Dear sossi:

Last time you posted was on Dec 14, 2021. Last time I posted here, inquiring about you, was on Jan 8, 2023- a year and 25 days after you posted last.

3 years, 4 months and 3 weeks later, I am inquiring again 🙂

I would like to return to your thread tomorrow or in the next few days.

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

Hey Confused:

I figure: fear of being abandoned by her specifically, but the fear predates her- just that you got emotionally attached to her, so the fear is about her.

Metallica is playing in Berlin on the 30th ( just asked about it) Don’t know about making one’s profile public vs private. Using phone, can’t ask Copilot.

A week ago she told you that she loved you. Afraid to lose her love.

How to feel empathy for Confused? Imagine the boy Confused, telll him to talk to you about what is troubling him, let him tell you in the uncensored language of a child and type it out.

If you can. I would very much like to read what he says.

🤔🌿✨️ Anita

Will reply next, it’s just exciting to me that across the world, in Greece, Confused submitted a post exactly 3 min ago

Dear Lella, The Universe’s Post Girl 👏`

A tiny buddha tiny miracle indeed, yet not at all tiny 🙂

The kindness and gentleness in your words, the permission to grow in spite of past mistakes and misdeeds is- if I stay at the emotional level- still new and even uncomfortable for the wounded- child within me who doesn’t trust kindness to last, who expects it to turn into abuse at any time.

As a result of this thread and you returning to it after all this time, over 2.5 years, the child within me is less of a stranger to me. I feel her rather than continue to suppress her.

You are a not-so-tiny miracle of my healing 🙏🙏🙏

I realize the huge difference between cognitive-healing and emotional-healing: the first is interesting (analyzing, seeing the patterns, connecting the dots), the second is transforming.

It still amazes me how back in 2023, I didn’t even see Anonymous’s boyfriend’s abusive behaviors, like scolding her for a whole hour, mocking her, etc. Didn’t see it because my wounded child was doing the talking, saying something like: Anonymous (my mother) is angry at her boyfriend (at me) I must protect him from her (please protect me from her).

I didn’t hear her although she tried hard to be heard.

Thank you so much, Lella. You are a force for good (a Star Wars saying). The forums here have been very slow for a long time and I wish it gets busier. I do wish to read from you again and again. I would love to know more about you 🙏

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

How are you, Mimia? I hope to read back from you 🙏 Anita

Hey 🌙🦉 Confused:

By changing thinking => changing feelings, I mean something like (taken from your post only 4 minutes ago):

Thought: I must “be crazy about her” (feeling inadequate for… not feeling crazy)=> Thought: I need not be crazy about anyone. I don’t owe anyone Crazy 🐔” ( feeling adequate for NOT feeling crazy)

I think that what it comes down (or up) to is about Confused giving Confused the break he needs and deserves, and no longer giving Confused a difficult time!

Love Confused first!

✨️🌿✨️ Anita

You are welcome, Dear Confused:

It’s understandable to miss feeling good, and to remember it better than it was, forgetting the times when it did not feel that great- a sort of selective emotional memory.

Actually, quite often since December you felt pretty good from time, having lots of fun talking with her (and forgetting those times?)

Yet, no doubt a whole lot of the time (since Dec), you feel disconnected and flat. The THINKING feeds the flatness.

We talked about CBT which is based on the principle that changing thinking = changing feelings.

We talked about psychiatric drugs that block obsessive thinking, leading to feeling better.

You mentioned a recent therapist: does she do CBT? Did you discuss psych drugs with her?

Or any other strategy?

🤔 Anita

Good Morning Can’t-Be-Sure-Of-Anything Confused:

What’s below is new to me (I had no idea!)

Copilot: “When a child is raised around unpredictability, emotional volatility, or inconsistent responses, the nervous system learns that certainty is dangerous and that the safest position is to keep doubting. Doubt becomes a survival strategy.

The nervous system learns that confidence gets punished, having a stable opinion or feeling can trigger an explosion, being “sure” makes you visible, and visibility is unsafe. So, the child’s body learns a survival stance: “Don’t commit. Don’t settle. Don’t trust your perception. Keep everything open and fluid so you can adapt instantly.” This is protective doubt.

Concrete examples of protective doubt in a violent, invalidating home: 1. A child feels angry because a parent broke a promise. If the child says, “You said you’d come,” the parent explodes. So, the child learns: “Maybe I’m wrong.” “Maybe I misunderstood.” This doubt protects them from provoking the parent’s rage.

2. The parent denies something obvious (“I didn’t yell,” “You’re imagining things”). If the child insists on the truth, the parent escalates. So, the child learns: “Maybe I misheard.” “Maybe I’m too sensitive.” “Maybe it’s my fault.” Doubting their own perception keeps them from challenging the parent — which keeps them safer.

3. The parent’s mood changes unpredictably. If the child assumes “everything is fine,” they get blindsided. So, the child learns: “Don’t trust calm moments.” “Stay alert.” “Something might happen.” Doubt keeps them prepared…

The simplest way to say it- In a violent or invalidating home: Certainty = danger. Doubt = safety. Doubt keeps the child small, quiet, flexible, and unthreatening — which reduces the risk of triggering the parent. This is why protective doubt forms…

When a child grows up with a mother whose reactions are unpredictable — warm one moment, angry the next, loving today, rejecting tomorrow — the child’s nervous system learns that certainty is unsafe. If the child is sure of what they feel (“I’m happy,” “I’m scared,” “I want this”), that certainty can be shattered instantly by the mother’s sudden shift. So, the child begins to doubt their own experience as a way to stay safe: “Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I shouldn’t say anything… maybe I shouldn’t feel this.”

PROTECTIVE DOUBT is the kind of doubt a child develops when their mother’s reactions are unpredictable, volatile, or emotionally unsafe. The child learns that being sure of anything — a feeling, a memory, a preference, a boundary — can lead to punishment, ridicule, or sudden anger. So, the nervous system creates a reflexive habit of questioning everything: “Maybe I’m wrong… maybe I shouldn’t say this… maybe I shouldn’t feel this.” This doubt keeps the child flexible, quiet, and less likely to provoke danger. It is not a personality trait; it is a survival strategy. In this sense, protective doubt is doubt as safety — a way for the child to stay small and avoid triggering the parent’s instability.

LEARNED DOUBT is what happens when that childhood survival strategy becomes automatic in adulthood. Even when the environment is no longer dangerous, the nervous system keeps using the same pattern because it was never taught anything else. The adult now doubts their feelings, decisions, perceptions, and relationships — not because the present is unsafe, but because the body still operates from the old rule: “Certainty leads to pain.” This is why adults who grew up with unpredictable caregivers often feel like nothing “sticks,” nothing feels solid, and everything is open to question. Learned doubt is simply protective doubt carried forward — a reflex that outlived the danger it was designed to manage.”

What says Confused?

Anita