Not the best. Here’s an update

I posted this on another forum

Had an LDR gf for 1.5 years. I let a lot of red flags slip by and I became really passive and accepting basically shaping myself little by little to her needs. I would describe her attachment style as avoidant and me as a anxious attachment style. Anyways first year was okay we visited each other constantly but when she was on vacation and she went to my place she was relatively calm. But when she was working and I went over to her place in Japan (and even when she wasn’t working) we always bumped heads since I was in HER personal space. It always wasn’t good enough, my cleaning and she was uncomfortable as was I. After that. And during the first year she would question why she was in a lost distance relationship. She valued proximity and I couldn’t move to Japan until 5 years until I was vested at my work. I tried getting a 7 on 7 days off job but wasn’t successful and was devastated. Idk if we really understood each other as I had to ask a bunch of questions to get her to talk about herself. I like my partners to share about themselves, that’s one of my love languages. She was getting exhausted because she was trying to explain things and felt like her point wasn’t getting across. The way she phrased things was weird, she had a British English. Well like 10 months into the relationship we had a big fight and she was upset on how I handled it. She had been hesitant about the relationship prior a lot but this is the first time she wanted to break up.. she worked in the film industry so she had no time to have a serious relationship but long distance was perfect for her. Even tho she wanted the proximity. On a random short day she can meet her friends and her bf too. I basically kept the relationship alive each and every time she was thinking about it breaking up. So she was getting into the busy part of her project. She basically didn’t want me to visit her while she was working. I insisted because my favorite band was playing in Tokyo. And she kind of said no and wanted to break up, then said okay you can go and I asked if I could stay with her and she had to think about it. Originally she was slightly not in favor of it and the more she thought that I thought i was entitled to stay with her in semi peak work hours she got upset. I compromised and said I would get a hotel near her. For two nights she let me stay at her place. She said I needed to think about the relationship and what I could do to change. So she said she would be give me my 2nd chance Fast forward to May. She had not scheduled a single visit to visit me sin almost more than 10 months ago. I was very frustrated when she said she made plans with her friends and I should have told her sooner to make plans with her. Mind you our last talk over phone or in person was in January. We were gonna talk March/April but we both missed the time and never really rescheduled. I wanted to break up in frustration and then her dad passes away. I did what any bf would do. Be there but she was in shock..(later she criticized me for trying to be the perfect boyfriend to put on a show)

I always freeze in deaths of loved ones. I waited for her to reach out for me. I kept telling her I wanted to visit at the end of June for an event or I could visit her too. She might have thought I wanted the event more. So she broke up and then started to vent about her Dad and situation. I couldn’t dissociate the two things so I just panicked. Later on I still went to the event but just left gifts and flowers at her place. She was happy at the nice gesture but livid at the thought of me swinging by or attempting to swing by. In mid July she tried to hear me out when she was on vacation but she went really ballistic and one little thing after some seshes of talks made her not want to continue. She then told me something that opened a deep wound, that I couldn’t seize the moment. That hurt since a lot of times in my life I’ve been really close to the goal and success and just fell short. I reacted and called her a bad person. She said her ex did the same thing. And also cheated on her and never apologized. She said she neesed more time one week after to see if she wanted to continue the relationship. During that time she blocked me on her phone and what’s app but not on social media. That’s when I did no contact for 5 weeks and then couldn’t stand it and contactes her a week after my bday. Said I was 34 like when I met her(she was now 36). She just left me on read. She claims to have not blocked me but Im almost certain she did. I would send a message here or there and didn’t realize the block happened until two weeks later. I thought she just muted me. Then I went on a bad frenzy 😔

She also waited until the nasty fight in July to tell me she wanted to take over her dad’s humble coffee business. She waited 1.5yrs to tell me

I started emailing her all my previous’ messages that I had sent. Maybe one every other day. In two different accounts. On Google messages. And nothing. Then I saw she blocked me on other things.. obviously I was suffocating but I was panicking cuz didn’t know if she had moved on. Apparently it was her Dad’s passing I later found out. But she just up and left no word. For 4 months. I sent a letter that I would be in her town for close to 2 weeks. Then no response. I left a package with gifts and same message.. nothing. I thought it was completely over and I was never going to Japan again. So I wanted a fairwell. One week before she broke with me I had a one night stand as a lie because I was so upset at everything, she didn’t want to visit me, she didn’t want to talk to me about her Dad and the most important thing I wanted to ask about the event again and I didn’t think she would blow up like she said. So I told her in a letter as a final farewell and letter. I chased so much and she didn’t make an effort to contact or see each in many months. So I wrote it. Dunno if that’s the sole reason she replied, cuz her ego was hurt but then I retracted everything and told her it was to get her attention. She said the relationship flourished because I kept it alive she also said she didn’t that feel bad and that I should have known and waited for her but she had not told me anything about healing .she just up and left..and she said she never wanted to see me again. After the retract, she said she lost trust.. that I broke her boundaries and that I disturbed her peace. And that the reason she broke up with me was because she needed peace in her mind and clarity and I wasnt providing any of that.

Did I mess up by telling her the cheating part? it was a lie but I felt horrible, but I owned up to it. It wasn’t right, I completely regret it but now it’s done and I can’t go back..did I ever have a chance? Or to win her back in retrospect? Or was this doomed from the start. Now when I go to Tokyo I’ll always think of her. I’m always fixated on her body type as it’s not common and she fit my ideal girl language and type standards. Im still incredibly sad.. I would have continued but with all of this it seemed hard. I think I was just so fixated on the physical, that our connection never really got there. Idk maybe we were incompatible. Ty for reading, cheers-

It’s been 2.5 months since i did this. Its been haunting and eats at me cuz it feels like there may have been some possibility in how she phrased things if i hadn’t lost control of my emotions. Idk if she blocked me one final time, sne deactivated her Instagram or i had bad signal but that triggered the final straw. I never gave her the benefit of the doubt like you said but at some pt I did. And was extremely patient. She just left me with more questions and ghosting and misleading pulling away than answers. She definitely was a dismissive avoidant and displayed that attachment style

Thank you Anita! I appreciate it. So I have come to the conclusion that women are always attracted to me or come to me when I am the most confident or have the most positive vibes in my life. Whether it be on apps, I meet them by chance or travelling, it has been mostly the case. And so the relationship is built on that foundation most of the times, because at the time I am the best version of myself that I can be. This has really been the case for all my past relationships that mattered. The only one that lasted the longest is when me and my first serious relationship of 4 years dated. I was introduced to her by a friend and we both asked for each other.

Im thinking its hard to not be sexual early on in dating cuz you wanna know if there is sexual compatibility as well. So just be friends? But since I am impatient or do a lot of Long distance its hard. If it was for me, I wouldnt do long distance. I know im not old but 34 years old but I just vibe more with people of Japanese decent or maybe im trying to mimic or replace my first gf. I know I cant do that tho. Anywho these were my thoughts yesterday talking to my friend:

Yeah u are right. I tried to best love her with all my might but it was surface love. We actually are total opposites. I did everything I could on my end. And yes I messed up 2 times with her boundaries and maybe 3 times but maybe that was my downfall. I had a LDR before and i did everything right and still got the boot. So maybe its me thinking I can be free and do whatever I want. But eventually there is consequences. I appreciate you taking the time to talk and respond yo. I guess i am a hopeful person and we tried it. Sometimes its hard to face the reality. But now I know what my first LDR felt. She loved me for me, and I loved the same way. It was a way for Karma to get back at me but this journey we call life only happens once so like you said. The path is leading to a dead end. I am too hopeful and was trying to avoid that dead end. I think she may have moved on in NC. Thats the best explanation. For some reason, she escalated our last talk way too much. And triggered both sides. So maybe that is what it was. Whatever it is, and yeah i made a lot of mistakes these last 9 months. I guess me not thinking long term bit me in the butt. The quality women are taken lol At 22 my 24 y/o gf was quality lol. Im 34 now. So yeah its gonna be hard. and gotta wait til i find someone who vibes-

She broke up with me and the fight ended badly. 1 week later she sent the I need to think whether this is for me or not. In between she was busy with a project but i bombarded her with memories etc. The reason the fight ended badly was cuz we didnt give each others a chance to speak. All because I was tired and send her stuff i forgot to send her previously. I do interupt ppl here and there but I guess she was trying to get all her thoughts out and I replied immediately . She told me i couldnt seize the moment and then I told her she was a bad person. Both things triggered us a lot. Tbh I was very tired, 3 days with very little sleep trying to sleep with her time zone. I wanna move on. But i have a certain type, and fit that category exactly. She also spoke spanish which is important to me. Does this sound like a relationship that would last ever? What am I seeing here? Are we just ppl with opposite views and different ppl? She’s only had one bf of 6 years and shes 36. She has been in an intense career of 9-10 years where it doesnt allow for a relationship to flourish, (works as a PM for film/shoots/commercials). So her career was her top priority for sure. And up until her dads death she wanted to get a less stressful role in film process (If there is one) but yeah we only have animals and traveling in common and being introverted. We had the same upbringing tho. How close do in personality do ppl have to be to grow old together? How close do the hobbies have to intertwine? Ive noticed i dont have many common interests with many of my partners of the past. And i have a type, body type, race that i have gone for and am attracted to.

Well mostly cuz I thought she might reply on my bday but maybe she’s moved on

But all of this even if she’s gone on vacation with friends, with someone else.

It isn’t in my control. That’s what I’m saying

If she isnt ready, the message might just be a cop out

Thank you Anita!

Much appreciated 😊

Today is my bday

I was moving on and sometimes I’m okay with this happening but since July 19’s message of:

“Hiya, I need some time to think if I really want to do this again or not.
If you could just leave me be in the meanwhile I’d appreciate it, thanks.”

I have left her alone and I’m sure she won’t remember my bday. Sometimes I’m okay with us ending and then I cling on to an ounce of hope that maybe we can continue? Obviously I know it’s not good

But yesterday I got a little anxious about her reaching out and it being my bday. I don’t think she will reach out or remember cuz if she’s not ready to talk she’s not ready…

I’ve been doing a lot on self improvement. Shooting my shots with other women and putting myself out there. Reconnecting with a distant hobby of cello instrument playing

I checked her profile and it’s like her cover photo has been changed to an island cover photo. So I’m guessing she took a trip. Or rather I’m making that assumption

Maybe with friends or someone else. Mind’s racing a bit but tbh it’s not in my control 😞

During this month I’ve had a lot of doubts in myself. Think I pushed myself to the limit onto someone who might not share the same compatibility with. Regardless, I’m sad and disappointed at all the events that have transpired but I still have life so I am thankful for that. The self belief in myself in all the stuff I am good at has dropped.

Will just have to slowly get it back by doing things that don’t involve winning or losing. Just pure enjoyment things

I can’t do things in the moment. I always push things to the last minute or leave things until later. And like talking to another woman I see that I’m interested

I’m at peace if it ends but even if I’m not done healing. I should be able to seize the moment and talk to ppl then and there. Or else they disappear

This is her reply

Hiya, I need some time to think if I really want to do this again or not.
If you could just leave me be in the meanwhile I’d appreciate it, thanks.

She’s involved in a spontaneous work project and is busy atm.

But I blew her phone up for sure.

She hasn’t cut me off from the direct line but did block me from whatsapp. It’s too important for her to delete that so it must be a block. I confirmed it with a friend on how blocks work.

I sent the romantic songs. But along with lots of messages over the days. Im in panic mode like my wnen I had first true romantic love.

I would like to fix things.

But it seems like that one relationship from 2014-2018 that we can’t win. At that time she made a fuss about me dropping my beer can and that led to an argument. She gave me multiple chances to talk to her in person and give me a “chance” but I feel she knew the answer. I just tried being me. Then I was more nervous for sure . She was already seeing someone and I pushed my self to the limit to try to win her back and ask for Marriage. The funny thing is her best friend knew and told her everything. So it was all known. That ex just couldn’t believe I would do it.

Here in the present we see the same thing. I made two dumb mistakes that were not forced like in the past, that made her question but the relationship and ultimately break up with me. And I’m being given chance after chance only to be shot down. Her saying I couldn’t seize the moment because all my life it seems I’m so close to the rekindling things or fixing things or getting successful only to be shot down. It’s not a game but if you come in 2nd you are only the 1st loser. That’s how it feels my whole life. And I couldn’t control my emotions. I said some nasty things thinking the relationship was done. It was just saying that she was a bad person but I instantly took it back. She said that her only other relationship she had suffered depression because her bf said the same thing..I started crying and told her to never ever let anyone define who she is by just a couple of words that come seeking revenge. That’s she’s special kind and very loving. Idk if she blocked me on Whatsapp due to that interaction. Also do not know if she’s left her mother’s house but I should have relaxed a bit after that. Idk. Just the wounds run deep. And I’m a terrible convincer. Before I could convince her but here I had no valid argument

Then she officially breaks it up. I tell her it’s not fair to say that I didn’t live up to the moment. That I’m scared of missing out but couldn’t give her my full undivided attention. She’s right about that. I deviated. But to say this one moment is the defining combination of the relationship, it’s not, it’s every moment. Then we have an argument, some harsh exchanges and then we slightly make up and I could talk to her. But she’s got the silent mode again. So maybe she’s doing something else. Why would she stay on the phone 3 hrs after breaking it up?

She’s broken up with me like 3 (including this one) Times and attempt3d to break up like 2 times before.

What do I make out of her reaction? And willing to talk after?

Other than it’s getting a bit out of hand?