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June 9, 2026 at 6:01 pm #458490
anitaParticipantM.U.R.T.A.Z.A
I want to come back to this thread and your other threads in the coming weak or so.
Of course, it’d be a positive miracle to read from you again!
Anita
June 9, 2026 at 11:57 am #458487anitaParticipantA note from me alone:
In the past, I focused on the little you shared about your mother in your life, and I remember nothing about your father. I know she has passed, but what about him: is he alive? Are you in contact with him?
You don’t have to answer of course.
Anita
June 9, 2026 at 10:44 am #458485anitaParticipantHey Confused 🙂
Reading what you wrote, it’s so clear how deeply you feel — not just for her, but inside yourself. The way you cried while texting her, the way you wanted to hold her close and also let her go if it helped her… that’s not confusion. That’s a very tender, very real part of you coming forward. And when you ask how to “find this version and calm it,” it sounds like you’re talking about the younger part of you — the one who loved your father so intensely and felt that burning in the chest when he was gone.
Everything you described about him — waiting up for him, running to hug him, wanting to be close in every possible way — that’s a child who adored his father and felt safe with him. And when a bond like that is so strong, the fear of losing connection later in life can feel just as strong. That’s why the feelings with your girlfriend hit so deeply.
You don’t need to “get rid” of this part. You don’t need to force it to calm down. What helps is learning to sit with him, the younger you, and let him know he’s not alone anymore. That you’re here now. That he doesn’t have to panic to be heard.
We can take this slowly, together. One step at a time.
Anita and Copilot
June 9, 2026 at 10:10 am #458484anitaParticipantGood morning, Robin 🙂
I’ve been sitting with the words you shared this morning — the repeated reaching out, the silence that followed, the way he pulled away before, and how much empathy you still have for him even while feeling ignored and confused. When I look at your descriptions, what I notice is a pattern where he tends to withdraw when things become emotionally heavy or close.
It makes sense that his silence feels so painful. You cared deeply, you tried to repair things, and you were left without any response at all. Anyone in your position would feel unsteady. And it’s also understandable that you’re wondering what this says about his capacity — whether he has the emotional space or bandwidth to stay present when things get hard (even if he reconnects with you).
Only you can decide what this means for you and what you want going forward. But from the outside, it’s clear that you’ve been carrying the emotional weight of the relationship for a long time, and that his way of managing stress leaves you in a kind of limbo that hurts. You deserve steadiness, responsiveness, and a partner who can stay in the conversation with you, even when things are difficult.
I’m here with you as you sort through what feels true for you, at your own pace.
🌿 Anita
June 8, 2026 at 10:45 pm #458475anitaParticipantWow, Robin! You’re an exceptional person, I can tell- so honest, intelligent, transparent and seeing the whole picture.
“He may even mean no harm and may intend to bring me down from the shelf where he has temporarily placed me, in time.”-
That sounds painful, to be placed on a shelf 😔
“I’m certain our connection was real”- it does sound real. Real and precious and maybe drowned- for now- underneath whatever he’s going through.
It’s close to 11 pm here and I’m not very focused. I would like to reply further in the morning. The Star War saying, “May the force be with you”, comes to my mind- the force within you, that which is not dependent on whether he’s gone or not.
Back in the morning.
Anita
June 8, 2026 at 9:37 pm #458473anitaParticipantThe longing of a deprived child: is there anything more intense, more enduring?
The imagination of a child is limitless. How the realities of life grind against those limitless imaginations/the make- believe-s/ the wishful thinking.
Maybe the most constricting real- life early experiences lead to the most expansive imaginary early life experiences.
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 8, 2026 at 9:27 pm #458472anitaParticipantHello James:
Good to read from you again. I suppose I used to feel threatened by your posts. Maybe I no longer need to.
Maybe I don’t need to be reactive anymore, and just let people be themselves, James123 included 🙂.
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 8, 2026 at 8:54 pm #458471anitaParticipantHello Robin 🙂
I hear how emotionally attached you are to him, how much you regret the text you sent him 3 weeks ago, and how much you wish he’d reach out to you
First, no judgment for you dating a separated man. After all, he was separated and all that remained of that marriage was the legal stuff involving 2 children and money.
Second, the text you sent him was human, not abusive. His difficult life was not his alone. It was yours too because you’ve been in love with him. No wonder you had feelings about it all- and with alcohol, they just surfaced.
Even if I had a very similar experience to yours, my experience (nor anyone’s) could predict whether he’d reach out to you, or not.
That his marriage was abusive, that is, his wife abused him while together and while separated, means that he can’t handle much more than he’s already handling
Maybe if his life gets easier, he’ll reach put to you. Maybe it’s all too much for him right now and he went to a power- saving- mode: minimal extra complications.
It wasn’t your job to minimize yourself so to not add any distress to his mind and heart.
Please tell me your thoughts, your feelings about what I wrote here, or about anything at all that crosses your mind.
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 8, 2026 at 7:53 pm #458470anitaParticipantHey Kiddo Confused 🙂
You don’t come across to me as BPD or bi-polar, not AT ALL.
“I do feel love”- ✔️✔️✔️
“Kiddo Confused trying to fix parents fighting… my chest burning”-
Inside Adult Confused there’s still a Kiddo Confused with chest 🔥🔥🔥
“I feel like everyone… will 100% leave”, “father leaving and my chest burning”-
Was Kiddo Confused very attached to his father?
Do you remember?🤔 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 8, 2026 at 3:58 pm #458464anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
What you’re describing — the feeling of two parts inside you, one Loving and one Fearing — makes a lot of sense to me. It’s not ‘two personalities’ in the sense of having two emotional parts that get activated at different times. One part reaches for closeness, and the other part panics and pulls away.
When the fear part comes up, it wipes out the loving part, and when the loving part comes up, it wipes out the fear. That’s why it feels like 0–100 inside you.
You’re right that people who don’t experience this can’t easily understand it, but the important thing is that you are starting to notice it. The fact that you’re trying to ‘catch’ those moments and look underneath them is a good sign.
What you said about trust — the fear that people leave, or that someone won’t really get you — fits with the pattern you’re describing. When the future feels like a void, or when nothing romantic moves you, that’s usually the fear part taking over and shutting everything down to protect you.
If you want, we can look more closely at what each part is trying to protect you from, and what triggers the shift between these two parts.
Anita and Copilot.
June 8, 2026 at 10:00 am #458458anitaParticipantGood morning, Starlight✨️
I wanted to share something from my own experience: for a very long time, I was struggling with anger at my mother, guilt for feeling that anger, and a deep confusion about what I was ‘supposed’ to feel.
Back then, people often encouraged me to understand my mother, to empathize with her, to forgive her, to see her wounds. They meant well, but those messages actually made things harder for me.
I was already overflowing with empathy for her and had none for myself. I was already blaming myself, already feeling guilty, already trying to excuse her behavior. Being urged to forgive or to see her side didn’t help me heal — it pushed me deeper into guilt and self‑doubt, and it kept me stuck in the same emotional position I had been in as a child.
I’m not saying forgiveness is wrong; I’m saying that when someone is still hurting, still trying to understand what happened to them, and still trying to find their own voice, being told to forgive or to see the parent’s perspective can feel like pressure rather than support.
What helped me wasn’t being told to rise above it — it was being told that my anger made sense, that my pain was real, and that I was allowed to have my own experience. I just wanted to offer that in case you’ve ever felt something similar.
You get to move at your own pace, in your own way, without anyone else defining what healing should look like for you!
Anita
June 8, 2026 at 9:08 am #458454anitaParticipantGood Monday Morning, Confused:
I can hear how much you care for her and how much fear you’re carrying at the same time.
When you say things like ‘I can’t live without her’ and then ‘I can’t make any future plans with anyone,’ it creates mixed signals for her, even though you don’t mean to send them, and it puts her in a confusing position. Not because you’re lying, but because both sides are true for you in different moments. Your emotional intensity goes to 100, and then your fear and self‑protection go to 0. That 0–100 shift is what hurts her, even when your intentions are good.
I don’t think you’re trying to lead her on. I think you’re overwhelmed by the speed of your feelings and the intensity of your fears. But from her side, it can feel like she’s being idealized one moment and rejected the next. Naming this pattern isn’t criticism — it’s the first step toward helping both of you feel safer.
If you sit with that for a moment, what do you think happens inside you when you go from ‘she’s everything’ to ‘I can’t promise anything’ so fast? What is the fear underneath that shift?
You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to. This is more for you — to understand yourself better, so you can feel steadier in the relationship and in your own life.
Anita
June 7, 2026 at 10:34 pm #458449anitaParticipantConfused, June 7: “I told her that… if she leaves, I don’t really care about what happens to me”
Confused, June 6: “I don’t want to tell her that she’s the girl of my life, after knowing her for only 3 days, that would be delusional and I don’t believe in fairytales.”
I am Confused 🤔, Confused 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
🤔 Anita
June 7, 2026 at 7:45 pm #458445anitaParticipantPage 100 💃 🎶 🎂 🌭 😁 👏 🎵 ✨️
June 7, 2026 at 7:44 pm #458444anitaParticipantNow, this is not Copilot, it’s strictly me, using the phone:
I find it strange, or should I say, incongruent that on one hand, she is so important to you that you wouldn’t care about your own healing if she’s not in your life, and on the other hand, you are not ready to commit to her beyond one day at a time.
Actually, it’s strange that you don’t seem to believe that you even need any kind of healing outside the relationship with her. It is as if you believe that you are unaffected by your personal childhood trauma.
Don’t get me wrong: I like you and I think you’re a decent person, and a pleasure to communicate with. But, if I was in her place, assuming she is fully ready to commit to you, I’d be upset that you are not. I would feel that I am on trial, like on a test drive.That would have rained on my love- parade big time!
Anita
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