Instead of telling her that, I told her one of the reasons I shed tears is because I didn’t value her and listen to her. I prioritized trying be with an influencer and make potential connections that could maybe help me launch my viralness and the fear of missing out. That’s why I disobeyed her when she had a peak work season in the film industry without sleeping (3hrs per night) and still came to go visit her

She responded

I think you should really think what and who is valuable in life.
Fear of missing out is a way to put it – but do you know the value of WHAT you’re missing out on?

And one thing I will never understand is your crave of “making it big”. Being an influencer is surely a thing nowadays, but people who actually make a living out of it, and can keep doing so is only handful and often they’re the ones who do their research and put their creativity and everything into it.
People who try to piggyback on someone else’s efforts will only be a one-hit wonder, if they’re lucky.

Spontaneous, you may call yourself.
But to me I never got the impression of you being “grounded”, and that’s why we don’t work out because I am on the opposite end than you, being realistic than ever. I stopped hoping for luck, or miracle, or a fairytale life, when I realized my life wasn’t made for that – and I actually have to work for the things I want instead of waiting for it to be presented out of nowhere.
For instance, I am well aware that if I were to become “rich”, it will never be by winning a lottery, but by working hard, and steadily. That is the star I am born under.

I politely said

Also I’m incredibly tired- only slept 3 hrs yesterday :[ will respond in a bit if I don’t fall asleep

While listening and agreeing to her texts

She then responds.
“Being in love, and feeling loved is great, and probably nothing more to ask for – if I was in the hopelessly romantic faze.
But I spent almost 2 years doing a long distance relationship with you, and my life slapped me with a reality check. That’s all.

I’m not sure if you understand where I’m coming from, or where I’m going with this, but when I say I don’t see a future with you, is because the future you picture is vague to my eyes. You seem to just hope everything will work out on its own, whereas I am a person who needs maps to navigate through.
And that’s probably why I say “I don’t like to waste my time”, because I know if I take my time to map things out I have a higher chance of achieving my goals, rather than swimming right to left as I please with no sense of direction.
It’s just a fundamental difference.”

At this time I had a need to send this message along with many pictures of how my Day went.. then I took a shower

I said
“My day today (with the pics) – I’m going to take a break-
I’m a bit tired. Ive slept like 8 hrs in like 3 days.”

I never told her I was gonna take a shower tho

I said
The influencer thing is something that has been dead for a long time before COVID..like you said even if you know ppl , it doesn’t matter. The world likes the influencers and seldom likes the friends or posse of influencers.

Here and there, I just turn on the camera for fun.

Then she said this

You see?
That’s our fundamental difference.

Nah, I meant as –
You get distracted even in front of a serious topic, or an issue.
I stay focused until that topic is discussed or solved, I give my full attention.

if you’re tired, I get it.
But I hope you realize that it has always been like this. Every single time that we try to have a serious conversation.
You only send minutes long voice messages when it’s only convenient for you.

So yeah, I guess it was silly of me for thinking we can discuss about our differences one last time, just in hopes I can find something to agree with you.
It only proved that we will always end up in the same spot no matter what the circumstances.
And that has always been the reason why we never moved forth with our serious talks, because you always paused and derailed. Do you disagree?

Then I said
I get you. I do get distracted for sure- but this message I was gonna send to you before I went to bed anyway. So I was sending it because yesterday night when you texted me to think about really hard about my self I had already written this answer to your 2nd question

She said
This doesnt matter either. Because you cant seem to read between the dialogue and think if what and when you’re sending stuff is right at that moment. You “need” to get it out of your way – and you dont seem to care how the other person receiving it will take it.

It doesnt matter. It seems like with us, timing seems always off.(Regarding how I took a break to try to calm myself)

Yeah, and even if you did and forgot to send these stuff, it wouldn’t have mattered to me. Only you wanted to send them, and I, who received them, have no use for these random photosYou can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.You can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.

She then just shoots me down and said I disappponted her in this conversation, that she confirmed stuff and that

You can text if you want, but once and for all, I have nothing else to say to you. You helped me make up my mind clear than getting my emotions in the way.

In the end I tried to listen to her but I was tired. Or maybe it is an excuse. I feel like again I just got distracted by not sending the original message and because I wasnt super ready to talk that night. I just wanted to relax and get back to her when the weekend was done and I had a clear head. instead I immediately responded and sent a random pictures while we were supposed to have a serious conversation. Idk how I just couldn’t read her replies and instead got emotional. Why is it easy to analyze after the fact. And not in the moment?

I wasn’t trying to be emotional but I probably saw her shutting me down and I just panicked .it’s easy in retrospect

I appreciate your reply

I can maybe analyze myself in the future!

She’s off to see her mother so I told her to have a safe flight. She just replied thanks.

Then I told her to let me know when she got there and to tell her mom hi.

Message was ignored or shes just concentrated on her mom

Her dad passed away 2 months ago and we broke up 5 weeks ago. I kind of did the confession and ask her to go some of her travel and then I broke down and cried and asked her if she needs
Someone she has me for her dad

Okay, so I have 2 questions;

1. Why do you think the past 2, serious, long distance relationships didn’t work out?

2. I want you to self-reflect carefully, listen to your heart about this, but what exactly is that have been making you cry during this breakup?

After sending many voice messages she says this

well, okay, that took me like 2h to go through all of your voice messages while eating dinner and chilling with my mom & doggo…

And I kinda got lost.
Did you ever find your answer to Q2? If not it’s okay, cause it is a question that could take time – I’m asking you to think real hard about it.
I guess from my side the intent of asking that was because I wonder if you kept crying out of disappointment – to you/the breakup/anything else, or being afraid of loosing something and if so what that is.

What do I respond and is it appropriate to send this?

She’s now with her mother at her hometown. Should I wait to tell her my confession after a few days? It was it meant to be there at the last conversation?

We talked for like 6 hrs and stayed silent for the last hour because we were both tired and sleepy. I kind of wanted to give on last plea. Like say I wanna call you everyday from now on. Be there for you. But I didn’t because I didn’t wanna push it. I don’t know how she feels. 3 times I went and visited her when she was working like crazy and prioritized my own fun and enjoyment. I kept getting shot down while we were speaking

I felt like she was opening up toward the end.or maybe she was giving me last goodbye. She said it could have worked but I wanted to hear from her mouth that it would have never worked out. And then I took that role. I said that because I wanted us to admit it.

Idk if that messed it up. She was really cold and quiet. idk what that means. Wasn’t chatting too much but might have been just relaxing and playing her mobile game like she always does or reading stuff. If I have any regrets it’s not making a final plea to change and do better and maybe not say the relationship was always doomed to fail. She kind of ignored that

I’m so nervous, it’s gonna happen soon

Yes. Mostly boss and client, because right now we are offline, people have less to do and have their eyes open more and will pinpoint more including my boss since he under supervision a bit these days.

Yeah I like it cuz its flexible and relatively chill and slower paced with more monitoring more than anything and the computers do most of the work. I dont eat well cuz im gone days at a time and my sleep schedule goes from night to day shift and back to day with a week break in between. That cant be good for the body long term.

Yes I am worried about the boredom and freedom lost. I know it seems very lazy but thats who im currently am. I still need to ask about Vacation and how frequently we can take it.

This is a step career wise but I feel like this is job u take years down the road when u have a family and need stability. I dont want to look for another job, I want the next or current job I have to be my last.

I have tried giving it some thought and I wonder if the childish arrogance in me is being pessimistic. I also leave for a trip, which idk if the new job is cool with altho Ive stated twice I was taking. Would be 2.5, almost the same amount of time I would ask to renounce my current job. I just feel nervous. I just hope this trip can provide more guidance as to the type of life I can be. I feel like I cant do a job more than 3 years without changing. Idk how much currently this job would entertain or be beneficial to me but yeah I only see myself max 2-3 doing this. I wanted to work up to the job I applied for but like I said its bacteria not that much chemistry and its super simplistic while this job altho ez, sometimes can be really easy and I like it about it and I enjoy it cuz its easy. I have to like what Im doing, Thanks for listening Hellcat!

Why do we fear change? I got so used to this lifestyle, although the schedule of 7 on days 7 off and then 7 on nights and the 7 days off is not good for ones health. I know this job like the back of my hand and I really enjoy it because it deals with more innovative and interesting chemicals and the other deals with more bacteria and its straight forward. Ugh, why…. the govt job gives u a life lon pension. I would only have to work a month extra for 20 years if that to achieve that

I am definitely a one person type of guy so I can understand where things went wrong. The problem I have is that everyone is telling me to stop talking to her and I agree with them, I want to move on. I didn’t even say happy birthday to her. She didn’t mention it but she picked up a gift. As long as we keep communicating I’ll always think I have a chance. The problem is I try to ignore and she doesn’t text unless she’s spoken to. I already told her I cannot be work text buddy, I cannot give her any attention. I already asked her 3 times out and she made excuses and the other guy is doing stuff with her. So then I can’t keep talking to her like she can just do that. I’m trying to do no contact but when I feel sad I always try to talk to her again like 3days of no talking as of late. At this point unless he messes up, I don’t think she will meet up with me which is why I wanted to move on but my busy work schedule has impeded me from this and the new women I am talking to have deleted apps or straight up told me they don’t feel a connection because I’m not really putting the best effort and it’s taking time to be myself. Even finding a rebound would be ideal because it would be a much needed distraction and could turn into something special. The thing is that one wasn’t interested and I was okay with that but the other was pretty cute but the conversation fell apart because I was too busy with work and she deleted the app. So this is why I feel sad I gave the wrong one my contact info. I should be making an effort to move on. But I’m also buying a house so everything is super raw and I can’t put in my all now. I like a certain type of women and the more I think about it, the least type of women I can find out Here sadly especially with two potential women deleted and not interested it makes me doubt my choice to stay here cuz I Also am searching for that life partner! Any input is appreciated. I wish things just ended nicely and was honest with her feelings so I wouldn’t feel hatred and wanting to cut her off. She disssed me that much is true