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December 28, 2025 at 11:28 am #453458
anitaParticipantDear Alessa, my friend:
I hope that you got your medications by this time..???
I am having a tough time myself. Last night I destroyed my computer when I allowed Bogart to sit by me and move things around and then I spilled something on the computer, I don’t know how much money a new one will cost. So, I am feeling an increase in anxiety.
“Blue is my favourite colour.”- đ©” đ©” đ©” đ©” đ©” đ©” đ©”
Anita
December 28, 2025 at 10:50 am #453457
anitaParticipantJames: I am withdrawing from this thread and will not participate in any thread you have started or will start. I see no opportunity for a dialogue with you. I give up.
Plus, I am concerned for other people interacting with you because “Real Spirituality” (the title of your thread) is really.. ‘Spiritual’ Abuse and Authoritarianism.
Anita
December 28, 2025 at 10:37 am #453455
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
“How does empathy for yourself feel like? I wonder..”- same as empathy for another person, only it’s directed to yourself.
Or here’s another answer (it may or may not work for you), you wrote earlier about your mother: “To be fair, she would call me nice words, expressing her love to me, hug me, kiss me as well, it wasn’t always fighting and negatives, a mix of everything really.”-
Continue the positive work in the mix, say nice words to yourself, express your love to you, and discontinue the negative part (no more fighting within, if there is any, apply calm and patience to yourself.
“I feel innocence and being carefree from future struggles, freedom in a way.”- can you elaborate on this?
“I would tell him to slow down and put himself first probably.”- Yes, tell him that every day đ€
đ€ Anita
December 28, 2025 at 10:06 am #453453
anitaParticipantHello James and Everyone:
“James: “I am not gonna get into these. Too early for you guys and not ready.” (Dec 28)- too early for us guys to Submit to your prophetic leadership, not ready to Follow you. I can’t think of a more fitting example to a stronger Ego (and arrogance) than yours, as expressed in this quote.
There’s no dialogue with you unless one agrees with you completely, and even better, asks for your guidance- that’s when you engage in a dialogue and express kindness.
When challenged, you dismiss the entire message of the challenger (no matter how empathetic and gentle the message) as âmind,â which is his catchâall category for anything you don’t want to engage with. This is not a dialogue; itâs a closed system.
The pattern- someone asks â you answer, someone validatesâ you agree. Someone questions you â you preach, one challenges you â you dismiss.
Because you framed your worldview is as absolute, any counterargument becomes proof that the other person is âstill trapped.â, and any disagreement is reframed as: ignorance, ego, illusion, attachment, âmindâ, âyouâre not awakened yetâ, or the latest, today: “you guys and not ready.”
Your worldview immune to critique. You avoid every question that would require self-reflection, and from time to time, you escalate into prophetic warning: âI am not here to teach you, I am here to warn you. Either you follow or not. If you donât, death will show you.â
This reveals the power dynamic you are trying to create: You are the one who âknows.â Others are the ones who must âfollow.â Reality itself will punish disagreement; follow or suffer.
You donât say: âThis is my experience.â, âThis is my interpretation.â
You say: âThis is the Truth.â, âDeath will show you.â, âI am here to warn you.â-This is very far from spiritual humility â itâs metaphysical authoritarianism.
Ending with âPeaceâ after issuing a death warning is not peace.
The dynamic you practice is called a ONE-UP, ONE-DOWN DYNAMIC: a pattern in communication or relationships where one person consistently places themselves above the other â in knowledge, authority, morality, insight, or power â while placing the other person below them. You are always Right and others’ chance of being right as well is NO disagreement, no challenging questions, nothing but complete agreement and submission.
A oneâup stance often includes correcting others constantly, dismissing their experiences, reframing disagreement as ignorance, claiming special insight or enlightenment, and speaking with absolute certainty; while the other person is invalidated, talked down to, and told their perspective is âmind,â âillusion,â or âattachmentâ, warned or lectured.
A SELF-SEALING BELIEF SYSTEM is one that automatically protects itself from being questioned, no matter what anyone says. Any challenge is reinterpreted as proof that the belief is correct, no evidence can count against it, no counterargument is allowed to land. It âseals itselfâ against criticism.
A selfâsealing system has builtâin defenses like: âIf you disagree, that means you donât understand.â, âIf you question this, that means your ego is resisting.â, âIf you argue, that proves youâre trapped in illusion.â You literally cannot win.
The conversation is not about evidence, logic, shared reality or mutual understanding- unless one submits and follows you completely.
Here are examples from your messages: someone says: âStress comes from emotions.â, you say: âEmotions are mind. Mind is illusion.â
Someone says: âWe can influence the body.â, you say: âThere is no you to influence anything.â
Someone says: âYour worldview has contradictions.â, you say: âThatâs your mind resisting.â
Why people use selfâsealing worldviews? Because their inner world feels unstable, uncertainty feels dangerous. A selfâsealing system is a psychological safety mechanism.
In simple terms, a selfâsealing belief is one that cannot be wrong, because it reinterprets every challenge as proof that itâs right.
Anita
December 27, 2025 at 4:30 pm #453431
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
I just read for the first time what you posted half an hour ago. I am so sorry you are having a flare up (I wonder what kind.. physical, PTSD..?). I am thinking of you too. Please do your best to take care of yourself at this time.
đ©”đ©”đ©” Anita
December 27, 2025 at 4:24 pm #453430
anitaParticipantHey Confused:
“Do you think it could still be influencing me?… I cant give myself empathy”- Yes, I think it does because you haven’t been able so far to feel empathy for yourself.
I am wondering, if you look at a photo or photos of yourself when you were a child, when you look at young Confused face, into his eyes in the photos, if you look long enough, do you feel anything at all?
If you talked to the boy in the photo, what would you tell him?
đ€ Anita
December 27, 2025 at 4:04 pm #453429
anitaParticipantRe-submitting without the part I forgot to delete (part of your post to which I responded):
Dear James:
Seeing your đđđ brought the first smile to my face today. Sincerely, I am glad that you were at least entertained by my study, and that you laughed loudly! I hope you laugh out loud many more times, itâs healthy for you!
(I am Anita, by the way, not Alessa)
Some of what you wrote over time (much of it I quoted before, here on your thread) has been helpful and illuminating for me. I want to go back and read those quotes. I thank you for these.
Anita
December 27, 2025 at 4:01 pm #453428
anitaParticipantDear James:
Seeing your đđđ brought the first smile to my face today. Sincerely, I am glad that you were at least entertained by my study, and that you laughed loudly! I hope you laugh out loud many more times, it’s healthy for you!
(I am Anita, by the way, not Alessa)
Some of what you wrote over time (much of it I quoted before, here on your thread) has been helpful and illuminating for me. I want to go back and read those quotes. I thank you for these.
Anita
The ego is just see what it want to see lol.
I am sorry but i laughed loudly đ
Dear Tee,
Try to take care your body and cause more stress. You have no idea how free and beauty it is without you.
Peace.
December 27, 2025 at 12:56 pm #453416
anitaParticipantHi Squiggly Pop:
I was thinking along the lines of what Alessa wrote (before I read her reply). There is something safe in an unlived romance (post the vacation romance): you can experience the love, the longing without the risk of real-life challenges.
Limerence often happens in a space where the connection is imagined, idealized, or limited. Because of that: there are no real-life conflicts, no disagreements, no mismatched habits, no awkward conversations.
The other person stays perfect in your mind. Youâre responding to an idealized version of them, not the full, complicated human.
And you control the narrative- your mind fills in the gaps with what feels good, comforting, or exciting. You donât have to reveal your flaws, needs, or fears in the way you would in an actual relationship.
In that sense, limerent love can feel safer than real love because it exists in a protected mental space where nothing challenges it.
Itâs emotionally safe in the way a daydream is safe: nothing can hurt you there. But it also means: it doesnât grow, it doesnât deepen, it doesnât get tested, and it doesnât become mutual intimacy.
Itâs like holding a beautiful glass sculptureâuntouched, untested, and unbroken because it never really leaves the shelf.
Real love involves negotiation, disappointment, repair, shared responsibility, and mutual vulnerability.
Limerence is more like a spark that doesn’t have to face the wind.
I’ll end this post the same way Alessa ended hers: What do you think?
Anita
December 27, 2025 at 12:29 pm #453415
anitaParticipantDear Tee:
Thank you, Tee, I do hope he’ll get less anxious over time.
“How was his life before you took him? Was he taken to walks and suchlike?”- he was around 40 dogs or so, in a large area (someone’s private property, a guy who raises and sells beagles). The guy said Bogart was a bit “shy” which I guess meant anxious. He said Bogart played with the smaller dogs, so I guess that meant he was afraid of the bigger dogs.
I am heaving a serious cold, nose and ears plugged, but my plan is to try and walk him on the lop today, I just got advice on how to possibly make it happen. i would love to give you some positive news on the matter later.
“Good point! Iâve read that as bosses, narcissists like to take credit for everything their team does. Theyâre not really keen on giving acknowledgment to others. They also like to create division between people and âus vs. themâ mentality. And as team members, I imagine theyâre very competitive, jealous of others, perhaps even undermining others.. so yeah, not pleasant people to work with either.”-
My mother’s MO was to create divisions between people. Thing is, when I tried to be on her side against someone she was against, she didn’t let me in (so that she and I were a team against whomever she was against), so it wasn’t “âus vs. themâ, as in me and her vs them. She just wouldn’t allow me to be an “us” with her.
“Iâm sorry about the tics, Anita, but very glad that they are easing these days.”- thank you, there is indeed an easing.
“In your journal log, youâre writing about the unquenchable craving of your inner child for your motherâs love… What is your relationship with your inner child these days? Are you (the adult Anita) able to give it love that LGA is craving?”-
Well, for one thing, every single day I repeat a mantra that you suggested, repeating that I am a good, worthy, helpful and hard-working person. I also repeat something else you suggested. Right after I say “I replace chronic shame, guilt, self doubt/ mistrust with love for myself”, I add “while the adult part of me holds myself accountable for my words and actions today and every day” (your suggestion was to add “the adult part of me”.
But good point, Tee, I need to add something, some daily visualization.. the hug you suggested I give myself. Actually, I would like to locate that post you wrote to me, the one with practical suggestions for me to love my inner child.
“Thanks a lot for your comment about the other thread! đ€”- You are welcome, Tee. Sincerely, like I said earlier (andI’ll say it again), you are amazing! It’s a fascinating thread, I spent a few hours on it today. Maybe it’d be interesting or helpful for you to read.
đ€ đ«¶ đ đ€
December 27, 2025 at 12:04 pm #453414
anitaParticipantHey, Confused:
It’s very nice of you to have forgiven her. I just don’t want you to.. Confuse forgiveness with acceptance of the abuse she inflicted on you, as in you have deserved it. because you didn’t deserve e it, and no matter how difficult her life has been (and I wish it hadn’t), it didn’t give her the.. what’s the word, permission or.. moral right to hurt you.
Empathy for her is okay, it’s just that you deserve empathy for yourself.
đ€ Anita
December 27, 2025 at 11:56 am #453413
anitaParticipantDear Robi:
I love how honest you are, that’s one of the things about you that I admire most đ
“Actually, not that much has happened â perhaps thatâs what bothers me the most.”- how about trying to focus on the positive little things, noticing a little good thing happening here, another good thing happening there, every day. It builds a positive attitude, hopefulness and not waiting for something BIG to happen..?
Hasn’t snowed here yet. been a very wet winter but relatively warm, at least, not cold enough for snow or ice.
I too don’t care for holidays, Robi- it’s been ages since I celebrated any. Last was a modest get-together last Thanksgiving, nothing for Christmas and no plans for New Year.
I met a woman from Poland, born there, she’s a local here, still has a Polish accent. how’s Poland for you (or are you in Romania right now?)
“Overall I feel this mustâve been my toughest year so far.”- what made it the toughest year so far..??? (If you care to answer, of course.)
đ€ Anita
December 27, 2025 at 10:58 am #453411
anitaParticipantHello Everyone:
* I am adding this after completing this long post. This is a study I did today and I thought it might be interesting for others to read and comment on, if you’d like to.
James: “Drugs accumulated calcium in my vein.”- No: Calcium buildup in arteries is real. Calcium buildup in veins is extremely rare. Veins almost never calcify. And recreational drugs â psychedelics, cocaine, heroin, MDMA, ketamine, meth, cannabis â do not cause calcium deposits.
“clot happened by itself and wasnât related to anything.”- clots can occur independently of calcification or drugs, but if a patient has a history of drug use, a heart emergency, a clot discovered during surgery.. it would be very unusual for a doctor to confidently say: âThis clot definitely had nothing to do with drugs.â
“According to doctors, if I never used drugs, the clot would explode and I would be dead.â- Doctors donât talk like that. Doctors donât use the word âexplodeâ for clots. âexplodeâ is not a medical term and doesnât describe how clots behave. Clots donât burst like balloons. They break loose and move. Maybe you misunderstand a doctor, or you’re retelling it in a more dramatic language
“İ was doing so much drugs and thatâs what one of the biggest reason for my heart surgery”, “I did 10 gr dried ploycibin cubensis with lemon take and 5 Meo DMT with ultra high dosages)”-
A standard recreational dose of the first is 2â3.5 g (creating a strong psychedelic experience), 5 g is considered a “Heroic dose” (term by Terence McKenna), causing an extremely intense, overwhelming psychedelic experience.
10 grams dried is not a common amount. Itâs not even a âhighâ amount. It’s 3â5 times a typical recreational dose, double a âheroic doseâ, and far above anything used in clinical trials. It is considered an extreme or dangerous dose in harmâreduction circles, an extreme outlier (far outside the normal range).
Most people would never take this much because the psychological intensity can be overwhelming, the physical effects (blood pressure, heart rate) can spike, and the risk of panic, confusion, or dangerous behavior increases: the experience can be traumatic rather than insightful.
As to the second, 5âMeOâDMT, âultra high dosagesâ were consumed.
5âMeOâDMT is not like psilocybin or LSD. It has a much steeper doseâresponse curve, much stronger physical effects, a much higher risk of losing consciousness and of dangerous behavior or injury. A small increase in dose can produce a massive increase in intensity. This is why harmâreduction communities describe high doses as unpredictable and potentially dangerous.
5âMeOâDMT is extremely potent, and high doses can cause rapid heart rate, sharp blood pressure spikes, irregular heartbeat (arrhythmias), hyperventilation or breathâholding, muscle rigidity or shaking, nausea or vomiting. These effects can be dangerous for anyone, but especially for people with congenital heart defects, high blood pressure, arrhythmias, and cardiovascular disease.
Other affects of this drug in high doses: panic, a total loss of body awareness, an inability to control movement, blackouts or loss of consciousness, and a complete loss of sense of self (âego dissolutionâ).
About âego dissolutionâ: in everyday life, you feel: âI am me.â, âI am inside my body.â, âMy thoughts belong to me.â, âI am separate from the world.â
Ego dissolution is when that sense temporarily breaks down. People often describe it as feeling merged with everything, losing the boundary between âselfâ and âworldâ, thoughts happening without a sense of âIâ, no distinction between observer and experience, a sense of being âpure awarenessâ rather than a person
Itâs not the same as confusion or psychosis â itâs more like the structure of selfhood temporarily dissolves. This can feel
peaceful, overwhelming, frightening, or profound. It depends on the person and the context.About âloss of body awarenessâ- Normally, you feel: where your arms and legs are, the weight of your body, your breathing, your position in space. At very high doses, people feel like having no body, floating, being disembodied, being a point of consciousness, being everywhere and nowhere, not knowing where your limbs are, not feeling physical sensations. This is because the brain regions that integrate sensory input and body awareness become disrupted or overwhelmed.
At high doses, these disruptions become so strong that the usual sense of âI exist as a body in spaceâ collapses.
5âMeOâDMT is known for producing these effects more intensely than many other psychedelics.
In simple terms:
Ego dissolution = losing the sense of âI am a separate person.â
Loss of body awareness = losing the sense of having a physical body.
Both are temporary states caused by extreme disruption of normal brain networks.
Referring to the title of this thread, are these Real Spirituality experiences?
Ego dissolution (losing the sense of âIâ), feeling merged with everything, etc.⊠are interpreted in very different ways by different people.
There are three common interpretations:
A. Spiritual interpretation- Some people describe these states as mystical, sacred, transcendent, encounters with âonenessâ, and contact with something larger than themselves. This is why psychedelics have been used in spiritual and ceremonial contexts for thousands of years.
B. Psychological interpretation- Others see them as temporary changes in brain networks, a chemically induced shift in perception and awareness. No supernatural meaning â just a different mode of consciousness. Neuroscience shows that psychedelics temporarily quiet the part of the brain that creates your sense of self and keeps track of your body. When that system goes offline, you can feel like âIâ has disappeared, etc.
C. Neutral or frightening interpretation- Some people find the experience overwhelming, confusing, terrifying, and disorienting. People in this category (those who initially find the experience frightening, overwhelming, or confusing) can later interpret the experience as spiritual. When someone is in the middle of a very intense psychedelic state â especially one involving ego dissolution or loss of body awareness â the immediate reaction can be: âThis is too much.â, âIâm losing control.â, âIâm dying.â, âThis is terrifying.â But once the experience ends and the person returns to normal consciousness, a shift can happen hours, days, or even months later: as the brain tries to make sense of intense experiences, a person may reinterpret the experience as meaningful, transformative, and spiritual.
A frightening or chaotic experience can later be reframed as a breakthrough, a confrontation with the self, a symbolic death and rebirth, a spiritual awakening.
Many people who initially have a terrifying or confusing psychedelic experience later describe it as âthe most important experience of my lifeâ, âa spiritual awakeningâ, âa confrontation with my egoâ, âa message from the universeâ, âa turning pointâ. So, even when the acute psychedelic effects â visuals, distortions, ego dissolution â do not continue once the substance is metabolized, the meaning of the experience can stay (Category A) or reinterpreted (Category C).
People can have the same psychedelic experience and come away with opposite conclusions: one becomes spiritual, another becomes nihilistic, another becomes anxious, and yet, another- grateful. The drug doesnât choose the meaning â the person does.
If someone already had cracks in their worldview, psychedelics can widen them. If a person was already depressed, hopeless, distrustful, had existential anxiety.. a massive psychedelic experience can amplify those feelings instead of healing them. This can lead to a worldview like: âNothing matters. Everything is pointless.â
Psychedelics open the door â but the person decides what the experience means.
Personally, I never did psychedelics and never will.. !
Thank you, James, for this learning experience.
Anita
December 26, 2025 at 9:10 pm #453395
anitaParticipantIt’s been a while since I wrote whatever comes to mind in regard to my mother, the most powerful figure in my life-
Whatever comes to mind:
There’s an UNBRIDGABLE distance between what/ who I WISHED she was.. and.. what she was.
The endless CRAVING for love.. ahh.. the craving. As in, the most WONDERFUL thing in the world would come true.. if she’d only love me.
LOVE me.. Imagine.. The magic in it. The craving for this magic- endless.
The DESIRE to be loved by her: endless.. And futile. A never to be satisfied DESIRE.
It’s a thirst that can never be quenched.
LOVE ME! LOVE ME! LOVE ME! is the scream coming out of my deepest (inner child) self.
LOVE ME, PLEASE, LOVE ME!
.. Not in her heart, not capable, just.. not there, not there for me, bypassing me… bit of seeming affection here and there, interrupted by HATE.. Yes, hating me.
Every single hour of my life, every hour I’m awake, I feel her hate in the tics/ tension in my body. (easing these days)
Mothers.. some/ too many mothers feel so JUSTIFIED in hating their children, excited to finally be FREE to redirect abuse to the next generation= the defenseless.
It’s a relief for them- to be on the other side of abuse.. (to no longer be the abused, but the victory (to be the ones in power, the abusers!) Ahh.. How much better it feels to Abuse than to Be Abused.
And then the breadcrumbs they throw your way.. to keep you hooked.
Ahh.. Evil.
December 26, 2025 at 7:47 pm #453394
anitaParticipantHey, Confused: She should have never, ever, never called you “retard, moron”, or a “nothing”, not a single time!
“To be fair, she would call me nice words”- no, it doesn’t make it fair.
My mother too said nice things- in-between the hateful things she said. All it did was to confuse me.
There’s no “equal time” for hate/abuse, as in neutralizing the hate/ abuse with nice words.
Anita
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