Hi Everyone

I think the difficulty with severe abuse is that it causes structural issues – brain damage as well as deregulating the nervous system. It is not just that there is attachment. If only it were as simple as attachment.

I truly don’t believe that language is the issue. As I pointed out infants have a full grasp of language at 18 months, they even have memories that last for 9 months at that stage. Language is not the problem. Memory is not the problem. Sense of self is a cornerstone of child development and an infant doesn’t have much of one. It doesn’t develop until the tween years. One of the difficulties severe trauma causes is impairment of sense of self.

Children have total reliance on their caregivers. From a young age their parents define what is right and wrong for them. What is dangerous, what is safe. Reinforcing behaviours that the parents value. The child experiences emotional attunement towards their caregiver. There is a huge amount of control parents have over their children and that is why parental abuse is so damaging.

People with severe trauma have to deal with unpleasant experiences of trauma re-emerging. Learning to accept it, let it happen and let it pass. That is the reality of dealing with these issues. Treating ourselves with compassion when these difficulties occur is vital.

Perhaps I’m approaching this with the knowledge of an infant that developed PTSD at 4 years old. I was never a happy child. I simply did my best to cope with my environment. Children experience the same difficulties that adults can if they are exposed to the same traumatic environment. I honestly don’t see much difference between adults and children. More understanding of the world. More experience and the ability to choose what we would like to do with our lives. Meta cognition as well realise that we do have the ability to shape our own minds.

Hi Anita

Please don’t worry, you don’t need to change anything for me. I’m honestly okay. I know that you are here to support me as well and I really appreciate that! 😊

I don’t think it’s crazy at all. From my perspective, I have thought I hope that my pain is worth it, because the alternative is that it is that it is senseless…

I like lol. I have a funny story about lol. My aunt didn’t know what it meant and thought it meant lots of love. She wrote it at the end of all of her messages. A lot of them came across as rather inappropriate. 😂

I’m glad you feel heard and that the tone in my first message was helpful. I worried it might not be. It was just the ptsd trigger.

Yes, the bond a child has for their parent is special. It is one of the hardest things I ever had to do, walk away from my mother because of the abuse when I loved her. It is an unconditional kind of love, but it does not mean that unconditional suffering should go hand in hand with that.

It doesn’t hurt anymore. However, there is a longing that doesn’t go away for that sweetness I never truly experienced. As you put it so well. A hole that will never be filled unless I do for myself.

Hi Mollie

Congratulations on your degree! It does sound like you’ve been having a rough go of it for a few years now. You are in desperate need a break! It sounds like university finishing was a bit of a fresh start with a lot of hope. And you dream of a fresh start again now with hope.

An approach that I like is making things that I want happen! Planning fun experiences. Eating yummy food.

It sounds like you made a decision that is helpful for you to end the job that is making you feel so unhappy. I hope that studying goes well. Are you planning on working whilst doing this?

For sure, it can be lonely living alone when your friends aren’t living close by or as available as you would like. Studying I’m sure will let you meet some nice people.

It sounds like things are better with your family now?

I like that you are planning on standing up for yourself with the ex. You go girl! 💪❤️

I wonder is there anything that you would love to do that is different from what you would normally do? I’m not sure if you are someone who likes a little pampering? I have a girls night routine for myself. It can be unique to you. I like fancy chocolate, some wine and playing video games. Honestly, anything that makes your heart sing. What does make your heart happy? 🎶

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind words! ❤️

It is hard to talk about these things sometimes. But I do care and I am here for you. I just needed some time to decompress because our trauma is so similar, I get ptsd triggers sometimes. I wanted to be fully present when writing to you so I can show up for you in a thoughtful way.

I’m glad that eating helped you to feel a little better when things are difficult at the moment.

Please let me know if anything is ever not helpful.

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely get it. I didn’t know the background for why the book was made. That is a beautiful reason, thank you for sharing it. 😊

You have so much empathy for people. I think that is a beautiful thing.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t feel sad for your mother. I care that you are suffering, worrying about her and that you suffered at her hands and she falsely blamed you for it. ❤️

Hi Everyone

I’m doing okay. Overstimulated today. All of this reminded me of a story I read to my son. I hope it is okay to share it. ❤️

You are never alone

Our hearts were connected before you were born when our string of love came to form. You were never alone. Every day since I’ve been right by your side, to nurture to play and to patiently guide. You are never alone. As you start to explore I’ll be just over here, even at night I’m quietly near. You are never alone.

Just think of me and you’ll feel me inside and even if you can’t see me our hearts are still tied. When I think of you, you’ll see I’m right there. The invisible string connects us to all those who care. You are never alone. Our invisible string is the one thing I know that is real and unbreakable as you will grow. You are never alone. There is so much to do, to be and to see. Wherever you are, together we will be. Never will we be alone.

My perspective is slightly different on helping. I believe the little things matter. Sure, we can’t fix each other’s problems, but we can show each other that we care. I feel like that is really all that is needed. I love this caring little community that everyone has built here! ❤️

What a beautiful smile you have Anita! Do you love dancing?

Hi Anita

I’m glad that you found comfort in my message. ❤️ You are a very loving person Anita. It is my impression that you willingly gave up yourself for decades to try and make your mother happy. I’m glad that you stopped doing that. You cannot change your mother’s fate, but you do deserve to be happy.

I’m sorry to hear that empathy for your mother is so painful for you. I imagine that you must be feeling a multitude of different things.

You mentioned that there was never room for you both. I believe it is important when empathising with others not to lose sight of ourselves. Our pain is not erased by the suffering of others.

Hi Everyone

Thank you for your kindness and support Anita. You are a treasure! ❤️

Thank you for the excellent quotes, as well as sharing your insights Peter! ❤️

I noticed that a baby’s emotions are easier to deal with than language combined with emotion.

I believe that love is an emotion, as well as an experience. But compassion is a state of mind.

I have been reflecting on anger and I had an interesting experience last night.

I had angry thoughts directed at myself and others. And I thought wow, these thoughts are probably the most intense thing I currently have to experience in my life. Why am I so focused on other things? I stayed calm and thought of it like an angry teenager. A child should not be rejected when they are angry.

I do feel like all people deserve to be treat with the same compassion.

I am reminded of Chris’s insight of the importance of compartmentalisation.

I feel like compassion is easy to find when calm, relaxed and in good company.

I feel like a lot of the time, for various reasons people are uncomfortable with their present experience and try to escape it.

Rumination in itself for me has been an attempt to control my experience of difficulties and make me feel safe.

However, there is a big sacrifice. Worrying about future difficulties related to the present, often makes the present more difficult than it currently is.

For me, this stemmed from a fear of being incapable of handling the difficulties when they fully arise.

I suffer from a different problem. Whilst I’m quite knowledgeable about my own anxiety and how to handle it. I know very little about how to handle other emotions.

I tend to take thoughts and feelings at face value and not explore them further. Language is actually particularly helpful for this. This habit has bitten me in the butt because I don’t ever really address the underlying issue.