Hi Anita

Thank you so much as well! ❤️

Yes, spot on about loneliness. I wonder what helps you to accept and value yourself?

To be honest, I don’t have much in the way of an identity. I’m a creature of circumstance.

In a way, having a child has been a gift. I went through similar difficulties no doubt to what my biological mother experienced and I didn’t lose myself in it like she did. I can see now, how different I am from her in the way that I’m raising my son. I am very lucky in that I have had a lot of help over the years, during the newborn stage and even the toddler stage. Without it, I might not have been so lucky.

Wow, that is a shame. I’m sorry to hear that she hated herself to that level. Does your face bear any resemblance to your mother’s face at all? I’m sorry if this is a painful question. You don’t need to answer it.

I’m so sorry that your mother wasn’t able to give you the love that every child deserves from their parents. Instead, she took out her demons on you… a very painful thing to grow up with, for she had many to do the things that she did.

I feel like the love a parent offers can be offered by others and it can be just as valid. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion. It was healing for me, to be able to acknowledge that and allow myself to feel loved by others.

Would it be okay if I say a prayer for your Mother?

I’m glad that expressing expressed and repressed feelings is helping you.

I was wondering, if there are any things that you enjoy or even don’t enjoy in communication with others?

I like to learn about others preferences and try to accommodate them. I would like to accommodate your needs and respect your wishes. ❤️

I know that some of the things I say can be interpreted differently from my intent and sometimes it can even be painful for people. I would not wish to cause you pain, and if I ever do. I hope that you communicate it, so I can apologise. I am trying to be more mindful of how I communicate, because I know that I can be too straightforward sometimes and it can be painful.

Hi Rosa

Lovely to hear from you! I look forward to reading more from you. If something seems interesting, feel free to jump right in. ❤️

Hi Lais

I just read your article. It’s beautiful that you shared your story and what helped you navigate those difficulties. I think you did a great job of covering most things already.

You raise a lot of interesting questions.

Sure, I feel like when challenges in life occur are when things become a bit unstable for me. Often it is required to come up with entirely new strategies for managing each unique situation. It is not so surprising that things are challenging when unsure of how to deal with them. I find that research and asking for help are useful. In this day and age, someone usually has an answer for most difficulties. I have learned to trust that specialists who dedicate their careers to helping in their respective fields are able to give some excellent advise.

I started off thinking that I hadn’t doubted. Upon reflection, I have. Sometimes difficulties are unexpected, scary and we judge ourselves. It was not my path that I doubted. Over the years I have doubted a lot of different things about myself, others or the world around me. It takes a lot to deal with that kind of doubt or lack of trust. Growing as a person and challenging myself until I felt more confident. Disproving unhealthy beliefs. Trying to understand why things happen. Being kind to myself.

How do I deal with others? It depends on the situation. When someone is having difficulties that I don’t know how to navigate, I believe it is better to let someone else who does feel confident step in or at least wait until I do know what to say. At other times, when people are sharing their emotions and experiences, I prefer not to share my own. At other times, what some people need is to not feel alone with these things and I do share.

Holding space during conflict is the most difficult thing for me. It comes from a fear of vulnerability and rejection. What happens if you put all of yourself out there and you are rejected anyway? I’m going to have to have a think and come back to you on this one.

Hmm what has helped to reclaim wholeness? Getting to know myself. Talking over things can be helpful. As someone who focuses more on others, I was surprisingly unaware of myself and have a tendency to ignore my own needs. There is a saying of talking to yourself as if you were a friend. For me, it works better if I think of myself as a daughter. Finally, I found that recognising that a judgement on wholeness in itself is the problem to be helpful.

Good luck on writing your article! Not that you will need it. 😊

Hi Anita

It is not easy, realising that a parent will die and you are castrated from them.

I don’t know if it is true or not, or even if this is something that you might be interested in. I don’t know if this might bring you a measure of comfort? In the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying there is a practice. Basically, it says that when someone dies, that a) they need people to pray for them. b) for 3 days after death the soul sticks around and they hear everyone’s thoughts about them.

I know it might feel like your love was fruitless. From my perspective, whilst your mother rejected your love, that love you have for her you also share with others. That is a very precious and beautiful thing.

It is lovely to see you reflect on love and trust. 😊

I think that love is an inherent part of all of us. The way I see it is that there are barriers or blocks hiding that love at times. Fear and anger for example.

Hi Anita

Same question to you! I feel like you can achieve anything that you put your mind to. ❤️

I’m glad that you find our conversations interesting. I do too! I find that talking to people helps me to process things. 😊

I’ve been thinking about emotions a lot recently. My son is entering the so called terrible twos phase early. I felt completely out of my depth because I didn’t know how to help him.

He tends to get upset really easily. Especially when he wants something. Or near his nap time. If you stop him from doing what he wants.

I went to a parenting class and found that helpful. It inspired me to do some more research about age appropriate emotional support. At such a young age, children are entirely reliant on their parents for help with regulating their emotions. The methods recommended at the moment are basically describing his emotional state, linking a cause and then distracting him. I was already doing the initial steps. The distraction really is key though. It surprised me how quickly and effectively it worked. It is pretty amazing that there are studies that can tell you the best way to help a child of his age.

It highlighted that a lot of the time adults are expected to take care of their emotions alone.

I have been doing some more research into managing emotions for children. It turns out that there is a lot more information for helping children with emotional regulation than there is for adults. I feel like a lot of it is still applicable.

I realise that I am someone who is in general sensitive. Watching a scary tv show before bed unsettles me. It also inspired me, so not all bad!

Hi Anita and Peter

Thank you both for sharing! ❤️

It is fascinating to learn that other people are connecting compassion with history. I have started to do that too in more recent years. I think about the difficulties that people had to deal with in different time periods.

I would agree with you Peter. ❤️

I think I’m just a different kind of person. I grew up emotionally numbing and not feeling emotions. I have this off switch where I can just choose to turn them off when they get too overwhelming.

I had to learn in therapy to tolerate the intensity of my emotions to even feel them. The therapist taught me to do this by connecting to the experience.

So I never really developed the habit of analysing my emotions, thoughts or the experience.

That is not to say that I don’t have automatic negative thoughts, because I do sometimes.

I have also experienced automatic negative thoughts being really distressing.

To answer your question Anita. I recognise them creeping in when I notice my thoughts becoming more negative.

I don’t know if eradicating these thoughts is possible. I know that it is possible to reduce the frequency in a number of ways.

I have learned to see these thoughts as a habit and a recording of my trauma. I try to think who they remind me of. I find it easier to deal with by not identifying with them as my thoughts. I tend to think of my controlled and conscious thoughts as my own.

I see it as a form of self-abuse and try to assess the reality of automatic negative thoughts. It helps me to counter them, but takes a lot of practice. I also don’t like getting too upset with my health issues because stress makes it worse and of course having a child, I cannot take care of him to the best of my ability if I am upset. Meditation was really helpful for me because it taught me to still my mind and accept the presence of all thoughts without being disturbed by them. It was not easy to learn to do though and took a lot of time. I was lucky in that I had a skilled meditator who was able to teach me and figure out ways to overcome some of the challenges that my mental health issues posed. Of course, practicing self-compassion is helpful too. I found that being able to counter negative thoughts was largely dictated by self-compassion.

It is a really unique and challenging process to learn to step back from emotions whilst remaining connected to them.

Well done on countering the negative thoughts Anita! Rock on girl! ❤️

Hi Miss Duchess

Is it okay if I call you that?

First of all I want to say congratulations on graduating!

I’m sorry to hear that you had a difficult room mate in college. It is not easy living with people sometimes. Unfortunately, her behaviour is pretty common in that age group. It must have been hard having your sleep disturbed when you were just interested in focusing on your studies. I’m sorry to hear that your concerns weren’t taken seriously when you asked for help.

Forgiveness can look different to different people. I like to try my best to learn from situations, that way I can put them behind me. Do you think there are any ways that you could handle the situation differently?

Hi Anita

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights! I’m glad to hear you are okay and I miss speaking to you too. ❤️

I think that the advice about healing is very beneficial.

I’m glad that you are on the road of healing and recovery. You deserve it after everything you have been through.

It is hard to change things that are so deep rooted at such a young age. Raising my son I can’t help but consider all of my words and the ways in which it might affect him.

With love I say it is the nature of children to disobey their parents. They are exploring the world. They don’t know any better. And sometimes they do, but their self-control isn’t developed yet. Negative attention is still attention and there are many tantalising things that might seem worth chancing being chastised.

Raising a child is like training a puppy. You cannot expect anything young to take in a huge amount of information in one go. It takes training little by little, so as not to overwhelm and encourage retention of information. This means being patient and letting some things slide. Understanding that they will learn more as they get older.