I suppose thinking in a new way is always difficult. When we are in the habit of thinking a certain way, we simply keep thinking 🤔 in the same way (habit).

I just came back from a walk 🚶‍♀️ with Bogart the Beagle 🐕 and about to go on a walk on my own.

🚶‍♀️🙂🤍 Anita

Yes, it’s hard to no longer pressure yourself until it gets easy. It’s about changing a mental habit. Habits are hard to change. But it’s possible, if you have faith in the process of change 🙏.

I’ll be away for a little while (I have to walk because it’s a habit 🙂 )

Well, Dear Confused:

Yes, your feelings will come back. A no-pressure, no self-blame environment (in-between your two ears) will make it happen!

People saying “it’s a choice”, meaning it’s a choice to love someone (and yourself)? This is true only when it comes to words and actions, not to feelings. You can still love someone- and yourself (!) without feeling it (I’m using the computer at the moment so no emojis show up like they do on my phone 🙁 (this one is yours).

Trigger Warning

Dear Lulu:

From what you shared, your boyfriend’s father forced him to undress, hosed him down while he was naked, and made sexualized comments to him as a child. Even if no sexual act happened, these behaviors crossed his physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries.

Being made to be naked against a child’s will is frightening, confusing, and deeply shaming. It can leave someone with lifelong fear around being touched, being seen naked, or being in situations that feel vulnerable. These reactions can be just as intense as those of someone who went through overt sexual assault.

I understand some of this because my mother continued to shower me when I was already an adolescent. I remember feeling ashamed, trying to cover myself, feeling scared, and only feeling safe again once I was dressed. For a child or teen, being forced to be naked in front of a parent is a loss of privacy and control. The body reacts to that as a threat — not a threat of violence, but a threat to dignity and safety.

The nervous system learns: “My boundaries don’t matter. I can’t protect myself.”

Your boyfriend’s reactions today seem connected to that loss of control. You described how being around his father triggers shaking, headaches, shutting down, crying, and needing to isolate. These are fear responses, even if he doesn’t consciously remember why. The body often remembers old violations long before the mind can make sense of them.

The most accurate way to describe this is that his father’s forced nudity and humiliation created deep fear, shame, and powerlessness that his body still reacts to today. Even if nothing sexual happened, his father violated his boundaries in ways that affected his sense of safety, privacy, and autonomy.

Being forced to be naked or controlled in that way can damage trust, self‑worth, and the ability to feel safe in one’s own body. These wounds last into adulthood.

His father’s actions created emotional danger even without sexual intent. That’s why his body reacts so strongly now. His father didn’t need to touch him sexually to cause serious harm — the emotional and bodily violations were damaging on their own.

What do you think, Lulu, about my two responses yesterday and today?

🤍Anita

* I just noticed I addressed you as “Dear”, I hope it’s okay (young people don’t do “dear”, right)?

Not a problem, Martha 🙂. You can go to FORUMS at the top of the page, then scroll down to ALL FORUMS, then choose a category (example: Emotional Mastery”), click it and scroll down to the space where you choose the title of your thread and the content.

I’m looking forward to reading from you and chatting in your own thread 🙂. Anita

🤍Anita

* I will soon be away from the computer/phone for some time. Will post the 2nd part when I am back 🙂

Dear Lulu:

From everything you shared in your previous July 10,2025 thread (“Think my boyfriend experienced child sexual abuse, but he doesn’t remember any”), and what you shared here almost 7 months later, your boyfriend is dealing with very real emotional wounds from his childhood, even if he doesn’t have clear memories of a lot that happened.

His reactions — shutting down, shaking, crying, feeling dread, zoning out, needing a shower, forgetting large parts of his childhood- these are common trauma responses, especially when someone doesn’t have clear memories. The body remembers sensations and danger even when the mind can’t. This show that something in his past created a strong fear response, something was frightening or overwhelming for him.

* The combination of memory loss + intense body reactions is indication of trauma and unprocessed fear.

His father’s behavior was unpredictable and emotionally unsafe, and some of the things he remembers — being humiliated, being hosed down naked, hearing sexualized comments as a child — would be deeply confusing and distressing for anyone. Even without knowing the full story, it makes sense that his body reacts strongly around his father and that he feels physical pain or panic after spending time with him.

What he does remember in regard to his father is emotional and physical abuse which include Boundary Violations. That alone can create lifelong fear and confusion. (I will elaborate on the Boundary Violations in the next post).

The movie scene you described triggered something that was already there in him. His body reacted before he could understand why, which is common when someone has old, unprocessed fear.

On top of that, his high‑school friend group normalized sexual jokes, minimized harm, and ignored boundaries. That environment made things even harder for him, especially since he and his childhood friend both had their own trauma. Leaving that group was a big step toward protecting himself.

Now that he’s in therapy, he’s starting to see how much he tolerated in the past and how much he wants to live differently. It also makes sense that he struggles to trust men right now and feels disgusted with things he once went along with. He’s trying to grow, and that process can feel lonely and painful.

You’ve been trying to support him without pushing him, and that matters. You’re not responsible for solving his past or figuring out what happened — that’s something he’ll work through with a professional. What he needs most is exactly what you’re already trying to give: steadiness, patience, and space to heal at his own pace.

Try to gently encourage him to continue therapy (not in an urgent tone), to not push him to remember things or interpret his reactions for him, and instead, continue to offer him calm presence. Let him set the pace, and most importantly, take care of your own emotional wellbeing too.

(to be continued), Anita