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March 25, 2026 at 7:55 pm #456316
anitaParticipantWell, Confused, I’m past the idea of romance= paradise= the Answer.
This woman you’ve been sharing about, she sounds special, loving, mature. Yet, she can’t be your paradise, no person can live up to that.
I hope I’m making sense at this time of late red-wine evening.
The feeling-alive, for me, happened when I reconnected to the part of myself that “died” long ago, but not completely. I gave her a voice, I let her speak, and this part of me is alive now. Right now, she’s alive.
Anita
March 25, 2026 at 7:43 pm #456315anitaParticipantHa-ha, I was right about the double posting. I’ll respond further in a moment.
March 25, 2026 at 7:42 pm #456314anitaParticipantHey Confused:
“For example: I stopped going to the gym because I don’t feel the ‘pull’ to do that, I don’t ride the motorcycle because of the same reason. I think getting out of bed is hard because of it too.”-
I think you wrote the above before you read my most recent post (double posting)-
It takes an adjustment, a balance in that Dead or Alive experience: appreciating the little moments of alive.
Anita
March 25, 2026 at 7:15 pm #456311anitaParticipantHey Confused:
“U mean the people pleasing or cutting people off? I’ve always found it to be weird when I would think about it.”-
It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal (weird) circumstance. I used to feel very weird until I realized that I adapted best a human can- to a very weird childhood that was imposed on me.
“Exactly, it would either be very low, almost no excitement for anything or very intense and of course intensity was more preferable for me, because this is the only time I would feel ‘alive’.”-
No wonder you got attached to feeling ALIVE. Nothing like feeling alive when feeling dead too much of the time.
Strange how a person (me) can live for so long feeling dead.
What if you can find a balance between emotional-death and emotional- ALIVE?
Like right now, I am listening to nostalgic music, talking to you, and I feel quite alive- because of the music and because I’m talking to you.
(Using the computer, so no emojis show up), Anita
March 25, 2026 at 6:02 pm #456309anitaParticipantHey Confused:
Your first paragraph- it’s like I wrote it! It makes sense that we have or had this in common. We both grew up in violent homes.
Jealousy is another thing we have or had in common. I was obsessively jealous.
“I stopped getting this intense stomach cramp- like feeling. Could this mean I’ve reached a level of security and comfort in this relationship…?”-
Could be,yes. There’s something special here. Over time, the image of her as an honest, open, caring, mature and trustworthy woman comes to (my) mind.
“November- the birth of Confused”- ha-ha, Confused being funny 😁
“I’ve never learned calm love”- B.I.N.G.O.
This is It! This is the biggest insight coming from you (exciting for me to read)!
“I would always seek intensity… “-
Growing up, it was either feeling very low and numb OR intense, and the latter was way preferable? It was one way or the other?
😳 – 😅- 😳- Anita
March 25, 2026 at 5:12 pm #456308anitaParticipantDear 💚 greenshade/ Maria: how are you?
March 25, 2026 at 4:20 pm #456306anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
Yes. I do think those things (growing up in a violent home, living there till 22, managing yourself so to not disturb your parents and never expressing anger or sadness to them, or to anyone else) affect you today.
And I think it’d affect anyone with the circumstances you grew up with. No one can come out of it unaffected.
“I am focused on what I SHOULD be feeling”-
I have a question for you, Confused: did this focus help you at any time in the past, and if it did, in what way or ways has it been helpful?
🤔 Anita
March 25, 2026 at 10:24 am #456301anitaParticipant* You are welcome (no “home”)4
March 25, 2026 at 10:23 am #456300anitaParticipantYou are welcome home. Sonia.
Leaving this role is not easy. When you feel like a bad person for doing what’s good for you.. that’ difficult.
Recently I came across the term “moral guilt” vs “trauma guilt”. The first is when you feel guilty because you really did say or do something that harmed another.
The second happens when you feel guilty not because you did anything wrong, but because of early emotional trauma of some sort.
Setting healthy- helpful boundaries may inconvenience another person. They may not like it, but that doesn’t mean you harmed them.
You can’t make everyone like everything you say and do. No one can get only ‘likes’ and zero ‘dislikes’.
👍 👎 Anita
March 25, 2026 at 9:25 am #456297anitaParticipantHi Sonia:
You are welcome!
“I stopped feeling like I need to help him see his value”-
That’s progress, that’s healing. Because you are his friend, not his mother, or his emotional care-taker, right?
👧 Anita
March 25, 2026 at 9:17 am #456296anitaParticipantGood 🌄 Confused:
“The truth is, with her, I felt the most seen/ loved and cared for, even typing this makes my eyes watery”- that’s emotion expressing itself.
Continued quote: “But right now, I can’t feel the ‘appreciation’ for all those positives and I feel ungrateful”-
You ignored or put aside the feeling you did have (that which caused your eyes to become watery) because your focus was on what you SHOULD feel but don’t.
So, it’s like policing 🚔 your feelings.
I wonder what it’d be like for you to pay attention to what you do feel, to those 💧 👀
In an earlier post yesterday, you wrote: “Yes, I have been feeling responsible for ‘keeping the peace’, not upset my parents or bother them”-
In that environment, a boy learns to hide those watery eyes so to not upset or bother his parents?
And the boy learns to focus on what he ‘should’ feel so to keep the peace in the home?
💧 👀 👦 Anita
March 25, 2026 at 8:56 am #456294anitaParticipantHello Sonia 🙂
I read your new post and our communication in your first thread earlier this year, and what came to mind was the image of a boy (your friend) when he was a child, “feeling that he is not taking into consideration” by his parents, a boy who “was getting upset very often” but kept it inside, no place safe to express it.
Fast forward, he found that safe place in you and he took advantage of this opportunity and expressed himself a lot, “hours of stories”.
Another image: a girl feeling responsible for a parent’s feelings, rushing to make them feel better, being the best emotional caretaker she could be.
As to your questions in the last paragraph:
It’s clear to me that you are not a bad person for setting self-protective boundaries, for not over-extending yourself and for feeling happy about it (when guilt doesn’t overshadow the happy).
But you sometimes feel guilty, like you are a bad person because by putting yourself first, you feel that you are neglecting a responsibility to put him first?
👧 👦 Anita
March 24, 2026 at 8:57 pm #456287anitaParticipantI posted the above before I read your most recent 2 posts. B Back later
March 24, 2026 at 8:50 pm #456286anitaParticipantHey 👋 Confused:
I used the 🖥 right above, had it only for a few moments. Now, I’m back to my 📱, hence the emojis 🙂
I like it that your new therapist was taking notes of everything ✔️
The fact that you shared everything with her (your gf): your fears, your “weird” thoughts- that’s very meaningful- you trusted her.
And then, that trust scared you because trust was not something you grew up with?
I am hopeful about your new therapy. Here, in this thread, I am like (an older) friend, not a therapist, just a person to think with, gently.
A personal note: I’m a bit excited for you, hopeful. And a bit romantic in that it seems to me that what you have with gf is special, precious, a real connection. And that’s why it caused all that shutdown and doubts-
Not because the relationship was lacking, but because it was wonderful.
✔️📱🌙🐇 (don’t know, I just like rabbits) Anita
March 24, 2026 at 8:05 pm #456283anitaParticipantHey Dear Confused:
I just came back from the local taproom and read your recent post. What stands out to me is this: “Or nobody else ever gotten this close to me before?”-
Seems like it to me, and because she felt the closest, the deepest fears awakened.
Your new therapist saying she’d like to focus on your relationships with your parents on the next session- I think she’s on track.
I’ll write more later.
Anita
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