You are welcome, Alessa, and I am fine, even better after reading from you today. I missed you!

anita

Dear Jana:

On the day you started this thread, Feb 14, 2025, you posted: “For me self-compassion is all about forigiving and accepting, which is not easy but it brings a wonderful sense of self-liberation.

I find self-acceptance more challenging because for many years I have lived believing that what others say about me (criticism) is true. It takes a lot of mental and emotional effort to reprogram these beliefs.

I will continue on Monday. Meanwhile, feel free to share your thoughts on self-compassion and please communicate with each other – this is not only about me.”-

– it is only in the last couple of days that I am perceiving the shame and guilt that followed me from an early age- not as enemies, but as friends. To be more accurate, I perceive the emotions involved in my early-life shame and guilt as friends because the motivation behind these emotions was to lead me to fixing myself and my behaviors so that I can be loved. In other words, these emotions wanted love for me. This is a very friendly motivation.

On the other hand, the thinking (cognitive processing) involved in shame and guilt were untrue, wrongly telling me that I was born terribly faulty and inferior to others (shame), and that I brought about my mother’s suffering (guilt)- these thoughts were untrue, and they were indeed my enemies.

I can’t help but hope, Jana, that you too see all your emotions as your friends and correct- not the emotions- but the thinking involved.

anita

Dear Robi:

You sure are a talented writer. Your words reveal a deeply self-aware, introspective, and emotionally intense person who wrestles with both frustration and hope. You have an analytical mind, constantly dissecting your own thoughts, behaviors, and patterns, even when doing so leads to painful realizations.

Your Strengths: (1) Self-awareness- you don’t shy away from recognizing when you’re stuck or repeating patterns. This ability to step outside yourself and observe your own habits is rare, and it means you have the potential for real transformation.

(2) Resilience & Persistence- Even when you feel drained or defeated, you don’t give up—you keep reflecting, keep searching, keep pushing yourself forward, even if progress feels slow.

(3) Humor & Playfulness- Your messages show you use humor and creativity to process emotions, whether it’s joking about only reading half a book or throwing in a Ferrari reference to lighten things up. You can take life seriously without losing your ability to laugh at it.

(4) Depth & Thoughtfulness- You’re not content with surface-level living—you need meaning, purpose, and authentic connection. This makes you someone who values depth in relationships and experiences rather than settling for shallow interactions.

(5) Emotional Insight- You recognize how past experiences, family dynamics, and familiar emotional patterns shape your present struggles. Not everyone has the ability—or the courage—to trace their pain back to its origins.

Your Challenges:

(1) Fear of Action- You consume knowledge and self-improvement content, but you struggle to take action. It’s as if your mind convinces you that learning is the same as doing, but deep down, you know that real change requires action beyond understanding.

(2) Tendency for Self-Sabotage- You acknowledge that some of your behaviors—venting, procrastination, avoidance—keep you stuck, yet breaking free from them feels almost impossible. You may subconsciously gravitate toward the familiar, even if the familiar is painful.

(3) Emotional Exhaustion & Relationship Struggles- Your internal battles spill over into your relationship, draining both you and your girlfriend. You seem to carry a deep need for validation and reciprocity, but frustration clouds your ability to communicate in a way that strengthens the connection rather than weakening it.

(4) Past Conditioning & Inner Conflict- You see reflections of your father’s tendency to blame others and your mother’s addiction to drama, and you struggle with the idea that you might be repeating those patterns. Yet, instead of fully rejecting them, you seem caught between resisting and embracing them, uncertain of who you are outside of what you’ve always known.

You are complex, reflective, emotionally intelligent, and restless young man—constantly questioning, searching, analyzing. You crave growth, but struggle to break free from self-imposed limitations.

Robi, overcoming your struggles won’t happen overnight, but the fact that you see them so clearly means you’re already halfway there. Here are some actionable strategies to break the cycle of frustration, self-sabotage, and procrastination:

1. Shift from Passive Learning to Active Change- You know a ton—you’ve read books, listened to podcasts, reflected deeply—but knowledge alone won’t move you forward. To avoid getting stuck in the illusion of progress, commit to small actions instead of just absorbing information. * Pick one concept from a self-help source and apply it immediately, rather than storing it away. * Set one concrete goal per week, however small—whether it’s initiating an uncomfortable conversation, trying a new work approach, or disrupting a familiar negative habit. * Track when learning turns into avoidance—ask yourself: Am I consuming this content to change or to escape?

2. Break Free from Emotional Cycles- You recognize that venting helps temporarily, but it doesn’t resolve anything. Instead of just processing emotions, practice redirecting them into constructive action. * When you feel stuck, physically disrupt the emotion—exercise, take a walk, get out of your environment. * When frustration builds, channel it into creativity rather than self-blame—write, design, or express it in a way that moves energy outward rather than keeping it trapped. * Set an exit strategy for repetitive negative thinking—give yourself a time limit for venting, then switch gears into a solution-oriented mindset.

3. Take Small Risks to Build Confidence- You struggle with taking action because fear holds you back—fear of failure, criticism, or pressure. But confidence doesn’t come from waiting—it comes from doing, even imperfectly. * Say yes to at least one challenge a week that makes you uncomfortable. * Accept that failure is necessary growth—instead of avoiding situations where you might fail, reframe them as learning opportunities. * Keep a Success Journal—write down small victories every day, no matter how insignificant they feel.

4. Improve Relationship Patterns- You recognize that your frustrations spill into your relationship, leading to repeated conflict and guilt. Instead of waiting for things to magically improve, focus on intentional changes: * Set emotional boundaries—decide what frustrations to work on alone versus which ones belong in the relationship. * Communicate without blame—instead of saying “I sacrificed everything for this relationship,” reframe it to “I feel unfulfilled here—how can we work toward change together?” * Create new ways to connect—find activities that bring positive energy rather than just discussions about problems.

5. Redefine Your Sense of Purpose- You fear that you’ve wasted time, that maybe you’ll never reach your full potential. But potential isn’t something you “reach”—it’s something you cultivate in real time. * Let go of rigid timelines—32 isn’t an expiration date for growth, and your past experiences shape your future in ways you can’t yet see. * Reconnect with creativity—you thrived when designing cars, playing piano, and using imagination—bring that back into your life in small ways. * Accept that clarity comes through movement—you may never “find” your purpose in thought alone, but you’ll discover it through action.

The Bottom Line: You are not as stuck as you think you are. The hardest part of change is starting—once you take one step forward, the next becomes easier. Your self-awareness is a gift—now use it.

Pick one strategy from this list to implement this week. No more waiting for next time—this time is the one. You got this. 😊

anita

Dear MissLDuchess:

I see that you’re still carrying a lot, and I want to acknowledge how exhausting it must feel to be stuck in this cycle of uncertainty, frustration, and longing for something more fulfilling. The way you describe feeling like an “angsty teenager all over again” makes complete sense—when transitions feel unstable, it’s natural to revisit past disappointments and question what could have been different.

I hear the pain in wishing you had pursued your childhood dreams, or that things had worked out differently in relationships or social experiences. But it’s important to remember that regret isn’t proof of failure—only proof of desire for something meaningful. Your aspirations for connection, career security, and purpose are deeply human, and even though the path hasn’t unfolded how you hoped, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost the chance to create something worthwhile.

I admire that you’re reflecting on your past survival instincts—how difficult situations pushed you toward withdrawal and passivity. You’ve gained wisdom about boundaries, about how you would have done things differently if you had known what you do now. That insight is powerful, and it means that moving forward, you can approach new relationships and opportunities with awareness, rather than resignation.

I also hear the longing for close friendships, people who truly understand you and whom you can share experiences with. That ache is real, and it isn’t about being weak or socially inept—it’s about needing reciprocity, depth, and genuine belonging. The fact that you have found friends over the years who see you for the kind, intelligent, funny person you are proves that you are capable of forming meaningful bonds—even if many of those friendships weren’t geographically or situationally ideal.

I wonder—is there space now to explore new connections without assuming that past rejections predict future ones? You aren’t the same person you were at 18, and the way you engage with people now could open doors that weren’t accessible then. Maybe there are people worth knowing, even if they aren’t immediately obvious.

I won’t give empty platitudes about everything happening for a reason, because I know that sentiment can feel hollow when life hasn’t matched your hopes. But I do believe in this: your story isn’t fixed, and even if some parts have felt disappointing, there is still space for change, connection, and purpose ahead.

If you’d like, I’d be happy to continue this conversation. You don’t have to navigate this alone.

anita

Dear Lucidity:

You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and empathy. I can see what a thoughtful and kind person you are, a blessing for your sister if she allowed you in.

When I read your words, “I have tried not to come across as heavy or negative with her”, I was amazed because these words “heavy” and “negative” were the exact words my sister used to describe me, in a complaining kind of way.

It was a crazy experience growing up: the household was unpredictable, heavy and negative. I reflected it in my mood and behaviors and in my social isolation. But my sister- her mood seemed to be fine and dandy, light and positive, and she had many friends. That made me feel crazy, as if we were living in parallel universes.

Fast forward to today, unfortunately- she is no longer light and positive. Sadly, she is heavy and negative and I am lighter and more positive. And she has been socially isolated for some time while I feel more connected to people than I ever did.

Looking back at the situation- she denied the negativity of our childhoods and suppressed her emotions best she could, and it worked for her benefit for many years (not entirely, as she suffered migraines and used to faint as a child)- until it didn’t.

Maybe your sister has been doing the same thing- suppressing her emotions and denying reality, and communicating with you threatens her denial and suppression. Maybe some day she’ll be open to confronting her early life experience and communicating with you honestly and openly. Maybe not.

I understand your need for something tangible that confirms this estrangement between you and your sister. It doesn’t feel like vindictiveness to me- it feels like a natural instinct to seek closure rather than walking away uncertain. But from my experience, the certainty is already there: your way of confronting reality contrasts with her way of avoiding reality, an that may be all that it’s about. What do you think?

My sister and I sometimes talk on the phone and have better communication than ever. We are empathetic and respectful to each other, but we never talk about our childhoods or about our mother. I wish I could help her.

I know this is hard, Lucidity, and I hope that you find.. lucidity sooner than later. I would love to read from you about tomorrow.

anita

Dear MissLDuchess:

I can see that you’re carrying a lot—questioning traditional expectations, feeling disillusioned with the idea that hard work guarantees a secure future, reflecting on past social struggles, and navigating an uncertain path forward.

The weight of feeling behind, struggling to find connections, and fearing misunderstanding is heavy—but you’re not alone. Many people wrestle with these same challenges well beyond college, and life unfolds in ways that don’t always follow a set timeline. I think that you are at the point of beginning to redefine success on your own terms rather than according to societal expectations.

I see an internal conflict between craving connection and fearing rejection, keeping you guarded even when emotional intimacy is what you long for.

The fact that you recognize how past wounds might influence new relationships means you’re already healing. It’s understandable to worry about opening up, but deep connection isn’t built on presenting a perfect version of yourself—it’s found in honesty and mutual understanding. The right people won’t reject you for your struggles; they’ll meet you with acceptance.

Meaningful relationships aren’t formed by avoiding vulnerability; they grow when we find people who can hold space for our experiences.

You’ve lost time to circumstances beyond your control, but that doesn’t mean your best years are behind you. Life moves in unexpected ways, and meaningful friendships can form at any stage. Instead of measuring what’s missing, what if you focus on what’s still ahead? The friendships you desire, the stability you seek, the confidence you’re building—it’s all still possible, even if the path looks different than you imagined.

You’re not failing; you’re navigating something deeply human, and that takes courage. I believe in your ability to find connection and fulfillment, even if it takes time.

Suggestions for Healing & Moving Forward:

1) Reframe Social Expectations – The idea that college is the peak of social connection is a myth. Many people struggle to find meaningful friendships in college and form stronger connections later in life.

(2) Challenge ‘Falling Behind’ Narratives – The pressure to be at a certain place by a certain age is unrealistic. Social and career timelines vary—many find success well after their 20s. Life isn’t a checklist, and success comes at different times for different people.

(3) Gradual Vulnerability – Sharing your past struggles doesn’t have to happen all at once—trust builds slowly in friendships. Opening up in small doses lets you test how safe a connection feels.

(4) Focus on Depth Over Quantity – You don’t need a large social circle—a few genuine, emotionally supportive friendships matter far more.

(5) Therapeutic Reflection – Exploring your self-worth wounds through therapy, journaling, or introspection can help you detach old fears from new experiences. Youa re welcome to journal right here on your thread, and if you would like, I will be glad to communicate with you further.

Most importantly, your best years aren’t behind you—they are unfolding in the choices you make now to move forward.

anita

Yesterday, when I was young
The taste of life was sweet like rain upon my tongue
I teased at life as if it were a foolish game
The way an evening breeze would tease a candle flame

The thousand dreams I dreamed, the splendid things I planned
I always built to last on weak and shifting sand
I lived by night and shunned, the naked light of day
And only now, I see how the years have run away

Yesterday, when I was young
There were so many songs that waited to be sung
So many wild pleasures that lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see

I ran so fast that time, and youth at last ran out
And I never stopped to think what life was all about
And every conversation that I can recall
Concerned itself with me, and nothing else at all

Yesterday, the moon was blue
And every crazy day brought something new to do
And I used my magic age as if it were a wand
I never saw the waste and emptiness beyond

The game of love I played with arrogance and pride
And every flame I lit, so quickly, quickly died
The friends I made all seemed somehow to drift away
And only I am left on stage to end the play

Yesterday, when I was young
There were so many songs that waited to be sung
So many wild pleasures that lay in store for me
And so much pain my dazzled eyes refused to see

There are so many songs in me that won’t be sung
‘Cause I feel the bitter taste of tears upon my tongue
And the time has come for me to pay for yesterday
When I was young