This is the first time above, that I ever referred to myself as “Ima Anita”, meaning, Mother-Anita, and it came about spontaneously that I said it.. Ima Anita.

I so want to leave behind the S.H.A.M.E and I can!

To leave behind all that unbearable, deep-reaching, stinging, burning.. excruciating shame.

It was too scary to fully acknowledge it back then. But now, I see it like it is.. When she said to me, these exact words: “I will MURDER you” Tell me that’s a MOTHER..?

Actually, MOTHER and MURDER are two 6-letter M words.. Am I counting it right?

Yes, I just recounted So, yes, 2 synonyms- for me. (A moment)

It’s something else.. to recover- not from a flawed, imperfect mother- but from a.. Murderous Mother. (MM..?)

The trauma is caught in my muscles, the tics, every minute, every day.

I so want to heal/ recover from this. This is why I am trying to make it as clear as possible this Sun night, typing as I think, as I feel: whatever comes to mind (red wine involved):

LGA (back then): Help me! Help me! Someone help me!!! S O M E O N E H.E.L.P me.. Help me..?

(Silence) H E L P (Silence)

The body/ mind shrinks, as small as possible.. Less of me = Less to be hurt.

Less of me to ne alive = less of me to die.

Going through life absently.. no me= nothing to be Hurt- dissociation, fragmentation.

Here, tonight, I am re-associating, re-integrating.

It’s not an intellectual, rational process alone.

It’s.. (whatever comes to mind)-

I want to rid myself of monster’s black eyes and mean smile.. 👺 🖤

There was no Mother in Monster 🖤, two M words.

No shame belongs to me. Was a lie.

A monster’s lie.

My body, right now, not shameful.

Shame back to her 🖤, not mine!

Body okay, stomach, intestines, all else.. just a body, a human body, nothing unique to me… Just an animal-human body, nothing I personally chose.. something I was born into.

Tired, tired of SHAME.

No more shame 4 me.

Dear Tee:

Change of plans, I do have the time to read and respond.

It happens in mornings that when I see your name as having posted in this thread, I need to check to see if you’re still supportive of me, if you’re still kind to me, or if you changed and there’s criticism or approval coming at me. It’s the habit of not knowing which I will get growing up (inward), the soft, affectionate mother at times, or the Monster.

“I’m happy to read that you’re gaining more and more clarity regarding covert narcissism, and that you won’t allow yourself to be gaslighted anymore”- in progress healing, and it’s accelerating most recently, here, in communication with you, because of you 🙏 🙏 🙏

“Great! Yes, covert narcissism is very tricky – it presents very differently than grandiose narcissism. They’re not the bragging and self-aggrandizing type, which people usually associate with narcissism, but almost the opposite: the meek, shy, self-deprecating (at least in public).

“At home they’re not meek and shy at all, but they nevertheless play the victim and guilt-trip those who love them (I almost wrote “their loved ones”, but you corrected me last time: it’s the people who love them – not whom they love).”-

Yes, exactly, that’s how she was.. and to think that you corrected “loved ones” to “those who loved them” makes me smile appreciatingly 😊

“Yes!!! So good to hear this! 🎉 (this is supposed to be confetti emoji – hope it turns out well when I post it:) ) ❤️”- cute (another 😊), ❤️

“Well, I’m not a mother, but I think the only time when it’s appropriate for a parent to touch their child’s genitals is when they’re a baby or a toddler and they’re changing their diapers or bathing them. I read somewhere that when the child can go to the toilet on their own, that’s when they can be entrusted to clean their private parts themselves.”-

When I read this earlier this morning, I remember something I forgot.. I was an older child, maybe 8.. way, way after going to the bathroom on my own. Maybe 10, maybe older. I remember having to call her name so that she’d come in and wipe me. I can’t tell you the extent of the shame. But I had to, that’s what she said I had to do.

As I wrote right above “wipe me”, it’s more like wipe “it”. My body felt like an “it”, a shameful it. Everything about it was shameful.

… My goodness, Tee, I am thinking that I had one of the sickest mother-monster in the whole wide world.

The squashing of my autonomy in each and every way: feeding me, wiping me, washing me, dressing me.

I remember lying down in bed on my back, after those showers, lying flat, and she would put the pajamas over my feet, legs and then, I knew (because she told me so earlier) to raise my behind so that she could slide the pajamas up.

And the top of the pajamas- I would raise my arms so that she’d slide the top over and push it down.

I remember this one neighbor, Rosie. She was present during one of those times she dressed me, an adolescent or older (arms up and sliding the pajamas downward), and she said, she cried in an alarmed voice: “BUT THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR HER!” (her exact words, translated).

I remember this like it was yesterday. Because no one said something like that before. The mother responded, saying with a smile, contentment, satisfaction.. confidence: “She likes it!”, as she continued to dress me.

Okay, I had a heavy-duty, seriously perverted mother-monster. It was never as clear to me as it is now!!!

But like I said before, back then, a child was her mother’s property to do with it as she’d like.

I remember the same neighbor Rosie, when her sister came to visit her from the U.S., her sister, Rita, had a son, 11 years old at the time, I think (I was 13). So, Rita and son were in Rosie’s house, and she was beating her son mercilessly. You could hear the son’s muffled cries and the sounds of whatever she was using (a belt, I think) to beat him. You could hear the sounds outside the closed door.

Her sister was given the privacy to do as she wished to her son, her property- in her sister’s house. I was standing right outside the closed door with Rosie and others. I was horrified. Everyone waited quietly until Monster-Rita was finished beating her son, and opened the door. And when it was opened (I don’t remember this part), but I am sure nothing was said or done about any of it.

Taking a moment to calm down from this memory.

“Here’s an answer that I found: ‘At what age should a child clean themselves? This can vary greatly from child to child. By about 5 they should be fully toilet trained including correct wiping and washing hands, many children can go by about 3-to 3.5 yrs, however they don’t usually wipe and wash properly until about 5 or 6.'”-

I don’t remember when she stopped. I remember now, like it was yesterday, the distance in time between calling her name and her coming in. So weird, thinking of it now, but back then.. I just followed her instructions, didn’t know how it’s supposed to be.

But S.H.A.M.E was intense then and enduring lifetime.

“So if your mother was bathing you say at the age of 7 or 8 or 10, and she was touching your genitals so as to clean them, I think that’s inappropriate. A good mother would teach the child how to do it themselves. You didn’t like it, you instinctively felt it was wrong, but as a child, you of course didn’t ask other children if that was normal. And so you endured it, although it felt uncomfortable.”-

And I remember the distance in time between calling her name and her entering the bathroom. I hid parts of myself best I could. I think I unintentionally uttered sounds of distress, but she didn’t hear or care to hear or see my obvious distress.

Funny, that land is called “Holy Land”.. nothing holy in my experience growing up (inward).

I am feeling a bit sick right now, tears in my eyes. It’s like all this time, ALL THIS TIME, I didn’t see the plain truth: that she was that sick, and that society back then was that sick.

A moment.

“You’re welcome, Anita. Yes, that’s the modus operandi of a narcissist: put another person down, so to feel better about themselves. If your mother had the need to devalue almost everybody, that shows her narcissistic traits were pretty strong, I think.”- Yes, 100% Covert Narcissist, no doubt in my mind!

“Honestly, I don’t think she had empathy for you. If she had any, she wouldn’t have initiated vomiting (bulimia) when she was pregnant with you (if that’s what happened). But in theory, it’s possible that a narcissistic parent develops jealousy and hostility for their children only later, typically when they start showing some independence and a will of their own. That can be as late as puberty, but also much earlier too.”-

Yes, to the second part. As to the first, I recently came across the term “Selected Empathy” when it comes to Narcissists. The mother had empathy for hungry cats.. anything that was hungry, or could be hungry.

“A child at age 2-3 starts saying No a lot, they show resistance to the parent, which is a normal part of child’s development. And I can imagine that when a narcissistic parent starts hearing No, they get really angry and triggered. Maybe that’s when they start showing open hostility towards the child, I don’t know… But I can imagine that any display of independence – in the sense of not following parental commands – may be triggering for a narcissistic parent.”-

You are 100% correct in regard to the mother, 100%.

“This is telling on more levels: first, the fact the you even dared to ask your mother if your father sexually abused you shows (I believe) that your mother was talking poorly about him all the time, and so you weren’t afraid of asking such a… well, pretty damning question.”- Oh yes, of course, she talked negatively about him all along.

“Also, the fact that she told you she made such a horrible remark to him: that he might as well sexually assault his own daughter (baby at the time) if he is interested in young women – that’s horrendous: both what she told him, but also that she later told you about it.

“You called her vicious, and the above is I’m afraid an example of that viciousness. I guess she said that to hurt him – to hurt him deeply, to cause as much pain as possible. And then she told you about it later (do you remember how old were you at the time?), as if bragging about how much she’d hurt him, making sure you know how much she hates him. At least that’s how I would interpret her words..”-

I never thought about her hurting him. The story she told me all along was that he hurt her. I don’t remember feeling empathy for him, only for her. Just now, I had a moment of empathy for him.

As far as how old I was when she told me that he might desire baby Anita for sex.. Five, six.. earlier..? whenever the thought occurred to her. There was no age-appropriate consideration on her part, no such thing.

“Narcissistic people can say really hurtful things, things that can feel like a dagger to our heart. And if it comes from our own mother, the pain is enormous. I’ve experienced hurtful remarks from my mother too, but they weren’t as hurtful as this.”-

Like daggers indeed. I am sorry you experienced this to any extent 😢

“I’m so sorry about it, Anita. Please give yourself a hug, and I too am giving you a virtual hug ❤️”- than you, Tee. You are the best!!! Virtual hug back to you ❤️

“Give LGA a hug to protect her from your mother’s malicious words. Perhaps you can imagine an umbrella or a shield that protects you from those words. Or perhaps you can imagine yourself in a protective bubble, an oasis filled with butterflies and flowers and singing birds… something soothing and innocent, as opposed to harsh and cruel that you’ve received from your mother.

“I hope this wasn’t too upsetting for you.. and that you can keep taking care of yourself, every day, little by little, being there for yourself and LGA as you walk this path towards healing. ❤️”-

Yes, this was upsetting, but I was not along in it. There’s someone listening to me, someone understanding, attending, validating- and this makes ALL the difference 🙏 🙏 🙏

“I’m glad that you’ve become more trusting towards people, and also towards me. Your previous attitude of suspicion and distrust is understandable – since your mother was like that towards other people, and she taught you to be like that too. And also, since you’ve received mostly abuse from her, you were conditioned to expect abuse from other people too. I’m glad that this is now changing and that you’re slowly opening up ❤️ 🫶 ❤️”-

Yes, yes, yes, my attitude is changing (tears in my eyes)

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita