So for me, i know we aren’t compatible at times but she was giving me a chance and the feeling of coming so close to fixing or attaining something and falling short sucks. It’s happened in many other aspects of life for me, job opportunities and interviews, competitive aspects such as spots and games. It gets me thinking sometimes is it just not destined to be or am I cursed. How can I get so close and fail .

And then there’s the other aspect of regretting and hyper analyzing my decisions.

My intuition feels right and is almost always right but when I act out of emotion and I do a lot, things get out of hand. And then I can’t regret and go back and correct my errors. I don’t like really looking back and hyper analyzing myself and my decision. In the past I doubted my career choices and I had like a quarter life crisis that took a lot to get over. Now I’m more at ease with decision making even tho I’m still an indecisive person. After the discussion with her, I had competitive things I had to do and I kept second guessing myself and my prep ultimately let me to do poorly. After a little bit of brushing off, I was able to sneak a win in the 2nd. Bout since I was a bit level headed.just need to take. It day by day

So I sent her a ton of messages, pictures and videos and even a sentimental video I made her of us and then she said she would reply but this was before I sent all that. I just want to have all that out there just in case she cuts off communication. I’m going all in, even it costs me.
But she still hasn’t responded and it’s been a few days. And now she’s back from her mom’s place so basically now she is free to do anything and even pursue someone else possibly. I’ve been patient but if she were to.do that she should tell. Me so I could cut her off or her to me and I can move on idk.. that’s how I feel like

I mean I messed up our last serious talk but it. Already happened. Can’t. Go back so there’s not much else I can do

I’m still hopeful but I have maybe 3 sets of things to send since we aren’t on each other’s social media. After that I don’t know what to say and one of them includes the goodbye and my closing statements if it comes to that. Which it seems like most likely it will sadly. That’s what kind of kills me on the inside because I felt like I could have potentially prevented that had I been more calm in the last serious talk which I didn’t think it would turn out that way. The way it did because we said hurtful things to one another. Maybe things that we can’t take back.

I mean I also don’t know when you’re this far deep into arguments

How can you go back to the way it was even if we were to make it work out

Like it seems almost impossible

But some of the other times we were able to but for some reason this time I don’t know if I could change fate even if I still believe. The fact that kills me is that I had a chance or supposedly I had a chance at the end so that’s what he’s still eating inside of me and that I messed that up by overreacting and showing too much emotion

Is it really fair to put that much pressure on one conversation? Even if I was tired and slept 9 hrs in 3 days cuz of our different timezones?

I dont wanna keep hyper analyzing what I could have done. But i cant help it. I could have waited to text her the following morning. Do I just accept what happened. I have to but like i cant help but regretting cuz I had a plan and I also deviated from it. We probably arent compatible emotionally but we are in other ways. So why am I questioning what I should have done? She is so negative in how she talks that I have no option to respond equally. I should have just let her speak and now everything I say makes her mad. She has been against the relationship since like month 5 out of 21. I know I messed up but like everytime i shut down how can I pick myself back up. Like i just wanted us to end in good terms and be a couple and just end it properly. Why is the bad timing all she can see. Her words are so serious. Never any joy in them. I love her dearly. But I want positivity in my life. I am very sexually in tune with her but when it comes to conversations she always starts and seems very negative and serious. Or just is too formal. Im her bf, she neednt be like that. Now im regretting my approach because I wanted to let her speak her mind and I was gonna reply later. Instead I was right there when she texted me after 9 hrs of sleep in 3 days. Like cant she cut me a break?

She has already blocked me in her 2nd point of contact that we never use. and now im afraid the inevitable will happen. The blocking on her main line. She gave me a few hours when her mom was making food and some hours after. But it was all misunderstandings. I know relationships shouldnt be this hard but i still care for her. My problem is that I want us to end on a good being together one last time than just letting her go. It hurts. But I know now I have to look for my soulmate. The problem is Ive never actively looked. Just ppl who am I attracted to.

Should I be romantic and send her some songs? Like I said, I rather end things on a good note. and let her know I care.

Instead of telling her that, I told her one of the reasons I shed tears is because I didn’t value her and listen to her. I prioritized trying be with an influencer and make potential connections that could maybe help me launch my viralness and the fear of missing out. That’s why I disobeyed her when she had a peak work season in the film industry without sleeping (3hrs per night) and still came to go visit her

She responded

I think you should really think what and who is valuable in life.
Fear of missing out is a way to put it – but do you know the value of WHAT you’re missing out on?

And one thing I will never understand is your crave of “making it big”. Being an influencer is surely a thing nowadays, but people who actually make a living out of it, and can keep doing so is only handful and often they’re the ones who do their research and put their creativity and everything into it.
People who try to piggyback on someone else’s efforts will only be a one-hit wonder, if they’re lucky.

Spontaneous, you may call yourself.
But to me I never got the impression of you being “grounded”, and that’s why we don’t work out because I am on the opposite end than you, being realistic than ever. I stopped hoping for luck, or miracle, or a fairytale life, when I realized my life wasn’t made for that – and I actually have to work for the things I want instead of waiting for it to be presented out of nowhere.
For instance, I am well aware that if I were to become “rich”, it will never be by winning a lottery, but by working hard, and steadily. That is the star I am born under.

I politely said

Also I’m incredibly tired- only slept 3 hrs yesterday :[ will respond in a bit if I don’t fall asleep

While listening and agreeing to her texts

She then responds.
“Being in love, and feeling loved is great, and probably nothing more to ask for – if I was in the hopelessly romantic faze.
But I spent almost 2 years doing a long distance relationship with you, and my life slapped me with a reality check. That’s all.

I’m not sure if you understand where I’m coming from, or where I’m going with this, but when I say I don’t see a future with you, is because the future you picture is vague to my eyes. You seem to just hope everything will work out on its own, whereas I am a person who needs maps to navigate through.
And that’s probably why I say “I don’t like to waste my time”, because I know if I take my time to map things out I have a higher chance of achieving my goals, rather than swimming right to left as I please with no sense of direction.
It’s just a fundamental difference.”

At this time I had a need to send this message along with many pictures of how my Day went.. then I took a shower

I said
“My day today (with the pics) – I’m going to take a break-
I’m a bit tired. Ive slept like 8 hrs in like 3 days.”

I never told her I was gonna take a shower tho

I said
The influencer thing is something that has been dead for a long time before COVID..like you said even if you know ppl , it doesn’t matter. The world likes the influencers and seldom likes the friends or posse of influencers.

Here and there, I just turn on the camera for fun.

Then she said this

You see?
That’s our fundamental difference.

Nah, I meant as –
You get distracted even in front of a serious topic, or an issue.
I stay focused until that topic is discussed or solved, I give my full attention.

if you’re tired, I get it.
But I hope you realize that it has always been like this. Every single time that we try to have a serious conversation.
You only send minutes long voice messages when it’s only convenient for you.

So yeah, I guess it was silly of me for thinking we can discuss about our differences one last time, just in hopes I can find something to agree with you.
It only proved that we will always end up in the same spot no matter what the circumstances.
And that has always been the reason why we never moved forth with our serious talks, because you always paused and derailed. Do you disagree?

Then I said
I get you. I do get distracted for sure- but this message I was gonna send to you before I went to bed anyway. So I was sending it because yesterday night when you texted me to think about really hard about my self I had already written this answer to your 2nd question

She said
This doesnt matter either. Because you cant seem to read between the dialogue and think if what and when you’re sending stuff is right at that moment. You “need” to get it out of your way – and you dont seem to care how the other person receiving it will take it.

It doesnt matter. It seems like with us, timing seems always off.(Regarding how I took a break to try to calm myself)

Yeah, and even if you did and forgot to send these stuff, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. Only you wanted to send them, and I, who received them, have no use for these random photosYou can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.You can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.

She then just shoots me down and said I disappponted her in this conversation, that she confirmed stuff and that

You can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.

In the end I tried to listen to her but I was tired. Or maybe it is an excuse. I feel like again I just got distracted by not sending the original message and because I wasnt super ready to talk that night. I just wanted to relax and get back to her when the weekend was done and I had a clear head. instead I immediately responded and sent a random pictures while we were supposed to have a serious conversation. Idk how I just couldn’t read her replies and instead got emotional. Why is it easy to analyze after the fact. And not in the moment?

I wasn’t trying to be emotional but I probably saw her shutting me down and I just panicked .it’s easy in retrospect

I appreciate your reply

I can maybe analyze myself in the future!

She’s off to see her mother so I told her to have a safe flight. She just replied thanks.

Then I told her to let me know when she got there and to tell her mom hi.

Message was ignored or shes just concentrated on her mom

Her dad passed away 2 months ago and we broke up 5 weeks ago. I kind of did the confession and ask her to go some of her travel and then I broke down and cried and asked her if she needs
Someone she has me for her dad

Okay, so I have 2 questions;

1. Why do you think the past 2, serious, long distance relationships didn’t work out?

2. I want you to self-reflect carefully, listen to your heart about this, but what exactly is that have been making you cry during this breakup?

After sending many voice messages she says this

well, okay, that took me like 2h to go through all of your voice messages while eating dinner and chilling with my mom & doggo…

And I kinda got lost.
Did you ever find your answer to Q2? If not it’s okay, cause it is a question that could take time – I’m asking you to think real hard about it.
I guess from my side the intent of asking that was because I wonder if you kept crying out of disappointment – to you/the breakup/anything else, or being afraid of loosing something and if so what that is.

What do I respond and is it appropriate to send this?

She’s now with her mother at her hometown. Should I wait to tell her my confession after a few days? It was it meant to be there at the last conversation?

We talked for like 6 hrs and stayed silent for the last hour because we were both tired and sleepy. I kind of wanted to give on last plea. Like say I wanna call you everyday from now on. Be there for you. But I didn’t because I didn’t wanna push it. I don’t know how she feels. 3 times I went and visited her when she was working like crazy and prioritized my own fun and enjoyment. I kept getting shot down while we were speaking

I felt like she was opening up toward the end.or maybe she was giving me last goodbye. She said it could have worked but I wanted to hear from her mouth that it would have never worked out. And then I took that role. I said that because I wanted us to admit it.

Idk if that messed it up. She was really cold and quiet. idk what that means. Wasn’t chatting too much but might have been just relaxing and playing her mobile game like she always does or reading stuff. If I have any regrets it’s not making a final plea to change and do better and maybe not say the relationship was always doomed to fail. She kind of ignored that

I’m so nervous, it’s gonna happen soon