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June 22, 2026 at 1:19 pm #458827
anitaParticipantSounds like you really do need some deep rest. Put yourself first, Robi. What you need, what you feel IS important! I hope to read from you after you rest!
June 22, 2026 at 11:11 am #458822
anitaParticipantGood to read back from you so soon, Robi. I am fine, still working on my own healing every day, and that gives me a sense of meaning, plus I feel better inside, much, much better.
It makes sense to me that you don’t feel like connecting to her: bad feelings are attached to the connection. I am guessing there’ll either be a repair (and reconnecting to good feelings) or… staying away from her?
Anita
June 22, 2026 at 10:09 am #458820
anitaParticipantDear Robi:
As I was reading and studying your earliest thread (“My story and my search for answers”, June 8, 2018- July 4, 2018, age 25) and part of the second, I came across a term called Identity Diffusion which may have applied to you back in 2018 and maybe still. It definitely applied to me for the great majority of my life.
Identity diffusion means the person doesn’t have a consistent sense of who they are across time, they feel like different people in different situations and their view of others swings between idealization and devaluation. This creates a self that feels fragmented, inconsistent, or hollow, especially under stress.
Identity diffusion forms when early caregivers were intrusive, inconsistent, emotionally absent, frightening, and/ or unpredictable, and it leads to unstable relationships, shifting self‑image, intense emotions that feel unmanageable, idealizing then devaluing others, feeling empty or unreal, and difficulty making decisions or commitments
It’s the adult expression of a childhood where the child had to ADAPT to the emotional environment instead of DEVELOPING an inner center. The child grows up without enough emotional space to develop an inner center, suppressing their own preferences, feelings, and impulses because expressing them either doesn’t matter or creates conflict. Over time, the child oriented around the parent’s moods, expectations, and needs, building a self that is externally shaped rather than internally rooted.
This produces an adult who feels blank, indecisive, easily overwhelmed, and dependent on relationships or external structure to feel real, shifting identity depending on who the person is with, mistaking intensity for connection, and collapsing when alone because there is no stable inner “me” to return to.
Identity diffusion feels like blankness when someone asks what you want, fog when you try to make decisions, and collapse when you’re alone. You might feel intensely connected to someone one day and disconnected the next. There’s a constant sense of being pulled by external forces — partners, expectations, moods, fantasies.
Identity diffusion shows up in relationships as a kind of shapelessness — a person who becomes whoever the relationship needs, then collapses when the role becomes too heavy. It looks like shifting preferences, values, or desires depending on the other person. It shows up as clinging when alone and avoidance when intimacy gets too close, because both closeness and distance feel destabilizing when there’s no inner center.
It creates cycles of idealizing a partner, then feeling suffocated, then feeling guilty, then feeling empty — not because the partner changed, but because the person’s internal structure is too thin to hold steady. It also shows up as romantic over‑investment after minimal connection, or sudden doubt and emotional numbness once the initial intensity fades.
The above, Robi, is general information. Does it resonate?
Anita
June 21, 2026 at 9:49 pm #458808
anitaParticipantCopilot: “… his nervous system is constantly scanning for the possibility of losing her or being lost by her… It’s a trauma‑shaped pattern where love and danger are fused… It’s the mind of someone who learned early that attachment = threat, and now every external story of tragedy becomes a mirror for his own fear.
His attachment system links love with loss because, in his early environment, love was never stable — it was always paired with threat, unpredictability, or emotional disappearance. When a child grows up in a setting where connection is inconsistent, overwhelming, or unsafe, the nervous system learns a single rule: “If I love someone, I might lose them.” … It’s anticipatory grief, a trauma‑shaped reflex where the body tries to prepare for loss before it happens.
This is why he imagines her reaction to his death or imagines losing her when he sees someone else’s tragedy: his system equates closeness with danger, so love automatically triggers fear. It’s not about her; it’s about the old wound that taught him love is something that can vanish at any moment.”
June 21, 2026 at 9:15 pm #458807
anitaParticipant… Lella?
June 21, 2026 at 9:07 pm #458806
anitaParticipantHow are you, Kris?
June 21, 2026 at 9:03 pm #458805
anitaParticipantDear Robi:
By this time I imagine you sent her a message? If you did, did she reply?
And today, you’re supposed to resume talking with your girlfriend- did you?
I wonder what it is that kept the two of you together all this time..?
The Shakespearian quote just came to my mind: “To thine own self be true, and if follows like (I’m paraphrasing here) night follows day, you will be true to everyone else.
I hope to read from you soon.
By the way, I liked 🙂 the visual of Robi transferring wine from a barrel through a small hose just so to have a 🍷
Anita
June 21, 2026 at 8:42 pm #458804
anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
“Something is missing”- is it 100% passion for life, 100% excitement that’s missing?
I know what you mean when you say “honesty can hurt”. Honesty isn’t really confessing every thought and every feeling (or lack of feeling) that you experience. There needs to be discernment- that’s part of loving someone.
Why do you think you pressure yourself to be perfect?
“Danmn brain”- funny Confused 🙂
The grim scenarios.. I wonder what Copilot would say about it. I’ll ask him when I get on the computer.
I hope you keep taking the med, I think it’s working and that you are making progress 👏👏👏
Anita
June 21, 2026 at 6:52 pm #458801
anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
She got emotionally very attached to you- even though she has difficulty trusting people- because (I figure), she can tell that you are the bee’s knees when it comes to a man being honest with her and caring for her and about her.
Her trust doesn’t mean that it is possible for you to be perfect. No human can be perfect and never hurt another person unintentionally- not even a bee’s-knees-human aka Confused!
Another thing that nor human nor bee can do is feel good 🥳 all of the time. Or even close to all of the time.
🌿🎶✨️ Anita
June 21, 2026 at 3:09 pm #458800
anitaParticipantHey 🐝’s🦵- I’ll answer in a few hours, just not focused now 🙂
June 21, 2026 at 11:41 am #458797
anitaParticipant* great idea
June 21, 2026 at 11:40 am #458796
anitaParticipantHey Dear Robi 🙂
I am sure that you upgraded Alicante by being- working there (I really think so, I am not saying this just to make you feel good)!
I think it’s a grat idea to open up to her in a message tonight: it’ll give her time to respond from a calmer mindset.
Anita
June 21, 2026 at 7:51 am #458793
anitaParticipantDear Robi:
“I might just tell her I feel attracted to her and see what’s what. I feel I have no more space for playing things cool or anything like that. Some simple honesty feels alright these days.”-
I like this very much! Some Simple Honesty (SSH) may huSSH.. the pissed-off Robi. SSH with everyone, particularly with yourself ✨🤍✨
Café del Mar- WOW! If I ever get to Spain, I am going there! I remember that you told me you worked in a cafe in Spain and I think it was on the beach.. was it this place?
🌿Anita
June 21, 2026 at 7:20 am #458792
anitaParticipantGood Sunday morning, Confused 🙂
WOW! What a delight to read this update!
She seems very much emotionally- attached to you, and getting even more attached.
You did an excellent job communicating with her and soothing her anxiety. You are indeed the bee’s knees, Confused!
“Yes, yesterday during the videocall (which was again 8 hours almost and we had fun) … still expect my ‘feelings’ to be around all the time and me wanting to spend every moment with her… The thing now is why did I lose the ‘rush’ to videocall tonight with her again? It’s so annoying that it lasts only for a brief period of time..”-
I am confused 🙂, you mean that “8 hours almost” of fun = “a brief period of time”?
Anita
June 20, 2026 at 8:50 pm #458783
anitaParticipantUnloved, Invisible, Alone; chronically ashamed, guilty, self- doubting, tormented inside, distressed:
Ohhh.. wow, what a life!
Like living in a pressure cooker of mental- emotional distress.
And what a relief to be healing these days faster than ever, finally breaking through walls.
Totally worth it even though I am no longer young, even though it took so long.
🌿 Anita
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