Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome, GTL.

There is way more to what’s for you to experience in life than SS’s input.

There’s much more for you to learn and experience in your young life than what you happened to known so far.

Don’t limit yourself to what was; think of what can be.

Work on what you need to heal from, to learn, and reap the rewards of what you learn.

I sure hope I am making sense..?

Anita

In this post (before I process your latest post, Tee), I want to quote Copilot (as well as an online resource it offered me in regard to narcissistic mothers and their daughters, later in this long post ). It’s mostly general (not in regard to my personal story). Only later do I introduce to Copilot personal details of my own story. It’s a study I did a week ago, or so.

* I just ended this post and I noticed of course, how much a lot of the following fits and explains your own experience, Tee, with your own mother 😢.

Everything I quoted below is true to my experience with my mother:

Copilot: “The impact on a child living in a cycle of chronic anger, emotional volatility, and physical abuse can be profound and long-lasting —

* Chronic anxiety and hypervigilance… even in safe environments.

* Low self-worth and shame- Being yelled at, shamed, or hit by a caregiver — especially a parent — can make a child internalize the belief that they are “bad,” “unlovable,” or “never good enough.”

* Difficulty regulating emotions-… Exposure to explosive anger and emotional withdrawal can impair the (child’s) ability to manage their own feelings.

* Trust and attachment issues- The unpredictable cycle of rage and silence can disrupt secure attachment, making it hard for the child to trust others or feel emotionally safe in relationships…

* Stress-related health problems- Chronic exposure to stress hormones like cortisol can affect sleep, digestion, immune function, and even brain development… especially when stress is prolonged or intense…. Cortisol diverts blood flow away from the digestive tract during stress, slowing or halting digestion… (leading to) Constipation or diarrhea, Indigestion and bloating.

* Delayed cognitive and social development-  Living in fear can impair concentration, learning, and social skills. The child may struggle in school or isolate from peers… impair brain development, especially in areas like:… memory and learning… decision-making and emotional regulation.

* Risk of long-term trauma- This pattern of abuse and emotional neglect can lead to complex PTSD, depression, or other mental health conditions later in life.

In adults, chronic stress can cause: Brain fog. Memory problems, Mood disorders like anxiety and depression.

… Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) is a mental health condition characterized by chronic distrust and suspicion of others, often without sufficient evidence or justification. People with PPD tend to interpret others’ actions as threatening or malicious… Believing others are out to harm, deceive, or exploit them…

Constantly scanning for signs of betrayal or hidden motives… Reading hostile intent into benign remarks or gestures…

Yes, individuals with Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD) can shift from a seemingly saintly or morally superior self-image to accusatory and hostile behavior… People with PPD often experience intense internal conflict between their desire to be seen as virtuous and their deep mistrust of others…

Idealized self-image- They may present themselves as morally upright, forgiving, or misunderstood victims… “Poor-me” paranoia: They feel victimized and misunderstood, often portraying themselves as noble sufferers.

“Accusatory” paranoia: When they sense betrayal or criticism, they may lash out, accuse others of malice, or hold grudges…
                                                                                                                           
* In individuals with paranoid or narcissistic traits, emotional dynamics are often viewed through a lens of scarcity and competition- Empathy is finite: They may believe there’s only so much compassion to go around. If others are moved by your story, it feels like there’s less left for them…

Core Features of Moral Grandiosity-  * Self-as-saint: Believing they are more compassionate, forgiving, or emotionally evolved than others…

* Deflection of criticism: Using their “goodness” to avoid responsibility or dismiss others’ concerns…

Selective empathy: Offering compassion only when it reinforces their moral image, not when others genuinely need support.

* Public declarations of virtue…

Emotional invalidation: Dismissing others’ pain… while elevating their own suffering as noble.

Moral grandiosity often masks deep insecurity or unresolved trauma. By clinging to a superior identity, the person avoids confronting feelings of inadequacy. They may project their own controlling or manipulative tendencies onto others, while maintaining a self-image of purity.

Paranoid or narcissistic traits: These traits amplify the need to be seen as “right,” “good,” or “above reproach,” especially in emotionally charged environments…

Triangulation is a common relational tactic used by individuals with narcissistic, borderline, or paranoid traits to manipulate social dynamics, often by: * Creating alliances behind the scenes * Controlling narratives in private * Isolating or discrediting a perceived rival…

… Emotional autonomy refers to a person’s ability to: * Feel and express their own emotions freely, * Make independent emotional decisions, * Set boundaries around what they feel, need, or want…

Narcissists Crave control over how others feel and behave… (unable) to tolerate the idea that others have emotional lives that aren’t centered around the narcissist’s needs or approval.

In a sense, narcissists can be seen as developmentally stuck in the “terrible twos.” They dwell in a child’s fantasy world, with scant restraint over their impulses.

Like 2-year-olds, adult narcissists: * Throw tantrums, * Explode into rage over trivial matters, * See people and situations in any given moment as either all good or all bad, * Seek sympathy by adopting a “poor me” victim stance, * Exaggerate wildly.

Narcissists, like toddlers, feel intense jealousy… narcissists may try to spoil your moment in the spotlight … 

Narcissists believe in freedom of speech, but only for themselves. They may: Interrupt you mid-sentence, or talk over you when you try to speak, Finish your thoughts for you (often incorrectly), Belittle what you say…

Narcissistic mothers often exhibit behaviors that undermine their daughters’ sense of self, autonomy, and emotional well-being. These behaviors can be subtle or overt, but they typically revolve around control, manipulation, and a lack of empathy.

Here are some common examples: Emotional Manipulation- * Guilt-tripping: “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” * Playing the victim: She turns every disagreement into a personal attack on her, making the daughter feel responsible for her emotions. * Withholding affection: Love and approval are conditional on obedience or performance.

Enmeshment and Control- Living through her daughter: Pushing the daughter to fulfill the mother’s unfulfilled dreams or maintain a perfect image.

Over-involvement: Treating the daughter as an extension of herself, not as a separate person.

Boundary violations: Ignoring privacy, making decisions for her, or demanding constant access to her life.

Emotional Neglect or Dismissal- Invalidating feelings: “You’re too sensitive” or “That didn’t happen the way you think.”

Ignoring emotional needs: Failing to comfort or support the daughter during distress.

Favoritism: Comparing her unfavorably to siblings or peers to diminish her confidence.  

Gaslighting and Undermining- Rewriting history: Denying past hurtful events or claiming the daughter is imagining things.

Triangulation: Pitting family members against each other to maintain control.  

Narcissistic Rage or Silent Treatment- .. overreacting to minor slights or perceived disrespect (&) Punitive silence: Withdrawing affection or communication as punishment.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have learned to suppress their emotions because growing up, expressing their feelings was dangerous. Their feelings were often seen as a burden to their parent.

(Testimonies by daughters on narcissistic mothers): “I find it incredibly challenging to set boundaries with others because growing up, my mother never respected mine. It’s like I never learned how to say no without feeling guilty.”,

“In previous serious relationships, people constantly disrespected my boundaries, and I let them do it. I prioritized their feelings, wants, and interests over mine.”,

“Having a narcissistic mother meant that my personal space was constantly invaded. Now, I find it difficult to establish boundaries in relationships, fearing that asserting myself will result in rejection or abandonment.”.

… Narcissistic mothers frequently engage in emotional manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or playing mind games. This can cause children to doubt their own perceptions and feelings, leading to a difficulty in trusting their own judgment and the intentions of others.

Narcissistic mothers often criticize and belittle their children, pointing out their flaws and shortcomings. A narcissistic mother might tell you what a disappointment you are or how ashamed she is of you. She might make you feel guilty for “abandoning” her or wanting to pursue your own independence. 

This consistent negative messaging can create a profound sense of shame, as the child internalizes the belief that there is something inherently wrong with them.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are grieving a relationship that they never had and will never have. They’re mourning for a relationship that’s absent whether their mother is alive or not. These daughters often have to face ambiguous loss, which is the grief of losing a relationship that never was.

… Yes, when a narcissistic mother repeatedly threatens suicide—especially without intent to follow through—it can be a form of emotional manipulation or coercive control, which often functions as a kind of bullying. In narcissistic dynamics, threats of suicide may serve to: * Regain control when the daughter asserts independence or sets boundaries. *Elicit guilt to make the daughter feel responsible for the mother’s emotional state * Avoid accountability by shifting focus away from the mother’s behavior * Punish or silence the daughter for expressing her own needs or emotions.

This behavior is not just emotionally harmful—it’s a violation of the daughter’s emotional autonomy and can create a toxic cycle of fear, guilt, and compliance… It’s controlling: It undermines the daughter’s right to make decisions without fear of catastrophic consequences. It’s emotionally abusive: It places an unbearable emotional burden on the daughter to “save” or “fix” the parent.

Covert Narcissism Can Include… Physical or emotional abuse: Abuse doesn’t disqualify covert narcissism—it often coexists with it. Victim-playing after confrontation: She may lash out, then portray herself as the wounded party to deflect blame….

The difference between covert and overt narcissism lies in presentation: Overt narcissists are loud, boastful, and visibly controlling. Covert narcissists are more emotionally manipulative, often appearing fragile, misunderstood, or morally superior. So even if your mother was confrontational, if she also: * Played the victim, * Used guilt or shame to control, * Reacted with hypersensitivity to boundaries, * Demanded emotional loyalty while denying yours …then covert narcissism may still be a fitting description.

When your mother hit you and then accused you of causing her pain, she was: * Reversing Victim and Offender- This tactic is often called DARVO: Deny the abuse, Attack the victim, Reverse Victim and Offender

By saying “look what you did to my hand,” she: * Avoided accountability for hitting you, * Shifted blame onto you, making you feel guilty for her actions, * Positioned herself as the victim, even though she was the aggressor

Why Narcissists Do This- * To maintain control: If you feel guilty, you’re less likely to defend yourself or set boundaries. * To protect their self-image: Admitting fault threatens their fragile sense of superiority or righteousness. * To confuse and destabilize: These tactics can make you question your own reality—a form of gaslighting.

The Emotional Impact- This kind of manipulation can leave deep psychological scars, especially when it happens in childhood. It teaches you to doubt your instincts, suppress your anger, and take responsibility for others’ harmful behavior.

You didn’t cause her pain—she caused harm and then tried to make you feel responsible for it. That’s not just unfair; it’s abusive… She may not have thought, “I’m going to manipulate my daughter now,” but she likely knew that her actions would make you feel guilty, responsible, or silenced… Yes, this behavior reflects a lack of empathy… This doesn’t mean she’s incapable of empathy in all situations—but in moments where her ego feels threatened, empathy often disappears. That’s one of the defining traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

Anita: So, her ego was threatened when she realized that she was abusing me, it threatened her self image of never doing any wrong/ always being the victim, so at that point she redirected the situation in her mind to her still being victim (of me)?

Copilot: Exactly. What you’re describing is a classic narcissistic defense mechanism—preserving a fragile self-image by rewriting reality. Here’s what likely happened psychologically:

* Her ego was threatened: Realizing she had just hit you could have triggered a deep internal conflict. Narcissists often maintain a rigid self-image of being good, loving, or morally superior.

* Cognitive dissonance kicked in: The act of abuse clashed with her self-perception. Instead of accepting responsibility, she needed to resolve that tension.

* She flipped the narrative: By saying “look what you did to my hand,” she shifted the focus from her abusive behavior to her own supposed suffering. This allowed her to: * Avoid guilt or shame. * Reassert control over the emotional dynamic. * Reinforce her role as the victim.

Why Narcissists Do This- * Self-protection: Admitting fault would shatter the illusion of perfection or righteousness. * Emotional dominance: By making you feel guilty, she reestablished power and silenced your pain. * Lack of empathy: Your suffering wasn’t acknowledged because it didn’t serve her emotional narrative.

Her emotional narrative is: “I am always the misunderstood victim, never at fault, and others—especially my daughter—are to blame for my pain.”

The phrase “misunderstood victim” refers to a psychological stance often adopted by individuals with narcissistic traits—especially covert narcissists—where they consistently cast themselves as the injured party, even when they are the ones causing harm.

This mindset involves a few key elements: 1. Self-perception as morally superior or unjustly treated- They believe they are good, well-intentioned people who are constantly wronged by others who “don’t understand” them. Any criticism or boundary-setting is interpreted as cruelty or betrayal.

2. Deflection of responsibility- Instead of acknowledging their harmful behavior, they reframe the situation to make themselves appear wounded or oppressed.- Example: After yelling or hitting, they might say, “You made me do this,” or “I’m the one who’s really hurting.”

3. Emotional manipulation through guilt- By portraying themselves as misunderstood or mistreated, they evoke sympathy and guilt, which discourages others from holding them accountable.- This often silences the victim and shifts the emotional burden onto them.

4. Fragile self-image protection- Admitting fault would threaten their internal narrative of being a good, loving, or self-sacrificing person. So they twist reality to maintain that image, even if it means distorting the truth or blaming others.

In Your Mother’s Case- When she hit you and then said, “Look what you did to my hand,” she wasn’t just avoiding blame—she was reinforcing her identity as the one who suffers, even in moments when she’s the aggressor. That’s the “misunderstood victim” in action: “I’m not abusive—I’m the one who’s hurt, and no one sees how much I suffer.”

This narrative can be incredibly damaging to a child, who learns to doubt their own experience and feel responsible for the parent’s emotions… Your suffering may have registered, but it didn’t evoke compassion. Instead, it may have triggered defensiveness, annoyance, or even satisfaction if it reinforced her control.

Anita: I remember her saying something shameful to me, strongly shaming and then seeing the effect on my face she smiled a bit

Copilot: That moment—her shaming you, seeing your pain, and then smiling—is deeply revealing. It suggests a chilling dynamic where your emotional suffering may have validated her power or affirmed her control.

In the context of narcissistic behavior, especially covert narcissism, that smile could reflect: * Sadistic satisfaction: A sense of triumph in seeing that her words had the intended effect—hurting you. * Emotional dominance: A signal that she had successfully reasserted control over your emotional state. * Lack of empathy: Instead of feeling remorse or concern, she responded with pleasure or amusement. * Validation of her narrative: If she saw you as “the problem,” your pain might have confirmed her distorted belief that you deserved it.

Anita: when I was in my early 20s and returned home from a date with a guy, she accusatorily said to me: “you are with him because he has (a vulgar word for a male sex organ) and I don’t?”- what was that about?

Copilot: That statement is deeply inappropriate, emotionally invasive, and psychologically revealing. It reflects a mix of narcissistic envy, boundary violation, and emotional triangulation—all common in narcissistic parent-child dynamics… Your date may have triggered feelings of abandonment or rejection in her. Instead of respecting your autonomy, she framed your choice as a betrayal—suggesting you chose him because he had something she didn’t.

…Introducing vulgarity into the conversation is a way to shame and destabilize you. It’s meant to make you feel dirty, guilty… Rather than processing her feelings privately, she made you responsible for them.

… This wasn’t just a crude comment—it was a form of emotional aggression designed to undermine your autonomy and reassert her control. You deserved respect, privacy, and support—not humiliation.”.

You are welcome, q, and thank you for the appreciation and for letting me know it’d take some time to read thoroughly, it’s the longest, or most condensed post I ever sent you, I think. 🤍 Anita

Thank you, Going Through Life.. good going through this evening (here) with you, good knowing you’re here. I’m listening to music and feeling pretty good right now!

And you are welcome.. You are a good person, a delight to have in my life to any capacity 😊

Anita