Jonathan,

When we have a partner who has a lot of needs, it can be easy to get lost in that aspect of the relationship and lose sight of our own needs in the process. Some of what you describe with your girlfriend’s behavior reminds me of things I have done in my own relationship, including doubting, accusing, hurting myself, etc. It definitely caused my boyfriend stress to deal with these things, and he also responded similarly by restraining me or attempting to help me. It created a dangerous situation where I was unable to control myself and he felt as if he had to help control me. It damaged his ability to trust me to think and act for myself, and it damaged my self-esteem, as he was taking away my agency to learn how to protect myself.

I don’t blame either of us for the development of this dynamic. I brought my own issues into this relationship, and he responded to that difficulty the best way he knew how. Perhaps your girlfriend’s rejection of you is temporary. However, if the structure of your relationship has always been you rescuing her from herself, there may need to be a significant shift on your part as well to extract yourself from that dynamic as she shifts into being more independent. Let her breathe, and use the space to figure out what you need from the relationship and if it’s possible to get it. You deserve to be loved, and it sounds like she is causing you quite a bit of pain.

Abbie