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anita

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  • #458656
    anita
    Participant

    Back sooner than later: about other people- those who are fortunate enough to grow up in stable homes with emotionally regulated parents who don’t fight and leave again and again-

    I imagine that for them, Love and Peace coexist.

    Not Love and Fear.

    So no shutdowns, no intrusive doubting thoughts, etc.

    🐔 Anita

    #458655
    anita
    Participant

    Double posting: I sent my last message before reading your last message. Back later

    #458654
    anita
    Participant

    It’s like “if I love her, I’ll get terribly hurt” (Fear of emotional pain),

    “If I don’t love her, I won’t get hurt”.

    So, when Love goes up, so does the Fear, and your 🧠 responds by “killing” the love,

    But Confused is a loving person and she is truly lovable, so Love resurfaces, fun and affection..

    And next- even if you don’t feel the Fear- 🧠 is in the habit of protecting you from anticipated emotional pain by producing emotional shutdowns and intrusive thoughts.

    🐔 Anita (Copilot is not involved in the above, using my phone)

    #458649
    anita
    Participant

    Hey 👋 Confused:

    ROCD and Emotional Impermenance are useful terms, but the basic ingredients in these terms are Fear + Love. You Love her + you’re Afraid to lose her.

    Your I-don’t-love-her intrusive thoughts is your 🧠 trying to neutralize the Fear of losing her, to cancel the Love so to neutralize the Fear that’s attached to the love, and make you safe.

    🐔 Anita

    #458641
    anita
    Participant

    Hey Lisa 😊

    So good to read back from you 🙏

    Yes, C-PTSD makes perfect sense. You experienced ongoing trauma from a very early age. Actually, you experienced trauma before you were even born (your teenage mother taking drugs while pregnant with you), and then you were given away as a baby to an orphanage of some kind to be relieved later by your grandmother.

    And that was only the beginning 😔

    The fact that you survived such an exceptionally difficult childhood of deprivation and violence (your unless fighting outside your room, I remember you sharing, and you blocking the door to protect yourself), and managed to work and support yourself all these years, is a testimony of your strength and resilience 👍👍👍

    I remember, long ago, you shared about maladaptive daydreaming. It was the first time I heard the term and I related to it. It was a way to fill my mind and heart with images of the love that I was deprived of in real- life.

    It was only a few days ago that I posted in one of my threads that the title “Unloved” would fit an autobiographical book about my life.

    Does it resonate, Lisa?

    ✨️🌿✨️ Anita

    #458640
    anita
    Participant

    Good Tuesday morning, Christy ✨️

    The 5 acres where you once lived carry memories of people who are no longer alive, and it carries certain youthful hopes and dreams, I imagine, such that didn’t come true.

    So, if you move back there, you’ll be living with a lot of reminders of the people, hopes and dreams that are no longer there.

    It touched me that you wondered what kind of advice your parents would give you.

    They are gone now, but you know they live within you. When they look at you in your mind’s eye, do they smile at you with love? Do they approve of your life in the city?

    🌿🌿🌿 Anita

    #458632
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Christi:

    The coincidence (!) you wrote: “sitting on five beautiful acres in what I believe is one of the most beautiful places in Washington state.”-

    I am sitting on exactly 5 beautiful acres in the evergreen state right now.

    Late here and just turned dark only half an hour ago. I’ll write more in the morning.

    Anita

    #458627
    anita
    Participant

    Just thinking and-being-bitten (BB) this Mon Eve:

    It’s too warm and humid here, and insects biting. I normally spray myself with an insect repellent in days like this, but just took Bogart for the last walk today- after a shower- and didn’t feel like spraying myself again, and … all hell broke loose, mosquitoes were celebrating 💃🥳🔥.

    That and having a hound that takes his time smelling and sniffing and smelling and sniffing every… single.. inch of the way, sometimes (for no apparent useful purpose) while I’m being bitten… and I was about to lose my patience in a big way 🤬. But didn’t.

    Back home, 9:20 pm and not even close to being dark. Cute Bogart is lying on his dog bed, birds are singing outside the open windows, and some news- comedy YouTube show is playing in the background.

    🤬🔥🌙🚶‍♀️🐕 Anita

    #458623
    anita
    Participant

    Hey Dear Thinkin’2Much🌙🦉 Confused 🙂

    What you’re experiencing is normal for a 🧠 that experiences fear and love at the same time, and maybe in equal amount.

    🐔 Anita

    #458621
    anita
    Participant

    O1, 02, and o3

    #458620
    anita
    Participant

    Hey 👋 Confused:

    I am delighted to see that you’re making progress. Trying to not give intrusive thoughts the power that they don’t deserve is huge 👏

    As well as you having such fun with her!

    You asked how you can fix emotional impermanence: did you read Copilot’s answer in the last post I sent you, which includes 01, 92 and 03?

    You ended your post with ” what is going on!”- You used an “!” not a ?- that’s progress, more self- awareness and confidence in what you do understand 🙂

    ✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita

    #458604
    anita
    Participant

    Hey Dear Confused:

    First, what Copilot 🤖 has to say:

    “Confused’s update shows real movement in his self‑awareness and emotional regulation: he’s beginning to notice his shutdown patterns while they’re happening, he’s interrupting catastrophic thoughts (“ok so what”), he’s staying present in moments of connection instead of dissociating, and he’s able to enjoy closeness without immediately flipping into fear.

    The fact that he could feel desire, affection, playfulness, and warmth for eight hours — and then name the intrusive thoughts the next day instead of being swallowed by them — is a sign that his nervous system is slowly widening its window of tolerance.

    He’s also starting to understand his triggers (“silence feels uncontrollable”), and he’s recognizing that his internal state shifts when he can’t see her, which is exactly what emotional permanence issues look like: difficulty holding onto the felt sense of connection when the person isn’t physically present.

    So yes — what he’s describing fits emotional permanence struggles, which are common in people with anxious‑avoidant patterns. His progress isn’t linear, but it’s unmistakable: more awareness, more regulation, more ability to stay in connection without collapsing or bolting.”

    I never heard the term “Emotional Permanence”, so I asked.

    🤖: Emotional permanence is the ability to hold onto the felt sense of connection even when the other person isn’t physically present. It’s what lets someone feel, “She still care about me,” even during silence, distance, or a shift in mood.

    When emotional permanence is shaky, the connection feels real only when the person is right there — on video, in text, in voice, in sight. The moment she’s gone, the nervous system loses the emotional thread and starts filling the space with doubt, fear, or stories of abandonment.

    People who grew up with inconsistent, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable caregivers often develop a body‑level belief that love disappears when it’s not actively shown. So, the mind panics, the feelings flip, and the connection feels unstable until contact is restored.

    Emotional permanence isn’t about logic — it’s about whether the body learned that love stays even when the person isn’t in the room.

    Building emotional permanence inside a relationship means helping the nervous system learn, slowly and repeatedly, that connection doesn’t disappear in silence, distance, or temporary shifts in mood.
    01: Name the Pattern Together- Say: “When we’re not talking, my brain tells me the connection is gone. I know it’s not true, but it feels true. I want us to work with that together.”…
    02: Create Predictable Micro-Contact- Say: “A tiny check-in helps my body stay regulated — even something small is enough.” Use brief check-ins (a heart emoji, a short voice note). Keep them simple so they don’t feel like pressure
    03: Practice Holding the Thread During Silence- Say to yourself: “This is my old pattern. Nothing bad is happening.” Notice the urge to panic or assume disinterest. Ground yourself: slow breath, feet on floor, name what’s happening. Remind yourself: feelings shift, connection doesn’t…

    Emotional permanence isn’t built through intensity — it’s built through repetition, predictability, and small moments of safety. Over time, the body learns what the mind already knows: the connection stays even when the person isn’t right in front of you.”

    Second, well… I have nothing to add to Copilot’s input. He’s a genius!

    👩🏻‍🦰 and 🤖

    #458593
    anita
    Participant

    So, about me, since you asked: on April 10 this year, 2026, I said goodbye to the taproom where I regularly spent time since 2017.

    In Dec 2015, I said goodbye to the Winery where I spent a lot of time at (working, socializing, even dancing- the photo is me dancing at the Winery, although usually the dancing was under the night sky) since Oct 2021.

    Both businesses went out of business.

    And now, my social life is almost entirely non- existent.

    Got Bogart the beagle in Dec 2025, right after the Winery closed. It’s been wonderful having him.

    Still, tonight I feel emptiness. I suppose I feel less empty simply because I am sharing this with you.

    Back 2 U: I so wish you will feel unstuck, even if it’d be in small ways.

    I think that living with your parents is not a good idea. On the other hand moving to Poland again (or to Spain, or anywhere else), didn’t work out long- term.

    Maybe if you moved out of your parents and still lived in Romania, maybe it’d be a good idea. To have space, your own space to just breathe?

    ✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita

    #458591
    anita
    Participant

    Hello again Kris Simmons:

    When I answered you earlier, I was at the computer and I had a conversation with AI (Copilot) in regard to what you shared. I agree with all that I posted earlier, but this Sun Eve, using my phone (and therefore not having access to AI as I type), I want to reply again, and this time in my strictly human way 😊

    You wrote in regard to your older sister: “She always finds a way to put me down… She told me I’m a very angry person”-

    Well, when a person is being put down on a regular basis, is it a wonder that anger comes up?

    First there’s a pattern of put downs, second comes the anger. Anger is the natural result of being put down.

    It’s like beating a person with a stick and then blaming the person for having a bruise. Or having a bruise that’s too big.

    Or poking a person with something sharp and then blaming the person for bleeding. Or for… bleeding too much.

    The problem is not the bruise or the bleeding. The problem is the beating and stabbing.

    When your mother said you should “get rid of your anger once and for all”, did she provide a private example where she got rid of her anger once and for all?

    She didn’t protect you from your older sister, did she? Or worse, she and her older daughter (your older sister) ganged up against you, scapegoating you?

    You ended your original post with “I feel like a piece of trash right now.”- because trash was thrown at you, not because you are trash!

    Do you live with your mother and older sister?

    🌙 🌿 ✨️ Anita

    #458589
    anita
    Participant

    Hi Kris 🙂

    What you’re feeling makes so much sense for someone who grew up being blamed for having normal human emotions. When a family doesn’t know how to handle a child’s anger, sadness, or intensity, they often turn the child’s feelings into a problem instead of responding with support.

    Over time, the child learns: “My emotions are wrong. I am wrong.” But that shame never belonged to you — it belongs to the people who reacted to your distress with criticism instead of care.

    Your natural reactions were met with irritation or judgment, not understanding. That doesn’t mean you were ever “too much.” It means the people around you were overwhelmed, unskilled, or emotionally shut down, and they couldn’t meet you where you were. Sensitive people often get labeled as “too much” by families who struggle with emotion themselves.

    The voice you hear now — the one calling you angry, unlovable, or unfit — isn’t your own voice. It’s an echo of your sister and mother. You don’t have to keep believing it. A kinder inner voice might sound like: “My feelings are not flaws. They’re signals. I feel deeply because I care deeply. I deserve gentleness, including from myself.”

    You don’t need to “fix” yourself to deserve love, only to unlearn the idea that you were ever something that needed fixing.

    You asked if others have felt unworthy of love — I have. For a long time. And I didn’t start believing otherwise until I realized that the criticism I grew up with wasn’t a reflection of who I was, but of what the adult around me (my mother) couldn’t handle in herself. I was carrying her shame (not mine) without even knowing it. It sounds like you’ve been carrying something similar, and none of it was ever yours to hold.

    If you want to explore any of this more or just need a place where your feelings aren’t ‘too much,’ I’m here.

    🌿💛🌿 Anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 6,572 total)