Dear Alessa, my friend:

I hope that you got your medications by this time..???

I am having a tough time myself. Last night I destroyed my computer when I allowed Bogart to sit by me and move things around and then I spilled something on the computer, I don’t know how much money a new one will cost. So, I am feeling an increase in anxiety.

“Blue is my favourite colour.”- 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵 🩵

Anita

Hey Confused:

“How does empathy for yourself feel like? I wonder..”- same as empathy for another person, only it’s directed to yourself.

Or here’s another answer (it may or may not work for you), you wrote earlier about your mother: “To be fair, she would call me nice words, expressing her love to me, hug me, kiss me as well, it wasn’t always fighting and negatives, a mix of everything really.”-

Continue the positive work in the mix, say nice words to yourself, express your love to you, and discontinue the negative part (no more fighting within, if there is any, apply calm and patience to yourself.

“I feel innocence and being carefree from future struggles, freedom in a way.”- can you elaborate on this?

“I would tell him to slow down and put himself first probably.”- Yes, tell him that every day 🤍

🤍 Anita

Dear Alessa:

I just read for the first time what you posted half an hour ago. I am so sorry you are having a flare up (I wonder what kind.. physical, PTSD..?). I am thinking of you too. Please do your best to take care of yourself at this time.

🩵🩵🩵 Anita

Re-submitting without the part I forgot to delete (part of your post to which I responded):

Dear James:

Seeing your 😂😂😂 brought the first smile to my face today. Sincerely, I am glad that you were at least entertained by my study, and that you laughed loudly! I hope you laugh out loud many more times, it’s healthy for you!

(I am Anita, by the way, not Alessa)

Some of what you wrote over time (much of it I quoted before, here on your thread) has been helpful and illuminating for me. I want to go back and read those quotes. I thank you for these.

Anita

Hi Squiggly Pop:

I was thinking along the lines of what Alessa wrote (before I read her reply). There is something safe in an unlived romance (post the vacation romance): you can experience the love, the longing without the risk of real-life challenges.

Limerence often happens in a space where the connection is imagined, idealized, or limited. Because of that: there are no real-life conflicts, no disagreements, no mismatched habits, no awkward conversations.

The other person stays perfect in your mind. You’re responding to an idealized version of them, not the full, complicated human.

And you control the narrative- your mind fills in the gaps with what feels good, comforting, or exciting. You don’t have to reveal your flaws, needs, or fears in the way you would in an actual relationship.

In that sense, limerent love can feel safer than real love because it exists in a protected mental space where nothing challenges it.

It’s emotionally safe in the way a daydream is safe: nothing can hurt you there. But it also means: it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t deepen, it doesn’t get tested, and it doesn’t become mutual intimacy.

It’s like holding a beautiful glass sculpture—untouched, untested, and unbroken because it never really leaves the shelf.

Real love involves negotiation, disappointment, repair, shared responsibility, and mutual vulnerability.

Limerence is more like a spark that doesn’t have to face the wind.

I’ll end this post the same way Alessa ended hers: What do you think?

Anita

Hey, Confused:

It’s very nice of you to have forgiven her. I just don’t want you to.. Confuse forgiveness with acceptance of the abuse she inflicted on you, as in you have deserved it. because you didn’t deserve e it, and no matter how difficult her life has been (and I wish it hadn’t), it didn’t give her the.. what’s the word, permission or.. moral right to hurt you.

Empathy for her is okay, it’s just that you deserve empathy for yourself.

🤍 Anita

Hello Everyone:

* I am adding this after completing this long post. This is a study I did today and I thought it might be interesting for others to read and comment on, if you’d like to.

James: “Drugs accumulated calcium in my vein.”- No: Calcium buildup in arteries is real. Calcium buildup in veins is extremely rare. Veins almost never calcify. And recreational drugs — psychedelics, cocaine, heroin, MDMA, ketamine, meth, cannabis — do not cause calcium deposits.

“clot happened by itself and wasn’t related to anything.”- clots can occur independently of calcification or drugs, but if a patient has a history of drug use, a heart emergency, a clot discovered during surgery.. it would be very unusual for a doctor to confidently say: “This clot definitely had nothing to do with drugs.”

“According to doctors, if I never used drugs, the clot would explode and I would be dead.”- Doctors don’t talk like that. Doctors don’t use the word “explode” for clots. “explode” is not a medical term and doesn’t describe how clots behave. Clots don’t burst like balloons. They break loose and move. Maybe you misunderstand a doctor, or you’re retelling it in a more dramatic language

“İ was doing so much drugs and that’s what one of the biggest reason for my heart surgery”, “I did 10 gr dried ploycibin cubensis with lemon take and 5 Meo DMT with ultra high dosages)”-

A standard recreational dose of the first is 2–3.5 g (creating a strong psychedelic experience), 5 g is considered a “Heroic dose” (term by Terence McKenna), causing an extremely intense, overwhelming psychedelic experience.

10 grams dried is not a common amount. It’s not even a “high” amount. It’s 3–5 times a typical recreational dose, double a “heroic dose”, and far above anything used in clinical trials. It is considered an extreme or dangerous dose in harm‑reduction circles, an extreme outlier (far outside the normal range).

Most people would never take this much because the psychological intensity can be overwhelming, the physical effects (blood pressure, heart rate) can spike, and the risk of panic, confusion, or dangerous behavior increases: the experience can be traumatic rather than insightful.

As to the second, 5‑MeO‑DMT, “ultra high dosages” were consumed.

5‑MeO‑DMT is not like psilocybin or LSD. It has a much steeper dose‑response curve, much stronger physical effects, a much higher risk of losing consciousness and of dangerous behavior or injury. A small increase in dose can produce a massive increase in intensity. This is why harm‑reduction communities describe high doses as unpredictable and potentially dangerous.

5‑MeO‑DMT is extremely potent, and high doses can cause rapid heart rate, sharp blood pressure spikes, irregular heartbeat (arrhythmias), hyperventilation or breath‑holding, muscle rigidity or shaking, nausea or vomiting. These effects can be dangerous for anyone, but especially for people with congenital heart defects, high blood pressure, arrhythmias, and cardiovascular disease.

Other affects of this drug in high doses: panic, a total loss of body awareness, an inability to control movement, blackouts or loss of consciousness, and a complete loss of sense of self (“ego dissolution”).

About “ego dissolution”: in everyday life, you feel: “I am me.”, “I am inside my body.”, “My thoughts belong to me.”, “I am separate from the world.”

Ego dissolution is when that sense temporarily breaks down. People often describe it as feeling merged with everything, losing the boundary between “self” and “world”, thoughts happening without a sense of “I”, no distinction between observer and experience, a sense of being “pure awareness” rather than a person

It’s not the same as confusion or psychosis — it’s more like the structure of selfhood temporarily dissolves. This can feel
peaceful, overwhelming, frightening, or profound. It depends on the person and the context.

About “loss of body awareness”- Normally, you feel: where your arms and legs are, the weight of your body, your breathing, your position in space. At very high doses, people feel like having no body, floating, being disembodied, being a point of consciousness, being everywhere and nowhere, not knowing where your limbs are, not feeling physical sensations. This is because the brain regions that integrate sensory input and body awareness become disrupted or overwhelmed.

At high doses, these disruptions become so strong that the usual sense of “I exist as a body in space” collapses.

5‑MeO‑DMT is known for producing these effects more intensely than many other psychedelics.

In simple terms:

Ego dissolution = losing the sense of “I am a separate person.”

Loss of body awareness = losing the sense of having a physical body.

Both are temporary states caused by extreme disruption of normal brain networks.

Referring to the title of this thread, are these Real Spirituality experiences?

Ego dissolution (losing the sense of “I”), feeling merged with everything, etc.… are interpreted in very different ways by different people.

There are three common interpretations:

A. Spiritual interpretation- Some people describe these states as mystical, sacred, transcendent, encounters with “oneness”, and contact with something larger than themselves. This is why psychedelics have been used in spiritual and ceremonial contexts for thousands of years.

B. Psychological interpretation- Others see them as temporary changes in brain networks, a chemically induced shift in perception and awareness. No supernatural meaning — just a different mode of consciousness. Neuroscience shows that psychedelics temporarily quiet the part of the brain that creates your sense of self and keeps track of your body. When that system goes offline, you can feel like “I” has disappeared, etc.

C. Neutral or frightening interpretation- Some people find the experience overwhelming, confusing, terrifying, and disorienting. People in this category (those who initially find the experience frightening, overwhelming, or confusing) can later interpret the experience as spiritual. When someone is in the middle of a very intense psychedelic state — especially one involving ego dissolution or loss of body awareness — the immediate reaction can be: “This is too much.”, “I’m losing control.”, “I’m dying.”, “This is terrifying.” But once the experience ends and the person returns to normal consciousness, a shift can happen hours, days, or even months later: as the brain tries to make sense of intense experiences, a person may reinterpret the experience as meaningful, transformative, and spiritual.

A frightening or chaotic experience can later be reframed as a breakthrough, a confrontation with the self, a symbolic death and rebirth, a spiritual awakening.

Many people who initially have a terrifying or confusing psychedelic experience later describe it as “the most important experience of my life”, “a spiritual awakening”, “a confrontation with my ego”, “a message from the universe”, “a turning point”. So, even when the acute psychedelic effects — visuals, distortions, ego dissolution — do not continue once the substance is metabolized, the meaning of the experience can stay (Category A) or reinterpreted (Category C).

People can have the same psychedelic experience and come away with opposite conclusions: one becomes spiritual, another becomes nihilistic, another becomes anxious, and yet, another- grateful. The drug doesn’t choose the meaning — the person does.

If someone already had cracks in their worldview, psychedelics can widen them. If a person was already depressed, hopeless, distrustful, had existential anxiety.. a massive psychedelic experience can amplify those feelings instead of healing them. This can lead to a worldview like: “Nothing matters. Everything is pointless.”

Psychedelics open the door — but the person decides what the experience means.

Personally, I never did psychedelics and never will.. !

Thank you, James, for this learning experience.

Anita

Hey, Confused: She should have never, ever, never called you “retard, moron”, or a “nothing”, not a single time!

“To be fair, she would call me nice words”- no, it doesn’t make it fair.

My mother too said nice things- in-between the hateful things she said. All it did was to confuse me.

There’s no “equal time” for hate/abuse, as in neutralizing the hate/ abuse with nice words.

Anita