Hi Tee

I’m glad that you feel better now, even though at the time it stung.

You are definitely not alone. ❤️

Yes, I can see that. I feel like you had good intentions that were misunderstood. I didn’t get the sense that you were being unsupportive at all. No one would apologise multiple times, if they didn’t care. To me, it felt like you were being mischaracterised.

It upset me when you politely shared how you felt about that and were dismissed.

I don’t remember too much about the thread and I am afraid that I’m not very observant, I just remember the basics.

It shows that you care, that you’re willing to consider whether you overreacted or not and are open to a dialogue about it. ❤️

I don’t think you’re a cruel person, quite the opposite. You tried to handle things politely and stood up for yourself more strongly when that didn’t work. What is someone supposed to do when being polite doesn’t work? It is a very personal decision. Please don’t worry, I’m not judging you.❤️

I think for me, the difficulty is with my past trauma. Quite often, there was an expectation that I wasn’t allowed to defend myself as a child. I was supposed to just take abuse and not react. I’m very firm on not accepting things lying down.

The difficulty being that sometimes standing up for yourself escalates things. I have been learning about managing conflict for a while now. It is only recently that I’ve learned to react calmly despite others. It wasn’t an easy skill to learn either. Sometimes I find that it can help to deescalate things. It honestly depends on the person though.

For me, this conflict left me with unmet needs. I like to feel understood, cared about and respected. Sadly, I don’t feel that way. It might not have been intended that way, but to me in the moment, it felt like no one else’s feelings mattered. Which is a tough position to be in. ❤️

Hi Tee

Would you like to share how you feel? Perhaps it might be nice to offer each other empathy and reassurance?

I’m sorry for everything you experienced. You took the brunt of the difficulties in the conflict. I say difficulties because they were many. ❤️

For me, I would say that it hurts when boundaries are ignored. All we really wanted was a little kindness. ❤️

Hi Everyone

Interestingly, I have a friend that has dealt with most of his issues through Buddhism. All he has left are attachment to this world and his body. He is working on that with death meditation.

He doesn’t suffer much, is happy and enjoys life. ❤️

I believe that suffering occurs in degrees, often with multiple causes. It is possible to deal with them individually and lessen suffering. I feel like that is why people take different approaches to get to the same destination. Different things work for different people. ❤️

As for radical acceptance and negative thoughts. There is nothing wrong with negative thoughts if they are seen for what they are. In my experience, most of the time they are a lie that keeps us trapped even though it feels real.

Identifying with the negative thoughts was a big issue for me. With trauma, we absorb the experiences we receive. Who does it sound like? Technically, it is just more self abuse. It is painful to hold memories of these people inside us. To mistake them for ourselves is to suffer. ❤️

There are other parts of ourselves to nurture. Now, I am more light than dark. More good than bad. These things change. These things change over time with practice. Don’t worry and judge yourself for what cannot be controlled. ❤️

Personally, I’m enjoying the conversation. Thank you all for contributing! 🙏

Hi Peter

I wonder if both radical acceptance and holding our thoughts lightly isn’t just the same thing, but different ways to describe it? I have been thinking, it is interesting that people have different ways of getting to the same conclusion. There is more than one way to skin a cat. I wonder about where the methods meet… ❤️

Hi Peter

Hmm I guess, I have always had a very strong belief in change since childhood.

I don’t mean avoiding. But shedding. If that makes sense? When something no longer applies. Sometimes that takes courage. But the courage is already present. Like a butterfly struggling to emerge from a cocoon, then resting and drying it’s wings.

I agree with holding things lightly, even holding lightly the idea of holding things lightly. I’m trying to learn to pick things up and put them down like a cup.

But yes, change. I think we might have different ideas around change? I feel like I keep learning and developing. I am aware of this. I can choose which things to shape. Like taking care of a garden to continue your metaphor. 😉

My narrator is not the same as it once was and that is down to hard work.

Don’t get me wrong. When I started on this path it was out of hatred. Hatred of my biological mother and myself. But things change, even that.

Even something as dark as hatred can transform and give us something beautiful.

I’m sorry to hear that a debate on a recent trip left you feeling unbalanced. It is difficult when family don’t see eye to eye. It is nice to feel seen and understood. ❤️

I wonder if you ever protected yourself as fiercely as you protect others? Or ever had anyone that protected like that? ❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

I’m glad to hear that you had a better time in high school. That is really important to hold onto. It is bad luck with some of the other environments you had. The good luck you had is possible to find again, I’m sure. ❤️

I can understand why it would be painful to experience so many questions about friends whilst you were struggling with those issues. It doesn’t sound like they meant badly though.

I noticed that you have quite a few friends that you spoke about on your other thread. Are they all online? Or do you have anyone locally?

I wonder if because your mother is a social butterfly, you had a lot of pressure put on you to become like her?

Personally, I don’t think having a lot of friends is important. I can cope easily with only a few people in my life. Honestly, some of my friends are in their 70s and I’m only in my 30s. I value kindness in my loved ones, that is all I really need. Everyone is different. It is okay to do things your way. You don’t have to compare yourself to others.

Congratulations again on making more headway in your quest to put yourself out there! You’re doing a really good job and so quickly too. Please let me know how things go. ❤️

Hi James

Yes, human nature is to connect. 😊

Thank you for your thoughtful additions. I really appreciate them. ❤️

An interesting point! It makes sense. It would explain why it is so important to have good parents growing up.

I don’t mean to suggest that it isn’t possible to learn to cope with some of the limitations of our brains and learn to work with them.

That is why Buddhism appealed to me. Psychology only goes so far. Buddhism seems to go a bit further.

Thanks again for sharing your insights! Your perspective fascinates me and I feel like I have a lot to learn. ❤️