Dear Sonia:

It’s interesting that you said “I am anxious as a kid”, present tense. I know part of me is still the same kid I was half a century ago.

What made you an 😟 anxious kid?

🤍 Anita

Dear Sonia:

It makes sense that you care about your friend — you’ve been carrying his pain on your shoulders for a long time. But caring for someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. It’s okay to step back when the emotional load becomes too heavy.

You’re not responsible for managing his depression or preventing his bad days. That’s his work, not yours. Wanting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re abandoning him — it means you’re finally taking care of yourself.

A real friendship can survive healthy distance. And if he struggles, that doesn’t mean you caused it. You’re allowed to protect your own mental health.

I wonder if you grew up, Sonia, with an anxious, depressed parent who suffered a lot?

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Confused:

The Serenity Prayer comes to mind: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.

The purpose of this prayer is to eliminate the resistance to what we wish was different but that which we cannot change, and in so doing, to lower our anxiety and direct our energy to what we CAN change.

Because there’s so much in life that is uncertain and so much that cannot be guaranteed, we have to endure a certain amount of anxiety. Expecting someone else to calm that anxiety for us on a regular or ongoing basis (more than a moment here, a moment there) is putting too much pressure on the other person.

And pressuring yourself to calm another person’s anxiety (more often than a moment here, a moment there) is putting too much pressure on yourself.

What do you think about what I just wrote?

You wrote yesterday: “I make a lot of excuses for my parents and for most people and their behaviours, I know that. I always see their side of the story and be quick to validate them, often leading to neglecting my own feelings and side.”-

This may be your way to calm other people’s anxiety: to focus on their feelings and to quickly validate them while neglecting your own feelings. Is it?

You also wrote yesterday: “Chaos feels so natural to me and I often thrive in chaotic work environments, I noticed that in most of my relationships, when things flow easy and calm for too long, I instigate some ‘drama’ to keep the spark alive. Not anything serious though.”-

I wonder how you’ve instigated drama in your relationships, examples?

🤍 Anita

I am going to retire for the night 🌙 soon. Be back Mon morning 🌄.

But for now, think of it, Confused: You are NOT responsible for her feelings, the two of you are adults, equally adults. She is responsible for her feelings, same as you are responsible for yours.

Her feelings are not your responsibility.

🤍🌙🤍 Anita

It sounds to me like you (Confused) took on the emotional ROLE of a parent in regard to her, like she’s your child for whom you- as a parent of some sort- are responsible for.

While in reality, the two of you are about the same age..???

Hmm… “have to”, feeling an obligation, a responsibility is.. what’s the words, it 🤔 rains on the parade of love and spontaneity. It’s no longer fun and open. It’s a JOB. ??

Hey Confused:

You are very welcome 🙏 I am glad 😊 reading from you this Sun evening (here).

I understand that you don’t see a connection between your mother and your romantic partners. I don’t see a connection either. The connection I see 👀 is in between your reactions to your mother AND your reactions to your partners, or maybe better say the emotional dynamics:

Craving closeness, fearing closeness; giving more than receiving, and like you just wrote, seeking chaos because.. you tell me, if you will (because I’m a bit confused right now ☺️

🤍 Anita

Dear Tom:

Then keeping your head down at work and looking for a different job, a different work environment makes perfect sense. I hope it will happen sooner than later 🙂 🤞

🤍 Anita