Hi Little Buddha

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties with your mental health and that your partner isn’t able to support you at the moment. It is not an easy thing to go through.

It sounds like both you and your partner are going through a lot right now. It certainly isn’t easy when you’re busy with work and kids. It can feel overwhelming and like there’s no time to process. This is especially difficult when it comes to mental health or feelings of stress because it is difficult to add more stress in that situation, especially when you believe he will respond negatively. You cannot get blood from a stone and trying to can make things worse.

Do you know what is causing your partner difficulties?

I would suggest keeping things low stress. You could probably get some of your needs met this way. You could probably get a hug. Or Spend a bit of chill time together.

It is possible to communicate your feelings a little bit at a time in a positive way. For example. Saying I miss you. Doing something nice for him. Then spending time together.

I’m feel sad about stuff from my past, can I get a hug?

Short and sweet is what gets the best results when everyone is struggling.

It is bonding with your partner that is the most important thing. Treating yourself and him kindly is very important when things are difficult.

It’s good to hear that you have a therapist. It might be worth trying medication, if you’re having difficulties coping even with a therapist.

In my experience, resentment is something that requires understanding your partner’s side of things. Life is hard sometimes, people have different needs and people do make mistakes.

It is okay to want and need things from your partner but at the same time it is okay for him to not be able to give it when he is struggling too.

It might be hard, but you will come through it stronger when you are able to manage your feelings without relying on your husband when things are too difficult for him to be able to be there for you. I hope that things get easier for you both soon.

Remember it is hard for him too right now. You are in the same boat together.

I find that relying on people who are in a place to be supportive is helpful as well. You are welcome to talk about anything that you would like, if that would be helpful to you?

Hi Drew

I’m sorry to hear that a medication caused you to speak your thoughts out loud. That is upsetting when it didn’t used to happen before. Does it happen often?

If you don’t mind me asking what was the name of the medication that caused the issue?

I’ve quite often experienced doctors not learning about the side effects of medications. It is entirely possible that it could be a rare side effect depending on the kind of medication.

They may also not be concerned because thinking out loud is a rather common behaviour. Certainly, it isn’t something that means anyone is crazy. I’m a thinker out loud too. I don’t really mind it though. When it came to a job that involved confidential information and working openly in the public I just practiced muttering to myself without the noise to avoid any issues. Humming a tune is also something I did instead. The internet recommends chewing gum.

It sounds like you handled the situation with the optician well, you were just a bit surprised. It is common for people to not respond in a usual way when they are surprised. I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem that they tried to help you, but they could have asked if it was okay first.

I can understand why you would want to manage your emotional responses when it comes to hitting things though. The easiest way would probably to pay attention to your mood and disengage from whatever situation is upsetting or making you angry before it gets to the point where you start to hit things.

Do you have any difficulties with sleep at all?

One of the most helpful things for impulse control is to sleep well. It might sound silly but research shows that being tired is just like being drunk, which also negatively affects impulse control.

The times when I struggle most with impulse control are when I haven’t been sleeping well.

Of course, managing stress is important too. People often act out of character when they’re stressed, as opposed to when they are feeling calm and relaxed.

I found the supplement L-theanine helpful for impulse control. It is an extract of green tea and promotes a calm focus (I was also having trouble concentrating at the time). Anti-depressants can also be helpful too. I understand if you are feeling unsure about taking medication after that experience you had though.

Beta blockers have also helped me to manage my emotions when things are really tough. It’s not a mental health drug. Just a blood pressure medicine.

When it comes to situations that you are aware of in advance, considering how you would like to act before you are in that situation could be helpful. Or if you are placed in an awkward situation and need some time to consider how to respond, excusing yourself and going to the bathroom so you can collect yourself can be helpful.

Splashing cold water on my face, massaging my neck and back of the head, yawning repeatedly are all things that science shows calm down the nervous system.

I wish you good luck with figuring these things out!

Hi Gabriel

Your love for your girlfriend, self-awareness and desire to seek solutions are commendable!

You mentioned that you are an extreme extrovert. Do you have anxiety and difficulties spending time with other people as well as your girlfriend?

Are there specific moments over text that increase anxiety for you? In person, can you identify anything specific that increases your anxiety?

Do you feel that there is pressure to move in together because you live 4 hours away?

If you don’t mind me asking, what has living with others been like for you?

It is clear that you care about your partner. Because of the combination of the extreme extroversion, the distance between you both and your care for your partner, do you find that during visits you have a tendency to push yourself to your limit or beyond it? Or do you feel like there might be another reason?

I would imagine that taking breaks and spending some time alone to decompress is essential for you. If you take better care of yourself and pay attention to when you are getting overwhelmed and take breaks when you need them before you are beyond your limit that might be helpful in curbing any unwanted behaviour.

Hi Kane

I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t feeling so good right now. You seem burnt out, with the weight of the world on your shoulders. Please be gentle with yourself. ❤️

Regarding changing family dynamics. They can change, for the better for the worse, it is up to the individual.

You can be an inspiration to them. You can teach them. But it is up to them whether they listen or if they prefer to carry on. Pay attention to how they respond.

I’ve been there. My sister got through it. My Mum gave up.

Unfortunately, these things take time. It is not an easy thing to do. People change a little at a time. You will be hurt in the process.

Some advice I received from my therapist was to view unhealthy people who refuse to change as ill. This means not having a full relationship with them and protecting yourself.

Putting your needs first for a change might be helpful when you are feeling down. What do you need right now?

Hi Peter

To be clear. I don’t think you meant anything in a bad way. You are a good person, I trust that you act with love in your heart. ❤️

I only brought it up because it is an interesting to discuss the other side of the coin, one that I never used to be aware of until recently.

Ah I didn’t realise that the scenario with the key and theft was a metaphor.

Accepting bad behaviour would be to allow people to treat you badly.

I agree, accountability and responsibility are important. I just find that it creates less conflict when they are freely given. A good person will do these things without asking. Not necessarily when we want them to happen but with patience it generally happens when they are ready.

I have done a lot of research into healthy vs unhealthy behaviours. It turns out so many more things are classed as unhealthy than people realise.

For example, telling someone that you feel that they dismissed you, is itself dismissive. The person may not have had bad intentions or it may have happened unintentionally. It is coming at the situation with criticism and blame.

I’m finding that it important to have unconditional positive regard for others to have an open heart, mind, patience and curiosity during times of conflict. These things are tricky to learn to do.

I feel like a lot of hurt is avoided by simply disengaging and allowing cooler heads to prevail. As someone who values holding space for others to allow them to express themselves, it is me not taking care of myself and taking breaks when needed that has been causing myself problems.

I guess I can be a bit blunt. Whilst it is other people’s responsibility how they interpret it. It is also my responsibility to try not to unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been through things that have taken a part of your spirit and you have had to reclaim it. It is not easy to go through these things.

I think that sometimes what you want to achieve is important. In conflict there can be many different goals for communication. Is the purpose to express feelings? To stand up for oneself? Is the purpose to resolve conflict? Is the purpose to foster positive communication?

Sometimes only one thing can be achieved at a time and we have to make choices as to what we would like to prioritize. It is not possible to have everything work out in the way we would like it to because we are all unique uncontrollable individuals, so we have to make do with what is achievable.

Sometimes this means having to temporarily put feelings aside if the goal is to foster positive relationships.

Thank you for explaining! That makes sense. I would agree. All we can do is try our best! 😊

I feel like sometimes it is easier to identify with the ego (the noise and the pain), than it is the identity with the stillness and peace in the mind. Usually, for me when the pain is strongest. I’m working on changing that though. My experience is that whatever I choose to focus on I tend to identify with. Technically, both are part of the whole that makes up me.

I love the quotes by the way! Food for thought, indeed.

Hi Peter and Anita

Happy Valentines Day! ❤️

I thought I would elaborate on my thoughts about accountability and responsibility.

There are ways to not accept bad behaviour without having to rely on asking for accountability and responsibility from another person. Often these things go hand in hand with punishment and shame. It can easily be taken the wrong way or fall on deaf ears.

In addition, people are often different and expectations often don’t match. It is possible to ask for something, for someone to try and for the individual asking to still not feel satisfied because their expectations were not fulfilled to their standards. There is an element of judgement here. I feel like it is better for things to play out naturally without trying to cajole someone into behaving in a certain way. That’s why I’m starting to feel like asking for accountability and responsibility from others is unnecessary.

I don’t need anything other than to be treat with kindness personally.

Karma is unavoidable.

I find that simply maintaining my own boundaries, treating people with compassion and understanding is helpful.

The sun is perceived to rise and set, but reality is that it simply exists. Similarly, love exists as a constant presence independent of our perceptions and experiences

Yes, I agree with this.

What do the crucible and the fire represent in this metaphor?

Thanks Anita

Keep up your fine work. 😊 You are a treasure! ❤️