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AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I really appreciate you sharing your insights and experiences. 😊
Thank you for clarifying. I do still think you did a good job figuring this out in your 20s. ❤️ I was probably much the same when I figured out the perspective issue (my mid to late 20s).
I wonder how many of it is due to a developing understanding of other people and the world at that age?
It is admittedly difficult and takes time to heal from these experiences with parents. I’m so happy you got there. You’re an inspiration!
Very true! I did as well. At first I hated God and was an atheist. Then I was agnostic and now I do believe in a higher power. I do pray too, I find it comforting. It is just the organisation side of things that I have difficulty with. At the same time, the actual experience of going to church is nice. I just don’t know how comfortable I am about involving my son in these things because my views of God are a bit more forgiving of people that some traditional beliefs. I cannot say that I believe something that I don’t.
I agree, it is very important!
I do have fears, like anyone else but I don’t let them stop me from expressing myself. I think, what I’m afraid of is hurting other people. It is hard to unpick the difficulties I experienced as a child from other peoples feelings and experiences sometimes. If that makes sense? I would never want to make someone feel the way that I did growing up. An unrealistic fear perhaps because I’m not that kind of a person. But I’m also quite sensitive to conflict myself because of the trauma I’ve been through, so I try my best to be mindful that people might have disproportionate reactions because of their own experiences.
I understand, I definitely had those difficulties in the past myself. Thank goodness we both managed to get past those fears. 🕯️
I don’t know what the solution will be, perhaps at some point I’ll learn the line where I actually have a level of control over the way I affect others? Who knows!
A pleasure as always, Tee. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Peter
I do honestly love esoteric metaphorical texts. I’m a fan of ancient eastern philosophy. I just find that I don’t understand very much. I like to reread it over the years and sometimes I will understand parts of it years later that I didn’t understand initially. I’ve always wanted to write in this style. Kudos for managing it successfully!
This is true. Thank you for clarifying your intention with the story for me. That is very kind of you to say. I think I have to be that way raising a child. 😊
You often remind me of those philosophy books I love so much. I might not always understand, but I do enjoy the experience and I’m always learning. ❤️
Yes, I do find that my relationship has changed with it over the years. I feel like compassion and self-compassion are inextricably linked. I find it takes a lot of self-compassion to be kind to others.
The self is a good interpretation. In Chinese yin translates to the shady side of a mountain and yang is the sunny side of the mountain.
Could you explain further the Sufi teaching concept at all? Apologies, I don’t really understand it. Perhaps if you could provide an example? ❤️
On a side note, I had an interesting experience foraging for stinging nettles. I wore gloves to protect my hands and my mind imagined stinging as I was handling them. Apparently it is a common experience. The mind expects things and creates the experience when it doesn’t occur. It makes me wonder about the role of the mind with pain and emotions. All of my experiences of being stung by nettles as a child have clearly done a number on me. 😂
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I’m sure you don’t mean anything bad by it, but can you please refrain from making anssumptions about people you don’t want to talk to. Thanks very much. 🙏 ❤️
AlessaParticipantI don’t think these things are about one person or another. For me, it is about morality and ethics. Trying to do the right thing is really important. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI find that I often benefit from this too because coming at things from a gentler place, the world seems less scary. A harsh word, raised voice or rejection might hurt initially. But understanding that these things come from a place of suffering or a desire to get needs met softens the blow. ❤️
AlessaParticipantI find that a lot of people even those who try their best and are genuinely good people are completely unaware of unhealthy behaviours. It isn’t really possible to know something that hasn’t been taught after all. It takes a lot to seek to move past what we know and be open to learning a new style of communication. These things are genuinely hard because they are not taught unless you are in a helping profession or are simply interested in learning about communication techniques for whatever reason. It is a bit of a minefield learning to communicate in healthy ways. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
It is a nice story Peter! Thank you for sharing. I only wish I didn’t get so confused with metaphors. ❤️
Personally, I find compassion and self-compassion are equally important. With effort it is possible to learn to manage them both in a way that is healthy for everyone. Managing both simultaneously is difficult to learn to do though. It takes a lot of time and practice. A lot of listening and reflecting, empathising with another person’s experience.
Like Yin and Yang, they can form a whole method of communication. I’m still learning. I just realized today that it isn’t just about communication per say, but feelings and beliefs can scare us. Not just our own, but other peoples. I’m not sure how to navigate this yet. My immediate guess is a combination of challenging my own perspectives, self-regulation and being more open with positive feedback to reassure people. I’ll see how it goes. ❤️
I guess it is true what they say, mind your thoughts because other people pick up on them somewhat. 😂
AlessaParticipantHi Tee
I’m so glad that you came to that realisation with your Mother and found peace. You deserve it! ❤️
It’s good to hear that you see that when you were a child you didn’t do anything wrong and that your Mother being unhappy wasn’t your fault.
That’s interesting that you had such a level of insight at such a young age. I’m trying to work on shifting my perspective myself. I can fixate on the negative sometimes. It is a shame that your Mother was never open to working on it.
To be fair, those are some nice ideas. I’m glad you benefitted from them and managed to heal from the religious trauma and self worth issues. Since having a child, I’ve developed a parental mindset. I’ve found that it helps me sometimes to imagine that I am my own parent.
Oh yes, I totally agree. I think it’s difficult when they are young because they don’t have much of a concept of identity at the moment. I know that he really likes cars. I’m more of a dinosaur person. He didn’t show an interest. Most other things he seems to copy. He’s not a fan of new things though. He really doesn’t want to sit on his potty. I’m bribing him with stories. He isn’t afraid to tell you when he doesn’t like something. 😂
I think mistakes are an important part of learning and I think people would be less stressed in general if they didn’t see them as such a bad thing.
I’m sorry to hear that your Mother criticised you so much. I can relate to that experience. It seems like it was more your Mother’s character than anything that you were doing. It really is damaging dealing with that constant negativity, especially when it is focused on you as a person.
Yes, I definitely agree about the boundaries. In a parenting class I went to they said to raise your voice if there was actual danger. But otherwise just say no, avoid, distract or ignore undesirable behaviours. I thought it was a really good class!
That’s a really nice idea. I will try my best to focus on showing myself loving kindness. Did you find that strategy helped you?
Yes, I’ve read a lot of parenting advice like that. I do think it is important to apologize after making mistakes and focus on repair after conflict. I think because of my trauma, I’m just extremely uncomfortable with conflict in general.
That’s all very kind of you to say Tee! You’re a sweetheart. It’s been lovely chatting ❤️
AlessaParticipantIt means having the courage to sit with another person’s feelings and hold space for them even when they are uncomfortable. ❤️
AlessaParticipantExtending grace towards others means having courage to open our hearts and consider others perspectives. Needs of people are often different. This means that people are often hurt if things aren’t handled very carefully.
AlessaParticipantHi John
I think trying your best is all that matters. Don’t you? It’s all anyone can do. ❤️
Clearly you care, it is okay to worry about things that you care about. 😊
Hmm I would suggest that sometimes frustration isn’t about you necessarily, but the task and potentially mood issues as well. I know that I ask for help with tasks that I’m having difficulty with. I don’t really like asking for help. Sometimes I feel frustrated when things don’t work out even after asking for help. It does suck when these things happen when you are already tired. It is harder to deal with for that reason. I don’t know if you feel this might be relevant at all?
Sometimes people take things personally and feel hurt if they feel like they work harder at things than others. It can make them feel like people don’t care. Do you think your partner has a similar perspective?
That being said, it is normal for people to have different energy levels, different standards of how things should be done. There is no right way to do things. It is okay for mistakes to happen, for things to be forgotten. It happens to everyone.
I feel like life is really busy. There is always more work to be done. It is important to take a break and take care of yourselves. It sounds like your partner is a bit burnt out and needs some extra TLC. With your anxiety, you probably need that too! ❤️
Have you talked to her about how you feel when she uses a tone or makes a comment? Not at the time of course, but later on when she’s calmed down. Have you talked to her about her feelings about when mistakes are made or when things are forgotten?
As for not having disagreements. Relationships thrive on positive interactions. It is okay to give her some time to cool off. Try not to think of it as her being mad at you, she is calming down and trying to feel better, as well as reducing the chance of a disagreement.
What do you think? ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Everyone
I think grace works in two ways. Grace for yourself and grace for others. I think both are mutually important. All people are equal, deserve equal respect and it is beneficial to co-operate and show love. ❤️
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
I don’t understand. But it’s your decision. Clearly you don’t want to talk.
AlessaParticipantHi Anita
Sure, I’ll stop responding to your posts. I’m very sorry you feel that way.
AlessaParticipantHi John
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling anxious and inadequate around your wife. What kind of things does she get upset about? When there is a tone or a curt remark what about it bothers you most? The idea of her being upset with you? Being afraid of a disagreement? Do
you feel disrespected? Are you sometimes not sure what the problem is? Or is it something else? I ask because understanding what exactly about these things that hurts can be helpful. ❤️ -
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