❤️🙏🙏🙏

Continued:

4) “I guess you knew that her seemingly loving, caring and supportive touch is none of that. You knew her true self, and that her touch was insincere. Unless she was supportive of you going to the U.S. (because it was linked to her dream of becoming rich?), and so in that brief moment, that touch was to express support for you?”-

I still feel that touch of her hand over mine, soft and warm and unbearable. I kept wanting to move my hand away but didn’t because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and it being a departure drive, it’d be cruel, I thought to myself.

I can’t tell you if I felt that her touch was insincere.

For one, it just occurred to me that it was a rare move on her part, to hold me gently. I don’t remember a single soft touch with her other than the time I got drunk and I took her hands in mine for a dance, and that other time when I held her hands as she ran to hit me and her hands became soft, limp.

In both cases, the contact was my initiative.

Otherwise, her hands were hard, scrubbing my head/ body during bathing, slapping my face, hitting with a strong hand. (Masculine)

Then suddenly, unannounced, she initiated holding my hand with a soft, weak hand (feminine)

I was dumbfounded, as in: What does she want?

There’s an incestuous feel to it, an inappropriate feel to it.

The feel I often experienced with her. Perhaps like a rough masculine rapist suddenly turning soft, feminine- just so to mess with me.

Maybe you’re right, Tee. Maybe I felt it was insincere for her to initiate softness.. to give me a sense of.. guilt, or to compete with the driver of the vehicle, the one driving us to the airport, a man who showed interest in me.

I may try to figure this out later. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

— As far as the boy running to get the mother involved following the music teacher “auntie” or whatnot comments, he is Rosie’s son, a high energy boy looking for action. In public, the mother defended me, he knew the public mama bear persona.

As far as climbing a mountain, I was indeed disappointed that it’s not healthy for my knees because in this mountainous area where I live, there’s a 5.5 km (3.5 mile) loop that I walked for years, were parts are steep, and I don’t want to stop walking it. Flat surface walking is boring. But I figure, it’s not as steep and as long of a walk as it’d be climbing a whole mountain and my knees don’t hurt as a result of doing that loop, so, I’ll continue.

Thank you, Tee. Been hours at the computer.. very tired.

I hope that these posts are not too long for you.. Well, they’re definitely long.

I hope you’re having a good Sat night.

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Dear Tee:

First, I will reply to your recent post conversation style (quoting a part and responding to it before reading the next part) and later, responding further to your previous message.

“I’m very happy to hear that you’re slowly starting to connect the dots and feeling like you’re more present in your own story. Understanding it more and feeling more capable to exit it as well”-

In the past, I would have taken the “slowly” as criticism, hearing something like “You are not connecting the dots fast enough!” (with an angry tone of voice). That’s how hypersensitive I was to anything that was critical, or to something my mind twisted into criticism.

So, after noticing this a moment ago, I reread the above and I realize that indeed it is a slow process and when you used the word “slowly”, you were kindly guiding me in this process, and I know there was nothing critical in your words. And so, being guided well, I am relaxing into the process and letting go of any rushing through it.

And after writing the above, I realized that I was rushing the process (in a post I wrote for you last night, one that I chose to not submit… So, thank you, Tee for excellent guidance 🙏

“This was beautiful, Anita ❤️ I’m happy that what perhaps used to feel like a maze in which you were stuck is now starting to make sense and you’re beginning to see the exit.❤️❤️”-

Thank you, Tee ❤️❤️❤️ 😊

“What you’ve concluded here makes so much sense:… Yeah, your mother probably saw sex as a tool to manipulate and dominate men. Because the way she saw it, her own father fell prey to that type of women – who use their sex appeal to allure and manipulate men (and take them away from their families).

“So if you’re a sexy, unscrupulous woman (like Alexis Carrington from Dynasty), you’re in a position of power. And you’ll never let a man hurt your feelings – you’ll rather hurt their feelings.”-

Yes, Alexis Carrington was her hero indeed, someone she admired. She admired the character’s cold-heartedness, manipulativeness and her resulting material success. Being honest, humble.. these traits were not at all something she valued in others, not that I remember.

“She probably saw men as weak, morally corrupt, untrustworthy, easily manipulated by sex.. and so she wanted to revenge men, by idolizing sexy, evil women, who don’t get hurt by men, but are the ones who do the hurting. By idolizing these movie characters, she probably wanted to vicariously revenge to her father, who betrayed her and abandoned her when she was 9.”-

Wow, Tee.. This fits well with her black and white/ all or nothing thinking. Either a woman is to hurt/ manipulate a man OR she will be hurt by him. No shades of grey.

She had never spoke against her father other than to say he turned to women and alcohol. Didn’t blame him, never expressed anger at him. Her oldest sister did express anger at him, she said that she was terrified of him, that she used to accidently lose control of her bladder when she heard him approaching because he used to severely beat her up.

(She proceeded to severely beat the mother.. and then, she severely beat a few of her own children, one who was epileptic).

“Yes, in as much she dreamed of being a femme fatale, she was also jealous of other women and their sexual attributes, because every woman (specially a good-looking one) was a threat to her. So she needed to put down their bodies, criticize them, talk about people’s sex lives.. because all that was a threat to her. Other people’s sexuality was a threat to her.”-

A threat to her because.. Can you elaborate on this point?

“Beside hurt, anger and envy, my impression is that she also wanted revenge. Perhaps that’s why she was idolizing evil characters (in real life and film characters) – because they’re the kind of people who don’t fear their enemies and can exact revenge.”-

(Copilot): “Revenge is the act of inflicting harm or punishment on someone in response to a perceived wrong, often driven by a desire for retribution or to ‘get even.'”.

Yes, very much so, Tee. Again, this is something I didn’t think about, the connection between her and revenge. Exacting revenge is what she repeatedly did (I am feeling anxious right now) every time she went about a shaming attack against me, the smile on her face when she saw the hurt on my face when a shaming word landed just.. right. And exacting revenge is what she did to other people as well when she exploded at them, shaming them as well, saying whatever words are likely to cause them the most pain. And after she was done, she seemed calm, or just exhausted.

Except that she never exacted revenge against people she feared, like her oldest sister, or her father.

“Anyway, that was a very good observation, Anita: that her obsession with sexuality might very well be caused by her childhood trauma. It seems to me that she believed that sexuality is both a tool (to dominate others) and a threat. And thus the constant obsession and hyper-focus on all things sexual..”-

Sexuality as a tool- yes, totally. I am still drawing a blank on the “threat” point.. for some reason.

“I’m very happy this conversation is helping you, and looking forward to your next post ❤️”-

Thank you, Tee. You’re the best!

❤️ 🫶 ❤️ Anita

Hi Alessa:

Thank you so much for your support, I truly appreciate it!

“Severe abuse is very hard to shift, especially when it comes to parents. ❤️”- I couldn’t have said it better, Alessa!

I wish you and your son the best ❤️❤️

Anita

Dear Tee:

“Walking uphill does indeed strengthen the thigh muscles, however there is a trade-off there, since climbing high mountains puts the strain on the cartilage too. And since you said you might be suffering from an early-stage osteoarthritis, I wouldn’t recommend causing unnecessary stress on your potentially sensitive knees.”-

Sadly, for me, Copilot agrees with you wholeheartedly (I know, heart.. 😂): “Benefits vs. Risks- Benefit: Uphill walking strengthens quadriceps and glutes, which help stabilize the knee and reduce long-term risk of injury. Risk: For people with early osteoarthritis, the added stress may accelerate cartilage wear, worsen pain, or trigger flare-ups… Practical Advice-
* Stick to flat or low-incline walking if you have sensitive knees, * Use low-impact alternatives like cycling, swimming, or elliptical training to build strength without stressing cartilage, * If uphill walking is unavoidable, shorter climbs, slower pace, and trekking poles can reduce knee strain.”-

Now I know 😢. Thank you, Tee.

“I really have empathy for everyone with arthritis, and if you’re lucky to be only in the early stages (where further damage is preventable), I’d definitely recommend to be careful: so mild hills yes, but tall mountains no 😊”- just what Copilot said!

“Yess! Lots of love and acceptance for yourself – that’s the name of the new game 😊 ❤️”- Love and Acceptance for myself. Lots 😊 ❤️

“Well, I’ve experienced some of the things you have (though to a lesser extent), and so yes, I was ‘there’ in a way, meaning in a similar dynamic, experiencing some of the same wounding. And I’ve also learned a lot about the subject, read other people’s testimonies etc.

“So yeah, I know a thing or two about it.. not that I’m glad about it, but it does come handy now 🙂 In any case, I’m glad you feel heard and validated ❤️”-

Yes, indeed, Tee knows a lot about it 😊, AND you are able to articulate and explain it all better than anyone I’ve ever come across in my whole life, a few therapists included.. and by far!

“Oh okay. I thought she became your mother’s caretaker, or guardian, after your mother was released from orphanage. So I assumed that she was first placed in an orphanage, as a baby or a small child, and then later, when she was old enough, was given to her older sister to be her official guardian. But I guess that’s not how it happened?”-

Not quite. She had a terrible early childhood because of the traumatic time her family suffered when they immigrating in the early 50s to Israel, living in tents in horrible conditions they didn’t expect. Next her mother died at childbirth when she was 9, her father turned to women and alcohol. Sometime during that time, she was sent to an institution (not an official orphanage, a place for children with no one to care for them). She wasn’t “given” to her older sister, I don’t think. Nothing was organized back then. She just ended up with her oldest sister who shamed her terribly. The mother had a “good” shaming model.

“Hmm.. it just occurred to me that many narcissistic people pretend to be loving and kind in public. So I guess we often don’t know how the person really is in private (with their own children and spouse, in particular). I don’t want to defend your mother in any way – since she indeed was horribly abusive to you. I’m just saying that there might be other mean and abusive people out there, whom we don’t know about – because they don’t show it to the outer world. They only show their true face to their ‘loved ones’, i.e. the people who love them.”-

Yes, I understand and I agree. Yet, what I was referring to were people who were clearly abusive to me, people who took advantage of me for their selfish advantages. In comparison to even those people, SHE was a Hurting Champion. No one “better” at it, no one more effective at delivering emotional injury.. again and again. Those emotional daggers. In a twisted way.. she deserved a medal.

“But it’s also true that your mother had not only narcissism, but other disorders too, and so her behavior was pretty extreme. Again, not so much in public (except for a few of those escapades), but in private, behind four walls…”- V.I.C.O.U.S.

Histrionic, Borderline; Paranoid & Obsessive- Compulsive.

“Yes, I guess derealization is a protective mechanism, not to feel the pain so much. But I’m glad you’re noticing that you’re dissociating less than before. That’s a very good sign, Anita!”-

Thank you, Tee. I don’t feel dissociated at all. Not the way I knew dissociation. I remember, somewhere in the U.S., I was walking and didn’t notice and before I knew it, a big truck, I mean huge, commercial truck almost ran me over. I just didn’t notice. My current ongoing lack of visual memory may be part of an ongoing dissociation.. brain damage, more likely.

“From time to time she would make hurtful comments, to me in private, not in public. So those would be overt daggers, I guess… And yes, daggers hurt, specially coming from our mother..”- I am feeling empathy, affection for little girl/ adolescent Tee.

“I’m sorry, Anita, that was so hurtful – she rudely rejected your heartfelt gift, something you gave her as an expression of your love for her! 😢 And she told you: it’s not good enough, it’s worth nothing to me, I could have picked it myself!”-

Those were not LUXURY flowers, those one would by in a store.

“That was a massive dagger to your heart, Anita! 😢”- My heart was.. not luxury in her mind 😢

“My mother wasn’t as cruel, but I remember she wasn’t exactly the type of mother who liked to show physical affection. She was old school, believing that showing too much affection would spoil the child (she inherited that thinking from her mother, who was very cold and strict with her).”-

One of the most difficult memories for me was when she held my hand (I was mid/ later 20s) on the way to the airport where I was to fly (alone) to the U.S.). She placed her soft, warm hand on mine.. and I wanted to exit my skin, exit my body so to not feel that softness, that warmth.. It felt intense, very intensely negative. Any idea what that was about, Tee?

“As for gifts, I remember once, already in my adulthood, I brought her a heart-shaped souvenir. And she rejected it, asking me ‘well, what am I supposed to do with it?’ I got really upset about it, and then she changed her mind and accepted it. However, she didn’t apologize, but blamed me for overreacting. So yeah, that was a dagger too.. rejecting her daughter’s heartfelt gift..”-

I am sorry, Tee 😢 ❤️

“Okay, that’s an interesting dynamic: first, the teacher was indeed wrong for calling you a derogatory name, so I kind of understand why he (or she?) just stood there, without saying a word.”- she.

“It’s interesting to me that this boy, your classmate, ran to inform your mother about the incident. Does that mean that he knew she is strict and sort of aggressive, and so he wanted to cause a scene by involving her? It also means he wasn’t afraid of the music teacher at all..”- Again, never crossed my mind, but since you mentioned it, yes, he wanted to cause a scene. He knew of the mother being aggressive. Generally, yes, he was a trouble maker in school.

“Possibly, yes, but I’m also thinking that you being publicly humiliated by a teacher meant a personal humiliation for her too. Because you said that there were instances when she would praise you in front of other people, e.g. saying that you’re an excellent pupil, when you weren’t and things like that. So perhaps that was a narcissist in her experiencing public humiliation vicariously, through you, which caused her narcissistic rage to awaken.”- Yes, exactly, true!!!

“Also, maybe she was expected to react with anger (since your classmate ran to inform her – perhaps hoping to provoke a scene?). So perhaps that was her public image – someone who fiercely defends her daughter against any kind of humiliation by other people? Not because she cares about her daughter (although others might not have known it), but because her own narcissism wouldn’t allow her to tolerate to be humiliated vicariously?”- My goodness, yes! True!!!

“I’m afraid that in that situation, she might have seemed as ‘mama bear’ protecting her cub. And because the teacher was wrong to make that derogatory remark, and perhaps was afraid of facing disciplinary action, everybody just stayed silent – because they were afraid of possible consequences.”- Maybe the teacher felt guilty. As to consequences for calling me “auntie”- from the principle or so- I doubt it. There was no protect-the-child policy .. Unless you break the child’s bones, literally 😞

“She hated herself – that’s why she cut her head off the photos. And since she hated herself, she couldn’t love you either. No heart for herself, no heart for you either 🙁”- No Heart= still human?

“I’m happy to share those hearts with you ❤️… Sure, I’d never refuse a heartfelt gift (provided that it doesn’t involve potentially self-harmful actions, such as climbing tall mountains with bad knees 🙂 ) Picking wild flowers on gentle slopes is much more acceptable 😂 😊”-

I am ending this post with a smile and endless gratitude, Tee 🙏 ❤️ 🫶 ❤️ 🙏 ❤️

Anita