Thank you Anita, that actually makes a lot of sense.

Maybe I did assume too much (even if he was showing signs that he was interested at the time). So maybe you’re right and he was conflicted. Either way, he hasn’t been in touch with me. Trip or no trip – if he was remotely interested, I’m sure I would’ve heard at least something by now.

So when I catch myself remembering something about him, I just tell myself that it wasn’t real – because if there was a connection or interest there, then he wouldn’t have backed off the way he did.

You also made great points about what’s right to one particular person. I’ll definitely remember that going forward and I really appreciate you taking the time to write this – thank you 🙂

Hi Valora,

Thank you for helping me try to make sense of it. If that’s the case (that he’s scared to take a risk and still dealing with what happened), then I actually feel kind of bad for him and hope he heals soon.

Thanks for the compliment – you seem like you do as well. I appreciate your response –  I’ve actually tried to let all you’ve said sink in this weekend, while attempting to find a way to turn this into something positive. I figure if I concentrate on me – it’ll give me a better sense of why I got so excited in the first place, and why I exaggerated such an inaccurate potential of things to come. Yet the more I think about it all, the more it makes me wonder if I’ve been chasing some kind of void and I don’t know what that void is (which I know may sound silly).

I’ve always had this attitude that if you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything (like “where there’s a will, there’s a way” – but to an extreme). Though this has served me pretty well professionally, I don’t think it necessarily has personally. I’ve started to worry that maybe I have a pattern of trying to control things not always within reach and instead of recognizing it, just trying harder or in a different capacity – that if it hasn’t worked out, then something must have been missing, or it must not have been executed or planned properly. It trickles down into everything, an example being that if I do/say all the right things in the right way, it’ll foster an environment to make him appreciate me more and thus allow us to grow to see if we’re compatible.

This weekend, I’ve tried to start recognizing that maybe it’s not always me – plus I shouldn’t put so much weight on whether he appreciated me or not. I wonder if this has contributed to why I haven’t had a serious relationship yet, which I’ve always seen as somewhat of a failure because it’s not for lack of fair effort.

Weirdly enough what started out as me trying to understand him has led me to try to better understand myself.  So I’m hoping by taking some time to not date anyone and focus on me, it’ll allow me to clear my head as well – which ends up making this whole ordeal positive after all. Hopefully that way, it’ll be win-win: if he comes back interested in me and I still am too, then we’ll BOTH be in a better place. Yet if he comes back long forgotten about me or still not ready, hopefully it won’t bother me like it has been. And who knows – maybe by then I won’t want him anymore anyway. That said, if you have any recommendations or thoughts – I’d appreciate them!

Either way, thanks again for listening and responding 🙂

-Aila

Thank you Valora,

When we had our last conversation (during the time I went to drop something off and wish him well), we talked and I asked him if I did something to turn him off. He told me that I didn’t and that it actually had nothing to do with me (like what you said). He told me that I was sweet, kind, generous, smart, attractive – but that it was just how he was dealing with everything. Maybe I did overestimate his ability to be available and commit. As someone who’s never even had a serious relationship, I just thought it was a matter of interest: if there’s a connection/interest, you pursue it. If not, then you drop it.  That’s why it was so confusing because I know there was an interest. I also thought a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready.

I really appreciate you taking the time to share how you felt and what you went through. Maybe he does feel something similar and is afraid (which fits) – I don’t know. All I do know is that things were going well and then he dropped off because he said he isn’t ready – which was confusing because he seemed very interested.

Maybe a year isn’t enough time for him or maybe he just wants to enjoy his freedom without anyone for a while. Either way, I don’t want to freak him out – I really liked him and enjoyed the time I spent with him. So I’ll just give him the space he wanted and try to let him go completely. I hope his work trip allows him to take some time to sort things out. If he comes back to me, then I’ll have my answer I guess. In the meantime, I can just focus on me and maybe just take a break from dating myself for a little while.

Thank you again,

-Aila