Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
AlessaParticipantHi Roberta
Thank you for sharing! ❤️ It is interesting to learn the hidden secrets of history. Sand pits in local golf courses here are repurposed craters from bombs dropped during world war 2. Who would have thought they would use something like that to bring joy and peace to people?
That is so cool. I would love to visit Samye Ling monastery in Scotland! I do wonder if they allow dogs? Probably not.
I hope that you do get to take your robes one day. I can’t think of anyone more deserving. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI’m conflicted, as usual. 😂
Part of me feels like being compassionate and understanding to all in a conflict can be hurtful in a group setting, especially when people don’t share these values.
It is understandable not to have these values, very few do. It is not something that is expected of people. ❤️
Perhaps it is more beneficial in a private setting? Another part of me wonders though, if there would have been as much support if not for calm voices being in the mix? ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I don’t think anyone blames you. Certainly not Peter, possibly one of the kindest people on this forum. ❤️
I feel like it is difficult when two people have different beliefs, especially when they don’t really have a relationship. It is easy to take offence, where there was none intended. ❤️
I have trust with Peter, so it was easy for me to see his good intentions. Fears are not easy to deal with. Guilt even less so. ❤️
This conversation reminded me of a video I saw online. There was this fella sitting down in a sports stadium, there was a lady behind him being rude, resting her feet on his back. He asked her to stop. She didn’t. She started kicking him in the back. He continued sitting there calmly whilst she was unbelievably rude and assaulted him. A few minutes later, she was taken away by security.
There is another video I saw, someone tried to steal a bike messenger’s motorcycle. She threw her keys into a building so he couldn’t get them. Sat on the bike and scuffled with him as he tried to jack it, refusing to let go and have her livelihood stolen. The thief got tired and ran away.
AlessaParticipantHi Lucidity
No, it is not silly at all! I totally understand the struggle with regulating anxiety. It is human nature to revert to old habits in times of stress. I feel like it takes some time to understand things in our heart that we know in our mind. That you know what you want in your mind, it is only a matter of time until your heart catches up too. These things are complicated and a journey. It’s important to give yourself grace. It’s okay to be human and make mistakes. All you have to do is try your best and that is good enough. ❤️
Bless your soul! Good luck trying it out. ❤️
I think I’m lucky in that my core stress response is to shut down and my instinct is to leave the situation. I have to force myself to stay in a stressful situation. Because my instinct is to take breaks, it does help me to emotionally regulate. People who have different childhood habits might find that difficult to navigate. I’m afraid that I don’t have any advice for that one.
It was something that I had to unpick to get back to this core stress response. My adopted family taught me to engage in conflict because they believed that it showed that you care if you are passionate and upset.
I think a fear of rejection was the thing that was holding me back the most from being able to connect with my empathy during conflict. What if I put myself out there, do all of the right things and it still doesn’t work out?
Then one day I realised that I was only upset because I felt rejected. And if I’m already rejected there is nothing to fear because it has already happened. I can stay true to myself and if things don’t work out, I can say that I tried and give myself comfort knowing that I did my best. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Thanks, I’m glad that you found it helpful. ❤️
Yes, it is nice to accept each other just as we are, the whole person. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I really appreciate your perspective and insight! Thank you for sharing. ❤️
I feel like these things are really complicated because as you said, narcissists can act in this way, but so can people who aren’t narcissists.
I feel like trauma and neurodivergence can produce very similar patterns.
Autism for example, there is a focus on details and a lack of understanding of context or difficulties with understanding others perspectives. Not because they lack the ability to empathise, purely because it is just not understood. When an effort is made to learn and understand, that is when things can change because they are capable of empathising when they understand the situation.
Trauma, I feel like can cause a focus on fears, as opposed to reality. People can perceive attacks, when it was not intended especially if a trigger is involved.
Not to mention, if two people are just in a high stress situation. Instead of understanding the stress is because of the situation, people can focus on what is right in-front of them, each other instead of the abstract idea of the situation and a cycle of blame can start.
Thanks so much Tee. I just figure I should get a head start on it because these things take time to learn. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Yana
Have a good time offline, thinking of you! ❤️
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful passage. 🙏
AlessaParticipantInterestingly, studies show that when it comes to emotional expression some children are more sensitive to it than others. For autists, they are sensitive and need a low level of emotional expression. For neurotypical children, they actually learn better with moderate levels of emotional expression as it teaches empathy and might just be bored by and ignore low levels of emotional expression. ❤️
AlessaParticipant*considering our individual needs
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
Oh it’s not you Peter, just that I’m not as resilient as I would like to be at the moment. So I can’t do things in an ideal way right now. That is all I meant. ❤️
Yes, I understand what you mean. Sometimes things just take me a while to process because I have a learning difficulty. 😊
Do no harm is a good goal, I just wonder about the practicality sometimes. We can only try our best. 🙏
I appreciate your intentions in discussing how to manage conflict Tee. It is definitely an interesting and I think important conversation to have. ❤️
I feel like conflict is very complex and everyone has their own perspective on how to handle things.
Some things that I find helpful to consider are frequency and intensity of difficulties. Yes, technically some behaviours are abusive. There is even such a thing as reactive abuse where someone will act in these ways to defend themselves. The way I see things is that real abuse occurs frequently and consistently, sometimes in multiple different ways and isn’t reactive, or is severe. That is not to say that other difficulties don’t hurt because they definitely still do. I’m just not going to suggest that it means a person is inherently abusive.
It is difficult because abusive behaviours are very widespread in society. Something like only 20% of people are actually truly healthy 100% of the time. On the other side of the spectrum about 26% of people are abusive. Then there is a lot of variation in the middle. Some people might be able to be healthy under moderate levels of stress, but struggle with being reactive under extreme levels of stress, some people are going to be reactive under moderate levels of stress. So context is important.
Something I like to consider is will this bother me in a week? Will this bother me in a month? In a year? And so on and so forth.
As a parent I think it is really important for me to be understanding of conflict because at some point my son will be a teenager. Teenagers these days tend to be verbally abusive, some even hit their parents, siblings or others at school, but their emotional regulation skills are not fully developed yet. In short, it is something that they struggle to control and a part of their development. It is a parent’s responsibility to handle these difficulties in a healthy way and try not to be reactive which would only traumatise their children. ❤️
The challenge is navigating the difficulties of upbringing and meeting ourselves where we are at with any issues we have and considering their individual needs and what is realistically achievable. Changing behaviours takes time and effort. All anyone can do is try their best. ❤️
For me, alcohol is something that doesn’t mix well with my PTSD. Even something like that can be a factor.
Thank you for your kindness Anita. ❤️
AlessaParticipantWow, such a rich history your country has Yana! Thank you for sharing such a fascinating experience. I’ve always been curious about druids. 🙏
I hope you enjoy the festival! 😊
Your spot sounds really lovely. ❤️
AlessaParticipantYes, there is definitely something to be said for spending time with happy and peaceful people. ❤️
I enjoy when a lot of people experience these things together. When everyone goes to see their favourite band at a concert or in church. So many good vibes! 😊
Thank you for sharing Roberta! That sounds wonderful. ❤️
AlessaParticipantThank you for the beautiful songs Yana! It’s so cool that you wrote one of your own. ❤️
I really like this song I Ain’t Worried by One Republic. 🎶
I don’t know what you’ve been told
But time is running out, no need to take it slow
I’m stepping to you toe-to-toe
I should be scared, honey, maybe so
But I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Hey)
I don’t know what you’ve been told
But time is running out, so spend it like it’s gold
I’m living like I’m nine-zeros
Got no regrets even when I’m broke, yeah
I’m at my best when I got something I’m wanting to steal
Way too busy for them problems and problems to feel, yeah, yeah
No stressing, just obsessin’ with sealin’ the deal
I’ll take it in and let it go
But I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Hey)
Ooh, I ain’t worried
Ooh (ooh), oh, no
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Keeping dreams alive, 1999, heroes
I ain’t worried ’bout it right now (right now)
Swimmin’ in the floods, dancing on the clouds below
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Ooh, hey, yeah)
I ain’t worried ’bout it
(Ooh, hey)
I ain’t worried ’bout itAnd I really liked the song Happy by Pharrel Williams. 🎶
It might seem crazy what I am ’bout to say
Sunshine, she’s here you can take a break
I’ma hot air balloon that could go to space, huh
With the air, like I don’t care, baby, by the way, huh
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Here come bad news, talking this and that (talk, yeah)
Well, give me all you got and don’t hold back (yeah)
Well, I should probably warn you, I’ll be just fine (yeah)
No offense to you, don’t waste your time, here’s why
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do (hey, c’mon, uh)
bring me down, can’t nothin’
(Happy) bring me down, my level’s too high
(Happy) to bring me down, can’t nothin’ (huh)
(Happy) bring me down, I said (let me tell you now), uh
can’t nothin’, uh
(Happy, happy), bring me down (happy, happy), my level’s too high
(Happy, happy) to bring me down (happy, happy), can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) bring me down, I said
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like (uh) that’s what you wanna do (hey, c’mon, uh)
, can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) uh, bring me down (happy, happy) my level’s too high
(Happy, happy) to bring me down (happy, happy), can’t nothin’
(Happy, happy) bring me down, I said
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you, ay, ay, ay
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you (hey)
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do
Huh-huh, come onAlessaParticipantMy favourite place is a stream in the woods. I particularly enjoy when it rains because the sound hits the leaves and water. 🍃 💦
It feels very relaxing to just sit, watch the leaves and listen.
I have been watching Alien Earth, the new season of Futurama, the new season of Gen V and rewatching Coyote Ugly (another guilty pleasure).
I really do enjoy stories. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I guess the difficulty for me, is that I have never really felt like a child. I’m what people would describe as an old soul. Even as a child I felt old.
I would say the main difference is that I was quite silly, liked to have fun as a child and had no sense of shame. I just did whatever occurred to me. Running everywhere, rollerblading everywhere even though I was terrible at it and didn’t know how to stop (I would just slam into a wall lol), reading novels everywhere, doing maths in the middle of the night in the summer holidays because my brain was bored and needed something harder to do.
I think that what is really important and often overlooked in adults is a need for unconditional love. Love is given freely to children and pets, but for adults, nope. If they do something wrong they don’t deserve love anymore. I think it’s such a shame and perhaps the wrong approach to life.
No wonder we all feel so separate. Perhaps this is why unconditional positive regard is so important in therapy because people still have that fundamental need and are starved for it. Especially, perhaps the people who came from difficult upbringings and didn’t get it as a child. ❤️
-
AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 