Hi Anita, Thank you for answer. Yes, last year was exactly this: lack of pressure, the quiet, and the freedom of doing what I want to – which is not stressing about having someone to spend christmas dinner with. And to make it clear: I don’t mind meeting with people on christmas, I just hate the christmas dinner because I have such bad memories from this day. I know perhaps isolating is not a good idea but I think this is what I need currently.

thank you and I wish you a great holiday season!

Yeah, you’re right Anita. Thanks for making me feel better. And thank you for posting here.

It might be that she pursued me. Or it might be more complex. 

Similar situation happened to me already, with other girl I knew from university. We also worked together for a short time and I am sure I did absolutely nothing to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But she thought I was attracted to her and was very disappointed and surprised when I told her  (she asked me if I liked her that way) that it didn’t even cross my mind to think about her that way. So.. maybe this is how it is. I heard straight guys are always afraid gay men would hit on them. Seems like this is similar case. And it’s disappointing. 

part of me thinks she was craving affection and attention so much that she took whatever I gave her. She told me about her dates with guys and how she was always rejected, they never called or texted her again.  I knew she felt horrible and unwanted.  I don’t think it was her looks, I think it was more of a being „too much” problem that scared them off. So perhaps I was the one who gave her attention and kind of „guy” vibe as I was not a typical girlie-bestie for her, I guess? 

it is probably probable (lol) that you too had thoughts about her, I wonder if she could think of me as  attractive, and/ or I wonder how it’d feel to be with her, 

Now thinking about it I never wondered whether she would find me attractive because I knew she liked me a lot,  more than I liked her. Even if not romantically, I saw how excited she was about me and put a lot of effort.   

I am angry at myself that I got so close with her. It was all too much and I did have some thoughts about her. It’s just… the girl I dated in the past was more of a typical tomboy, looked like a boy and was more androgynous. That is, more less, my type.

And then I met her and she was this cute, sweet feminine girl. I guess I had some thoughts, at the beginning, before I got to know her more, about how it would be like with a feminine girl.  Her behavior and her being ‘too much’ made me think about it less and less.

Sometimes what we think and feel expresses itself in our facial expressions, tone of voice, a word here and there..  before we realize it.

Yeah, I might have done something to make her feel like that. I just never thought she would perceive it that way. I guess when someone is heterosexual then it shouldn’t „work”. If you know what I mean? Like a gay guy hitting on a straight guy. It will never work. That’s how I thought of her. It should be impossible for her to have those ideas.

 she was pursuing you for a romantic/ sexual experience and/ or for a possible full-fledged relationship.

The two of us sleepover thing was a bit too much, especially when we easily could travel with bigger group. It would be nicer and my bf wouldn’t have to stay at home alone. Now thinking about it she pursued it way too much. 

I think that following unsuccessfully pursuing you for a long time, she felt rejected and angrily, wanted to show you that someone (handsome) finds her attractive even though you didn’t.

But he is not even handsome. To be honest I think it’s kind of trashy. This guy texted her after two years, while he was drunk and she got excited and responded and now they’re in love.

– I don’t think she’s suffering from depression as a result of you rejecting her romantically, but I think that the rejection is the reason behind her changed mood, behavior and cognition that you described earlier (not texting you back, not joining group chats, etc.)

I was thinking about texting her earlier and asking about this but now I think it’s for the better that she disappeared. We never should have gotten so close and I should never accepted the gifts and responded to her elaborate life stories. It should have stayed more distant. Gosh, I feel like I cheated.

I will start by saying I did tell her I was bisexual and had experience with girls in the past. I told her about one girl I used to date.

To be honest when I read your response Anita, I felt kind of shocked that you just figured it out. 

Now I feel horrified that I actually might have done something to make her feel like I was hitting on her.

She did behave in… girly, flirty manner. I think it’s just her way of being – I did see it couple of times when were in the office. But she did behave like that in my presence only. She did invite me to a trip (I didn’t go, my boyfriend didn’t mind but in the end I didn’t want to spend money on the trip with her whereas me and my bf rarely travel and we try to save money for one vacation per year. ) But she did talk about the trip many many times. With sleepover and with other friend, but later just two of us. There was one time I said okay we can go, but we never did. Later I proposed that we can go on a trip the three of us: me, my boyfriend and her, or some of her friend/sister or whatever, but she said no. She said she didn’t want to be a burden or interrupt my time with my boyfriend. I told her it’s fine (It was not up to her to decide that me and my boyfriend need alone time, we don’t mind going on trips with family or friends) but she said no, thank you and she also said she couldn’t afford it. Later she came back to the idea of trip only for us two.

this sentence still puzzles me, and it puzzled me from the moment I read it.

To provide some more content for you Anita: at the beginning when we first met we did not talk that much. It was once a week or during work. But I had some tough time with my roommate situation and we texted couple of times in the evening. It was late. One time she told me: (paraphrased) I need to find a boyfriend to shop bothering you in the evenings/I feel like we talk a lot these days, more than we used to/ I will keep looking for a boyfriend to leave you alone. 

And yes, I told her I didn’t mind. In the lights of recent events (her finally finding a boyfriend and leaving me alone) it makes sense.

My problem in understanding this is why did she say in the same sentence that she would prefer spending this time with a boyfriend?  Not with another, or other girlfriends (so to ease the burden on you), but with a boy friend.

it could be that she sent you the photos and talked to you about them getting married etc., because she was (like you suggested as a possibility) that she was jealous of you for being in a relationship while for a long time, she was not.

She was clearly bragging that she had a boyfriend and showed me photos for me to see him, see how he looks like, that he is handsome etc. But I don’t think the purpose was that she wanted me to be attracted to him and think „wow that’s a handsome man”. Or was it? 

It is possible (I thought about this yesterday), that since you and her share the same coworker, that there was some gossip going around, and he/ she told her that you said something to the effect of her taking too much of your time

I think she felt like a burden because there were times she was too much. And she told us that some people in the past used to tell her that she was too much. And sometimes she was. She used to text us long messages on weekends, but also on weekdays, in the evenings. She shared photos, videos, stories from her vacation, holidays, meetings with family, music she liked etc. Sometimes it was hard to keep up and respond to those messages. Certainly it was hard to return the same – I did not have that much to share or writing skills to write about myself.

She wrote me several letters. First time that we were in the office she gave me gift – lots of stuff, she spend so much money on this and she attached a letter to it. It was nice but a bit .. well, too much. I did not get her anything and it was a bit awkward. Since then she bought me several gifts on different occasions. I bought her something two or three times because I felt like it was appropriate since she did. 

Maybe sometimes I did more because I felt like I had to, so that she didn’t feel like she put in so much effort and I didn’t put any. You know what I mean?  Although normally I wouldn’t buy her a present without occasion. 

It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close, as in a romantic kind of close, and in sending you the photos etc., she was trying to say: I am heterosexual!

hah. Honestly. I don’t know anymore. Yes it’s possible

Maybe she felt some kind of a romantic attraction to you; maybe she felt that you felt a romantic attraction to her. Maybe both. And it troubled her.. maybe.

Maybe I did something to make her feel that way. Maybe it was the dynamic between us that she was this girly, cutesy one and I am not a girly one, I am more.. gender neutral when it comes to clothes or behaving.  I wear make up and all, but you wouldn’t describe me as girly. She used to joke about pink color, painting her nails, glitter etc I think she was trying to be cute very often. So maybe it was this contrast between us that she felt comfortable being more feminine in front of me because I am not very feminine. I don’t know if this makes sense. 

She did send me her photos too. I never commented on them since I did not know the point of sending them. There were photos of her in the car or before the work meetings, she was dressed up etc.

She sent me valentine cards too. We texted on valentines day and she did send me lots of funny cards and pictures. 

It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close”, it was before I read this paragraph, and although I read it yesterday, I didn’t remember your words “too close“).

It was definitely too close, and I knew it then. She was too much and it was too much and perhaps I could have tried to not let her be that close.

I am not suggesting that your friendships carry a romantic or sexual tones, not at all. What I am saying is that for some people, maybe for a lot of people, “too close” and “too intense” connects (in their minds) to romantic and sexual. Maybe that’s what happened in her mind, which would make the sentence that puzzled me, no longer puzzling.

Maybe not in other cases but in this one, yes. 

 maybe, in her mind, sending you a message is like cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe sending you a message makes her feel discomfort regarding her romantic/ sexual orientation mix.

Perhaps.

if she chats with you, she has to chat with the other coworker; if she chats with the other coworker, she has to chat with you. It’s a group chat.

She liked some guy from work but he rejected her. He kind of liked her at first but they were flirting only, I think she liked him more. They went out two times, didn’t lead to anything. So I wouldn’t be surprised she does not want to talk to him either. 

oh, oh, heart emojis? You know that this is connecting to my theory or a romantic interest/ confusion.

I remember at first, she was very affectionate and we all jokes at work that she sends heart emojis and is very sweet and everything. Most of people were not very used to this but with time some of us also started adding heart reactions to messages. I joked I never used that many heart emojis before in my life. I think in a way I wanted to be more „nice” since she was so nice and cute and I didn’t want to seem harsh. I think she was fishing for compliments and for affection and sometimes I wanted to be nice. 

the fit between my theory and what you share is getting tighter and tighter: you meant friendly heart emojis; she saw romantic heart emojis, and for that reason, she couldn’t send you heart emojis back..?

She sent LOTS of hearts. Lots of emotional letters, descriptions, confessions about how she likes me and values me.

I will close this long post with this: you seem to be a caring person, and seems to me that this friendship has been troubled- not because of any wrongdoing on your part- but because of some gossip material that you don’t know about, and/ or because of an inaccurate projection that she has made, and/ or because of a romantic and/ or sexual confusion and conflict on her part, and/ or some other trouble within her. Lots and lots of people are troubled in all kinds of ways.

Thank you Anita. I will learn on my mistakes. Now I know I don’t have to match someone’s affection or return the affection only because someone craves it. Especially when I am not interested in “that way” and when I am in a relationship. Seems to me like I did something to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But I guess I will never know. It’s sad that it had to end but I think it really had to. 

Helcat, Thank you for your answer but it’s not the case of slower replies or my standards of communicating. It’s okay though. Have a nice evening 🙂

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your response.. and your analysis, if I can call it that way. Yes, it seems like you have a point.

Almost as if she was angry at you and tried to hurt your feelings, as in saying (paraphrased): I prefer to spend my time with someone else (a boyfriend) than with you!

i remember I was surprised when hearing this because I was in a relationship and it really did not bother me that we were friends and we were talking or texting sometimes, mostly during work hours. What’s wrong with that?  There are days when  I have lots of time for lunch break so we talked (with her and with other coworkers). It’s something that keeps us sane at work, I think.

But the way she phrased it, it seemed like she.. resented me. But for what? For needing to talk to me? For having some emotional needs that perhaps I fulfilled by listening her talking about her day? Seems really confusing now.

I know I sometimes talked about my boyfriend, or maybe ‘mentioned’ is a better word, but not in a “I’m in a relationship, and you’re not” kind of way, but more like.. if I was texting her and he asked me to go shopping with him I would text her: “okay we’re going shopping, talk to you later, bye”. He is part of my life so it’s hard to not mention him when he lives here lol.

Now I’m thinking maybe I was rubbing  my relationship in her face, but not that I wanted to do it but maybe she perceived it that way. I think I am more relaxed when it comes to bragging about my relationship, I don’t even think about it that way. We are together 10 years and it’s kind of.. nothing exciting anymore haha, I hope you know what I mean. So it is really surprising to me now thinking that she could envy me or something. It’s like.. not nice at all, I thought she liked me and now I have doubts about it.

seems like she was trying to make a point to you: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Here he is! Here’s another photo! He is wit me, not you!

Sending me those photos with him was for sure a bit weird, since a) I never did that with my boyfriend so it wasn’t like our thing to do b) all those photos, as I already said were almost identical. Them sitting in the same position, smiling and hugging. Just different background. I think I got 10 or more of those photos, sent every time she had a date with him. To be honest I did not know how to respond – I kept adding the heart emojis and that’s all. Or responded something like “You look cute together, happy for you” etc. Obviously she wanted to show me that she is happy. And it fine, I guess.

It’s just… when she used to date some random guys and talked to me about it I was supportive and you know… encouraged her, gave her advise etc. And whenever I mentioned something like “omg my boyfriend is getting on my nerves” or something, she would ignore the topic. Like, did not even ask additional questions. Sometimes I felt like she did not want to touch this topic. I am not sure, maybe I am wrong but there were couple of times when I felt that way. That’s why, as I said before I only “mentioned” my boyfriend because very rarely I elaborated on anything relationship related. And maybe it sounds petty and childish but I always added a heart emojis to her dating life stories (I think it’s nice and shows support) but she rarely did. Often it was a ‘thumbs up emoji’ or ‘shocked face’. I know it may sound childish like I’m twelve or something. But it’s the small things sometimes that we see. Sometimes that isn’t said but it’s shown. Would you agree?

I think that her behavior is not a result of her having a boyfriend and therefore, having less time for you, but a result of some anger she built up before her relationship..?

I agree. and I knew this before, that it’s not the boyfriend that is the reason, it’s not the lack of time, it’s not the building a life together. It’s her not wanting to be friends anymore. And you may be right Anita, she may have developed some kind of aggression towards me. And she is aware that we don’t talk and that it is her choice, not mine. To me it seemed like she just does not need me anymore and now the boyfriend is fulfilling all her needs along with the “small” ones like talking about her day or minor issues – something I, and other people at work, fulfilled before. But the fact that she doesn’t even say hello to us, for weeks, doesn’t respond to silly jokes like she used to in the past, tells me there is something more to it.

Hi Helcat

First of all, it is entirely on her.

She just stopped communicating.

And I’m not talking about prioritizing a partner/not having enough time for friends. Texting someone “hi, how are you” is 15 seconds and sending couple of messages while she is at work, not with her boyfriend, is not something she cannot do because she is building a life with him.  I was talking about her not wanting to talk to me anymore, not that she is too busy.  I don’t think anyone is too busy that she/he cannot find 5 minutes to text someone.

That’s what is tough for me, that she clearly doesn’t want to be friends with me.

I hope you understand now.