Hi Ada

No worries! You are already getting a lot of good advice from Anita and Tee. Just trying to add a different perspective. Not that you necessarily need it, you’re a very self-aware, respectful and thoughtful person. Sometimes it is just helpful to talk things through. 😊

I feel like these kinds of discussions with partners are complicated because of the different needs each of you have.

It sounds like to me, he has a strong need for autonomy. Possibly related to his trauma? Not that you are necessarily intending to be critical by sharing your very valid and different perspectives to his. His trauma might make him a bit sensitive. Men are generally not as skilled at communicating difficulties and a bit intimidated when these discussions are a bit emotional, especially when they perceive that they are being blamed or feel like they might be at fault in some way even if they don’t see it as a big deal.

You are being respectful and understanding of his needs. It feels like you want him to reach the right conclusion on his own instead of you telling him what he needs to do to help you? Would you agree or disagree with that? I have a tendency towards this myself because things don’t feel as genuine if people don’t come to the conclusion themselves sometimes. Bless his soul, I mean no disrespect, he seems a little clueless though. He might genuinely need your help explaining what you would like to happen.

I’m going to give him the benefit of doubt. Since he is new to relationships, he does have trauma, he has tried to compromise a bit by lessening the contact, he hasn’t discussed your relationship, things are generally good in other areas and he is generally understanding of your emotions. I do think he does value you and your traits as a person.

Despite saying that he likes her traits (as a friend) he rejected her for dating, for obvious reasons. He values and seems to share some of your traits being a generally moral person and less emotional himself. There is a reason he is dating you and not her. Despite his insensitive comment, a bit of foot in mouth syndrome he’s got there. He likes you!

I would suggest that the double standards regarding the promiscuity come from two different places. A lot of men don’t want to settle down when they are young and actively use women. Whereas women often themselves in the situation of being used, trying to find a partner because it is pretty grim out there. Men are shockingly bad with refusing condoms. Her difficulties with trauma and general irresponsibility will make it difficult to sustain a relationship on top of the regular issues that women face. He might just be a bit more sympathetic to the plight of women.

As for the merits of emotional freedom versus being more reserved. There are benefits and drawbacks to both. People who have experienced abuse are more likely to see the positive side of sharing emotions freely. They lived in conditions where self-control, boundaries and empathy were not actively taught. Of course, not being taught them means that they have to learn these things themselves and there are often weaknesses in these areas.

Being more reserved, as long as it isn’t overly reserved. I don’t sense that you have that problem being overly reserved. You seem to have a healthy level. It’s actually really beneficial for raising children and sustaining relationships in that environment. The stability and calm is really important.

Do you find that when problems are discussed in the relationship that you are usually the person who brings topics up?

You clearly care a lot, are patient and understanding, you want to handle things in the right way, you respect his needs and boundaries, and want to work through these difficulties.

I can see you are a bit forward thinking, wanting to build a future with him. I hope that he sees past his own difficulties and compromises. You deserve a partner who respects and cares about your needs and feelings.

I would suggest being reassuring whilst you discuss these difficulties with him. It might help with his insecurities and sensitivity. He wants to be seen as a good and supportive person, not just for his friend but for you as well. Perhaps he might feel a bit more open to your perspective if you approach things in this way?

I wish you luck in figuring all of this out! ❤️

Oh I forgot to add. This conversation reminded me of @Tommy. He showed an interest in this topic. No need to reply necessarily since he wanted to bow out. If there’s an interest, it might be worth a read.

Hi Everyone

That sounds like an interesting book Anita! I’ll give it a read. Thanks so much for your kindness, as well as the reading recommendation. ❤️

I learned recently that children don’t understand language in a way that adults do. My son for example sometimes says “No, no, no!” When he wants something, because he’s learned and paired the word no with something that he wants.

They don’t necessarily understand why they are asked to not do things. There is a very large understanding gap. That means there is a huge level of trust in their caregiver.

I didn’t understand that I was being abused for a long time. I knew I was unhappy, but I just saw it as normal. It wasn’t until I started wondering why other children were happy, that I started to notice that something was different. That things at home were not the way things are meant to be.

Identity and core beliefs are formed in childhood when we don’t fully understand the world around us. I believed my Mother and tried my hardest to be a good girl. I reviewed my mistakes each evening and tried to do better. I believed that if I did things perfectly, I wouldn’t be hurt. (Simply not true) But there was were always new things I was doing wrong. That intense trust in the caregiver and the lack of understanding.

Other adults always complimented me as a child on how remarkably well behaved I was. That was the truth.

It seems to me that the nature of people that we are all different and have different needs means that it is nigh impossible to meet everyone’s needs without carefully listening and making an effort to understand them first. We will always make mistakes especially when we are in a hurry and people have different values to us. Especially when they are feeling irritable already.

Hi Anita

Oh it’s okay, your message didn’t cause the PTSD episode. I just know what makes things worse for me when I’m having one.

I feel bad about my messages making you feel emotional. Please feel free to take care of your personal headspace in any way you feel the need to. I don’t want to cause any undue stress. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that your PTSD episodes are so frequent. It sounds like your nervous system is completely overwhelmed.

There was something in between that I forgot to mention. I did a lot of practice reassuring myself during PTSD episodes.

That I am in the present. That I’m safe and whilst what happened was terrible and should never have happened. I should have been taken care of properly like all children deserve. I am an adult now and able to protect myself. I am safe.

When I feel totally overwhelmed and stressed I like to use my sleep hygiene comforting things. Scented candle, teddy bears, relaxing music. It might sound silly, but it makes me feel safer. I hope that you have a routine that you can do to relax?

Yoga was really good because it taught me to truly relax for the first time. It is still an eternal struggle though to relax.

There is always a choice. A window of choice. Volition in Buddhism.

Sadly your efforts would be wasted on her. Mothering yourself, that is something that could really be helpful. You deserve all of that love and more. ❤️

Sometimes I think to myself. If I were my own child what would I say to myself? When I’m struggling.

Hi Ada

Thanks for sharing! I just wanted to understand a bit more about where you were coming from. ❤️

It is his first relationship, so there is an element of naivety and inexperience at play for him.

I would be suspicious of her side of things too.

The truth is that whilst he compromised a bit with the not contacting her as much. He does still need to work on compromising further with the sexual details at least. Relationships are about compromise and respecting each others boundaries. It is not just about what he thinks is acceptable. Ignoring your feelings and boundaries about this is disrespectful to you and the nature of your relationship.

Hmm I can understand the concern, but I don’t think it is necessarily true that he would have used her as a crutch to avoid relationships. Otherwise he never would have dated you. There are lots of reasons he might be shy about dating. He doesn’t have the same level of social and emotional intelligence that you do. He doesn’t really understand how relationships work with compromise for example.

I know that there are quite a lot of cultural differences despite sharing the same language. In the UK, it is difficult for men to share things with each other. Men tend to have female friends to talk about more emotional things with. It’s pretty common actually.

Since you were uncomfortable with the level of contact they used to have, it was emotional cheating. It would be the same in any country.

There is a level of compromise and respecting each other’s boundaries expected in a relationship. It is natural for a partner to want to feel prioritised and not feel like they are sharing their partner in a monogamous relationship.

It is difficult when you have dealt with your boundaries being ignored and a lack of respect in this relationship. It is a definite struggle.

He seems to genuinely not understand why he should be doing some of these things. I would chalk it up to being new to relationships and being a bit socially inept.

That is a pretty harsh label for him to suggest that your relationship with him is codependent. Why would he suggest that?

I imagine he is afraid of losing his friend. Would you be okay with him keeping his friend if he respected your boundary of no sexual details?

Do you feel like you could get past the difficulties once they are fully in the past?

Outside of this issue, how is your relationship with him?

I will say, I’m British and in my 30s. I find there is some truth to people being open to friendships with opposite sexes. That being said, I didn’t discuss sex with anyone I wasn’t dating or at least interested in dating. I know that some people do though. I just find it distasteful and like it blurs boundaries.

Hi Everyone

It seems to me Peter that you always have a lot of interesting things to say. It is a shame that your family don’t get it. ❤️

You has so many interested things to say as well Anita! ❤️

What a fascinating conversation, great points on all sides. I’ve been thinking about it, considering my perspective. It reminded me of this.

In Buddhism, there are elements of consciousness. Sense conciousness (senses), mind consciousness (thoughts), store consciousness (memories) and mana. Mana is particularly interesting, connected with the store consciousness where a sense of self resides.

We aren’t born with a sense of self, as initially we view ourselves as intertwined with our caregivers, but we quickly develop one.

Raising a toddler is fascinating to me. My son was playing and caused a bit of mess, he tried to clean up part one of it but left the rest. It was cute and funny to me that he tried in this half hearted way. But he was ashamed of it and immediately tried to clean the rest up when I came across it.

It strikes me as difficult being a child where every action is commented on. It is the nature of being a child learning rules that they are not initially privy to. Social rules that people need to succeed in this world.

But yes, the sense of self comes with object impermanence. We understand when we are alone. We understand when we have upset someone. We learn to use our bodies. We learn about the world around us.

Interesting that a sense of self, is defined so much by other people. And the function itself is to facilitate learning, empathy and social connection. It seems like being alone is a story that we tell ourselves so we can better understand the differences in others. As if we tell ourselves that we are one, we don’t truly understand their experience.

Other people are the same as me is an early phase of development and of course, not a true one. Connecting with others is about honouring needs and holding space for each other. Allowing them to be without imposing.

It is challenging when the entire purpose of us as humans – connection – is met with rejection as children. It is a sense of failure that permeates our sense of identity.