Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind words! ❤️

It is hard to talk about these things sometimes. But I do care and I am here for you. I just needed some time to decompress because our trauma is so similar, I get ptsd triggers sometimes. I wanted to be fully present when writing to you so I can show up for you in a thoughtful way.

I’m glad that eating helped you to feel a little better when things are difficult at the moment.

Please let me know if anything is ever not helpful.

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely get it. I didn’t know the background for why the book was made. That is a beautiful reason, thank you for sharing it. 😊

You have so much empathy for people. I think that is a beautiful thing.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel sad for your mother. I care that you are suffering, worrying about her and that you suffered at her hands and she falsely blamed you for it. ❤️

Hi Everyone

I’m doing okay. Overstimulated today. All of this reminded me of a story I read to my son. I hope it is okay to share it. ❤️

You are never alone

Our hearts were connected before you were born when our string of love came to form. You were never alone. Every day since I’ve been right by your side, to nurture to play and to patiently guide. You are never alone. As you start to explore I’ll be just over here, even at night I’m quietly near. You are never alone.

Just think of me and you’ll feel me inside and even if you can’t see me our hearts are still tied. When I think of you, you’ll see I’m right there. The invisible string connects us to all those who care. You are never alone. Our invisible string is the one thing I know that is real and unbreakable as you will grow. You are never alone. There is so much to do, to be and to see. Wherever you are, together we will be. Never will we be alone.

My perspective is slightly different on helping. I believe the little things matter. Sure, we can’t fix each other’s problems, but we can show each other that we care. I feel like that is really all that is needed. I love this caring little community that everyone has built here! ❤️

What a beautiful smile you have Anita! Do you love dancing?

Hi Anita

I’m glad that you found comfort in my message. ❤️ You are a very loving person Anita. It is my impression that you willingly gave up yourself for decades to try and make your mother happy. I’m glad that you stopped doing that. You cannot change your mother’s fate, but you do deserve to be happy.

I’m sorry to hear that empathy for your mother is so painful for you. I imagine that you must be feeling a multitude of different things.

You mentioned that there was never room for you both. I believe it is important when empathising with others not to lose sight of ourselves. Our pain is not erased by the suffering of others.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your kindness and support Anita. You are a treasure! ❤️

Thank you for the excellent quotes, as well as sharing your insights Peter! ❤️

I noticed that a baby’s emotions are easier to deal with than language combined with emotion.

I believe that love is an emotion, as well as an experience. But compassion is a state of mind.

I have been reflecting on anger and I had an interesting experience last night.

I had angry thoughts directed at myself and others. And I thought wow, these thoughts are probably the most intense thing I currently have to experience in my life. Why am I so focused on other things? I stayed calm and thought of it like an angry teenager. A child should not be rejected when they are angry.

I do feel like all people deserve to be treat with the same compassion.

I am reminded of Chris’s insight of the importance of compartmentalisation.

I feel like compassion is easy to find when calm, relaxed and in good company.

I feel like a lot of the time, for various reasons people are uncomfortable with their present experience and try to escape it.

Rumination in itself for me has been an attempt to control my experience of difficulties and make me feel safe.

However, there is a big sacrifice. Worrying about future difficulties related to the present, often makes the present more difficult than it currently is.

For me, this stemmed from a fear of being incapable of handling the difficulties when they fully arise.

I suffer from a different problem. Whilst I’m quite knowledgeable about my own anxiety and how to handle it. I know very little about how to handle other emotions.

I tend to take thoughts and feelings at face value and not explore them further. Language is actually particularly helpful for this. This habit has bitten me in the butt because I don’t ever really address the underlying issue.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita for exploring the shame and self-blame! It definitely got me thinking about things. I’m sorry you experienced years of joyless living. You deserve a lot of joy in your life to make up for lost time. Keep up the great work. ❤️

For me, shame is an emotion. It was linked to thoughts of self-harm when I was younger.

I think I blame myself for not protecting myself. Even now as an adult.

It is hard to balance protecting myself with compassion.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for the beautiful poem Anita! 😍

I have been mulling over some of the things discussed on this thread. I’m truly sorry that you both went through that. 🙏

For me, yes I was scolded for being a child. But shame is more situational. There was a large sexual element to the abuse I experienced as a child. And I felt a tremendous amount of shame about that.

For me, I feel like shame is tied to self-blame. The underlying belief that I am at fault is what gives shame its power.

A friend pointed out that the root of self-compassion issues for me might be that my mother blamed me for being born and ruining her life.

But realistically. It is not my fault that she fell pregnant and decided not to get an abortion or to put me up for adoption. Healthy parents don’t blame their children for existing, or beat them for their childish escapades.

Healthy parents find joy in the carefree nature of children, teach them how to manage their emotions and love them.

It wasn’t my fault she hated being a parent.

Hi Everyone

Thank you Anita! I value your insight too and of course Peter’s as well. 😊

I have an additional thought about anger. It feels like being close to someone makes it easier for me to feel angry.

I worked in customer service dealing with angry customers all of the time and I was able to shrug it off.

Perhaps part of it is that I feel safe sharing my feelings with people that I’m close to. Another part is that I have higher expectations of people I care about and who I know care about me. It hurts more when they make mistakes. But we are all human and no one is perfect. Part of it is also that I blame myself when people I care about communicate issues with me because I care a lot. I don’t just shrug it off. I take it very seriously because I value their opinion.

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this?

I would like to get to the point where I can react the same way inside. Not disturbed no matter what happens around me.

I feel like the past piles up on top of the present too and I am no longer dealing with the situation in front of me. This leads to my feelings being disproportionate. And of course, anxiety feeds into this. Worrying about the meaning of interactions, future interactions. Worrying.