Home→Forums→Relationships→friend abandoning me again
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September 9, 2024 at 9:36 am #437934AdrianneParticipant
hi everyone
I wanted to vent and perhaps understand better.
I had a friend, we met at work, she lives a bit far but we kept in touch online and met regularly.
I have a boyfriend but she was single so she had a lot of free time, she was more likely to come visit and text me. She used to text me every day, we talked about everything. One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend. I said it was okay for me, I didn’t mind talking to her often. She kept looking for a boyfriend. She met one and since then she stopped talking to me almost entirely.
First she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains, close ups of him and her. After two weeks together she started talking about them getting married, kids, having graves together after they die, this sort of things.
One time I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday. I was happy and very surprised but when I texted her to thank her she did not respond until next day. Then I responded and again she took two days to respond so I thought like I was bothering her and I stopped texting. Now it feels bittersweet because it was nice that she bought me things and sent me this but I would like it if she just texted me or wanted to meet. I didn’t even enjoy those gifts to be honest, I just hid it in the drawer. Seems weird to be happy about it when she ignores me and just ended our friendship. I texted her to thank her etc and I also said „I was very surprised that you sent me gifts considering we barely talk” and she said „yeah, it somehow turned out that way”.
It feels like I let people too close sometimes and they use me when they are lonely, they have some emotional needs and then when they don’t need me anymore they abandon me. That’s how I feel because It has happened before. Looking at other people’s friendships I noticed that mine are perhaps too close, too intense, talking everyday, being very codependent sometimes and it burns out after.
September 9, 2024 at 9:56 am #437944HelcatParticipantHi Adrianne
I think this is very common with friends who are single then find relationships. Ultimately, there is going to be a change in dynamic because the point of having a partner is to build a life together. They will ultimately prioritise that person and deprioritise other relationships because no one has enough time or energy to do everything.
I think being mindful of things like this and changes and dynamic can be helpful, so you aren’t surprised by it. When it is a surprise it is more painful.
It is understandable to be in pain losing a close friend to a relationship. But you also did pull back yourself. So it’s not entirely on her.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 9, 2024 at 10:37 am #437946AdrianneParticipantHi Helcat
First of all, it is entirely on her.
She just stopped communicating.
And I’m not talking about prioritizing a partner/not having enough time for friends. Texting someone “hi, how are you” is 15 seconds and sending couple of messages while she is at work, not with her boyfriend, is not something she cannot do because she is building a life with him. I was talking about her not wanting to talk to me anymore, not that she is too busy. I don’t think anyone is too busy that she/he cannot find 5 minutes to text someone.
That’s what is tough for me, that she clearly doesn’t want to be friends with me.
I hope you understand now.
September 9, 2024 at 10:57 am #437948AdrianneParticipantmy boyfriend tells me to try and text her but I feel like I don’t want to anymore because she clearly does not want to comunicate anymore. We work home office and We have this online chat for us and our other coworker and we used to shared jokes etc everyday things, she used to be very active there and now she takes a day or two to respond, sometimes she never does. It’s obvious she does not want to talk to us anymore. At work it seems like she is not there because she never text us or anything. Sometimes I check whether she is even at work that day because she is just so quiet. I don’t even know if she is that busy working or just doesn’t want to talk to us. But it seems like she just doesn’t want to and doesn’t even need to say hello anymore.
September 9, 2024 at 11:34 am #437949anitaParticipantDear Adrianne:
“One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend“- she said this before she got into a relationship. Seems like she wanted to distance herself from you while she was single. Almost as if she was angry at you and tried to hurt your feelings, as in saying (paraphrased): I prefer to spend my time with someone else (a boyfriend) than with you!
And once in a relationship, “she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains…“- seems like she was trying to make a point to you: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Here he is! Here’s another photo! He is wit me, not you! (…?)
“I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday… I texted her to thank her etc. and I also said ‘I was very surprised that you sent me gifts considering we barely talk’ and she said ‘yeah, it somehow turned out that way‘”- seems/ feels like her trying, again, to hurt your feelings, to toy with your feelings..?
“I don’t even know if she is that busy working or just doesn’t want to talk to us. But it seems like she just doesn’t want to and doesn’t even need to say hello anymore.“- I think that her behavior is not a result of her having a boyfriend and therefore, having less time for you, but a result of some anger she built up before her relationship..?
anita
September 9, 2024 at 12:23 pm #437958AdrianneParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response.. and your analysis, if I can call it that way. Yes, it seems like you have a point.
Almost as if she was angry at you and tried to hurt your feelings, as in saying (paraphrased): I prefer to spend my time with someone else (a boyfriend) than with you!
i remember I was surprised when hearing this because I was in a relationship and it really did not bother me that we were friends and we were talking or texting sometimes, mostly during work hours. What’s wrong with that? There are days when I have lots of time for lunch break so we talked (with her and with other coworkers). It’s something that keeps us sane at work, I think.
But the way she phrased it, it seemed like she.. resented me. But for what? For needing to talk to me? For having some emotional needs that perhaps I fulfilled by listening her talking about her day? Seems really confusing now.
I know I sometimes talked about my boyfriend, or maybe ‘mentioned’ is a better word, but not in a “I’m in a relationship, and you’re not” kind of way, but more like.. if I was texting her and he asked me to go shopping with him I would text her: “okay we’re going shopping, talk to you later, bye”. He is part of my life so it’s hard to not mention him when he lives here lol.
Now I’m thinking maybe I was rubbing my relationship in her face, but not that I wanted to do it but maybe she perceived it that way. I think I am more relaxed when it comes to bragging about my relationship, I don’t even think about it that way. We are together 10 years and it’s kind of.. nothing exciting anymore haha, I hope you know what I mean. So it is really surprising to me now thinking that she could envy me or something. It’s like.. not nice at all, I thought she liked me and now I have doubts about it.
seems like she was trying to make a point to you: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Here he is! Here’s another photo! He is wit me, not you!
Sending me those photos with him was for sure a bit weird, since a) I never did that with my boyfriend so it wasn’t like our thing to do b) all those photos, as I already said were almost identical. Them sitting in the same position, smiling and hugging. Just different background. I think I got 10 or more of those photos, sent every time she had a date with him. To be honest I did not know how to respond – I kept adding the heart emojis and that’s all. Or responded something like “You look cute together, happy for you” etc. Obviously she wanted to show me that she is happy. And it fine, I guess.
It’s just… when she used to date some random guys and talked to me about it I was supportive and you know… encouraged her, gave her advise etc. And whenever I mentioned something like “omg my boyfriend is getting on my nerves” or something, she would ignore the topic. Like, did not even ask additional questions. Sometimes I felt like she did not want to touch this topic. I am not sure, maybe I am wrong but there were couple of times when I felt that way. That’s why, as I said before I only “mentioned” my boyfriend because very rarely I elaborated on anything relationship related. And maybe it sounds petty and childish but I always added a heart emojis to her dating life stories (I think it’s nice and shows support) but she rarely did. Often it was a ‘thumbs up emoji’ or ‘shocked face’. I know it may sound childish like I’m twelve or something. But it’s the small things sometimes that we see. Sometimes that isn’t said but it’s shown. Would you agree?
I think that her behavior is not a result of her having a boyfriend and therefore, having less time for you, but a result of some anger she built up before her relationship..?
I agree. and I knew this before, that it’s not the boyfriend that is the reason, it’s not the lack of time, it’s not the building a life together. It’s her not wanting to be friends anymore. And you may be right Anita, she may have developed some kind of aggression towards me. And she is aware that we don’t talk and that it is her choice, not mine. To me it seemed like she just does not need me anymore and now the boyfriend is fulfilling all her needs along with the “small” ones like talking about her day or minor issues – something I, and other people at work, fulfilled before. But the fact that she doesn’t even say hello to us, for weeks, doesn’t respond to silly jokes like she used to in the past, tells me there is something more to it.
September 9, 2024 at 12:34 pm #437959anitaParticipantDear Adrianne:
I read part of your post, and am looking forward to reading all and replying tomorrow morning, when I am focused enough (it’s Mon early afternoon here).
anita
September 9, 2024 at 12:37 pm #437960AdrianneParticipantof course Anita. Thanks a lot! have a good afternoon
September 9, 2024 at 12:41 pm #437961anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Adrianne, and thank you!
anita
September 9, 2024 at 2:24 pm #437970HelcatParticipantHi Adrianna
Well you did say that she was taking two days to respond and felt bad so you stopped texting.
Not everyone is you, or has your standards for communicating.
I text some people back immediately and others in two days. It depends how close I am to them, how busy I am and my mood.
I have some friends that text me back in two days and some that text me back immediately. It’s a pretty normal thing to me. It’s usually people who are busy or I’m not as close to who have the slower reply.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
September 9, 2024 at 2:27 pm #437972AdrianneParticipantHelcat, Thank you for your answer but it’s not the case of slower replies or my standards of communicating. It’s okay though. Have a nice evening 🙂
September 10, 2024 at 10:39 am #437998anitaParticipantDear Adrianne:
In this post, I will be thinking as I type, re-reading and responding to much of what you shared starting with your original post:
1st, original post: “One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend“- this sentence still puzzles me, and it puzzled me from the moment I read it.
Your response to the above quote (the sentence that follows the above): “I said it was okay for me, I didn’t mind talking to her often“- it reads like your understanding of what she said was that she felt like a burden to you, that she cared about your well-being: not wanting to take too much (time, energy) from you.
My problem in understanding this is why did she say in the same sentence that she would prefer spending this time with a boyfriend? Not with another, or other girlfriends (so to ease the burden on you), but with a boy friend.
“She kept looking for a boyfriend. She met one and since then she stopped talking to me almost entirely. First she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains, close ups of him and her. After two weeks together she started talking about them getting married, kids, having graves together after they die, this sort of things“- it could be that she sent you the photos and talked to you about them getting married etc., because she was (like you suggested as a possibility) that she was jealous of you for being in a relationship while for a long time, she was not.
It is possible (I thought about this yesterday), that since you and her share the same coworker, that there was some gossip going around, and he/ she told her that you said something to the effect of her taking too much of your time/ others’ time because she can’t get a boyfriend. It’s possible that she’s been reacting not to something you said to her, but to something someone else said.. that you said.
It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close, as in a romantic kind of close, and in sending you the photos etc., she was trying to say: I am heterosexual!
Maybe she felt some kind of a romantic attraction to you; maybe she felt that you felt a romantic attraction to her. Maybe both. And it troubled her.. maybe.
“One time I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday. I was happy and very surprised but when I texted her to thank her she did not respond until next day..“- I am thinking romantic at this point, but of course, I don’t know.
“It feels like I let people too close sometimes and they use me when they are lonely, they have some emotional needs and then when they don’t need me anymore they abandon me. That’s how I feel because It has happened before. Looking at other people’s friendships I noticed that mine are perhaps too close, too intense, talking everyday, being very codependent sometimes and it burns out after.“- this is amazing: when I typed earlier in this post: “It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close”, it was before I read this paragraph, and although I read it yesterday, I didn’t remember your words “too close“).
From the above quoted paragraph: “It feels like I let people too close sometimes… Looking at other people’s friendships I noticed that mine are perhaps too close, too intense“- I am not suggesting that your friendships carry a romantic or sexual tones, not at all. What I am saying is that for some people, maybe for a lot of people, “too close” and “too intense” connects (in their minds) to romantic and sexual. Maybe that’s what happened in her mind, which would make the sentence that puzzled me, no longer puzzling.
2nd post: “She just stopped communicating. And I’m not talking about prioritizing a partner/not having enough time for friends. Texting someone ‘hi, how are you’ is 15 seconds and sending couple of messages while she is at work, not with her boyfriend, is not something she cannot do“- maybe, in her mind, sending you a message is like cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe sending you a message makes her feel discomfort regarding her romantic/ sexual orientation mix.
3rd Post: “We work home office and We have this online chat for us and our other coworker and we used to shared jokes etc. everyday things, she used to be very active there and now she takes a day or two to respond, sometimes she never does“- if she chats with you, she has to chat with the other coworker; if she chats with the other coworker, she has to chat with you. It’s a group chat.
4th post: “But the way she phrased it, it seemed like she.. resented me. But for what? For needing to talk to me? For having some emotional needs that perhaps I fulfilled by listening her talking about her day?“-
– maybe the emotional needs that perhaps you fulfilled were- in her mind- of the romantic kind. As you can see, I am getting more and more sold on my theory of her same-sex feelings in regard to you. Maybe I am so focused on this theory, at this point, that I don’t see other possibilities, so I’ll try to think of other possibilities.
Here is another possibility: at one point onward, she projected into you someone else, someone from her earlier life, someone she had ongoing conflict with and was angry with.. because you reminded her of that person. It is very common for this to happen and many people suffer because of similar inaccurate projections.
“I know I sometimes talked about my boyfriend, or maybe ‘mentioned’ is a better word, but not in a ‘I’m in a relationship, and you’re not’ kind of way, but more like.. if I was texting her and he asked me to go shopping with him I would text her: “okay we’re going shopping, talk to you later, bye’… We are together 10 years and it’s kind of.. nothing exciting anymore haha, I hope you know what I mean. So it is really surprising to me now thinking that she could envy me or something“-
– I understand the “nothing exciting anymore“, and I understand a person’s needs to connect emotionally with people who are not one’s partner, like your need to connect with the friend your thread is about. I think it’s normal and natural.
“Sending me those photos with him was for sure a bit weird, since a) I never did that with my boyfriend so it wasn’t like our thing to do b) all those photos, as I already said were almost identical. Them sitting in the same position, smiling and hugging… I kept adding the heart emojis and that’s all“- oh, oh, heart emojis? You know that this is connecting to my theory or a romantic interest/ confusion.
“Whenever I mentioned something like ‘omg my boyfriend is getting on my nerves’ or something, she would ignore the topic. Like, did not even ask additional questions. Sometimes I felt like she did not want to touch this topic“- didn’t want to touch the topic of your boyfriend because part of her wanted to be your boyfriend..?
“I am not sure, maybe I am wrong“- ditto: maybe I am wrong (theory).
“maybe it sounds petty and childish but I always added a heart emojis to her dating life stories (I think it’s nice and shows support) but she rarely did. Often it was a ‘thumbs up emoji’ or ‘shocked face’“- the fit between my theory and what you share is getting tighter and tighter: you meant friendly heart emojis; she saw romantic heart emojis, and for that reason, she couldn’t send you heart emojis back..?
“It’s the small things sometimes that we see. Sometimes that isn’t said but it’s shown. Would you agree?“- yes, I agree.
“But the fact that she doesn’t even say hello to us, for weeks, doesn’t respond to silly jokes like she used to in the past, tells me there is something more to it.”– well, the something-more-to-it may be my theory.
I will close this long post with this: you seem to be a caring person, and seems to me that this friendship has been troubled- not because of any wrongdoing on your part- but because of some gossip material that you don’t know about, and/ or because of an inaccurate projection that she has made, and/ or because of a romantic and/ or sexual confusion and conflict on her part, and/ or some other trouble within her. Lots and lots of people are troubled in all kinds of ways.
anita
September 10, 2024 at 10:51 am #437999AdrianneParticipantHi Anita, Thank you for the time you put into this response. I will respond to the rest of the post but first i wanted to ask and understand correctly: do you think I did something that she felt like I was attracted to her? Or do you think it was only her feelings/her projection?
September 10, 2024 at 11:01 am #438000anitaParticipantDear Adrianne:
You are welcome. “do you think I did something that she felt like I was attracted to her? Or do you think it was only her feelings/her projection?“- the latter. See my last paragraph: “seems to me that this friendship has been troubled- not because of any wrongdoing on your part- but because of…”.
anita
September 10, 2024 at 12:06 pm #438002AdrianneParticipantI will start by saying I did tell her I was bisexual and had experience with girls in the past. I told her about one girl I used to date.
To be honest when I read your response Anita, I felt kind of shocked that you just figured it out.
Now I feel horrified that I actually might have done something to make her feel like I was hitting on her.
She did behave in… girly, flirty manner. I think it’s just her way of being – I did see it couple of times when were in the office. But she did behave like that in my presence only. She did invite me to a trip (I didn’t go, my boyfriend didn’t mind but in the end I didn’t want to spend money on the trip with her whereas me and my bf rarely travel and we try to save money for one vacation per year. ) But she did talk about the trip many many times. With sleepover and with other friend, but later just two of us. There was one time I said okay we can go, but we never did. Later I proposed that we can go on a trip the three of us: me, my boyfriend and her, or some of her friend/sister or whatever, but she said no. She said she didn’t want to be a burden or interrupt my time with my boyfriend. I told her it’s fine (It was not up to her to decide that me and my boyfriend need alone time, we don’t mind going on trips with family or friends) but she said no, thank you and she also said she couldn’t afford it. Later she came back to the idea of trip only for us two.
this sentence still puzzles me, and it puzzled me from the moment I read it.
To provide some more content for you Anita: at the beginning when we first met we did not talk that much. It was once a week or during work. But I had some tough time with my roommate situation and we texted couple of times in the evening. It was late. One time she told me: (paraphrased) I need to find a boyfriend to shop bothering you in the evenings/I feel like we talk a lot these days, more than we used to/ I will keep looking for a boyfriend to leave you alone.
And yes, I told her I didn’t mind. In the lights of recent events (her finally finding a boyfriend and leaving me alone) it makes sense.
My problem in understanding this is why did she say in the same sentence that she would prefer spending this time with a boyfriend? Not with another, or other girlfriends (so to ease the burden on you), but with a boy friend.
it could be that she sent you the photos and talked to you about them getting married etc., because she was (like you suggested as a possibility) that she was jealous of you for being in a relationship while for a long time, she was not.
She was clearly bragging that she had a boyfriend and showed me photos for me to see him, see how he looks like, that he is handsome etc. But I don’t think the purpose was that she wanted me to be attracted to him and think „wow that’s a handsome man”. Or was it?
It is possible (I thought about this yesterday), that since you and her share the same coworker, that there was some gossip going around, and he/ she told her that you said something to the effect of her taking too much of your time
I think she felt like a burden because there were times she was too much. And she told us that some people in the past used to tell her that she was too much. And sometimes she was. She used to text us long messages on weekends, but also on weekdays, in the evenings. She shared photos, videos, stories from her vacation, holidays, meetings with family, music she liked etc. Sometimes it was hard to keep up and respond to those messages. Certainly it was hard to return the same – I did not have that much to share or writing skills to write about myself.
She wrote me several letters. First time that we were in the office she gave me gift – lots of stuff, she spend so much money on this and she attached a letter to it. It was nice but a bit .. well, too much. I did not get her anything and it was a bit awkward. Since then she bought me several gifts on different occasions. I bought her something two or three times because I felt like it was appropriate since she did.
Maybe sometimes I did more because I felt like I had to, so that she didn’t feel like she put in so much effort and I didn’t put any. You know what I mean? Although normally I wouldn’t buy her a present without occasion.
It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close, as in a romantic kind of close, and in sending you the photos etc., she was trying to say: I am heterosexual!
hah. Honestly. I don’t know anymore. Yes it’s possible
Maybe she felt some kind of a romantic attraction to you; maybe she felt that you felt a romantic attraction to her. Maybe both. And it troubled her.. maybe.
Maybe I did something to make her feel that way. Maybe it was the dynamic between us that she was this girly, cutesy one and I am not a girly one, I am more.. gender neutral when it comes to clothes or behaving. I wear make up and all, but you wouldn’t describe me as girly. She used to joke about pink color, painting her nails, glitter etc I think she was trying to be cute very often. So maybe it was this contrast between us that she felt comfortable being more feminine in front of me because I am not very feminine. I don’t know if this makes sense.
She did send me her photos too. I never commented on them since I did not know the point of sending them. There were photos of her in the car or before the work meetings, she was dressed up etc.
She sent me valentine cards too. We texted on valentines day and she did send me lots of funny cards and pictures.
It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close”, it was before I read this paragraph, and although I read it yesterday, I didn’t remember your words “too close“).
It was definitely too close, and I knew it then. She was too much and it was too much and perhaps I could have tried to not let her be that close.
I am not suggesting that your friendships carry a romantic or sexual tones, not at all. What I am saying is that for some people, maybe for a lot of people, “too close” and “too intense” connects (in their minds) to romantic and sexual. Maybe that’s what happened in her mind, which would make the sentence that puzzled me, no longer puzzling.
Maybe not in other cases but in this one, yes.
maybe, in her mind, sending you a message is like cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe sending you a message makes her feel discomfort regarding her romantic/ sexual orientation mix.
Perhaps.
if she chats with you, she has to chat with the other coworker; if she chats with the other coworker, she has to chat with you. It’s a group chat.
She liked some guy from work but he rejected her. He kind of liked her at first but they were flirting only, I think she liked him more. They went out two times, didn’t lead to anything. So I wouldn’t be surprised she does not want to talk to him either.
oh, oh, heart emojis? You know that this is connecting to my theory or a romantic interest/ confusion.
I remember at first, she was very affectionate and we all jokes at work that she sends heart emojis and is very sweet and everything. Most of people were not very used to this but with time some of us also started adding heart reactions to messages. I joked I never used that many heart emojis before in my life. I think in a way I wanted to be more „nice” since she was so nice and cute and I didn’t want to seem harsh. I think she was fishing for compliments and for affection and sometimes I wanted to be nice.
the fit between my theory and what you share is getting tighter and tighter: you meant friendly heart emojis; she saw romantic heart emojis, and for that reason, she couldn’t send you heart emojis back..?
She sent LOTS of hearts. Lots of emotional letters, descriptions, confessions about how she likes me and values me.
I will close this long post with this: you seem to be a caring person, and seems to me that this friendship has been troubled- not because of any wrongdoing on your part- but because of some gossip material that you don’t know about, and/ or because of an inaccurate projection that she has made, and/ or because of a romantic and/ or sexual confusion and conflict on her part, and/ or some other trouble within her. Lots and lots of people are troubled in all kinds of ways.
Thank you Anita. I will learn on my mistakes. Now I know I don’t have to match someone’s affection or return the affection only because someone craves it. Especially when I am not interested in “that way” and when I am in a relationship. Seems to me like I did something to make her feel like I was hitting on her. But I guess I will never know. It’s sad that it had to end but I think it really had to.
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