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AlessaParticipantHi Peter
Apologies I was distracted by the conflict. I have not forgotten about you though! ❤️
Not at all, I am the one who gets easily confused. It isn’t you. But thank you for caring. ❤️
I’m glad that you liked the ideas. I always like the ideas in whatever you share. ❤️
Well in the past you have shared that you have a preponderance towards acceptance and sitting with things, not fixing them. Noting that a desire to fix can be a problem for you sometimes.
Whereas, I feel like change is a constant for me and fixing things is inevitable because I’m constantly learning, growing and changing as a person. Acceptance is important too, don’t get me wrong. But I also accept the desire for change.
Even a desire not to fix things could be seen as a desire to fix the problem with fixing things.
I was watching a video yesterday that reminded me of you and your seeking quest.
It turns out that seeking is human nature and linked to our survival as a species. What we seek differs from person to person. We are not designed to be content all of the time or we would never get anything done. We are designed to work hard for very little in the way of a reward. It was comforting to realise that we are just human. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt is just the truth.
Caring is a good thing. It won’t lead you astray.
Thank you. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt is okay. Please don’t worry. I don’t mean to hurt you.
I just wanted you to know that the things that hurt most are simply just PTSD triggers for me. My old therapist would always ask me whenever I had strong emotions. When was the first time you ever remember feeling this way?
It helps to unpick the past from the present. It is not your fault that I have PTSD. ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt was actually a ptsd trigger. I appreciate you trying to understand.
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
Welcome back! You were missed and I have been thinking about you. 😊
Thank you for sharing yet another beautiful poem! I’m becoming a bit of fan. 😉
I have asthma, laryngospasms and allergies. It really gives you a perspective on breathing when you struggle to breathe. It is a miracle that is easy to take for granted. The value only truly appreciated when it is taken away.
Breath can bring such relief. Anxiety and breathing difficulties are a vicious cycle perpetuating each other. A very urgent issue struggling to breathe.
Ironically, staying calm when struggling to breathe is the most helpful thing for me. It’s quite terrifying trying to stay calm whilst your throat closes. The sensations of the body and the anxiety themselves become a trigger.
Take a sip of water. It will be alright if you stay calm. You have to stop coughing and trying to clear your throat. Remember that being afraid only makes it worse. Try and relax.
I never used to acknowledge the impact of anxiety on my breathing issues. It helps to realise how much worse it makes these things. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Unfortunately, I still don’t feel heard. It is the nature of my role in this conflict. I am a person with feelings too and I hurt, despite my ability to communicate calmly.
Thank you for trying your best. ❤️
Why do you think it unsettled me? Because I only said that it did and didn’t explain why.
Stopping because Lori told you too was very hurtful for me. It felt like my boundaries didn’t matter. It is nice to hear that changed. Thank you for sharing that.
I understand your desire to talk to Tee directly.
I imagine that there might be multiple things going on as well?
Perhaps it might have been hard to keep track of all of the voices and reply during a disagreement? I thought that having a separate conversation would help you to remember to reply to my messages. Or perhaps you felt that replying to some in the middle of a conflict was too unsafe?
It seemed like you also might have wanted to shut down some of the criticism because you were feeling overwhelmed by it? I can understand that. It has been a long and difficult conflict. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Roberta
That is unfortunate, bless their souls! Thanks, I’m definitely a bit obsessed with him. 😄
He’s okay with sharing food because I often share mine with him. I taught him to wait and take turns for things like soup.
He has started doing 1 on 1 play dates recently and goes to the park (he’s fine at the park). My friend just found a longer toddler group. An hour and a half. It was a lot of kids in his age group which was good because they understood the social rules. He had a good time.
Fortunately, he didn’t do the slapping again today. He tried briefly waving his arm in the air and I said no hitting, took him away briefly, gave the toy he was interested in away. He changed his mind about that strategy and stopped.
I think just being consistent in you are not going to be allowed to do that with other kids and it will end your fun seems to be helping. I’m relieved. I did tell him that all of the toys are for sharing as well!
He’s been going through a phase of trying not to listen to me. Pretending that he didn’t hear me when I ask him to do something because whatever he is doing or wants to do is more fun and he sees me as a bit of a soft touch. I’m trying to teach him that just because someone is kind doesn’t mean that they are weak. And it hurts people’s feelings when you ignore them.
Fortunately, he doesn’t really kick and the hitting doesn’t hurt. It is just the principle of it. The biting on the other hand… gives me bruises through clothes. He only really does that with me. 🫣
You were right about the poop rage! Both of the days he was doing the slapping, a poop happened shortly after. Who knew?! 😂
Yes, that is true! Sensation is helpful. I feel like people perceive sensation very differently. Perhaps they do in general, for most senses? Thank you again for all of the tips. Excellent advice, as always! ❤️
AlessaParticipantDang it!
* Your idea reminded me of the song Getting to know you, sung by Julie Andrews. 🎶
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Count me in! ❤️
Your idea reminded me of the song Bon Appétit, Your Majesty Getting to know you, sung by Julie Andrews. 🎶
I have been watching an anime called Sakamoto Days recently. It is about an ex-hitman who builds a life with family and friends.
Also, the new season of Wednesday was pretty good.
My guilty pleasure show at the moment is Bon Appetit, Your Majesty. It’s a Korean drama. There is a 3 michelin star chef who travels back in time and cooks for the king introducing him to modern dishes. ❤️
Looking forward to getting to know everyone! ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Well, we had differences in opinion. He felt like he could gossip to me and criticise my loved ones unfairly. That is a boundary for me. I expressed that I wasn’t going to accept that or indulge in it. He decided he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.
He still has issues, I hope he heals in his own time and way. ❤️
What do I do with the pain of losing a friend? Empathise with his struggles. Empathise with my own pain and live my life. ❤️
AlessaParticipantMy understanding was by reflecting the nature of the situation. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI had some good advice from a friend today. I often feel my heart and my reason conflict. He suggested that in matters of heart, follow your heart. In matters of reason, follow reason. I thought that was excellent advice. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I had this friend who has C-PTSD. He constantly fought with everyone. He would gossip about the fights to his friends and it created a culture of fear to criticise him. Fearing criticism he could never learn by reflecting on how he created his own situation. ❤️
People would eventually get fed up and end up losing their temper with him, by holding in their pain and he would cast them aside for being mean to him, gossip and blog about his fights with them too, ignoring the pain he had caused others. Focusing only on his own pain. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
I’m so sorry that you are feeling ignored on your own thread. I can understand why that hurts and is deeply concerning to you. ❤️
I appreciate your willingness to allow people to heal and feel supported. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I’m sorry, I didn’t give you a proper reply before because I was hoping that the conversation would be more constructive for you after an apology. I’m sorry that things are still challenging. ❤️
I’m feeling better after taking a break from the conflict. I’m happy to continue supporting you on this thread. ❤️
I understand that Anita has expressed a desire for me to stop doing that for her.
I can understand the your need to be heard and acknowledged first before a compromise.
I guess, I just think of things in a different way. Personally, I don’t need a common understanding to acknowledge pain initially. My primary focus is on being treated with respect first and foremost. I would rather be unheard, than to be treat disrespectfully. I feel like being treat in a respectful way naturally precedes a willingness to listen.
You weren’t trying to be hurtful were you? The purpose was to protect yourself from the similar things happening in the future and preventing harm to yourself.
I can understand that you don’t see things in the same way though. It is okay. I think we just have different perspectives.
Ah well, I can clarify what I meant by Anita might be feeling like she isn’t heard. I meant that she might not be feeling heard in the most recent argument.
Your perspective is that you apologised initially in the initial conflict and tried to meet her needs at then and that she hadn’t tried to apologise to you yet. It was her turn to do that next. Essentially? That is fair.
You wanted things to be fair and not feel like you are begging or putting in an undue amount of emotional labour. I can understand that, it isn’t a pleasant feeling begging to be heard.
You do deserve to be heard and not blamed. ❤️
What was tough for you about the conflict?
I can share my perspective about respect – showing due regard for someone’s feelings, wishes or rights.
Do you feel like you were respected in the argument?
I can understand that, it is honestly very hard in a conflict like this to stay open. Yes, I think so. But it is not your fault. It is a difficult situation to be in. You are a good person being open to reflection. ❤️
I feel like people can change their minds during conflicts, perhaps I’m naive and overly optimistic. ❤️
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 