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abubin

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  • April 22, 2018 at 8:56 am in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203555
    abubin
    Participant

    It’s been a week now. Still hard as hell. Sometimes I am fine when I am busy with work. Sometimes, I will just, all of a sudden be reminded of her on certain things. Wondering. I have to admit, I do not have much experience with heartbreak. Having one in such an old age, is it harder or easier? I just wonder what I would do for the rest of my life without her. I know I won’t be able to forget her. This burden will be carried with me for the rest of my life. I just want it to be easier. Not feel like a brick stacking on my heart every time I think of her.

    I didn’t realize I am such a weak man, emotionally. I can face obstacles in life no problem. I never run away from problems. I am now facing this great big wall and I am not backing out. I will continue to do things that I said I am going to do. I just wonder how does people close up their heart and not let that part destroy you. Is that from practice or just comes naturally after you are hurt for many times?

    Sorry I am mumbling. I just want to let out my frustrations and disappointments. I used to be a happy-go-lucky person. I lost that person in me when I got married with my wife and had kids. I didn’t miss that happy-go-lucky person because at the back of my mind, I know I need to be a responsible man.

    Until Debbie came to me. She brought back the happy-go-lucky me when we started. That’s the person she fell in love with when she was infatuated with me 30 years ago. I was stupid to go into this relationship head-on. Like I said, I didn’t have much experience with love. Now that it’s over, I can’t go back being me before this bump in my life. It has ruined me forever. I don’t think I will ever love again. I don’t want to anyway at my age and with my haggard looks. I did try to pay more attention to my wife but I just can’t. The feeling is not there anymore. I know I should appreciate what we had together but it is futile. I am ruined! I am broken!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by abubin.
    April 20, 2018 at 6:18 am in reply to: how to forget her when trying to sleep? #203325
    abubin
    Participant

    I don’t get the Lucid dream part. Why is it relevant? I can’t even sleep with my brain constantly thinking about her.

    April 14, 2018 at 7:25 pm in reply to: Engulfed in sadness, anger, disappointment, hopelessness #202417
    abubin
    Participant

    Hi Prashanth,

    When I saw your post title, it immediately attracted my attention to come in and see what it is about. This is because I am also feeling the same things you are feeling now; sadness, anger, disappointment and hopelessness. However, seems like we are on the other end of the relationship spectrum. All those feelings I have are from having a bad relationship and ending it. Trust me, it is really bad as well. I am not trying to discourage you into having a relationship but to let you know that all these feeling comes as we journey into the world of having a relationship (or not). It is beautiful and sometimes very bitter. You need to get your composure right and continue to be yourself. You are only 29, you still have a lot of time ahead of you. When you do get find someone, you will feel young again. That is the magic of having love. Do not need to beat yourself up over your “missing youth”.

    Hope you have a nice day and stay positive!

    April 5, 2018 at 7:11 pm in reply to: My long distance affair and sad breakup #201057
    abubin
    Participant

    At last it happened again. We were texting about me taking English exam (one of the requirements to English speaking countries), and she corrected me on some grammar. So I told her that I will correct myself on it. She said points will be deducted if I did what I did and this was taught to her by tutors who were examiners for the English tests. But I know it is not really a grammar mistake. I started googling about it and found that it is actually okay to do what I did. I pasted a link to some article describing about that and she got angry. We stopped texting until the next day. I asked her if she was still angry and she replied “no comment”. I then told her that I appreciate what she did to me and I will do as what she said, will not write the way that she said was wrong.

    After that she said “whatever” and I started getting angry. It was such a small matter and she blown it up like it’s a big deal. I can’t think of any reason other than she was angry because she cannot lose in this argument. I do not even think it was an argument because I never said demeaning things to her. She then said she felt she is not qualified to comment on my English. And she proceeded to block me in Whatsapp.

    This is it, I guess. I can’t be dealing with a women with this kind of emotions. I cannot even discuss with her why she got so angry since she blocked me. I am really angry and puzzled at the same time. However, this woman does things meticulously. I know she will not block me for just a reason like this. Maybe she has an ulterior motive which I can only speculate. Doesn’t matter since what’s done is done.

    I need to start thinking of moving on with my life. Sigh!

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by abubin.
    March 26, 2018 at 2:55 am in reply to: My long distance affair and sad breakup #199497
    abubin
    Participant

    Sorry, it shouldn’t be called “leap of faith”. More like “dismemberment”. Severing ties with Debbie. Remember, we had “broken up” a few times and every time we reconcile and is together again.

     

    March 22, 2018 at 6:37 pm in reply to: My long distance affair and sad breakup #198905
    abubin
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for putting in such a great perspective. I think I know what I should do. Just that it is really hard. Now I understand why it is so hard for some people to get out of a toxic or abusive relationship. The leap of faith is just too damn hard.

    March 22, 2018 at 2:16 am in reply to: My long distance affair and sad breakup #198749
    abubin
    Participant

    I have been quiet because I am still evaluating my feelings and the relationship. For the past 1 month, Debbie and I has got together again. I went to meet her as planned. It was a short trip but we get to spend some quality time together.

    We have talked about our future together. However, things are looking bleak for us. She said she wanted to concentrate on her career (which she sacrificed when she had children) and she already started her retirement plan with him (her husband) few years ago. She won’t deny that she still want to be with me but her priority is to be able to retire and have a peaceful life without financial worries.

    I don’t blame her fully because I am not capable of providing her in financial terms. My business failed few years back and I am still recovering from it. So I am not able to provide her with financial securities that she want. Not that she is asking for a rich partner but someone to at least provide her with the basic necessities in order not to be struggling through paychecks every month.

    After meeting up with her, she did open herself to me with saying things like she love me and all. However, we had a small argument since then. Even though we are back to “okay”, I felt she has stopped opening herself to me. She don’t say sweet things to me anymore. I am not sure how I feel about this. Because it is a long distance, I think it is important for couples to “keep the flame”. I felt, she didn’t do it because she does not want to be feeling vulnerable. She has this mode when she work or under pressure, she has this side that is cold and proper. She said only I have seen the side of her where she opens up her heart. Am I being too needy?

    Another thing that has been bugging me is that I seems to be like in the lowest priority of her life. Eventhough she love me and she said we might have a chance to be together in the future, she is not making any promises. I need to work hard to “win” her. Like making sure I manage to get to NZ or go to another country to work. Away from places where nobody knows us. Am I stupid to hold on to this woman who does not put me as a priority where I do everything I can and put her as my priority?

    Finally, the main thing that prompted me to repost in this forum is because of something that happened in our last video chat. She said that before he leave for 1 week work overseas he told her that “he will never divorce her”. The thing that is bugging me is the way she said it with a smile. I felt like she was happy to hear him saying something like this to her. My heart sank upon seeing her smiling face when she said this. Am I being too sensitive? Or paranoid?

    I am really in a dilemma for the past few month. It is really hard to have this kind of relationship. However, I have this really strong feelings that if we manage to get together, we will be the happiest couple in the world. Am I holding to a dream that will never come true?

    Should I just wake up and end the relationship? It is really hard. I am really tired. I am really sad. I am really exhausted. I really want this to work out. Am I too selfish? Should I just let her go if I love her? Can I live a life without her?

    March 16, 2018 at 2:11 am in reply to: Scared she thinks she's a rebound and I really like her #197563
    abubin
    Participant

    Do not talk about your ex and compare her with ex. Just enjoy your time and feelings with her as who she is. With enough time, you will proof that she is not a rebound.

    March 16, 2018 at 2:08 am in reply to: I want to move on but i can't forgive her #197561
    abubin
    Participant

    Hi Tom,

    It’s okay not to forgive a person for what she did to you. It is more important not to have any vengeful or anger feelings to her. Try to put this person in an insignificant part of your memory and move on with your life. She is just a page in your life and you actually learn about being manipulated. You will know next time not to fall into the same trap again.

    March 16, 2018 at 1:51 am in reply to: Struggling with jealousy #197559
    abubin
    Participant

    Being a married couple, you need to communicate with him if you do not feel happy with him getting too close to this girl. I am sure he will say it is nothing and that they are just friends. However, you need to explain to him about your uncontrollable jealousy. It’s because you love him a lot. Since you have already tried and you are still jealous, perhaps tell him not to mention this girl in front of you? Since there is nothing going on with him and her, just let whatever happen in office stays in office. You don’t need to know if he made coffee for her.

    You just need to know that he love you and will never cheat on you.

    March 16, 2018 at 1:40 am in reply to: Should we get back together? #197557
    abubin
    Participant

    I have a very similar relationship with such a woman. A woman with anxiety and possible personality disorder issue. When she is angry, nothing goes into her mind. She will start thinking all sorts of nonsense which in the end, she will ask for break up. It happened a few times in a 6 month relationship.

    The good thing about you is that you are aware of your anger issue. You need to learn to control it. Maybe you should ask him to let you cool down whenever you are angry. Or maybe talk it out with him if you are still able to think sanely. Whichever method you think that works for you.

    Please do think from his POV. Without knowing the details of your argument with him, I can only guess from my own experience with such a woman. When she is angry, it is really hard for me. She push me away and say things that hurts. I tried to explain but it never helps. After a few days when things cool down, we are back together. Cause I have been very patient with her. I never show any outburst on her even though I am angry that she is treating me like that. I know if I did, the relationship will be over. I keep telling her how much I love her and that I do not want our relationship to end on some stupid argument.

    Anyway, if you love him and thinks that he love you. Give it another chance. Understand he is also trying his best to cater for your anger issues. It is not fair to put all the blame on him. He is has anger too and think of all the things he did for you.

    Good luck in deciding your happiness. Love is a choice.

    February 26, 2018 at 10:29 pm in reply to: My family doesn't approve of my boyfriend. Should I break up with him? #194931
    abubin
    Participant

     For my boyfriend and me, we’re way past that incident. We’ve both grown and changed.

    Tell that to your parents then. I understand the pressure that comes from Asian parents about one’s choice of partner. However, as an Asian myself, I feel that we need to stand up for our own beliefs. For me, if my parents approve of my partner, then it is good. If they don’t approve (without good reason) then I will continue to be with my partner. It is my future, my happiness, my choice. Do bear in mind, they want the best for you. Try to listen to what they have to say and make decisions from it.

    February 25, 2018 at 11:41 pm in reply to: My family doesn't approve of my boyfriend. Should I break up with him? #194717
    abubin
    Participant

    From what you describe, seems like your family just took it negatively when they heard you have a boyfriend. Why is that?

    Isn’t it a joyous thing to share with your family that you have found a man that you love? You are at the age where you are free to date any man you like. What is wrong with sharing this “happiness” with your family? Why do they see this as something negative without even knowing the man? Is there something happened in between that you didn’t say here?

    February 24, 2018 at 3:19 pm in reply to: Should I call #194293
    abubin
    Participant

    When you said you can’t leave your husband then it’s already decided this affair will not end well. That means you only are with the man for emotional support that your husband cannot give you. That is a dangerous path. Plus, it is a long distance affair. Another 12 month of seeing each other? That will make things even harder. Without seeing a rainbow at the end of the tunnel, why do you even bother? Why does he even bother?

    February 22, 2018 at 7:54 pm in reply to: Avoidants and Awareness #194003
    abubin
    Participant

    Reading this gave me insights to my own relationship issue. Really a good read about avoidants.

    One question for Craig, I feel that you know you have to end the relationship because it won’t work unless she stop avoiding the issue start facing it. However, it is in her avoidant nature to avoid and it cannot be changed. Do you still hanging on to hope of getting back with her?

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