Hey Dear 🌙🦉 Confused:

It’s normal to have the urge to back off when sensing rejection, especially when you sense rejection from a person you felt so close to.

You and I have this in common: growing up in an environment where closeness was unsafe: couldn’t trust it to extend from one moment to the next, when at any moment, or day, or week it could be reversed, and reversed terribly.

So, as an adult, you expect the same of what you grew up with. Not consciously, but the body remembers even when your mind forgets.

😔 🐔 Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

“Nothing touches me anymore” because too much touched you, too much still touching you ( the fear she’ll leave you, the fear of losing that beautiful connection)?

😢🐔🤔 (no new emojis 😔) Anita

Dear Harry:

Above, on Nov 29, 2016, you wrote to me:

“Thank you, Anita. I did not post in the appreciation section, but what you do here really makes a difference. It’s like a type of therapy and connection.”

My response on the same day: “You are welcome, gracious Harry.”, and then dived into analysis and guidance.

On Dec 27, 2016, on your other thread (“Why do anything”), you wrote to me:

“Hi. Anita. Honestly, you are a wonderful person. I am happy I came here. It’s great connecting with you here. Who knows, maybe I might have the honor of bumping into you one day”

In my response there, on that same day, there was no acknowledgment at all of the warmth you expressed. My response dived straight into guidance:

“Dear Harry: How to spend your time wisely? One or more of the following: 1. Attend one-to-one competent psychotherapy. 2. Attend competent group psychotherapy… 7. Attend a public speaking or acting class. anita”

These past exchanges teach me today how uncomfortable and unsafe I have been with emotional closeness and how safer I felt with emotional distance, shifting quickly to analyzing, guiding, taking on the teacher- helper role. That’s a childhood survival adaptation that continued into most of my adulthood.

I want to explore this later.

Anita

Hey 👋 Confused:

“Our special thing”- ohhh ❤️💛

You say that rumination is the only thing that ties you to her now-

So, you really, really want to be tied to her, and you’ll do whatever it takes to stay tied or connected to her (rumination, at this time)

Even though ruminating is uncomfortable and distressing, you’ll keep doing that if it’s the only way to stay tied to her.

My goodness, you do love her even when you can’t FEEL the love ❤️💛

“Do people feel like this and then feel love again?”- Maybe your relationship with your own emotions can change and then things will get better.

The more you try to force yourself to feel, the more your feelings will sort of rebel.

Give your feelings SPACE. They may be suffocated simply because you don’t give them the space they need.

🐔🦉🐕 Anita

Confused: “I want the connection back”

Maybe if you stop wanting it back, maybe it will come back.

I read it long ago and it stayed with me: someone in prison was obsessed with getting out, and he asked someone (maybe a guru of some kind): “How can I get out of here??? How can I be free???”

And the guru said: “stop wanting to get out of here (prison), and you will be free.”

When you keep wanting to feel what you felt pre- Nov, that keeps you stuck. But if you grieve pre- Nov and let it go, a new freedom might emerge.

What thinks Confused?

🌿 🎶 🌴 Anita

Glad you’re doing okay, Zenith 🙂. Oh yes, it was a disaster. But not the last: last night I found my prescribed sleep-aid pills on the floor, full of spit and the container chewed.

I was terrified for his health, not knowing if he swallowed any of the pills or how many. It was 9 or 10 pm. I was also so angry at him that I used a profanity directed at him: strange how unlike it is for me, actually, I never used that word and couldn’t even imagine using it, and yet, it felt so natural last night.

The good news is that he seems fine, no symptoms of anything wrong and I slept on a clean bed last night after 3 nights on the floor. It’s the little things I’m grateful for 🙂

Anita

Good morning, Confused:

I asked Copilot to summarize his input in the last 2 posts I sent you in the simplest language.

Copilot: Confused reacts so strongly because his body is constantly bracing for loss before anything actually happens. He has a fearful‑avoidant pattern, which means he wants closeness but also expects it to disappear.

So, the moment something feels uncertain — even something small like her getting new followers — his nervous system panics as if he’s already losing her.

This isn’t a thought process; it’s automatic. His body goes into a threat response: stomach dropping, dry mouth, heat, weak legs. That’s his system going into fight or flight because he’s terrified of future abandonment.

When he shuts down, overthinks, doubts his feelings, or pulls away, it’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because he’s trying to protect himself from a loss he feels coming, even when nothing is actually wrong. Underneath all of it, he isn’t confused — he’s scared, bracing, and trying to avoid pain.”

Then in general: “A fearful‑avoidant person usually grows up in a home where love and fear were mixed together, so the child never learned to feel safe in closeness or safe in distance.

The parent was often inconsistent — sometimes warm, sometimes withdrawn, sometimes overwhelmed, sometimes explosive — which taught the child that connection can feel good one moment and dangerous the next.

Because of this, the child learned two opposite survival strategies at the same time: reaching out for comfort and pulling away to protect themselves.

Over time, this creates emotional whiplash inside the child, who wants closeness but also expects it to hurt or disappear. Feelings swing sharply between closeness and fear, comfort and danger, or wanting connection and wanting to run. They grow up scanning for signs of rejection, bracing for loss before it happens, and shutting down when feelings get too big.

Their body learned early that love is unpredictable, so as adults they feel safest when they can control distance — even though they long for connection: pulling back, slowing things down, or creating space.

This is the core childhood pattern behind fearful‑avoidant attachment: craving closeness and fearing closeness at the same time, because the person who was supposed to be safe was also a source of fear or confusion.”

Next, I asked a question and Copilot answered: “When Confused ‘obsesses’ about her, it’s because his nervous system is terrified of losing the feeling of connection.

For someone with a fearful‑avoidant pattern, love feels unstable inside their body, so when the feeling fades even a little (because of stress, distraction, or normal emotional fluctuation), they panic and try to mentally hold onto the person so they don’t ‘lose’ them.

The fear is about forgetting the feeling of safety he gets from her. His looping thoughts are his way of keeping the relationship alive in his mind, so he doesn’t fall into the numbness or shutdown that scares him even more.

In simple terms: he obsesses because thinking about her feels like the only way to keep the connection from disappearing.”