@newlife123

@seekingsatisfaction: Hi guys 🙂
I see you made my thread into your own private chat! I joke..

I didn’t mean to cause any upset or negativity I just wanted to hear what Anita thought of your views Dina. I really liked your outlook and comments on my thread because they relate to me – your view of the her relationship with this guy is almost identical to how she explains it; she’s told me he means nothing to her and how she only tells me stuff because I’m her best friend and she loves nothing more than telling me her daily stories. Also you seem to have similar anxiety/fears in your relationship, though you’re doing a lot better than me at handling them! I loved your posts on a thread called ‘friendliness/flirting/trust’ too.. They helped a lot 🙂

Now that’s out the way.. I thought I’d take some time and gather my thoughts before I actually replied plus I’ve been overally busy at work! I’ll give you an update on where I stand.. There’s a lot I’ve learned over this month so give me a chance.

I believe it’s all my insecurities and it’s something I’m really struggling with. I put this down to a few things; I moved away from working with her and seeing her almost everyday. That I viewed this friend as attractive, funny and dateable and also because I was cheated on in my last meaningful relationship. One of the clearest indications to me is that when I picture all the things I fight with her over (with this guy) being done with another guy at work, I don’t feel threatened at all. The game seems purposeless and a joke, not flirty. I see it all as friends at work and not someone she really likes but as soon as its him, I get all anxious again.
I explained how my girlfriend’s a kind soul but this is mainly because of how insecure she is and her low self esteem. Whenever someone’s friendly to her she enjoys that attention and gets attached straightaway – male or female.

She explained how this ‘game’ wasn’t even as big or relevant as its now become after all the arguments; it was only mentioned on the day they found it and when she gave it him back on his last day which he then left in his locker for her.
My problem now is that I’ve made this into such a huge issue that my anxiety and fears are taking over on a daily basis. When I think of her in the morning, I feel anxious and think of him. I constantly fear she’ll be overally friendly with another guy and I picture her relationship with him again. I guess I got used to the idea and security that I was the only guy she really spoke to before I left work – she wasn’t as close or confident with anyone else.
I want to be able to feel as confident and comfortable with her again. I feel like I’ve lost all my confidence and I hinge on her every word – I believe anything bad or twist her words and find it hard to believe any good.

She tells me if she knew her friendship would’ve caused her to lose me/hurt me.. She would never have risked it. That I’m her first and only love and the idea of giving someone else more importance than me isn’t imaginable. She’s told me countless times that she wants nothing more than to be my wife and how nothing would make me happier. How she didn’t find him attractive and their friendship was nothing meaningful, just a laugh at work. Why is it I find it so hard to let go of this or am I not trying hard enough? I did mention previously that I’d find it a lot easier to just let go but I know now that I’d carry these anxieties into my next relationship – and the truth is I don’t want no one else. It’s just my anxiety makes me not want this anymore or view her the same – it’s as if she’s cheated.

One negative I’ve found is that I had told her how much this guy bothered me – I explained how he made me uneasy and jealous. She comforted me on that day and told me she didn’t want me feeling that way, how he means nothing to her and no one would take my place. But after this she still went onto giving him this thing back on his last day and then telling me about it when he left it for her. It makes me feel betrayed thinking how she carried on knowing how much it hurt me (putting their friendship before me) and I think why she’d do that if he meant nothing?

Any suggestions on how to not let my anger overcome me when I think of all this? We’ve been arguing almost every week over the same stuff.. I get anxious, interrogate her and we break up. Once I calm down and think of how she is with me.. I’m back grovelling. She’s told me she wants nothing but me to go back to being the same confident guy she fell in love with and I can’t help but think I’ve ruined our relationship.

Hope you’re both doing well and would love to hear your inputs again 🙂

Thank you Adam

@seekingsatisfaction: Thought I’d give you both this update. Me and my girlfriend spoke and I’ve told her how I’ve used this site to help me 🙂 although you’ve made me see more sense to her actions I told her I’m finding it extremely hard to get over her hurting me. I’ve realised I’m more scared of her now than ever.. That whenever she speaks about another guy I get worried about the words that’ll come out her mouth. I also told her that committing to her and us for a long-term relationship is really hard for me to do whilst I feel like this. I feel more at ease whilst she’s tearing herself apart. I told her maybe in time when we’ll get back to how we used to be but for now, I’m much happier just with myself at the moment.

@newlife123: hello again 🙂 sorry I should’ve been clearer – she never argued back, it was always me and that’s the truth. She’d always accept and regret her mistakes.. It’d be more me continuously bringing it back up again. The first guy she used to get me jealous – anytime we’d mention or he’d fall into conversation, I’d get nervy and from there, pick up anything she’d say to suggest she liked him. I guess what she said always stuck with me and made me think that she’d always wanted him and I was second choice. It’s only recently she told me she’d only used him to make me jealous and I know now that’s not true and I’m working to erase him from my head.

I may be naive or pushing things to the side because of how much I like her and the plans I had for us but what I said about her is true. She is naive and she’s never had no one before me.. If you read what I said about her being a Muslim girl and putting her values at risk for me. But that she’s innocent and doesn’t like/appreciate another guys attention is something I question more now I guess or how easy she’ll start liking another guys company – she never used to feel the need to speak or get friendly when I used to work with her but that all changed when I left. She’d told me that was her just trying to be normal and get over missing me not being around as much. When I say naive I mean she doesn’t know how to act or deal with situations as she’s not used to them. She says having a boyfriend is new to her so she didn’t know the boundaries I’d expect.. But surely these are obvious ones? I’ve made mistakes with my first girlfriends in the past too and they’ve forgiven me.. Why can’t I do the same?

I wouldn’t.. But talking to you, laying out what’s actually happened in my relationship makes me realise that she’s hurt me and how much it actually bothers me.

I’m okay and even with my update I hope you keep posting back – it feels good being able to have someone to help me unravel my feelings.

Thank you, Adam

@newlife123: Thank you for the constant replies. This is my first ever post and you guys have been ridiculously helpful! 🙂

That’s true – the truth is the ex who cheated on me didn’t mean half as much as this girl and that’s why I guess it was easier to get over. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me but it was much easier to leave the relationship.
I can handle arguments in my relationship but trust is something I value the most in a relationship. I’ve always stood by the idea that if the girl I’m with hurts/shows me she doesn’t want me in any sort of way then I’m done. But I almost feel tied to this girl, I’ve invested a lot of time and effort.
What you and him said is very true; the hurt was unreal and very painful to be honest.
The first guy: thinking I wasn’t good enough or that I was second choice. And this guy at work: thinking I was being replaced and she enjoyed the company of another man.
The pain is real and that’s why I find it hard to get over especially that it’s the second time it’s happened. My question is how do I let go and move on in this relationship without minimising the pain? And surely my overthinking has played a part in it? But I’ve told her I didn’t make up the scenarios all by myself.

Thanks Adam

@seekingsatisfaction: 🙂 I’m glad – honestly. Your post was as if my girlfriend herself had written it up and trying to make me see sense!

That’s true – my fear is if I was to break up this relationship is that I’d carry these new thoughts and fears into my next relationship as I said to Anita. I don’t want to be that guy that controls his girlfriend and doesn’t allow her to have/speak about other friends. Again, as I mentioned to Anita, this is probably the first relationship which has meant a great deal to me with the others being flings – so communicating has and will help. After we talked she definitely understands how much it’s all bothered me and sounds keen to rectify her mistakes as I’ve explained.

I’ll definitely try that – I know she’s not meant to hurt me by the things she’s said/done but I completely feel the same in that I feel ‘angry/upset/irrational’ at times. Once I feel like that I feel obliged to make her hurt in exactly the same way which is a personality trait of myself I hate. I can’t stand being hurt, especially not by the people I hold closest to me. This is the same in all my relationships – be it my parents, friends or girlfriend. A personal question: After he’s giving you a sane and loving explanation, how do you get over the things he’s done that have hurt in the past when anxiety keeps creeping in?

Thank you – you’ve made me see it clearer especially with the sacrifices she’s made. When I did talk to her bluntly about it, she did tell me that I shouldn’t expect her to just know; she’s not a mind reader which is true. She laid out plans that whenever either of us felt hurt/upset, we’d not just assume the other person knows and rather speak to one and other – not attach blame or assume the other person intentionally set out to hurt but to hep understand what they meant.

The thing is when she has hurt me in the past with the jealousy at the beginning and guy at work; I’ve held onto them and it feels like I’ll never move on at times. Whilst right now we’re doing what you’ve suggested in giving it time, deciding to speak less and give each other some space, I’m not sure if I’m slowly moving on and getting used to the idea of not being with her; without her I feel alot calmer and anxiety free yet I can’t see myself moving on with anyone else. Whereas when I’m with her, I feel at my happiest but soon after my anxiety and fears return.
If you read my reply to Anita you’ll see I can really relate to what you said in your post ‘Why can’t I be satisfied?’ – looking for excuses to leave and always having doubts whoever I’m with. The question of magically ‘just knowing’ is something that really makes me question! But like I said, I’ve not been with a girl before who makes me as happy, understands me or care for me as much as she does.

I appreciate the time you’ve spent to help massively – both you and Anita 🙂

Thanks, Adam

@newlife123: Thank you again. I guess with previous relationships I’d never felt so attached or liked the girl as much as I do now. Also past girlfriends haven’t really tried to make me jealous in that way either – when she’d talked about the guy at the beginning of our relationship, it’d always make me question and maybe that’s where my insecurities stemmed from – like I said even hearing his name now can still make my heart drop. I’ve always felt like I fear commitment though, whenever a relationship got past the 6+ months stage I’d always question if I really like her? If she’s who I want? I’d search for the wrongs and I guess knowing that there’s a lifetime commitment here probably makes me question more and feel even more frightened.

She’s always been sure though – she tells me how she’s lucky to have found someone like me and she’d want nothing more than to have me as her life partner. That’s why she’d make me jealous at the beginning because I’d always shut down the marriage conversation and always remind her that ‘it was just abit of fun’ whereas she’d always wanted more.

That’s the other thing; I’ve spoke to her about it and she’s promised to change her ways like I said in my last post – she’s told me she realises she doesn’t need anyone else and she understands how no boyfriend would enjoy hearing about another guy so much.
My trouble is forgiveness. How do I look past it all? How do I stop the insecure medley thoughts in my head? Ive turned it into such a big deal in my head that I find it hard to look past – to the point where I’d think about it even when with her.
I’ve told her I forgive her in the past, a week or two passes and we repeat the whole argument again. I’m tired of it and I can’t begin to imagine how she feels knowing she’s never had feelings for any of these guys yet I’m picking on her because of it.
Funny thing is if it was the other way round, she’d have no issues in forgiving me.

@seekingsatisfaction I’d love to hear more from you if you don’t mind – your perspective really helped too.

What would you say about her wanting to keep the item? When I told her it bothered me she asked if I wanted her to throw it away but again, I made it out like it didn’t bother me and didn’t want to sound like the controlling boyfriend. In my eyes, she knew it bothered me and she should’ve taken the steps to throw it away, not ask me.

Thank you again,
Adam

When I told her.. she said I had nothing to worry about. That he was just a good friend that she’s got along with. I was slightly calmed by this but then the game followed after and my head just spiralled out of control again.

He then left working there and left her the item which she ended up keeping as memory – we argued numerous times about it all, not just her keeping it, and she ended up throwing it away after soon after.

Truth is, she’s made me jealous in the past too – used another guy at the start of our relationship to tease and make me jealous. She’d joke how ‘he’s one any girl would want to be with’ and when I’d say you’ve chose the wrong guy, she’d tell me how ‘it’s because I’d come in all chatty first’. Although I think I’m over that and I believe her in when she says she had no feelings for him either – his name still gives me that sinking anxious feeling too.

I don’t understand why there always has to be another guy in our relationship? Love shouldn’t be about me constantly having to doubt or thinking whether she’s going to stay or not right? I used to be confident and have never felt like this before in a relationship.

Hope that clears it up! Thanks again
Adam