Hey Confused:

A definition of “confused”: mixed together in a way that makes things unclear.

What’s mixed in? In two days (Dec 19-20), you listed a lot of things mixed together:

“Dissociating, being numb to everything, depressed,” + “constant rumination for my feelings”+ “the uncertainty of the relationship that someone has to move somewhere (possibly me) and the and the fear of abandonment (I am disorganized attached)+… (+) stress (of) taking the trip to meet this girl…+ “There was a conversation though that I didn’t feel very good about at the time. She asked me if I would be able to live in another country… she would consider moving to my country as much as I would consider moving to hers” (Dec 20)

On Dec 19, you shared: “the relationship with my mother was very chaotic, violence and arguing constantly, throwing some awkward affection here and there, then rinse and repeat. I can’t remember if I was dissociating when I was a kid, definitely trying to escape in imaginary worlds and games though”-

Confused, what if this girl has been your adult “imaginary world” of escape, feeling “madly in love… head over heels, thinking of her constantly, feeling great while doing so, feeling content and connected.” (Dec 19-20)?

After all, these madly-in-love feelings took place before you met her for the first (and only) time, and they were gone a short time before that visit when the idea of the relationship was becoming real, as in real-life (the idea of visiting her and moving countries so to be with her took hold).

“The dreams, the plans” you mentioned today (Jan 15), those were what you escaped to. But with the first taste of real-life (planning a real-life visit, talking about a real-life move to her country), you lost this madly-in-love escape route…is what I’m thinking this morning.

 🤍 Anita

Thinking about you, Adalie. I hope 🙏 that life gets better for you!

🙏 🤍 Anita

Lose a feeling you once had? You already lost that euphoric, “in love” feeling, right?

So, what is there still to lose?

You don’t know why the rumination happens? No idea 😳 ?

Hey Confused:

I want to elaborate on the above two messages in general terms: in psychological research, RUMNATION means getting stuck in repetitive, looping thoughts — often about a relationship, a mistake, or a fear. It’s replaying conversations, imagining worst‑case scenarios, trying to “solve” feelings by thinking harder and feeling unable to stop the mental loop.

This style of thinking is strongly associated with feeling depressed, anxious, and hopeless over time. It’s not the topic of the rumination that causes the emotional pain — it’s the looping, the “thinking about the thinking,” that keeps the mood low.

The more you struggle inside the rumination, the deeper it pulls you. Interrupting it isn’t about “thinking harder,” it’s about shifting modes. Grounding techniques help because they shift the brain out of “thinking mode” and into “experiencing mode.”

There’s a general psychological idea that when someone is stuck in rumination, bringing attention back to the present moment (experiencing mode) — through sight 👀 🌈, sound 👂🎵, touch ✋🧸, movement🚶🌀 — can interrupt the mental loop.

Common sensory grounding approaches include * Seeing- naming five things you can see, noticing colors, shapes, shadows, looking out a window and observing movement.
* Hearing- listening to sounds, noticing the rhythm of your breath.
* Touching- holding something textured (fabric, stone, warm mug), feeling your feet on the floor, running your hands under warm or cool water
* Movement- stretching, walking, yoga, Tai Chi, slow, deliberate breathing, and more.

How are you feeling today, Confused?

🤍 Anita

* Something to say.