Dear Tom:

It’s good to hear from you 🙂 and I’m glad you are keeping active even with work being stressful.

It makes sense that turning 40 brings up reflection — big birthdays often do.

You’re doing your best in a tough job while still looking for something better, and that effort counts. And it’s lovely that your partner planned a trip for your birthday — you deserve something enjoyable and grounding right now.

I remember how much pressure I put on myself to be at a different place in life from where I was at 30 and at 40, feeling that I failed some objective standards. I felt like a failure and that hurt so much.

If I could go back in time and give my younger 40-year-old self-advice, I’d say to her: you don’t deserve to suffer. You’re trying your best with what you’ve been given. You don’t have to reach any objective standard. You are a good person at heart. Please be gentle with yourself. Please love yourself, truly.

I say the same to you, Tom 🙂

🤍 Anita

I am fine 🙂 Mollie, good to read from you this morning!

As I scrolled down this page of your thread, I noticed that back in Jan I wrote about experiencing bouts of anxiety. I’m glad to report that I haven’t since!

Yesterday, I got Mt first tattoo ever and was excited about it.

How are you?

🤍 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

I’ll answer Fri morning (Thurs afternoon here)

🤍 Anita

Dear Alecsee:

I reread your first posts starting with the first on July 8, 2025, then fast forwarded to your posts yesterday/ today (Feb 18-19, 2026).

This was indeed an anxious–avoidant relationship, like you said yourself, which tends to be the most painful combination.

You needed reassurance, communication, emotional closeness, consistency and transparency.

She needed space, independence, emotional distance, physical proximity (not long-distance) and low-intensity connection

Your needs were fundamentally incompatible. And as a result, you pursued → she withdrew → you panicked → she shut down → you escalated → she cut off.

This is a textbook anxious–avoidant pairing.

Neither one of you is ‘the villain.’ You were simply mismatched in a way that amplified each other’s worst fears.

Your posts show a man who has been losing himself in the relationship for a long time. The breaking point was her father’s death when she withdrew completely, and you panicked completely. This is when you started messaging her repeatedly, visiting, leaving gifts, and trying to force clarity. You weren’t trying to harm her — you were trying to stop the emotional freefall.

The “cheating lie” was not a calculated act. It was a panic response. You were thinking along these lines: ‘She’s gone=> I need her to respond=> I need something to break the silence!’

Her responses were harsh, final, and deeply wounding, and you spiraled into self-blame, regret and obsessive replaying of events, trying to understand what went wrong.

Her final messages were angry, defensive, overwhelmed, emotionally reactive and final. She was trying to protect herself. Her words reflect fear, anger, exhaustion, a desire for distance, a need for control and for closure on her terms.

She was not in a place where reconciliation was possible. She explicitly said she never wants to be in contact again, blocked you on multiple platforms, told you to stop trying, said there is “zero chance” of reconnection and ended with “Goodbye.”

This is not an ambiguous situation. This is a closed door.

You kept asking: “Did I have a chance?”, “Could I have saved it?”, “Was it doomed?”, “Did I ruin everything?”

The truth is: the relationship was already ending long before the cheating lie. The lie accelerated the end, but it didn’t cause it.

Your needs were incompatible from the start. You didn’t ruin a healthy relationship — you clung to an unhealthy one.

You’re grieving the idea of her — the version of her you hoped she could be. Healing means accepting that she wasn’t emotionally available, she couldn’t meet your needs, you couldn’t meet hers, and that the relationship was mismatched from the start

Letting go isn’t forgetting. It’s accepting reality over fantasy.

It’d be easy to paint her as cold, avoidant, or cruel. But her behavior makes sense when you understand her emotional world. She was overwhelmed — she had an all-consuming job, a parent’s death, chronic exhaustion
and a limited space within her mind for conflict or intensity.

Avoidant people shut down when overwhelmed. That’s how they protect themselves. Avoidant partners fear being engulfed. When they feel overwhelmed, they retreat.

Her harsh messages came from fear and anger. This wasn’t her at her best. This was her in fight-or-flight mode.

She wasn’t capable of giving what you needed because she couldn’t handle emotional intensity, couldn’t handle conflict, and couldn’t handle long-distance. She couldn’t handle someone who needed reassurance. This makes her incompatible with you.

Here’s what moving forward can look like for someone in your position:

A. Accepting that the relationship is over- not because you failed, not because she’s cruel, but because you were incompatible. Acceptance is the first step toward peace.

B. Letting yourself grieve fully- allow the sadness, anger, confusion, longing and regret. These emotions pass when they’re felt, not when they’re avoided.

C. Rebuilding your emotional foundation- this means reconnecting with friends, rediscovering hobbies, grounding yourself in routine, learning emotional regulation, and practicing self-compassion.

You need to rebuild the parts of yourself that were shaken during the relationship and breakup.

D. Learning healthier relationship patterns- you can learn to communicate needs calmly, choose partners who are emotionally available, recognize red flags early, avoid chasing avoidant partners, and slow down when anxious. This is how you can break the cycle.

E. Understanding that attraction can be rewired- being fixated on her body type and the physical chemistry,
that’s normal after heartbreak. But over time, you can learn to be attracted to emotional safety, consistency, kindness and reciprocity.

F. Realizing that love isn’t supposed to feel like panic- the love of your life will not disappear for months, block you repeatedly, leave him in uncertainty, or make you feel like you’re drowning

Real love feels like calm, safety, mutual effort, emotional presence and trust.

You haven’t experienced that yet — but you can.

🌟 The bottom line: You’re not broken. She’s not evil. You were simply incompatible in a way that activated both of your deepest wounds.

You can heal. You can grow. You can love again — in a healthier, more grounded way.

And the pain you’re feeling now is not a sign that you lost “the one.” It’s a sign that you cared deeply, and that you’re ready to learn what real emotional safety looks like.

* I will add more in the next post

🤍 Anita