and to underestimate your own value.
So, it makes sense that you’ve often ended up in jobs where you give more than you receive, or where your contributions aren’t adequately recognized. The fact that you’re noticing this pattern now — and wanting to advocate for yourself — is a sign of real healing.
The same is true for relationships. You spent so many years being the strong one, the responsible one, the one who doesn’t need anything. Of course, people saw you as self-sufficient. Of course, potential partners felt intimidated or unsure of how to approach you. You were carrying a lifetime of “I must handle everything myself.”
But now you’re starting to soften that belief. You’re realizing that perfection isn’t required for love, and that needing support doesn’t make you weak — it makes you human. That shift alone opens the door to a very different kind of relationship than the ones you avoided in the past.
What I see in your latest update is someone who is finally ready to receive, not just give. Someone who wants a partner, not another responsibility. Someone who wants to be valued at work, not drained. Someone who is learning to let go of the old belief that she must be perfect or endlessly strong to deserve good things.
You’re not repeating the past — you’re rewriting it. And the fact that you’re thinking about asking for a raise, about a future family, and choosing environments that feel healthy shows that you’re already moving into a new chapter.
What I think you need more of are boundaries (with your mother and with everyone else), rest, reciprocity (to receive, not just to give), allowing yourself to need, to be imperfect, to say no, to stop rescuing. A partner who is emotionally mature, a job where you are valued and paid fairly, and most importantly- to learn that you are allowed to be human, not a savior.
You’re doing so well, Calm Moon. Keep trusting the part of you that wants a fuller, more supported life. It’s leading you somewhere good.
🤍Anita
February 16, 2026 at 10:13 am #455270anitaParticipantHappy 😊 Chinese New Year 🐎 ,
Happy Lunar New Year 🌙
Happy Ramadan Mubaraki ✨️
May you, Alessa, and I, and everyone reading this, experience less Sad and more Happy 😊 today, and every day 💙 🤍
🐎 🌙 ✨️
February 16, 2026 at 8:17 am #455266anitaParticipantDear LeenBee
You are welcome 🙏
“Most of the time, he’s a decent person.”- but sometimes he’s not decent, not when he gets aggressive and scares people. I suppose every aggressive- abusive person is sometimes decent.
“I no longer wish to be his caretaker and listen to his complaints.”- I imagine that it could work for 2 people, in general, to give each other 5 (or so) minutes a day to complain, timing it (making it equal time) 🙂
🤍Anita
February 16, 2026 at 8:01 am #455265anitaParticipantDear Laura:
I just looked it up (something I did not at all consider earlier when I answered you): if U.S. service member dates a 17‑year-old (your age), it can easily result in disciplinary action even if there was no sexual activity involved.
Even if the minor lies about her age, the military member is still held responsible for verifying her age.
“She told me she was 18” is not a defense in the military and the military member can face consequences even if he genuinely believed the woman is 18.
Even if the relationship is legal under state law (in some U.S. states, sexual activity with a 16‑ or 17‑year‑old is legal, because the age of consent in those states is 16 or 17), the military can still punish the service member. The military holds its members to a higher standard than civilian law.
In real‑world situations, if the service member reasonably believed she was 18, and she actively lied, and there was no sexual contact, and no evidence of coercion or grooming …the military might handle it administratively (counseling, reprimand) rather than criminally.
But if there was sexual contact, even if consensual, the military almost always investigates — because the risk is too high.
Why the military is so strict- because the military is extremely protective of its reputation and its personnel. Relationships with minors can damage careers, lead to criminal charges, trigger mandatory investigations, or create public‑relations issues. So, the military takes a “zero‑risk” approach.
Bottom line: even if a 17‑year‑old lies and says she’s 18, the relationship is still considered inappropriate, and the military member is still responsible, and the military can still punish him.
Anita
February 15, 2026 at 7:42 pm #455250anitaParticipantHow are you/ what’s new, Laura?
February 15, 2026 at 6:16 pm #455249anitaParticipantHi Everone:
I chose the title of a very famous, melancholic song 🎵 released in 1971 if I remember correctly.
I chose it because Thomas brought it up, feeling Alone himself one evening, Alone Again.
I want to invite you, Thomas, to post here again, as many times as you’d like, if you would, and share about your brand of Alone.
You too, Alessa, if you’d like to share about your kind of Alone.
I’d like to invite anyone who may be reading this to share about your brand/ kind of Alone.
This evening I will share about the Alone I grew up with, in a stream of consciousness kind of way, whatever comes to mind.
* Adding a Trigger Warning ⚠️ (after I typed for a while) because suicide is mentioned.
I was never alone when she was physically there, talking- to me or to others, in person or on the phone. Living in a tiny apartment, there was no privacy or time alone. I couldn’t help but hear her every word. And she talked ALOT.
When she was out working that’s when I was alone in the apartment, lying down with the radio playing songs like “Alone Again (Naturally)”, and daydreaming, a lot, finding refuge in make believe love stories and international success as a movie star or a famous dancer or even one who started a new religion.
In real-life there was my mother and me spending so much time in such close physical proximity and no other social life for me, almost no time outside on my own, no friends.
For one thing, she repeatedly threatened suicide, so I felt it was my obligation, my job, to be with her in the apt so to sort of watch over her, so that she’ll never be alone.
I didn’t want to leave her alone and then find out she killed herself and it’d be my fault because I wasn’t there.
And also because she instilled in me the feeling that if I get close to anyone else (a cousin, a school peer, an uncle, an aunt, anyone, and as an adolescent, a boy), I’d be betraying her.
So, there I was with her almost non-stop, Never Alone.
But the never-alone, the togetherness with her, meant that I had to not be there, psychologically speaking.
No individual identity was allowed. In other words, a distinct person with own emotions, thoughts, likes, dislikes.. none of that was allowed.
I was there with her as a shell of a person, the appearance of a person. No internal life allowed that’s any different than hers.
So, the Alone, for me, was about almost always being together with a person who did not allow me to be distinct or separate or unlike her in any way.
If red was her favorite color, why, it had to be mine, so to speak.
I don’t think she ever asked me a question like, “What do you THINK (about this or that)?”, or (she definitely would never, ever ask me), “What do you FEEL about (this or that)?”
There was no me allowed.
So, the Alone for me was within my soul, an ongoing ache TO BE a person free from the domination of another person who happened to be my mother.
So, now- fast forward, Togetherness primarily means, to me, taking space, being a 3-D person, not a 2-D extension of her.
Like right now, expressing all this in this post. This is me in 3-D ☺️
My favorite colors are snow white and blue- turquoise, I love spending time with people who are friendly and genuine. I am not owned by anyone.
I am Free 2 B me.
🎵 🤍 ✨️ Anita
February 15, 2026 at 2:07 pm #455248anitaParticipantDear Alessa 😊
So good to read from you! I was thinking about you earlier today, thought about asking how you’re doing.
How are you and your son?
Thank you for your supportive and empathetic message 🙏
I want to add to this thread later, today or tomorrow, talk more about the topic. I find it therapeutic.
🙏 🤍 Anita
February 15, 2026 at 9:47 am #455245anitaParticipantDear Ivy:
Again, I truly admire you for being assertive and respectful 🙏 just as you’ve been in your most recent message.
I really don’t know much about DVDs or anything like that.
Thank you for replying and wishing me a great day. I wish 🤞 you and your family the same 😊
🙌 🙌 🤍 Anita
February 15, 2026 at 9:22 am #455243anitaParticipantDear Ivy:
I understand and relate to not wanting to be judged for your likes (or dislikes).
I admire you for communicating how you feel- honestly, directly, and respectfully- just as you did a bit more than an hour ago.
How are you these days, Ivy?
🤍👍🤍 Anita
February 14, 2026 at 8:16 pm #455239anitaParticipantDear Thomas:
Aa I read that the past still haunts you, that you have so many regrets, that it’s hard for you to let go of the past, my heart breaks for you this Sat night 🌙 (I didn’t realize it’s Vaentine Day, by the way, until an hour ago… and I don’t care that it is 🙂 ]
Anyway, I.. for whatever it’s worth, I don’t want the past to haunt you. I would like you to be at peace.
Like I told you before, you ARE a good person, however imperfect (and who is..)
Just don’t want you to suffer, Thomas. You’ve done your best. It’s just that there’s so much to this complicated world 🌎 we live in.
Letting go of the past, I figure, is about letting go of the idea that you should have been a super human (a god), and accepting that you, that I, that we are only humans. Not gods/ not some perfect specimens.
May peace be with you this Sat night, and with me, and with those we care so much about.
🤍🎵🌙 Anita
February 14, 2026 at 7:52 pm #455238anitaParticipantThis reply has been reported for inappropriate content.
Thank you for getting it, Confused. 🙂🙏🤍💡✨️
February 14, 2026 at 4:32 pm #455235anitaParticipantI got to stop trying to explain because pages 13-46 of trying resulted in a-page-46-Confused who is no less confused than page 13-Confused. Know what I mean, Confused? ☺️
February 14, 2026 at 4:06 pm #455233anitaParticipantWell, I explained it best I could in this thread starting on page 1, and repeatedly on pages 13-44 in this thread. I can’t explain it any better or any more than I already did.
I will not be surprised though 🙂 if you find a better explanation elsewhere, one that will resonate with you. I’m sure there are plenty of YouTubes on attachment styles, explained by psychotherapist.
🤍 Anita
February 14, 2026 at 3:19 pm #455231anitaParticipantWell, Confused, she showed no signs of violence, she is not similar to your mother. I understand this point 👉, and I also understand that a violent, unpredictable childhood experience leads to insecure attachment styles that explain what you’re experiencing.
🤍 Anita
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