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Ahelper

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  • December 1, 2015 at 1:28 pm #88661
    Ahelper
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    Its all about time – Anita is right – without her remembrance of the past – she’d have no fear. She’s afraid because there’s a memory of a past fear projected through the present into the future. By living wholly in the present moment with as much consciousness as one can muster, the fear is not actually there. Fear is one of those guttural reactions that is difficult to get rid of, but it requires thought to have it. Over thinking is the problem. Emotions start as thoughts. Stop the thoughts and the emotion goes.
    Of course other emotions can swamp out fear, as in ‘perfect love casts out all fear’, and this is the so-called ‘easy route’ according to certain religions (the love route), but the fear can equally be simply removed by not thinking, which is more of a ‘difficult route’ requiring rationality and effort. A number of religions and branches of religions are attractive to people because they typify the ‘easy route’ – most people have some experience of love and other emotions, but less people have experience of the use of rational logical thought. Therefore, in order to help the most people and to appeal to the most people and to be understood by most people, many religions have the emotional route (Love the lord thy God, etc.). However, this approach doesn’t always suit everyone. Whether religious or not, it doesn’t matter, what matters is to understand where emotions come from, how they are used, and where thought comes from, and how thoughts form emotions. The mind, and its thoughts, moves very quickly. Watch it and find where the thoughts originate – there’s no fear there.

    December 1, 2015 at 1:01 pm #88656
    Ahelper
    Participant

    Dear Courtney,
    My view is the same as TriangleSun’s view; when you’re supposed to meet someone, that someone will turn up in your life. Paradoxically, when you stop looking and ‘give up’ the ‘right’ person could turn up. Notice I said ‘could’, not ‘will’. It seems to me that your principle problem is not liking your own company, and you are somewhat desperate to have someone else’s company in order that you do not have to be alone. Many of your dates may have picked up on this. It might come over as a bit ‘clingy’ and so they run a mile.
    So, first things first, you are given this space, on your own, at the present time, in order that you learn to enjoy being alone. Embrace this being alone, fully. Enjoy being alone. It sounds odd to you perhaps, almost scary, but being alone is not lonely, alone and lonely are two very different things. I love being alone, even though I am married. When I was a child, I actively sought out long periods of time to ‘be alone’, otherwise I didn’t feel right. It is something you must learn to love …..your own company. After loving your own company, you might also find an outside love, in another person too. Embrace this alone-ness now, feel all associated with it, without flinching, and learn to enjoy it. You’ve made the correct first step – quit the dating sites. Good luck

    December 1, 2015 at 12:43 pm #88655
    Ahelper
    Participant

    1 hour of simple exercise a day will help. By simple, I mean simply walking at medium pace, whether in streets or in parks. Your body has taken the stress, now dissipate it by moving. Your son might also benefit from this. You could both talk while you walk. I hope things get better. Once you dissipate the stress, you might thereafter be able to do some yoga or meditate. Call it your ‘walking meditation’.

    December 1, 2015 at 12:32 pm #88649
    Ahelper
    Participant

    Hi Treen,
    I think some of the suggestions by others were very good, particularly regarding non-disclosure about certain aspects of your divorce, to your daughter. However, there could be something else going on. Has it occurred to you that perhaps your ex-husband has not necessarily practised the non-disclosure as well as you have? Maybe he has disclosed certain things (or even made something up about you, or just put some extra colour on something) because clearly your daughter ‘knows’ what she’s annoyed about and is waiting for you to come forward and talk about this. However, as you say, you don’t know what it is. Obviously people divorce for a reason, and afterwards the two people go their separate ways. While its true you may be going down a more enjoyable path for yourself and your daughter doesn’t like it, this would seem a poor reason to become estranged from her Mother. It could be this of course – your daughter may only know one side of you – as a mother and wife, and now has to discover this other side to you, a side that she feels just ‘isn’t you’. Another obvious suggestion is the influence of your daughter’s new husband on her thoughts regarding you. Maybe she’s embarrassed, but maybe also jealous of you. I hope you work it out. Perhaps, since her new husband is so nice, you might be able to find out what’s wrong from him?

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