Whatever comes to mind this early Wed (Dec 9) afternoon:

I feel great sadness (not depression), deep sadness, for saying- in my mind- GOODBYE to my mother. So much of my heart has been INVESTED in her- as a child, an adolescent, a teenager, a 20’s year-old, a 30-s year-old, a 40-s year-old, a 50+-s old- WAITING- A.L.L T.H.A.T T.T.T.I.I.I.M.M.M.E.E.E. for her to value me, to worthy me. To love me (tears in my eyes).

I feel sorry for me For waiting and waiting..

In my mind’s eye, right now, I still have the image of her as a loving person, one who CAN love me if only I get her attention in a big-enough way: become a movie star, become very rich. (Literally, these two things and nothing less).

But that image of her is an illusion. It’s just something I desperately NEEDED, not something that has ever been there for me (or for anyone.. not as an adult). Her childhood was horrific, and what resulted was a mother incapable of loving.

I kept imagining that what I needed so intensely was really there underneath the rage, the shaming, the relentless abuse.

This afternoon, I say goodbye to the dream, the image still lurking in my mind. I choose to thoroughly see her as she’s been all along- ever since I was born to her- no love, no heart for me.

To say goodbye to this stranger.

She gave me food and cake, clothes, toys, school supplies, bus money & 2 trips within the country- Thank you, mother. Thank you!!!

I wish her well as she transitions to.. The Source, the Tao.. God. I am so sorry you had such a terrible life. May you rest in peace, mother. May you REST in PEACE. I love you, always had. Goodbye.

(I will not discuss you any longer. RIP).

Anita

Double posting, Gerard. I will read and reply to your 2nd recent post in a few hours 😊

Hi Alessa:

I am feeling emotional- in a good way- about your message right above, it’s so kind, so generous, so.. I feel honored to receive it, fortunate, really! It’s just beautiful 🙏

“If there is anything else at all I can do. I would be happy to. 🤍”- thank you, and same here: If there is anything else at all I can do for you, Alessa, if something I say- or how I say it, is a trigger for you, please let me know 🙏 🤍

“Checked out another nursery. I’m not sure which one to pick.”- I just asked my AI source (just in case it could possibly help):

“The best way to choose a nursery for a 2‑year‑old is to focus on safety, staff quality, environment, and emotional fit — and to reassure the mother by involving her in visits and decisions so she feels confident.

“Key Factors to Consider- *Safety and cleanliness: Check that the nursery has secure entry, child‑proofed spaces, and clear hygiene practices. * Staff qualifications and warmth: Look for trained early‑years educators who are patient, nurturing, and genuinely enjoy being with toddlers. * Environment: The space should feel welcoming, with age‑appropriate toys, outdoor play areas, and opportunities for exploration.

* Structure vs. flexibility: At age 2, children thrive with routines but also need freedom to play. A good nursery balances both. * Communication with parents: Staff should provide regular updates, be approachable, and respect the mother’s concerns.

* Ratios: Ensure there are enough adults per child (often 1:4 for 2‑year‑olds) so each child gets attention.

* Gut feeling: Sometimes the most important factor is whether the mother feels comfortable and senses her child will be happy there….

“It’s natural for a parent to feel anxious about leaving a 2‑year‑old in someone else’s care. To ease that:… * Trial sessions: Many nurseries offer short ‘settling in’ visits so the child adjusts gradually…* Trust building: Meeting caregivers and watching them interact with children can reassure her.

“Everyday Example- Imagine two nurseries: One has bright rooms, attentive staff, and children happily engaged in play. Another feels crowded, with staff distracted and little communication. Even if both are safe, the first will ease the mother’s anxiety because she sees her child thriving there.

“Simplest Summary- Choosing a nursery is about more than convenience — it’s about finding a safe, nurturing place where the child can grow and where the mother feels reassured. Visiting, asking questions, and starting gradually can transform anxiety into confidence.”

I then asked about the specific concern you expressed some time ago. Answer:

“Here are some general, supportive steps that can help her feel safer and more empowered when choosing a nursery:

Practical Safeguards- Ask directly about policies: Nurseries should have clear safeguarding policies for intimate care (like diaper changes). She can ask how staff are trained, how procedures are supervised, and how privacy and dignity are maintained.

“Check staff ratios and transparency: A good nursery will ensure more than one adult is present in areas where children are changed, or will have open, visible spaces rather than closed rooms.

“Look for accreditation/licensing: Licensed nurseries are required to follow strict child‑protection standards. She can ask to see inspection reports.

“Observe interactions: Visiting during the day and watching how staff interact with children can help her see whether care is gentle, respectful, and professional.

“Communication: Ask how the nursery keeps parents informed (daily reports, apps, verbal updates) so she feels connected to what’s happening…”.

I hope something in the above is helpful.

Your anxiety is understandable, Alessa. I know that you are doing your very best for your son!

🙏 🤍 🙏 🤍 🙏 🤍 Anita

Hi Allessa:

“I’m glad to hear that you are feeling calmer today. Enjoy your break from the topic. 🤍”- thank you, Alessa. I heard some disturbing news last night but still having a calmer day, reading and processing spiritual principles recently is helping me.

“Yes, I switched to blue hearts for you. 😊”- I had no expectation that you’ll stop using red hearts in communication with other members. The possibility didn’t even cross my mind once, and when I saw you using blue hearts.. I wondered about the reason. Only later (maybe as late as reading the message I am responding to), did I realize you did it for me!

Actually, I hoped but didn’t expect you (or Tee) to stop using red hearts in communication with me after expressing my feelings about it.

Again, it goes back to childhood. I had about zero experience being accommodated by my mother, so I still don’t expect it, sometimes like with the hearts emojis- it didn’t even register that I was accommodated!

Thank you so much, Alessa!!!

“I don’t like making mistakes. The white ones are harder for me to see when I’m tired…”- It’s perfectly okay with me that you don’t post white hearts because they are difficult to see. Also, it’s okay to make mistakes, Alessa. So, if you post a red heart in a message to me, I will understand. And of course, it’d be okay with me that you post red hearts to other members. In no way do I want to be controlling.

How are you today?

🤍🤍🤍 Anita