Dear Christi,

I’m sorry for the delay — I’m not feeling well this morning and my mind is slow. Like you, I woke up early, sometime after 5, and I’m having trouble focusing. So, I’ll keep this simple.

Reading everything you shared, it seems like part of what pulls you back to the land is the world that once lived there — your parents, being their child, the safety and belonging that filled those years. The place holds all of that. It’s almost like an old photograph that brings back a whole moment in time. You can feel the peace and connection in it, and that’s real.

You wrote: “When I visit, something in me settles. My soul feels at peace there… When I’m home on 5 acres of beautiful land, there is a deep sense of peace and connection that I don’t find anywhere else. I feel homesick when away from my childhood home.”

And at the same time: “Sometimes when I’m in my hometown, I feel homesick. Not for another place exactly, but for a version of home that no longer exists… When I’m there, I sometimes feel homesick for the urban life.”

That mix makes sense. A photograph captures a real moment of love, family, and belonging — which mirrors what you said the house represents — but it’s also frozen in time. You can look at it, feel it, ache for it, but you can’t step back into the life it shows. The land brings back what mattered, and it also reminds you of what isn’t alive in the same way anymore.

You’re doing something wise by taking your time. You’re letting both the emotional pull and the practical part of you speak. And maybe, as you keep listening, more clarity will come — not all at once, but gently.

🌿🌿🌿 Anita

To be exact, it was completely dark here in Sedro‑Woolley, WA tonight at 9:54 PM, which is when last light ended. Sunset was at 9:14 PM. Still light.

My goodness, the sun did just set here, W. Wash.

Back sooner than later: about other people- those who are fortunate enough to grow up in stable homes with emotionally regulated parents who don’t fight and leave again and again-

I imagine that for them, Love and Peace coexist.

Not Love and Fear.

So no shutdowns, no intrusive doubting thoughts, etc.

🐔 Anita

It’s like “if I love her, I’ll get terribly hurt” (Fear of emotional pain),

“If I don’t love her, I won’t get hurt”.

So, when Love goes up, so does the Fear, and your 🧠 responds by “killing” the love,

But Confused is a loving person and she is truly lovable, so Love resurfaces, fun and affection..

And next- even if you don’t feel the Fear- 🧠 is in the habit of protecting you from anticipated emotional pain by producing emotional shutdowns and intrusive thoughts.

🐔 Anita (Copilot is not involved in the above, using my phone)

Hey Lisa 😊

So good to read back from you 🙏

Yes, C-PTSD makes perfect sense. You experienced ongoing trauma from a very early age. Actually, you experienced trauma before you were even born (your teenage mother taking drugs while pregnant with you), and then you were given away as a baby to an orphanage of some kind to be relieved later by your grandmother.

And that was only the beginning 😔

The fact that you survived such an exceptionally difficult childhood of deprivation and violence (your unless fighting outside your room, I remember you sharing, and you blocking the door to protect yourself), and managed to work and support yourself all these years, is a testimony of your strength and resilience 👍👍👍

I remember, long ago, you shared about maladaptive daydreaming. It was the first time I heard the term and I related to it. It was a way to fill my mind and heart with images of the love that I was deprived of in real- life.

It was only a few days ago that I posted in one of my threads that the title “Unloved” would fit an autobiographical book about my life.

Does it resonate, Lisa?

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

Dear Christi:

The coincidence (!) you wrote: “sitting on five beautiful acres in what I believe is one of the most beautiful places in Washington state.”-

I am sitting on exactly 5 beautiful acres in the evergreen state right now.

Late here and just turned dark only half an hour ago. I’ll write more in the morning.

Anita