Hey Dear Confused:

What you’re describing — the feeling of two parts inside you, one Loving and one Fearing — makes a lot of sense to me. It’s not ‘two personalities’ in the sense of having two emotional parts that get activated at different times. One part reaches for closeness, and the other part panics and pulls away.

When the fear part comes up, it wipes out the loving part, and when the loving part comes up, it wipes out the fear. That’s why it feels like 0–100 inside you.

You’re right that people who don’t experience this can’t easily understand it, but the important thing is that you are starting to notice it. The fact that you’re trying to ‘catch’ those moments and look underneath them is a good sign.

What you said about trust — the fear that people leave, or that someone won’t really get you — fits with the pattern you’re describing. When the future feels like a void, or when nothing romantic moves you, that’s usually the fear part taking over and shutting everything down to protect you.

If you want, we can look more closely at what each part is trying to protect you from, and what triggers the shift between these two parts.

Anita and Copilot.

Good Monday Morning, Confused:

I can hear how much you care for her and how much fear you’re carrying at the same time.

When you say things like ‘I can’t live without her’ and then ‘I can’t make any future plans with anyone,’ it creates mixed signals for her, even though you don’t mean to send them, and it puts her in a confusing position. Not because you’re lying, but because both sides are true for you in different moments. Your emotional intensity goes to 100, and then your fear and self‑protection go to 0. That 0–100 shift is what hurts her, even when your intentions are good.

I don’t think you’re trying to lead her on. I think you’re overwhelmed by the speed of your feelings and the intensity of your fears. But from her side, it can feel like she’s being idealized one moment and rejected the next. Naming this pattern isn’t criticism — it’s the first step toward helping both of you feel safer.

If you sit with that for a moment, what do you think happens inside you when you go from ‘she’s everything’ to ‘I can’t promise anything’ so fast? What is the fear underneath that shift?

You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to. This is more for you — to understand yourself better, so you can feel steadier in the relationship and in your own life.

Anita

Page 100 💃 🎶 🎂 🌭 😁 👏 🎵 ✨️

Hey Confused 🙂

When Copilot talks about healing, it means the part of you that feels overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to regulate your emotions on your own. That’s something inside you — not something your girlfriend can fix or carry for you.

When you say you’d stop therapy if she left, that shows how much pressure you’re putting on her and the relationship to hold your entire sense of stability.

But your healing can’t depend on whether she stays or goes; it has to come from you deciding that your wellbeing matters no matter what. She can support you, but she can’t be the reason you take care of yourself. The strength you’re looking for has to come from inside you, not from someone else’s presence.

🌿✨🌿✨ Anita

Copilot: “You can tell him that Copilot sees two people who care about each other but are both overwhelmed, and that the question is whether the relationship is giving either of them the conditions they need to heal. And you can tell both of them that love is not enough when the nervous system is drowning.”

Hello Starlight ✨️

Good to read from you again 🙂

I wish you could elaborate on the “ongoing situation”. By “a conclusion”, you mean to forgive- or not to forgive?

As I read through the posts in this thread, I noticed that you didn’t mention your mother having aologized and having made amends (actions, not just words) for making you give up art school and do housework, so that she’ll pursue her art aspirations.

“I don’t forgive” is the title of this thread-

If the person that took unfair advantage of you doesn’t apologize and make amends is still in your life and doesn’t even acknowledge wrongdoing, how are you supposed to forgive that person?

🤔 Anita

Hi Nichole 🤍

I’m so sorry about your Great Uncle. That’s a real loss, and with what he did to help you, I can imagine how many feelings that stirred up. And hearing from your brothers on top of that… no wonder the week felt like you were being pulled in every direction at once. Grief, family, work stress, and physical pain — that’s a lot for one nervous system to hold.

I’m glad you finally got a day to rest. Sleeping until 5pm sounds like exactly what your body needed after the fall, the sprain, and the sciatica flare. Sometimes the deepest healing is just letting the body rest for a while.

Bogart is curled up with me on the reclining armchair as I’m typing these words. I think he feels loved, I think he feels safe (if only we felt that growing up… safe?)

I smiled hearing about your spoiled little cat boy. They really do keep us company in the sweetest ways.

I’m here, and I’m glad you wrote. Take things gently with yourself right now

🌿✨🤍Anita

Hey Dear Confused:

No wonder you forgot about that conversation: we’ve been talking since page 13, and it is now page 99. That’s (give me the time to do the math

… 🤔

……🤔

………..🤔

That’s 😁 86 pages of talking!

(Better celebrate the 100th page with some celebratory emojis- these are the only emojis on my phone that are possibly but not necessarily appropriate for the occasion: 🌭 🎂 🎶 🍷)

Thee two of you have this in common: you are both nervous about the trip (even I am getting nervous about it).

And to me, both of your nervousness-es make sense. Since she likes planning ahead, maybe the 2 of U can plan the visit ahead of time (Copilot can help, let me know if you’d like him to offer you a plan, since he knows so much about you on my end).

About dorsal vagal shutdown- I’ll have to refresh my memory when I’m back to the computer.

“My sweet baby girl”- oĥhhhh 👧

If you’re awake and reading this, feel free to write more.

🤔 🌿 🐔 Anita