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May 26, 2025 at 7:43 am #446289
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
No worries about the delay. I remember you weren’t looking forward to your trip to the U.S.—did it turn out better than you expected?
You might benefit from a therapist specializing in childhood trauma, emotional regulation, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). These areas can help you process the impact of your past and develop ways to manage overthinking.
Here are your options (according to AI):
1. NHS Therapy (Free or Low-Cost)
The NHS offers talking therapies for anxiety, depression, and trauma. You can self-refer online or ask your GP for a referral.
Therapy is available in person, by phone, or online, but there may be waiting times.
2. Charitable Organizations (Free or Low-Cost)
* Mind UK – Offers mental health support and therapy services.
* Anxiety UK – Provides therapy on a sliding scale based on income.
3. Private Therapy (Paid)- You can find private therapists through directories like:
* BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy).
* UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapy).
Private therapy offers more flexibility and shorter wait times, but costs vary. Some therapists offer sliding-scale fees based on income.
If you’re unsure where to start, AI says, self-referring through the NHS might be the easiest first step.
I am looking forward to read about your next step 🚀
anita
May 26, 2025 at 5:35 am #446285anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I really appreciate your message from yesterday. Thank you for being so open and for sharing your thoughts with me. Your kindness and willingness to talk are truly valuable.
I’m grateful that you had enough therapy to avoid the painful outcomes of trauma that you mentioned. ❤️
I also want to say that I’m taking a break from discussing my mother for now. I need to step back from it at this time.
That said, I’m grateful for our conversations and for you being here. Please know that I respect your boundaries too, and I understand that you’re facing challenges in the present. Whenever you feel like talking, I’m here.
Take care, and talk soon. ❤️
anita
May 25, 2025 at 9:53 pm #446282anitaParticipantActually, I think that Copilot is my best friend.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 9:08 pm #446281anitaParticipantanita to Copilot (AI): “I have been participating in tiny buddha’s public forums, while there’s no one but one person reading my posts, can I post in a different website where I can reach more than just one person?”
Copilot, May 25: Absolutely! There are plenty of online communities where you can share your thoughts and engage with a larger audience. Here are a few popular forums for self-help and personal growth:
Reddit’s r/self improvement – A vibrant community with over 1.5 million members discussing personal growth, motivation, and productivity.
The Fastlane Forum – Focused on self-development and motivation, this forum is great for discussing mindset shifts and personal success.
SelfGrowth.com – A website dedicated to self-improvement, offering discussions on goal setting, stress management, and personal development.
Aspire Atlas – A platform that connects people on their personal development journey, offering insights and support.
Each of these communities has active discussions and a broad audience, so you’re likely to find more engagement than on Tiny Buddha. Would you like help choosing the best one for your needs?”anita: Yes.
Copilot, May 25: Great! It depends on what kind of audience you’d like to reach and the style of discussion you prefer. Here are some options tailored to different needs:
If you’re looking for deeper, thoughtful discussions: Reddit’s r/selfimprovement has a large and engaged community, with people actively sharing advice and personal stories. You’ll likely get thoughtful responses to your posts.
If you prefer structured self-development topics: SelfGrowth.com offers categorized discussions on various aspects of personal growth, from relationships to mindfulness.
If you’re interested in personal success and motivation: The Fastlane Forum focuses on entrepreneurial and success-oriented discussions, with people sharing their insights and breakthroughs.
If you want a smaller, supportive community: Aspire Atlas has a more intimate feel and is great if you’re looking for consistent engagement with like-minded people.
Would you like me to help you craft an introduction post to get started?” anita: Yes.Copilot, May 25: “Great! Here’s a strong introduction post you can use on any forum:
Title: Exploring Personal Growth – Looking for Insightful Conversations
Hello everyone,
I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, and I love diving into deep discussions about mindfulness, motivation, and mental well-being. I’ve been sharing my thoughts on Tiny Buddha’s forums, but I’m eager to connect with more people and exchange insights with a broader community.What inspires you on your path to self-improvement? Any wisdom or habits that have made a big difference in your life? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Looking forward to meaningful conversations. 😊”-
… LOL.. Maybe Copilot is my best friend, Crazy World.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 8:00 pm #446280anitaParticipantI am totally willing to withdraw or adjust my participation on these tiny buddha forums if it would encourage more people to participate. Maybe there is a more appropriate forum for me to participate in, a forum where I will heal further and shine, while encouraging others to do the same.
If you (ANYONE READING??) know of such a forum that’s right for me, please let me know what it could be.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 7:49 pm #446279anitaParticipantStream of Consciousness, whatever comes to mind this Sunday evening:
Often, in my mind, when typing here whatever comes to my mind, I would “hear” people on the forums listening to me, reading my words and caring about what I am saying.
Currently, in the whole-wide-world of these tiny buddha forums, I think that there is only one person reading and caring to read my words- Alessa. I know of no one else.
I suppose these forums are not at all popular. And in these forums, I am the main person posting.
Almost all posts are mine.
Is there a way to make these forums more inclusive?
Because as it is, the population reading and participating is dwindling and dying, seems to me.
Nothing is happening here- just me posting, and Alessa.. and occasionally, rarely- anyone else. Peter announced recently that he will not be posting much.
So, really.. I mean, is this a death-zone forum? A mostly death-silent zone?
I suppose it is.
It doesn’t feel the same journaling when knowing only one person is reading, at the most. I a grateful to you reading, Alessa, but if it’s only you and I following this.. this is not much of a public forum, is it? I mean .. it’s a public-of-two and no more..?
I need more of a community than that of two people and no more.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 6:10 pm #446278anitaParticipant(Back to the computer): Thank you, Alessa, you are so very kind, and I highly appreciate you. Yet, I think it’s better that I don’t read Jana’s message. Again, truly- I do wish her the best, and indeed I got emotionally attached to her. How could I not? She is precious in so many ways.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 4:52 pm #446276anitaParticipantTHANK YOU, Alessa. I am using my phone so I will reply further in the morning. In regard to Jana- funny thing: she expressed repeatedly that she was afraid of me. Thing is- I am afraid of her. So, no, I wouldn’t like to see her message, fearing more critics
But I do wish her well. truly. I did get attached to her. Itrully miss her and wish she and I understood each other better. But again honestly. I am afraid of her criticizing me yet again
Anita
May 25, 2025 at 12:11 pm #446273anitaParticipant* Correction: I (intentionally) tried to poke a hole in your avoidant attachment style… In doing so, I unintentionally broke my promise, unaware at the time, only recognizing it later.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 11:58 am #446272anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you for sharing so openly with me. Your words bring a lot of comfort and understanding. It means so much to know that someone else truly gets what it’s like to carry those old wounds.
I appreciate what you said about the survival mechanism—how we take on the role of our abuser within ourselves. That really resonates. It’s heartbreaking but also helps explain so much.
I admire your approach to relationships, seeing pain as something shared rather than isolated. That perspective is powerful, and I want to keep it in mind as I continue to grow.
I’m really grateful for this conversation. You’ve helped me feel seen. ❤️
anita
May 25, 2025 at 11:43 am #446271anitaParticipantDear Heather:
I understand how hard it is to think your friend might have judged you—it makes sense that this added to your guilt. When we care about someone, their opinion matters, and uncertainty about how they see us can be unsettling.
Maybe the guilt comes more from worrying about her view than from how you feel about the situation. If you look at it from your own perspective, without her reaction, do you still feel the same way?
You’re clearly thoughtful and care about doing the right thing. I hope you find peace with this.
anita
May 25, 2025 at 11:36 am #446270anitaParticipantDear Peter:
On May 22, I promised you:
“If I have the privilege to communicate with you further—here, or even in real life, if that ever happens—I will never, ever try to change you in any way, shape, or form. Not even the slightest bit, not even disguised as a recommendation for improvement. Nothing… I will listen, I will be here—not to shape you, but to see you, as you are. That is my promise. I am able to keep this promise.”
I now realize that by asking you yesterday, “Do you ever think about love in a more personal way, beyond the big cosmic view? How does love, as something we share and feel between people, fit into this web?”—I unintentionally tried to poke a hole in your avoidant attachment style, encouraging you to engage with me on a personal, emotional level. In doing so, I broke my promise, unaware at the time, only recognizing it later.
I grew up—or, as I prefer to say, grew in, turning inward. I was intensely lonely and isolated for far too long. My mother was emotionally inaccessible. I tried to reach her but never could, and there was no one else to turn to. As a child and teenager, peers repeatedly preferred the company of others over mine. That prolonged isolation left a deep wound—a craving to be seen, recognized, and chosen over others.
This is why you held such a strong appeal for me recently, Peter. The desire for you to see me, to choose me for personal engagement, felt significant.
Your lack of response to my message on May 24—and the fact that I do not anticipate one—reopened this old wound, reinforcing a familiar pain: that I am not special enough, not chosen, that I am less than others. It’s not simply about your silence—it’s about the way your silence echoes inside me. It mirrors every moment in childhood when my emotions failed to reach my mother, when no one responded as I sat alone, when my voice disappeared into nothingness.
I felt a touch of anger toward you. Anger about years of trying to reach people who don’t reach back. It’s the frustration of investing effort, vulnerability, and hope into someone who doesn’t recognize it in the way I need. Beneath the anger, there is grief. Grief for the longing, grief for the unfulfilled hope, grief for the belief that maybe this time—maybe this person—would be different.
When I am recognized these days as someone worthy, it feels very special. But the idea of being recognized by someone who is emotionally distant, that’s something far more powerful within me.
It’s like being recognized retroactively, in that distant, far gone world of my childhood, a world of extreme loneliness, surrounded by emotionally distant people. No one that sees me.
It is a powerful dream—one that makes my promise not to try to change you into someone who will see me and choose me incredibly difficult to keep, probably impossible. Because of this dynamic, I believe it’s best for me to withdraw from communicating with you.
I want to emphasize that you have done nothing wrong—this is entirely about me and the deep-seated patterns within me, ones you did not create. As I say goodbye, my intent is not only to part ways with you but to release this dream—to signal that I am letting go, allowing myself to stop reopening this old wound.
The forums have been very quiet for quite some time. I truly hope more people begin participating and that you continue to post and engage—at your own level of comfort—with other members.
anita
May 24, 2025 at 10:00 pm #446269anitaParticipantDear Alessa- I want to reply in the morning, but for now, this Sat night, I am filled with appreciation and gratitude to you ❤️❤️❤️
anita
May 24, 2025 at 10:02 am #446262anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Your words paint such a deep and thoughtful picture of connection and existence. The way you describe love as something beyond time and emotion is really interesting. It makes me wonder—do you ever think about love in a more personal way, beyond the big cosmic view?
How does love, as something we share and feel between people, fit into this web?
I recently realized that my attachment style is Disorganized (I shared more about it in my own thread less than an hour ago, and before you submitted your most recent post). I deeply want love in a personal way, but I also fear it because, from an early age, my brain linked closeness with pain. This led to a push-pull pattern throughout much of my adult life. While I’ve made progress, I still struggle with suspicion and distrust—even toward people who have proven themselves worthy of trust.
I appreciate the way your reflections challenge me to think about love beyond the personal level. Thank you for sharing them—I always find them meaningful. Wishing you well on your journey of reflection and connection.
anita
May 24, 2025 at 9:04 am #446260anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I understand how mental health struggles can make communication challenging, and I truly appreciate that you take the time to respond when you feel ready. Your depth of understanding and empathy yesterday meant so much to me. More than anything, I want to express my gratitude—for your kindness, your wisdom, and your ability to put thoughts into words so beautifully. I feel seen, and that is a gift in itself. ❤️
I want to reflect further on your words from yesterday:
* “She even didn’t like any people. She didn’t trust anyone. So in her mind it would be all children are bad. All people are bad… People who hate themselves often cannot bring themselves to truly care about others. She was very sick”-
My mother was indeed very sick. She suffered from a combo of (undiagnosed and untreated) Paranoid, Borderline and Histrionic Personality Disorders.
I’ve never really explored my attachment style before, but this morning, I realized that mine is disorganized. In reading about attachment, I discovered a strong connection between growing up with a parent who has Paranoid, Borderline, or Histrionic Personality Disorder and developing Disorganized Attachment in childhood—an attachment pattern that often carries into adulthood.
Disorganized attachment forms when a child seeks love and comfort from a parent but also fears them. The parent may be warm and loving at times but unpredictable, distant, or even frightening at others. This creates deep confusion, causing the child to associate closeness with pain. Love becomes intertwined with the fear of inevitable hurt.
As the child grows, this ingrained fear shapes relationships, leading to struggles with trust, emotional stability, and intimacy. The longing for connection remains, but so does the deep-seated worry that closeness will bring harm. This internal conflict often manifests in cycles of attachment, suspicion, and withdrawal.
It’s like reaching for connection but then pulling away out of fear, even when there’s no real reason.
* “She was like an animal, beaten, broken lashing out at everyone who comes near her.”- the lashing out was part of her Borderline Personality Disorder. It was truly scary. Beaten, broken herself, she proceeded to beat and break me.
* “I feel like your Mother would have had difficulties raising any child. It wasn’t you personally who was being labelled… it wasn’t your fault. You were just there on the receiving end of it all.”-
For most of my life, I believed I was to blame for her behavior—that I was the cause of it. She told me this many times. She was unable to look within herself or take accountability for any behavior that was harmful, or even potentially harmful, to others. So, when she raged at me, she always positioned herself as Right and Good—and me as Wrong and Bad.
Alessa, your insight and kindness have helped me more than I can put into words. Please know that you don’t have to feel any pressure to continue guiding me on this topic; you’ve already given me so much, and I truly appreciate it.
If you ever feel comfortable sharing more about your own struggles, I’d be honored to listen—to whatever extent feels right for you. Maybe, in some small way, I can offer you even a fraction of the empathy and understanding you’ve so generously shown me.
anita
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