Hi Kane

I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling so good right now. You seem burnt out, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Please be gentle with yourself. ❤️

Regarding changing family dynamics. They can change, for the better for the worse, it is up to the individual.

You can be an inspiration to them. You can teach them. But it is up to them whether they listen or if they prefer to carry on. Pay attention to how they respond.

I’ve been there. My sister got through it. My Mum gave up.

Unfortunately, these things take time. It is not an easy thing to do. People change a little at a time. You will be hurt in the process.

Some advice I received from my therapist was to view unhealthy people who refuse to change as ill. This means not having a full relationship with them and protecting yourself.

Putting your needs first for a change might be helpful when you are feeling down. What do you need right now?

Hi Peter

To be clear. I don’t think you meant anything in a bad way. You are a good person, I trust that you act with love in your heart. ❤️

I only brought it up because it is an interesting to discuss the other side of the coin, one that I never used to be aware of until recently.

Ah I didn’t realise that the scenario with the key and theft was a metaphor.

Accepting bad behaviour would be to allow people to treat you badly.

I agree, accountability and responsibility are important. I just find that it creates less conflict when they are freely given. A good person will do these things without asking. Not necessarily when we want them to happen but with patience it generally happens when they are ready.

I have done a lot of research into healthy vs unhealthy behaviours. It turns out so many more things are classed as unhealthy than people realise.

For example, telling someone that you feel that they dismissed you, is itself dismissive. The person may not have had bad intentions or it may have happened unintentionally. It is coming at the situation with criticism and blame.

I’m finding that it important to have unconditional positive regard for others to have an open heart, mind, patience and curiosity during times of conflict. These things are tricky to learn to do.

I feel like a lot of hurt is avoided by simply disengaging and allowing cooler heads to prevail. As someone who values holding space for others to allow them to express themselves, it is me not taking care of myself and taking breaks when needed that has been causing myself problems.

I guess I can be a bit blunt. Whilst it is other people’s responsibility how they interpret it. It is also my responsibility to try not to unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through things that have taken a part of your spirit and you have had to reclaim it. It is not easy to go through these things.

I think that sometimes what you want to achieve is important. In conflict there can be many different goals for communication. Is the purpose to express feelings? To stand up for oneself? Is the purpose to resolve conflict? Is the purpose to foster positive communication?

Sometimes only one thing can be achieved at a time and we have to make choices as to what we would like to prioritize. It is not possible to have everything work out in the way we would like it to because we are all unique uncontrollable individuals, so we have to make do with what is achievable.

Sometimes this means having to temporarily put feelings aside if the goal is to foster positive relationships.

Thank you for explaining! That makes sense. I would agree. All we can do is try our best! 😊

I feel like sometimes it is easier to identify with the ego (the noise and the pain), than it is the identity with the stillness and peace in the mind. Usually, for me when the pain is strongest. I’m working on changing that though. My experience is that whatever I choose to focus on I tend to identify with. Technically, both are part of the whole that makes up me.

I love the quotes by the way! Food for thought, indeed.

Hi Peter and Anita

Happy Valentines Day! ❤️

I thought I would elaborate on my thoughts about accountability and responsibility.

There are ways to not accept bad behaviour without having to rely on asking for accountability and responsibility from another person. Often these things go hand in hand with punishment and shame. It can easily be taken the wrong way or fall on deaf ears.

In addition, people are often different and expectations often don’t match. It is possible to ask for something, for someone to try and for the individual asking to still not feel satisfied because their expectations were not fulfilled to their standards. There is an element of judgement here. I feel like it is better for things to play out naturally without trying to cajole someone into behaving in a certain way. That’s why I’m starting to feel like asking for accountability and responsibility from others is unnecessary.

I don’t need anything other than to be treat with kindness personally.

Karma is unavoidable.

I find that simply maintaining my own boundaries, treating people with compassion and understanding is helpful.

The sun is perceived to rise and set, but reality is that it simply exists. Similarly, love exists as a constant presence independent of our perceptions and experiences

Yes, I agree with this.

What do the crucible and the fire represent in this metaphor?

Thanks Anita

Keep up your fine work. 😊 You are a treasure! ❤️

Hi Peter

I hope you feel better soon.

Love is an interesting one. I feel like a lot of people treat love as conditional these days. As you say, it is a cultural thing.

However, I do feel like unconditional love is really important and very healing.

Yes, I would suggest that being kind to people no matter how they treat you is important. Even if someone treats you poorly. I feel like it is a matter of principle – a desire not to compromise my values. Not to mention, very few problems are truly serious.

What do you think holding someone accountable means?

“To err is human.”

Everyone has flaws, but I think it is important to accept people as uniquely flawed individuals. It is impossible to get through life unscathed and we all bear the scars that come with that.

The trick is balancing these things whilst protecting ourselves and our loved ones whilst acknowledging that there is only so much that can be done as individuals.

Hi Andy

Well I can understand the concern about the tinder profile. Perhaps she isn’t lying to you and it is an old one? People can forget about these things.

But becoming suspicious and cyber stalking her because she has a facebook page is a bit of a leap.

I can understand why she needs some space because that is a betrayal of her trust in you.

It is difficult because both of you have experienced a lot of trauma in the past. Clearly this is bringing up a lot for you both.

I would recommend having a calm and honest conversation about all of this when things calm down.

It is really hard to trust people after everything both of you have been through. But not everyone treats people terribly. There are good people out there. You thought she was a good person? Try giving her the benefit of the doubt.