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  • in reply to: My long distance affair and sad breakup #191963

    It is really a challenge for us to be together. We are living over 6000km apart in different countries. I am still in the country
    where we were born, Malaysia. She has migrated to Australia. At 45, I cannot migrate to Australia anymore unless I have lots of money. She said she cannot come back and live in Malaysia anymore because she is too used to be western style of living. Living in an undeveloped country is really harsh for her. I agree with her and I started planning to migrate to New Zealand instead. She like that country as well. I would then need to work really hard to get myself migrated there and at 45, it is really really really tough!

    We started talking about investment for our future. She always talked about living by means of only buy needs not wants. She already had a few properties invested with her husband. Whereas I lost all my savings on a failed business just 3 years prior. I am still rebuilding my finances. She is okay with that and she does not mind that I do not really have money. She is not the kind of woman that is materialistic. She is independent and will buy things with her own money.

    So anyway, she mentioned about this book called “Rich Dad” and how it completely changed the way she look at investment and building finances. I told her that I hated that book because I had bad experience with it from many years back where a collegue keep bragging and annoyed me after reading all the great ideas from that book.

    Immediately her anger started. She got really angry at me for saying I hate that book. I tried to explain that I don’t really hated that book but hated the event that lead me not to read that book. However, I was already planning to buy it and read it because that was not the first time she mentioned the book. Again, the cycle of her anger or upset begins.

    She said she is having a surgery which was planned in 2 days and that she does not want to get upset. So I had to keep quiet. However, I know that if I don’t explain about my “hate” for that book, she will continue to label me as the book hater and a person with qualities that she does not want in a man that she is going to spend the rest of her life with.

    I tried so hard to text her and eventually she had an accident while driving. Apparently she knocked on someone else and damaged the car badly. This was the turning point that made her even more angry at me. She said I should learn to keep quiet because of my text, she got into the accident. When I texted her I did not know she was driving. Instead, I just apologize profusely and accepted that I am to be blamed for the accident.

    Eventually she went for her surgery and for past few days she was in pain. I had to keep quiet because she cannot be stressed.

    After few days, eventually she said that for the past few days the serenity and quietness has been great. That she has clear mind and think that I am not the person she can live with. She said she want a man who is generous, open-minded, risk taking and not calculative. My action for the past few month has made it unsettling for her. She said that “how can I not read that book because I am annoyed by a person. I am being narrow-minded and petty.”

    FYI, I am open-minded and risk taker! I am a bit calculative and not so generous but that is because I am not financially able. I do help people when I can. I am kind and considerate person. For the past few month after knowing her, I had tried to do a lot of charities to gain good karma because she said I needed that in my life so that my living can improve.

    From the way the conversation flowed, I know she already made up her mind that I am the kind of man she thinks I am. I never have the chance to explain or defend myself. She said I gave myself a dead sentence the moment I said I hated that book. She was beyond shocked. I knew then the relationship is over.

    I wanted to talk to her but she refuse. She only wanted to text and I am tired of texting and explaining myself which I am sure she will eventually use those text against me. So it ended.

    After it ended, I texted her all I wanted to say to her. I told her I am not taking the blame anymore. She need to deal with her anger. It was useless. Nothing I say matters anymore. I told her I will love her until that day I die. I will keep her in my heart even after she passed. She just replied asking me to take care of myself and she love me always.

    Read some articles on tiny buddha website and links lead me to realize that she has “Borderline Personality Disorder”. She was treated with depression when she was in the states at the age of around 23. She said she is cured and she does seems to have no depression symptoms. Whatever it is, our relationship had very low chance of success with each of us still married to our spouse. One is an easterner and another westerner.
    We live in a totally different lifestyle in different country. I never gave up hope. As long as she still wants me I would do all I can to settle down with her.

    Now I need to move on with my life. I need to mend things back with my wife. However, I do not love her anymore. I know she still love me but I am an extremely loyal person. When I was with Debbie, I have shifted my loyalty towards her. She is the person that I only love since. I have to also admit that the intimacy with Debbie is so good that I would never have that kind of magic with my wife.
    Debbie is my soulmate. My wife is my child’s mother. I am really confused how I should live now. I can never love another person like I love Debbie ever again. Don’t get me wrong. I was highschool sweetheart with my wife. We got married after 10 years of dating. I was loyal to her and never had any other women. Debbie was the only other woman I had. So I am a very loyal man that will never go for prostitutes or flirt around.

    I really really miss Debbie. Why did she see me as this kind of man that I never am. For 30 years, I have done lots of good things and she had to judge me on this one bad thing. I understand her decisions are based on our relationship for the past few months. She came to conclusion that I am not the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. I felt like I didn’t have the closure that I deserve. That is so sad!

    This is such a twist of fate. For 30 years, she was yearning for me. Now that she found me and broke up. It’s my turn to yearn for her and I know I will be like this for my next 30 years if I live that long.

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