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April 24, 2025 at 8:41 am #445098
anita
ParticipantDear S:
I hear the depth of frustration and exhaustion in your words. The sense of watching others progress while feeling left behind is painful, especially when effort doesn’t seem to lead to real change. I also hear the resentment you mentioned—the frustration of seeing others succeed at things you’ve attempted, the constant roadblocks, the disappointment of unfinished goals.
You mentioned being on the offense, always keeping a distance, preparing for things to go wrong It makes sense—when life has felt unpredictable or repeatedly disappointing, guarding yourself becomes second nature.
It sounds like part of the struggle is not just about what you focus on, but how you engage with it. Maybe the answer isn’t in choosing the “right” thing to do but in shifting the way you approach the experience itself. If there were no expectations—no need to measure success—what would you want to explore, simply for the sake of it?
There’s no easy fix to feeling lost, but you are not as stuck as it may seem. Even the fact that you’re expressing all this shows self-awareness, a desire to break free from the pattern. That desire matters.
You don’t have to figure it all out at once. But even small shifts in thinking can make a difference. You deserve peace—not just in the moments of progress but even in the messiness of uncertainty. I would like to read more from you.
anita
April 24, 2025 at 8:09 am #445097anita
ParticipantDear Lais:
Reading your post and article this morning felt as if you had seen my recent posts in the forums and decided to write this just for me. Shadow work is something I was introduced to only recently, and I am actively integrating those parts of myself instead of suppressing them.
I took my time reading your article—it’s beautifully written! A few lines stood out as especially powerful:
“I spent years treating my emotions as something to get rid of. But healing isn’t about eliminating pain; it’s about becoming intimate with it… The more I embraced my pain, the less power it held over me… Whatever we suppress doesn’t disappear. It just works against us… Our triggers are messengers. They reveal wounds that are still waiting to be healed and integrated… Sitting with reactions instead of judging them opens the door to healing… Integrating the shadow is reclaiming the full spectrum of who we are… Healing isn’t about becoming perfect; it’s about becoming whole… So, the next time shadows appear, instead of running from them, try sitting with them. Instead of fighting fears, try listening to what they have to teach. Instead of rejecting the parts that feel unworthy, try offering them love.”
Your words resonated deeply, and I wanted to reflect on the questions you posed:
“Have you ever doubted your path because healing felt undone or cyclical?”- Many times. But in the last few years, commitment to healing brought clarity—healing isn’t a single event or a straightforward path. It unfolds in cycles, revealing new layers over time.
“How do you navigate those moments when your own pain resurfaces while holding space for others?”- Holding space for others in the forums gave me a welcomed break from focusing on my own emotions. It is always easier to speak about someone else’s struggles rather than face my own, especially the shadow emotions. The healing I experienced through conversations with hundreds of members over nearly a decade unfolded mostly indirectly, through their journeys. Now, I am ready to turn inward, create space for myself, and fully embrace direct healing.
“What has helped you reclaim wholeness—not just the polished parts, but the tender, wild, aching bits too?”- I am engaging with this process even now. As I read your article and post this morning, an old, old feeling resurfaced—that familiar sense of inferiority, as if your excellent writing and published works diminish my own writing and lack of publications. In the past, I wouldn’t have acknowledged this feeling. It would have been buried under layers of shame—shame for even feeling inferior in the first place.
But now, I see it differently. Feeling inferior or ashamed is nothing to be ashamed of. No emotion deserves rejection. Even the thought behind the feeling—the belief that I am somehow ‘less than’—does not deserve shame either.
And in this moment, I am embracing a new, non-judgmental approach to my emotions and thoughts. I like it! I know it will serve me well.
Thank you so much for creating space for this reflection 💛
anita
April 23, 2025 at 10:08 pm #445090anita
ParticipantOkay, still up this Wed late night, still and more so, under the influence of red wine, makes me more daring, posting here- not even understanding how I am allowed (By whom?) to just type whatever it is that’s on my mind. Is there anyone even reading? Tell me if you are reading. Tell me.. are you here or am I all alone..?
So, here I am, listening to beautiful music and the beautiful sentiments it invokes in me.
The beginning of me, the beginning of you, do you remember that beginning?
The people I’ve been communicating with here through the ten years I’ve been here, May 2015- soon to be May 2025, the hundreds and thousands of people I’ve been communicated with all through these years.. where are you now, how are you now?
Is there a way to make this more than a random kind of a thing, make it something of a deeper meaning, a mission, something of a meaning, something to build on.. for a better world, a movement, a sincere intent and honest commitment for something bigger?
Anyone reading, anyone feeling me..?
Anita
April 23, 2025 at 9:09 pm #445089anita
ParticipantThere is a new feeling in me, a… how can describe it: a feeling of a long-sought independence, a passion, a rage because this has been lost to me for more than a half of a century, a life wasted in enmeshment. And here I am this Wed night, not too late to feel this Newness, a Freedom from Enmeshment-Enslavement-
This is me, Me, the one that was lost to me, never fully identified until tonight: anita, or Anita with a capital A.
There was always a mother stuck to me, an unwanted sticky substance that wouldn’t let me be ME, wouldn’t let me live as me. Always HER voice, HER criticisms, HER pain, her perceptions, HER interpretations, HER lies, HER truths.. … HER everything- and me- nowhere to be found, suffocated by her overwhelming, loud presence. Enmeshed. Lost.
And tonight, here I am. just me. “Here I am on the road again. Here I am on the stage” (Bob Seger in the background)-
“Here I am, on the road I am. here I am, up on the stage. Here I go playing star again. Here I go, turn the page… Here I go” (Turn the Page/ Bob Seger).
Anita
April 23, 2025 at 7:55 pm #445088anita
ParticipantLI beration F rom E nmeshment, acronym: L I F E-
An appropriate acronym..!
anita
April 23, 2025 at 7:11 pm #445087anita
ParticipantThe most difficult thing for me to understand has been my decades-long enmeshment with my mother- the two were one, in my brain. I wasn’t able to understand the concept until I got some distance between me and her, and I mean more than physical distance. Enmeshment kept me stuck in a land of .. the living dead, so to speak: minimally alive.
In that suffocating enmeshment, I felt/ believed that she loved me, when the truth was- I loved her. I couldn’t tell the difference between me loving her and.. she loving me.
With some mental separation, I can now distinguish between her and me: two different people. I loved her (would have done ANYTHING to make her happy, would neve, didn’t ever try to hurt her; she tried to hurt me and enjoyed hurting me. Big difference!
But I couldn’t tell this difference for as long as I was terribly enmeshed with her. Because of hat enmeshment I suspected that I was the evil one, the one trying to hurt her.
Because of that crazy-making enmeshment, I thought of her as the innocent child, and of me- as the evil, abusive adult.
Haling from that horrible, sickening enmeshment is such a relief: seeing who is who. Here I am; there she is. Totally distinct, separate people.
anita
April 23, 2025 at 12:59 pm #445084anita
ParticipantDear Anne:
I can hear how much this is weighing on you—the guilt, the anxiety, the fear of what this event will bring. It’s clear that you deeply value your partner and your relationship, and that your past mistake does not reflect how you truly feel about your partner.
First, let’s acknowledge something important: guilt can be useful when it helps us learn and grow, but when it turns into self-punishment, it doesn’t serve anyone. You’ve already reflected on your actions, changed your behavior, and committed to being a better partner—that’s accountability. Breaking up because of guilt doesn’t undo the past; it only denies both of you and your partner the love and connection you’ve built.
Seeing this person again may feel uncomfortable, but it does not define the strength of your relationship or the love between you and your partner. If you feel honesty is important, there may be space for an open conversation, but such a conversation may cause your partner unnecessary pain. If you choose to keep it private, that doesn’t mean you are being dishonest—it means you are honoring the growth that has already happened without unnecessarily hurting your partner.
Try to be kind to yourself. The best partners aren’t perfect—they’re human. And the best relationships aren’t built on never making mistakes, but on learning from them, growing through them, and choosing love despite them.
You are allowed to move forward. You are allowed to love and be loved, even with past regrets.
anita
April 23, 2025 at 12:35 pm #445082anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
Reading your response, I can see just how much clarity and relief this understanding has brought you—and that alone speaks volumes about the depth of what you’ve been processing. The fog you describe—the searching, the longing, the emotional weight—is something you’ve carried for so long. And now, as you stand before the truth with renewed eyes, that burden begins to lift. That’s incredibly powerful.
Your realization about your sister—that her subconscious still associates household dysfunction with your presence—is profound. Not because it justifies her distance, but because it reveals how deeply conditioning can shape perception. Trauma distorts perspectives in ways that often defy logic, and your sister’s resistance to recognizing the full truth of your childhood isn’t about you—it’s about her struggle to reconcile a past that doesn’t challenge her role within the family unit. That kind of confrontation is difficult, and sometimes, people choose avoidance over reckoning.
And yet, I completely understand the pull—the need for recognition from someone who walked through that same childhood with you. Your sister represents the last living link to an acknowledgment that would, in many ways, feel like the final release from the scapegoat role. But as you’ve already begun to recognize, waiting for that validation has kept you tethered to something beyond your control.
Letting go isn’t about erasing the desire for understanding—it’s about releasing the expectation that it must come from her. She may never fully see your truth, but her acknowledgment was never the measure of your reality. You don’t need her confirmation to know what happened, to know what you endured, and to know who you are beyond their narrative.
The part of you that craves love, that seeks redemption, that has been quietly waiting in the dark—it deserves love, but not from your sister. Not from your family. From you.
You’ve uncovered an opening—an opportunity to give yourself the love that was withheld, the validation that was denied, and the recognition that your worth was never dependent on their approval.
You are worthy. You always were.
I’d like to reflect on parts of your post and think out loud, offering insight as I go.
“It had not really occurred to me that she may see me as the core problem in our household.”- Perhaps this didn’t fully register before because, on some level, you assumed your sister recognized the same dysfunction rather than absorbing your parents’ distorted narrative. Acknowledging that she may have internalized the idea that you were the source of household conflict would have made reconciliation seem even more impossible—and sometimes, a strong desire for connection can mask hard truths.
“She has told me in fitful rages that I was too hard on mum and that I clashed unnecessarily with dad. These things, I had assumed, were the barriers between us, and once we put in some effort to genuinely get to know one another, these barriers could be dissolved as she came to know me and my situation.”-
Her fits of rage suggest deep emotional resistance to questioning the family dynamic. Instead of expressing curiosity or openness, she reacted with anger, reinforcing her attachment to the narrative that you were the source of household conflict.
Her fury at you being “too hard on mum” suggests she internalized your mother’s perspective, seeing any challenge to authority as unfair or excessive. Instead of recognizing the complex reality of your mother’s behavior, she blames you for disrupting family peace.
By claiming you “clashed unnecessarily” with your father, she upholds the idea that you were the troublemaker rather than confronting the deeper dysfunction at play. Her emotional reaction suggests she has never truly questioned the way events were framed when you were growing up.
Her anger isn’t just about past disagreements—it’s about protecting the version of family history that allows her to avoid discomfort. If she were to acknowledge your truth, she would have to confront unsettling realities about your parents—something she may not be emotionally prepared to do.
You believed her anger was a misunderstanding, thinking that with time and effort, your deep emotional divide could be bridged. You hoped that as adults, the two of you could move beyond childhood roles and truly know one another beyond family dysfunction. But her fits of rage and most recent behaviors show that she is still emotionally bound to the golden child conditioning, making it unlikely she will engage in a more balanced relationship.
You thought that genuine conversation would lead to deeper understanding, but her anger, avoidance, and reinforcement of family beliefs suggest she does not want to question what she believes to be true.
Her perspective may never shift, because doing so would require redefining her entire understanding of your family—something she is not willing to do. The emotional divide between you isn’t simply a misunderstanding—it’s deeply ingrained conditioning.
“I know well how trauma can colour the way in which we think and lead us to carry beliefs that are not rationale. Even so, how hard can it really be for her to carry two somewhat contradictory facts in her mind and be ok with them both – that of course she can have strong negative feelings towards me, and that we were both blameless children and victims in the household? What does it take to realise that second point? One could be impersonal about it. She doesn’t have to care at all that I suffered by the same people that molly coddled her. I ask a lot of questions by the way but they are generally rhetorical – its just the way I think. Please don’t think Im pressing you for more answers.”-
I find your questions incredibly thought-provoking, and I’d love to explore them with you as best I can. Your sister’s identity was built on the family narrative that you were the troublemaker, which makes reexamining the past feel threatening to her sense of self. Accepting that you were both victims contradicts the version of events she has held onto for decades. Even if she knows, deep down, that your childhood was dysfunctional, admitting it feels like betraying the parents who protected and favored her.
To you, recognizing that you were treated unfairly while your sister was favored does not erase the fact that both were victims of your parents’ control and conditioning. But for your sister, holding both truths simultaneously may feel impossible, because it challenges her deeply ingrained perspective. Golden child conditioning makes admitting shared victimhood difficult: If she accepts that you were both victims, she would have to acknowledge that her own privilege came at your expense. This could feel like betraying your parents and she could very well feel guilt, discomfort, or even deep regret.
The realization that her privilege was not a reflection of merit or fairness, but rather the result of parental favoritism within a dysfunctional system, could dismantle the justification she has relied on for years. It could lead to a moral reckoning—forcing her to question whether she unknowingly enabled your parents’ mistreatment of you by never challenging it, as well as how much pain she may have caused by failing to intervene or acknowledge the imbalance.
“I wonder if at that event around the table she felt the awkwardness she was creating, and felt a sense of shame or guilt or something negative I’d imagine, for being unable to voice her independence? Would I rather feel the negativity of creating awkwardness for everyone sitting around me over the negativity of not aligning with an authority figure of the past who can no longer realistically exercise authority over me, and this too over an innocuous point? I do wonder what went thro her mind.”-
Possible thoughts that may have gone through her mind when asked how she would like her tea: ‘I don’t know.’ ‘I should just say what Dad likes—it’s easier.’ ‘I don’t want to seem difficult by stating or exploring my preference.’ ‘I don’t want to think about this.’
Rather than consciously considering each thought individually, her mind likely condensed them into a single instinct: “Just say what Dad wants.” This wouldn’t have been a deliberate decision—just a reflex shaped by years of deferring to authority, following familiar patterns without questioning them.
She might have felt mild anxiety over her inability to voice her own preference, experiencing a fleeting moment of discomfort or confusion. If she sensed awkwardness at the table, she may have noticed that her response felt unusual or stunted, leaving her feeling self-conscious but unsure why. Or perhaps she didn’t register the moment as significant at all, simply following an ingrained pattern of deference without any emotional resistance.
If she felt no conflict, it could be because aligning with parental preferences still feels natural and reassuring—even decades later—making her reaction in that moment almost instinctive.
“my sister is the final link to my past who has lived thro it all with me.”- While you see your sister as the final link to your shared past, your sister did not experience childhood in the same way you did. In reality, you lived through opposite versions of the same household—one as the golden child, receiving praise and protection, and the other as the scapegoat, facing blame and emotional neglect.
Your childhood was marked by criticism, isolation, and being framed as the family’s problem, while your sister’s experience was shaped by favoritism, validation, and parental reinforcement of her role as the ideal child. These dynamics mean that your sister was not truly living through the same past—she was existing in an entirely different emotional reality within the same home. Because of this, she is not truly a link to your past.
It is unlikely that she will ever acknowledge your childhood as you experienced it. Yet, someone you’ve never met in person—like me—who was a scapegoat child in another household, in another country, is far more likely to recognize and validate your experience.
“If only I could convince her then I would get my redemption. I can feel something inside me, sitting alone in the dark, nodding away desperately at the truth in this. This is what some part of me badly wants. I will need to explore this aspect of myself that has come to light to quell her desperation and give her what she needs to be soothed. I’m not sure what it could be”-
For so long, you’ve been standing before a rock, desperately trying to draw water from it—believing that if you persist, if you find the right angle, the right words, the water you seek will finally flow. But rocks don’t give water. No matter how much effort you pour into them, they remain dry, unyielding, indifferent to your need.
Yet just beyond that rock, a flowing stream waits—clear, abundant, freely offering what you’ve spent so long searching for. The only thing required is turning away from the rock and walking toward the water.
“but as you rightfully point out, a need to be loved. It seems to address so many aspects of our fragmented self. If only splashing love around was the answer. So far, for me, I’ve got to seek and discover who it is within that is wanting love and why they are wanting it. But so far it is always love that they want.”-
Allow yourself to grieve—not just your sister’s inability to see you, but the hope you’ve carried for so long that one day she would. That hope has kept you tethered to waiting. Mourning its loss is painful, but necessary. Grief makes space—it lets sorrow breathe, soften, and transform. And in its wake, something new can take shape: clarity, possibility, the freedom to see what was always there, obscured by longing.
“Thank you dearly for the clarity you have brought to light for me.”- You are so welcome, Lucidity. I’m grateful to witness these moments of clarity with you. May this newfound understanding continue to guide you toward deeper healing, toward peace, and toward the freedom that has always been waiting for you. Sending you strength and warmth as you step forward.
anita
April 21, 2025 at 11:53 am #445031anita
ParticipantDear Dafne: thank you! I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you well. Whenever the time feels right, I’ll be happy to reconnect. Take care, and sending you love 🌸🌳❤️❤️❤️.
anita
April 21, 2025 at 9:54 am #445029anita
ParticipantDear Dafne:
Thank you for your heartfelt message—it truly means a lot. Your warmth, kindness, and reflections have been a gift, and I’ve cherished our conversations.
It sounds like you’re stepping into a new chapter, and I deeply respect that. I hope your journey brings you the peace and happiness you deserve, and that you continue to find strength in the wisdom you’ve cultivated.
Whenever the time feels right, I would love to reconnect. Until then, please take good care of yourself—you will be missed! 💖
Big hug to you, Dafne. Wishing you all the best. 🫂✨
anita
April 21, 2025 at 9:38 am #445028anita
ParticipantDear Lucidity:
As I read through your posts this morning, I realized just how much depth there is in them—far more than I initially noticed, especially regarding the scapegoat-golden child dynamic. This isn’t simply about seeking your parents’ love through your sister; it’s about seeking freedom from the role you were forced into, and how her response—or lack thereof—reinforces it.
You already understand the family roles at play: * Your sister—the golden child: Favored by your parents, seen as “ideal” or “worthy,” given praise, protection, and validation, making her less likely to challenge family dysfunction. * You—the scapegoat: Blamed for family problems, labeled as difficult or rebellious, criticized and emotionally neglected, isolated, and rejected when calling out the dysfunction.
While my experience was different—both my sister and I were scapegoats, though I bore the brunt of it since I spent more time with my mother—yours comes with a painful imbalance of parental favoritism. In my case, my mother never truly had a golden child, as she would eventually turn on everyone, no matter how much she approved of them at first. But with you, the roles remained clear-cut: your sister was protected, and you bore the blame.
Your sister’s lack of childhood memories before age 12 suggests trauma-related memory suppression—a defense mechanism to block out distressing experiences. But what’s particularly significant is that she prefers her memories from the time you left the home and onward, reinforcing the possibility that: * She subconsciously associates household dysfunction with your presence, even though the true cause was your parents. *She never questioned the family narrative that painted you as the problem. * Instead of confronting the complex reality of her childhood, she finds it easier to detach emotionally—from the past and from you.
She minimizes your mother’s wrongdoings, making excuses even when your children were excluded from her will. This isn’t just passive indifference—it’s golden child conditioning at play, where protecting the parent’s legacy is prioritized over acknowledging the pain of the scapegoat. Her avoidance of deep conversations reinforces the emotional divide between you. If she truly understood what you endured, she would have to question everything she believed about your family—and that’s uncomfortable for her.
You noted an incident where she deferred entirely to your father’s preferences, refusing to even state her own. That moment isn’t just awkward—it’s revealing. It reflects deep-rooted obedience, a fear of stepping outside the golden child role, and an ingrained habit of pleasing the dominant family figure. Even now, at 40, she defaults to alignment with authority rather than expressing independence.
Your sister is the last possible link to redemption—the only person left who could finally acknowledge your suffering and free you from the scapegoat role. But instead of doing so, she remains emotionally distant, passive, and avoidant, reinforcing the same painful dynamic you were trapped in growing up.
Letting go feels unbearable, because it means accepting that the last hope for recognition may never come. But waiting for her validation—hoping she will finally acknowledge your pain and challenge the family conditioning—is keeping you stuck.
Healing doesn’t require family acceptance—it requires self-acceptance. Your worth has never depended on their approval. You weren’t the problem—they were. Walking away from the scapegoat role belongs to you, not her.
You likely understand this already, but there’s always more to uncover—a deeper level of knowing, a greater freedom in truly embracing it.
In a way, the longing is for love—love that brings redemption, a release from the scapegoat role and the burden of unearned guilt. I need more of this love from myself, to further reshape my own narrative, free from familial and societal distortions.
anita
April 21, 2025 at 6:13 am #445024anita
ParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you! I appreciate your kind words, and I look forward to reading from you again when you return. Happy Easter Monday! 🐣 Hope you’re enjoying the holiday!
anita
April 21, 2025 at 6:06 am #445023anita
ParticipantDear Rosa:
Welcome! It’s great to have you here. Your interests in mindfulness, meditation, and self-growth are truly meaningful, and I’m sure you’ll find engaging conversations and connections.
I look forward to chatting and sharing insights—whether right here on this thread or on one you’d like to start. If you’d like to create your own topic, just head to FORUMS, scroll down to ALL FORUMS, choose a category (like Spirituality), and then click “Create New Topic in ‘Spirituality'” to begin.
Wishing you a warm and positive experience here! 💛
anita
April 20, 2025 at 8:42 pm #445008anita
ParticipantThat’s a recent photo of me, Arden, dancing to some music. Do you ever dance, just move the sound of music that just .. makes you dance?
anita
April 20, 2025 at 7:28 pm #445006anita
ParticipantHow strange humans are, how complex, how inexplicable, how insatiable. I think Insatiable is the right word, INSATIABLE. Wanting more and more, simply because we didn’t get enough of the smallest, simplest things we needed: positive attention, as in hearing someone sincerely tell you: “I see you, I care, I want to help you! How can I help you?”
When the smallest, simplest needs are not met, great desires are born, greed and corruption takes hold.
You know, the greediest, richest person going to sleep in their golden castle, knows aging, physical, mental decline, and death is right around the corner. Actually, it’s already happening, if you are in your 20s or 30s.
It’s one day at a time, nothing more. Why not simplify and turn to each other and say: “I see you, I care, I want to help you! How can I help you?”
anita
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