I will say, I’m British and in my 30s. I find there is some truth to people being open to friendships with opposite sexes. That being said, I didn’t discuss sex with anyone I wasn’t dating or at least interested in dating. I know that some people do though. I just find it distasteful and like it blurs boundaries.

Hi Everyone

It seems to me Peter that you always have a lot of interesting things to say. It is a shame that your family don’t get it. ❤️

You has so many interested things to say as well Anita! ❤️

What a fascinating conversation, great points on all sides. I’ve been thinking about it, considering my perspective. It reminded me of this.

In Buddhism, there are elements of consciousness. Sense conciousness (senses), mind consciousness (thoughts), store consciousness (memories) and mana. Mana is particularly interesting, connected with the store consciousness where a sense of self resides.

We aren’t born with a sense of self, as initially we view ourselves as intertwined with our caregivers, but we quickly develop one.

Raising a toddler is fascinating to me. My son was playing and caused a bit of mess, he tried to clean up part one of it but left the rest. It was cute and funny to me that he tried in this half hearted way. But he was ashamed of it and immediately tried to clean the rest up when I came across it.

It strikes me as difficult being a child where every action is commented on. It is the nature of being a child learning rules that they are not initially privy to. Social rules that people need to succeed in this world.

But yes, the sense of self comes with object impermanence. We understand when we are alone. We understand when we have upset someone. We learn to use our bodies. We learn about the world around us.

Interesting that a sense of self, is defined so much by other people. And the function itself is to facilitate learning, empathy and social connection. It seems like being alone is a story that we tell ourselves so we can better understand the differences in others. As if we tell ourselves that we are one, we don’t truly understand their experience.

Other people are the same as me is an early phase of development and of course, not a true one. Connecting with others is about honouring needs and holding space for each other. Allowing them to be without imposing.

It is challenging when the entire purpose of us as humans – connection – is met with rejection as children. It is a sense of failure that permeates our sense of identity.

Hi Anita

Thank you for understanding! ❤️

That is truly horrible for people to witness her physically abusing you and do nothing to intervene. You deserved someone to stand up for you and protect you from her abuse. Perhaps it felt incredibly isolating and added a further sense of despair feeling like nobody cared about what you were going through?

I’m glad that helped. It is the truth! 💯

I wish that I could have been there for you as you were suffering and tell her off and giving her a piece of my mind. I am being polite, I would say a lot worse.

The things that your mother did were severe crimes, quite literally. People have their children taken away these days for such things and end up in prison. Truly it is what she deserved.

How could she have the gall to hurt an innocent child and lie to you blaming you for it?!? She is a coward, bullying a child that cannot protect herself or escape. She has no accountability for her own actions, only concern about her own feelings. As a parent she should know better. Your child should be more important than yourself! Selfish! Selfish! Coward! Bully! Don’t harm a hair on Anita’s head. Don’t say a mean word to her. Don’t ever lie to her and pretend that she is at fault. You are so very wrong for hurting her and should be ashamed. She deserves to be safe, loved and protected. She deserves much better than you!

Please let me know if any of this makes you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t wish to make you feel that way. ❤️

Hi Ty

Of course, your thoughts about possible trauma make sense especially given her industry. Some people don’t acknowledge the difficulties they experience by labelling them in such a way.

It’s understandable to need to step back from that. Especially after showing up and being supportive when asked and spending a tremendous amount of money to do so. I can see that the difference between how she had acted in the past and during this specific time was very jarring and confusing. The blaming, gaslighting, refusal to take accountability and the abrupt end of the relationship I imagine would contribute to this?

It is a slap in the face as you will to be treat so poorly in response to such kindness.

It is a shame that you haven’t been able to get closure from her about this experience.

You seem like a very patient and understanding person. If she had just apologised and explained her very strange reaction I’m sure that you would have been able to overcome the difficulties.

I think that you can safely say that this wasn’t your fault. ❤️

It sounds like she was trying to push you away (for whatever reason) and she succeeded.

As for these types of procedures and potential trauma. Unfortunately, a lot of similar procedures tend to be very painful because it is a physically sensitive area and doctors aren’t always good about providing pain relief. It sounds like the procedure would not be quick either. This definitely can make triggers worse.

Doctors unless you specifically tell them that you have been assaulted and ask for measures of consent to be put in place are pretty rude and just go ahead and do the procedure without warning you they are starting or asking you if it is okay for them to start.

I had an IUD removed and another put in without painkillers and it took about 20 minutes and was excruciating. I couldn’t even talk at the end of it.

Of course, even if there was trauma. It doesn’t excuse her very strange response. Even if you were willing to forgive had she apologized. I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. ❤️

Hi Anita

It is mind boggling to me that anyone would want their children to be anything other than happy. How cruel and selfish can a person be? Denying their child happiness, trying so hard to crush it. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. Disgusting! How heartbreaking that you had to live through that hell of being denied happiness for so long.

I’m glad that you are reclaiming your happiness which used to be denied. You deserve every second of it. Making up for lost time. Let your light shine! 🔆 ❤️

For the record, I don’t think that innocent sweet child is one part of you. You grew up to be a sweet and kind woman. ❤️

Hi Confused

You have a lot of self awareness, I can see you trying your best. ❤️

I’m glad therapy is helping and he is planning on going to AA.

The level of stress he is experiencing does cause difficulties in relationships. Especially when he withdraws and ends up neglecting you. It is understandable why you felt unloved.

You were trying your best to support him and things became a bit unbalanced in the relationship.

The reality is that partners do complain when these things happen and it sounds like he didn’t handle it very well, which only reinforced your feelings. His difficulties sound like they were because of his stress and weaknesses in communication skills. Care needs to be taken not to complain about difficulties in the relationship too much though.

It is a shame that these difficulties happened so early in the relationship. There is not a sense of stability yet.

Just spitballing some ideas to see if you think any strategies might be helpful?

Did you travel to meet him as much as he travelled to meet you? Or um would you be willing to travel to him a bit more? It seems like he is doing a lot of travelling in every aspect of his life. If you don’t have to travel as much in the rest of your life and it doesn’t stress you too much, it sounds like it might help him if you took on the burden of travelling to him for a while? What do you think? It could also eliminate the problem of him not showing up.

Do you have any interest in his hobby? Would you like to join him with that? He might be a bit more relaxed in that situation instead of just venting. Or does he prefer to be alone?

A strategy I use when people get a bit stuck on overly venting their feelings is to simply give them a bit of time that I feel comfortable with to let it out a bit, then I just change the subject. And if they keep trying to go back to venting, I just keep changing the subject. There is no need to stress yourself out with it. Just do what is comfortable.

I find that people find conversations where they feel blamed stressful. Setting boundaries in a polite way can be helpful. I would like… and then describe what you would like.

If you are with him on a date or something in person. Asking for a hug when you feel upset can provide some reassurance and comfort.

When you worry about his stress and feel unloved, you could try asking if he’s mad or upset at you. Usually, people will clarify what is actually causing them to be upset.

Oh and making sure you both eat before any stressful conversations can help calm things down.

I wouldn’t talk to him about stressful things whilst he is drinking either, it lowers inhibitions.

Keen to hear your thoughts! ❤️

Hi Anita

You are right, these things are complicated and nuanced.

Well, there was a study about murderers and it turns out that most of them either have neurodevelopmental disorders or brain injury, as well as severe childhood trauma. A deadly combination.

Not to mention, alcohol and/ or drug use are often related to homicide and other violent crimes. Only 16% of homicides occurring over the past 10 years in my country didn’t involve being under the influence. Drugs and alcohol reduce inhibitions to dangerous levels.

This is also relevant to parents, or someone who has insomnia or chronic sleep deprivation is shown to have similar effects to alcohol.

I don’t really buy the protecting themselves theory personally. Maybe some people, but not all. People deal with rejection constantly throughout life. Why does someone choose to act at certain times and not others? I know that violence makes people feel powerful, in control and it is fun. That was my perspective when I was 12. Some people don’t grow up or have an interest in developing empathy for others. When a parent doesn’t teach you it, you are left to your own devices.

I can understand the PTSD difficulties that your mother would have had. But I would guess that the nature of being a single parent with two children, created a lot of resentment towards her children specifically. For someone who is so unstable to resent their children ends very badly, especially when hitting children is seen as culturally acceptable. The prevailing belief for a long time is that children should be seen and not heard too. The combination of the these things, plus your mother probably had ADHD or something similar too since these things run in families.

Resenting children is something that is very common for parents. Being a parent is non-stop hard work. Not the child’s fault. Just the nature of being a child is inherently frustrating for parents at times. A lot of people take their children acting out personally. But children don’t have the level of brain development to be fully in control of their behaviour yet. It isn’t their fault and very often, a child is actually distressed when they act out. People wouldn’t necessarily have known this in the past.

It’s all a mess. But not one that you are responsible for cleaning up Anita. She should have been responsible for you and your sister. She should have protected you both instead of hurting you.

I’m glad to hear that approaching the difficulties with your mother from a balanced perspective is helping. You deserve peace! ❤️