Hey Tee,

honestly we haven’t really talked about long term goals or anything like that. Not a thought she has really entertained herself which I’m fine with in a way because I felt like it did put pressure on me as a partner with my exes whenever we spoke about the future. It also planted an expectation in my head.

I do feel like I don’t get opportunities to talk about how I’m feeling. Only today I mentioned I have been really stressed out at work (I got blindsided by a review where I felt like it was focusing on a few little mistakes I made in 2-3 weeks rather than my entire year as a whole). I expected her to atleast ask, what happened at work? Or why is it stressing you out? But there wasn’t even a question about it. Just a simple “yeah that’s fair” as a reply. So I guess it does feel like I can’t communicate why I’m upset about things and that just makes me more upset.

I would say she is happy go lucky although she isn’t extremely bubbly. She doesn’t seem to want to open up about anything or ask what’s going on with me when I make it obvious something is up. So it can confuse me a bit and make me overthink. Maybe this is something I should mention?

Hey Tee,

I hope you are doing well also! I understand we all have things come up in our lives so don’t feel bad about taking some time off. I try to check here every now and then for replies. It’s great to hear from you again 🙂

It’s still going really well, it’s a breathe of fresh air me and unlike any relationship I’ve had so far. The relationship just feels a lot more relaxed. Both on the same page.

Hey Tee,

I hope you are also well and taking care of yourself. You were honestly one of my biggest supports during one of the hardest times in my life. Thank you once again.

I am doing well over all I believe. I have started to see a new girl who is completely different to my ex. She works, doesn’t have mental illness and it more responsible and mature. It’s a lot different to what I am use to in comparison to past relationships. In saying all this we haven’t had any deep conversations really but we are both happy with how it’s going. I am enjoying the casualness of it as well as keeping some of my own independence.

My final psych appointment (for the time being) was good. I go through stages where I do quite down over what happened and she reassured me that it’s normal, it just feels like I should be past it more by now. The other important thing my psych mentioned was how I might be finding it harder with new relationships that are more stable simply because I am not getting that ‘high’ that comes from a ‘low’. Rather it’s a steady and healthy pace, however I need to remind myself that this is a good thing.

So I am good at the moment. The hardest thing is I am still not over how it all happened and how I was blind to it at the time, it’s really hard for me. I know she is in a new relationship and honestly all that sits fine with me but I do find it hard coping with just not knowing. We both have our own story but I know I put in a lot of effort and made myself vulnerable in the end. I will soon be at complete peace with it I hope.

In the meantime I am focusing on myself as much as I can. I also had two new roommates move in which has been great financially and mentally for me too.

It’s great to hear from you again Tee 🙂

Hey Tee,

I know it wasn’t the right move now and I do honestly regret it a little. I was genuinely so certain that she wouldn’t even care at the time. I definitely see how it was a red flag for her, it was so unlike me and for that reason I tried making up for it by fighting but I think I just embarrassed myself a tad. I really opened up to her and got frustrated when I wasn’t getting the response I thought I would.

In the long run I think it was good for me deep down. As much as I wanted someone to spend time with, and I thought she was a compatible partner but if that happened after 3-4 weeks then it wasn’t going to work. I’m going to let it calm down and maybe message her in the future again but I think I made a fool out of myself and she will only remember how it ended.

I do see how it was an unbalanced solution now, that’s why I regret how I handled it. However I told her I was embarassed, regretful and wanting to continue to get to know her and move forward. Only she didn’t agree and that’s when she said it wouldn’t be fair on me, atleast she was honest in a way.

That was exactly what happened, once she withdrew it felt like I was with my ex again. Massive red flag for me. I asked her to tell me when she is feeling off and she replied that how can she tell me when she doesn’t tell anyone.

My ex did reply and it was very unexpected. All she said was sorry for not replying to past messages, she appreciates me and learnt a lot from me but doesn’t think it’s a good idea to talk or reconnect. Honestly I was so surprised I even got a reply so I am happy with that even if it is months later. I’m not sure if I will even reply, I want to say I’ll always be there for her and want to make it work but she should already knows that.
I think I have trouble letting people go who I see as a potential partner, this new girl felt like I just put her into the role of my ex and when I didn’t get what I expected I panicked almost.

That is exactly what I want from a partner. I wanna hear all the little things about their day, both good and bad. I want someone who isn’t going to pull away from a disagreement or be distant when things aren’t going great, someone who knows what they want and will fight to make it work.

There are obviously a lot more things I want in a partner, I will write up a proper list but that’s a good start.

Hey Tee,

I hope you are enjoying your holiday!

I didn’t want to feel the attachment if it was only me. I noticed after our last date it seemed like something changed and it really played in my mind. I went from getting a good morning text nearly everyday to barely getting one message a day. I asked her out one last time and she didn’t seem keen. I ended up just removing her off my socials and within half an hour she noticed and got upset. It frustrated me how she saw that but not other messages that sat there for hours at times. I tried to reason and left it up to her if she wanted to continue talking but that was enough for her to not want to. I think it was a good thing, she was a really cool girl but it made me realise I’m just not ready for something like that again, not that I was looking for it but it happened. I may have gone about it the wrong way but that’s okay I’m still learning.

She thought I did it all for attention when really it was to protect myself because I felt how I did with my ex when I wasn’t getting any communication but I could see that she was online. I definitely opened up to her too much in the end and that’s something I got to be careful of. I’m too honest for my own good at times but I think someone will appreciate that one day.

I am just going to try focus on me more everyday. I went from feeling so lonely because of that girl to feeling more independent and because I wasn’t anxiously waiting for a message I was really productive so I think it will be good in the long wrong if I have a break from talking to people seriously.

I do regret it a little bit as I did want to get to know her more but if I noticed some redflags of mine that early on then it was probably never going to work for me. She admitted it wouldn’t be fair on me with her mood swings and disappearing so in the end she must have had some issues packed away if she told me this.

Your response made a lot of sense to me. It’s winter where I am living and I think this is also making it harder for me occasionally. I’m not as inclined to get out due to weather. I’m still trying to workout most days and keep on top of house work as much as possible. I think I need a hobby though. I haven’t gamed in months still and I feel like I have to confront doing things by myself and not rely on a partner.

Hey Tee

I understand that I’m not always going to good and bad days. Accepting this has helped a fair bit I think.

She does smoke but in general she seems a lot more reserved. My ex was very clinging and all about me from the very start and as much as I like that I think it created attachment too early for me. From now on I’m going to try be more opened minded and also aware of red flags.

It’s more that I hold myself to a high standard, sometimes I just expect too much from myself I think. I need to tell myself more I’m doing a good job in general. I am trying to talk to myself positively and it does help.

Hey Tee,

I am glad that I’m noticing the changes now. I honestly don’t think I would even want to ever connect with my ex again and that’s a thought I haven’t had before.

The date went really well actually.  I’m in a bit of a dilemma because I am obviously not fully healed yet so I know I still need time. However I know this girl is very interested in me, she already asked me onto a second date. I am happy to continue seeing her and see how things go. I may need to tell her that I need to take things slower if I don’t feel comfortable but I’ll take it as it comes.

I am trying to pace myself more, I still want to experiment and see other people so I am not putting all my eggs into one basket this time. I look back now and realise why I felt so strongly for my ex and how we started was a big thing for me. She really did chase me at first and I liked that.

I will do my best not to rush, I don’t plan on jumping into anything this time. I rather delay it as long as possible but I don’t want to push people away either.

Yeh gaming and smoking go hand in hand usually. But at the moment I haven’t been gaming at all. Barely looked at a screen in the last month besides my phone, there’s just no desire. I think I relied on partners for something to do and a way to keep occupied also. I don’t feel motivated to even watch a movie by myself, for some reason it only feels special and enjoyable with someone for an example.

Hey Tee

My psych said a similar thing. It wasn’t that she didn’t care about me but that there wasn’t some care factor in the relationship and if she didn’t care for certain things which was most likely related to her trauma. That’s what I gathered anyway. She also reassured me that 5 weeks in still very fresh when you think about the time we shared together. I can’t move it’s too difficult. I am ere too stay but that’s okay I doubt I will see her around very often, I hope that was just a one off. To be honest in the back of my mind I have been ‘looking out for her’ on my daily travels.

Yes she would always flee, my psych thinks that she also struggles to be alone. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in a relationship quite soon but I will do my best to not let it bother me. I’m very optimistic about my future however my frustration comes from knowing I have a process to get there.

I completely trusted this girl probably nearly more than anyone. I trusted her like family and I genuinely believed she would never leave me again. It’s obvious she was just telling me what I wanted to hear.

I feel like as time went on she became more blaming and less understanding. In the beginning she just came off as a lot more laid back and wouldn’t overreact as much.

I actually told myself that I can put up with 6 months of it and would do my best to be there for her during the 2 week withdrawals. Very demanding of myself without even adding in her demands.

I think her trauma did overtake her as time went on. In the beginning I don’t think she had any seizures. However as time went on I noticed them more often.

I completely understood where she was coming from. Another conversation that I had with my psych was that I genuinely wanted to help her. Obviously I wanted to help her so we could have a healthy relationship but I came to the conclusion that even if she did heal but decided she didn’t want a relationship I believe I would’ve taken the break up a lot better. Basically she may have been a lot more rational and understanding while giving me proper closure and talking about things. It’s like she was too scared to talk to me because she would have to face that she was an issue and caused me a lot of distress with her abuse. It’s sad because I never actually got to see the real her only glimpses. But I feel like if my ex was healthier we would’ve been great together, unfortunately that isn’t reality and she may always be this way.

After my session my psych doesn’t believe it has to do with my inner child but rather a need for validation from a partner because otherwise it makes me feel unwanted and uncared for. Like something is wrong with me almost.

I really did fall in love with her from the get go, I knew the second we first spoke we would have something. I fell in love with that version of her in the beginning. Obviously we couldn’t always maintain that honeymoon stage but that’s what got me hooked. It’s why I still want her back and I realise that it wouldn’t be healthy. I am searching for that spark again.

I don’t think there is a hole in me I do relate to wanting a oneness though. It was a really good session today my psych gave me a lot of closure I was looking for. She makes me feel sane even though I know I am. We did an exercise on what I would say to her if I could and I also had to think of what she would say. It was quite hard but it was good to get it out. I think she knows how she made me feel, she can’t be that blind to it. But I don’t think she justifies it in her mind and it makes it easier for her. I was abused and She wouldn’t want to believe that or hear it. As I said earlier I only wanted to help her but that was my biggest mistake.