Hi Tee

I hope you have a lovely holiday! ❤️

That’s great to hear you are setting boundaries with your mother. It is a shame that she doesn’t take them too well. Sadly, expected.

My adopted mother didn’t take me setting boundaries very well either. It ultimately led to communication fizzling out. It is a shame, but I learned to invest only the level of effort the other person is willing to put into the relationship.

Hmm I think I have what some might consider a bit of an odd perspective. I don’t really think in terms of right or wrong anymore. I try to look behind at the need that is being expressed and understand the other person’s emotional experience.

My son doesn’t like being told what to do. When he is asked not to do something he complains and I reassure him. It is like he instinctively worries, does this mean I’ve done something wrong? After I reassure him, he is okay. He just wants to know that he hasn’t done anything wrong (I teach him that mistakes are okay and allowed) and he is still a good boy.

Guilt is something that for me has been self-punitive and I try not to indulge.

Obviously, needs, feelings and boundaries are still important. I do think it is important to understand and care about these things for ourselves and others.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have done anything “wrong” persay. My culture is like Canada, we apologise for anything. It is just showing care and courtesy for someone’s feelings.

For example, my sister broke up with her boyfriend. Oh, no! I’m so sorry.

You don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s experience, but I find that showing care for people when they are hurt, even when they lash out is important. I have found that it facilitates communication. Anger begets anger, but meeting anger with kindness can soften it.

I think the difficulty comes in, is if your mother is unwilling to meet your needs and boundaries. Like mine sadly was. Then you have to consider how much you want to invest in your relationship with her.

The way my therapist said it was, think of her as someone who is sick and don’t expect much.

I don’t know much about your Mother or your experiences with her. I don’t know what she is like. How willing is she to adapt and change? Does she listen to your feelings at all?

It is honestly hard work though and pretty tough to do these things. It’s taken me a long time to figure out. I’m still learning. I need to work on being more patient because I do still make mistakes.

Take care, wishing you all the best! ❤️