Hi Everyone

It seemed like Anita was interested in learning more about the four horsemen. Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling and Defensiveness.

Basically these are unhealthy communication patterns that hurt people and show that communication is breaking down.

It can help foster communication to try communicating without these behaviours. Not an easy thing during a conflict. All people can do is try their best. ❤️

Hi Brandy

I understand why you feel so frustrated. The conflict doesn’t sit well with me either. ❤️

Hi Tee

What I’m hearing from you Tee is that you feel very unseen, blamed and that the situation is unfair. ❤️

Do you feel like it helps you to see others good intentions when they make efforts to show that they see the difficulties that you are experiencing during conflict? ❤️

I have faith. I hope that making an effort to deescalate will be seen and that things will work out in the end. I believe that trying my best is good enough.

As I said to Anita, I’m going to set a boundary with both of you. I’m going to talk to you both individually about your feelings and I won’t talk negatively about the other person. ❤️

I see that you are deeply hurt Tee. I see that you are trying your best and that everyone has a need to protect themselves in conflict. ❤️

Hi Tee

I’m really sorry! I see your pain. ❤️

I try my best to be patient. It can take time for people to apologise. It can be hard for some people and I don’t mind waiting to revisit the discussion when Anita is up for it. She did say that she was feeling overwhelmed and I feel like engaging whilst you’re overwhelmed is not very helpful for either person. People make mistakes when they’re overwhelmed. It can be helpful to take a break from the conversation.

I have a question, what does an apology mean to you? I feel like apologies can mean different things to different people.

For me, apologies are about being respectful and showing a commitment to trying not to repeat mistakes.

I don’t believe that everything is fine. But conflicts are not always easy or solved instantly. ❤️

I noticed that Anita is trying to offer you some empathy here.

“Tee—I regret that things escalated to this point. I imagine this has been painful for you too.”

Hi Everyone

I’ve thought deeply about this subject too. Personally, I feel like it is a bit of both.

I believe that we are ultimately animals. We are influenced by a metric ton of factors. I had questions about the amount of self-control we have.

Buddhism does believe in a range of volition, what we can control within our circumstances and our conscience guides us in these matters.

I am willing to defer to someone much smarter than me who is an authority on these matters Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi. ❤️

Personally, I feel like we can only control what we are aware of and I feel like a lot of the human experience occurs beneath the surface. I feel like overwhelm is a serious issue too. People can act in ways that they don’t consciously want to when they are overwhelmed.

For example, if I don’t take my medication, I have a harder time managing my emotions and can easily feel overwhelmed by conflict. When I take my medication it takes the edge off. I am able to stay calm and I have less intrusive worries. Life is just harder at the moment for me and I need that extra bit of support at the moment. ❤️

Hi Anita

I see that you are vulnerable, as are we all. We have all had significant past traumas.

I’m sorry to hear that you have been suffering and feeling very distressed because of the conflict. ❤️

I appreciate the gesture of goodwill that you are trying to soften things with some positivity. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that you felt hurt and betrayed by the message I wrote. Thank you for explaining why you felt that way. ❤️

I have a question. Why didn’t you share that with me then?

My memory of this message was around when you initially shut down?

Right, I can see the misunderstanding. I wasn’t talking about what had just happened with Tee. I was addressing what happened previously. I’m sorry that felt invalidating. ❤️

As I said to Tee, I really value not criticising people. That was the mindset where I was coming from when I wrote the message. I wasn’t trying to criticise either of you.

I can explain my intention. I was talking from my understanding of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have learned that during conflicts there are often multiple things going on behind my emotions. I might focus on the situation in front of me, but there is a multitude of things going on behind the scenes.

For people I have conflicts with, my childhood traumas are often alive. For people who I have had previous conflicts with, my past difficulties with them are often alive.

I often have difficulty trusting people for these reasons. Which is why I pointed out that I feel these things too in the comment.

It is natural for there to be difficulties with trust in these situations. It would be surprising if there weren’t.

I often find that all of these factors cause issues with my emotions. Making things more painful than they actually are. Bringing up fears.

I don’t mean to cause offence, I only became aware of all of this layering of emotion recently.

I find it really helpful to try to unpick past traumas from the current situation and make an effort to see things from a more neutral perspective. I was just trying to help.

I thought it might hurt less to view Tee through a lens of someone who is trustworthy and caring because objectively I do believe her to be that way.

So do you disagree? You don’t feel like engaging with someone who you’ve previously had conflict with and haven’t built a rapport with is potentially triggering when another conflict occurs?

I’m sorry that you don’t see me as being neutral. I do try my best, it is difficult to balance things because I have a complicated set of values. I’m still trying to figure things out.

I actually do express my discomfort. I believe I expressed it pretty clearly during the conflict.

I can understand how it leads to feeling invalidated. When I try to stay neutral within reason, I’m also trying to be aware of different people’s needs. It is nigh impossible for two opposing parties in a conflict to both feel that their needs are being met at the same time.

I’m sorry that I made you feel this way, I certainly didn’t mean to.

Placate – making someone less angry or hostile

If I am doing this with both parties, trying to calm down a situation, how am I taking sides? And if I am doing this with both parties how does the person naming harm become the problem? When you talk about someone naming harm, are you talking about yourself here?

I know that naming harm is something that you consider important to your healing, but when it comes to communication, naming harm is criticism. Do you see the conundrum?

Sorry, I have a few more questions. I know that in general you don’t like criticism. Why do you not like it? How does it make you feel? Do you agree that negative criticism can easily be perceived as an insult?

I would encourage you to reflect on the conversation you just had with Tee and remember that whilst you may have been talking to Tee, the subject that Tee just brought up was how I was treat in the conflict.

There is no need to agree to disagree. I can speak for myself. I was hurt by the things that were said. ❤️

I’m glad to hear that I haven’t hurt you. It was still important for me to apologise though.

As I said before, I was trying to calm things down. I was worried about you. ❤️

I’m a complicated and principled person. I am torn in multiple directions. I believe in loyalty, fairness, kindness and I’m sure there was another thing but I have forgotten because it is late. 😂 Oh yes, respect.

Each of these values urges me to consider different actions and I’m generally torn between two opposing ideas. So I try to straddle it in the middle somewhere to the disappointment of everyone including myself lol.

This is all still relatively new to me and I am just trying to figure things out. I’m historically terrible with group conflicts because of my childhood trauma.

I’m honestly okay at the moment. I have had my medication and am feeling better if there is anything else you would like to share? 😊