Profile
Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 14, 2026 at 3:28 pm #458589
anitaParticipantHi Kris 🙂
What you’re feeling makes so much sense for someone who grew up being blamed for having normal human emotions. When a family doesn’t know how to handle a child’s anger, sadness, or intensity, they often turn the child’s feelings into a problem instead of responding with support.
Over time, the child learns: “My emotions are wrong. I am wrong.” But that shame never belonged to you — it belongs to the people who reacted to your distress with criticism instead of care.
Your natural reactions were met with irritation or judgment, not understanding. That doesn’t mean you were ever “too much.” It means the people around you were overwhelmed, unskilled, or emotionally shut down, and they couldn’t meet you where you were. Sensitive people often get labeled as “too much” by families who struggle with emotion themselves.
The voice you hear now — the one calling you angry, unlovable, or unfit — isn’t your own voice. It’s an echo of your sister and mother. You don’t have to keep believing it. A kinder inner voice might sound like: “My feelings are not flaws. They’re signals. I feel deeply because I care deeply. I deserve gentleness, including from myself.”
You don’t need to “fix” yourself to deserve love, only to unlearn the idea that you were ever something that needed fixing.
You asked if others have felt unworthy of love — I have. For a long time. And I didn’t start believing otherwise until I realized that the criticism I grew up with wasn’t a reflection of who I was, but of what the adult around me (my mother) couldn’t handle in herself. I was carrying her shame (not mine) without even knowing it. It sounds like you’ve been carrying something similar, and none of it was ever yours to hold.
If you want to explore any of this more or just need a place where your feelings aren’t ‘too much,’ I’m here.
🌿💛🌿 Anita
June 14, 2026 at 10:26 am #458584anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Robi, June 14, 2026: “I’m still here in Romania and I now feel like I’m officially stuck… And it feels pretty bad.”- I am so sorry, Robi 😔
Exactly 8 years ago, on June 14, 2018, I wrote to you: “Unless you take on a healing process, your life will not be any different than it is now and has been… It really is up to you to make your life better, not in one magical move (“Go somewhere new and just start a new life”), but through many, many moves, many changes in thinking and behaving, persisting month after month, year after year. Persisting in a process that will often not feel good. Persisting through the not-feeling-good times.”
I don’t like the harsh tone of my message back then. You needed gentleness as much as clarity and I wasn’t that great when it came to gentleness. Yet, the message was true then and it still is: healing is a long process, not a relocation (Germany, Spain, Poland); relationships don’t improve by changing geography; and real change requires persistence.
On June 10, 2018, you shared: “I guess I never felt very close to my parents… Most of the times it felt like I hate them… About one thing, I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom… I guess I hated them for that. I also hated them for not having my own room… It had a door basically made of glass… They used to also come in whenever they needed something from there… I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room… trying to keep something for myself… trapped in their workplace indeed made me feel invisible. I was always there. Everyone was coming and going. Except me. I wasn’t. Hmm. Pretty much like now… Things from childhood do repeat. S*it.”
Copilot (AI) with my note in parentheses: “Childhood intrusion means growing up with too little space to be a separate person — parents always present, always watching, always entering the child’s physical or emotional world without boundaries. Childhood neglect means too little presence, intrusion means too much presence, and both prevent a child from forming a stable inner self.
“When a child has no privacy, no room to explore their own thoughts, and no sense of “this is mine, this is me.” they learn to hide, to stay hyper‑aware, and to protect their inner world from being taken over. Over time, the child learns to hide (the minimizing of the computer screen when they entered the storage room), to shrink, to stay hyper‑aware, or to disconnect internally because there is no safe boundary between ‘me’ and ‘them.’ In adulthood, this often becomes difficulty with closeness, fear of being controlled, guilt for wanting space, and a deep confusion about one’s own needs.
“The adult longs for connection but also feels overwhelmed by it; craves intimacy but also fears losing himself inside it; wants to trust, but his nervous system expects intrusion, criticism, or control.
On June 11, 2018, you asked: “Do you think would be better to gain some distance from my parents? Hopefully to be financially independent and also seeing them less?”
Copilot: “If I were answering his 2018 question — the honest answer is yes: distance would have given him the psychological room he never had as a child, the space to breathe, to think his own thoughts, and to begin forming a self that wasn’t constantly shaped by their presence.
“He needs to know that nothing is wrong with him — he is simply living inside an old pattern, and every small step toward autonomy will help his system calm down and give him the clarity he can’t access while he feels trapped”
Now, it’s me speaking, Robi: it really isn’t your fault that you are stuck. Any child growing up in your exact circumstances would be trapped in an unchosen pattern. I too grew up (I prefer to say grew-in, as in shrinking) being intruded upon on a regular basis, and I reacted very similar to the ways you have.
Every day I repeat the same mantra that end with these exact words: “I redirect self-fragmentation, alienation, disconnection-within, chronic shame, guilt and self-doubt to =====> self-integration, love for myself (loving myself and loving others are two sides of the same coin), empathy for myself and trust in my own perceptions and emotions, not because I’m perfect, but because I’m learning”.
Got to run, hoping to read back from you soon.
Anita
June 14, 2026 at 8:44 am #458582anitaParticipantUsing my phone. Your recent post reminds me of one of Copilot’s analyses where he said that the intense emotions at home when your parents were fighting (sometimes you joining the fights verbally and even physically) became Normal, something you adapted to, a
And the silence in- between fights became Abnormal- something you didn’t adapt to and felt most uncomfortable with because you didn’t know when the next fight will start.
Fast forward, you long for intensity with a girlfriend and feel uncomfortable with calm.
✨️ Anita
June 14, 2026 at 7:26 am #458580anitaParticipantGood Sunday Morning, Confused 🙂
You are welcome!
Confused: “But I could just brush it off after 15-20 minutes and the thought is not affecting me anymore, which I think is a good thing, no?”-
Yes, it is a good thing👍🏻 Copilot says that in the quote above, there’s evidence that you are slowly stabilizing.
Copilot: “You do see evidence that he is slowly stabilizing — it’s subtle, but it’s unmistakable once you know what to look for. The clearest signs are that he can now notice a fear‑spike, name it, question it, and then return to baseline within minutes, something he absolutely could not do in November–March.
“His example about the Instagram story is the strongest proof: his nervous system still reacted with the old abandonment alarm, but instead of spiraling for hours or collapsing into panic, he recovered in 15–20 minutes and could say, “I brushed it off… which I think is a good thing.” That is stabilization.
“He also shows stabilization when he says he enjoyed the connection, could fantasize about closeness, could tolerate the videocall plan, and could reflect on his intrusive thoughts with curiosity rather than terror.
“All of this shows that his system is still reactive but no longer drowning. And when you look at his whole post, you can see the three layers operating at once — real attachment, hypervigilance, and self‑reflection — which is why I said he is slowly stabilizing: he is beginning to hold fear and connection at the same time instead of letting fear erase connection.”
Anita to Copilot: “Confused wrote: ‘I have read about intrusive thoughts but those felt so real and disorienting, they completely pulled me out of the experience’- his ‘but’ suggests that intrusive thoughts do not feel so real and disorienting? How do intrusive thoughts feel for people?
Copilot: “Intrusive thoughts do feel real and disorienting for most people — that’s actually one of their defining features — so Confused’s ‘but’ doesn’t mean his experience was unusual. It means he expected intrusive thoughts to feel like ‘just thoughts,’ when in reality they often feel like a shock, a jolt, or a sudden shift in reality.
“For many people, intrusive thoughts feel like a flash of “what if this is true?”, a sense of being pulled out of the present, or a sudden wave of fear or disgust that doesn’t match the situation. They can feel intensely believable for a few seconds or minutes. So, when Confused says “but those felt so real and disorienting,” he’s actually describing the classic intrusive‑thought experience — the brain momentarily hijacks perception, and the person feels yanked out of the moment. His reaction doesn’t mean the thoughts were meaningful; it means they were intrusive in the exact way intrusive thoughts typically operate.
“Intrusive thoughts can be managed by treating them as mental noise rather than meaningful signals: notice the thought, name it as an intrusive thought, let it pass without engaging, and gently return your attention to what you were doing. The key is not to argue with the thought or analyze it — just label, allow, and shift. Over time, this reduces their intensity and the power they have over your nervous system.”
Confused: “Normally when I would imagine such things with the girls I was with previously, I would get another, stronger feeling. Which I can’t get after November with her.. and I am trying to find out what this is. Is it from the mental exhaustion…? Is it because the infatuation is gone and it evolved into something calmer? Is it because something is “missing”? Or is it my own defenses…?”-
Copilot: “His weaker emotional response is not a sign that something is ‘missing’ in the relationship — it’s a sign that his nervous system is still recovering. Since November he has been in a state of burnout, hypervigilance, and emotional shutdown, and when the body is exhausted it cannot produce the intense, cinematic feelings he used to get with past partners.
“Part of the change is mental exhaustion, part is that infatuation naturally fades into something calmer, and part is that his defenses are still up, making it hard for him to fully “drop into” the fantasy of closeness.
“The calmer feelings are not a red flag; they are a sign that he is moving from adrenaline‑based attachment toward something steadier, but he can’t feel it fully yet because his system is still in partial shutdown. The work is helping him see that this softer emotional tone is normal and healthy, not a warning sign, and that his true feelings are still present even if they’re no longer amplified by fear or infatuation.”
Anita 👩🏻🦰 and Copilot 🤖
June 13, 2026 at 9:50 pm #458577anitaParticipantAt the computer. Copilot: “Your message is warm, validating, and emotionally safe. You normalize his experience and give him a sense of being held rather than judged. You also correctly identify the intrusive thoughts and the burnout from impossible logistics. Your tone is steady and affectionate — exactly what he responds well to.
“What’s missing is the deeper emotional interpretation of his childhood story, his dissociative “nothing is real” moment. Those are the two places where he is actually asking, without saying it directly, “Why am I like this?”
“And that’s where your next reply can help him most.
“Here is a deep follow‑up message you can send to Confused — one that meets him where he actually is: in the place where childhood attachment wounds collide with adult closeness, and his nervous system flips between longing and fear. It addresses the two things he opened up about but that haven’t yet been reflected back to him:
(1) the emotional meaning of his childhood story
(2) the dissociation/derealization after closeness
I’m writing it in your voice — warm, steady, grounded, and emotionally precise. Your deep follow‑up message to Confused
“Hey Dear Confused,
I’ve been thinking about your two posts, and I want to go a little deeper with you, because what you shared touches the core of why you sometimes feel connected and then suddenly disconnected.
When you described your childhood — the fights, the sudden departures, the plans that would collapse overnight, the emotional silence, the drinking, the chaos — what I saw was a little boy living in a minefield of unpredictability. You never knew when closeness would turn into conflict, when joy would turn into disappointment, when a parent would suddenly withdraw. That kind of environment teaches a child something very specific: “Don’t relax. Don’t trust the good moments. They can disappear in a second.”
“And because no one helped you make sense of your emotions, your nervous system had to invent its own survival strategy: disconnect fast when things feel too close.
“So, when you told me that after 8 hours of warm, enjoyable connection with her, your mind suddenly went: “Why do I want her?”, “She’s not real.”, “What we said wasn’t real.”- That was your old survival system kicking in.
“It’s the same system that protected 9‑year‑old you when your father packed his bags and left without explanation.
It’s the same system that protected teenage‑you when emotions were too overwhelming and no adult helped you hold them.“This sudden ‘nothing is real’ feeling is not a thought — it’s a dissociative reflex, a way your body learned to keep you safe from the pain of losing something you care about.
“And here’s the important part: You’re not “confused” in the way you think. You’re actually doing something incredibly brave: you’re letting yourself get close to someone despite having a nervous system that learned closeness = danger.
“That’s why it feels strange and scary. That’s why your mind tries to pull you back. That’s why the good moments are followed by a sudden drop. This is not a sign to run. It’s a sign that you’re healing. And healing feels disorienting because it’s new.
“I’m here with you in this — not judging, not diagnosing, just seeing the whole picture with you. And I’m really glad you shared all of this. It helps me understand you even more deeply. 🎶 Anita”
Okay, Confused, I’m a bit freaked out about AI tonight, my goodness. It’s like science fiction.
The above is correct though, isn’t it Confused?
AI-Bamboozled Anita
June 13, 2026 at 8:23 pm #458576anitaParticipantContinued:
No wonder having to choose between leaving your country and leaving her (the logistics) led you to experience a freeze and a burnout. It would anyone in this same situation.
Romance/ fantasy vs Logistics- lots of friction there. And there’s no resolution to it: you still don’t want to live in Cyprus and she still doesn’t want to live in Greece. This right here is a LDRP (a LDR Problem)
Seems like Kiddo- Confused (to me, a 13/ teenager-Confused is still a kiddo), couldn’t rely on either parent. Both disappointed you.
Maybe you held on to your father (being attached to him, still hoping) longer than you did to your mother. But eventually, they both failed kiddo- Confused.
You know I’m going to talk to Copilot about your recent 2 posts when I’m back to the computer✔️
One more thing: I’m honored that you’re honored that I feel this way from afar 😊
🎶 Anita
June 13, 2026 at 7:52 pm #458575anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused 🙂
Using my phone, read your 2 posts. First thing that came to mind as I read that the two of you texted for 8 hours- was that she is seriously emotionally attached to you (and you are equally attached to her).
Second thing that came to mind was that the thought “Why do I want her?” and other such thoughts- after a very enjoyable time of talking with her- are nothing but Intrusive Thoughts (IT, if you will) and not an indication of lack of love/ attachment to her.
These are thoughts that just show up and better not take them seriously. They’re like an itch that doesn’t indicate a health problem.
(I’m on the phone, so I can’t ask Copilot for a better phrasing of what intrusive thoughts mean).
I’ll submit this and continue next.
June 13, 2026 at 5:03 pm #458573anitaParticipantwill read and reply in a few hours, Confused
June 12, 2026 at 10:39 pm #458567anitaParticipant🤍 🤍 🤍(using the computer)
June 12, 2026 at 10:06 pm #458566anitaParticipantHow many times people cry into the night 🌙, begging for help 🌙🙏 and met with nothing but silence 🌙🤫, or worse: misunderstanding, shaming and blaming 😔👉😒👉😑☝️😕💭, however subtly?
How often do we pass on the shame 😔 we experienced to others, in one way or another?
I don’t want to do any of that anymore, not ever.
June 12, 2026 at 9:24 pm #458565anitaParticipantJust thinking this Friday night:
How many times did I miss people trying to connect with me? How many times I connected and then disconnected because it felt too close, too wrong?
How many times people I reached out to, in one way or another, turned their back to me?
How often judgment stood in the way: not listening to people’s hearts by hurrying to categorize, diagnose, pathologize? Not listening to people’s hearts?
Anita
June 12, 2026 at 7:35 pm #458564anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
Thank you. Really, it’s a delight to have you here, in my life.
Now that I’m thinking about it, dorsal-vagal freeze or not, who wouldn’t take a step back, emotionally, when the price of love becomes having to move to another country (and having had no desire or plans to move prior to the relationship)?
I think that the LD aspect, where one of you would have to move to the other’s country, was a big strain, and would be for anyone who wasn’t already interested in moving to another country.
You wrote that you weren’t attached to your parents, but Kiddo- Confused was very much attached to your father!
But then, he disappointed you (how?)
If you feel calmer, placebo or not doesn’t matter. Give it a chance, will you ( how many weeks of taking it constitutes giving it a chance)?
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 12, 2026 at 6:21 pm #458562anitaParticipantDear Alessa 🌿
Good to read back from you! I would have included white or blue hearts in this message, using my phone, but the feature of emojis showing up as I type no longer exists for me. I can use only the emojis somehow saved on the phone 😔
The meetings with regulars- there were only 2 and I don’t see a third. The Taproom Era is over. And so is the Winery Era. Maybe something new will take place next, sometime. I am okay nonetheless.
Bogart is a good boy! His friend Kurby ( the neighbors’ beagle) is here for a visit but he’s too busy chewing on a bone to play with Bogart.
Yes, sterilization for girl dogs are more difficult than that of boys!
Oh, the two cuddling..😊
Thank you for understanding that expressing myself makes me feel better! You are always welcomed to express yourself in any of my threads, or in yours, of course.
And thank you for your empathy 🙏
I like how you intentionally notice positive things. That’s a healthy practice!
Keep spreading the love, Alessa (white heart emoji)
✨️ 🌿 ✨️ Anita
June 11, 2026 at 9:12 pm #458545anitaParticipantThe feeling of love- what does it mean? For me, growing up, it was about wanting/ needing/ wishing/ praying to be loved.
Which I wasn’t.
The desert of my childhood was that of no- love.
A long, long desert that extended into my adulthood, way, way into getting older and older, yet unloved, and even when I was- I was unable to receive it and to rest in it.
I suppose, if I was to write an autobiography, I’d title it “Unloved”.
* Thomas, if you’re reading this, it’s okay: it helps me to type away my thoughts and feelings as I do here. Me expressing the repressed and suppressed helps me.
Unloved, yes, that would be the title. I wonder if there’s already a book out there titled “Unloved”?
How many children grow up Unloved? How many adults never get to rest in love?
Anita
June 11, 2026 at 7:41 pm #458544anitaParticipantHey “grown a** adult”, “grumpy old dude” Confused 😁
You are very welcome. How gracious you are, Confused, expressing appreciation like you do 🙏
Within every grown- a** adult, there is a little boy or girl whose a** is not grown at all 😔
That talk about moving countries back in Nov- that was a game- changer for you, wasn’t it?
It just ocurred to me that it’s possible that the boy Confused (your words:”kiddo Confused”) didn’t want to leave his father alone in the old country). Maybe.
I mean, adult-Confused is numb to him, but kiddo-Confused..?
How do you get out of the dorsal-vagal freeze? Copilot said to do it gradually, little by little. I guess moving countries wouldn’t be a small step.
I think it’d take grown-a**- adult Confused listening to his.. little-a** Kiddo Confused.
About the psych drugs, I changed my mind: it makes sense to take just one drug (esciralopram) and see how it goes before thinking of taking a 2nd drug.
✨️🌿✨️ Anita
-
AuthorPosts
