Forum Replies Created
January 31, 2019 at 9:36 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #277973
Thank you Anita, that actually makes a lot of sense.
Maybe I did assume too much (even if he was showing signs that he was interested at the time). So maybe you’re right and he was conflicted. Either way, he hasn’t been in touch with me. Trip or no trip – if he was remotely interested, I’m sure I would’ve heard at least something by now.
So when I catch myself remembering something about him, I just tell myself that it wasn’t real – because if there was a connection or interest there, then he wouldn’t have backed off the way he did.
You also made great points about what’s right to one particular person. I’ll definitely remember that going forward and I really appreciate you taking the time to write this – thank you 🙂January 27, 2019 at 12:47 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #277123
Thank you for your response. What you said actually helped a lot. I’ve never felt comfortable asking any guy those questions, as I’ve always been concerned it would come off as nagging or rushing, etc. In the future, I’ll be sure to do so.
Also, just a side note, I know guys don’t always view sex as something very intimate, but without giving too much information, I thought it was in the way that he and I experienced it. He came across as very sincere and respectful since the moment I met him. Plus he told me, when we last spoke, that I meant more than just sex to him, which led me to believe that I mattered more than just a biological release to him – meaning he liked me too and thereby contributing to my confusion. Maybe I’m wrong though, because ultimately he’s choosing not to be in touch with me at the moment, and says it’s because he says he’s not ready and now has this trip – so who knows…
I’m not sure what’ll happen, but I’m hoping either way it’ll be positive. At least going forward, I’ll keep what you said in mind to ask those sorts of questions for honest answers.
-AilaJanuary 27, 2019 at 12:23 am in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #277121
Thank you for helping me try to make sense of it. If that’s the case (that he’s scared to take a risk and still dealing with what happened), then I actually feel kind of bad for him and hope he heals soon.
Thanks for the compliment – you seem like you do as well. I appreciate your response – I’ve actually tried to let all you’ve said sink in this weekend, while attempting to find a way to turn this into something positive. I figure if I concentrate on me – it’ll give me a better sense of why I got so excited in the first place, and why I exaggerated such an inaccurate potential of things to come. Yet the more I think about it all, the more it makes me wonder if I’ve been chasing some kind of void and I don’t know what that void is (which I know may sound silly).
I’ve always had this attitude that if you try hard enough, you can accomplish anything (like “where there’s a will, there’s a way” – but to an extreme). Though this has served me pretty well professionally, I don’t think it necessarily has personally. I’ve started to worry that maybe I have a pattern of trying to control things not always within reach and instead of recognizing it, just trying harder or in a different capacity – that if it hasn’t worked out, then something must have been missing, or it must not have been executed or planned properly. It trickles down into everything, an example being that if I do/say all the right things in the right way, it’ll foster an environment to make him appreciate me more and thus allow us to grow to see if we’re compatible.
This weekend, I’ve tried to start recognizing that maybe it’s not always me – plus I shouldn’t put so much weight on whether he appreciated me or not. I wonder if this has contributed to why I haven’t had a serious relationship yet, which I’ve always seen as somewhat of a failure because it’s not for lack of fair effort.
Weirdly enough what started out as me trying to understand him has led me to try to better understand myself. So I’m hoping by taking some time to not date anyone and focus on me, it’ll allow me to clear my head as well – which ends up making this whole ordeal positive after all. Hopefully that way, it’ll be win-win: if he comes back interested in me and I still am too, then we’ll BOTH be in a better place. Yet if he comes back long forgotten about me or still not ready, hopefully it won’t bother me like it has been. And who knows – maybe by then I won’t want him anymore anyway. That said, if you have any recommendations or thoughts – I’d appreciate them!
Either way, thanks again for listening and responding 🙂
-AilaJanuary 24, 2019 at 3:04 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #276701
Thank you Anita,
I appreciate you taking the time to answer my post. Maybe he is afraid – it seems like that may be the case. Either way, I don’t think I want to push it or press him further.
While I do want answers, I don’t feel entitled to them. I would love to talk with him, but he’s traveling out of town and hasn’t reached out – he actually even had a few days before his trip and he didn’t want to spend them with me (which saddened me since we had been having such a lovely time). If he’s trying to move on, the last thing he needs is me asking him to relive any part of it – I don’t want to burden him.
I just care about about him and want to be understanding. The idea of someone being so interested/happy one moment, to then pull back to where all I hear is crickets the next moment confuses me. I thought if I could at least understand where someone like him (recently divorced and not ready) might be coming from/going through, it would help me make peace with it, accept it, and let it go.
Thank you again,
-AilaJanuary 24, 2019 at 2:43 pm in reply to: Understanding someone who's recently divorced and not ready #276699
Thank you Valora,
When we had our last conversation (during the time I went to drop something off and wish him well), we talked and I asked him if I did something to turn him off. He told me that I didn’t and that it actually had nothing to do with me (like what you said). He told me that I was sweet, kind, generous, smart, attractive – but that it was just how he was dealing with everything. Maybe I did overestimate his ability to be available and commit. As someone who’s never even had a serious relationship, I just thought it was a matter of interest: if there’s a connection/interest, you pursue it. If not, then you drop it. That’s why it was so confusing because I know there was an interest. I also thought a year was enough time and that he was dating, it showed he was ready.
I really appreciate you taking the time to share how you felt and what you went through. Maybe he does feel something similar and is afraid (which fits) – I don’t know. All I do know is that things were going well and then he dropped off because he said he isn’t ready – which was confusing because he seemed very interested.
Maybe a year isn’t enough time for him or maybe he just wants to enjoy his freedom without anyone for a while. Either way, I don’t want to freak him out – I really liked him and enjoyed the time I spent with him. So I’ll just give him the space he wanted and try to let him go completely. I hope his work trip allows him to take some time to sort things out. If he comes back to me, then I’ll have my answer I guess. In the meantime, I can just focus on me and maybe just take a break from dating myself for a little while.
Thank you again,