Dear Anita,

Thank you for laying it out for me. You’ve given me a different perspective. I wanted to believe more than anything that he wouldn’t be a dishonest person. That his words were not just candy coated lies. I feel like I gave my all and if I was simply honest and kind and patient, that would be enough to garner the same back. I would often ask for these things in return as well and sometimes I felt I got them and other times I didn’t. Which I suppose I can now identify as behavior meant to appease me for a bit so I would stop asking.

There is no way I am going back to him. I can see how he has taken my love for granted and I don’t want to feel worthless like that again. I want to move forward but I’m also scared of knowing someone. I truly believed a lot of the kind and sensible things he said. How do I know trust myself again?

Dear HoneyBlossom,

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really does hurt because I feel so confused and lost because of his actions.

I will definitely be trying to move on. I know I have to because I probably won’t get any understanding of why he did what he did.

It still hurts 🙁

Hope you are well now.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for replying.

1. I did basically tell him that he’ll find some other woman. I knew it wouldn’t be me. I should’ve left because he had explained that it wouldn’t be me a long time ago. But then his actions and his words would make it seem like he could also see me as his wife. So I kept thinking that he was thinking about it.

2. I was interested. I felt like we could have a fun, mutually respectful life together.

3. I do feel like I bring up some things later rather than addressing them right when they happen. Like if I get upset over something he said, I just quiet and then maybe will bring it up after a day or two. But I don’t think I dwell on the past or the negative. I’m just trying to understand it. I don’t try to make feel guilty, I think that’s just him.

4. I didn’t stalk him or chase but I guess I kept in contact and I shouldn’t have done that. I removed him from social media but we still had one channel of communication.

5. I don’t know. I think he may be brought up that way where he has to always prove himself or where love and respect is kind of earned in his family. I don’t know to be honest. I think he just finds me frustrating because I won’t let him go and he wants to focus on finding someone he can actually make his wife but I hold him back and he feels guilty because of it and then angry and resentful towards me.

Hello all,

So an almost two years later update on this.

I continued dating him and I think I was a bit too optimistic. I closed my eyes on a lot of his behaviors. In November 2020, I caught him on a dating apps but and when I approached him about it, we fought but he promised he wouldn’t be talking to anyone ever again. I would say that’s when we started having issues. Suddenly he would fight with me all the time about little things. He started bringing up all the time that he wasn’t meant for marriage and I kept explaining thats not true and he will find someone. In hindsight that was just his way of trying to get me leave because he knew how serious I was. Then things about me would upset him. The way I acted, the way I got quiet whenever he yelled at me, the way I laughed sometimes, the way I wouldn’t listen to him because I’d be doing multiple things at once, or the way I just becoming quieter over time. We had great times but small things would set me or him off. I would feel bad but then would be scared to bring it up because he said I have this habit of dwelling on the negative. I would try to explain to him that I simply was trying to explain my side and sometimes he would understand but most times he would just be mad that I couldn’t let things go. We broke up and got back together so many times. I even moved to a different province  for my schooling and we thought that would be the end but we continued talking and he came to visit me. Even with the distance he would be pissed off at me and would refuse to talk sometimes. Over the course of 2021, we broke up a so many times we lost count. I think we both wanted to part ways but we couldn’t and I kept going back thinking he wouldn’t be that mean ever again but he was every time. He would yell at me for continuously bringing up the same sad drama over and over again but I guess in my head I never resolved and any time I would try to, he would get upset. After his visit to me in October 2021, I noticed bigger changes in his behavior. He would no longer be as kind to me as he used to be, he didn’t call as often, and his patience was so thin towards me. I also couldn’t tell because of the distance but when I moved back home in December 2021, I knew it wasn’t just my feelings. He wanted me to leave his life. He was saying it in anger and then would tell me that he didn’t mean it and just said it in the heat of the moment. But it would hurt me a lot. How could someone say such big things even in anger? He really stressed staying as friends and I tried as well but I hated it and we couldn’t keep it to just that. He kept trying to do that but in Jan 2022, I ended it completely. However I should’ve cut off all communications. I didn’t and that made me feel worse because I realized there was no change. Not even a little bit of resistance from him end. I thought I was breaking up with him but really he left me. I don’t know when or how this relationship changed from him pursuing me to me basically holding on and trying to make things work. We decided that none of it works and I told him to also cut off all communications. We decided to go on one last date. But we got drunk and he said some really hurtful things. I feel like even in my most drunk state, I have never said such things and now I feel so pathetic. He told me I’m like child, I won’t let go, I’m latched onto him and I’m machine to make people crazy. I kept crying because I was sad about losing my love and he kept asking me why I was so sad, why I had to keep crying to make him feel guilty when he has already told me so many times that he doesn’t want to marry me. He has told me and I knew it wasn’t on the table but I also just wanted an exclusive relationship with him and he never gave me that either. He was always talking to other girls and when I brought this up, he said he felt like I was trapping him. I wasn’t though, I was expecting him to be mine but he said he doesn’t believe in that unless he wants to marry them. He said he was so worried about even saying anything to another girl because I would make him feel guilty about it. I don’t even understand this. When I kept crying during this conversation, I tried to explain to him that I know nothing can be done now but now I just need to cry about it, and cry about the future I’m losing with you. He hated it. He kept telling me that I need to move forward and stop dwelling on the same things over and over again and that I’m just doing this to make him feel bad and guilty and to trap him again. He said he hates me and he hates that he ever did this and we were a mistake. He thought I was a cool, “modern” girl and not this.

What I don’t understand is how someone for whom I have shown so much love and affection and care could turn around and tell me how much they hate me? I don’t understand what I did that was so bad. I don’t understand how to move on from such hate and anger towards me. I know this is something that is personal to me but I really feel being unwanted and abandoned and that’s what I’ve gotten. Why? How do I move forward from someone hating me this much?

I agree Anita, I don’t think it’s very fair to him that he needs to hide these things. It also concerns me about what he would do on bigger decisions in life that matter a lot to me. I think that the conservative views also include things like upbringing of children. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in thinking about these things so early on but these just seem like really big red flags to me and I don’t know if I should be careful or if I should even bother continuing?

He meant that he would not join his wife in eating with her when they’re visiting. This seems like it would be a very awkard situation for me and I can see myself being made to feel bad for eating as you said the “forbidden food”. Or even just having a bad relationship overall with his family over things like thise. Ofcourse I know that this is just one example and maybe it wouldn’t even be a big issue but I know that my family would also be affected by this situation and that troubles me further.

Love,

Angel

Dear readers,

Meeting him again today!

Would appreciate some insight!

Love,

Angel