Dear Tee:

“Walking uphill does indeed strengthen the thigh muscles, however there is a trade-off there, since climbing high mountains puts the strain on the cartilage too. And since you said you might be suffering from an early-stage osteoarthritis, I wouldn’t recommend causing unnecessary stress on your potentially sensitive knees.”-

Sadly, for me, Copilot agrees with you wholeheartedly (I know, heart.. 😂): “Benefits vs. Risks- Benefit: Uphill walking strengthens quadriceps and glutes, which help stabilize the knee and reduce long-term risk of injury. Risk: For people with early osteoarthritis, the added stress may accelerate cartilage wear, worsen pain, or trigger flare-ups… Practical Advice-
* Stick to flat or low-incline walking if you have sensitive knees, * Use low-impact alternatives like cycling, swimming, or elliptical training to build strength without stressing cartilage, * If uphill walking is unavoidable, shorter climbs, slower pace, and trekking poles can reduce knee strain.”-

Now I know 😢. Thank you, Tee.

“I really have empathy for everyone with arthritis, and if you’re lucky to be only in the early stages (where further damage is preventable), I’d definitely recommend to be careful: so mild hills yes, but tall mountains no 😊”- just what Copilot said!

“Yess! Lots of love and acceptance for yourself – that’s the name of the new game 😊 ❤️”- Love and Acceptance for myself. Lots 😊 ❤️

“Well, I’ve experienced some of the things you have (though to a lesser extent), and so yes, I was ‘there’ in a way, meaning in a similar dynamic, experiencing some of the same wounding. And I’ve also learned a lot about the subject, read other people’s testimonies etc.

“So yeah, I know a thing or two about it.. not that I’m glad about it, but it does come handy now 🙂 In any case, I’m glad you feel heard and validated ❤️”-

Yes, indeed, Tee knows a lot about it 😊, AND you are able to articulate and explain it all better than anyone I’ve ever come across in my whole life, a few therapists included.. and by far!

“Oh okay. I thought she became your mother’s caretaker, or guardian, after your mother was released from orphanage. So I assumed that she was first placed in an orphanage, as a baby or a small child, and then later, when she was old enough, was given to her older sister to be her official guardian. But I guess that’s not how it happened?”-

Not quite. She had a terrible early childhood because of the traumatic time her family suffered when they immigrating in the early 50s to Israel, living in tents in horrible conditions they didn’t expect. Next her mother died at childbirth when she was 9, her father turned to women and alcohol. Sometime during that time, she was sent to an institution (not an official orphanage, a place for children with no one to care for them). She wasn’t “given” to her older sister, I don’t think. Nothing was organized back then. She just ended up with her oldest sister who shamed her terribly. The mother had a “good” shaming model.

“Hmm.. it just occurred to me that many narcissistic people pretend to be loving and kind in public. So I guess we often don’t know how the person really is in private (with their own children and spouse, in particular). I don’t want to defend your mother in any way – since she indeed was horribly abusive to you. I’m just saying that there might be other mean and abusive people out there, whom we don’t know about – because they don’t show it to the outer world. They only show their true face to their ‘loved ones’, i.e. the people who love them.”-

Yes, I understand and I agree. Yet, what I was referring to were people who were clearly abusive to me, people who took advantage of me for their selfish advantages. In comparison to even those people, SHE was a Hurting Champion. No one “better” at it, no one more effective at delivering emotional injury.. again and again. Those emotional daggers. In a twisted way.. she deserved a medal.

“But it’s also true that your mother had not only narcissism, but other disorders too, and so her behavior was pretty extreme. Again, not so much in public (except for a few of those escapades), but in private, behind four walls…”- V.I.C.O.U.S.

Histrionic, Borderline; Paranoid & Obsessive- Compulsive.

“Yes, I guess derealization is a protective mechanism, not to feel the pain so much. But I’m glad you’re noticing that you’re dissociating less than before. That’s a very good sign, Anita!”-

Thank you, Tee. I don’t feel dissociated at all. Not the way I knew dissociation. I remember, somewhere in the U.S., I was walking and didn’t notice and before I knew it, a big truck, I mean huge, commercial truck almost ran me over. I just didn’t notice. My current ongoing lack of visual memory may be part of an ongoing dissociation.. brain damage, more likely.

“From time to time she would make hurtful comments, to me in private, not in public. So those would be overt daggers, I guess… And yes, daggers hurt, specially coming from our mother..”- I am feeling empathy, affection for little girl/ adolescent Tee.

“I’m sorry, Anita, that was so hurtful – she rudely rejected your heartfelt gift, something you gave her as an expression of your love for her! 😢 And she told you: it’s not good enough, it’s worth nothing to me, I could have picked it myself!”-

Those were not LUXURY flowers, those one would by in a store.

“That was a massive dagger to your heart, Anita! 😢”- My heart was.. not luxury in her mind 😢

“My mother wasn’t as cruel, but I remember she wasn’t exactly the type of mother who liked to show physical affection. She was old school, believing that showing too much affection would spoil the child (she inherited that thinking from her mother, who was very cold and strict with her).”-

One of the most difficult memories for me was when she held my hand (I was mid/ later 20s) on the way to the airport where I was to fly (alone) to the U.S.). She placed her soft, warm hand on mine.. and I wanted to exit my skin, exit my body so to not feel that softness, that warmth.. It felt intense, very intensely negative. Any idea what that was about, Tee?

“As for gifts, I remember once, already in my adulthood, I brought her a heart-shaped souvenir. And she rejected it, asking me ‘well, what am I supposed to do with it?’ I got really upset about it, and then she changed her mind and accepted it. However, she didn’t apologize, but blamed me for overreacting. So yeah, that was a dagger too.. rejecting her daughter’s heartfelt gift..”-

I am sorry, Tee 😢 ❤️

“Okay, that’s an interesting dynamic: first, the teacher was indeed wrong for calling you a derogatory name, so I kind of understand why he (or she?) just stood there, without saying a word.”- she.

“It’s interesting to me that this boy, your classmate, ran to inform your mother about the incident. Does that mean that he knew she is strict and sort of aggressive, and so he wanted to cause a scene by involving her? It also means he wasn’t afraid of the music teacher at all..”- Again, never crossed my mind, but since you mentioned it, yes, he wanted to cause a scene. He knew of the mother being aggressive. Generally, yes, he was a trouble maker in school.

“Possibly, yes, but I’m also thinking that you being publicly humiliated by a teacher meant a personal humiliation for her too. Because you said that there were instances when she would praise you in front of other people, e.g. saying that you’re an excellent pupil, when you weren’t and things like that. So perhaps that was a narcissist in her experiencing public humiliation vicariously, through you, which caused her narcissistic rage to awaken.”- Yes, exactly, true!!!

“Also, maybe she was expected to react with anger (since your classmate ran to inform her – perhaps hoping to provoke a scene?). So perhaps that was her public image – someone who fiercely defends her daughter against any kind of humiliation by other people? Not because she cares about her daughter (although others might not have known it), but because her own narcissism wouldn’t allow her to tolerate to be humiliated vicariously?”- My goodness, yes! True!!!

“I’m afraid that in that situation, she might have seemed as ‘mama bear’ protecting her cub. And because the teacher was wrong to make that derogatory remark, and perhaps was afraid of facing disciplinary action, everybody just stayed silent – because they were afraid of possible consequences.”- Maybe the teacher felt guilty. As to consequences for calling me “auntie”- from the principle or so- I doubt it. There was no protect-the-child policy .. Unless you break the child’s bones, literally 😞

“She hated herself – that’s why she cut her head off the photos. And since she hated herself, she couldn’t love you either. No heart for herself, no heart for you either 🙁”- No Heart= still human?

“I’m happy to share those hearts with you ❤️… Sure, I’d never refuse a heartfelt gift (provided that it doesn’t involve potentially self-harmful actions, such as climbing tall mountains with bad knees 🙂 ) Picking wild flowers on gentle slopes is much more acceptable 😂 😊”-

I am ending this post with a smile and endless gratitude, Tee 🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️

Anita

Dear Tee:

“Sure, I’d never refuse a heartfelt gift (provided that it doesn’t involve potentially self-harmful actions, such as climbing tall mountains with bad knees 🙂 ) Picking wild flowers on gentle slopes is much more acceptable 😂 😊”-

I officially withdraw my offer to climb a mountain 😂

Thank you for your concern and sense of humor (an early first smile for the day). I’ll reply further later.

❤️ 🌻🌹🌷🌺 ❤️, Anita

Dear Tee:

I read your recent message first thing this morning

“That’s sweet of you to say, but I suggest you better spare your knees – you want to have them working smoothly for decades to come 🙂 But thank you anyway, you’re a sweetheart ❤️”-

This is the first time you referred to me as a “sweetheart” and it brings the first smile to my face today (and it’s almost noon).

Actually, I read that walking uphill is very healthy for the knees because it strengthens the muscles you suggested I should strengthen. Therefore, as if it’d be a win-win, I will climb a mountain for you, and a tall one. just give me the word 🙂

I wrote: “I see the Hope for a New Story. A story breaking away from the old story.” and you replied: “So happy to hear that! ❤️”- In the new story, Tee, I get to be the main character.. huh, and ❤️ is the theme!

“Another inspiring verse from the song: In your hands- The birth of the new day

“A new day, free from the false narrative, embracing the truth of who you really are, not who you mother conditioned you to believe you are… I’m happy that you’re seeing the prospects of that new day and the new story unfolding before you ❤️”-

Yes, Tee, ad reading your response right above strengthens me.

“I just thought slave as in you were her possession, she did with you as she pleased.”- Correct. Zero agency= enslavement.

“I guess I’m not surprised that she hasn’t expressed any concern for you either as a fetus, or as a baby or beyond (specially not something that would indicate a mistake on her part, a lack of care for you). But I’m sorry that no one else mentioned anything, or at least not that you know about it, e.g. your father, or perhaps one of her sisters (although it would be no surprise if her older sister, the one who abused her, didn’t show any concern…).”-

Again, it feels like you were there. your attention to details, what I consider to be your superior intelligence, your insight, your empathy.. All these make me feel this way, that you were there and that I was alone there.

“I guess she grew up in very deprived conditions, with no maternal (or paternal) care. Her older sister – who became her caretaker after the orphanage period (if I remember well) abused her, so again, she received no care and empathy there either.”- You remember correctly.. although I don’t think her oldest sister was a caretaker in any way.

“And so she didn’t have it in her: she didn’t have the capacity for empathy, neither towards herself (which is visible from starving and hating her own body), nor towards others, including her own children.”- correct.

“Oh I see, there was no predictability and no comfort in any aspect of your relationship with your mother. There was nothing to hold on, so to speak, nothing safe. So for you, venturing out to the US wasn’t such a scary idea at all.”- yes, venturing out to the U.S. was running away from the biggest threat I’ve known= the mother.

I’ve said it to myself countless times during the years and decades: I have come across selfish, abusive, heartless people but none- in my personal experience- as threatening and abusive as she has been to me.

Remember the image of her cutting her head off photos? She had cut my head off so many, many times (the relentless, no boundary shaming, humiliating me. She had some discipline in regard to the physical beating (not breaking my bones), but no such discipline in regard to the WORDS she used against me. So, no.. nothing remotely comfortable about being with her.

“I believe a part of it may be that you were a bit dissociated, so you didn’t even think of what might go wrong – you just bought the ticket and off you went, hoping for something better, better than what you had at home, I guess?”-

I was very dissociated. It’s only in the last couple of months or so, that I noticed.. a lack of dissociating. What a relief! The feeling that I wasn’t there, that nothing was happening to me.. that derealization, I think it’s called.

I wrote: “She shot daggers of shame from her eyes to my heart, a big ouch every time.”, and you responded: “Yep, that’s familiar… 🙁”.

She shot daggers at you too.. Covert daggers (the indirect kind), Overt daggers? I am sorry, Tee.. Daggers Hurt, particularly from “”mother””.

“Oh okay. Yes, you said that after she went home (and already during her stay), you felt horrible and fell into despair. You left NYC (and I guess your new husband) and flew to New Orleans, ‘for no particular reason other than hoping for a relief.’ And you stayed there for a while. I guess that’s when he decided to ask for annulment, right?”-

Yes. I don’t remember the extent of my communication with him before or after. It would have been the perfect time for me to have therapy, still in N.Y. That idea never came about.

“Yeah, unfortunately another proof that you could never please her, that you’re never enough, no matter what you do.

“A covert narcissistic mother cannot really accept gifts – she cannot accept an honest gift from your heart – I think because she would need to open her heart and receive your love (a gift being an expression of your love). And she cannot do that: she has to believe that you don’t love her and that it’s only her who loves you. In her twisted mind, she is the one who gives, who loves, while you are the faulty one, the undeserving one, whom she nevertheless ‘loves’ and provides for.

“She gives, you receive, because she believes you’re unable to give, you have nothing to give. That’s I think the twisted reasoning behind the covert narcissistic mother rejecting our gifts. Not sure it’s true, but it might be..”-

As I read this, I remembered.. I REMEMBER, I collected wild flowers for her. I was somewhat excited, looking at the beautiful, multi-colored flowers, anticipating handing them to her and her being happy.

I remember somewhat.. I remember the hit of her anger, her disapproval as I handed her the flowers. She reacted as if I insulted her. What did she say (It was so, so very long ago.. but I vividly remember the flowers sparkling under the spring sun above).

What did she say? .. Something about those flowers meaning nothing because there were so many of them all around, that she could have picked them herself, on her own.

See, Tee, what I mean by it’s like you were there.. You make me REMEMBER.

“I’m glad my experience is helping you ❤️ It took me years to understand this dynamic, it was so insidious. I’ve only started to understand in the last couple of years.. Aah, I feel heavy just thinking about it. But okay, it’s much easier once you understand it and don’t fall for their pity party to easily..”-

Did you give her flowers too.. a gift, gifts.. and she..?

“That’s because I’ve experienced such situations, not in interpersonal relationships, but in everyday life, when I start catastrophizing and thinking of the worse, when there could be a number of other, more benign reasons why something is happening. But fear blinds us to other, more trivial or more benign possibilities, and we only imagine the worst.”-

Even asking the above, I was/ am worried, imagining my questioning would offend you, intrude on you, leading to you withdrawing from me.

“Wow, that’s bad that no one even tried to tell her to calm down. They just took their yelling and screaming without saying a word. What was it that she was upset about? Maybe there was some truth in what she was saying (and that’s why the music teacher felt intimidated?), but the way she was saying it was completely inappropriate.”-

The best I figure, the music teacher- during class- made fun of me, calling me “auntie” (as in me being too serious, too “old” for my age, I figure). Svika, a boy in that class ran the short distance, to tell the mother. She walked there, getting the teacher out of the classroom, while all pupils, all teachers, standing outside, watching.

.. “Mother” should have bonded with the music teacher over making fun of/ humiliating me.. But “Mother” wanted all exclusive rights to humiliating me.

Following the whole fiasco, “Mother” didn’t comfort me, of course.. She was offended by being overshadowed by the teacher..?

“But it can also be that many decent people don’t know how to react in such situations (when they are verbally attacked), and they are kind of shocked and taken aback, and can only gather their thoughts later.”- I imagine there were decent people there.

But none to take me away to safety. Maybe safety was too scarce back then.

“Oh that’s horrible. I think that’s an example of coercive control, which Copilot mentioned in its analysis. She controlled your behavior by threatening to kill herself. She forced you to behave in a certain way by threatening suicide… appalling 😕-

Yes, coercive control, bullying. Cruelty, heartlessness.. Huh, she cut her head off the photos.. Her heart was cut off long before, as in literally No Heart 4 Me.

This is why your “❤️ 🫶 ❤️”, particularly you being a WOMAN means so much for me.

I am forever grateful, never will switch to suspicion and distrust, not when it comes to you, Tee. For sure!

If I brought you 🌼🌻🌹🌷🌺, I know You’d gently take them off my hands, and with a smile, you’d bring them up to your face, smell them, and I’d see your smile extending.. And I’d know I’ve done something good (tears in my eyes).

🌼🌻🌹🌷🌺 Anita