Hi everyone. Just to make the update to this doubt of mine back then.

The situation now is like this: I found a great job here in Croatia (and didn’t have to move to Ireland). It was easier than I expected and I’m very happy with my job now. It’s a stable company, a lot less stresfull job than the last one and I have a good oportunity to get promoted.

I’ve stayed in this relationship. The intimacy problem went away after a while (it was quite a long time, took us 5 months), and I must admit we found a lot of common wishes and ideas we’d like to try, so it was well worth waiting for 😀

We see each other often, spend really nice time together, understand each other and have an unbelievable connection.

And this came as a huge surprise to me, they are now thinking about telling their kids the truth about their situation. They think the older one could figure something out…and it’s hard for them to come up with an excuse every time he comes to see me or she goes away for a week or two to spend time with her partner. Since he was so determinate to keep us a secret and leave the situation as is, I’ve accepted it. Didn’t like it but accepted. And I was even scared now when the things are changing. It seems even too soon. So he said they will consider it and not rush with it jet…but…it’s something they are now ready to do.

So against all odds…this turned better than any of you…or even myself expected.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by Natalija.

dear Peggy you’ve got it wrong. I haven’t manifested anything. The situation is that I don’t have a job here at the moment (except some freelance project that aren’t enough to support me), and no real offer here in Croatia, so it’s quite possible I will be forced to find a job out of the country and move. I didn’t want to mention it right ahead so it doesn’t affect your answers. And it doesn’t have to be permanent or the end of the relationship…if he thinks it would be ok for someone to wait till his children are grown to have a complete relationship…him waiting for me while I work abroad for 6 months or a year shouldn’t be a problem…

But, who knows what will happen now…maybe I’ll find enough new freelance projects to stay here and work alone, maybe I’ll find a job here…and maybe I’ll have to leave to Ireland…

Regarding the intimacy problem…I see a huge leap now, seems he really needed time to relax. No, we didn’t resolve the problem but it seems it’s in the near future.

Valora, they are keeping their dating life a secret at the moment. And probably plan to keep that away from the children. That put aside, I still think kids will figure out that their relationship is not a loving one. But in the end, as anita is saying…there are a lot of married couples who don’t have a perfect relationship and aren’t a good example.

As for the job…the chance for me looking for one outside this country is bigger and bigger. Since that was my wish long time ago and never had a real chance…now I don’t have anything stopping me. And….yesterday he said the wrong thing (for the first time), Don’t know what was his intention, maybe just an innocent comment. But he said he never had quit one job without having another. To me it sounded like a critic of my situation…which I didn’t choose and couldn’t predict (i had a serious job offer at the moment, at least that looked like that).

He says he doesn’t feel anything anymore toward her…he is indifferent now. Not hurt openly.  So living like this isn’t something he sees as a problem. But I believe it could be. And I believe some consequences still linger in his life since we have a problem now.

Dear Peggy, I understand what you are trying to say. Believe me, I have the need to run as fast as I can…and as far away as I can from it…while I still can. Part of me knows I’m already too deep…but part of me is not willing to sacrifice my goals and wishes over somebody else…that is something I did in a way once.

But…he really is the only person in my life who looks at me like…I’m some kind of miracle…and acts with complete respect and care for me. That’s pretty big thing for me…and letting that go…just doesn’t feel right. If there is any hope for things to turn out better.

I’m very well aware that the current situation is everything but good for me.

Valora, of course…his situation has some impact on his ability to be intimate with me and that is a real problem. I hope he will figure out a way to fix that.
About their relationship…I know…this could turn out badly at some point. She has a long distance relationship so it’s not serious because they can see each other like once a year. Don’t know why she’s even trying to keep a relationship like that alive. I see she has a bit of a hard time now since she was the one ending their relationship…and loosing his support (which was huge in financial and every other way)…and now seeing he is moving on and happy in something close by…while she has such a complicated long distance relationship.

One thing I’m sure is that he has absolutely no intention in ever getting close with her again (she truly betrayed him and his trust), so that’s something I’m not worried about… but this 13 years…is just not something I would be ready to wait for our relationship to be…public and that we could live together than. If this would be heading in some serious direction.

So…it seams I only have two options…give up on everything…which would make me really sad…or accept the fact it’s a half relationship that can only be like this for a long time. Since I’ve had one similar for a number of years…but still did’t regret it…that is an option. But… I feel I’m too old now to be…spending so much time in a relationship that…honestly has no real future together. Yes, sometimes it can surprise you. But I can’t count on that, can I?

I already had a good experience with my friend.
I reacted when I felt like she is calling just to ask for favors instead of asking how I was. At the time I was in a really bad situation because a friend of mine (woman I considered almost a mother to me) died.
I told her (maybe not in a best way) how I feel…at first she said she didn’t deserve this…and then tried to understand how and why I feel that way. And it made us even closer 🙂

Well, this is a great explanation of why my confidence is low…and my brother’s too.

I feel like I have some when things are right, there aren’t major problems at work, I have some other project to work on, finances are all right (which is almost impossible to obtain in this crazy little country).

But when problems appear or something from my private life influence me, I feel defeated. And this is a state I was in for a few months now…because I had to get a loan (big one) to do some serious dental work. Now I feel somehow forced to stay at the same job and same place because of the security…and this is something I was trying to avoid my whole life.

I think that the most important thing for me would be to find ways to change things I’m not comfortable with earlier than I did. I usually find the courage to make big changes at the moment when things become bad enough, almost unbearable.

I should be able to express disagreement and try to resolve the conflict or the situation I’m uncomfortable in earlier.

Thank you Anita.

Well, this sentence never really trusting my feelings…i had them screaming sometimes, telling me I’m standing at a really insecure ground. But even consciously ignoring them.

I think what I fear the most is not having conection with people. Real and healthy ones, that in the end I didn’t have in my family, all of my relationships and some friendships. And what I know now is that setting a boundary of any kind, or saying no feels really uncomfortable. Like I’m expected to do what someone is asking of me because I love them. Like you need to prove it that way.

At the moment I cant afford therapy sessions, but a few years ago I went to a psychotherapist for a few months. We have scratched the surface and opened some of the hard parts (that revolved around my family)…she also told me that every feeling I have is valid. Which sounded so weird to me since I’ve always thought of myself as too sensitive. Or even dramatic sometimes.
And this helped a lot…and I tried to continue working on it myself. Reading a lot, meditating, tryng to understand myself better. Because I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to fit in in other peoples picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need to begin with.