Hey Confused:

I wasn’t good at arts, used to get poor grades in school at arts, just above “fail”.

Didn’t matter when it came to expressing the suppressed, there was freedom in it, no one’s business to grade me on expressing.

“Gonna be my own self that breaks me”, meaning?

Dear Ana and Zinnia:

Thank you for recommending Dr. Ramani’s YouTubes. She has spoken about “cultural” or “generational” narcissism, especially in the context of how certain cultures or generations normalize narcissistic traits.

One of the key sources is her YouTube video titled “WATCH OUT for the signs of a cultural/generational narcissist”. Ana, I think this video would be perfect for you to listen to.

Dr. Ramani (an American clinical psychologist of South Indian descent) explains that some cultures or generations can reinforce narcissistic patterns because certain values or norms within the culture reward narcissistic traits:

1. In certain cultural or generational systems, elders or authority figures expect unquestioned obedience, special treatment and immunity from criticism. This can resemble narcissistic entitlement.

Examples: a parent demands that adult children follow their decisions without question (“Because I said so”), an elder expects everyone to stand up, serve them first, or give up their plans for them, a father insists his opinion is always correct, and a relative becomes offended if you set a boundary, saying it’s “disrespectful.”

2. Dr. Ramani notes that some cultural environments place heavy emphasis on family honor, public image and “what people will think”. The family’s public image matters more than individual feelings. This mirrors narcissistic image‑management.

Examples: a child is told not to talk about problems because it will “make the family look bad.”, parents pressure their child to choose a career that sounds prestigious, not one the child actually wants, a family hides conflict or abuse to protect their reputation, a person is told to stay in a marriage because divorce would “shame the family.”

3. In some cultural or generational contexts feelings are dismissed, children are told to “adjust”, conflict is minimized and vulnerability is discouraged. Feelings are dismissed, minimized, or treated as weakness. This can feel like narcissistic emotional neglect.

Examples: a child cries and is told, “Stop being dramatic.”, someone expresses hurt and is told, “Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.”, a person tries to set a boundary and is told, “You’re too sensitive.”, a teenager expresses stress and is told, “You have no right to feel that way — you have everything.”

4. She often points out that in some families’ boundaries are weak, privacy is limited and autonomy is discouraged. Family members are overly involved in each other’s lives, with weak boundaries. These resemble narcissistic enmeshment, control and intrusion.

Examples: parents expect to know every detail of their adult child’s life, a mother decides who her son should date or marry, a family insists on being involved in private decisions (finances, home, parenting), a person is guilt‑tripped for wanting privacy or independence (“Why are you hiding things from us?”).

5. Dr. Ramani says cultural norms can enable narcissistic behavior without causing narcissistic personality disorder This distinction is important.

Dr. Ramani’s main point is that cultural or generational norms can create environments where narcissistic behaviors are tolerated, normalized, or even rewarded, but that does not mean the culture itself is narcissistic.

Examples of cultural pattens specifically in Indian families: * Hierarchy- elders expect unquestioned respect and parents make major life decisions for adult children * Image and reputation- “What will people say?” *Enmeshment- parents are involved in every detail of their adult child’s life and privacy is seen as secrecy, * Emotional suppression- “Don’t cry.”, “Adjust.”, “Don’t talk about family problems.”

Western cultures can also enable narcissistic‑like behavior, but in different ways: * Individualism- children are encouraged to be “special” or exceptional, and personal success is prioritized over community * Image and achievement- pressure to be high‑performing, attractive, or successful. * Emotional avoidance-
feelings dismissed with “You’re overreacting” or “Just get over it.”

Having the above in mind, I reread your original post, Ana (I am hoping that you are reading this and perhaps you’ll reply?): you see marriage as two adults creating their own home, their own space, and their own daily life together. For you, family means love and closeness, but also privacy, independence, and the freedom to make your own choices inside your own home.

Your boyfriend sees marriage differently: for him, marriage means becoming part of his existing family and living together with his parents and brother under one roof. He believes a family includes everyone—parents, siblings, wife, and future children—and that staying in the family home is normal, loving, and the right way to live. So, you imagine a couple‑centered life, while he imagines a family‑centered life where everyone shares the same household.

You and your boyfriend want two completely different kinds of marriage. This is not a small disagreement —it is a core life value difference. It is about autonomy, identity, daily freedom, emotional safety, and the meaning of marriage.

This is a deal‑breaker level issue, not a minor cultural misunderstanding.

As a career‑driven, independent, and Western in your sense of personal space, if you move into a joint family long‑term, you are likely to face constant observation, lack of privacy, pressure to adapt, emotional exhaustion, guilt for wanting space and conflict between your identity and the family system. It is about incompatible lifestyles. Living in a joint family is not something you “get used to.” It shapes a person’s entire daily life.

* Understand that he is not going to change his definition of family. He is telling you the truth about what he wants: to live with his parents, to stay in his hometown, to keep the family unit together and to have you, as his wife, join that system. This is his real vision of marriage, and it is unlikely to change.

* You have been very clear: you need her your home, privacy, independence, space to be yourself; you need autonomy in your daily life. These are not “preferences.” These are core needs. If you sacrifice them, you will slowly disappear inside the family system.

* Perhaps have one final, calm, honest conversation with him: not emotional, not dramatic, just clear, something like:

“I respect your wish to live with your parents. But I cannot live that way long‑term. I need my own home. If we cannot agree on this, we may not be compatible for marriage.”

If he cannot compromise, walk away — kindly, but firmly because the two of you want different lives.

Love is not enough when the daily structure of life is incompatible.

The kindest, healthiest choice may be to let go — before marriage binds the two of you into a life that will hurt both of you.

Dear Ana: unless you post again in this thread, this post I am about to submit will be the last in this thread. I wish you well in this difficult time. And again, I hope to read from you again.

Dear Zinnia: you have a lot of knowledge and wisdom to offer others. I hope to read more from you in other threads as well, perhaps even your own. I wish you well.

🤍 Anita

Hey Confused:

Glad to have internet this morning 🙂

Thank you for your kind words from yesterday.

You asked: “How did u experience the dissociation after, in therapy?”-

You mean during therapy sessions? I don’t remember. I had therapy in 20111-13, long time ago. I clearly remember how dissociation felt through the years. I felt “spaced out”, like not present in the here-and-now. People told me: “Your head is in the clouds”.

I can give you the most extreme example of me being dissociated. I was walking in a city (don’t remember the city) and was “awakened” by a truck almost running me over. I was so spaced out, so zoned out, that I didn’t notice that I was crossing a street, let alone that there was traffic on the street.

Otherwise, there’s been that anxiety inside, an ongoing tension, lack of calm. I used to daydream a lot listening to music, and during the daydreaming I was either calm or hopeful, or happy, joyful, excited, “in love”, but in real-life, there was a blanket of anxiety, tension, anger and the good feelings (happy, excited, etc.) were covered, in darkness. So, there was very little “living”.

You wrote in your most recent message: “Yes we do, I’m guilty of that in my life.”- are you referring to giving people too much power over you, too much emotional power perhaps?

🤍Anita

Oh, O didn’t finish my thought there: when you grow up in an unsafe (no) home, day in and day out, month after month, year after year,

There’s an unsafe corr, or “home” (not) within the soul, within deep inside.

And when that takes place, we give others way, way, way more power than they deserve to have in our lives.

🤍 Anita

Hello 👋 Confused:

I don’t see Fantasy in how you describe her. So, now I am leaning more on the problem being your disorganized attachment and LDR challenges.

I sure hope for Clarity to replace Confusion.

I think that what seems to me- your disinterest in exploring the origins of your disorganized attachment (your childhood experience)- to be a problem.

It’s okay though, whenever you are able and willing to explore the origins, that’d be fine.

I know that if I didn’t explore my troubled childhood experience, no way would I have the peace of mind I am experiencing now.

✨️🤍✌️ Anita

* What an amazing, thorough, fascinating analysis, Zinnia!

I don’t remember coming across the term Cultural Narcissism. What would be your definition of it?

And what’s the difference between a person who is a Narcissist and a person who is only culturally narcissistic?

I love you ending your post in French. French was my first language, but I didn’t speak it since early childhood.

Merci pour cette analyse incroyable.

🤍 Anita