Hi Everyone

I do appreciate that the trauma that everyone has been through is really difficult. I understand the desire to support Sophie. ❤️

I don’t think it is helpful to label an autist as a narcissist. The two conditions have some similarities, but are different. One is a neurodevelopmental condition and in the UK diagnosis is rigourous.

I will add that it is possible for an autist to also be abusive and not all abusers actually have narcissistic personality disorder. Trauma is trauma nonetheless. The reason doesn’t make it any easier to bear.

That being said the advice that everyone has provided is helpful. Sorry for interrupting. ❤️

Hi Sophie

I can assure you that it is possible for autists to lie. They do have tendencies to lie for specific reasons. To hide mistakes, to benefit others, to avoid negative situations or to be accepted.

I’m autistic myself and many of my friends and family are also autistic.

I’m sorry that you never had the mother you needed and suffered at the hands of the one you had. It isn’t easy when the child is more capable than the parent.

I’m glad to hear that your husband has started a new job and you will be able to go to therapy again later when the bills calm down. Please feel free to express yourself here. Some people also find AI helpful to talk to as well. ChatGPT, Copilot, Gemini and the like.

Unpicking the difficulties of autistic meltdowns from abuse is not easy. I’ve just started researching that myself. What I’ve learned so far:

A brief summary of the difference is that triggers usually occur before a meltdown. These could be emotional, stress, pain, sensory, sleep deprivation, hunger etc. The individual is not in full control when experiencing a meltdown and different autists have different skills when it comes to regulating their emotions.

Whereas abuse occurs in a deliberately harmful manner and may be focused around an individual’s desires.

Unfortunately, both experiences can still be harmful to the people around them if they are not equipped to manage emotional meltdowns and don’t understand the difference. Not very helpful when you’re on the receiving end of things.

Feeling responsible for her makes sense. She doesn’t seem particularly capable.

There are different personalities that people have with autism and she seems to have one of the more troublesome ones that causes a lot of conflict with others. That cannot be easy to have grown up with or deal with now. I know people who have similar issues and it is a very stressful way to live.

I can believe when you say that she has done horrible things to you. Sadly. I’m so sorry your mother has treat you in this way.

There was a family member that my therapist made recommendations to treat as though she were ill and have no expectations of them as a result of their issues. It is not easy to care about someone like that. Doing your best to have a minimal role in her life sounds like a smart choice, one that I also took.

Hi Sophie

I’m sorry to hear about all of the difficulties with your mother. These things aren’t easy.

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing referring her to professional support.

If it helps any, she may actually gain some self-sufficiency by you stepping back from helping her all the time. I used to help out similarly for a family member who also has autism, but now I take a less involved role.

I realised that my helping out was from conditioning with my own childhood difficulties. I was trying to manage the person’s mood because I was uncomfortable with the person being in a bad mood.

It might be helpful to reflect and dig deeper into some of the reasons you feel a need to help her so much. Your reasoning might be different from my own.

Stepping back from managing someone else’s dysregulation allowed them to take a more active role in managing their own dysregulation.

I do still care, but I don’t overload myself with it anymore. It is important to prioritise managing your own emotional regulation. How will she learn if you don’t model the behaviour she needs to learn? But more importantly, you deserve to be happy and enjoy the relationship with your husband! ❤️

I also had to work on evening out the relationship, so it felt less one sided to me.

Have you considered therapy for yourself? You’re dealing with a lot with the childhood trauma and caregiver burnout.

Clearly you’re a very empathetic and caring person. I can understand your desire to stay in contact with her.

It took some time to get here, but things are in a more positive place now.

It sounds like you are ready to make these changes and definitely need them for your own wellbeing. I wish you a lot of luck in the process!

Please don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. You deserve it and you cannot help anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first. ❤️

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to write about anything!

Hi With Feathers

I can hear how meaningful this relationship has been for you and how much it hurts to realise it is drawing to a close. ❤️

These things are difficult and painful, but you will always have your memories together. The way that she touched your heart will stay with you.

It is hard that she is moving on, but happiness is what we all want for our loved ones.

You deserve happiness too. It might not be with her, but you should find it for yourself. ❤️

Hi Anita

It is not easy worrying about loved ones. I hope that everything will be okay! ❤️

My son has been ill and he was not himself. Not wanting to eat, or walk, or play with his toys and sleeping for most of the day. I was worried about him. Fortunately, he is starting to feel better already and has some pep back in his step.

It is a blessing to have people to worry about. Choosing to focus on the love is a beautiful realisation. ❤️

I have a different perspective on love. I think it’s complicated. People are fallible and make mistakes. The need for unconditional love is a human need. Yet, it seems to be getting rarer in this world. That is not to say that people should accept abuse. When lives are not compatible it is necessary to part ways, so everyone can move on and be happy.

Imagine people holding up lighters, gently waving them at a concert. I wish there was an emoji for that. Then a row of them. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Peter. Sitting with some of your thoughts has helped me to understand some things. So thank you!

Hi Anita

I can assure you that there is no criticism in the message. But I understand. I’m just letting you know that, so you don’t have to worry. ❤️

Hi Peter

I love your reflection on the web of being. How poetic! Thank you for sharing your wisdom. ❤️

I agree. As a ex-language teacher, I think it is fascinating how differently words are interpreted. I feel like we mean similar things, but express ourselves in different ways.

I am still learning about human nature! 😊 It makes sense that these things are more complicated to practice than to intellectually understand. It always takes time for my emotions to catch up to my logic. Practice makes perfect.

I feel like life is a balancing act. Both pleasant and unpleasant experiences ultimately have to be accepted. And we have to understand our role in managing our own emotions and behaviour. Maybe that is the stage in life I am at right now. If I don’t do that, I don’t take care of my child properly.

I feel like in a society that focuses so heavily on the individual, now has difficulty accepting other people.

Yes, I think that pathway is necessary to feel a sense of belonging, develop appropriate skills in communication and empathy, then to be strong enough to forge our own path. I wonder if it is possible to teach some of these skills at a younger age… My son is likely autistic. As am I. He will likely have some difficulties with socialising. I hope to teach him to take the difficulties in his stride. I know it is easier said than done though. Time works differently for children. Everything feels like it lasts forever.

I remember watching the first X-Men movie as a child, it was that dark scene with Magneto in the WW2 camp. It lasts about 5 minutes and the rest of the movie was in colour. I turned the movie off because it was a black and white movie and I thought that was boring. 🤦‍♀️ I was wrong, it was a great movie.

I know he will make mistakes, as did I. And it will be my job to support him through it all, as best I can.

I agree with the importance of self-acceptance. I don’t think it’s an easy or intuitive process. It seems to me to happen in stages. Like many things I guess.

It didn’t occur to me until I read somewhere recently that the past occurring in the present should be accepted as part of the present. Something that I have worried about trying to unpick for so long. It’s okay to be there, don’t worry about it! Oh, well no one told me that before. That’s simple! It does sound true. 😊

I dare say that things happen in their own time.

I think that a complexity is choice. Ultimately, we do have to decide our own lives. We are always going to have to be guided by desire as people who live in the world.

Sorry, I think I rambled and got off track! ❤️